I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I left this blog and went away. I felt like I had whined and complained here enough and it was time to create something new. What's funny is that I have never liked the new blog either. In fact, I felt like I was having a hard time feeling connected, like I couldn't really be transparent. It's hard to write a personal blog very often if you can't be at least moderately transparent. I was mistakenly under the impression that perhaps I hadn't always been transparent while I was writing this blog either, but now if I go back I think; Whoa! There is some personal stuff here.
I decided what it came down to is that I talk too much. The world revolves around me, don'tcha know? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I became incredibly tired of the sound of my own voice. So, I stopped writing in the new blog too. I really felt that the world did NOT need any more blog posts from me. I mean, why would I want to share with other people, posts that irritate ME?! Besides, honestly, it just isn't as fun as it used to be. Nevertheless, something finds me here.
Maybe I have come full circle.
I wanted to leave this blog behind like I was some new person or something. You know, I had a more positive outlook, etc. I don't know. The reality is that I am just the same person in a different stage of life. I can't really explain my logic because to be honest, I don't understand it all either. What I do know is that I have had a lot of downtime this last year or so to figure some things out.
I know this seems like a departure, but recently a lot of stuff about music has been coming up for me. I was pondering trying to get my hands on an acoustic guitar - I started teaching myself a few years ago - just so I could play it at home. A little while after that I was asked to join the worship team at my church. This was seemingly out of the blue. I didn't, for various reasons. I mean, it could still happen, but not at this moment. My friend who leads the worship team is looking for people who can learn. She's trying to train up a group of people who can fill different positions. I have a musical history which is why she thought of me.
I used to love to sing. For awhile - my teenage years and a little while after - it was all I ever planned on doing with my life. That changed. It was something in my life I basically laid down. Now, it keeps coming up. I don't know why, and to be honest even though it's nice it also makes me a little nervous. It's not something I ever really expected to be a large part of my life again and I feel unprepared for it's resurgence.
I'm writing this because it's something...old. In fact, that I know of, there are no entries in this blog (which goes back to 2005) that detail that part of my life.
Singing was something I was incredibly passionate about, and honestly it's hard for me to pick out anything I have been consistently passionate about over the last several years. Well...maybe reading. ;) It has been a huge source of frustration for me to feel passionless. So why am I writing about it here?
I can't explain it.
Last week I had a crazy dream and a friend of mine was in the dream. It was someone I don't talk to very often anymore. It doesn't seem very exciting, but we were just having the most incredible conversation. Our dialog was interrupted, but later it continued. I just remember feeling so good about that conversation, like it was incredibly rich, you know? For some reason that just sticks in my mind.
Tonight while I was just sitting here, pondering everything, I thought of this blog. So I scrolled through it a bit, and I decided I wasn't the horrible, hypocritical, whiny person I thought I was a year ago. I'm just a person who has been going along figuring out life, like everybody else. Then it somehow seemed appropriate to write this down. My old friends, my old interests, they connect somehow. It seemed so cold to write them in a shiny new blog, where I feel like I have only been wishy washy. Love me or hate me, I have at times just been raw in this blog. I have also been obnoxious and shallow, but that is everyone at one point or another. I'm trying to be a better person all the time - it is a process! I wish this blog could accurately capture the best parts of my personality to bless everyone who reads it, but that just isn't reality.
Anyway, here I am again. I don't see myself as a once a week blogger. I think that time is just over. Still, for whatever reason, I sometimes get the urge to toss my thoughts out into cyberspace. Maybe I should do that from this comfy, old spot.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
End of the Road
It has now been more than a year since I updated this blog. I have been thinking for awhile about starting a new one. I remember when diary-x crashed and how much that sucked. All those entries I wrote and never backed up, gone forever. I wish I could go back and see what I wrote; where I was, who I was. Too bad. In any case, that was a different chapter in my life which is over. I have been thinking that way about this blog for a long time. Maybe it makes more sense just to keep it and let the transition happen gradually, but I don't know.
In any case, these entries are still here and this time I will be able to look back and see where I have been, and link my friends and loved ones to do the same.
So...this is the last entry while I ponder what moving on looks like.
