I do love the snow, and I am glad that I get to go into work an hour late tomorrow...yay! However, I am a little bored. I am all motivated for job hunting and whatnot, but everyone has closed up shop. I need to find something active to do in the meantime, while it is still snowy and icy and yicky outside. *sigh* *twiddle*
I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Oh! The Weather Outside is Frightful!!!!
SNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.
Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)
So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.
I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!
I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.
Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)
So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.
I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!
I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Viewing 6,087
I'm watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). I'm not actually sure how many times I have seen it to be honest, I just know that it's a lot.
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)
I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)
Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)
I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)
Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Just One of Those Days
As usual I got up at the bright and early crack of dawn. Actually, I confess, I usually use the terminology "butt crack" of dawn, because 3:30 in the morning not even the morning people have gotten up yet!!!
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Writer's Assistant
I know that this is the third entry I have posted.....wait. I was going to say "today" but since it's 1a.m. it is technically "tomorrow", or Thursday at any rate. =)
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.
So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...
Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.
Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)
So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.
There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!
The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.
So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...
Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.
Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)
So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.
There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!
The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Bones
I LOVE this show!!!!
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!
This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!
This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)
It's just a bunch of Huey! (As Jimmy Stewart would say)
Yes, I do love me some Jimmy Stewart. =)
So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.
-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.
-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.
I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.
I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.
So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.
-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.
-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.
I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.
I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
My failed optimism
There's a lot of things I would like to leave out of this blog entry...
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.
I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.
You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.
I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.
God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.
I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.
You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.
I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.
God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Trying to keep up...
I seem to go through these phases where I cannot seem to control myself with the blogging. I just need to blog constantly. Then, there are other times, like now, where I just don't feel like I have that much to say, and I am really just forcing myself to make the effort. There is something therapuetic in writing, whether I have anything to say or not like,
It was weird coming home to Federal Way from Spokane last week and saying to myself; "I live here." coming back seemed to solidify that somehow.
It's good.
I do live here. There is no desire in me to ever live in Spokane again.
So I have about finished a serious Battlestar Galactica marathon. I've been taking a bit of a break the past couple of days because I was beginning to meet people like Lee Adama, and Starbuck in my dreams at night. Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. I had the most HORRIFYING dream the other night. Saturday I think. I went to bed early, at like 8pm. I had to work at 7 in the morning and I have just been so tired this past weekend. I don't know if it was the Thai food I ate before bed or what. =P In my dream, I was sitting around this table with some people from work. Essentially, I think they were all managers of some kind. We were at this house that overlooked a beach. There was a huge deck outside, and we were sitting on this table out there, having an indepth discussion (not neccessarily having anything to do with work) At some point, something weird was going on down on the beach, and we noticed that there were a couple of people running around down there. It was no big deal though, so we went back to our conversation. Whatever we were talking about, I was agreeing with this guy Jeff, who didn't seem to be getting his point across, and I was trying to explain in a different way, when this guy Gregory jumped in and all of a sudden started saying something random about how you don't know what kinds of battles are raging behind closed doors. It felt like some kind of a spiritual comment. I mean, like you look at a couple, and they seem happy, but behind the scenes, in their home, it is a battlefield. And then Gregory said "Wars are being fought for people's very lives."
Right at that moment, we heard a sound in the sky and we all looked up. It was like something had just come through the atmosphere, you know how some of it gets burned? It was like this really loud sizzle kind of sound, like something was singhed around the edges. It looked like a meteorite way up there, all red and glowing around the edges, and then at last, it got close enough to see and it was a person. I felt this jolt go through my body and I gasped and woke up straight away. I can't even tell you the shock and trauma I felt looking up and seeing that woman falling out of the sky. In fact, it was like 10:30 at night by this point, and I got up and went downstairs and watched part of a movie with Lance and Jeni just so I could turn the image off. *shiver*
I have no idea what on earth made me have that dream, but I haven't had a dream that freaked me out that much in....I can't even tell you how long. Weird huh?
I confess, I did go see Flags of Our Fathers that day, but so?? Movies rarely cause me to have traumatizing dreams, and it felt spiritual. Bleh.
