I Am SOUP!

Okay, if Ryan can do this so can I.....Talk about old loves that is.

What a freaking weird year. I seem to be tracking down a very random variety of people, but I can't help myself! It's like I am soup, and God is stirring the pot that is me, and all of the stuff that was on the bottom is now on the top...or something like that. So, all these old things that I haven't thought about in awhile, that were part of an old life I had, all of these things are starting to resurface, and I am faced with the fact that there are things in there I have never truly let go of.
At least, from the present state of my heart that must be the case.

I am somewhat afraid to post this, but such is life. I am going to do it anyway.
Once there was a guy named Jason, and he was my friend. This was a very long time ago. Jason was the last boy I kissed...a million years ago. I just don't go around kissing people you know, and I really haven't had a "boyfriend" since Jason. Although, technically, Jason was not my boyfriend either, but....let's just call it close enough.
We were really good friends, and I loved him. As much, or maybe more, than I have ever loved anyone. Because, well, I was comfortable with him...completely, and I felt safe with him, and he looked out for me, and because more than anything, we were fun together. There was a lof of joking, and laughing, and joy. Of course, regardless of those things, sometimes you just love somebody and there is no ryhme or reason at all.
Jason had his issues. He did things I did not approve of, and some of those things put his life in danger. I cried a lot of tears over Jason. At this time in my life I was really starting to have a deep relationship with God, and we had more than a few conversations about my friend.

There used to be four of us, that did everything together. We worked together, we went to concerts together, we drove around all night together, just because that is what we did. We went to Daniels and played Mortal Kombat at 4 in the morning...which, let me tell you, is the *only* video game in the world I have ever kicked a guy's ass at. I was always that girl who could grab you with her hair and slam you down on the floor!!! Remember that?? Totally old school! Jason and Daniel could never get out of it. I would just keep slamming their guy down on the ground over and over!!!! lol!!! I could never win as anyone else though, only her. I am not so good with the vids usually.
One time Daniel said that Jason and I were soul mates, and that whatever happened, in the end, we would find each other wherever we were. Obviously that isn't true, but it sounded nice at the time.
I would have married Jason. Truly. If he would have said the word. I would have done a lot of things that he actually kept me from doing. Whatever he was with anyone else, he always had integrity with me.

Sooo...yeah. I think about him off and on, but not with any great regret or anything. That all happened a long time ago.
They all moved to Texas and I stayed behind. I was getting really involved with the church at the time and I felt like God said.."No, I have something better for you."
So right before Christmas I had a dream about Jason and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. I think this is just one of those things that was buried in the closet of my heart.
I never really greived the loss of my friends. I was too busy. There was too much going on, for too long. One day I just realized that time had marched on without them, and that was ok.
Apparently my heart feels differently.
I think Jason is married and lives in Florida. When I heard he was engaged I wanted very badly to send them a gift, but had no contact information. So I called his dad a few days ago. Hopefully I can still send them a little something. We were friends, after all, more than anything, and it just seems like the thing to do. I am glad if he is well.

It's just taking me some time to sort through the heart wrenching memories. I have grown a little tired of heart wrenching, but what can you do? So I am trying to go with this house cleaning thing, or whatever God is doing, and look my past square in the face so that I can move on from it.

And there you have it. Why I am soup. =)