Well, at last, here I am.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Your Grace Still Amazes Me
(The title is in reference to a Phillips, Craig & Dean song)
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Ahhhh Family.
You just gotta love 'em. Yep. I'm sticking with that.
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
God's Promise for Seattle?
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I found this picture and I really love it. It reminded me of God's promise after the flood.
It makes me think of Mars Hill and their love for the city...their desire to grow and bring more people to know the love of God. It's like Jesus is just reaching down and touching the city of Seattle with his holy finger. Beautiful.
Indescribable!!
"Indescribable
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Reality of Moving
The title probably implies that this entry is about packing, and stress, and all the stuff that goes along with moving, but it's actually not. It's more about the fact that reality hit me today that I am moving...in like five days. I work on Saturday, but the next three days are full of dental appointments, sorting, packing, and seeing everyone I can cram in. Today I worked with several people for the last time, my usual weekday morning crew.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hallelujah
"she sings hallelujah, when all has become nothing
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
September 11th
I told Joe that I was going to post something uplifting after the last entry, but.....Oh well. hehe. :p
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Cold Hard Truth (About me that is)
Ryan and I were having this thought provoking conversation today, and it giving me fuel for blogging. Thus, the following was inspired...(its a long one)
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
Yay for Accomplishment!
I've done it! I have actually packed things!!
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Frustration
I told myself not to blog right now, but here I am anyway. I am not at my most UNemotional right now. Not that I am crazy bouncing off the walls or anything either, but I do have a lot going on. It is possible that I am not then, being my most rational self, but I decided that I really don't care.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I am the blogging Queen
Okay, not reeeaallly. I mean, some people do blog more than me. Joe, for example, always diligently blogging his book reviews, definitely outdoes me. Still, I *do* blog more than my other friends (put together actually) and I cannot let them attempt to outdo me. So take that! Not that I really take this threat seriously (because I don't), but I am blogging anyway just because I can. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Monday, August 14, 2006
Seattle (and Flea!)
I just got home from Seattle a little over an hour ago, and I am pretty darn tired. I did a decent amount of driving today.
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
WWII Memorial
For Ryan's benefit at least, here are a couple pictures of the WWII Memorial. I have some more, but my posting frenzy is over for the night. There are some other pictures below as well.
WWII Memorial...or at least one side of it. Impossible to get the whole thing. One side says Atlantic, and the other Pacific.
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Hopefully this one won't post twice...its the three of us hanging out in Central Park.
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Starry Starry Night
Since I have never bothered to attempt posting pictures, now seemed like as good a time as any. These are just a few that were taken on my New York/DC trip last spring.
(Lookit Joe! Pictures!)
(Lookit Joe! Pictures!)
Mike took this picture of Maribeth and I looking intently at Van Gogh's "Starry Night." (Museum of Modern Art)
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
One Body, Many Parts
I feel like such a crazed person lately. It's been a very strange couple of weeks. The heat didn't really help either. Sometimes I just feel....fuzzy. Like, everything is not as clear as I wish it was. I have so much to do with moving and finding a new job, and I have been working on that, but I just have this weird feeling at times, like everything is stacked against me leaving here. The black pit trying to pull me back in.
There is a small temptation to leave Spokane even before I said I would. Mostly because I am starting to go a little insane. I wish I could say that I was always calm and collected, and that I would act out my plans precisely when I said I would, but honestly, that usually doesn't happen.
Currently I am trying to distract myself from feeling the way I feel. Yesterday I spent a bunch of time with my friend Jan. We went out to lunch, and then we went out to the Elk and drank hard cider on tap in the evening. Yuuuum! I didn't even know you could get the stuff around here, that was the first I had had since Amsterdam. I've also probably been harassing Ryan at work even more than usual.
I'm feeling a little unlike myself this week. I want to just be super motivated and on top of things, and get it all together.
The closer it gets to September, the more I know I need to get out of here. I'm still a little apprehensive about the move, but not because I feel in any way like it's the wrong decision. I'm just not as good at taking care of myself as I wish I was, and as I want everyone to think I am. hehe. There is always that slight possibility I will suck at everything and end up sleeping in my car. =P haha!
Actually, I doubt my friends would let that happen, but you know what I am saying.
So, blog title, reference to this past Sunday's sermon from Mars Hill. It was great. I am actually, surprisingly, really looking forward to getting involved with church again. It's been a good year without, but I am just not as good of a person on my own. Sad, but true. Tonight when I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk I was thinking how nice it was just sitting in church the week before. Oh, and how comforting it is to belong to a group of believers, and not to have to work so hard to spend time with some of them.
I am determined to do some packing tonight...
I have to figure out what is staying here for sure, and what is going to Federal Way since I am not moving everything yet. So...off I go to become caffeinated and get to work.
There is a small temptation to leave Spokane even before I said I would. Mostly because I am starting to go a little insane. I wish I could say that I was always calm and collected, and that I would act out my plans precisely when I said I would, but honestly, that usually doesn't happen.
Currently I am trying to distract myself from feeling the way I feel. Yesterday I spent a bunch of time with my friend Jan. We went out to lunch, and then we went out to the Elk and drank hard cider on tap in the evening. Yuuuum! I didn't even know you could get the stuff around here, that was the first I had had since Amsterdam. I've also probably been harassing Ryan at work even more than usual.
I'm feeling a little unlike myself this week. I want to just be super motivated and on top of things, and get it all together.
The closer it gets to September, the more I know I need to get out of here. I'm still a little apprehensive about the move, but not because I feel in any way like it's the wrong decision. I'm just not as good at taking care of myself as I wish I was, and as I want everyone to think I am. hehe. There is always that slight possibility I will suck at everything and end up sleeping in my car. =P haha!
Actually, I doubt my friends would let that happen, but you know what I am saying.
So, blog title, reference to this past Sunday's sermon from Mars Hill. It was great. I am actually, surprisingly, really looking forward to getting involved with church again. It's been a good year without, but I am just not as good of a person on my own. Sad, but true. Tonight when I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk I was thinking how nice it was just sitting in church the week before. Oh, and how comforting it is to belong to a group of believers, and not to have to work so hard to spend time with some of them.
I am determined to do some packing tonight...
I have to figure out what is staying here for sure, and what is going to Federal Way since I am not moving everything yet. So...off I go to become caffeinated and get to work.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Oh Blessed, blessed wind!!!!
This morning I went out to my car to go to work at about ten after five. I noticed a large mass of clouds off in the east, and it was actually almost windy. Best of all, I had to wear a sweater!
I've been feeling for so long like I am a turkey in the roasting pan, that this day has been sheer bliss. I was at Starbucks standing in the drive-thru window, and the wind was blowing in on me all morning long. Weeeee!!!
Today is supposed to be "work on resume" day, since I need to redo it, but I haven't worked myself up to starting yet. I hate working on my resume. Hate it, hate it! I don't know why I find it such a pain, but I do. I brought myself some coffee home so that my brain could be less fuzzy even.
Last night I went to dinner with some friends, one of whom is leaving for Medical school early tomorrow morning. A couple of old friends names came up, and today as well. Said friends have not bothered to get in touch with me, despite the fact that I have put forth an effort to keep a correspondence going.
I realize that people grow apart, I really do. I just feel....hurt, to be honest. These aren't people who I considered casual aquaintances, but quite good friends. I am more than a little let down to found out that our friendship was so small to them, that they can't even be bothered.
This seems to be a lesson that I keep learning.
At least, I have to say, that it truly makes me appreciate Karla and Becky tremendously, because my relationships with them have really been a two way street over the years. Makes a person feel appreciated once in awhile!!
I just wish they were here!!
Anyway, I am off to try and be responsible and get this resume done, before my sleepiness takes over and I find myself giving into the sirens call of my pillow! =)
I've been feeling for so long like I am a turkey in the roasting pan, that this day has been sheer bliss. I was at Starbucks standing in the drive-thru window, and the wind was blowing in on me all morning long. Weeeee!!!
Today is supposed to be "work on resume" day, since I need to redo it, but I haven't worked myself up to starting yet. I hate working on my resume. Hate it, hate it! I don't know why I find it such a pain, but I do. I brought myself some coffee home so that my brain could be less fuzzy even.
Last night I went to dinner with some friends, one of whom is leaving for Medical school early tomorrow morning. A couple of old friends names came up, and today as well. Said friends have not bothered to get in touch with me, despite the fact that I have put forth an effort to keep a correspondence going.
I realize that people grow apart, I really do. I just feel....hurt, to be honest. These aren't people who I considered casual aquaintances, but quite good friends. I am more than a little let down to found out that our friendship was so small to them, that they can't even be bothered.
This seems to be a lesson that I keep learning.
At least, I have to say, that it truly makes me appreciate Karla and Becky tremendously, because my relationships with them have really been a two way street over the years. Makes a person feel appreciated once in awhile!!
I just wish they were here!!
