RAWR!!!!!!!!!!

*Sigh*
I knew that this kind of thing would eventually happen, but for some reason I felt like it would be a little further into the future. I guess you can never know.

Life happens in seasons. For the most part I am a fairly social being. High school for me was a mostly social experience. I got involved in the first church I went to after graduation because my friend dragged me there. I did eventually "stick" in a church because of a little more than relationship, but let's face it, it is a largely motivating factor.
For a season now though, I haven't been doing the mega social thing. I have gotten a lot more introverted over the years. Not always, but I definitely enjoy my personal time in a way that I never used to.
Lately I spend a pretty decent amount of time on my own. I like it this way. After leaving my church I felt like I needed a time of just remembering who I was apart from all of that. Outside of leadership and whatnot.
Eventually, I will feel the pull to be back in church. God will nudge me and I will go. I will want to go.
Eventually I will feel the need to be more social and to leave my comfort zone more often, and to have more stimulating conversations.
Well, the latter, at least, is happening.
I was so frustrated today and at first I just didn't get why, until I realized that I am completely bored. Not bored as in, there is nothing to do exactly. I mean, there is always something to do. In fact, I could clean my mom's house. She would love that. hehe.
What I mean is, that I have read lots of books this year, and I have filled my brain up with things, but its not the same as actually communicating with other people.

Currently, almost all of the people that I talk to on any sort of regular basis, are in the Seattle area, Texas, or Minnesota. And God bless all of you, because you are great, and I value those communications. I believe however, that I am starting to go through actual people withdrawal.
Email conversations are great. They definitely have their place. Good thing too, or I would never hear from Shawn, Joe, Trish, or Karla. I never would have even started talking to Ryan or Nickie. Lisa, Becky and Mel I at least talk to on the phone, (and I don't even love talking on the phone) but you know...
I just want friends that I get to see in person.

Wouldn't it be nice if my nerdy friends were busting down my door over who gets to go with me to see X-Men this weekend? lol. I mean, I will probably go with Brad and Jeanine, who ARE the coolest people in the known world but still, I think you get my meaning.

I have been so content, and now it is getting all wrecked, and making me want to move sooner so that I can go to dinner with Jeni once in awhile, and reconnect with Becky & Kari, and see Mel and....Grr. I think you get the picture.
I am going to Europe in the fall though, and this is important for more than getting to see the Green shores of Ireland. I miss Shawn dreadfully. I haven't seen her in almost nine years. I miss Karla too. I want to take the opportunity to see them while I can, plus I want to get out of debt, plus I need to save money for the move. I need a little time ya know?! =P So I can't move sooner and I just need to deal with it!!!!!!!!!!! So again with the RAWR!!

Such is life.

Hot Dogs and Pine Trees

Last night I had a lot on my mind. It was stressing me out a little, and that annoyed me, so I decided to go for a drive and take my mind off of it...or something. =) I used to go for drives all the time. It was my way of getting away, having quiet time to think, or sometimes just because I enjoyed it.
So last night I drove up to the lodge at Mnt. Spokane. It's really not that far from home. I just drove up and drove back down. It was raining a little bit on the mountain, and it smelled so good up there. Sooo good. I love the smell of pine, and everything smells good right after it rains. Plus, I could smell wood smoke, and it reminded me of camping. I love camping.
I love sitting around the campfire until too late at night, and then getting up too early in the morning because the birds and chirping, the bugs are buzzing, and some fool morning person is making coffee, which you can smell; and finally you just can't take it anymore, and you have to get up!! Ha ha ha!!!!