Shake it off, shake it off!
Just thought I would randomly share that.
I had a rough couple of days at work this last week. In fact, this past couple weeks have been my most difficult to date. Still, even when it's tough there is always a nice day thrown in the middle. Some people make work more enjoyable that others.
It also really amuses me that everyone at Starbucks is on Myspace. I swear. There should be a Starbucks group for crying out loud.
Okay, I have now written a sufficiently long entry, despite starting out with nothing to say. See how that works? Very nice.
That's it for now though.
It was weird coming home to Federal Way from Spokane last week and saying to myself; "I live here." coming back seemed to solidify that somehow.
It's good.
I do live here. There is no desire in me to ever live in Spokane again.
So I have about finished a serious Battlestar Galactica marathon. I've been taking a bit of a break the past couple of days because I was beginning to meet people like Lee Adama, and Starbuck in my dreams at night. Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. I had the most HORRIFYING dream the other night. Saturday I think. I went to bed early, at like 8pm. I had to work at 7 in the morning and I have just been so tired this past weekend. I don't know if it was the Thai food I ate before bed or what. =P In my dream, I was sitting around this table with some people from work. Essentially, I think they were all managers of some kind. We were at this house that overlooked a beach. There was a huge deck outside, and we were sitting on this table out there, having an indepth discussion (not neccessarily having anything to do with work) At some point, something weird was going on down on the beach, and we noticed that there were a couple of people running around down there. It was no big deal though, so we went back to our conversation. Whatever we were talking about, I was agreeing with this guy Jeff, who didn't seem to be getting his point across, and I was trying to explain in a different way, when this guy Gregory jumped in and all of a sudden started saying something random about how you don't know what kinds of battles are raging behind closed doors. It felt like some kind of a spiritual comment. I mean, like you look at a couple, and they seem happy, but behind the scenes, in their home, it is a battlefield. And then Gregory said "Wars are being fought for people's very lives."
Right at that moment, we heard a sound in the sky and we all looked up. It was like something had just come through the atmosphere, you know how some of it gets burned? It was like this really loud sizzle kind of sound, like something was singhed around the edges. It looked like a meteorite way up there, all red and glowing around the edges, and then at last, it got close enough to see and it was a person. I felt this jolt go through my body and I gasped and woke up straight away. I can't even tell you the shock and trauma I felt looking up and seeing that woman falling out of the sky. In fact, it was like 10:30 at night by this point, and I got up and went downstairs and watched part of a movie with Lance and Jeni just so I could turn the image off. *shiver*
I have no idea what on earth made me have that dream, but I haven't had a dream that freaked me out that much in....I can't even tell you how long. Weird huh?
I confess, I did go see Flags of Our Fathers that day, but so?? Movies rarely cause me to have traumatizing dreams, and it felt spiritual. Bleh.
Shake it off, shake it off!
Just thought I would randomly share that.
I had a rough couple of days at work this last week. In fact, this past couple weeks have been my most difficult to date. Still, even when it's tough there is always a nice day thrown in the middle. Some people make work more enjoyable that others.
It also really amuses me that everyone at Starbucks is on Myspace. I swear. There should be a Starbucks group for crying out loud.
Okay, I have now written a sufficiently long entry, despite starting out with nothing to say. See how that works? Very nice.
That's it for now though.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The old old days
So today was one of those mornings where I had to get up way..way too early. I worked on some projects when I got home, but eventually succombed to the temptation of the nap. During said nap I had the most odd dream. Okay, well, I guess its not that odd in the great scheme of Amanda's brain, but it was somewhat odd. I dreamed about this guy named Kris from high school who I am pretty sure I haven't talked to since graduation...Okay, it's possible I talked to him after that, but if so, I forget.
These days, its not all that weird to randomly run into somebody from high school (Hi Ryan! Oh, and hi Nickie!) but the dream just seemed very out of the blue. I just dreamed that he came to see me at Starbucks (although I think I was in Spokane at the time), and we had a nice conversation, and he told me that he lived in Renton, and something about commuting, and I told him I lived in Federal Way, and then I had to walk to another building, where we promptly ran into my grandparents. haha. Anyway. That's all the weirdness I have to report.
