Tragedy

So I was reading in the news today, the story of this woman who's five month old infant died because it was left in the van all day.
Apparently she thought that she had dropped the child off at daycare, but she had forgotten to do so, and instead it was in her car all day long.
Sorry for calling the baby "it." Frankly it feels callous and horrible, but the news article didn't tell me whether it was a boy or a girl.

So, of course I was appalled when I read this story, and my first reaction was to think "What kind of moron leaves their child in the car all day long without realizing it?"
Now that I have been thinking about it, I have to concede that I have heard some pretty crazy stories from lots of great parents, about having left their kids somewhere, or who knows what.
It has occurred to me, that the real tragedy here, is that our society is so damn busy, and parents have to work so damn hard just to make all the ends meet, that often more important things get neglected.
When you live in a constant state of rush, rush, rush, something like this is bound to happen.
Family values are definitely not the rule of the day anymore.
Even for moms who stay home, friends and playpals often live way across town, and the doctors visits, grocery store runs, and grandma, are usually spread out too. By the time you've reached your last stop, you've spent most of the day running in and out of places with a diaper bag. All I am saying is, parents nerves are already frazzled sometimes. Add to that both parents working full time, and the stress of getting the kids to daycare in the morning without being late....
I don't know.
I know people do it all the time without leaving their infants trapped in the car, all I am saying is, can you really be surprised that it happens?
Maybe I shouldn't be ready to crucify that young mother just yet. Besides, I can't imagine how I'd live with myself if it had been me. She is going to have enough to deal with without my flinging mud at her.

Mars Hill

So recently I decided to look into the churches my friends attend in the Seattle area. Since I am moving over there in the next few months, and I figured that it would take a million years to find a church home, it seemed to make sense to start early.
As anyone might know from reading my blog, I have not been feeling super spiritual lately, and am pretty burnt out from church. I wasn't really expecting to become too interested in anywhere.

The first church I actually checked out online has turned out to also be the last. One of my friends goes to Mars Hill Church in Seattle, and I knew absolutely jack about them so I thought I'd just go read their statement of faith and their doctrine. Not only did I find it solid, and inline with my own, I was also particularly struck by what they said about spiritual gifts. The reason this stands out to me is probably because I come from a charismatic background and there are just way too many christians who are ready to haul you back into the baptismal in their zeal for you to speak in tongues. They just can't seem to let it go, and it becomes this huge issue. Pretty soon you start to doubt yourself; Is something wrong with me? The bible doesn't say anywhere that you have to speak in tongues to be spirit filled, and it's nice to read right upfront in the church doctrine that they acknowledge that and noone there is going to cram it down your throat or try to drown you in annointing oil. =) (Because I wouldn't like that very much!)

So then I discovered that the pastor had a blog and I read a few entries, which I thoroughly enjoyed. After that I discovered that there was a book he had written discussing missiology and the journey of starting the church along with subsequent stages of growth.
Now, lately anything sounding "christianese" has turned me off completely. I wasn't sure if I would get into it right away, but I totally did. It was funny, it was engaging, and it was relevant. In fact, in the beginning I laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face, and then later on when it got a little more serious I was moved almost to tears again, but this time not by humor, by the statement of mission.

Lance and Phil (two old friends and leaders of mine) used to tell us all the time; "Make a mission statement!" I remember that early on I didn't really know how to go about doing that. I was young, and I wasn't sure what exactly my mission was.
Over time I have learned over and over what my mission definitely is not.
My mission is definitely not to hang out in church all the time. My mission is not to attend as many prayer meetings at possible. My mission is not to become perfect and expect other people to live up to my own unreasonable expectations.
I have learned that certain things have become important to me, more than they were before.
1. Being real. We all sin. We all suck. We are all broken and battered and imperfect, and this is the reality of our condition, so why am I trying to act otherwise?
2. Being relevant. Since we ALL share this condition, that means that whatever Jesus has to say to me, He also has to say to everyone else. I may hang out in a church, but everyone else does not, and they still need to be exposed to the truth of what I know. How is that going to happen if me, and people like me, are all stowed away in some dank church basement?
Of course, some would argue that simply being out in the work force somewhere is evangelical enough, but I have worked at jobs where I barely got to know the people I worked with, until our supervisor invited everyone out to have a beer. I went. There was no drunkeness or anything like that. It was just a chill time of me getting to know people in a place where they felt comfortable, which was not our job, and was not my church.
I have never been able to rationalize how that could be wrong, and believe me, I have tried, because that is what I was being told time and time again.
3. You gotta move. This is essentially just an extension of #2. You have to be willing to go to where people are. You can't keep sitting in your pew expecting them to come to you. They won't. They aren't saved!!! Unsaved people don't typically hang out in church. Go figure.

I have never witnessed to someone in church. Maybe you have, I don't know. I have witnessed to people that I knew from work that I was hanging out with after hours. I have witnessed to people I had in college classes who I was spending time with studying and whatnot....In other words, people that I spent time with, and not just because I had to.
I learned through church that I don't find life without these opportunities. I don't see people as numbers. I make friends with them, and then I see them as friends who I break my heart over. Sharing the gospel comes out of this. Loving God, and knowing and loving people.
So I want to make friends and hang out with them. At their house where they have a lot of pornos, or at the bar, or wandering around in the park at night. (Of course, my desire to do this kind of freaked out some of my previous leadership. It didn't go over so well. Especially the bar part. Bars are evil and should be avoided at all costs.)

That was a long ramble (as usual) to say that the mission of this church is to reach people. Not to play church. Not to have Bible studies only for ourselves (although those are nice too) Not to sugar coat every sermon because we are too tender to deal with reality (Which is still bombarding us through media everyday). To be real. To be raw. To be relevant.
Lots of churches say they want to be, but they keep doing the same old musty traditions days after day. They just keep talking, and the church just keeps dying. Sometimes you have to be willing to shake things up a bit, and that is the kind of christian I want to be.

I wasn't expecting this to happen at all, but I have been moved despite myself. I feel like somebody is saying what I have been feeling all this time. I feel....empowered by it, and convicted by it. Today I listened to a whole podcast sermon about Idolatry, and I wasn't at all turned off by any of it. I was convicted. It hit me where I live. That is what I want.
I don't want to be bored in church. I want my gut to wrench. I don't want to take a nap. I want to be challenged.

As usual I could go on and on, but instead let me end by saying that I am pretty excited about this church, although it is all sudden and amazes me. I guess you just never know what might be waiting around the bend. For me it might just be that home in Seattle after all.

Fun, Food, Friends

If I never eat out again, I think I could die happy. haha. Alright, I am kidding, but seriously, I have eaten out so many times in the last five days. In fact, I thought it was over until a really good friend of mine called me this morning to see if she could take me out for a late birthday lunch. I dearly love to spend time with her and we had fun, but we ate chinese food and now I feel like a big lump of dough. haha!
This weekend was a blast. I went to dinner with a bunch of friends, followed by games and merriment. It was great. After all of that excitement I spent a pretty chill weekend at Lance & Jeni's who spoil me far more than I deserve. It was nice though. Nice to have a couple of days off and relax with people you love.

My flight home was delayed on Sunday night, and I ended up not getting home until midnight. The problem was that I had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work. Ugh. It was pretty brutal but somehow I survived.
My schedule has been whacked out of shape a little though. I feel drowsy and I haven't been able to shake it. Coffee hasn't quite cleared the cobwebs yet. I'm hoping that I will snap out of it.

In any case, it was great to see everyone, I had a lot of fun, and I hope I can get back over there to do something like that again. Woo hoo!

RAWR!!!!!!!!!!

*Sigh*
I knew that this kind of thing would eventually happen, but for some reason I felt like it would be a little further into the future. I guess you can never know.

Life happens in seasons. For the most part I am a fairly social being. High school for me was a mostly social experience. I got involved in the first church I went to after graduation because my friend dragged me there. I did eventually "stick" in a church because of a little more than relationship, but let's face it, it is a largely motivating factor.
For a season now though, I haven't been doing the mega social thing. I have gotten a lot more introverted over the years. Not always, but I definitely enjoy my personal time in a way that I never used to.
Lately I spend a pretty decent amount of time on my own. I like it this way. After leaving my church I felt like I needed a time of just remembering who I was apart from all of that. Outside of leadership and whatnot.
Eventually, I will feel the pull to be back in church. God will nudge me and I will go. I will want to go.
Eventually I will feel the need to be more social and to leave my comfort zone more often, and to have more stimulating conversations.
Well, the latter, at least, is happening.
I was so frustrated today and at first I just didn't get why, until I realized that I am completely bored. Not bored as in, there is nothing to do exactly. I mean, there is always something to do. In fact, I could clean my mom's house. She would love that. hehe.
What I mean is, that I have read lots of books this year, and I have filled my brain up with things, but its not the same as actually communicating with other people.

Currently, almost all of the people that I talk to on any sort of regular basis, are in the Seattle area, Texas, or Minnesota. And God bless all of you, because you are great, and I value those communications. I believe however, that I am starting to go through actual people withdrawal.
Email conversations are great. They definitely have their place. Good thing too, or I would never hear from Shawn, Joe, Trish, or Karla. I never would have even started talking to Ryan or Nickie. Lisa, Becky and Mel I at least talk to on the phone, (and I don't even love talking on the phone) but you know...
I just want friends that I get to see in person.

Wouldn't it be nice if my nerdy friends were busting down my door over who gets to go with me to see X-Men this weekend? lol. I mean, I will probably go with Brad and Jeanine, who ARE the coolest people in the known world but still, I think you get my meaning.