I am turning 30 this year, and one of my best friends, Jeanine, who is like my surrogate big sister, is turning 40. So we decided that to celebrate, we are going to go camping this summer.
I like to catch my marshmallows on fire...and everyone that does that knows exactly what I mean. =) In fact, I like to blacken hot dogs as well. Maybe I'm just a pyromaniac?? =P

I've been blogging kind of a lot lately. Lots of random things. I decided to enjoy it while I can, because sometimes I just stop for no reason, and that makes me crazy. I mean, I can discipline myself to do it, but I consider it more of an enjoyment than a discipline. I do discipline myself more to write in my handwritten journal, but the blog I usually only update when I feel inspired to do so, which sometimes is a lot, and other times is not so often. Of course, when I go back and there is an entire month where I haven't written a blog at all I just Grrr and shake my head in frustration. =P
I think part of the reason I have been blogging more is because of my work schedule. I am pretty close to loving it, which I NEVER thought I would say about such an early morning shift. However, I get home pretty early in the day, and usually either noone is home, or at least the house is pretty quiet. So, I like to sit down and check my email, talk to people online, write my blog or whatever. I have quiet time to think a little. It's fabulous. It even pays for having to try to go to bed so early, which I don't always do actually. Naps are the wellspring of my life. =) It's all good though.

Stephanie Doell

As I was writing my last post, I was reminded of these awesome late night chats I used to have online with Steph. We would always end up talking about something that I didn't have any answers for. I got so much out of those talks. I grew so much through them. I miss them. I felt myself being stretched all the time, and I love that honesty that always existed in our friendship.
Don't know if she'll read this, since I don't catch her often anymore, but I know she's out there somewhere.
God always used those talks to show me stuff, and to bring things out of me that I didn't know were in there. Plus, Steph is just so funny, and such a sweet fabulous friend.
Bless you girl, wherever you are.
I miss you!

Hope.

Hebrews 12:1- Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I got an email today from a girl I met in Montana when I was working with Youth With A Mission. Six months ago, while working in Thailand, she was in a motorcycle/bus accident. She ended up under the bus. Luckily she was spared what could have been fatal injuries. She did, however, shatter the bones in one of her feet and has just started walking for the first time since. I am always so impressed by her attitude. It is so good.
So anyway, she sent out this long email and in it she quoted these couple of scriptures.
This really has nothing to do with her accident, but I just wanted to say God bless her for keeping such high spirits.

The scriptures that she quoted moved something in me. I have to say, that this was for the first time in a long time.
I belonged to an Inductive Bible study for about three years, and at least half of that time I was *officially* part of the leadership team. It was a great Bible study. I had really wanted to learn it, and I really enjoyed teaching it. At least, at first.
Without pointing any fingers, or bringing anyone else into my feelings, let me just say that I felt more and more trapped all the time. The best way I can explain it is to say that I felt like I was in this box, and there weren't any cracks for air. I was starting to feel suffocated. It's important to say that this had been growing in me for some time, but was solidified during this period of time.

All of us have different personalities, and distinct gifts that we have been given. So, I find myself still trying to determine whether or not I just wasn't in a place where I was flourishing in mine. I had worked in leadership for several years before this time. All I can say for sure is that I learned something very important during this phase of my life. Maybe this is something that should be true for all of us, I tend to think so.
My faith needs feet. I can live inside a nice christian bubble, I can go to church four nights a week, and I can cram in every prayer meeting possible, but to be honest, these aren't the things that build my faith, or burn inside my heart. The things that teach me are numerous and varied.
When I am at work, and there is just that one coworker who is so darn mean to everyone, and I show them the most genuine kindness that I can muster.
When the bills are piling up, and I don't know where all the money is going to come from, but I still pull out that ten percent before anything else, because I have the faith that God always stretches it out.
All the times when I show restraint with my temper, or when I show mercy to someone who really doesn't deserve it, or when I feel like cursing God And instead I just cry out to Him.
Just life. Just living it.
I feel like I was kind of hiding for a long long time, and the people closest to me were helping me do it.
Since I didn't date, I really don't have to deal with the kind of pressure that potentially goes along with that, the temptation or whatever else.
Since I didn't have any non-christian friends, I don't have to decide what I would do if one of them put me in a compromising position, or if one of them asked me a question I couldn't answer about the Bible or Christianity.
Since someone in church was always ready to pick me up, ultimately God didn't always have to, and I stopped relying on Him, and started relying on them.

