Do you like how it sounds like I am saying this to myself?!
I would like to take a brief side trail here to talk about Evanescence. Specifically, their debut album. It came out at a strange period in my life. I was getting ready to move off to L.A.
Okay, obviously that didn't work out so well. I wasn't there so long!! Anyway...I listened to that album a lot during that time, and it still brings back this whole amazing rush of feelings.
Good, but really quite interesting feelings that I have a hard time describing. It connects with getting outside the box. Getting in touch with something inside, and at the same time, escaping one's environment.
Strange, I know, but there it is.
I was listening to my ipod and one of the songs came on and I thought; It's a really great day to hear this song.
So back to me being a respectable grownup type person.
Surely, I am. Yes, yes. I simply must be.
Some days I even feel like I am!!
What is bringing this on you ask? My need to remind myself that this simply must be the truth? Well, to be honest, the answer is quite lame. I am pretty sure I don't even want to share it. =P
Stupid stuff.
Stupid stuff that I have apparently not learned to put aside and care less about.
I am doing pretty good here. Work is pretty good. I am paying my bills. I love the weather. I am a wee bit inspired to take a couple of classes...
In general, I just can't complain.
And yet.. Don't we always find something to be unsatisfied about?
I can distract myself from a lot of things. I am good at dealing with pain. I can put it aside and smile on the surface despite however I feel inside. In fact, I can even feel pretty good on the surface.
Still, sometimes there are things that are lurking down there in my heart. I can't quite get rid of them. They come and go, but when they are here, there is no ignoring that fact. I can put them aside for awhile. I have learned to live with their company. Even so, GGRRR!!! I don't want to have to!! Makes me MAD!
So here is my very, very lame and ugly confession, which will only be given to you bloggers out there in the abyss.
I feel like the crypt keeper. =) My little sister, who recently turned 18, is engaged. She and her Beau have been dating for some time. I am not completely surprised to be honest, and yet, I didn't expect it to come so soon. I would like it much better if he loved Jesus, but he is really good to my sister and makes her happy, so you take what you can get. She deserves some happiness.
The question then occurs to me, however unbidden, do I not?
It's a stupid question. I might as well ask, Does JillB not? Of course she does. We know that she is a charming individual, and the same age as me (although NOT the crypt keeper. hehe).
There is no measuring device for who deserves happiness, and who doesn't. Besides, there are plenty of desperately unhappy married people. That isn't happiness really, it is just something that we want. A nice bonus!
I am okay with that. Okay with being single.
In fact, if I could just set better goals and get the freak on with it, I would be overjoyed.
If I could just put it aside and not freaking think about it!! Grrr!! Not like its ever present, but you know what I mean. It lurks.
That is what makes me angry. It's lurkiness. Ready to pounce on me and tell me how unworthy I am, and how it is something that has passed me by, when instead I should be feeling happiness for those I care about.
Besides, my other siblings and cousins have been popping out babies for the last three years. This should not be shocking.
Stoopid! STTOOOOPPIIIDDD!!! =)
I know these lies are not true, but again with the lurky. If I could just kick Mr. Lurky to the curb, we would be doing great.
Unfortunately, it is there right now, underneath everything else. That feeling that its just not for me. Which, I could deal with, if I just didn't want it so fucking badly. GRRR! I hate not being able to control that. Really, truly hate it.
Well, I just keep on pressing on, because that is what I do. Pain or no pain. I just wish I could stop secretly thinking that He is punishing me, or that this is a secret experiment, to see how much I can take. How many times my heart can nearly beat out of its chest and still stay put!
I can't let myself dwell there.
I have to just pick myself up and go forward, to wherever that is.
It's all good. In the end, I know, its all good.
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