The Connector, that is me.

Apparently I do have a mission in this life. Apparently my gift, forever, will be to connect other people. For my old school college age friends, I am the go to person if you are in need of a phone number.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?

I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.

Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.

Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.