I have been so content, and now it is getting all wrecked, and making me want to move sooner so that I can go to dinner with Jeni once in awhile, and reconnect with Becky & Kari, and see Mel and....Grr. I think you get the picture.
I am going to Europe in the fall though, and this is important for more than getting to see the Green shores of Ireland. I miss Shawn dreadfully. I haven't seen her in almost nine years. I miss Karla too. I want to take the opportunity to see them while I can, plus I want to get out of debt, plus I need to save money for the move. I need a little time ya know?! =P So I can't move sooner and I just need to deal with it!!!!!!!!!!! So again with the RAWR!!

Such is life.

Hot Dogs and Pine Trees

Last night I had a lot on my mind. It was stressing me out a little, and that annoyed me, so I decided to go for a drive and take my mind off of it...or something. =) I used to go for drives all the time. It was my way of getting away, having quiet time to think, or sometimes just because I enjoyed it.
So last night I drove up to the lodge at Mnt. Spokane. It's really not that far from home. I just drove up and drove back down. It was raining a little bit on the mountain, and it smelled so good up there. Sooo good. I love the smell of pine, and everything smells good right after it rains. Plus, I could smell wood smoke, and it reminded me of camping. I love camping.
I love sitting around the campfire until too late at night, and then getting up too early in the morning because the birds and chirping, the bugs are buzzing, and some fool morning person is making coffee, which you can smell; and finally you just can't take it anymore, and you have to get up!! Ha ha ha!!!!

I am turning 30 this year, and one of my best friends, Jeanine, who is like my surrogate big sister, is turning 40. So we decided that to celebrate, we are going to go camping this summer.
I like to catch my marshmallows on fire...and everyone that does that knows exactly what I mean. =) In fact, I like to blacken hot dogs as well. Maybe I'm just a pyromaniac?? =P

I've been blogging kind of a lot lately. Lots of random things. I decided to enjoy it while I can, because sometimes I just stop for no reason, and that makes me crazy. I mean, I can discipline myself to do it, but I consider it more of an enjoyment than a discipline. I do discipline myself more to write in my handwritten journal, but the blog I usually only update when I feel inspired to do so, which sometimes is a lot, and other times is not so often. Of course, when I go back and there is an entire month where I haven't written a blog at all I just Grrr and shake my head in frustration. =P
I think part of the reason I have been blogging more is because of my work schedule. I am pretty close to loving it, which I NEVER thought I would say about such an early morning shift. However, I get home pretty early in the day, and usually either noone is home, or at least the house is pretty quiet. So, I like to sit down and check my email, talk to people online, write my blog or whatever. I have quiet time to think a little. It's fabulous. It even pays for having to try to go to bed so early, which I don't always do actually. Naps are the wellspring of my life. =) It's all good though.

Stephanie Doell

As I was writing my last post, I was reminded of these awesome late night chats I used to have online with Steph. We would always end up talking about something that I didn't have any answers for. I got so much out of those talks. I grew so much through them. I miss them. I felt myself being stretched all the time, and I love that honesty that always existed in our friendship.
Don't know if she'll read this, since I don't catch her often anymore, but I know she's out there somewhere.
God always used those talks to show me stuff, and to bring things out of me that I didn't know were in there. Plus, Steph is just so funny, and such a sweet fabulous friend.
Bless you girl, wherever you are.
I miss you!

Hope.

Hebrews 12:1- Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I got an email today from a girl I met in Montana when I was working with Youth With A Mission. Six months ago, while working in Thailand, she was in a motorcycle/bus accident. She ended up under the bus. Luckily she was spared what could have been fatal injuries. She did, however, shatter the bones in one of her feet and has just started walking for the first time since. I am always so impressed by her attitude. It is so good.
So anyway, she sent out this long email and in it she quoted these couple of scriptures.
This really has nothing to do with her accident, but I just wanted to say God bless her for keeping such high spirits.

The scriptures that she quoted moved something in me. I have to say, that this was for the first time in a long time.
I belonged to an Inductive Bible study for about three years, and at least half of that time I was *officially* part of the leadership team. It was a great Bible study. I had really wanted to learn it, and I really enjoyed teaching it. At least, at first.
Without pointing any fingers, or bringing anyone else into my feelings, let me just say that I felt more and more trapped all the time. The best way I can explain it is to say that I felt like I was in this box, and there weren't any cracks for air. I was starting to feel suffocated. It's important to say that this had been growing in me for some time, but was solidified during this period of time.

All of us have different personalities, and distinct gifts that we have been given. So, I find myself still trying to determine whether or not I just wasn't in a place where I was flourishing in mine. I had worked in leadership for several years before this time. All I can say for sure is that I learned something very important during this phase of my life. Maybe this is something that should be true for all of us, I tend to think so.
My faith needs feet. I can live inside a nice christian bubble, I can go to church four nights a week, and I can cram in every prayer meeting possible, but to be honest, these aren't the things that build my faith, or burn inside my heart. The things that teach me are numerous and varied.
When I am at work, and there is just that one coworker who is so darn mean to everyone, and I show them the most genuine kindness that I can muster.
When the bills are piling up, and I don't know where all the money is going to come from, but I still pull out that ten percent before anything else, because I have the faith that God always stretches it out.
All the times when I show restraint with my temper, or when I show mercy to someone who really doesn't deserve it, or when I feel like cursing God And instead I just cry out to Him.
Just life. Just living it.
I feel like I was kind of hiding for a long long time, and the people closest to me were helping me do it.
Since I didn't date, I really don't have to deal with the kind of pressure that potentially goes along with that, the temptation or whatever else.
Since I didn't have any non-christian friends, I don't have to decide what I would do if one of them put me in a compromising position, or if one of them asked me a question I couldn't answer about the Bible or Christianity.
Since someone in church was always ready to pick me up, ultimately God didn't always have to, and I stopped relying on Him, and started relying on them.

It's very tempting as leadership, to try and control people. You know, sin scares us. We don't want to fall into it. We don't want to make mistakes. So we try to avoid it, and we try to get the people around us to avoid it. Now, of course there is something biblical in "avoiding temptation," but I am talking about disengaging to a more extreme extent.
The problem is, you can't control people, and if you wield that kind of extreme control, you might as well be waiting for an eventual revolution. Essentially, this is what happened with me. I finally revolted. I couldn't stand it anymore. If God has grace for me, why can't I have grace for me?? Why can't you have grace for me?? In high school, I was the one who wasn't drinking and wasn't doing drugs, and wasn't sleeping around, and I was making wise decisions without someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to have a positive effect on my friends and I didn't have a holier than thou attitude, because I didn't know I was really being very good. haha. I thought I was just one of them!!!
So here I am in my late 20's, and I have all these voices telling me which of my decisions are right and which are wrong, and oh so many are wrong. There are all these voices except for the one important voice, that still soft voice of God that I heard before I ever knew that I was hearing it. Acting on it before I even realized He was whispering in my ear.

People need to experience this for themselves. They need to make mistakes sometimes to experience grace. If we don't allow them the freedom to do that, we are stunting their spiritual growth. It's just like with your kids, there is only so much that you can shelter them from! If you try to keep people that sheltered, they are never going to know how to live in the real world, and this was me. I *forgot* how to live in the real world.
I think I am figuring it out again, but to be honest it is a slow and sometimes painful process, and usually scary.
Luckily I have the most solid and down to earth friends spread around out there, that even though I left my bible study, and church for the time being, I was able to just spread my feelers out and connect again with those roots that give me strength in healthy ways.

I don't want anyone to think that I am bashing church, because I am not. What I am going through, and have gone through, anyone could fall into, and many people do, but lots of people also don't. I allowed people to have more authority in my life than what I should have given them. I handed some things over too easily. I let other people become the voice of God for me. Ultimately, I accept responsibility for that, although for many reasons I still needed to separate myself from the atmosphere I was in. Sometimes a change will do you good ( As Sheryl Crowe so readily advises. hehe).

I've felt pretty numb in a lot of ways. A little bitter. A lot dissapointed. I know that some of the things I am going through are very needed, but that doesn't make them fun, and it sure doesn't make me feel very spiritual. I am not in the best place with God that I have ever been, but I am trying to let healing happen naturally without trying to force the process.
So today when I read that scripture and this tiny bead of inspiration jumped into my heart, I was so blessed. I felt...relieved. Like, maybe there's still hope in there after all. Maybe my heart is not so hard after all.
I am really glad about that, because the only thing I ever wanted was to know Him, and to walk closely with Him all the days of my life.

Romans 8:37-39- But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Water Wonderland

So this evening I was watching my nephew take his first dip in the backyard kiddie pool. It's in the lower 90's outside, but that pool was just filled and you know that water is an icy 38 degrees. hehe. He just jumped in without even a shiver!!!
The sprinkler was going, and the sun was shining, and I was reminded of those childhood days gone by, when we would laugh and run through the sprinkler, splash the kiddie pool water on each other, squirt someone with the hose. Possibly, someone would even bring out the slip and slide.
These neighbors of ours had these things called water weenies. I never saw them anywhere else, but they were HOURS of entertainment for the kids in my neighborhood!!!
Oh, and who can forget good old water balloons!!!

My favorite water memory is from grade school. Third grade I think, when I still went to Shiloh Hills. On the last day of school, they would do these games out on the playground and in the grass and whatnot. So in one of the games you would have this team of like...eight people or something. You would all stand in this single file line, with a huge tub of water at the front, and a small empty bucket at the back. the first person in line held a coffee can with tons of little holes in the bottom. So, the goal was to fill the coffee can with water from the tub, and pass it over everyones heads, dumping whatever was left into the bucket at the rear of the line. First team to fill that bucket wins. Everyone gets wet. Everyone is screaming and passing that can as fast as possible. It was third grade bliss.

It's hard to even imagine a time when life was so good. Not that life is all that bad right now, but you know what I mean. Now there is work, and bills, and all the responsibilities that come with being an adult....which I have tried desperately to avoid but its just not working!!! haha!