I know Kris does live on this side of the mountains, but that's about all I know. Not sure what dropped his face into my psychae. *shrug*
I was talking to someone today about Battlestar Galactica, since I have it on the brain. It's kind of hard not to with how many episodes I have watched in the last few days. Plus, I enjoy any geeky connection with people. haha!! It doesn't take much these days to get a sticker on my happy page.
Spokane was good, but I was glad that I got to leave again. I am going to restart the job hunt, which hasn't really been going at all lately. I mostly like my job, but there are a couple of people who seem sent to remind me that I am not a Starbucks lifer.
I know I haven't updated the ole blog here lately. There just hasn't felt like anything to say. Spent a couple of days in Spokane like I mentioned above, and now I am doing a lot of opening shifts. I definitely like opening with some people more than others. It's not like I really genuinely dislike anyone that I work with, but I for sure secretly have my favorites...because they make work workable. =P
Anyway. That's pretty much all I have to say. Maybe the title of this blog should be "Ode to Kris Kanzler" hehe.
Blessings to all.
=)
These days, its not all that weird to randomly run into somebody from high school (Hi Ryan! Oh, and hi Nickie!) but the dream just seemed very out of the blue. I just dreamed that he came to see me at Starbucks (although I think I was in Spokane at the time), and we had a nice conversation, and he told me that he lived in Renton, and something about commuting, and I told him I lived in Federal Way, and then I had to walk to another building, where we promptly ran into my grandparents. haha. Anyway. That's all the weirdness I have to report.
I know Kris does live on this side of the mountains, but that's about all I know. Not sure what dropped his face into my psychae. *shrug*
I was talking to someone today about Battlestar Galactica, since I have it on the brain. It's kind of hard not to with how many episodes I have watched in the last few days. Plus, I enjoy any geeky connection with people. haha!! It doesn't take much these days to get a sticker on my happy page.
Spokane was good, but I was glad that I got to leave again. I am going to restart the job hunt, which hasn't really been going at all lately. I mostly like my job, but there are a couple of people who seem sent to remind me that I am not a Starbucks lifer.
I know I haven't updated the ole blog here lately. There just hasn't felt like anything to say. Spent a couple of days in Spokane like I mentioned above, and now I am doing a lot of opening shifts. I definitely like opening with some people more than others. It's not like I really genuinely dislike anyone that I work with, but I for sure secretly have my favorites...because they make work workable. =P
Anyway. That's pretty much all I have to say. Maybe the title of this blog should be "Ode to Kris Kanzler" hehe.
Blessings to all.
=)
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Italy
I hate shows where they blow up Rome.
Especially since I haven't been there yet and it fills me with dread that somehow I'll never get to see all those ancient treasures. =)
I love old things, what can I say?
I always did have a fascination with archaeology. =P When I was in Europe I thought briefly about going to Pompeii, but didn't do it. Someday, I hope.
I also really want to go to the Louvre. I know there are a lot of other fantastic places to go in France, but how can you not want to see all of that art?!?! I can't imagine. I love the details. =)
If little sister becomes a high school counselor, then we'll have to take a summer and go walk about. Since, obviously, she won't have to work.
It's just always putting things off into the future that bothers me...because you just never know what's going to happen, and you need to do things while you can.
Especially since I haven't been there yet and it fills me with dread that somehow I'll never get to see all those ancient treasures. =)
I love old things, what can I say?
I always did have a fascination with archaeology. =P When I was in Europe I thought briefly about going to Pompeii, but didn't do it. Someday, I hope.
I also really want to go to the Louvre. I know there are a lot of other fantastic places to go in France, but how can you not want to see all of that art?!?! I can't imagine. I love the details. =)
If little sister becomes a high school counselor, then we'll have to take a summer and go walk about. Since, obviously, she won't have to work.
It's just always putting things off into the future that bothers me...because you just never know what's going to happen, and you need to do things while you can.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Yay for reality
I'm having one of those moments, where reality just sinks in. I'm not sure how to explain exactly. Nothing major has happened to cause this, I just feel firmly planted at the moment. It's kind of good actually. Sometimes I live far out in space. =P It's this problem I have. ha!!