Anyway, I am off to try and be responsible and get this resume done, before my sleepiness takes over and I find myself giving into the sirens call of my pillow! =)
Saturday, July 08, 2006
It's Like That
I'm in such a weird mood this week. I was just commenting to a friend how I feel like something is off, but I can't put my finger on it. A disturbance in the force if you will. I can't seem to shake it off, and it's really starting to bother me.
I volunteered to pick up a graveyard shift next week, and I hate that I did that, because this week my schedule was just mildly messed up, and it was hard for me to sleep. It will take me a couple of days to recover from that. I'm just not the flexible person I used to be. My body is like....RAWR! STOP THAT! I think I need to be on a regular schedule...and maybe eat more broccoli. hehe.
I have very low patience tonight. It's late, my mom went to a dinner with her mom and sisters, and my nephew isn't cooperating with bedtime.
To top it off, I actually finished this blog, but for some reason it didn't all post, and I couldn't retrieve it. So what I needed.
My family and their constant state of bitchy and yelling is starting to wear me down. When you are here for any length of time you have to develop a thick skin, and I don't love it.
Moving in the fall will be a much needed change.
I desperately need to go to bed now and feel a nice breeze wafting in my window. Eight blessed hours of peace and quiet.
Adios.
I volunteered to pick up a graveyard shift next week, and I hate that I did that, because this week my schedule was just mildly messed up, and it was hard for me to sleep. It will take me a couple of days to recover from that. I'm just not the flexible person I used to be. My body is like....RAWR! STOP THAT! I think I need to be on a regular schedule...and maybe eat more broccoli. hehe.
I have very low patience tonight. It's late, my mom went to a dinner with her mom and sisters, and my nephew isn't cooperating with bedtime.
To top it off, I actually finished this blog, but for some reason it didn't all post, and I couldn't retrieve it. So what I needed.
My family and their constant state of bitchy and yelling is starting to wear me down. When you are here for any length of time you have to develop a thick skin, and I don't love it.
Moving in the fall will be a much needed change.
I desperately need to go to bed now and feel a nice breeze wafting in my window. Eight blessed hours of peace and quiet.
Adios.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tragedy
So I was reading in the news today, the story of this woman who's five month old infant died because it was left in the van all day.
Apparently she thought that she had dropped the child off at daycare, but she had forgotten to do so, and instead it was in her car all day long.
Sorry for calling the baby "it." Frankly it feels callous and horrible, but the news article didn't tell me whether it was a boy or a girl.
So, of course I was appalled when I read this story, and my first reaction was to think "What kind of moron leaves their child in the car all day long without realizing it?"
Now that I have been thinking about it, I have to concede that I have heard some pretty crazy stories from lots of great parents, about having left their kids somewhere, or who knows what.
It has occurred to me, that the real tragedy here, is that our society is so damn busy, and parents have to work so damn hard just to make all the ends meet, that often more important things get neglected.
When you live in a constant state of rush, rush, rush, something like this is bound to happen.
Family values are definitely not the rule of the day anymore.
Even for moms who stay home, friends and playpals often live way across town, and the doctors visits, grocery store runs, and grandma, are usually spread out too. By the time you've reached your last stop, you've spent most of the day running in and out of places with a diaper bag. All I am saying is, parents nerves are already frazzled sometimes. Add to that both parents working full time, and the stress of getting the kids to daycare in the morning without being late....
I don't know.
I know people do it all the time without leaving their infants trapped in the car, all I am saying is, can you really be surprised that it happens?
Maybe I shouldn't be ready to crucify that young mother just yet. Besides, I can't imagine how I'd live with myself if it had been me. She is going to have enough to deal with without my flinging mud at her.
Apparently she thought that she had dropped the child off at daycare, but she had forgotten to do so, and instead it was in her car all day long.
Sorry for calling the baby "it." Frankly it feels callous and horrible, but the news article didn't tell me whether it was a boy or a girl.
So, of course I was appalled when I read this story, and my first reaction was to think "What kind of moron leaves their child in the car all day long without realizing it?"
Now that I have been thinking about it, I have to concede that I have heard some pretty crazy stories from lots of great parents, about having left their kids somewhere, or who knows what.
It has occurred to me, that the real tragedy here, is that our society is so damn busy, and parents have to work so damn hard just to make all the ends meet, that often more important things get neglected.
When you live in a constant state of rush, rush, rush, something like this is bound to happen.
Family values are definitely not the rule of the day anymore.
Even for moms who stay home, friends and playpals often live way across town, and the doctors visits, grocery store runs, and grandma, are usually spread out too. By the time you've reached your last stop, you've spent most of the day running in and out of places with a diaper bag. All I am saying is, parents nerves are already frazzled sometimes. Add to that both parents working full time, and the stress of getting the kids to daycare in the morning without being late....
I don't know.
I know people do it all the time without leaving their infants trapped in the car, all I am saying is, can you really be surprised that it happens?
Maybe I shouldn't be ready to crucify that young mother just yet. Besides, I can't imagine how I'd live with myself if it had been me. She is going to have enough to deal with without my flinging mud at her.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Mars Hill
So recently I decided to look into the churches my friends attend in the Seattle area. Since I am moving over there in the next few months, and I figured that it would take a million years to find a church home, it seemed to make sense to start early.
As anyone might know from reading my blog, I have not been feeling super spiritual lately, and am pretty burnt out from church. I wasn't really expecting to become too interested in anywhere.
The first church I actually checked out online has turned out to also be the last. One of my friends goes to Mars Hill Church in Seattle, and I knew absolutely jack about them so I thought I'd just go read their statement of faith and their doctrine. Not only did I find it solid, and inline with my own, I was also particularly struck by what they said about spiritual gifts. The reason this stands out to me is probably because I come from a charismatic background and there are just way too many christians who are ready to haul you back into the baptismal in their zeal for you to speak in tongues. They just can't seem to let it go, and it becomes this huge issue. Pretty soon you start to doubt yourself; Is something wrong with me? The bible doesn't say anywhere that you have to speak in tongues to be spirit filled, and it's nice to read right upfront in the church doctrine that they acknowledge that and noone there is going to cram it down your throat or try to drown you in annointing oil. =) (Because I wouldn't like that very much!)
So then I discovered that the pastor had a blog and I read a few entries, which I thoroughly enjoyed. After that I discovered that there was a book he had written discussing missiology and the journey of starting the church along with subsequent stages of growth.
Now, lately anything sounding "christianese" has turned me off completely. I wasn't sure if I would get into it right away, but I totally did. It was funny, it was engaging, and it was relevant. In fact, in the beginning I laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face, and then later on when it got a little more serious I was moved almost to tears again, but this time not by humor, by the statement of mission.
Lance and Phil (two old friends and leaders of mine) used to tell us all the time; "Make a mission statement!" I remember that early on I didn't really know how to go about doing that. I was young, and I wasn't sure what exactly my mission was.
Over time I have learned over and over what my mission definitely is not.
My mission is definitely not to hang out in church all the time. My mission is not to attend as many prayer meetings at possible. My mission is not to become perfect and expect other people to live up to my own unreasonable expectations.
I have learned that certain things have become important to me, more than they were before.
1. Being real. We all sin. We all suck. We are all broken and battered and imperfect, and this is the reality of our condition, so why am I trying to act otherwise?
2. Being relevant. Since we ALL share this condition, that means that whatever Jesus has to say to me, He also has to say to everyone else. I may hang out in a church, but everyone else does not, and they still need to be exposed to the truth of what I know. How is that going to happen if me, and people like me, are all stowed away in some dank church basement?
Of course, some would argue that simply being out in the work force somewhere is evangelical enough, but I have worked at jobs where I barely got to know the people I worked with, until our supervisor invited everyone out to have a beer. I went. There was no drunkeness or anything like that. It was just a chill time of me getting to know people in a place where they felt comfortable, which was not our job, and was not my church.
I have never been able to rationalize how that could be wrong, and believe me, I have tried, because that is what I was being told time and time again.
3. You gotta move. This is essentially just an extension of #2. You have to be willing to go to where people are. You can't keep sitting in your pew expecting them to come to you. They won't. They aren't saved!!! Unsaved people don't typically hang out in church. Go figure.
I have never witnessed to someone in church. Maybe you have, I don't know. I have witnessed to people that I knew from work that I was hanging out with after hours. I have witnessed to people I had in college classes who I was spending time with studying and whatnot....In other words, people that I spent time with, and not just because I had to.
I learned through church that I don't find life without these opportunities. I don't see people as numbers. I make friends with them, and then I see them as friends who I break my heart over. Sharing the gospel comes out of this. Loving God, and knowing and loving people.
So I want to make friends and hang out with them. At their house where they have a lot of pornos, or at the bar, or wandering around in the park at night. (Of course, my desire to do this kind of freaked out some of my previous leadership. It didn't go over so well. Especially the bar part. Bars are evil and should be avoided at all costs.)