~Amanda
In any case, these entries are still here and this time I will be able to look back and see where I have been, and link my friends and loved ones to do the same.
So...this is the last entry while I ponder what moving on looks like.
~Amanda
Monday, May 18, 2009
Marching Band
So...I went to a parade with my family last night. All of the high school marching bands were there exhibiting their talents. I am sorry to say that their talents weren't that extraordinary this year. It's pretty sad when the super wealthy high school gets their ass kicked by the tiny town of 500, who have 20 people in their entire marching band and all 20 of them are also the basketball team, 4H, the ASB leadership, and have to help their parents plant crops. Those things don't leave a lot of time for marching band practice, and/or learning ones notes.
Even so, there is something about marching band that fills me up with happy thoughts. Undoubtedly this is because of my own high school memories of colorguard, football games, and band trips.
I love the way the drums echo off of the buildings downtown.
Somewhere inside of me I feel 17 again...if only for a few moments. I know that a great number of other people hated high school and everything about it, but for me that time was so much less complicated. Sure, it had its issues, but in the great scheme of things it was not so bad.
If everything balances out, then during the past few years I have definitely paid the price for having enjoyed high school so much. :p haha.
Even so, there is something about marching band that fills me up with happy thoughts. Undoubtedly this is because of my own high school memories of colorguard, football games, and band trips.
I love the way the drums echo off of the buildings downtown.
Somewhere inside of me I feel 17 again...if only for a few moments. I know that a great number of other people hated high school and everything about it, but for me that time was so much less complicated. Sure, it had its issues, but in the great scheme of things it was not so bad.
If everything balances out, then during the past few years I have definitely paid the price for having enjoyed high school so much. :p haha.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Stuck.
Apparently I have given up blogging these days.
Maybe I just don't feel like sharing anymore? I don't know. This week, for sure, I have gone to another level of dislike for humanity. People make me crazy.
I took a vacation to the east coast (perhaps I will post some pictures later) and while I was gone my chiropractors office took 100$ out of my account that I knew nothing about. Sadly, because I was on this sort of a payment plan when I first started going there, I cannot file a claim against them. I have been paying by check in the office for many months now. They are apparently not willing to do anything to help me, despite the fact that they are now losing me as a patient. Why should they care?! I mean, they are already squeezing tons of money out of me anyway! Just the sheer lack of courtesy makes me growl. There are like...three people in this office, including the chiropractor. They know me. It's not like I am just some faceless name in a computer.
Since I was also spending the money I *thought* was in my account, I was wracking up overdraft charges as well. In fact, at this moment I am terribly overdrawn. 35$ a pop adds up fast. Seriously...2$ at Starbucks = 35$!! Ugh.
So, now I am in the hole and have no chiropractor. I hope my back holds up because I do not want to find a new one. I have small faith in humanity. I don't feel like being another name in a ledger anytime soon.
*sigh* I am really upset about this, but there seems to be nothing I can do. Right now I am just hoping that I will be able to pay the bills that need to be paid and still eat over the next couple of weeks.
Maybe I just don't feel like sharing anymore? I don't know. This week, for sure, I have gone to another level of dislike for humanity. People make me crazy.
I took a vacation to the east coast (perhaps I will post some pictures later) and while I was gone my chiropractors office took 100$ out of my account that I knew nothing about. Sadly, because I was on this sort of a payment plan when I first started going there, I cannot file a claim against them. I have been paying by check in the office for many months now. They are apparently not willing to do anything to help me, despite the fact that they are now losing me as a patient. Why should they care?! I mean, they are already squeezing tons of money out of me anyway! Just the sheer lack of courtesy makes me growl. There are like...three people in this office, including the chiropractor. They know me. It's not like I am just some faceless name in a computer.
Since I was also spending the money I *thought* was in my account, I was wracking up overdraft charges as well. In fact, at this moment I am terribly overdrawn. 35$ a pop adds up fast. Seriously...2$ at Starbucks = 35$!! Ugh.
So, now I am in the hole and have no chiropractor. I hope my back holds up because I do not want to find a new one. I have small faith in humanity. I don't feel like being another name in a ledger anytime soon.