That is my random information for today. My back has been feeling so much better, but right now it hurts and I probably should go to bed and get some rest. I still have a long weekend of work ahead of me. *sigh* It would be nice to have a day off where I am not just laying in bed in pain. I'm a little worn out from it to be honest.
Okay, short entry tonight, but it's all I've got.
That is my random information for today. My back has been feeling so much better, but right now it hurts and I probably should go to bed and get some rest. I still have a long weekend of work ahead of me. *sigh* It would be nice to have a day off where I am not just laying in bed in pain. I'm a little worn out from it to be honest.
Okay, short entry tonight, but it's all I've got.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Ouchie. Ouchie. Ouchie.
Phooey on Monday mornings. Good thing there is football on tonight or this day would be completely irredeemable! haha.
At roughy 6:15 this morning, standing in the drive-thru window at Starbucks, my back abruptly gave out. At least, I guess that's what it did. It hurts....a lot. When I am just taking a small step I sometimes feel like I am about to hit the floor, and also, I can't even lift a gallon of milk. It's not pretty. Lifting a gallon of milk is pretty important when you work at Starbucks. hehe.
Needless to say, I am now at home. It's hard to work when it causes you pain just to hand someone their change out the window.
Rawr.
I would kill for a fabulous muscle relaxer right now.
I must face the inevitable visit to the chiropractor. Maybe I can also go to the massage therapist. That's something I can get into. My old chiropractor in Spokane had a massage therapy place right in their office!!! Is that normal? It's fabulous anyway. I'm probably going to have to get a new x-ray of my spine. Joy.
Actually, I have no medical coverage to go to the chiropractor. My benefits are great actually, its just that I never go to the doctor, so I chose the cheapest possible plan. I mean, if I got strep throat it would be no problem. Of course, I can change my plan, but in the meantime...Grr. I *do* have coverage for physical therapy, so I am going to have to see a doctor and go from there. Bleh.
In leiu of muscle relaxers I have opted for ibuprofen and Kahlua. hehe One does what one can. :p
I am sitting at the computer because I don't want to lay in bed all day long. It just doesn't sound very appealing. My treatment method hasn't kicked in yet though, and boy am I hurting!! So, I could be in bed with a stack of dvd's anytime now. :p
Thank God for a good attitude.
If I were crabby pants this could be so much worse. =)
At roughy 6:15 this morning, standing in the drive-thru window at Starbucks, my back abruptly gave out. At least, I guess that's what it did. It hurts....a lot. When I am just taking a small step I sometimes feel like I am about to hit the floor, and also, I can't even lift a gallon of milk. It's not pretty. Lifting a gallon of milk is pretty important when you work at Starbucks. hehe.
Needless to say, I am now at home. It's hard to work when it causes you pain just to hand someone their change out the window.
Rawr.
I would kill for a fabulous muscle relaxer right now.
I must face the inevitable visit to the chiropractor. Maybe I can also go to the massage therapist. That's something I can get into. My old chiropractor in Spokane had a massage therapy place right in their office!!! Is that normal? It's fabulous anyway. I'm probably going to have to get a new x-ray of my spine. Joy.
Actually, I have no medical coverage to go to the chiropractor. My benefits are great actually, its just that I never go to the doctor, so I chose the cheapest possible plan. I mean, if I got strep throat it would be no problem. Of course, I can change my plan, but in the meantime...Grr. I *do* have coverage for physical therapy, so I am going to have to see a doctor and go from there. Bleh.
In leiu of muscle relaxers I have opted for ibuprofen and Kahlua. hehe One does what one can. :p
I am sitting at the computer because I don't want to lay in bed all day long. It just doesn't sound very appealing. My treatment method hasn't kicked in yet though, and boy am I hurting!! So, I could be in bed with a stack of dvd's anytime now. :p
Thank God for a good attitude.
If I were crabby pants this could be so much worse. =)
Monday, September 18, 2006
It's raining, it's pouring...