Summer sunshine can be such fun!

Mother India

"Father God, you have shed your tears for mother India
They have fallen to water, ancient seas...
that will grow, into hands that touch the untouchable....
How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak.
Father forgive me for I have not believed
like mother India I've groaned and grieved.
Father forgive me, I forgot your grace.
Your spirit falls on India... capture me in your embrace."

Early last spring my friend Maribeth made me listen to this Caedmons Call cd called "Share the Well." I like the band anyway, so I didn't need to be talked into it. It's compiled of a bunch of songs that they wrote while traveling to India, Brazil, and Ecuador. They wanted to include a lot of the traditional music from those places. It is a fabulous cd, and these lyrics are from a song called ...can you guess it? Mother India. I cried the first five times I heard this song. Not just because it's a good song, but because it really touched my heart. It brought back a lot of memories from my time in India, and the people that we met there.
I really think that there were people on our team who were much more involved than I was. The residual impact for me personally though...well, it was tremendous.
So the other day I was working at this little coffee kiosk I do about once or twice a week. We weren't busy at all. I was just kind of kicking back. This Indian family came up and ordered a bunch of coffees and planted themselves at the tables we have out. There were there for awhile, so when I had a chance I went over and asked them where they were from. We had a great chat. It was so cool! They were from Hyderabad, and I know where that is. They were all excited to hear that I had spent three months in their country. We talked about the differences in culture. One of the things that stood out to the mother, at least, was how far spaced out we are. She said, in India if you are sick or something, your neighbors are there helping, cooking the food an whatever. Here, you are hiding in your house, and your neighbors are behind their door and they are not coming out.
It was so interesting to talk to them! The father's accent was *much* harder to understand than the mothers was. Apparently their son lives in Pullman, Washington where he went to school, and then moved. They were taking a little road trip before going home.

After they left I just felt the tears well up in my eyes as these memories and feelings rushed over me. The impact my DTS had on me, its hard to put into words.
I had this moment where I just felt like...."Wow, I need to go back." =P
Not back to India neccesarily, although I would be okay with that now (I wouldn't have been at first), but anywhere. To YWAM.

Maybe you'll laugh, but I had this thought that maybe if I married a non-YWAMer, I could do another DTS. lol. I mean, he would never have done one right? So we could do one together. It would be fantastic. =p
I was thinking...how differently would I see things now than I did when I was 22??
To be honest, I am trying to remember who that girl was who first went to YWAM, and I wish that I could get in touch with that kind of fresh faith that I had back then. Seasoned faith is good too, but occassionally we need to have a little refreshing. I could sure use some, let me tell you.

So, thats my schpiel. After that family left I called Shawn up frantically and told her what had transpired. She was on my outreach team, and has worked overseas most of the time since. If anyone would understand my enthusiasm, it would be her. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since, and about where my life has gone.
I think about that fairly often these days I guess. Maybe its the impending 30th birthday that causes this phenomenon. =)
*shrug*

"...theres a land, where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags, for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
and the doors of the King are thrown wide..."

Tired! Tiiiiiiiired!

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I had to get up at FOUR this morning. Ugh. usually I hate getting up, but very quickly after I am, I snap into a fairly cheerful, though subdued morning mood. Today, fifteen minutes after getting up I was still like...."Oh God. I can't do this today." I did do it though, and work was even good, until I started to go quickly downhill around noon. I survived the last hour and a half of my shift though. Yay for me!
I tried to take a nap when I got home, but that didn't last long before I had to pick up my nephew from daycare, and he is in my charge until my mom gets home from work at 6:30. Believe me when I say that I am going to get about ten hours of sleep tonight. Nice!

I've been so busy lately, I haven't really spent much time online. Sometimes this blog is like an afterthought. Oh yeah!!!! I do have one of those blog things!!!
I like to have it, actually, although I am still a little grieved over the fact that I never backed up my d-x entries, and they were all lost to the four winds. Four years of entries. Ugh. I've never written here as much as I used to do there. Maybe I'll do more eventually. Once the sting wears off.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Anyone know that song? We sang it in jazz choir when I was in high school, but you can actually hear it on the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack.
"In the wee small hours of the morning..when the whole wide world is fast asleep...you lie awake and think about the boy, and never ever think of counting sheep..."
Whenever I have to continuously get up early, I think about that song, even though it's a love song, and not a get up early song. heh.

So, I am on an early morning shift, the like of which I thought I would probably never do again. In fact, this is probably the earliest I have ever worked, besides the two weeks in the summer where I helped Melanie, and Uncle Dave dig post holes at Mary's ranch. So far, I haven't had to actually be at work before 5a.m., but since I live across town, that means that I am getting up by 4. My shift varies, so, some mornings I get to sleep in until 5:30 or 5:45. Nice. How funny is it when 5:30 a.m. is sleeping in?!
I almost never get enough sleep. I survive because of naps. Last night I think I slept maybe four and a half hours, so today when I got home around 2:00 I was ready to pass out.
I'm so used to it now though, after only three weeks or so, that seeing myself scheduled for a 10a.m. to 6 shift makes me cringe. Mornings go by faster, because we are usually busy. I get out of there at a decent hour of the day. I am quickly getting set in my ways. Getting a random mid shift here and there throws me all out of whack. I have one on Tuesday that I am not excited about.

My job is not brain surgery. I could do something that required a lot more intelligence. People are always telling me that I am really smart. (Why? I have no idea) So, when I am constantly doing these flaky things it drives me insane. I am still kind of the new person, and I know that I should cut myself some slack, but I swear some days they must think that I am the biggest moron. Grrr.

In other news....
I turn thirty a month from today. I've actually been looking forward to thirty, but as it draws nearer it is bringing with it introspection mode. For one thing, I am fairly content at the moment, to be single. I am not freaking out to be thirty and still single. I've actually enjoyed a freedom that not all of my friends have had, being married in their early 20's. The older I get, a few things are being driven home. Like, the fact that the person I am in my head is not always the person I am on the outside. I wonder if I show people who I really am, or something else. I do go through those phases where I really want to get married, and I am pretty sure that's fairly normal, but I try to hide those feelings, push them back into the dark recesses of my brain & heart. It's really a little less about what people think, and a little more about detesting dissapointment. =P I've been staying at my mom's and I am getting some bills paid and whatnot, and being here allows me to do that and also to save money for going back overseas, which I am bound to do. I've been planning on moving the first of the year as well, so that's plenty to save for.

Joe and I once had this argument when I said that I wanted to marry someone who had been involved in YWAM. I mean, that is narrowing the field a lot, and its not really fair, which I can now conceed. Actually, I am trying to remember if I really said it had to be that way, or just that I would prefer it. I think the latter, but in any case, it doesn't matter anymore. I love to travel, and it would be nice to meet someone who shares that passion, but as long as they are morally sound and compatible, it doesn't matter if that means YWAM or not. I have standards, but a lot of my ideas about certain things have completely changed in the past couple of years.
So...anyway....this stuff has just been coming up in my head the past couple of days. Crazy. It's good though, I guess, to sit and reevaluate your life at regular intervals. If I had done it seriously more often, then maybe I would have been on the road to well adjusted sooner. I felt trapped for a long time, and I didn't know which way to move in. Sometimes you just need to pick a direction and go, no matter what.

Voltaire

So I decided to start reading Candide and Zadig. It's on my lifetime reading list, and I had it just sitting there, so what the hell! I have *a lot* of books to read this week and next. So far, it is actually pretty entertaining. I really didn't know what to expect, but I thought it would be dry at the very least.

The Dean Koontz book was alright, but not as good as the other book of his that I read.

I've been making more notes lately for something that I want to write. I am desperate to write actual books one day. I really very much want to do this. It's not the writing itself that is the problem either. I can sit and write for hours and hours. I am a little afraid though, that as far as fiction, I will run out of creative ideas. Plus, I have no idea how to go about writing a book, so I am just going about it all in a very jumbled way. I'm sure everyone has their own way anyways. One day, I will master this. I have a lot of years left (hopefully!) to create a masterpiece. hehe. =)
Work is going really well, and I like it for the most part. I am looking forward to a trip to Europe in the fall, and maybe moving over to the Seattle area around the first of next year. I can solidify those plans later. It has begun to dawn on me however, that I am going to have to have some sort of goal. Right now, it's nice to look forward to going overseas again, but then what?? When I move am I going to do the same things I am doing now? There is nothing wrong with that, but I know me, and I need more purpose to my life. It helps to keep me from getting bored. No matter how much I fight against it, I know myself, and I know where my shortcomings are, and most of the things that I need to be healthy and successful. It's just hard to maintain hold of them!!! Grrrr! Could I not have been born a simpler person??
Okay, I am not sorry being me, and I take the good with the bad, but it's still frustrating!!!!! =P

The Bell Jar/The Giver/On the Street Where You Live

I have been a very bad little reader the past couple of months. In fact, I just let one book streeeettch over several weeks. Now I am going to have to play catch up, since Joe is once again kicking my ass.
So anyway, this last week I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Several of my friends loved this book, and I have been meaning to read it for some time. It was actually pretty interesting. It was a much easier read than I thought it was going to be. Also, I didn't know that it was essentially an account of what happened to her earlier in her life. No wonder she stuck her head in an oven. Speaking of which, this has started a couple of interesting conversations at work, and the fact that I was reading the book, even got me a profession of love. Go figure. Who knew Sylvia Plath would have such an impact. =P

I also read a book called The Giver by Lois Lowry. This is classified as a young adult book. Also a book I have been meaning to read. Back when I worked at Barnes & Noble I decided that I was going to read all of the award winners, so that I could be up on my knowledge of books targeted at young people. In any case, the book totally gave me the heebies. haha! Okay, not the severe reaction that I had to reading 1984, but climbing that track. I can see why people think it's a good book. I mean, it really makes one think. These kind of books just really get to me. At the end I am like..."But wait! what happens?!?! I mean, what happens now?!?!" hehe.