That was a long ramble (as usual) to say that the mission of this church is to reach people. Not to play church. Not to have Bible studies only for ourselves (although those are nice too) Not to sugar coat every sermon because we are too tender to deal with reality (Which is still bombarding us through media everyday). To be real. To be raw. To be relevant.
Lots of churches say they want to be, but they keep doing the same old musty traditions days after day. They just keep talking, and the church just keeps dying. Sometimes you have to be willing to shake things up a bit, and that is the kind of christian I want to be.
I wasn't expecting this to happen at all, but I have been moved despite myself. I feel like somebody is saying what I have been feeling all this time. I feel....empowered by it, and convicted by it. Today I listened to a whole podcast sermon about Idolatry, and I wasn't at all turned off by any of it. I was convicted. It hit me where I live. That is what I want.
I don't want to be bored in church. I want my gut to wrench. I don't want to take a nap. I want to be challenged.
As usual I could go on and on, but instead let me end by saying that I am pretty excited about this church, although it is all sudden and amazes me. I guess you just never know what might be waiting around the bend. For me it might just be that home in Seattle after all.
As anyone might know from reading my blog, I have not been feeling super spiritual lately, and am pretty burnt out from church. I wasn't really expecting to become too interested in anywhere.
The first church I actually checked out online has turned out to also be the last. One of my friends goes to Mars Hill Church in Seattle, and I knew absolutely jack about them so I thought I'd just go read their statement of faith and their doctrine. Not only did I find it solid, and inline with my own, I was also particularly struck by what they said about spiritual gifts. The reason this stands out to me is probably because I come from a charismatic background and there are just way too many christians who are ready to haul you back into the baptismal in their zeal for you to speak in tongues. They just can't seem to let it go, and it becomes this huge issue. Pretty soon you start to doubt yourself; Is something wrong with me? The bible doesn't say anywhere that you have to speak in tongues to be spirit filled, and it's nice to read right upfront in the church doctrine that they acknowledge that and noone there is going to cram it down your throat or try to drown you in annointing oil. =) (Because I wouldn't like that very much!)
So then I discovered that the pastor had a blog and I read a few entries, which I thoroughly enjoyed. After that I discovered that there was a book he had written discussing missiology and the journey of starting the church along with subsequent stages of growth.
Now, lately anything sounding "christianese" has turned me off completely. I wasn't sure if I would get into it right away, but I totally did. It was funny, it was engaging, and it was relevant. In fact, in the beginning I laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face, and then later on when it got a little more serious I was moved almost to tears again, but this time not by humor, by the statement of mission.
Lance and Phil (two old friends and leaders of mine) used to tell us all the time; "Make a mission statement!" I remember that early on I didn't really know how to go about doing that. I was young, and I wasn't sure what exactly my mission was.
Over time I have learned over and over what my mission definitely is not.
My mission is definitely not to hang out in church all the time. My mission is not to attend as many prayer meetings at possible. My mission is not to become perfect and expect other people to live up to my own unreasonable expectations.
I have learned that certain things have become important to me, more than they were before.
1. Being real. We all sin. We all suck. We are all broken and battered and imperfect, and this is the reality of our condition, so why am I trying to act otherwise?
2. Being relevant. Since we ALL share this condition, that means that whatever Jesus has to say to me, He also has to say to everyone else. I may hang out in a church, but everyone else does not, and they still need to be exposed to the truth of what I know. How is that going to happen if me, and people like me, are all stowed away in some dank church basement?
Of course, some would argue that simply being out in the work force somewhere is evangelical enough, but I have worked at jobs where I barely got to know the people I worked with, until our supervisor invited everyone out to have a beer. I went. There was no drunkeness or anything like that. It was just a chill time of me getting to know people in a place where they felt comfortable, which was not our job, and was not my church.
I have never been able to rationalize how that could be wrong, and believe me, I have tried, because that is what I was being told time and time again.
3. You gotta move. This is essentially just an extension of #2. You have to be willing to go to where people are. You can't keep sitting in your pew expecting them to come to you. They won't. They aren't saved!!! Unsaved people don't typically hang out in church. Go figure.
I have never witnessed to someone in church. Maybe you have, I don't know. I have witnessed to people that I knew from work that I was hanging out with after hours. I have witnessed to people I had in college classes who I was spending time with studying and whatnot....In other words, people that I spent time with, and not just because I had to.
I learned through church that I don't find life without these opportunities. I don't see people as numbers. I make friends with them, and then I see them as friends who I break my heart over. Sharing the gospel comes out of this. Loving God, and knowing and loving people.
So I want to make friends and hang out with them. At their house where they have a lot of pornos, or at the bar, or wandering around in the park at night. (Of course, my desire to do this kind of freaked out some of my previous leadership. It didn't go over so well. Especially the bar part. Bars are evil and should be avoided at all costs.)
That was a long ramble (as usual) to say that the mission of this church is to reach people. Not to play church. Not to have Bible studies only for ourselves (although those are nice too) Not to sugar coat every sermon because we are too tender to deal with reality (Which is still bombarding us through media everyday). To be real. To be raw. To be relevant.
Lots of churches say they want to be, but they keep doing the same old musty traditions days after day. They just keep talking, and the church just keeps dying. Sometimes you have to be willing to shake things up a bit, and that is the kind of christian I want to be.
I wasn't expecting this to happen at all, but I have been moved despite myself. I feel like somebody is saying what I have been feeling all this time. I feel....empowered by it, and convicted by it. Today I listened to a whole podcast sermon about Idolatry, and I wasn't at all turned off by any of it. I was convicted. It hit me where I live. That is what I want.
I don't want to be bored in church. I want my gut to wrench. I don't want to take a nap. I want to be challenged.
As usual I could go on and on, but instead let me end by saying that I am pretty excited about this church, although it is all sudden and amazes me. I guess you just never know what might be waiting around the bend. For me it might just be that home in Seattle after all.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Fun, Food, Friends
If I never eat out again, I think I could die happy. haha. Alright, I am kidding, but seriously, I have eaten out so many times in the last five days. In fact, I thought it was over until a really good friend of mine called me this morning to see if she could take me out for a late birthday lunch. I dearly love to spend time with her and we had fun, but we ate chinese food and now I feel like a big lump of dough. haha!
This weekend was a blast. I went to dinner with a bunch of friends, followed by games and merriment. It was great. After all of that excitement I spent a pretty chill weekend at Lance & Jeni's who spoil me far more than I deserve. It was nice though. Nice to have a couple of days off and relax with people you love.
My flight home was delayed on Sunday night, and I ended up not getting home until midnight. The problem was that I had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work. Ugh. It was pretty brutal but somehow I survived.
My schedule has been whacked out of shape a little though. I feel drowsy and I haven't been able to shake it. Coffee hasn't quite cleared the cobwebs yet. I'm hoping that I will snap out of it.
In any case, it was great to see everyone, I had a lot of fun, and I hope I can get back over there to do something like that again. Woo hoo!
This weekend was a blast. I went to dinner with a bunch of friends, followed by games and merriment. It was great. After all of that excitement I spent a pretty chill weekend at Lance & Jeni's who spoil me far more than I deserve. It was nice though. Nice to have a couple of days off and relax with people you love.
My flight home was delayed on Sunday night, and I ended up not getting home until midnight. The problem was that I had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work. Ugh. It was pretty brutal but somehow I survived.
My schedule has been whacked out of shape a little though. I feel drowsy and I haven't been able to shake it. Coffee hasn't quite cleared the cobwebs yet. I'm hoping that I will snap out of it.
In any case, it was great to see everyone, I had a lot of fun, and I hope I can get back over there to do something like that again. Woo hoo!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
RAWR!!!!!!!!!!
*Sigh*
I knew that this kind of thing would eventually happen, but for some reason I felt like it would be a little further into the future. I guess you can never know.
Life happens in seasons. For the most part I am a fairly social being. High school for me was a mostly social experience. I got involved in the first church I went to after graduation because my friend dragged me there. I did eventually "stick" in a church because of a little more than relationship, but let's face it, it is a largely motivating factor.
For a season now though, I haven't been doing the mega social thing. I have gotten a lot more introverted over the years. Not always, but I definitely enjoy my personal time in a way that I never used to.
Lately I spend a pretty decent amount of time on my own. I like it this way. After leaving my church I felt like I needed a time of just remembering who I was apart from all of that. Outside of leadership and whatnot.
Eventually, I will feel the pull to be back in church. God will nudge me and I will go. I will want to go.
Eventually I will feel the need to be more social and to leave my comfort zone more often, and to have more stimulating conversations.
Well, the latter, at least, is happening.
I was so frustrated today and at first I just didn't get why, until I realized that I am completely bored. Not bored as in, there is nothing to do exactly. I mean, there is always something to do. In fact, I could clean my mom's house. She would love that. hehe.
What I mean is, that I have read lots of books this year, and I have filled my brain up with things, but its not the same as actually communicating with other people.
Currently, almost all of the people that I talk to on any sort of regular basis, are in the Seattle area, Texas, or Minnesota. And God bless all of you, because you are great, and I value those communications. I believe however, that I am starting to go through actual people withdrawal.
Email conversations are great. They definitely have their place. Good thing too, or I would never hear from Shawn, Joe, Trish, or Karla. I never would have even started talking to Ryan or Nickie. Lisa, Becky and Mel I at least talk to on the phone, (and I don't even love talking on the phone) but you know...
I just want friends that I get to see in person.
Wouldn't it be nice if my nerdy friends were busting down my door over who gets to go with me to see X-Men this weekend? lol. I mean, I will probably go with Brad and Jeanine, who ARE the coolest people in the known world but still, I think you get my meaning.
I have been so content, and now it is getting all wrecked, and making me want to move sooner so that I can go to dinner with Jeni once in awhile, and reconnect with Becky & Kari, and see Mel and....Grr. I think you get the picture.
I am going to Europe in the fall though, and this is important for more than getting to see the Green shores of Ireland. I miss Shawn dreadfully. I haven't seen her in almost nine years. I miss Karla too. I want to take the opportunity to see them while I can, plus I want to get out of debt, plus I need to save money for the move. I need a little time ya know?! =P So I can't move sooner and I just need to deal with it!!!!!!!!!!! So again with the RAWR!!
Such is life.
I knew that this kind of thing would eventually happen, but for some reason I felt like it would be a little further into the future. I guess you can never know.
Life happens in seasons. For the most part I am a fairly social being. High school for me was a mostly social experience. I got involved in the first church I went to after graduation because my friend dragged me there. I did eventually "stick" in a church because of a little more than relationship, but let's face it, it is a largely motivating factor.
For a season now though, I haven't been doing the mega social thing. I have gotten a lot more introverted over the years. Not always, but I definitely enjoy my personal time in a way that I never used to.
Lately I spend a pretty decent amount of time on my own. I like it this way. After leaving my church I felt like I needed a time of just remembering who I was apart from all of that. Outside of leadership and whatnot.
Eventually, I will feel the pull to be back in church. God will nudge me and I will go. I will want to go.
Eventually I will feel the need to be more social and to leave my comfort zone more often, and to have more stimulating conversations.
Well, the latter, at least, is happening.
I was so frustrated today and at first I just didn't get why, until I realized that I am completely bored. Not bored as in, there is nothing to do exactly. I mean, there is always something to do. In fact, I could clean my mom's house. She would love that. hehe.
What I mean is, that I have read lots of books this year, and I have filled my brain up with things, but its not the same as actually communicating with other people.
Currently, almost all of the people that I talk to on any sort of regular basis, are in the Seattle area, Texas, or Minnesota. And God bless all of you, because you are great, and I value those communications. I believe however, that I am starting to go through actual people withdrawal.
Email conversations are great. They definitely have their place. Good thing too, or I would never hear from Shawn, Joe, Trish, or Karla. I never would have even started talking to Ryan or Nickie. Lisa, Becky and Mel I at least talk to on the phone, (and I don't even love talking on the phone) but you know...
I just want friends that I get to see in person.
Wouldn't it be nice if my nerdy friends were busting down my door over who gets to go with me to see X-Men this weekend? lol. I mean, I will probably go with Brad and Jeanine, who ARE the coolest people in the known world but still, I think you get my meaning.
I have been so content, and now it is getting all wrecked, and making me want to move sooner so that I can go to dinner with Jeni once in awhile, and reconnect with Becky & Kari, and see Mel and....Grr. I think you get the picture.
I am going to Europe in the fall though, and this is important for more than getting to see the Green shores of Ireland. I miss Shawn dreadfully. I haven't seen her in almost nine years. I miss Karla too. I want to take the opportunity to see them while I can, plus I want to get out of debt, plus I need to save money for the move. I need a little time ya know?! =P So I can't move sooner and I just need to deal with it!!!!!!!!!!! So again with the RAWR!!
Such is life.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Hot Dogs and Pine Trees
Last night I had a lot on my mind. It was stressing me out a little, and that annoyed me, so I decided to go for a drive and take my mind off of it...or something. =) I used to go for drives all the time. It was my way of getting away, having quiet time to think, or sometimes just because I enjoyed it.
So last night I drove up to the lodge at Mnt. Spokane. It's really not that far from home. I just drove up and drove back down. It was raining a little bit on the mountain, and it smelled so good up there. Sooo good. I love the smell of pine, and everything smells good right after it rains. Plus, I could smell wood smoke, and it reminded me of camping. I love camping.
I love sitting around the campfire until too late at night, and then getting up too early in the morning because the birds and chirping, the bugs are buzzing, and some fool morning person is making coffee, which you can smell; and finally you just can't take it anymore, and you have to get up!! Ha ha ha!!!!
I am turning 30 this year, and one of my best friends, Jeanine, who is like my surrogate big sister, is turning 40. So we decided that to celebrate, we are going to go camping this summer.
I like to catch my marshmallows on fire...and everyone that does that knows exactly what I mean. =) In fact, I like to blacken hot dogs as well. Maybe I'm just a pyromaniac?? =P
I've been blogging kind of a lot lately. Lots of random things. I decided to enjoy it while I can, because sometimes I just stop for no reason, and that makes me crazy. I mean, I can discipline myself to do it, but I consider it more of an enjoyment than a discipline. I do discipline myself more to write in my handwritten journal, but the blog I usually only update when I feel inspired to do so, which sometimes is a lot, and other times is not so often. Of course, when I go back and there is an entire month where I haven't written a blog at all I just Grrr and shake my head in frustration. =P
I think part of the reason I have been blogging more is because of my work schedule. I am pretty close to loving it, which I NEVER thought I would say about such an early morning shift. However, I get home pretty early in the day, and usually either noone is home, or at least the house is pretty quiet. So, I like to sit down and check my email, talk to people online, write my blog or whatever. I have quiet time to think a little. It's fabulous. It even pays for having to try to go to bed so early, which I don't always do actually. Naps are the wellspring of my life. =) It's all good though.
So last night I drove up to the lodge at Mnt. Spokane. It's really not that far from home. I just drove up and drove back down. It was raining a little bit on the mountain, and it smelled so good up there. Sooo good. I love the smell of pine, and everything smells good right after it rains. Plus, I could smell wood smoke, and it reminded me of camping. I love camping.
I love sitting around the campfire until too late at night, and then getting up too early in the morning because the birds and chirping, the bugs are buzzing, and some fool morning person is making coffee, which you can smell; and finally you just can't take it anymore, and you have to get up!! Ha ha ha!!!!
I am turning 30 this year, and one of my best friends, Jeanine, who is like my surrogate big sister, is turning 40. So we decided that to celebrate, we are going to go camping this summer.
I like to catch my marshmallows on fire...and everyone that does that knows exactly what I mean. =) In fact, I like to blacken hot dogs as well. Maybe I'm just a pyromaniac?? =P
I've been blogging kind of a lot lately. Lots of random things. I decided to enjoy it while I can, because sometimes I just stop for no reason, and that makes me crazy. I mean, I can discipline myself to do it, but I consider it more of an enjoyment than a discipline. I do discipline myself more to write in my handwritten journal, but the blog I usually only update when I feel inspired to do so, which sometimes is a lot, and other times is not so often. Of course, when I go back and there is an entire month where I haven't written a blog at all I just Grrr and shake my head in frustration. =P
I think part of the reason I have been blogging more is because of my work schedule. I am pretty close to loving it, which I NEVER thought I would say about such an early morning shift. However, I get home pretty early in the day, and usually either noone is home, or at least the house is pretty quiet. So, I like to sit down and check my email, talk to people online, write my blog or whatever. I have quiet time to think a little. It's fabulous. It even pays for having to try to go to bed so early, which I don't always do actually. Naps are the wellspring of my life. =) It's all good though.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Stephanie Doell
As I was writing my last post, I was reminded of these awesome late night chats I used to have online with Steph. We would always end up talking about something that I didn't have any answers for. I got so much out of those talks. I grew so much through them. I miss them. I felt myself being stretched all the time, and I love that honesty that always existed in our friendship.
Don't know if she'll read this, since I don't catch her often anymore, but I know she's out there somewhere.
God always used those talks to show me stuff, and to bring things out of me that I didn't know were in there. Plus, Steph is just so funny, and such a sweet fabulous friend.
Bless you girl, wherever you are.
I miss you!
Don't know if she'll read this, since I don't catch her often anymore, but I know she's out there somewhere.
God always used those talks to show me stuff, and to bring things out of me that I didn't know were in there. Plus, Steph is just so funny, and such a sweet fabulous friend.
Bless you girl, wherever you are.
I miss you!
Hope.