Okay, well, technically not pouring. =P In fact, I think I see some sunshine out the window! Still, it was pretty soggy this morning and I LIKED it! Might as well document this here, so that in six months when I am like....WOULD IT PLEASE STOP RAINING?!?! You can all snicker. haha
I. love. Seattle. I really do. More than I thought I did.
Yesterday, once again, I drove downtown and met Ryan and we went to Mars Hill. Of course, yesterday a Seahawks game had just gotten over, and there were like a kazillion jerseyed football fans everywhere. Unlike myself, this did not even stress me out. I was feeling very happy driving into Seattle. It's this weird thing that happens to me. I just like going there. And, ya know, I have always liked Seattle, but it's different now.
I almost didn't go to church yesterday. I worked until 1, and then I came home and Lance and Jeni were sorthing all of the left over boxes and things in the garage, trying to get the last bits of their house in order. So I contributed by sweeping, and mopping, and doing dishes and whatnot. My back hurt and I was a little tired, and I knew I had a long week ahead of me, but I also knew that Seattle makes me happy. hehe.
Besides, I felt like I should go. Know what I mean? So I went, and I was so glad. The sermon was good, as I think they usually are, but there must also just be something in the atmosphere there that seeps into me, because when I leave I always feel like a tiny bit of life has settled in my bones, and I always feel great when I am driving home again.
Okay, maybe it's not fair to say "always" since I have only done it a couple of times so far...Maybe so far so great would be better. =)
So today I was driving home from work, and it was rainy and dreary and everything looked very green. I just felt this well of emotions rise up in me, that I don't really know how to explain. I wish I did have the words, because then later I could look back and go "Oh yeah!! That is exactly how I felt!"
I did think about Amsterdam...I have this pair of black shoes that I bought in Amsterdam. They are just kind of sleek and fashionably functional. They are perfect for walking in the rain. They don't slip on anything wet. Amsterdam is one of those trend setting fashion cities, and there are always crazy things on the street. People go by in crazy outfits with huge, glittery hot-pink mohawks and stuff like that. Then there are a bunch of people that just look like super-models. The thing I remember the most however is just....well, again, the word sleek comes to mind.
Of course, as far as fitness there is that European practice of walking everywhere, and riding your bike. (Plus they have to climb up and down all those obscenely long spiral staircases!) It's not like everyone is super thin either, they just look good. Lots of well dressed, sleek looking people, moving with purpose, side by side with the crazy fasion statement crowd.
At least, that's what is in my memory. I could have made it up. haha.
Ahhh Memories.
Shawn sent me a postcard from back east, and she mentioned being homesick for Europe. It just really is a different world. I really hope I get to go back someday....before something crazy happens...(my fear of which I will not at this time elaborate on)
Well, that's just about all I have to say today. I am living in a strange place at the moment; right between the past and the hopeful future. I am processing.
Here I go to do some more of that...!
Adios!
*For the whole two of you who might have any clue what I am talking about, I am and am not giving up on my lame (very very lame) search, but am very close to offering 50$ to whichever friend can definitively locate the elusive JP. Of course, that is a piddly amount considering the trouble I have gone to already without actually hiring myself a spy. ha. ha. It just sounded good for a moment.
I. love. Seattle. I really do. More than I thought I did.
Yesterday, once again, I drove downtown and met Ryan and we went to Mars Hill. Of course, yesterday a Seahawks game had just gotten over, and there were like a kazillion jerseyed football fans everywhere. Unlike myself, this did not even stress me out. I was feeling very happy driving into Seattle. It's this weird thing that happens to me. I just like going there. And, ya know, I have always liked Seattle, but it's different now.
I almost didn't go to church yesterday. I worked until 1, and then I came home and Lance and Jeni were sorthing all of the left over boxes and things in the garage, trying to get the last bits of their house in order. So I contributed by sweeping, and mopping, and doing dishes and whatnot. My back hurt and I was a little tired, and I knew I had a long week ahead of me, but I also knew that Seattle makes me happy. hehe.
Besides, I felt like I should go. Know what I mean? So I went, and I was so glad. The sermon was good, as I think they usually are, but there must also just be something in the atmosphere there that seeps into me, because when I leave I always feel like a tiny bit of life has settled in my bones, and I always feel great when I am driving home again.