I'm getting ready to read a slew of fantasy novels. I haven't read any since KoD came out, and I hadn't read any in awhile before that. I love fantasy...it is my favorite genre. Even so, I am usually pretty skeptical of starting new series. There is so much stuff out there that is just a bad copy of what someone else already did. I usually only read books that have been recommended to me by a friend, and even then I don't always. Despite being skeptical, sometimes I end up being a huge fan, so it's worth it to branch out. This time I am hoarding a Tad Williams series beside my bed, and a Salvatore trilogy. I also want to read the Terry Brooks word novels. That oughta keep me reading for a bit. Before I start those books, however, I am trying to catch up on some other reading. My mom is a huge Mary Higgins Clark fan. She writes mostly murder mysteries. She's not my favorite, but I usually enjoy her books. I just finished one this week. Right now I am reading a Dean Koontz book. the last book of his that I read was Intensity. Appropriate name. I was on the edge of my seat the ENTIRE time. It was crazy. That was several years ago, so I decided it was time to give him another read. This time I am reading Velocity.
In a week or so I will be all fantasy all the time. haha. Tad Williams books are always insanely huge. I don't want to dedicate a week to one until I have gotten a couple of others in my stack out of the way. =P No need to put myself any further behind than I already am. =)

Robert Jordan

I can't believe that Robert Jordan is sick. I guess I have been out of the loop lately. Then again, none of my friends told me about it either. If I wouldn't have checked out his blog today, I still would not have known. I thought that since he was writing a lot, he wouldn't be posting much, so I haven't checked in lately. Plus, I've just been busy.
http://www.locusmag.com/2006/Features/03JordanLetter.html
Kudos to Jordan for having such a brave attitude.
My friend Alecia and I used to joke around...kind of. We would be like; "What happens if Robert Jordan gets ill or something? What if he dies?" We used to laugh and screech and tell ourselves that we would have to make up our own endings to The Wheel of Time, but that didn't really satisfy us. Of course, now it is no joking matter. I can't imagine facing an illness of that sort. I've had close friends go through similar things, and I think they are way stronger than I am. I guess you never know until you are put in that situation. Commenting now on the next book, or whatever, seems mean hearted considering what he has to go through physically, and his books shouldn't be the thing on my mind.
The truth is though, he is a great author, and I really enjoy his work. So does he it seems! So I find it hard to separate one from the other. He is, the author, and always will be, and his sickness affects the body, but it also affects the work. So, forgive me if I care about both. I can't seem to help myself. I feel compassionate, and thoughtful towards the person, and I feel anxious about the work. All of this rolls up together in my mind. I would be lying to say otherwise. In any case, many many prayers and good wishes go out to Robert Jordan, his wife, Harriet, and the family. Here's cheering for a miraculous recovery.

Oatmeal and Chocolate Chips

I can't believe that I haven't written a blog in over a month. I hate that. Myspace does not count. I keep thinking, man, I need to post, but then I don't. I am making this resolution to get back in the game. hehe.

So...oatmeal. My sister bought these Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips in them, and I have a serious weakness for cookies with oatmeal in them. Unless there is also raisins, of course. I hate raisins. I am actually on a pretty great diet, getting all my veggies and that good stuff. Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, not so big on my diet. I have tried to keep myself away from the cookies to no avail. I tell myself that since I am so good the rest of the time, it's okay to eat them...even though I am not sure that's what I really think. =P

In other news, I just read Hugh Laurie's book "The Gun Seller," and I really enjoyed it. It was different from most of the books I've read lately, which was nice, but better than that, it was genuinely funny. I shouldn't be surprised that Hugh Laurie would write something that funny, but I really didn't know what to expect. I would reccommend this book though, even to you critic Joe. ;)

LAW & ORDER SVU:
So, my little sister and I watch a lot of this show. Our whole family have always been big Law & Order buffs. This isn't a show, however, where I watch the new episodes religiously (like House). It's more like, something I watch reruns of on USA. You know, the marathon weekends, or late at night when I am laying in bed, but still wide awake. It's a great show though, and I do sometimes catch it on Tuesdays.
So last Tuesday after House, I tuned in...AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS!!! I mean, what does Olivia mean she wants a new partner?!?!? Scandalous. I know Mariska Hargitay is taking some maternity leave, but I can't imagine an SVU world without Olivia and Elliot as partners. I think that's one of the first episodes of that show where I have actually screamed at the tv (as if its going to fix things for me). I had to comment on this. No good reason really, except that I like this show, and it was a crazy crazy episode.

I tried to get Joe & Sandy to watch House, but apparently Joe doesn't like tv shows where people get needles poked in their eyeballs, their spines, or wherever else. I told him it wasn't too bad, but I don't think he believes me. hehe.

It's my turn to wash the dishes, and I have been putting it off, so I guess I should stop that and just get it over with. Ta ta for now.

Late night chats with Mel.

I meant to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I swear I did. In fact, at 11:45 I was getting ready to go to bed, but then I did a quick email check and wouldn't you know it, Melanie was online! Melanie usually goes to bed around 9:30, so that was amazing. Of course I had to talk to her and she was doing the late night chat thing. So I stayed around long enough to have a silly conversation with her. That's what mel and I do. We have silly conversations. What can I say? We find ourselves and each other amusing!! She related to me how a friend of hers on myspace had a picture with himself sitting at a table with a cup of coffee, and in the chair opposite him was a vacuum sitting in a chair. Tha caption read; "A conversation with one of my intimate friends.." or something like that. I got a chuckle out of it anyway. So, right, I was tired. I didn't want to abandon Mel though, and since she just moved away and I can't just drive over any old afternoon to see her, I thought I better take all the opportunities I can!

In any case, I had a cup of tea to boost my alertness, and now I am having a second wind. I completely spaced the Academy Awards last night, which I sort of wanted to watch, minus any political crap spewed by Jon Stewart. So I had to look them up online and find out who won. I am glad for Reese Witherspoon. I totally thought that Felicity Huffman was going to win, so I was pleasantly surprised by that. I am also glad that Crash won best picture. Woot!
Now that I am completely awake, and pathetic, I decided to browse the Joss Whedon site that I frequent, and now I am downloading the video of Hugh Laurie from the Golden Globes. I know I really need to get a life. Actually, I am supposed to go somewhere with a friend in the late morning and I will probably be a little bit sleepy when it comes to that. Oh well. Such is my life. :p This thing is taking forever to download, mostly because my computer has serious issues at the moment, but I love Hugh so I have to watch it. *shrug* That's just me. Maybe in the meantime I should kill some more braincells at Myspace. hehe.

House

Well, I haven't written in awhile and it's sort of been bugging me. Last week I was really sick and not on the computer at all. In fact, I didn't do much of anything except lie around and be sick. This week I've just been doing other things but I keep thinking..Man, I need to update. Not that there's really much to report anyway.
This weekend I am going to Seattle area with some friends who are moving. They needed somebody to drive over one of their vehicles. I am excited and not. It will be a nice drive, and good to hang out with my friend who, after all, will be living on the other side of the state. Even so, I know we are going to spend most of the weekend (and Mon/Tues) hanging out with their family, and other friends, and I am a little concerned about the amount of enthusiasm. I just don't have much, and having to deal with people who ooze with all things positive is sometimes a drain on me. Does that sound terrible? Well, you know how some people just have no troubles in life, and are constantly peppy and if you aren't then they want to preach at you the good news, and how life is oh so fabulous?! Man, that drives me so crazy. I hope I am never that person. lol. I just want to be normal and chill ya know?
So that's that.
In other non-important news...I am completely addicted to the t.v. show House. I absolutely love Hugh Laurie. Something about those british men??.... Anyway, I have always liked the show, but it has become my absolute favorite. It is interesting and intelligently written. Plus, The sarcastic Dr. House just cracks me up, makes me feel compassionate, and causes me to cringe all at the same time with some of the things he says. Fabulous team of lackeys. Great female supervisor. It's just a damn good show. =) I needed to share that!
Completely unrelated, and yet, strangely similar is that I also really like Simon Cowell..(is that how his name is spelled? brain freeze.) Yeah, sometimes he totally crosses the line, but underneath I think he is just very genuine. I just love the guy. It's weird...what can I say? =)

Well, with that little bit of information I think I am going to retire. I am wide awake and have nothing better to do, so I am thinking about whipping out some Buffy episodes. Nighty night.

Identity.

Last night I write this fabulous entry, but then I had a computer problem and I lost it. Grrr. So I thought I would rewrite it this morning. Earlier however, I ate some quiche and it has not been agreeing with me. I don't know why I even try to eat quiche, since it usually doesn't agree with me. Will I ever learn?! Anyway, I've been putting this off, but I am going to give it a try now.

My friend has been harassing me to start up a myspace account, so I thought I finally would. Last night I was kind of messing with that. There's a whole group of people who I knew from working with YWAM. Yesterday I was just thinking a little bit about identity, and reading profiles of a couple of my friends and whatnot, just brought some things home.
For example, I sometimes feel like I lead a dual life. I have my little journal, and my couple of friends that I email and I can vent to them...they don't have to deal with me personally, so it is easier for them to be objective.
Of course, some of my friends at home...they know all of my past mistakes, etc. It's a little bit more difficult to explain myself sometimes, without them seeing everything that has gone before, or without my feeling like they do.
You know when you make a decision to to do something different in your life...try to do something good...get out of debt or whatever, and you have already tried and failed at this course before? So now, you already have your own doubt that you have to battle, and now you have to battle the doubt of the people around you as well. I hate that. If the people around me are going to be all...We know what you should do...Here is *our* plan for you. We have the answers...and then show disdain when I decide to try another way.
No. I just can't deal with that. It pisses me off so much. I am an adult and free to make my own mistakes. I am okay with making my own mistakes you know?! If one thing doesn't work, what's wrong with trying another way? I just keep doing the best I can. I keep trying to do what's right. I keep trying to get things straightened out, and if I splat on my face I pick myself up and try try again. As far as I am concerned, that is the best thing I can do.