*sigh* I am really upset about this, but there seems to be nothing I can do. Right now I am just hoping that I will be able to pay the bills that need to be paid and still eat over the next couple of weeks.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Fluffy Little White Stuff
I wonder if it will ever stop snowing?
Well, I mean, of course it stops snowing for small periods of time. Whole days sometimes. Even so, it has snowed more than anyone in this city considered humanly possible outside of the frozen north, or maybe Antarctica. :p
I don't really mind the snow itself. It doesn't bother me to drive in it, as long as I can get up the hill. However, it does bring a lot of other little stresses. To leave chains on or to take chains off, for one. I have already gone through one set of cable chains though, so for now that question has been answered. Chains off.
Horrible ruts and caverns and all things meant to ruin your motor vehicle have also taken shape on our roads. We had three feet in the very beginning. I nearly hunted down and shot those aquaintances of mine on Facebook crying out for rain! Something different! Yes, those of us with brains were EVER so thankful for that couple days of warm up, in which it rained, drizzled, dripped, melted, puddled, and generally created a slushy havoc of life. That is, until it all promptly froze again, and then we got another six inches. That was fun to walk through! A nice peaceful layering of snow, hiding it's icy boobytraps underneath. Of course, if you didn't break a leg, you at least found yourself glad it was frozen, so that you didn't have to WADE through it. We must have lost at least a good six to eight inches due to melt.
The ice didn't really help those already weakening roofs either, not to mention making what was already down that much harder to shovel through, AND while it was melting, huge chunks of snow from some high places, crashed down onto the ground. At least one old woman in an outlying town was buried and suffocated on her very own patio as the snow from her roof fell down on top of her.
...Okay, I admit it, I still want to kick those rain people. Fools!
Unfortunately, their undercarriage AND mine are also learning the lesson.
I am not at all exxaggerating when I say that noone should be allowed to drive in our parking lot, who does not have an all terrain vehicle.
Speaking of parking, that is another big issue. Eastern Washington University, which was set to reopen its doors tomorrow, cancelled classes because of snow. Not because it was going to snow, but because they had been plowing all of the unwanted snow into their parking lots during the break. Cheney, Washington is not such a big place. They were looking for a quick fix since it was coming down with a fury. They loaded those parking lots right on up, and now they don't have anywhere to put their returning students! There is NOWHERE to park! I suppose they will spend their first Monday hauling that snow away in trucks...to an unknown location.
I feel the pain of those with nowhere to park. Although my car is safe and sound at the moment, in a parking lot belonging in part to the people that I rent from, I have spent many more nights parked in the lot of the healthy food store kitty corner from our building. I say my prayers every night that I will not be towed. I even went in and talked to them about getting my name put on their list, so that they will call to warn me if the tow truck is on the way. It frays my nerves.
People are getting used to it. They are out and about a lot more than at first, braving the snowy roads. Most mornings it only snows three or four inches, and then the roads are clear by mid day. I don't think tomorrow is going to be one of those days. It's One in the morning and it looks to me as I peer out my window, that there is already a good three inches on the cars in the parking area next to us, and it is supposed to continue falling throughout the night. It certainly shows no signs of stopping.
Last week alone over 100 roofs collapsed in the city. I have no idea how many were residences, but I know there were at least a couple of grocery stores, a church, a gym (over the pool while people were swimming in it! - noone was hurt), and a couple different plants. One of the latter, burned to the ground shortly afterwards when the collapse sparked a fire, in some roundabout way. The firemen of course, spent a whole lot of time just trying to dig out the hydrants!
On the news they keep telling us to make sure any hydrants in our neighborhoods are dug out, as that could mean saving someones home. Precious minutes saved, not having to dig.
Of course, the neighbors are probably so bone weary from shoveling themselves out that some of them have just given up and decided to pray for no fires!
On a main arterial near where I live, the berms are so high that noone can see to get out of their driveway. Of course most of the people driving down the road are totally unaware of that fact, because who, once driving, ever really pays attention to the needs of anyone else? Okay, okay, that is uncharitable. I have seen many acts of kindness in the form of digging people out, shoveling neighbors driveways, pushing cars out of the snow, etc. etc. Still, there are quite a few idiots out there who I would like to give a good talking to (though I am sure it would do little good). People are in such a hurry to get where they are going, they don't look out for others on the road the way that they should. Blessedly, we have not had too many accidents. All things considered, that is a pretty big deal.
