Who Says You Can't Go Home

I'm not sure what I'm doing.

I left this blog and went away. I felt like I had whined and complained here enough and it was time to create something new. What's funny is that I have never liked the new blog either. In fact, I felt like I was having a hard time feeling connected, like I couldn't really be transparent. It's hard to write a personal blog very often if you can't be at least moderately transparent. I was mistakenly under the impression that perhaps I hadn't always been transparent while I was writing this blog either, but now if I go back I think; Whoa! There is some personal stuff here.

I decided what it came down to is that I talk too much. The world revolves around me, don'tcha know? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I became incredibly tired of the sound of my own voice. So, I stopped writing in the new blog too. I really felt that the world did NOT need any more blog posts from me. I mean, why would I want to share with other people, posts that irritate ME?! Besides, honestly, it just isn't as fun as it used to be. Nevertheless, something finds me here.

Maybe I have come full circle.
I wanted to leave this blog behind like I was some new person or something. You know, I had a more positive outlook, etc. I don't know. The reality is that I am just the same person in a different stage of life. I can't really explain my logic because to be honest, I don't understand it all either. What I do know is that I have had a lot of downtime this last year or so to figure some things out.

I know this seems like a departure, but recently a lot of stuff about music has been coming up for me. I was pondering trying to get my hands on an acoustic guitar - I started teaching myself a few years ago - just so I could play it at home. A little while after that I was asked to join the worship team at my church. This was seemingly out of the blue. I didn't, for various reasons. I mean, it could still happen, but not at this moment. My friend who leads the worship team is looking for people who can learn. She's trying to train up a group of people who can fill different positions. I have a musical history which is why she thought of me.
I used to love to sing. For awhile - my teenage years and a little while after - it was all I ever planned on doing with my life. That changed. It was something in my life I basically laid down. Now, it keeps coming up. I don't know why, and to be honest even though it's nice it also makes me a little nervous. It's not something I ever really expected to be a large part of my life again and I feel unprepared for it's resurgence.
I'm writing this because it's something...old. In fact, that I know of, there are no entries in this blog (which goes back to 2005) that detail that part of my life.

Singing was something I was incredibly passionate about, and honestly it's hard for me to pick out anything I have been consistently passionate about over the last several years. Well...maybe reading. ;) It has been a huge source of frustration for me to feel passionless. So why am I writing about it here?
I can't explain it.

Last week I had a crazy dream and a friend of mine was in the dream. It was someone I don't talk to very often anymore. It doesn't seem very exciting, but we were just having the most incredible conversation. Our dialog was interrupted, but later it continued. I just remember feeling so good about that conversation, like it was incredibly rich, you know? For some reason that just sticks in my mind.
Tonight while I was just sitting here, pondering everything, I thought of this blog. So I scrolled through it a bit, and I decided I wasn't the horrible, hypocritical, whiny person I thought I was a year ago. I'm just a person who has been going along figuring out life, like everybody else. Then it somehow seemed appropriate to write this down. My old friends, my old interests, they connect somehow. It seemed so cold to write them in a shiny new blog, where I feel like I have only been wishy washy. Love me or hate me, I have at times just been raw in this blog. I have also been obnoxious and shallow, but that is everyone at one point or another. I'm trying to be a better person all the time - it is a process! I wish this blog could accurately capture the best parts of my personality to bless everyone who reads it, but that just isn't reality.

Anyway, here I am again. I don't see myself as a once a week blogger. I think that time is just over. Still, for whatever reason, I sometimes get the urge to toss my thoughts out into cyberspace. Maybe I should do that from this comfy, old spot.