My sad, addictive relationship.

So...you see these people in these horrible situations with a friend or loved one and you think; "that could never be me." Well, at least you HOPE it could never be you.
Somehow though, I have had a revelation. I have been in a terrible relationship for the past 30 years. That's right, 30 years (...or damn close!).

What happens is this; I get my hopes up. It's simple really.
It started out innocently. I was too young to know what was happening in the beginning. Once I started going to school, my friend was there, every September, with the false promise of a new day. Everything seemed fresh with potential. Usually, that was not to be. At first we would be fine. We would get along as friends do. We would hang out together on the weekends and an occassional weekday evening. It could be fun. There would be jumping and shouting and general revelry. We would also go through hard times together...a bad tumble, a twisted ankle, unkind words from those who misunderstood us.
Through it all, I was a good friend.
I was a faithful friend.
I defended their name against those who would trample on it.
I was there for them.

I have come to realize that our relationship has been more ugly than nice. Every year I have hope that things will change. There have even been moments when this seemed to be the case. Years where my friend was seemingly transformed, where they failed to dissappoint or let me down. A couple of years ago I even thought we were golden. Everything seemed to be all better. The years ahead were filled with promise...but that promise has not been fulfilled!

In general, it has been one heartache after another. My heart is constantly being ripped out and handed to me on a platter!! Just when I think I am over it and I don't care anymore, I find myself coming back!! It's like I just can't stop! I tell myself not to give in, but after all these years that is nearly impossible.
Then, tonight, it was almost more than I could bear!
We were set up for a VERY promising evening. Things were looking good. Even the naysayers were confident we could work things out.
Then, it happened...

Stutz, the new guy, fumbled the snap.

There was no coming back after the touchdown that resulted from that little piece of football idiocy.
How does a team that can be as great as ours can, lose to a team that has NOT WON A GAME ALL SEASON?!?!?!?!
Okay, in all honesty, the game is not over yet.
In fact, we still have the entire 4th quarter to pull this game out of our ass.
Even so, it's 28 to 10.
It's been a painful display so far, and I was already reeling with the shame of last weeks loss.
Once again, things are taking a turn for the worst.

That' right folks, I am a Seahawks fan.

Born and bred in Washington state, how could I be otherwise?
It's no wonder my life can be so dreary.
Perhaps I have absorbed the curse of my team??
I mean, hell, the one year we go to the Superbowl, noone even takes us seriously, and then the Ref's completely screw us anyway.
Rawr.

If it weren't for Brett Favre and his rookie Packers to brighten my day, I would be in the middle of my third pint of Cider and getting ready to shave my head.
*sigh*

Ahhh....football season. How I both love (and later loathe) your appearance every fall.

Oh Humanity. Sometimes I loathe You.

I'm bored.
Okay, so I worked early this morning and drank waaaay too many shots of espresso. It made things a little bit more entertaining though. Unfortunately since I worked early, I also got off early. Which means of course, that I had a whole lot of today left to find something to do. There just wasn't really anything to do.
I am attempting to hide in my house so that I don't have to spend money on anything, including gas, since I can barely even pay my rent.
So, sometime early this afternoon I attempted to take a nice long nap. I even dozed off for around 20 minutes, but then something happened to wake me up and I just laid there thinking about things I didn't need to think about.
I should have gotten up right then and sent somebody an email, or made a phone call to someone far away, but did I?? Nope.
I just laid there and kept thinking.
My brain wandered into territories best left unexplored.
It contemplated things that are far from happening.
I got a little frustrated at my lack of patience in certain areas of life.

I also thought about an old friend, who now has six children. Count them S-I-X.
She and I have not spoken for a long time and she has been chasing a herd of rugrats for those years, while I have become more of a hermit and enjoyed my individuality way too much. I was recently presented with her long missing email and I wrote to her, but I wonder if I will even be able to relate anymore. Most of my friends are married and lots have kids...just not that many. lol. I do fine playing with families, it's just a bit out of my sphere. I sometimes feel like a big dumb alien. Like, I don't quite get it. I was held back a grade or five.
:p
Luckily, I do like children, even if I am undecided on having any.

I let my brain wander into the realm of old relationships, which again was best left in that dark, musty corner it inhabits in my memories.
It gets me into trouble when I dig it out. All those dust particles and things make a heck of a mess all over Amanda's tender pshyche...Or however you spell that word.

I've come to realize that I am quite possibly insane.
I am of of those crazy people that show up on television dramas. The ones who have left reality far behind and live in some universe of their own making.
I ponder things in my life that other people have entirely moved on from.
I hope for things that seem completely illogical, and yet I cannot help myself.
Quite possibly it is more appropriate to say that I am just a damn fool.
When all is well I create ways to get my heart broken.
For some reason I just can't get my heart broken in normal up-to-date ways like everyone else. Oh no, I have to get creative. :p

Ahh, who knows.
There is a God, and He randomly created this foolish girl named Amanda. So, maybe in some unexpected divine intervention, I will get what I hope for.
Otherwise I have at least been blessed with tremendous adventures and friends along my way.
I should write a book about that. heh.