So anyway, sometimes I get tired of listening to other peoples opinions, and I just go hang out and journal, where noone can give me any crap. Apparently there is something about my personality that screams "please give me your opinion!!" haha.

Well, the point is, I just want to be myself and I am tired of caring so much what other people think about that. So I think I am annoying people with my attitude. heh. It's not that I still won't take advice from my close friends...I mean, of course there are people who can speak into my life no matter what. As far as everyone else goes though...they can think I am a jerk all they want!!! I am done with people pleasing!!! I am just going to be meeee nnooooowwwww!!!!!!!!!
Woo hooo!

VOMIT!!

I have some weird thing with my throat that makes me cough or clear my throat sometimes. I don't know what it is. So far undetermined. In the past however, it was really bad. I was constantly clearing my throat and coughing. Because of said issue, my gag reflex works overtime. Guess I will never be a contestant on Fear Factor...not that I want to flaunt my breasts in a string bikini anyway, which we all know is the sick reason for that show...watch girls flop their breasts around in various disgusting situations. mmhhmm.
So anyway, my nephew got sick tonight, and let loose all over the upstairs. I can't even go near them now. This is unfortunate since my room is upstairs and I would now like to go to bed. My mom cleaned up the mess and then proceeded to spray lysol and fabreeze all over everything. All that does is cause me to asphixiate on top of the gagging. If somthing grosses me out I can gag just thinking about it. It's terrible.
I once had this roommate who had the most horrible gas, and that would have been enough, but then she used this wretched smelling talcum powder, and the combination was enough to drop a large rhinocerus dead in its tracks. So sad. the girl down the hall would let me hang with her until the deadly fumes had dissipated. It was worse than you can imagine.
This however, is just pathetic. Poor little buddy is all sick, and I am just trying to stay as far away as possible so I don't add to the situation. *sigh*

Pride and Prejudice

I went and saw the movie again. I admit it, I am hooked. That scene where they have the argument. You know the one. Where Darcy finally confesses his love and Elizabeth tells him he is the last man she could be prevailed upon to marry? I love that scene in the new movie. It's like, he wants to kiss her, but he can't and he is agonizing. It's moving. =) Little sister also loved it but her boyfriend Mark was completely lost...poor guy. =P hehe.

So here is the list of books I have read so far this month:
Pride and Prejudice (Of course! Hadn't read it yet.)
Northanger Abbey (Also Jane Austen)
Wuthering Heights; I told myself that I was going to give this book another chance. I didn't love it. Two thirds of the way through I had to convince myself I could finish it. The writing isn't bad or anything..it's just so dang depressing. There is only so much I can take! I did finish it though and that's all I can say.
Drowning Ruth; I know I mentioned the first couple of these in a previous entry, but I don't think I really gave any details. This book wasn't my favorite, but I did enjoy it. It's basically about these two sisters. One of them dies tragically, and the other ends up raising her sister's
daughter and taking care of her husband who's been wounded in the war. WWI...i think. In any case, there is a lot of mystery surrounded the sisters death, and throughout the book you are getting little glimpses of the circumstances surrounding the event. I liked the way it was drawn out.
The Night Trilogy by Elie Weisel: Night/Dawn/The Accident
Who can read Night and not be moved, honestly? Ever since I went to the Holocaust museum back in the Spring I have been even more impacted by things having to do with it. It strikes me deeply in a way I can't explain...more than it ever did before. Dawn(fictional) was okay definitely interesting, and the Accident, which is also fictional, but could be the life of the author and you'd never know it, was very moving. I liked it alot.
Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz.
I started this a couple of weeks ago, but just finished it. It's basically a travel journal. Well, it reads like a story, but it covers the authors road trip from Houston up to the Mnt Hood area in Oregon. I love the Northwest, and although I haven't been to all the places along the journey, I have been to most, and it was interesting to read their descriptions from a different perspective. What I initially liked the most about this book, is that it has the spirit of some things I'd like to write myself. It's not a difficult read, and I would recommend it to anyone.

I recently bought the Time Traveler's Wife among other things, and upon reading the first chapter, I became convinced I had read it before. I haven't remembered how it ends yet though. I think I'll read a ways further.
Anne of Green Gables is sitting on my bedside table, even though I've read it a couple of times before, I've been hankering to read it again. =) I also started Mansfield Park, but I only read a couple of pages before I got busy. So I am trying to decide if that's the book I want to finish first. We'll see. I wanted to get a head start on reading, since I need to average two books a week for the year. I did get a head start, but now I've been letting it slack! I did most of my reading the first week, and I have only finished one book this week. So I'd like to start something besides Moby Dick if you know what I mean. hehe.

I'm supposed to drive to Texas with Becky this coming week, so that should be interesting. Especially after reading that travel related book.
Well, that's my report for now! =)

Books

I don't know why, of late, it never occured to me to go to the Goodwill looking for books. There is a place in town called The Book Exchange, where I occassionally go to buy used books. This morning though, my mom asked me to go to the Goodwill to look for some second hand thing she wanted. It was on my way home from a friends house. I decided while I was there, to browse the books. I bought a hard bound copy of Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz, and paper backs White Oleander and Mrs. Dalloway (I haven't read any Virginia Woolf yet). Altogether with my mom's thing I spent 7.55$. Wahoo. Fabulous. Tomorrow I am going to the book exchange to look for classics. I am a classics nut at the moment. Becky is loaning me the complete Jane Austen collection.
I swear that I am going to read Harry Potter one of these days. I started the first one about three, maybe four years ago. It's not that I didn't like it, but I put it down for some reason. I just have to be in the mood I guess. In any case, I am also borrowing them from a friend, so hopefully I'll get to those this year.
I was planning on finishing Northanger Abbey yesterday, but I ended up having to work, and there were too many other things to do. So I'll get to it this afternoon. I also started a book by Donald Miller called "Through Painted Deserts." I've only read one chapter, but love it so far. I think I'll just read it real slowly though, in between whatever else.
Mel loaned my Mansfield Park before I found out that Becky had the collection, but no biggie. I haven't decided if I am going to read it next or take a break from Jane Austen and read something else in between. *shrug*
So, I guess I just have books on the brain today. That and napping. I feel a serious nap coming on. ;)
hehheh.

Pot O' Gold

Among other Christmas presents, I got about three old Jimmy Stewart movies, and a couple with Cary Grant and others. I love Jimmy Stewart. Love, love, love!!! Pot o gold was not my favorite of his movies, but I still liked it, though I confess I have a hard time disliking anything that he appears in. One of the movies, 'Rear Window,' I have seen, but mom knows I have been trying to collect all of the Jimmy Stewart movies I can get my hands on. I am also a Hayley Mills fan, so I am collecting those as well, and I have seen the Anne of Green Gables movies about a zillion times apiece. Does this make me seem old fashioned? lol.
Old movies are a passion which I cannot deny myself.

I am drawing towards the end of Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice.' It's nice to finally read the book, as I have seen three different versions of the movie. My friend Melanie loves Jane Austen, and has read all of her books, so she's trying to spread it around I guess. =P
I love the book, but there's nothing really new to say about it, since the movies cover almost everything I have read so far. I know some people find this stuff old and dry, but I confess that i think it wonderful.
I also loved Jan Eyre, and I thought that if one Bronte sister was good, the other couldn't be that bad, but then I couldn't get very far into Wuthering Heights at all. I am determined to try again someday. So we'll see what happens.

Oh Christmas tree, Oh freaking Christmas tree.

Yeah. It's like that.
Actually, I love Christmas. I do. I love the whole season. Sadly however, this year I am sort of glad its over. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. So much for enjoying friends and family. heh.
I have hardly had time to check my email, let alone update the blog.
Yesterday I finally had time to go over to Becky's. We sat around and played games. When it got late we crocheted and watched Pride and Prejudice. Go Colin Firth! Woo!
Mel and I saw the new Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley. I wasn't sure I'd like it, but it was faaaabulous.
I can't remember that guys name who plays Mr. Darcy, but he was great and so was she. I think I am going to buy it when it comes out. Melanie bought me the book for Christmas. I have several books sitting by my bed, but I am not going to start any until the 1st. The primary reason being that I just have too many other things to do at the moment. The second reason however, is that I have to keep up with Joe's insane reading routine in 2006, and I I am stocking up now!
I'll probably be blogging about lots of books in the weeks to come...or at least they'll be mentioned ;)
I love the show 'House.' I can't wait for it to come back on next week. I've gotten a little attached to 'Bones' as well. I didn't think that would happen, but it has grown on me.
My top tv night used to be Thursdays, but it has changed to tuesdays. =)

Okay, sadly, 'she who remains dateless' must yield the computer to her 16 year old sister, so that she can chat with a boy ( who she just went out on a date with ) for the next two or three hours. *sigh*

It's been real fun.

Go to bed spazz.

So, today was Becky day, where I was actually off from both jobs, and she came down from the mountain to hang out for awhile. We pretty much ran around like chickens with our heads cut off; otherwise referred to as Christmas shopping. haha. We were out and about for a long time, so when we came back to my house we were already exhausted.
I told myself I was going to bed early tonight, and I really haven't made it. Grrr at me.