I keep joking around that we will be utterly buried in snow...a lost city. At some future date perhaps we will thaw out, or others of our kind will come and dig until they find us. Last year there was a ton of snow too, although not nearly as much as this at once, and it just kept on coming until well into the spring.
So, for my part, Al Gore can keep his Prius. Environmentally savvy or not, I would certainly prefer a vehicle with a foot or more of clearance, and all wheel drive. Of course, if this keeps up, I might as well just buy myself a bobcat. That way I can just plow the snow out of my way as I head to work. =)
Well, I mean, of course it stops snowing for small periods of time. Whole days sometimes. Even so, it has snowed more than anyone in this city considered humanly possible outside of the frozen north, or maybe Antarctica. :p
I don't really mind the snow itself. It doesn't bother me to drive in it, as long as I can get up the hill. However, it does bring a lot of other little stresses. To leave chains on or to take chains off, for one. I have already gone through one set of cable chains though, so for now that question has been answered. Chains off.
Horrible ruts and caverns and all things meant to ruin your motor vehicle have also taken shape on our roads. We had three feet in the very beginning. I nearly hunted down and shot those aquaintances of mine on Facebook crying out for rain! Something different! Yes, those of us with brains were EVER so thankful for that couple days of warm up, in which it rained, drizzled, dripped, melted, puddled, and generally created a slushy havoc of life. That is, until it all promptly froze again, and then we got another six inches. That was fun to walk through! A nice peaceful layering of snow, hiding it's icy boobytraps underneath. Of course, if you didn't break a leg, you at least found yourself glad it was frozen, so that you didn't have to WADE through it. We must have lost at least a good six to eight inches due to melt.
The ice didn't really help those already weakening roofs either, not to mention making what was already down that much harder to shovel through, AND while it was melting, huge chunks of snow from some high places, crashed down onto the ground. At least one old woman in an outlying town was buried and suffocated on her very own patio as the snow from her roof fell down on top of her.
...Okay, I admit it, I still want to kick those rain people. Fools!
Unfortunately, their undercarriage AND mine are also learning the lesson.
I am not at all exxaggerating when I say that noone should be allowed to drive in our parking lot, who does not have an all terrain vehicle.
Speaking of parking, that is another big issue. Eastern Washington University, which was set to reopen its doors tomorrow, cancelled classes because of snow. Not because it was going to snow, but because they had been plowing all of the unwanted snow into their parking lots during the break. Cheney, Washington is not such a big place. They were looking for a quick fix since it was coming down with a fury. They loaded those parking lots right on up, and now they don't have anywhere to put their returning students! There is NOWHERE to park! I suppose they will spend their first Monday hauling that snow away in trucks...to an unknown location.
I feel the pain of those with nowhere to park. Although my car is safe and sound at the moment, in a parking lot belonging in part to the people that I rent from, I have spent many more nights parked in the lot of the healthy food store kitty corner from our building. I say my prayers every night that I will not be towed. I even went in and talked to them about getting my name put on their list, so that they will call to warn me if the tow truck is on the way. It frays my nerves.
People are getting used to it. They are out and about a lot more than at first, braving the snowy roads. Most mornings it only snows three or four inches, and then the roads are clear by mid day. I don't think tomorrow is going to be one of those days. It's One in the morning and it looks to me as I peer out my window, that there is already a good three inches on the cars in the parking area next to us, and it is supposed to continue falling throughout the night. It certainly shows no signs of stopping.
Last week alone over 100 roofs collapsed in the city. I have no idea how many were residences, but I know there were at least a couple of grocery stores, a church, a gym (over the pool while people were swimming in it! - noone was hurt), and a couple different plants. One of the latter, burned to the ground shortly afterwards when the collapse sparked a fire, in some roundabout way. The firemen of course, spent a whole lot of time just trying to dig out the hydrants!
On the news they keep telling us to make sure any hydrants in our neighborhoods are dug out, as that could mean saving someones home. Precious minutes saved, not having to dig.