It's very tempting as leadership, to try and control people. You know, sin scares us. We don't want to fall into it. We don't want to make mistakes. So we try to avoid it, and we try to get the people around us to avoid it. Now, of course there is something biblical in "avoiding temptation," but I am talking about disengaging to a more extreme extent.
The problem is, you can't control people, and if you wield that kind of extreme control, you might as well be waiting for an eventual revolution. Essentially, this is what happened with me. I finally revolted. I couldn't stand it anymore. If God has grace for me, why can't I have grace for me?? Why can't you have grace for me?? In high school, I was the one who wasn't drinking and wasn't doing drugs, and wasn't sleeping around, and I was making wise decisions without someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to have a positive effect on my friends and I didn't have a holier than thou attitude, because I didn't know I was really being very good. haha. I thought I was just one of them!!!
So here I am in my late 20's, and I have all these voices telling me which of my decisions are right and which are wrong, and oh so many are wrong. There are all these voices except for the one important voice, that still soft voice of God that I heard before I ever knew that I was hearing it. Acting on it before I even realized He was whispering in my ear.

People need to experience this for themselves. They need to make mistakes sometimes to experience grace. If we don't allow them the freedom to do that, we are stunting their spiritual growth. It's just like with your kids, there is only so much that you can shelter them from! If you try to keep people that sheltered, they are never going to know how to live in the real world, and this was me. I *forgot* how to live in the real world.
I think I am figuring it out again, but to be honest it is a slow and sometimes painful process, and usually scary.
Luckily I have the most solid and down to earth friends spread around out there, that even though I left my bible study, and church for the time being, I was able to just spread my feelers out and connect again with those roots that give me strength in healthy ways.

I don't want anyone to think that I am bashing church, because I am not. What I am going through, and have gone through, anyone could fall into, and many people do, but lots of people also don't. I allowed people to have more authority in my life than what I should have given them. I handed some things over too easily. I let other people become the voice of God for me. Ultimately, I accept responsibility for that, although for many reasons I still needed to separate myself from the atmosphere I was in. Sometimes a change will do you good ( As Sheryl Crowe so readily advises. hehe).

I've felt pretty numb in a lot of ways. A little bitter. A lot dissapointed. I know that some of the things I am going through are very needed, but that doesn't make them fun, and it sure doesn't make me feel very spiritual. I am not in the best place with God that I have ever been, but I am trying to let healing happen naturally without trying to force the process.
So today when I read that scripture and this tiny bead of inspiration jumped into my heart, I was so blessed. I felt...relieved. Like, maybe there's still hope in there after all. Maybe my heart is not so hard after all.
I am really glad about that, because the only thing I ever wanted was to know Him, and to walk closely with Him all the days of my life.

Romans 8:37-39- But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Water Wonderland

So this evening I was watching my nephew take his first dip in the backyard kiddie pool. It's in the lower 90's outside, but that pool was just filled and you know that water is an icy 38 degrees. hehe. He just jumped in without even a shiver!!!
The sprinkler was going, and the sun was shining, and I was reminded of those childhood days gone by, when we would laugh and run through the sprinkler, splash the kiddie pool water on each other, squirt someone with the hose. Possibly, someone would even bring out the slip and slide.
These neighbors of ours had these things called water weenies. I never saw them anywhere else, but they were HOURS of entertainment for the kids in my neighborhood!!!
Oh, and who can forget good old water balloons!!!

My favorite water memory is from grade school. Third grade I think, when I still went to Shiloh Hills. On the last day of school, they would do these games out on the playground and in the grass and whatnot. So in one of the games you would have this team of like...eight people or something. You would all stand in this single file line, with a huge tub of water at the front, and a small empty bucket at the back. the first person in line held a coffee can with tons of little holes in the bottom. So, the goal was to fill the coffee can with water from the tub, and pass it over everyones heads, dumping whatever was left into the bucket at the rear of the line. First team to fill that bucket wins. Everyone gets wet. Everyone is screaming and passing that can as fast as possible. It was third grade bliss.

It's hard to even imagine a time when life was so good. Not that life is all that bad right now, but you know what I mean. Now there is work, and bills, and all the responsibilities that come with being an adult....which I have tried desperately to avoid but its just not working!!! haha!

Summer sunshine can be such fun!

Mother India

"Father God, you have shed your tears for mother India
They have fallen to water, ancient seas...
that will grow, into hands that touch the untouchable....
How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak.
Father forgive me for I have not believed
like mother India I've groaned and grieved.
Father forgive me, I forgot your grace.
Your spirit falls on India... capture me in your embrace."

Early last spring my friend Maribeth made me listen to this Caedmons Call cd called "Share the Well." I like the band anyway, so I didn't need to be talked into it. It's compiled of a bunch of songs that they wrote while traveling to India, Brazil, and Ecuador. They wanted to include a lot of the traditional music from those places. It is a fabulous cd, and these lyrics are from a song called ...can you guess it? Mother India. I cried the first five times I heard this song. Not just because it's a good song, but because it really touched my heart. It brought back a lot of memories from my time in India, and the people that we met there.
I really think that there were people on our team who were much more involved than I was. The residual impact for me personally though...well, it was tremendous.
So the other day I was working at this little coffee kiosk I do about once or twice a week. We weren't busy at all. I was just kind of kicking back. This Indian family came up and ordered a bunch of coffees and planted themselves at the tables we have out. There were there for awhile, so when I had a chance I went over and asked them where they were from. We had a great chat. It was so cool! They were from Hyderabad, and I know where that is. They were all excited to hear that I had spent three months in their country. We talked about the differences in culture. One of the things that stood out to the mother, at least, was how far spaced out we are. She said, in India if you are sick or something, your neighbors are there helping, cooking the food an whatever. Here, you are hiding in your house, and your neighbors are behind their door and they are not coming out.
It was so interesting to talk to them! The father's accent was *much* harder to understand than the mothers was. Apparently their son lives in Pullman, Washington where he went to school, and then moved. They were taking a little road trip before going home.

After they left I just felt the tears well up in my eyes as these memories and feelings rushed over me. The impact my DTS had on me, its hard to put into words.
I had this moment where I just felt like...."Wow, I need to go back." =P
Not back to India neccesarily, although I would be okay with that now (I wouldn't have been at first), but anywhere. To YWAM.

Maybe you'll laugh, but I had this thought that maybe if I married a non-YWAMer, I could do another DTS. lol. I mean, he would never have done one right? So we could do one together. It would be fantastic. =p
I was thinking...how differently would I see things now than I did when I was 22??
To be honest, I am trying to remember who that girl was who first went to YWAM, and I wish that I could get in touch with that kind of fresh faith that I had back then. Seasoned faith is good too, but occassionally we need to have a little refreshing. I could sure use some, let me tell you.

So, thats my schpiel. After that family left I called Shawn up frantically and told her what had transpired. She was on my outreach team, and has worked overseas most of the time since. If anyone would understand my enthusiasm, it would be her. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since, and about where my life has gone.
I think about that fairly often these days I guess. Maybe its the impending 30th birthday that causes this phenomenon. =)
*shrug*

"...theres a land, where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags, for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
and the doors of the King are thrown wide..."

Tired! Tiiiiiiiired!

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I had to get up at FOUR this morning. Ugh. usually I hate getting up, but very quickly after I am, I snap into a fairly cheerful, though subdued morning mood. Today, fifteen minutes after getting up I was still like...."Oh God. I can't do this today." I did do it though, and work was even good, until I started to go quickly downhill around noon. I survived the last hour and a half of my shift though. Yay for me!
I tried to take a nap when I got home, but that didn't last long before I had to pick up my nephew from daycare, and he is in my charge until my mom gets home from work at 6:30. Believe me when I say that I am going to get about ten hours of sleep tonight. Nice!