Okay, maybe it's not fair to say "always" since I have only done it a couple of times so far...Maybe so far so great would be better. =)
So today I was driving home from work, and it was rainy and dreary and everything looked very green. I just felt this well of emotions rise up in me, that I don't really know how to explain. I wish I did have the words, because then later I could look back and go "Oh yeah!! That is exactly how I felt!"
I did think about Amsterdam...I have this pair of black shoes that I bought in Amsterdam. They are just kind of sleek and fashionably functional. They are perfect for walking in the rain. They don't slip on anything wet. Amsterdam is one of those trend setting fashion cities, and there are always crazy things on the street. People go by in crazy outfits with huge, glittery hot-pink mohawks and stuff like that. Then there are a bunch of people that just look like super-models. The thing I remember the most however is just....well, again, the word sleek comes to mind.
Of course, as far as fitness there is that European practice of walking everywhere, and riding your bike. (Plus they have to climb up and down all those obscenely long spiral staircases!) It's not like everyone is super thin either, they just look good. Lots of well dressed, sleek looking people, moving with purpose, side by side with the crazy fasion statement crowd.
At least, that's what is in my memory. I could have made it up. haha.
Ahhh Memories.
Shawn sent me a postcard from back east, and she mentioned being homesick for Europe. It just really is a different world. I really hope I get to go back someday....before something crazy happens...(my fear of which I will not at this time elaborate on)
Well, that's just about all I have to say today. I am living in a strange place at the moment; right between the past and the hopeful future. I am processing.
Here I go to do some more of that...!
Adios!
*For the whole two of you who might have any clue what I am talking about, I am and am not giving up on my lame (very very lame) search, but am very close to offering 50$ to whichever friend can definitively locate the elusive JP. Of course, that is a piddly amount considering the trouble I have gone to already without actually hiring myself a spy. ha. ha. It just sounded good for a moment.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Searching...
Today I got an email from Beth, letting us all know how school is going and whatnot. She mentioned fall, and how this is the time of year where she misses Spokane. It does have a high degree of fall splendour...especially on the south hill in the middle of a forest of Maple trees.....my favorite.
To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it though. I have some nostalgia for the gray weather of this region. An inspirational week in rainy Olympia from way back in the day, and a transformational three months in rainy Amsterdam. Good things have happened for me in gray and rainy places. Perhaps it just gives me a sense of hope. Weird, I know, but there it is.
I was talking to a couple of people this week about my plans and about what I want for my future. Of course, I don't really have a lot of answers to those questions. I am relatively non stressed out by thinking about it though, which is a nice change from days gone by.
For whatever reason memories are flooding back to me and I am sorting through plans long past. I am also sorting through faces in my mind, and for good or bad, find myself searching for people and ideas that were long ago lost to me.
It's been my experience (and certainly not mine alone) that to truly move forward you have to let go of the past. There are a couple of things from my past that keep resurfacing for me, not in any super negative way, but just in terms of being distracting enough that I am starting to think I'm going to have to face them down. I am not completely sure how that will be accomplished, but in one case, there is a person I feel like I need to see. I'm sure all it would take is a brief encounter to lodge our current reality firmly into my brain, but even so, that is easier said than done. What seems simple can also be very complicated.
In any case, it is my attempt to move forward that has me desiring to look the past (good and bad) squarely in the face and say; "Move out of my way." hehe.
So the past couple of days I find myself searching, searching for avenues...onces that I have yet to find. That's where I am, and that's really all there is.
To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it though. I have some nostalgia for the gray weather of this region. An inspirational week in rainy Olympia from way back in the day, and a transformational three months in rainy Amsterdam. Good things have happened for me in gray and rainy places. Perhaps it just gives me a sense of hope. Weird, I know, but there it is.
I was talking to a couple of people this week about my plans and about what I want for my future. Of course, I don't really have a lot of answers to those questions. I am relatively non stressed out by thinking about it though, which is a nice change from days gone by.
For whatever reason memories are flooding back to me and I am sorting through plans long past. I am also sorting through faces in my mind, and for good or bad, find myself searching for people and ideas that were long ago lost to me.
It's been my experience (and certainly not mine alone) that to truly move forward you have to let go of the past. There are a couple of things from my past that keep resurfacing for me, not in any super negative way, but just in terms of being distracting enough that I am starting to think I'm going to have to face them down. I am not completely sure how that will be accomplished, but in one case, there is a person I feel like I need to see. I'm sure all it would take is a brief encounter to lodge our current reality firmly into my brain, but even so, that is easier said than done. What seems simple can also be very complicated.
In any case, it is my attempt to move forward that has me desiring to look the past (good and bad) squarely in the face and say; "Move out of my way." hehe.
So the past couple of days I find myself searching, searching for avenues...onces that I have yet to find. That's where I am, and that's really all there is.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Yeah yeah yeah
Okay, I know that I am a bad little blogger, but there just isn't much to tell, and to be honest, I have just been too busy doing other things to sit here and update.
Work is fine, everyone is nice, so that is a relief. hehe. I am still applying for other jobs, but it's no big emergency.
Today I looked at online programs to get a degree in Homeland Security or something like. They probably cost a gazillion dollars, as do most things pertaining to education...oh well. Anyway, did you know that you can get an AS in homeland security? Crazy. I hate math and science but....maybe I could suck it up. Anyway, it was just one of those things I felt like doing. I really hate school so....who knows. I've never tried doing it online.
Nothing really exciting to share today. It actually sort of rained this morning, which is a first since I've been here, and that only last about ten minutes. It's just been cool and gray ever since then. I actually see blue sky out the window for the first time all day. I like the gray though. =) Okay, maybe in January when I feel depressed I will have changed my mind, but since that has yet to happen I am going with positive thinking.
I spent three months in dreary, cold, windy Amsterdam September through December, and I loved it, so how bad can this place be??? It doesn't even snow here for crying out loud...there are no canals to freeze solid, and the freezing, nearly solid feeling, chill-you-to-your-bones, icey air isn't going to blow in off the north sea. Granted, it might feel colder in downtown Seattle with wind coming in off of Puget Sound, but I am not there, and it's still warmer here than home...just a different kind of cold. More humid.
Speaking of cold, it is chilly here in the basement, and besides, I have things to do so I must away!
Adios!!!
Work is fine, everyone is nice, so that is a relief. hehe. I am still applying for other jobs, but it's no big emergency.
Today I looked at online programs to get a degree in Homeland Security or something like. They probably cost a gazillion dollars, as do most things pertaining to education...oh well. Anyway, did you know that you can get an AS in homeland security? Crazy. I hate math and science but....maybe I could suck it up. Anyway, it was just one of those things I felt like doing. I really hate school so....who knows. I've never tried doing it online.
Nothing really exciting to share today. It actually sort of rained this morning, which is a first since I've been here, and that only last about ten minutes. It's just been cool and gray ever since then. I actually see blue sky out the window for the first time all day. I like the gray though. =) Okay, maybe in January when I feel depressed I will have changed my mind, but since that has yet to happen I am going with positive thinking.
I spent three months in dreary, cold, windy Amsterdam September through December, and I loved it, so how bad can this place be??? It doesn't even snow here for crying out loud...there are no canals to freeze solid, and the freezing, nearly solid feeling, chill-you-to-your-bones, icey air isn't going to blow in off the north sea. Granted, it might feel colder in downtown Seattle with wind coming in off of Puget Sound, but I am not there, and it's still warmer here than home...just a different kind of cold. More humid.
Speaking of cold, it is chilly here in the basement, and besides, I have things to do so I must away!
Adios!!!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
For Nickie
This post isn't about whatever Nickie and I have talked about lately, it's more about my relationship with God, but I thought she'd like to hear, so this post is for her.
I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.
Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"
I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)
Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.
Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!
I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.
Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"
I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)
Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.
Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Federal Way
Well, at last, here I am.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Your Grace Still Amazes Me
(The title is in reference to a Phillips, Craig & Dean song)
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Ahhhh Family.
You just gotta love 'em. Yep. I'm sticking with that.
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
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