Christmas, and its varying emotions

At work we have the Charlie Brown Christmas album, and every time I see it, one of those songs gets stuck in my head. I always remember that my pastor from back home loves that show, and I keep meaning to pick it up.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.

I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.

Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.

I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.

So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.

So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.