Hebrews 12:1- Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I got an email today from a girl I met in Montana when I was working with Youth With A Mission. Six months ago, while working in Thailand, she was in a motorcycle/bus accident. She ended up under the bus. Luckily she was spared what could have been fatal injuries. She did, however, shatter the bones in one of her feet and has just started walking for the first time since. I am always so impressed by her attitude. It is so good.
So anyway, she sent out this long email and in it she quoted these couple of scriptures.
This really has nothing to do with her accident, but I just wanted to say God bless her for keeping such high spirits.
The scriptures that she quoted moved something in me. I have to say, that this was for the first time in a long time.
I belonged to an Inductive Bible study for about three years, and at least half of that time I was *officially* part of the leadership team. It was a great Bible study. I had really wanted to learn it, and I really enjoyed teaching it. At least, at first.
Without pointing any fingers, or bringing anyone else into my feelings, let me just say that I felt more and more trapped all the time. The best way I can explain it is to say that I felt like I was in this box, and there weren't any cracks for air. I was starting to feel suffocated. It's important to say that this had been growing in me for some time, but was solidified during this period of time.
All of us have different personalities, and distinct gifts that we have been given. So, I find myself still trying to determine whether or not I just wasn't in a place where I was flourishing in mine. I had worked in leadership for several years before this time. All I can say for sure is that I learned something very important during this phase of my life. Maybe this is something that should be true for all of us, I tend to think so.
My faith needs feet. I can live inside a nice christian bubble, I can go to church four nights a week, and I can cram in every prayer meeting possible, but to be honest, these aren't the things that build my faith, or burn inside my heart. The things that teach me are numerous and varied.
When I am at work, and there is just that one coworker who is so darn mean to everyone, and I show them the most genuine kindness that I can muster.
When the bills are piling up, and I don't know where all the money is going to come from, but I still pull out that ten percent before anything else, because I have the faith that God always stretches it out.
All the times when I show restraint with my temper, or when I show mercy to someone who really doesn't deserve it, or when I feel like cursing God And instead I just cry out to Him.
Just life. Just living it.
I feel like I was kind of hiding for a long long time, and the people closest to me were helping me do it.
Since I didn't date, I really don't have to deal with the kind of pressure that potentially goes along with that, the temptation or whatever else.
Since I didn't have any non-christian friends, I don't have to decide what I would do if one of them put me in a compromising position, or if one of them asked me a question I couldn't answer about the Bible or Christianity.
Since someone in church was always ready to pick me up, ultimately God didn't always have to, and I stopped relying on Him, and started relying on them.
It's very tempting as leadership, to try and control people. You know, sin scares us. We don't want to fall into it. We don't want to make mistakes. So we try to avoid it, and we try to get the people around us to avoid it. Now, of course there is something biblical in "avoiding temptation," but I am talking about disengaging to a more extreme extent.
The problem is, you can't control people, and if you wield that kind of extreme control, you might as well be waiting for an eventual revolution. Essentially, this is what happened with me. I finally revolted. I couldn't stand it anymore. If God has grace for me, why can't I have grace for me?? Why can't you have grace for me?? In high school, I was the one who wasn't drinking and wasn't doing drugs, and wasn't sleeping around, and I was making wise decisions without someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to have a positive effect on my friends and I didn't have a holier than thou attitude, because I didn't know I was really being very good. haha. I thought I was just one of them!!!
So here I am in my late 20's, and I have all these voices telling me which of my decisions are right and which are wrong, and oh so many are wrong. There are all these voices except for the one important voice, that still soft voice of God that I heard before I ever knew that I was hearing it. Acting on it before I even realized He was whispering in my ear.
People need to experience this for themselves. They need to make mistakes sometimes to experience grace. If we don't allow them the freedom to do that, we are stunting their spiritual growth. It's just like with your kids, there is only so much that you can shelter them from! If you try to keep people that sheltered, they are never going to know how to live in the real world, and this was me. I *forgot* how to live in the real world.
I think I am figuring it out again, but to be honest it is a slow and sometimes painful process, and usually scary.
Luckily I have the most solid and down to earth friends spread around out there, that even though I left my bible study, and church for the time being, I was able to just spread my feelers out and connect again with those roots that give me strength in healthy ways.
I don't want anyone to think that I am bashing church, because I am not. What I am going through, and have gone through, anyone could fall into, and many people do, but lots of people also don't. I allowed people to have more authority in my life than what I should have given them. I handed some things over too easily. I let other people become the voice of God for me. Ultimately, I accept responsibility for that, although for many reasons I still needed to separate myself from the atmosphere I was in. Sometimes a change will do you good ( As Sheryl Crowe so readily advises. hehe).
I've felt pretty numb in a lot of ways. A little bitter. A lot dissapointed. I know that some of the things I am going through are very needed, but that doesn't make them fun, and it sure doesn't make me feel very spiritual. I am not in the best place with God that I have ever been, but I am trying to let healing happen naturally without trying to force the process.
So today when I read that scripture and this tiny bead of inspiration jumped into my heart, I was so blessed. I felt...relieved. Like, maybe there's still hope in there after all. Maybe my heart is not so hard after all.
I am really glad about that, because the only thing I ever wanted was to know Him, and to walk closely with Him all the days of my life.
Romans 8:37-39- But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I got an email today from a girl I met in Montana when I was working with Youth With A Mission. Six months ago, while working in Thailand, she was in a motorcycle/bus accident. She ended up under the bus. Luckily she was spared what could have been fatal injuries. She did, however, shatter the bones in one of her feet and has just started walking for the first time since. I am always so impressed by her attitude. It is so good.
So anyway, she sent out this long email and in it she quoted these couple of scriptures.
This really has nothing to do with her accident, but I just wanted to say God bless her for keeping such high spirits.
The scriptures that she quoted moved something in me. I have to say, that this was for the first time in a long time.
I belonged to an Inductive Bible study for about three years, and at least half of that time I was *officially* part of the leadership team. It was a great Bible study. I had really wanted to learn it, and I really enjoyed teaching it. At least, at first.
Without pointing any fingers, or bringing anyone else into my feelings, let me just say that I felt more and more trapped all the time. The best way I can explain it is to say that I felt like I was in this box, and there weren't any cracks for air. I was starting to feel suffocated. It's important to say that this had been growing in me for some time, but was solidified during this period of time.
All of us have different personalities, and distinct gifts that we have been given. So, I find myself still trying to determine whether or not I just wasn't in a place where I was flourishing in mine. I had worked in leadership for several years before this time. All I can say for sure is that I learned something very important during this phase of my life. Maybe this is something that should be true for all of us, I tend to think so.
My faith needs feet. I can live inside a nice christian bubble, I can go to church four nights a week, and I can cram in every prayer meeting possible, but to be honest, these aren't the things that build my faith, or burn inside my heart. The things that teach me are numerous and varied.
When I am at work, and there is just that one coworker who is so darn mean to everyone, and I show them the most genuine kindness that I can muster.
When the bills are piling up, and I don't know where all the money is going to come from, but I still pull out that ten percent before anything else, because I have the faith that God always stretches it out.
All the times when I show restraint with my temper, or when I show mercy to someone who really doesn't deserve it, or when I feel like cursing God And instead I just cry out to Him.
Just life. Just living it.
I feel like I was kind of hiding for a long long time, and the people closest to me were helping me do it.
Since I didn't date, I really don't have to deal with the kind of pressure that potentially goes along with that, the temptation or whatever else.
Since I didn't have any non-christian friends, I don't have to decide what I would do if one of them put me in a compromising position, or if one of them asked me a question I couldn't answer about the Bible or Christianity.
Since someone in church was always ready to pick me up, ultimately God didn't always have to, and I stopped relying on Him, and started relying on them.
It's very tempting as leadership, to try and control people. You know, sin scares us. We don't want to fall into it. We don't want to make mistakes. So we try to avoid it, and we try to get the people around us to avoid it. Now, of course there is something biblical in "avoiding temptation," but I am talking about disengaging to a more extreme extent.
The problem is, you can't control people, and if you wield that kind of extreme control, you might as well be waiting for an eventual revolution. Essentially, this is what happened with me. I finally revolted. I couldn't stand it anymore. If God has grace for me, why can't I have grace for me?? Why can't you have grace for me?? In high school, I was the one who wasn't drinking and wasn't doing drugs, and wasn't sleeping around, and I was making wise decisions without someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to have a positive effect on my friends and I didn't have a holier than thou attitude, because I didn't know I was really being very good. haha. I thought I was just one of them!!!
So here I am in my late 20's, and I have all these voices telling me which of my decisions are right and which are wrong, and oh so many are wrong. There are all these voices except for the one important voice, that still soft voice of God that I heard before I ever knew that I was hearing it. Acting on it before I even realized He was whispering in my ear.
People need to experience this for themselves. They need to make mistakes sometimes to experience grace. If we don't allow them the freedom to do that, we are stunting their spiritual growth. It's just like with your kids, there is only so much that you can shelter them from! If you try to keep people that sheltered, they are never going to know how to live in the real world, and this was me. I *forgot* how to live in the real world.
