Searching for Meaning...

So yesterday I had an apartment to move into. We were going to sign a year lease. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about signing a year lease, though I can't tell you why. In any case, today I do not have that apartment to move into. I won't go into the details, but I am back to square one. I do have another potential roommate, but I can't move in until April 1st, and ideally, I should be moving the 1st of March. My housemates are awesome, but would really like their house back to themselves, and who can blame them?
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.

Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.

Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.