Realization

I've come to a decision.

Something that reminded me of one of the reasons I needed to make this decision, was a blog I happened across yesterday.
You see, I love to write. I may not be spectacular at it, but I love it anyway. You ought to see the stack of journals I keep at home, all filled up with this small handwriting crammed into every square inch of paper. I know that to write well, you have to be willing to be transparent in a lot of ways. The stuff we write has to come from somewhere...and if we are unable to reach down into those places, then the stuff we write is pretty shallow.
Unfortunately, we spend our lives helping each other pound down our feelings...and our creativity. There is no more room for daydreams in the harsh reality of life. Damn that sucks.
I have become expert at pounding, although the results often leave a little more to be desired. My desires and emotions that I have worked hard at killing, tend to resurrect themselves at the most inconvenient times.
Why would I even think of doing such a thing in the first place?!? Why would any of us?!?!? Well, I know that for me, as much as I don't want to fit into the box, I have to make a living. Right now, making a living means; answering the phone, answering the phone, answering the phone. Oh yes, let me count the joys. There's just not a lot of opportunity around here these days though. So, you have to do what you have to do. I can't move just now, and I am not completely sure that I want to. Seattle is nice, but I don't want to be stoned in the street for daring to vote Republican. =P hehe.
So, here's my decision. I am just going to work on being me. That that means is, if I am having a bad day, I am going to write that. If I am having a hilarious day, I am going to write like everything is funny. If I am having a....well, you get it.
I am tired of having to throw in hope and smiles because I am a Christian. Sometimes I get mad at God. Sometimes I hate my life. What good is it doing me to pretend otherwise?? How is it helping me, or anyone else? It isn't. This is what sucks about the church. It isn't always so great and glorious. Everything isn't simple. Everyday isn't filled with smiles, and don't treat me like it has to be. We begin to treat each other like unhappiness, or discontent are a sure sign that we have backslidden and are on a fast track to hell. Well, you know what? I am glad that God is not as fake and shallow as we are. And I am glad that just because the 40 hour work week is the American status quo, doesn't mean that God isn't a little more imaginative.
Saying that doesn't mean that I am not mad at Him, and that we don't have some things to work out. It's just the truth. I know it is, even if I am cranky. Don't get me wrong please...I am not cursing God. He is. I mean, He is God, He is there, He is everywhere, and I believe in Him. I believe His word is true, and that we should live accordingly...
I just don't always do that very well, and I am still working some things out in my mind, and that is okay, because He wants us to follow Him completely, and sometimes the precursor to that is that we rebel a little. We get reminded why we don't want to go the other way.

I want to believe completely. I want to know why I do. I don't want to be swallowed by the church, who will tell me everything I need to know. Sometimes I need to work a few things out on my own.
So I am just working on being real. Who I really am. And this is me today.

Austin

Well, it sounds like Becky is getting a job in Texas. They are just calling her references and whatnot, but they hit it off really well, and I think it sounds like a sure thing. What is it about Texas that steals my friends away and makes me fly there all the time for weddings?!?! haha.

Anyway, she asked if I want to go with her. She'll live at the camp where she works, but I would be getting my own place, which is okay with me. It would be in the Austin area.
But...I am just not sure how I feel about it. It isn't that I have anything against Texas. I am all for living in a gun-totin' red state. hehe. Still, it's a long way from home, and I would miss my little sister. Part of me is like...no, no, no, I don't wanna! The other part is saying, Please Amanda, just do SOMETHING! Go! Why not?!?!
I tell myself that there isn't really any reason for me to stay here. Really it's just that I can't imagine what kind of job I can move on to here. Everything is the same. I don't live in a booming job kind of community. I can't imagine myself at my current job forever, and the prospect of job hunting again is like a nightmare.
The thing is, I need to go to school. If I move to Austin I am going to have that whole "between states" thing going on, which is not always so good as far as tuition and fees are concerned. Grr.

Anyway, I have no idea what I am going to do.

Sometimes I hate my life.

I know I am just having a bad day, and that in a couple of days I will have completely snapped out of it. Okay, maybe not completely, but mostly. Still, so often there's this lingering dissatisfaction about life. I tell my friends..."No, don't worry, I am fine, I don't mean it to sound so bad." The reality though...sometimes it is that bad.
Today I was reading my friends blog. She's in the peace corp.
When I looked at a picture of her over there, I just saw all of her successes flash before my eyes. And, you know, she's my friend so I am glad for her. I love her and all.
But sometimes I hate her.
Because she's good at all the things I am bad at. She finds opportunities where I find dark, empty rooms. She finds motivation where I find depression and apathy. Arrggg! =P

When I was younger I had this grand plan for my life. When that plan got burnt up like so many wild grasses after the lightening, I still looked ahead brightly. I just made new plans. I branched out in what I had wanted. But all good things crumble into dust. Or at least it often seems so. I used to be an optimist, can you believe it?!
I have just been dissapointed, so. very. many. times.
The funny thing is, I have little patience with people who talk like this, because we all know well enough that life goes on. Just suck it up. Who knows what might be around the bend?! Oh, the irony!