I think I am figuring it out again, but to be honest it is a slow and sometimes painful process, and usually scary.
Luckily I have the most solid and down to earth friends spread around out there, that even though I left my bible study, and church for the time being, I was able to just spread my feelers out and connect again with those roots that give me strength in healthy ways.
I don't want anyone to think that I am bashing church, because I am not. What I am going through, and have gone through, anyone could fall into, and many people do, but lots of people also don't. I allowed people to have more authority in my life than what I should have given them. I handed some things over too easily. I let other people become the voice of God for me. Ultimately, I accept responsibility for that, although for many reasons I still needed to separate myself from the atmosphere I was in. Sometimes a change will do you good ( As Sheryl Crowe so readily advises. hehe).
I've felt pretty numb in a lot of ways. A little bitter. A lot dissapointed. I know that some of the things I am going through are very needed, but that doesn't make them fun, and it sure doesn't make me feel very spiritual. I am not in the best place with God that I have ever been, but I am trying to let healing happen naturally without trying to force the process.
So today when I read that scripture and this tiny bead of inspiration jumped into my heart, I was so blessed. I felt...relieved. Like, maybe there's still hope in there after all. Maybe my heart is not so hard after all.
I am really glad about that, because the only thing I ever wanted was to know Him, and to walk closely with Him all the days of my life.
Romans 8:37-39- But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Water Wonderland
So this evening I was watching my nephew take his first dip in the backyard kiddie pool. It's in the lower 90's outside, but that pool was just filled and you know that water is an icy 38 degrees. hehe. He just jumped in without even a shiver!!!
The sprinkler was going, and the sun was shining, and I was reminded of those childhood days gone by, when we would laugh and run through the sprinkler, splash the kiddie pool water on each other, squirt someone with the hose. Possibly, someone would even bring out the slip and slide.
These neighbors of ours had these things called water weenies. I never saw them anywhere else, but they were HOURS of entertainment for the kids in my neighborhood!!!
Oh, and who can forget good old water balloons!!!
My favorite water memory is from grade school. Third grade I think, when I still went to Shiloh Hills. On the last day of school, they would do these games out on the playground and in the grass and whatnot. So in one of the games you would have this team of like...eight people or something. You would all stand in this single file line, with a huge tub of water at the front, and a small empty bucket at the back. the first person in line held a coffee can with tons of little holes in the bottom. So, the goal was to fill the coffee can with water from the tub, and pass it over everyones heads, dumping whatever was left into the bucket at the rear of the line. First team to fill that bucket wins. Everyone gets wet. Everyone is screaming and passing that can as fast as possible. It was third grade bliss.
It's hard to even imagine a time when life was so good. Not that life is all that bad right now, but you know what I mean. Now there is work, and bills, and all the responsibilities that come with being an adult....which I have tried desperately to avoid but its just not working!!! haha!
Summer sunshine can be such fun!
The sprinkler was going, and the sun was shining, and I was reminded of those childhood days gone by, when we would laugh and run through the sprinkler, splash the kiddie pool water on each other, squirt someone with the hose. Possibly, someone would even bring out the slip and slide.
These neighbors of ours had these things called water weenies. I never saw them anywhere else, but they were HOURS of entertainment for the kids in my neighborhood!!!
Oh, and who can forget good old water balloons!!!
My favorite water memory is from grade school. Third grade I think, when I still went to Shiloh Hills. On the last day of school, they would do these games out on the playground and in the grass and whatnot. So in one of the games you would have this team of like...eight people or something. You would all stand in this single file line, with a huge tub of water at the front, and a small empty bucket at the back. the first person in line held a coffee can with tons of little holes in the bottom. So, the goal was to fill the coffee can with water from the tub, and pass it over everyones heads, dumping whatever was left into the bucket at the rear of the line. First team to fill that bucket wins. Everyone gets wet. Everyone is screaming and passing that can as fast as possible. It was third grade bliss.
It's hard to even imagine a time when life was so good. Not that life is all that bad right now, but you know what I mean. Now there is work, and bills, and all the responsibilities that come with being an adult....which I have tried desperately to avoid but its just not working!!! haha!
Summer sunshine can be such fun!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Mother India
"Father God, you have shed your tears for mother India
They have fallen to water, ancient seas...
that will grow, into hands that touch the untouchable....
How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak.
Father forgive me for I have not believed
like mother India I've groaned and grieved.
Father forgive me, I forgot your grace.
Your spirit falls on India... capture me in your embrace."
Early last spring my friend Maribeth made me listen to this Caedmons Call cd called "Share the Well." I like the band anyway, so I didn't need to be talked into it. It's compiled of a bunch of songs that they wrote while traveling to India, Brazil, and Ecuador. They wanted to include a lot of the traditional music from those places. It is a fabulous cd, and these lyrics are from a song called ...can you guess it? Mother India. I cried the first five times I heard this song. Not just because it's a good song, but because it really touched my heart. It brought back a lot of memories from my time in India, and the people that we met there.
I really think that there were people on our team who were much more involved than I was. The residual impact for me personally though...well, it was tremendous.
So the other day I was working at this little coffee kiosk I do about once or twice a week. We weren't busy at all. I was just kind of kicking back. This Indian family came up and ordered a bunch of coffees and planted themselves at the tables we have out. There were there for awhile, so when I had a chance I went over and asked them where they were from. We had a great chat. It was so cool! They were from Hyderabad, and I know where that is. They were all excited to hear that I had spent three months in their country. We talked about the differences in culture. One of the things that stood out to the mother, at least, was how far spaced out we are. She said, in India if you are sick or something, your neighbors are there helping, cooking the food an whatever. Here, you are hiding in your house, and your neighbors are behind their door and they are not coming out.
It was so interesting to talk to them! The father's accent was *much* harder to understand than the mothers was. Apparently their son lives in Pullman, Washington where he went to school, and then moved. They were taking a little road trip before going home.
After they left I just felt the tears well up in my eyes as these memories and feelings rushed over me. The impact my DTS had on me, its hard to put into words.
I had this moment where I just felt like...."Wow, I need to go back." =P
Not back to India neccesarily, although I would be okay with that now (I wouldn't have been at first), but anywhere. To YWAM.
Maybe you'll laugh, but I had this thought that maybe if I married a non-YWAMer, I could do another DTS. lol. I mean, he would never have done one right? So we could do one together. It would be fantastic. =p
I was thinking...how differently would I see things now than I did when I was 22??
To be honest, I am trying to remember who that girl was who first went to YWAM, and I wish that I could get in touch with that kind of fresh faith that I had back then. Seasoned faith is good too, but occassionally we need to have a little refreshing. I could sure use some, let me tell you.
So, thats my schpiel. After that family left I called Shawn up frantically and told her what had transpired. She was on my outreach team, and has worked overseas most of the time since. If anyone would understand my enthusiasm, it would be her. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since, and about where my life has gone.
I think about that fairly often these days I guess. Maybe its the impending 30th birthday that causes this phenomenon. =)
*shrug*
"...theres a land, where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags, for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
and the doors of the King are thrown wide..."
They have fallen to water, ancient seas...
that will grow, into hands that touch the untouchable....
How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak.
Father forgive me for I have not believed
like mother India I've groaned and grieved.
Father forgive me, I forgot your grace.
Your spirit falls on India... capture me in your embrace."
Early last spring my friend Maribeth made me listen to this Caedmons Call cd called "Share the Well." I like the band anyway, so I didn't need to be talked into it. It's compiled of a bunch of songs that they wrote while traveling to India, Brazil, and Ecuador. They wanted to include a lot of the traditional music from those places. It is a fabulous cd, and these lyrics are from a song called ...can you guess it? Mother India. I cried the first five times I heard this song. Not just because it's a good song, but because it really touched my heart. It brought back a lot of memories from my time in India, and the people that we met there.
I really think that there were people on our team who were much more involved than I was. The residual impact for me personally though...well, it was tremendous.
So the other day I was working at this little coffee kiosk I do about once or twice a week. We weren't busy at all. I was just kind of kicking back. This Indian family came up and ordered a bunch of coffees and planted themselves at the tables we have out. There were there for awhile, so when I had a chance I went over and asked them where they were from. We had a great chat. It was so cool! They were from Hyderabad, and I know where that is. They were all excited to hear that I had spent three months in their country. We talked about the differences in culture. One of the things that stood out to the mother, at least, was how far spaced out we are. She said, in India if you are sick or something, your neighbors are there helping, cooking the food an whatever. Here, you are hiding in your house, and your neighbors are behind their door and they are not coming out.
It was so interesting to talk to them! The father's accent was *much* harder to understand than the mothers was. Apparently their son lives in Pullman, Washington where he went to school, and then moved. They were taking a little road trip before going home.
