~Amsterdam~

It's less like a place to me, and more like a person who has my heart. It keeps pulling on it saying; Come back to me!

It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.

Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.

Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.

The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.

My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.

Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.


Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan