Hallelujah

"she sings hallelujah, when all has become nothing
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."

I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.

Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.

I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.

Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.

Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.


....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."

~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)