After they left I just felt the tears well up in my eyes as these memories and feelings rushed over me. The impact my DTS had on me, its hard to put into words.
I had this moment where I just felt like...."Wow, I need to go back." =P
Not back to India neccesarily, although I would be okay with that now (I wouldn't have been at first), but anywhere. To YWAM.
Maybe you'll laugh, but I had this thought that maybe if I married a non-YWAMer, I could do another DTS. lol. I mean, he would never have done one right? So we could do one together. It would be fantastic. =p
I was thinking...how differently would I see things now than I did when I was 22??
To be honest, I am trying to remember who that girl was who first went to YWAM, and I wish that I could get in touch with that kind of fresh faith that I had back then. Seasoned faith is good too, but occassionally we need to have a little refreshing. I could sure use some, let me tell you.
So, thats my schpiel. After that family left I called Shawn up frantically and told her what had transpired. She was on my outreach team, and has worked overseas most of the time since. If anyone would understand my enthusiasm, it would be her. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since, and about where my life has gone.
I think about that fairly often these days I guess. Maybe its the impending 30th birthday that causes this phenomenon. =)
*shrug*
"...theres a land, where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags, for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
and the doors of the King are thrown wide..."
Friday, May 12, 2006
Tired! Tiiiiiiiired!
I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I had to get up at FOUR this morning. Ugh. usually I hate getting up, but very quickly after I am, I snap into a fairly cheerful, though subdued morning mood. Today, fifteen minutes after getting up I was still like...."Oh God. I can't do this today." I did do it though, and work was even good, until I started to go quickly downhill around noon. I survived the last hour and a half of my shift though. Yay for me!
I tried to take a nap when I got home, but that didn't last long before I had to pick up my nephew from daycare, and he is in my charge until my mom gets home from work at 6:30. Believe me when I say that I am going to get about ten hours of sleep tonight. Nice!
I've been so busy lately, I haven't really spent much time online. Sometimes this blog is like an afterthought. Oh yeah!!!! I do have one of those blog things!!!
I like to have it, actually, although I am still a little grieved over the fact that I never backed up my d-x entries, and they were all lost to the four winds. Four years of entries. Ugh. I've never written here as much as I used to do there. Maybe I'll do more eventually. Once the sting wears off.
I tried to take a nap when I got home, but that didn't last long before I had to pick up my nephew from daycare, and he is in my charge until my mom gets home from work at 6:30. Believe me when I say that I am going to get about ten hours of sleep tonight. Nice!
I've been so busy lately, I haven't really spent much time online. Sometimes this blog is like an afterthought. Oh yeah!!!! I do have one of those blog things!!!
I like to have it, actually, although I am still a little grieved over the fact that I never backed up my d-x entries, and they were all lost to the four winds. Four years of entries. Ugh. I've never written here as much as I used to do there. Maybe I'll do more eventually. Once the sting wears off.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning
Anyone know that song? We sang it in jazz choir when I was in high school, but you can actually hear it on the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack.
"In the wee small hours of the morning..when the whole wide world is fast asleep...you lie awake and think about the boy, and never ever think of counting sheep..."
Whenever I have to continuously get up early, I think about that song, even though it's a love song, and not a get up early song. heh.
So, I am on an early morning shift, the like of which I thought I would probably never do again. In fact, this is probably the earliest I have ever worked, besides the two weeks in the summer where I helped Melanie, and Uncle Dave dig post holes at Mary's ranch. So far, I haven't had to actually be at work before 5a.m., but since I live across town, that means that I am getting up by 4. My shift varies, so, some mornings I get to sleep in until 5:30 or 5:45. Nice. How funny is it when 5:30 a.m. is sleeping in?!
I almost never get enough sleep. I survive because of naps. Last night I think I slept maybe four and a half hours, so today when I got home around 2:00 I was ready to pass out.
I'm so used to it now though, after only three weeks or so, that seeing myself scheduled for a 10a.m. to 6 shift makes me cringe. Mornings go by faster, because we are usually busy. I get out of there at a decent hour of the day. I am quickly getting set in my ways. Getting a random mid shift here and there throws me all out of whack. I have one on Tuesday that I am not excited about.
My job is not brain surgery. I could do something that required a lot more intelligence. People are always telling me that I am really smart. (Why? I have no idea) So, when I am constantly doing these flaky things it drives me insane. I am still kind of the new person, and I know that I should cut myself some slack, but I swear some days they must think that I am the biggest moron. Grrr.
In other news....
I turn thirty a month from today. I've actually been looking forward to thirty, but as it draws nearer it is bringing with it introspection mode. For one thing, I am fairly content at the moment, to be single. I am not freaking out to be thirty and still single. I've actually enjoyed a freedom that not all of my friends have had, being married in their early 20's. The older I get, a few things are being driven home. Like, the fact that the person I am in my head is not always the person I am on the outside. I wonder if I show people who I really am, or something else. I do go through those phases where I really want to get married, and I am pretty sure that's fairly normal, but I try to hide those feelings, push them back into the dark recesses of my brain & heart. It's really a little less about what people think, and a little more about detesting dissapointment. =P I've been staying at my mom's and I am getting some bills paid and whatnot, and being here allows me to do that and also to save money for going back overseas, which I am bound to do. I've been planning on moving the first of the year as well, so that's plenty to save for.
Joe and I once had this argument when I said that I wanted to marry someone who had been involved in YWAM. I mean, that is narrowing the field a lot, and its not really fair, which I can now conceed. Actually, I am trying to remember if I really said it had to be that way, or just that I would prefer it. I think the latter, but in any case, it doesn't matter anymore. I love to travel, and it would be nice to meet someone who shares that passion, but as long as they are morally sound and compatible, it doesn't matter if that means YWAM or not. I have standards, but a lot of my ideas about certain things have completely changed in the past couple of years.
So...anyway....this stuff has just been coming up in my head the past couple of days. Crazy. It's good though, I guess, to sit and reevaluate your life at regular intervals. If I had done it seriously more often, then maybe I would have been on the road to well adjusted sooner. I felt trapped for a long time, and I didn't know which way to move in. Sometimes you just need to pick a direction and go, no matter what.
"In the wee small hours of the morning..when the whole wide world is fast asleep...you lie awake and think about the boy, and never ever think of counting sheep..."
Whenever I have to continuously get up early, I think about that song, even though it's a love song, and not a get up early song. heh.
So, I am on an early morning shift, the like of which I thought I would probably never do again. In fact, this is probably the earliest I have ever worked, besides the two weeks in the summer where I helped Melanie, and Uncle Dave dig post holes at Mary's ranch. So far, I haven't had to actually be at work before 5a.m., but since I live across town, that means that I am getting up by 4. My shift varies, so, some mornings I get to sleep in until 5:30 or 5:45. Nice. How funny is it when 5:30 a.m. is sleeping in?!
I almost never get enough sleep. I survive because of naps. Last night I think I slept maybe four and a half hours, so today when I got home around 2:00 I was ready to pass out.
I'm so used to it now though, after only three weeks or so, that seeing myself scheduled for a 10a.m. to 6 shift makes me cringe. Mornings go by faster, because we are usually busy. I get out of there at a decent hour of the day. I am quickly getting set in my ways. Getting a random mid shift here and there throws me all out of whack. I have one on Tuesday that I am not excited about.
My job is not brain surgery. I could do something that required a lot more intelligence. People are always telling me that I am really smart. (Why? I have no idea) So, when I am constantly doing these flaky things it drives me insane. I am still kind of the new person, and I know that I should cut myself some slack, but I swear some days they must think that I am the biggest moron. Grrr.
In other news....
I turn thirty a month from today. I've actually been looking forward to thirty, but as it draws nearer it is bringing with it introspection mode. For one thing, I am fairly content at the moment, to be single. I am not freaking out to be thirty and still single. I've actually enjoyed a freedom that not all of my friends have had, being married in their early 20's. The older I get, a few things are being driven home. Like, the fact that the person I am in my head is not always the person I am on the outside. I wonder if I show people who I really am, or something else. I do go through those phases where I really want to get married, and I am pretty sure that's fairly normal, but I try to hide those feelings, push them back into the dark recesses of my brain & heart. It's really a little less about what people think, and a little more about detesting dissapointment. =P I've been staying at my mom's and I am getting some bills paid and whatnot, and being here allows me to do that and also to save money for going back overseas, which I am bound to do. I've been planning on moving the first of the year as well, so that's plenty to save for.
Joe and I once had this argument when I said that I wanted to marry someone who had been involved in YWAM. I mean, that is narrowing the field a lot, and its not really fair, which I can now conceed. Actually, I am trying to remember if I really said it had to be that way, or just that I would prefer it. I think the latter, but in any case, it doesn't matter anymore. I love to travel, and it would be nice to meet someone who shares that passion, but as long as they are morally sound and compatible, it doesn't matter if that means YWAM or not. I have standards, but a lot of my ideas about certain things have completely changed in the past couple of years.
