New Friends and Stuff

I seem to have a couple of new commenters of late. Hello new commenters! (Is that even a word?) Anyway, interesting to me that someone besides those who liked me already would want to read all of my passionate tossings of words. hehe.
This isn't just about the appearance of new people at my blog though.
I have new friends in *real life* too. :p
Actually, I have started to hang out more with a couple of coworkers...it's not that I usually am at a loss for making friends...but, ya know, I am not as in a hurry as I used to be. I want to genuinely be able to communicate with the people I hang around with. :p

It's been fairly interesting lately.

You know, there is this one person I am friends with...and I am almost loathe to say this, because who really knows who is reading my blog, and I wouldn't want anyone to take it the wrong way...even so, I want to vent.

The other day I was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep, and thinking about a conversation I was having with a friend, and at the same time, kind of arguing with God, when I realized with shocking clarity: "Criminy! You are using me in this persons life, aren't You?!?! Despite how much I suck or whatever is going on with me, through no choice of my own, You are still doing it aren't You?!?! You are ALWAYS doing it!!!!" RAWR!
Okay, not like I can actually, legitimately be mad about something like that. In fact, at another time, perhaps I would be glad to know that He uses us despite ourselves, but I confess, that I was really thinking of what I was getting out of the friendship. Not that I didn't care about the other person. Of course I do! A lot! It's just that...I guess I was feeling....drat. I don't know how to explain.
There was sort of this level playing field. This person and I became friends, and certainly christianity affected it, but didn't dictate it. I wasn't their intercessor, they weren't the person that gave me sage wisdom, we were just friends. Then, all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, I realized that God was speaking to them, through me. You know, which does not neccesarily mean that its not still a level playing field..but once that inner me realizes that there is something lacking there for them, that unconcious intercessor starts stretching her legs.
Of course I pray for my friends....or at least....in theory...I mean, I always have, just not quite as much at the moment.
And, you know, my friends pray for me as well, just the same. That's level. But it's just....different. Of course, this person may be way more mature than I know yet, and maybe secretly they are saying a prayer for me. I hope so. I don't want to be the big sister right now. That is not what I was hoping for in this situation. *sigh*
Call me selfish. Maybe I am.
I just wanted to meet this someone eye to eye. If its not doable, it just isn't, and I will deal with that when I know it for sure. I am still holding out for hope though.

There is this point I hit before...in the midst of a lot of things...where I really resented the whole "straight and narrow." I don't mean, living a good and prudent life either, because I have always mostly done that, before I ever got involved in church or leadership. What I mean is, this whole higher expectation.
I think I wanted to know what it was like to sink back to a normal level of personhood, where I could be friends with whoever I wanted, and hang out with them wherever I wanted. You know, while we were having drinks, while they were smoking pot...whatever my conscience dictated was alright for that person at that time. No restraints placed on me by my tightrope of leadership.
I don't want that kind of attention anymore. I just want to be another one of the huddled masses. Making a difference in some way...sure, but I don't care if hardly anyone sees that. It's just the individuals that matter to me now. I don't want to be any big thing. I don't need any pedestals to fall off of. I want to have friends to walk with, who also struggle, and we struggle through it together, but we are all the same, and none are better than the others. We are all playing in the mud.
So I guess...I just wanted to peek out from the mud, and see this other person muddy next to me, rather than finding myself clean, sitting on the side of the playpen, looking in at them and seeing their filth, and finding that feeling in myself slowly grow, that I am somehow different than they are, and maybe somehow better.

That's all for now.