Okay, most of the time. haha!
Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!
So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)
Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!
My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?
I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)
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1 comment:
hi, amanda. i clicked over from jill's blog. i've been reading your posts off and on for a while, and i really admire your strength and depth. i think what you're saying here is right on: it's important to question our faith, not to doubt it, but to better understand it. and there is a marked difference between having the support and fellowship of friends, and depending on them for your very survival. we need to balance self-sufficiency with community, and it is, at times, a difficult balance to strike. i find myself constantly struggling with it.
as to friends through the internet, it's remarkable how quickly we feel connected to those we've never even met. some of the people i trust most i've only known through words on a screen. and at times, it's easier for me to shout to them across the internet than to talk to my closest friends here. maybe that's why my blog is so open.
thanks for the thinking. :)
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