I've been so busy lately, I haven't really spent much time online. Sometimes this blog is like an afterthought. Oh yeah!!!! I do have one of those blog things!!!
I like to have it, actually, although I am still a little grieved over the fact that I never backed up my d-x entries, and they were all lost to the four winds. Four years of entries. Ugh. I've never written here as much as I used to do there. Maybe I'll do more eventually. Once the sting wears off.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Anyone know that song? We sang it in jazz choir when I was in high school, but you can actually hear it on the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack.
"In the wee small hours of the morning..when the whole wide world is fast asleep...you lie awake and think about the boy, and never ever think of counting sheep..."
Whenever I have to continuously get up early, I think about that song, even though it's a love song, and not a get up early song. heh.

So, I am on an early morning shift, the like of which I thought I would probably never do again. In fact, this is probably the earliest I have ever worked, besides the two weeks in the summer where I helped Melanie, and Uncle Dave dig post holes at Mary's ranch. So far, I haven't had to actually be at work before 5a.m., but since I live across town, that means that I am getting up by 4. My shift varies, so, some mornings I get to sleep in until 5:30 or 5:45. Nice. How funny is it when 5:30 a.m. is sleeping in?!
I almost never get enough sleep. I survive because of naps. Last night I think I slept maybe four and a half hours, so today when I got home around 2:00 I was ready to pass out.
I'm so used to it now though, after only three weeks or so, that seeing myself scheduled for a 10a.m. to 6 shift makes me cringe. Mornings go by faster, because we are usually busy. I get out of there at a decent hour of the day. I am quickly getting set in my ways. Getting a random mid shift here and there throws me all out of whack. I have one on Tuesday that I am not excited about.

My job is not brain surgery. I could do something that required a lot more intelligence. People are always telling me that I am really smart. (Why? I have no idea) So, when I am constantly doing these flaky things it drives me insane. I am still kind of the new person, and I know that I should cut myself some slack, but I swear some days they must think that I am the biggest moron. Grrr.

In other news....
I turn thirty a month from today. I've actually been looking forward to thirty, but as it draws nearer it is bringing with it introspection mode. For one thing, I am fairly content at the moment, to be single. I am not freaking out to be thirty and still single. I've actually enjoyed a freedom that not all of my friends have had, being married in their early 20's. The older I get, a few things are being driven home. Like, the fact that the person I am in my head is not always the person I am on the outside. I wonder if I show people who I really am, or something else. I do go through those phases where I really want to get married, and I am pretty sure that's fairly normal, but I try to hide those feelings, push them back into the dark recesses of my brain & heart. It's really a little less about what people think, and a little more about detesting dissapointment. =P I've been staying at my mom's and I am getting some bills paid and whatnot, and being here allows me to do that and also to save money for going back overseas, which I am bound to do. I've been planning on moving the first of the year as well, so that's plenty to save for.

Joe and I once had this argument when I said that I wanted to marry someone who had been involved in YWAM. I mean, that is narrowing the field a lot, and its not really fair, which I can now conceed. Actually, I am trying to remember if I really said it had to be that way, or just that I would prefer it. I think the latter, but in any case, it doesn't matter anymore. I love to travel, and it would be nice to meet someone who shares that passion, but as long as they are morally sound and compatible, it doesn't matter if that means YWAM or not. I have standards, but a lot of my ideas about certain things have completely changed in the past couple of years.
So...anyway....this stuff has just been coming up in my head the past couple of days. Crazy. It's good though, I guess, to sit and reevaluate your life at regular intervals. If I had done it seriously more often, then maybe I would have been on the road to well adjusted sooner. I felt trapped for a long time, and I didn't know which way to move in. Sometimes you just need to pick a direction and go, no matter what.

