Well, here we go again.

Once again I find myself in this wretched place of self consciousness.
It is something that I never used to struggle with so much.
I think it is a byproduct of some of my experiences, disappointment, and bitterness. It is because I hate it so much that I have decided to post this entry.

Maybe I have blogged this before, but once when I was, I think, a sophomore in high school, I was crying in my room. Who knows why. I was a teenager!!! Something had upset me though and I remember praying (and I was not a big pray-er back then). My prayer was that I would always be sensitive. That even though it hurt me dreadfully, I would never allow myself to become completely calloused and hard hearted.
That was so many years ago.

Since that time I have gone through many evolutions. The kind of evolutions that come with life. Becoming a sincere person of faith rather than one who hung on the fringe, experiencing the loss of a most beloved sister, visiting (for an extended period) the third world for the first time. Relationships, good and sometimes bad, coming into and going out of my life.
My parents divorce.

At times I have felt joyful and full of hope. At times I have felt depressed, sorrowful, abandoned. My faith has sustained me through all of this in some way or another.
Especially in the recent years though, I have started overlooking my blessings, and focusing on my disappointments.
I didn't really mean to do it, it just sort of started happening. I mean, I was hurt! Hurt leads people to close off parts of their heart. It is easier for some of us to keep from doing this. I am not one of those people. Well, okay, sometimes with the help of Jesus I am. Not lately.
Building walls is my preferred defense mechanism.
It always has been. Some people get mad, or sarcastic, I get out the drywall.
However, for many years I had a couple of groups of awesome friends who helped to sustain me through the rough patches. Youth and vitality helped me to bounce back. I learned to forgive.
Even so, there are some relationships, the one with my Mother for instance, in which I built walls when I was very young that I cannot now imagine ever being able to tear down.
We do get along pretty well, but they are there and I am sometimes very aware of them.

Some people seem to have a magic card of Amanda's grace. For whatever reason I can keep forgiving them no matter what they do. I can love them even if they rip out my heart.
Even so, there are areas of my life where resentment has grown, and bitterness has rolled in like a fog, making the truth blurry.

Here is a painful example of my issues.
When I become attracted to someone, I immediately go into denial. At least, inside my head. Whatever my reaction to that guy in person, in my mind there is a barrage of lies. Though I know that many of these lies are just that, believing them comforts me. It makes me think that by listening to them, I will be abe to avoid getting hurt and humiliated.
So right now there is a young man who has drawn my attention. He seems to be from a good family, while mine is a tattered mess.
He seems to be responsible where I lack disipline.
I immediately began berating myself that someone like this could ever be interested in me.
My logical mind concluded that this would keep me from being hopeful and then disappointed.
It doesn't really work. I mean, you can't shield yourself from disappointments, though still I try.
The sad thing is, I don't generally dislike myself. In fact, I think I am interesting, intelligent, loyal, and kind. So then I feel sad and don't understand how I can be unlovable, when in fact, I shut love out.

Last week I was listening to some Mark Driscoll sermon which just kind of reminded me of my real priorities. Getting back to the basics if you will. As I have been trying to do that I have also been trying to find balance.
Attraction is a normal, God given part of us. God created relationships, etc etc. Trying to close yourself off from the disappointment of them is only letting fear run your life, and no longer being open to all of its surpises and beauty.
So yes, it is very possible that this guy will not get to see what a rockstar I am. :p
However, I am forcing myself to go with the flow. It sucks. This is someone I see on a somewhat regular basis. Today was a very ackward and uncomfortable day which I did not appreciate.
Still, I am fighting, every day, that urge to deny. I am forcing myself to live in the ackward moment. Frankly, I hate it.
Such is life.
Good and bad, happy and sorrowful, it has many layers. The bad ones make the good ones that much more enjoyable.

Having said all that, I suppose I am having a mini revival. I am not exactly sure how else to describe it at the moment.
Allowing myself to be open for God to change my heart and do whatever He wants to do. I cannot do it on my own.
It hurts to remove old callouses. It is not an easy process.
I went to a small church the other day, and the girl I was with knew all these people. Ugh. I felt overwhelmed. I did not want to meet them. I wanted to sit in worship and then make my great escape.
I am not as trusting as I once was. Friendships take time and I have a healthy fear of rushing into them.
Isn't it funny how I make it sound as if something HORRIBLE has happened to me?!?!
It hasn't. I mean, I have been wounded, but we all have been. We all are.
This is how I have responded. Over time, it has made me cold and hard. Maybe not with those who know me closely, but even so, it is there. I have been aware of it growing, like a cancer, for quite some time. I don't want to live my life that way.

The Lord and I are having a conversation. It's a long, slow conversation that reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet." Several excerpts actually, but this is the one that always comes to mind.

"When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth."

later he says;
"..let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."

My friend Jeanine used to always say; "run into the pain."

I wouldn't say that I am doing any running. LOL! Still, I am trying to go there, hoping to come out on a somewhat brighter other side.

So that's what is up with me.
Ironically, when I started this post I was thinking about faith.
I will leave you with the song that inspired me.


All I Need (Did Not Catch Her Name) by Caedmon's Call
"I did not catch her name
I did not catch her tears
But they hit me like a train
When her story hit my ears
Mother of eight sons
Father off to war
Got no home address
Just bricks on a dirt floor
And she said, "Jesus is all I need"

Tiny plot of land
Corn stored up in piles
The years it doesn't rain
They just stay hungry for a while
With no fatted calf to kill
She made a feast of cuy and corn, she said
Who else knew my name before
The day that I was born?
Jesus is all I need
Jesus is all I need

And she bragged about her boys
how they're growing into men
how they learned to praise the Lord
Old style Ecuadorian
But to buy the new guitar
We had to sell the swine
See my boys go to school on a foreign angel's dime

This world calls me poor
I bore my babies on this floor
But He always provides
Sure as the sun will rise
So I sing Him songs of praise
'Cause I know He keeps me in His gaze

Rain fell from the sky
We raced back to the van
Tears in the eyes
Of this poor forgetful man
Mother of eight sons
She knows the peace of God
Lord, help me learn to lean on
Thy staff and Thy rod

Jesus is all I need ..."