Identity.

Last night I write this fabulous entry, but then I had a computer problem and I lost it. Grrr. So I thought I would rewrite it this morning. Earlier however, I ate some quiche and it has not been agreeing with me. I don't know why I even try to eat quiche, since it usually doesn't agree with me. Will I ever learn?! Anyway, I've been putting this off, but I am going to give it a try now.

My friend has been harassing me to start up a myspace account, so I thought I finally would. Last night I was kind of messing with that. There's a whole group of people who I knew from working with YWAM. Yesterday I was just thinking a little bit about identity, and reading profiles of a couple of my friends and whatnot, just brought some things home.
For example, I sometimes feel like I lead a dual life. I have my little journal, and my couple of friends that I email and I can vent to them...they don't have to deal with me personally, so it is easier for them to be objective.
Of course, some of my friends at home...they know all of my past mistakes, etc. It's a little bit more difficult to explain myself sometimes, without them seeing everything that has gone before, or without my feeling like they do.
You know when you make a decision to to do something different in your life...try to do something good...get out of debt or whatever, and you have already tried and failed at this course before? So now, you already have your own doubt that you have to battle, and now you have to battle the doubt of the people around you as well. I hate that. If the people around me are going to be all...We know what you should do...Here is *our* plan for you. We have the answers...and then show disdain when I decide to try another way.
No. I just can't deal with that. It pisses me off so much. I am an adult and free to make my own mistakes. I am okay with making my own mistakes you know?! If one thing doesn't work, what's wrong with trying another way? I just keep doing the best I can. I keep trying to do what's right. I keep trying to get things straightened out, and if I splat on my face I pick myself up and try try again. As far as I am concerned, that is the best thing I can do.

So anyway, sometimes I get tired of listening to other peoples opinions, and I just go hang out and journal, where noone can give me any crap. Apparently there is something about my personality that screams "please give me your opinion!!" haha.

Well, the point is, I just want to be myself and I am tired of caring so much what other people think about that. So I think I am annoying people with my attitude. heh. It's not that I still won't take advice from my close friends...I mean, of course there are people who can speak into my life no matter what. As far as everyone else goes though...they can think I am a jerk all they want!!! I am done with people pleasing!!! I am just going to be meeee nnooooowwwww!!!!!!!!!
Woo hooo!