That's alright. I needed to drop a note to a couple of people whom I have not spoken with in some time. It's sometimes hard to keep up with everyone, and things are really crazy now that it is Christmas time.

I am working on this afghan that has to be done by christmas, and let me tell you...it has a loong way to go.

I wanted to update because I hate to get so far behind, but I am so tired I think I might fall over. Amazingly I can still spell, but probably not for long. Typing incapacity is about to set in at any moment. I already can't think clearly.

yuiogyhdbkjdnfkjiabjnaendfbd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K. Bye.

Abby

Abby passed away on Friday. The memorial was yesterday. It was warm and light hearted...as much as one can be.
My favorite story was when Abby decided to spruce up one of her brothers fish by removing it from the tank and placing a hair clip on its dorsal fin. :p
Also how she used to let the cats all sneak in her window. (There are a lot of cats that live in the barn)
What I will remember about her most is her smile. Everytime I came to church, at some point I would find myself sharing a smile with Abby. Usually she was sitting on Maribeth or Miranda's lap at the time, sometimes smiling at me from where she was hanging upside down. That little girl just brightened up my life. You know how there are some people who can smile at you, and you feel it on the inside? That's what it was like with Abby. Everytime she smiled at me, I felt it on the inside.
I'm glad for her sake that God let her go home early.
We are the ones who have to live with sorrow, because we will miss her, but she is in a better place where there is no sorrow. Amen, at least, for that.
Say hi to my sister little Abby.
God bless you Nixon family.

Middle Earth

Numenorean

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
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Looking For A Miracle...

It's snowing a lot outside. There have been like two hundred accidents in Spokane tonight, which makes me crazy. I mean, there are a lot of people who just slid off the road, and I do feel bad for people that have been in accidents. But there are also a whole bunch of morons on the road who think it is perfectly normal to do 50mph in a blizzard. These days it just makes me crazy to drive in this area. Are people this lame everywhere? Everyone is in such a friggin' hurry to get everywhere. They never think about the potential consequences. Grr. Sorry to sound so people bashey, but it makes me mad. All the innocent people on the road, and some idiot in a spazz to get somewhere messes it up. The snow doesn't scare me, it's the other people on the road. Most people are fine, but you never know when you might run into the few maniacs.
*sigh*

It's just a depressing night all around. I got off the phone with a good friend a little while ago, and things are not looking good for precious little Abby. Tonight the Doctors were basically telling her parents to brace for the worst. They think there is no blood flow going to the brain. I am far more familiar with brain swelling issues and things like that than I would like to be, since it is ultimately what killed my sister. The Doctors are saying there really isn't much more they can do. Tomorrow is pretty much make it or break it day. We are really looking for a miracle here. I know that God can do one. He still does them all the time. Way crazier ones than this. There was a Venezuelan lady on my DTS who contracted some horrible virus and got really really sick. The doctor basically told her husband that she was dead, her body was even cold. She said she saw this light and Jesus spoke to her, and her husband was holding her hand, crying, when he felt her hand start to warm up, he could feel the blood rushing through. She got totally healed. They both wept when they told the story, and that isn't the only one like that that I have heard. So you see, I know it can happen. The problem is...will it? who knows why God does what he does. If he wants little Abby, then he will take her, and we won't know the rhyme or reason. We'll just have to believe that there is one.

It's funny. You always think it won't happen to you, or to anyone you know and love. My church family is pretty close so...it really affects everyone. The thing is, you'd think that once it does happen to you, that it won't be so hard to believe it can anymore. Totally not so. I have put it aside. This is so near to home, and just as unbelievable as my sisters accident.

I can't think about it without nearly bursting into tears. I wish I knew this family better. I've always meant to go up to their house to visit and I never have, and I just feel terrible. My heart is just so with them right now.
That's about all I can say about this right now. I need to get some rest.

Nasty sickness.

It doesn't feel like so many days since I last posted, but then again, I guess I've lost a few with this flu or whatever that I have been having. At least it has mellowed down to snifflies, and most of my voice has come back. I will still be happy tomorrow when I finally have a day off and I can go to bed really early. =) Lovely sleep. Last night I actually slept through the night, which was a nice change from waking up not being able to breathe!!
Speaking of yucky sicknesses, these folks from my church have a little girl who's about six. She had the flu or something, but she started getting really bad on Sunday so they took her to the hospital. Now they found out that she has bacterial meningitis. She still isn't responding to the medicine and last night she coded and they had to restart her heart beat. It is so terrible. She is the most precious little girl, and I can't believe it.

I was planning on writing a lot more right now, but I just realised that I need to get ready for work if I want to get out of here on time.

edit: I never actually heard for sure whether Abby had bacterial meningitis after it was first reported to me. All I know is that she had encephalitis, and that the swelling in her brain wasn't allowing blood flow. Ultimately it was just a very wicked virus that swept through too fast, and did not respond to treatment.

Links

So last week I updated my links. There are probably a couple more that I could add, but I got the ones I wanted for now. I republished and everything and they all showed up, but then today when I looked at my blog, there were no links. So I went back and checked my template and they seemed like they should be okay, so I saved the changes again and republished one more time. Now they are showing up fine again, but Joe's didn't work so I had to go fix it, and now it's all good. I just wonder if its going to stay that way this time. hehe.

Random information:
Popcorn is one of those things I would really hate to live without. I love it microwaved, and I love it from a popper. The thing is, I really love it when it's hot and it really doesn't stay hot for very long. *sigh*
Oh, and I can occassionally be persuaded to eat kettle corn, if I am at the fair, or downtown during fireworks or whatever, when they've just pulled it piping hot out of the kettle. I can't stand it any other way. I prefer my popcorn salty and buttery.
If you've ever seen the movie "First Daughter" with Katie Holmes ( at least, I hope that's the right one) there is this scene in the theatre where Marc Blucas (Riley Finn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame) pours their candy in on top of the popcorn; "sweet and salty" he says.
Blech. That's just wrong.
When I am in a salty food mood, I don't want to pour my chocolate on top! Weirdos. hehe.

Well, that's all the random information I have for today. I've been working on some research for a writing project I want to do, so I ought to get back to it. =)

Open Road

This weekend I took a little trip over to the Seattle side of the state. I needed to give a YWAM (http://www.ywam.org) friend a ride home to Renton. I have some friends who live in Orting, which is just a little bit south of Tacoma. I've been telling them I would visit ever since they bought their house three years ago. I finally made it this weekend. It's amazing that it's taken me so long to get over there. These are really good friends of mine. I guess life just happens.

In any case, I was going to come home Sunday night, but they closed Snoqualmie Pass due to rock slides. I decided to leave Monday morning instead (more daylight), and go down through Vancouver so that I could visit another friend on my way home. Why not! It's not like I get to see these people very often. So I stopped and had lunch with my friend, got caffeinated, and headed down Hwy 84, along the Columbia River Gorge, to come back to the Spokane area.

On my way from Orting to Vancouver I was having lots of crazy ideas. I mean, things that I could do with my time...with my life. I had a lot of interesting conversations this weekend. It was very refreshing. My friends are just so balanced. They are so wise. Sometimes they just help you get things in perspective. So that was great, and then there was the trip itself.
There is just something that happens to me when I am on a road trip. All of the things that don't make sense just sort of clear out of my brain while I am driving. I get recharged. A couple of years ago I drove home from San Diego by myself, and it was great. I had always wanted to take a drive that long by myself. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's nice to have company, but I love to take trips by myself.

While I was with my friend Renee in Vancouver, we had a nice talk about life and what we are doing with it. We laughed at some of the crazy ideas we used to have, and the things that we are trying to stay focused on now. One of the things we talked about is something that has always been a struggle of mine. Basically it revolves around what we are "supposed" to do. What I mean by that is; go to college, get a good job, get married, have 3.4 children, buy a mini-van, bladdy blah blah. None of those things are bad, in fact, that is what most of us do. So, even though I didn't start out wanting to do all of that, I worked really hard at talking myself into it, because, for some lame reason, I just thought I had to.
The problem is, all of our lives don't end up looking the same. We don't all accomplish the same things. I have been obsessed with this idea of accomplishment, as if I have to have that diploma or whatever, to show that I have made something with my life.
So Renee and I just chatted about that. About where we are now and where we think we might be going. It made me think about some things...

The problem with going on a little trip like this is that it stirs up all these things in me that I had thought were dead. It always happens. I always end up questioning myself, and I don't mean in a bad way. It just makes me think...reevaluate.
So I started doing that and it was kind of nice (in a weird sort of way). I had a great drive home during which I felt inspired and recharged.
Unfortunately, I was home for about five minutes before the veil dropped again. Why is that? It's so weird.
Anyway, I am scheming about possible future endeavors. Muhahahaha!!!!
I have some new and crazy ideas up my sleeve for what I might do to make everyone think I will never ever settle down. =) Nice.

Knife of Dreams(MAJOR spoilers!!!)

Joe, I am writing this post just for you....actually, does anyone else even read this journal?! haha!!!
So, Knife of Dreams. Book 11. Wheel of Time. If you don't want to know, you've read too far already!
*happy face*
I loved this book.
In fact, I am pretty sure I squealed with delight on more than one occassion. =)
First major smiley point; Prologue; Galad Damodred kills Eamon Valda and becomes, essentially, the Lord Captain Commander of the Children of the Light. Go relatives of Moiraine! woot!
I was like...did I miss something? Am I going crazy?! Did RJ just bring the Whitecloaks one step closer to actually, oh, I don't know, aligning with someone besides themselves for the last battle??!?! Neat.