Of course, the neighbors are probably so bone weary from shoveling themselves out that some of them have just given up and decided to pray for no fires!
On a main arterial near where I live, the berms are so high that noone can see to get out of their driveway. Of course most of the people driving down the road are totally unaware of that fact, because who, once driving, ever really pays attention to the needs of anyone else? Okay, okay, that is uncharitable. I have seen many acts of kindness in the form of digging people out, shoveling neighbors driveways, pushing cars out of the snow, etc. etc. Still, there are quite a few idiots out there who I would like to give a good talking to (though I am sure it would do little good). People are in such a hurry to get where they are going, they don't look out for others on the road the way that they should. Blessedly, we have not had too many accidents. All things considered, that is a pretty big deal.
I keep joking around that we will be utterly buried in snow...a lost city. At some future date perhaps we will thaw out, or others of our kind will come and dig until they find us. Last year there was a ton of snow too, although not nearly as much as this at once, and it just kept on coming until well into the spring.
So, for my part, Al Gore can keep his Prius. Environmentally savvy or not, I would certainly prefer a vehicle with a foot or more of clearance, and all wheel drive. Of course, if this keeps up, I might as well just buy myself a bobcat. That way I can just plow the snow out of my way as I head to work. =)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Holiday Revelry
I have this Faith Hill song stuck in my head, it's called; "Stealing Kisses." I really love that song. It's kind of sad...I like to think of it as tragically beautiful, and those are my favorite kind. It is really uncanny how many of my blog titles come from song lyrics. Stealing Kisses just wasn't gonna work out for me tonight. Still, there it is. At least my song of the moment is included.
So last night was the fabulous Leach family christmas shindig, which I enjoyed far more than should be legally possible. I think there was a moment there when I was pretty close to "perfectly happy." I'm a simple girl, what can I say? I don't think there is any such thing as sustained perfect happiness, so you have to grasp the feeling when you can! =)
After the Leach family fun I journeyed through the snow storm to my Mother's house. It was late, I'm not gonna lie. My brother lives there with his daughter, Hailey, who is two (well, two in January). So, apparently sometime during the night, before bed, my brother's...friend? gf? I have no idea? ..put some lotion on Hailey, which she was really sensitive to. It made her skin burn. Of course, she couldn't tell us what was wrong, she just screamed bloody murder. She wasn't really scratching or anything at first, and my mom and I could not figure out what was going on. We tried everything we could think of to make her feel better. When we would try to talk to her she would just scream louder. I mean, it was bad. I was starting to pray desperate prayers of; "help! my niece is posessed!" My brother had already gone to bed when this started, apparently. Mom and I were up almost all night with Hailey. She would start to doze off and then wake up crying. Even though it must have been hurting her all along, it didn't show up on her skin right away. Eventually her face started to get blotchy and she was scratching her forehead though, and my mom went and put her in the bath. Phew! Everything was great after that, except for the fact that none of us had gotten any sleep.
We were surprisingly upbeat today, considering. Of course, I did have four cups of coffee that didn't even take the edge off.
I played trivial pursuit with my sister, her fiance, and our cousin. I was nearly falling asleep at the table.
I am SO glad to be home. Of course, when I got here I had to straighten up because I don't want to wake up to a messy house. It is reasonably tidy at the moment, and that's pretty much all I've got in me. I am going to confess that there are a couple of boxes of things I hid from myself in the sun room, because I am too exhausted to organize anything and I don't want to sort through them. On top of that, there are all the things I brought home, which I have not yet put away. They are in a neat little area, but still...
I can't even think about doing it tonight though. I am hoping to have enough energy just to go to work tomorrow! It is past time for sleeping. Reading is totally out of the question.
The wall is looming. I am about to smack into it.