Voltaire

So I decided to start reading Candide and Zadig. It's on my lifetime reading list, and I had it just sitting there, so what the hell! I have *a lot* of books to read this week and next. So far, it is actually pretty entertaining. I really didn't know what to expect, but I thought it would be dry at the very least.

The Dean Koontz book was alright, but not as good as the other book of his that I read.

I've been making more notes lately for something that I want to write. I am desperate to write actual books one day. I really very much want to do this. It's not the writing itself that is the problem either. I can sit and write for hours and hours. I am a little afraid though, that as far as fiction, I will run out of creative ideas. Plus, I have no idea how to go about writing a book, so I am just going about it all in a very jumbled way. I'm sure everyone has their own way anyways. One day, I will master this. I have a lot of years left (hopefully!) to create a masterpiece. hehe. =)
Work is going really well, and I like it for the most part. I am looking forward to a trip to Europe in the fall, and maybe moving over to the Seattle area around the first of next year. I can solidify those plans later. It has begun to dawn on me however, that I am going to have to have some sort of goal. Right now, it's nice to look forward to going overseas again, but then what?? When I move am I going to do the same things I am doing now? There is nothing wrong with that, but I know me, and I need more purpose to my life. It helps to keep me from getting bored. No matter how much I fight against it, I know myself, and I know where my shortcomings are, and most of the things that I need to be healthy and successful. It's just hard to maintain hold of them!!! Grrrr! Could I not have been born a simpler person??
Okay, I am not sorry being me, and I take the good with the bad, but it's still frustrating!!!!! =P

The Bell Jar/The Giver/On the Street Where You Live

I have been a very bad little reader the past couple of months. In fact, I just let one book streeeettch over several weeks. Now I am going to have to play catch up, since Joe is once again kicking my ass.
So anyway, this last week I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Several of my friends loved this book, and I have been meaning to read it for some time. It was actually pretty interesting. It was a much easier read than I thought it was going to be. Also, I didn't know that it was essentially an account of what happened to her earlier in her life. No wonder she stuck her head in an oven. Speaking of which, this has started a couple of interesting conversations at work, and the fact that I was reading the book, even got me a profession of love. Go figure. Who knew Sylvia Plath would have such an impact. =P

I also read a book called The Giver by Lois Lowry. This is classified as a young adult book. Also a book I have been meaning to read. Back when I worked at Barnes & Noble I decided that I was going to read all of the award winners, so that I could be up on my knowledge of books targeted at young people. In any case, the book totally gave me the heebies. haha! Okay, not the severe reaction that I had to reading 1984, but climbing that track. I can see why people think it's a good book. I mean, it really makes one think. These kind of books just really get to me. At the end I am like..."But wait! what happens?!?! I mean, what happens now?!?!" hehe.

I'm getting ready to read a slew of fantasy novels. I haven't read any since KoD came out, and I hadn't read any in awhile before that. I love fantasy...it is my favorite genre. Even so, I am usually pretty skeptical of starting new series. There is so much stuff out there that is just a bad copy of what someone else already did. I usually only read books that have been recommended to me by a friend, and even then I don't always. Despite being skeptical, sometimes I end up being a huge fan, so it's worth it to branch out. This time I am hoarding a Tad Williams series beside my bed, and a Salvatore trilogy. I also want to read the Terry Brooks word novels. That oughta keep me reading for a bit. Before I start those books, however, I am trying to catch up on some other reading. My mom is a huge Mary Higgins Clark fan. She writes mostly murder mysteries. She's not my favorite, but I usually enjoy her books. I just finished one this week. Right now I am reading a Dean Koontz book. the last book of his that I read was Intensity. Appropriate name. I was on the edge of my seat the ENTIRE time. It was crazy. That was several years ago, so I decided it was time to give him another read. This time I am reading Velocity.
In a week or so I will be all fantasy all the time. haha. Tad Williams books are always insanely huge. I don't want to dedicate a week to one until I have gotten a couple of others in my stack out of the way. =P No need to put myself any further behind than I already am. =)