First eyepopper; also prologue; Semirhage has just slaughtered the entire royal family in Seandar! That makes Tuon, officially, the Empress of Seanchan...it's just that nobody knows it yet! *wide eyes*
(About time we saw something happen with Semirhage, masquerading as Anath)
I love it. =)

The rest are not neccesarily in order. I just want to say that just in case! =P

#1 Moment that made tears come to my eyes; Nynaeve sending Lan off to the blight (ultimately to take back lost Malkier.) YES!!!!! You know the line...My husband, Lan Mandragoran rides to Tarmon Gai'don, does he ride alone? MALKIERI RIDES FOR TARMON GAI'DON!!! Woot! woot! You should see me, sitting there in my bed, crying, shaking my fist, saying all the lines outloud!! haha!!

#1 Moment that made me scream, jump up and down, dance for joy around the room, and holler "I Knew it.....I KNEW IT" ; Thom shows Moiraine's letter to Mat, confirming what we have suspected, that she is not dead, but trapped somewhere most likely in the land of the Aelfinn or Eelfinn.
I have been speculating for sometime that Mat would have to be involved in her rescue, because he is the only one who ever wins at the game of Snakes and Foxes ( though it's by cheating =P)
Also, I've been convinced it had to be through the Tower of Genghi (sp?) which Birgitte pointed out to Perrin in the wolf dream, when she helped him, and which we saw in book two when Rand, Thom and Mat were on Bayle Domon's boat...somewhere near Whitebridge?
I have just BEEN WAITING for some fool to mention the tower, and for those guys to remember that they already KNOW where it is. Sheesh! Catch up fellas!!! I didn't know the letter would be the key, I just wasn't sure how Mat was going to figure out he needed to go there! A whole lotta WOOT!! Moiraine is my favorite character, and nothing ( I mean absolutely nothing) gives me the happy happy joy joy feeling like her impending return.
Besides, the people who thought she was dead drove me crazy. I mean, she is Min's ONLY vision, that EVER would have failed. Min is gonna flip when she finds out....I can't wait!

#1 Finally, can we get on with it now moment; Elayne takes the Andoran throne. The borderlanders just sitting there is driving me batty. They can't move without the houses besieging Caemlyn thinking they are attacking, when all they want is to find Rand. For any resolution, she had to take the darn throne already!

Also good to know, is the Aes Sedai who was killing everyone off in the palace. I mean, for crying out loud, there isn't anyone left alive that can channel besides the windfinders. Seems like it anyway.

#1 *gasp* ; Rand's hand is gone!!! What the...?!?! At least Semirhage is captured, although that doesn't make me feel better. You've seen how our good guys are about letting the Forsaken get away. Moghedien much? At least Asmodean proved to be useful.

Big Yay!!!! Faile is finally saved. I actually like Berelain now, and Galina gets what's coming to her. What a load off! Also, Tuon and Mat are actually married now? Wowza, Prince of Ravens huh? hehe.

Random points:
Less of Cadsuane in this book, which I like because she drives me completely insane, whether Rand needs her or not. She might be right, but I hate stubborn people who act like God's gift. Cadsuane *knows* that Cadsuane knows everything. Can't wait till Moiraine gets thrown back into that mess. Plus, I think her being alive will be good for him. Remember how he always remembers her first, and aches at her name being the top of his "list."
How far have we gone since Elayne got pregnant? Is there a due date for the short people? Enquiring minds want to know.
Who the heck is Messana already? Does anyone know? OBVIOUSLY it is not Elaida, who coincidently also drives me insane =), but it must be a shocker if he is saving it for the last book.
Are Perrin's people EVER going to find out that Maighdin is, in fact, Morgase, the recent queen of Andor?!?! This is also bothering me. A lot. I don't know why.
I also want Perrin to find out who Balwer *was*, but I guess you can't have it all.
I am going to be one of those people having a breakdown when the series ends, over all the things not revealed.
At least I can sleep nights, knowing Moiraine is about to make a star-studded come back. =)

There's too much to cover,these are just some of the more major points, but in general, I loved this book. It was the best book in...I don't even know how many. I don't have as much criticism as Joe anyway, I just love the books, even when they are slow. This book definitely rises above the last few though, in my humble opinion.
I loved the end of book 9, but over all, I just enjoyed this book the most of any I have read in the past few years, and that is saying a lot, since I didn't dislike the others.

It drives me crazy!!!!

My blog that is. I am such a rambler. I write my blog, and my online journal the way I might talk to someone who knew me well. I know that they understand me, at least to a certain extent...so I just ramble. Whatever's in my brain I just kind of spew out there. I know that this doesn't always make sense to a random passerby. The funny thing is, I really do hate to be misunderstood, and if I am having a conversation with someone, I will find ways to reword what I am saying in a way that is clearer, or makes more sense. I guess I just blog/journal for myself, so I don't neccesarily really care if it is completely concise. I suppose my friends will confront me if I say something offbase or completely psychotic. =)
Sometimes I go back later and read my journal entries though, and I am like....Girl, you are a freak. lol! Learn to be a little more concise!!! ha! I keep doing it the same way though!! Go figure. =P

Drive Away! Drive Away!

As long as I can follow my somewhat frequent road trip urges, nobody has to get hurt. =)

I haven't planned an escape for awhile now. Last time I can remember leaving town was when we went to New York and D.C. the first week in May. Oh, I am such a liar. I was in a wedding in July, but that was only three hours away and it wasn't like a vacation, so I don't think it counts. However, I did also spend four days in Montana the first week in August, my bad. =)
So anyway, I am getting that itch again. Hadn't really thought about it until I realised that I might actually get my car back from the mechanic sometime in the fairly near future..
I have some friends in the Seattle area that I keep telling I will visit, but still haven't gotten around to it. I think they bought their house at least two years ago, and I still haven't been up to see it. I love the area, and winter will soon be upon us, so I might as well go before the passes get too frightening. If we get anything like in Colorado, then I guess I should have gone last week!!
There is just no telling with the weather these days. You can't count on it, and who knows what crazy thing might happen anywhere.

Other than my wanderlust, not a lot to say tonight. I haven't really written much lately, which is a little weird for me. Just busy I guess. Starting school and all that. usually I can spend hours in front of the computer, but now it's books an movies, so, oh well! usually I am a news junky too, but not lately. I need a break. I was watching way too much there for awhile...and it just drives you crazy when there's not a lot you can do to help anyone. Send money, yeah, but most of us wish we could do more. I *did* even try to volunteer with the Red Cross and the Salvation Army, but I guess they didn't need anymore volunteers at the moment. That's okay. Not like I really have the money to send myself to New Orleans anyway, let alone Pakistan.
It's alright though. There is a time for all things, and tragedy isn't limited to the people of the Gulf Coast. No use asking for trouble. Often enough it finds us on its own.

Maybe that came out wrong?
I don't know. I have a lot of compassion for the people suffering, and I just know that we could easily be them. Maybe next time we will be. So, why worry about not being able to go help. Who knows, maybe God needs me right here.

To End All Wars/Miracle on the River Kwai

So, I told myself that I was going to start keeping a journal of things I was watching, but since lately its been mostly t.v. shows and old Jimmy Stewart movies, I haven't really felt like following through.
Tonight I watched a movie called "To End All Wars," which is based on the book "Miracle on the River Kwai" by Ernest Gordon. David Cunningham directed this. He is the son of Loren Cunningham...wait...is he the son or grandson? I can't remember. In any case, Loren Cunningham is the founder of Youth With A Mission, and ultimately, that is where I learned about this film. When I was in Montana three years ago, there was talk about it being made. So I remember it recently and hunted it down.
It was great.
The movie is set in WWII and it's about a group of POW's who worked on the Berma-Siam railroad, crossing the river Kwai, which was called the railway of death.
It was a little slow...the ending kind of dragged, but not in a way that really detracted, I just kept expecting it to end. If its a little hard to get into in the beginning (there is a lot of narration), it makes up for it later on. It's not super high action or anything, but there is a lot of interesting content. Really about sacrifice and dignity, and cultural differences, etc. Gospel strong. There are really a couple of deeply moving points in the last quarter of this movie. Not bad for David's debut film.
In any case, I wasn't planning on writing reviews in here, but I figured since Joe shares all of his, it can't hurt to throw one in once in awhile!!! Plus, since I just watched it, it was fresh there in my brain. =)
I really need to go to my bed now, where I will be forced to look at French vocabulary, and read Philosophy for an hour before I can give in to sleep.
It might be a long hour....

Blah blah, bladdy blah blah blah

Joe told me that I should use word verification, so I am. I mean, good advice you might as well take, know what I mean?

I am so tired. I am completely drooping with exhaustion. I've been up really late every night for the past week. Mostly moving, organizing, cleaning.
The worst part of the move is always the end. You know, when you're already tired, and you have all that miscellaneous crap that you have no idea what to do with. Random little boxes and whatnot. Mostly I just want to create a bonfire in front of my mom's house and roast some marshmallows. =) hahaha!!!! GOODBYE MISCELLANEOUS JUNK!!!!!!!!! =P

Last night I didn't get home until 9:30 p.m. I just couldn't take it anymore. I pretended not to see the boxes as I walked through the living room. I sneaked to my comfy bed and had a Smallville marathon with my little sister.
Still stayed up too late.
Grrr.