So last night was the fabulous Leach family christmas shindig, which I enjoyed far more than should be legally possible. I think there was a moment there when I was pretty close to "perfectly happy." I'm a simple girl, what can I say? I don't think there is any such thing as sustained perfect happiness, so you have to grasp the feeling when you can! =)
After the Leach family fun I journeyed through the snow storm to my Mother's house. It was late, I'm not gonna lie. My brother lives there with his daughter, Hailey, who is two (well, two in January). So, apparently sometime during the night, before bed, my brother's...friend? gf? I have no idea? ..put some lotion on Hailey, which she was really sensitive to. It made her skin burn. Of course, she couldn't tell us what was wrong, she just screamed bloody murder. She wasn't really scratching or anything at first, and my mom and I could not figure out what was going on. We tried everything we could think of to make her feel better. When we would try to talk to her she would just scream louder. I mean, it was bad. I was starting to pray desperate prayers of; "help! my niece is posessed!" My brother had already gone to bed when this started, apparently. Mom and I were up almost all night with Hailey. She would start to doze off and then wake up crying. Even though it must have been hurting her all along, it didn't show up on her skin right away. Eventually her face started to get blotchy and she was scratching her forehead though, and my mom went and put her in the bath. Phew! Everything was great after that, except for the fact that none of us had gotten any sleep.
We were surprisingly upbeat today, considering. Of course, I did have four cups of coffee that didn't even take the edge off.
I played trivial pursuit with my sister, her fiance, and our cousin. I was nearly falling asleep at the table.
I am SO glad to be home. Of course, when I got here I had to straighten up because I don't want to wake up to a messy house. It is reasonably tidy at the moment, and that's pretty much all I've got in me. I am going to confess that there are a couple of boxes of things I hid from myself in the sun room, because I am too exhausted to organize anything and I don't want to sort through them. On top of that, there are all the things I brought home, which I have not yet put away. They are in a neat little area, but still...
I can't even think about doing it tonight though. I am hoping to have enough energy just to go to work tomorrow! It is past time for sleeping. Reading is totally out of the question.
The wall is looming. I am about to smack into it.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Bring on the laughter..
I have been so good about updating lately, I don't want to lose the groove now!
I had some family and friends over tonight. We had dinner and played games and it was just totally laid back and fun. I had a couple of glasses of bubbly. :) Of course, the champagne only brought the sleepiness on faster. I'm about to fall over from exhaustion. I guess all the snow shoveling is wearing me out! :p It was an...interesting...drive home from work today. Tomorrow I have to do it again. God bless my little front wheel drive. I don't know how I got it back into the driveway tonight, but PTL!! A friend called me yesterday and said; "Are you okay?!? Do we need to come get you?! We have room you know! Is your electricity working? Is it warm enough?? We are going to bring you a little space heater tomorrow!" haha. I wasn't expecting the outburst of kindness. It made my day. Plus, they have a nice big truck, and now I know who to call when noone else can get up and down this damn hill anymore!!! It's good to have friends!
Sometimes it's nice just to have a bit of laughter with people you love, and not have to think too hard about anything. I appreciate nights like tonight. I dearly love to laugh! Recently my friend pointed out that I, like his wife, throw my head back with abandon and laugh from my belly. :p I never would have thought about that if it hadn't been pointed out to me! Isn't that funny?! I never would have noticed!
Okay, that's it. I just hit the wall. To bed before I am asleep on the computer keys. =)
I had some family and friends over tonight. We had dinner and played games and it was just totally laid back and fun. I had a couple of glasses of bubbly. :) Of course, the champagne only brought the sleepiness on faster. I'm about to fall over from exhaustion. I guess all the snow shoveling is wearing me out! :p It was an...interesting...drive home from work today. Tomorrow I have to do it again. God bless my little front wheel drive. I don't know how I got it back into the driveway tonight, but PTL!! A friend called me yesterday and said; "Are you okay?!? Do we need to come get you?! We have room you know! Is your electricity working? Is it warm enough?? We are going to bring you a little space heater tomorrow!" haha. I wasn't expecting the outburst of kindness. It made my day. Plus, they have a nice big truck, and now I know who to call when noone else can get up and down this damn hill anymore!!! It's good to have friends!
Sometimes it's nice just to have a bit of laughter with people you love, and not have to think too hard about anything. I appreciate nights like tonight. I dearly love to laugh! Recently my friend pointed out that I, like his wife, throw my head back with abandon and laugh from my belly. :p I never would have thought about that if it hadn't been pointed out to me! Isn't that funny?! I never would have noticed!
Okay, that's it. I just hit the wall. To bed before I am asleep on the computer keys. =)
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