I just feel wasted. Wasted brains that need an education. Wasted heart that needs something to be passionate about. I am always trying to find my niche. Find that something that I am good at, all can get into, find that place where I belong. Sometimes I really wonder if there is such a place.
*sigh* but I am going to keep on keeping on, because that is all we can do. Try to be kind, and serve the people around us. Try to see the silver lining, and not be a person constantly raining on other peoples parades. Look up!
That friendly upbeat person? That's who I used to be. That's who I want to be. I want to say I am strong, and whatever comes I will face it head on, and I will be an overcomer. No matter what kind of nasty lemons life hands me, I will make tasty lemonade. I have lost faith in me though. Too many failures. Too many grievances hidden in my heart.
This uphill battle of mine. *shrug* what can I say? This is how I feel. This is where I am. This is where I usually am.
And I want to belive Him. And I want to know that it could change. But I don't know it. And if I just had whatever it takes to get through it anyway, with the kind of integrity that I want to walk out, then maybe that would be enough...but I find it hard to do sometimes.
"I find it hard to say..that everything is alright..."(LH)

Okay, enough bitching.
I am off for today.

Where are they now?!!

Here is my list of "where are they now's." It's a pretty random list that won't mean anything to anyone else, but that is just fine with me. Aren't I doing this blog for my own entertainment? =)

Person #1) Chris Davlin. (aka Chris2, Curse or Cursy Wursy):
Where the heck are you? Chris is my friend from high school. I have this memory of him singing to me at the piano in the choir room. I also have numerous memories of walks, and talks, and coffees. Life has gone different ways for us, judging from the last time we spoke. ( I think about eight years ago, maybe seven), but I love him still, as if I were there listening to him sing.
*I memorized that poem you wrote in my 11th grade yearbook. That poem meant more to me than anything I ever read in a book.

#2 & #3) Joe Powers & Bill Yen (two guys I met on the way to Olympia)
Okay, so I didn't know them very long, but some people have a profound impact alright?! Joe was the best friend. Well, if you must, best friend with all those oogly googly feelings. =) Bill was big brother (even though we were the same age) We all got along so well. I loved those guys for that time we spent together, and I still think about them once in awhile. Fond memories. Very fond.
*Joe, I think I have a nametag that belongs to you.

#4) Deena Worden (Who I met in Amsterdam)
Deena. I miss ya. One of my fondest memories from my time in Amsterdam, is creeping down to the kitchen at 11:30 p.m. and sitting in the dark drinking tea, and usually eating popcorn, with you and Marcos. What I wouldn't give to be back there right now. I wish I could have transported that nightly occurence home with me. We didn't even hang out tons the rest of the time, but those nightly chats meant a lot to me, and I miss you two. I hope you are well.

#5) Angela Hernandez (was Pfeiffer)
Ang, I swear you have dropped off the face of the earth!!! How hard is it to drop an email once in six months?!?! How many kids do you have now anyway!?!?! =) Where ARE you?!?!
We had some good times. Whenever I see someone drinking Guinness, I think of you and Shawn. hehe. =P

Crap. I gotta go! I guess that's it for my trip down memory lane. forgot I needed to be somewhere! Arrgghhh!
Anyways friends, hope life finds you all well. Bless you.

Life is a Highway.

What the heck happens to people? I mean...where do they go? I think I just happen to live in one of those kinds of cities where everyone leaves and then they don't come back. Okay, wait, they do sometimes come back when they have spouses and little ones, and think this is a nice place to raise the fam. Single people my age are a little harder to come by. hehe. After 22, there is like this 10 year age gap of the missing.
People just seem to fall off the face of the earth. Not that I haven't wandered abroad and all, but now I am here and....where the heck is everyone else?

Anyway. My friends here are all; a) married (with children); b) getting married; c) under the age of 24. Not that any of these things are bad...but surely they are other single people over the age of 24 wandering around out there, who don't have to go home and put the kids to bed, who want to hang out. =) I am all about the friends. Not that I have anything against getting married. I mean, by all means, I am game! There just seems to be this one tiiiinnyy little problem. That's right, no groom. And, while I would like to run into him eventually, I would rather not be out there with my bincochulars looking for what eligible bachelor I can knock over the head and drag home. If it happens, it does. If not, there is more to life.

Speaking of more to life, I am saving my money to take another trip overseas. It's been too long really. One of my best friends lives in London, and I miss her. I'd like to go hang out with her awhile, and spend a week or so in Ireland and Scotland as well. I'll also probably fly to Amsterdam for a weekend at least. I think I still know a couple of people around there. It would be nice to see that city again.
I am taking a trip down memory lane inside my head right now. Every once in awhile I will still wake up from a dream that I am in Amsterdam. Usually it is so real, that I wake up going "No! I don't want to leave!" Of course, in my dreams the people I loved in A'dam are still there with me, so.... such is life.

I am ready to play the "Where are they now?" game.

Glenn Quinn

So, I confess. I am a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. I never thought this would happen, but my little sister got me hooked. Now, I am not saying that I agree with everything in that show, and that there is nothing I find morally questionable. However, the truth of it is, Joss Whedon is a brilliant man. It's seriously a fabulous show.
So anyway, I didn't hop on the bandwagon until around season 4, and even then I missed some later episodes. So I ended up buying some of the dvd's. The problem is, I got done with them. And now what do I do? So, I decided that I would have to venture into the Angel series. I should have known I would like it, since, again, Joss is brilliant.
I started watching the show and I just fell in love with Glenn Quinn (Doyle). I am all about the Irishmen. Yay Irish! woo! So anyway, I watched the first season, and then one day I decided to look up Glenn Quinn online, to see if he had any movies out or anything. I discovered that he had passed away in 2002. Died of a drug overdose. That just broke my heart. What a sad freaking world we live in. I lost a sister a little over a year before Glenn died, and my heart just so went out to his family. To lose somebody in such a way....
I really don't know very much about Glenn Quinn. He just seemed to have this positive energy that shone through his work. It still hurts my heart when I see him in those episodes. God bless his family, and may he rest in peace.