The Current State of Things and a Lack of Faith in Mankind

Yesterday, to add to an already long and difficult day, I got in a car accident.
I swear my car is a magnet for destruction.
I was waiting to turn left onto a busy road, and there was noone at the stop sign opposite me. Traffic was taking forever, and by the time I finally went to turn a girl had pulled up at that other stop sign. The sun was in her face, granted, but I was there when she pulled up, and I don't know how she could have not seen me at some time during her approach. As I pulled out to turn I saw her take off, fast. In a split minute decision, and not wanting to hit her head on, I gunned it and tried to go straight, and get around her before she hit me, but she was going too fast. She slammed into me about where me left rear tire is on my drivers side.
Now, usually in an accident I don't freak out. As long as everyone is okay, the car can be dealt with. This time, already stressed about money and things, I about came unglued. I slammed my fists on my steering wheel and said a few choice words to my nephew and little sister who were also in the car.
By the time I exited the vehicle however, I had restored some dignity, and approached the girl with civility. She apologised, saying that the sun was in her eyes and that she never even saw me. We exchanged personal info. She did not have insurance, of course.

Now, the damage on my car looked real bad. I thought that the rear axle must be messed up; from the way my tire was tilting. Luckily, after my mechanic friend examined it, he told me that these little cars like mine don't always have rear axles that go all the way across. So he thinks he can fix it pretty inexpensively. My car has already become so scratched up as it is, and even if my insurance would cover it, I can't afford the 500$ ded. since I just paid for school. I decided to let Kenny fix it, and not report it.
Here I am, in my naivety, thinking that this girl would be glad. She won't a)get a ticket for having no insurance, b) get a ticket for failing to yield, and c) have to pay as much money out of pocket.
Man do I ever live in a faery tale world.
When I called her she informed me that she had never even seen my turn signal on at all (I thought she didn't see me in the first place?), and that she could hardly afford to put gas in her car, and no way was she going to contribute to my car getting fixed!

You know what? It really isn't costing that much to make my car *go* again, and the money does not upset me. The dishonesty upsets me.
In fact, I can't even tell you how horrible I feel after talking to that conniving little you-know-what! It just makes me sick inside.
Earlier this year, one of my oh-so-lovely neighbors, with his big ass truck, scraped the side of my car with his bumper. I should say *gouged*. Suspiciously my roommate recieved a mark in the exact same place on her car, a day or two earlier!!!!
Unfortunately, noone saw anything, and I can't prove it. I sneaked out in the night and examined his bumber, which just happened to be a little bit scratched with white paint. (My car, coincidently, is white.) Our road is narrow already, and so I guess that trying to get your huge truck off the curb in a drunken stupor, can cause these sorts of oversights.
What was I supposed to do? I hated to go up to their front door and start accusing, telling them how I examined their bumper while they weren't looking!! I decided to let it go. The damage was already done.
It wasn't the damage that bothered me, it was the complete disreguard for someone elses property, combined with the inability to accept responsibility. I understand that accidents happen to everybody. We all have bad days. I am willing to work with someone who can't afford to put gas in their car. In fact, in the case of this latest accident, I would have been willing to eat the cost myself. Now I am pissed. It's one thing for me to do so out of kindness, it's another thing for me to do it because the other person is an asshole!
I do believe that what goes around comes around. So I wonder what I've done to deserve all this?? Being a nice person apparently isn't enough.
Too bad for her though. I am sure she will get it back in the end.

This just reminds me about the state of things in general, and the moral decline that so many people deny is happening in our country. It's sad. We are so spoiled and selfish. I admit, I am not free from guilt. I ought to pray for our nation a lot more than I do. It grieves me so much that I would just rather hide my head under my pillow than deal....but we have to deal. We will deal, one way or another.

Right to Bear Arms.

*Disclaimer:
I know that this is all rambly, and some of it seems to contradict, although I assure it does not. It's my blog though, and I don't usually edit my posts, I just write what I am thinking at the time, so deal.
My little sister is completely freaked out by guns.
Last night my brother brought home a gun..well, he had gotten a new barrel or something, for a gun that my dad had owned for years already. ( I guess we had at least two guns on our property for *years* and I never knew! insane!)
Anyway, she freaked out. At least, she freaked out over the fact that the gun would remain on the property.
Who can blame her really?
She's 16 after all, and what do high school kids know about violence these days but guns? I mean, half of the high schools in America now require you to walk through metal detectors on your way to homeroom. It's not pretty.
My nephew lives with them as well. He is six. My sister (his mother) passed away a little over four years ago now. He spends a lot of time with his dad, who likes to hunt and stuff. Tristan is obsessed with guns.

Now, I am not trying to say that everything about guns is evil. We know, or ought to know, that guns don't kill people, people do. However, I just can't pretend to hide my head in the sand about all the violence and stuff on television these days...and video games? Yeah.
I don't lecture my 30 something friends about playing Halo, because I know that they have already well established belief systems, and I really doubt that they are going to go out and shoot somebody, or play around with guns because "they're cool". However, I don't have the same faith in my six year old nephew.

This day and age he is being raised in is so different even from mine , which wasn't really so very long ago ( I was born in 1976). Every where you look there is sex and violence. Case and point, yesterday I was at my mom's talking to my little sister, and CSI was playing in the background. We are all big Law and Order fans at home, CSI, all that stuff. My mom watches those forensic/court shows. Tristan is in the other room, watching cartoons, but he decides to come for a visit right about the time they are doing one of those close-up-gunshot-to-the-head kinds of scenes.
I just flipped out for a second. This was in the evening, but not late. Maybe around 7? I don't live with small children, so I don't always scrutinze what I watch as carefully as I should, but when I realised that he was watching that, I about came out of my skin. No small child should be seeing that at all. Period.

Kids are so impressionable. Heck, so are we! I mean, just look at how desensitized we've become! Still, it's worse for kids. I don't think that it's bad for Tristan's dad to take him hunting, or for him to teach him how to use a gun. The problem is, I don't think that is measured by safety and value of life. Not because the people around him don't have it, but becuase they don't show it. Everything he sees tells him how cool guns are, how the person with the most victims gets the bonus prize, how the bad guys win. It's a different time than when my grandparents had guns. It worries me for him. Whitney might be freaked out by that gun. She might steer clear of it completely, but what worries me, and assuredly what *really* worries her, is the fact that he does not have the same inclinations. Now, luckily, the gun is not loaded. In fact, there is no ammunition in the house, or anywhere that he could find it. So for now he's safe. but what if once, just once...
Well, I think you get my point.
So, my little sister is freaked out. And for a good reason.
Now for the flip side.

I want to buy a gun.

And I want to know how to use it.

Here's the thing. I don't think that complete ignorance of guns is exactly good either. A healthy fear is okay, but not an uncontrollable one.
I never want to have to shoot anyone. In fact, I am not even sure that I could. At the same time, I would like to be able to show somebody that I mean business if it comes to that. I don't even mean in any kind of situation. I will not carry a gun in my purse. But just look what's happening in New Orleans. What if I found myself in a similar situation?? I am not going to sit there and let some men have a go at a woman, because there is nobody there who can do anything about it. In my emergency preparedness kit, a gun will be included. It may be cliche, but I do agree with the saying; "if guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns." I am not saying that gun companies should be allowed to sell crazy semi-automatic weapons to the public at large, but if I want to have a shotgun in my garage, then that is my prerogative.

It's naive to think that you can outlaw murder by banning guns. You can't. Bad people do bad things. Good people who have lost all reason do bad things. There is a reason why we have the 2nd amendment.
We need to get back to some good old-fashioned values. Things need to change on a very basic level. Our nation has always had guns. We just weren't always as blood starved. If you raise your children in an environment that is satured with a disregard for life, they will absorb a disregard for life. So sure, have a gun, and teach your kids how to use it, teach them safety, but above all, temper that with regard for life & humanity. Moniter how much crap they get to watch, and yeah, that even includes the news. I am not talking about sheltering them so much that they can't live in the world, simply raise them in an environment not bent on desensitizing their mind into a general love of Nazi experiments!
If you think we're far from that you're wrong as well.
Stem cell research anyone?

Caffeine Logic

I am certain that I drank one soda too many today. I am as antsy as I can be sitting here in this swively chair, and every time my phone rings I about come off the hook myself.
The people calling in are the same people that call in everyday, it's just that today rather than being annoyed with a few, every single one is driving me stark raving mad. Luckily, I get to log off in about 15 minutes, and then the running around with no head-life of a chicken-begins. *sigh*
I can't wait to go back to school...Okay, hopefully I will learn my lesson of consuming caffeine before I have to sit for long periods of time, but nevertheless....I feel like my brain is fried from lack of education. In fact, if I catch myself saying something like..."I seen," I am just going to collapse altogether. It seems to be an ailment of certain people I know. Not trying to be all judgmental of people who aren't educated enough to speak properly, just don't want to speak that way myself. =P
And, I confess, that frankly I don't understand why grown up people who speak constantly to other grown educated people, can't correct their messed up speaking patterns. It's weird. then again, I write just like a person who only writes in the land of internet chat jargon, so who am I to speak? This is exactly the reason why I need to go back to school. I *want* someone to correct my grammer! =P

Last night I bought a book; "Screenwriting for Dummies." So, we'll just see how that goes. Never tried my hand at it before, and I am trying to branch out. I need to before I go insane. the inner life of my work cubicle just isn't doing it for me.

Movies and stuff

I've been thinking that I ought to start reviewing books and movies and things, just for the hell of it. I've read a few books this year, and I joined Netflix, and have been watching dvd's like a fiend, so it's not like I wouldn't be able to keep up. I have to confess though, that the last few bazillion dvd's I have watched have been from seasons 1-4 of Angel/the series. Okay, that's only 24 dvd's, but even so. I think I have been a member for like...a month, and I have watched 25 or 26 dvd's. I think that's impressive...or not, depending on how lame you think my life is that I've had time to watch that many. =P
I like to come home and just sit though, and decompress sometimes.

Anyhoo, I don't know if I am going to do it for the ole blog here. I might just do it for myself. Help me keep track of stuff I have watched and read, help my memory to work some more. It's a good writing excercise as well. Plus, I like to write long hand, so I could keep a journal at home. That would be nice.