So...anyway....this stuff has just been coming up in my head the past couple of days. Crazy. It's good though, I guess, to sit and reevaluate your life at regular intervals. If I had done it seriously more often, then maybe I would have been on the road to well adjusted sooner. I felt trapped for a long time, and I didn't know which way to move in. Sometimes you just need to pick a direction and go, no matter what.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Voltaire
So I decided to start reading Candide and Zadig. It's on my lifetime reading list, and I had it just sitting there, so what the hell! I have *a lot* of books to read this week and next. So far, it is actually pretty entertaining. I really didn't know what to expect, but I thought it would be dry at the very least.
The Dean Koontz book was alright, but not as good as the other book of his that I read.
I've been making more notes lately for something that I want to write. I am desperate to write actual books one day. I really very much want to do this. It's not the writing itself that is the problem either. I can sit and write for hours and hours. I am a little afraid though, that as far as fiction, I will run out of creative ideas. Plus, I have no idea how to go about writing a book, so I am just going about it all in a very jumbled way. I'm sure everyone has their own way anyways. One day, I will master this. I have a lot of years left (hopefully!) to create a masterpiece. hehe. =)
Work is going really well, and I like it for the most part. I am looking forward to a trip to Europe in the fall, and maybe moving over to the Seattle area around the first of next year. I can solidify those plans later. It has begun to dawn on me however, that I am going to have to have some sort of goal. Right now, it's nice to look forward to going overseas again, but then what?? When I move am I going to do the same things I am doing now? There is nothing wrong with that, but I know me, and I need more purpose to my life. It helps to keep me from getting bored. No matter how much I fight against it, I know myself, and I know where my shortcomings are, and most of the things that I need to be healthy and successful. It's just hard to maintain hold of them!!! Grrrr! Could I not have been born a simpler person??
Okay, I am not sorry being me, and I take the good with the bad, but it's still frustrating!!!!! =P
The Dean Koontz book was alright, but not as good as the other book of his that I read.
I've been making more notes lately for something that I want to write. I am desperate to write actual books one day. I really very much want to do this. It's not the writing itself that is the problem either. I can sit and write for hours and hours. I am a little afraid though, that as far as fiction, I will run out of creative ideas. Plus, I have no idea how to go about writing a book, so I am just going about it all in a very jumbled way. I'm sure everyone has their own way anyways. One day, I will master this. I have a lot of years left (hopefully!) to create a masterpiece. hehe. =)
Work is going really well, and I like it for the most part. I am looking forward to a trip to Europe in the fall, and maybe moving over to the Seattle area around the first of next year. I can solidify those plans later. It has begun to dawn on me however, that I am going to have to have some sort of goal. Right now, it's nice to look forward to going overseas again, but then what?? When I move am I going to do the same things I am doing now? There is nothing wrong with that, but I know me, and I need more purpose to my life. It helps to keep me from getting bored. No matter how much I fight against it, I know myself, and I know where my shortcomings are, and most of the things that I need to be healthy and successful. It's just hard to maintain hold of them!!! Grrrr! Could I not have been born a simpler person??
Okay, I am not sorry being me, and I take the good with the bad, but it's still frustrating!!!!! =P
Monday, May 01, 2006
The Bell Jar/The Giver/On the Street Where You Live
I have been a very bad little reader the past couple of months. In fact, I just let one book streeeettch over several weeks. Now I am going to have to play catch up, since Joe is once again kicking my ass.
So anyway, this last week I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Several of my friends loved this book, and I have been meaning to read it for some time. It was actually pretty interesting. It was a much easier read than I thought it was going to be. Also, I didn't know that it was essentially an account of what happened to her earlier in her life. No wonder she stuck her head in an oven. Speaking of which, this has started a couple of interesting conversations at work, and the fact that I was reading the book, even got me a profession of love. Go figure. Who knew Sylvia Plath would have such an impact. =P
I also read a book called The Giver by Lois Lowry. This is classified as a young adult book. Also a book I have been meaning to read. Back when I worked at Barnes & Noble I decided that I was going to read all of the award winners, so that I could be up on my knowledge of books targeted at young people. In any case, the book totally gave me the heebies. haha! Okay, not the severe reaction that I had to reading 1984, but climbing that track. I can see why people think it's a good book. I mean, it really makes one think. These kind of books just really get to me. At the end I am like..."But wait! what happens?!?! I mean, what happens now?!?!" hehe.
I'm getting ready to read a slew of fantasy novels. I haven't read any since KoD came out, and I hadn't read any in awhile before that. I love fantasy...it is my favorite genre. Even so, I am usually pretty skeptical of starting new series. There is so much stuff out there that is just a bad copy of what someone else already did. I usually only read books that have been recommended to me by a friend, and even then I don't always. Despite being skeptical, sometimes I end up being a huge fan, so it's worth it to branch out. This time I am hoarding a Tad Williams series beside my bed, and a Salvatore trilogy. I also want to read the Terry Brooks word novels. That oughta keep me reading for a bit. Before I start those books, however, I am trying to catch up on some other reading. My mom is a huge Mary Higgins Clark fan. She writes mostly murder mysteries. She's not my favorite, but I usually enjoy her books. I just finished one this week. Right now I am reading a Dean Koontz book. the last book of his that I read was Intensity. Appropriate name. I was on the edge of my seat the ENTIRE time. It was crazy. That was several years ago, so I decided it was time to give him another read. This time I am reading Velocity.
In a week or so I will be all fantasy all the time. haha. Tad Williams books are always insanely huge. I don't want to dedicate a week to one until I have gotten a couple of others in my stack out of the way. =P No need to put myself any further behind than I already am. =)
So anyway, this last week I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Several of my friends loved this book, and I have been meaning to read it for some time. It was actually pretty interesting. It was a much easier read than I thought it was going to be. Also, I didn't know that it was essentially an account of what happened to her earlier in her life. No wonder she stuck her head in an oven. Speaking of which, this has started a couple of interesting conversations at work, and the fact that I was reading the book, even got me a profession of love. Go figure. Who knew Sylvia Plath would have such an impact. =P
I also read a book called The Giver by Lois Lowry. This is classified as a young adult book. Also a book I have been meaning to read. Back when I worked at Barnes & Noble I decided that I was going to read all of the award winners, so that I could be up on my knowledge of books targeted at young people. In any case, the book totally gave me the heebies. haha! Okay, not the severe reaction that I had to reading 1984, but climbing that track. I can see why people think it's a good book. I mean, it really makes one think. These kind of books just really get to me. At the end I am like..."But wait! what happens?!?! I mean, what happens now?!?!" hehe.
I'm getting ready to read a slew of fantasy novels. I haven't read any since KoD came out, and I hadn't read any in awhile before that. I love fantasy...it is my favorite genre. Even so, I am usually pretty skeptical of starting new series. There is so much stuff out there that is just a bad copy of what someone else already did. I usually only read books that have been recommended to me by a friend, and even then I don't always. Despite being skeptical, sometimes I end up being a huge fan, so it's worth it to branch out. This time I am hoarding a Tad Williams series beside my bed, and a Salvatore trilogy. I also want to read the Terry Brooks word novels. That oughta keep me reading for a bit. Before I start those books, however, I am trying to catch up on some other reading. My mom is a huge Mary Higgins Clark fan. She writes mostly murder mysteries. She's not my favorite, but I usually enjoy her books. I just finished one this week. Right now I am reading a Dean Koontz book. the last book of his that I read was Intensity. Appropriate name. I was on the edge of my seat the ENTIRE time. It was crazy. That was several years ago, so I decided it was time to give him another read. This time I am reading Velocity.
In a week or so I will be all fantasy all the time. haha. Tad Williams books are always insanely huge. I don't want to dedicate a week to one until I have gotten a couple of others in my stack out of the way. =P No need to put myself any further behind than I already am. =)
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Robert Jordan
I can't believe that Robert Jordan is sick. I guess I have been out of the loop lately. Then again, none of my friends told me about it either. If I wouldn't have checked out his blog today, I still would not have known. I thought that since he was writing a lot, he wouldn't be posting much, so I haven't checked in lately. Plus, I've just been busy.
http://www.locusmag.com/2006/Features/03JordanLetter.html
Kudos to Jordan for having such a brave attitude.
My friend Alecia and I used to joke around...kind of. We would be like; "What happens if Robert Jordan gets ill or something? What if he dies?" We used to laugh and screech and tell ourselves that we would have to make up our own endings to The Wheel of Time, but that didn't really satisfy us. Of course, now it is no joking matter. I can't imagine facing an illness of that sort. I've had close friends go through similar things, and I think they are way stronger than I am. I guess you never know until you are put in that situation. Commenting now on the next book, or whatever, seems mean hearted considering what he has to go through physically, and his books shouldn't be the thing on my mind.
The truth is though, he is a great author, and I really enjoy his work. So does he it seems! So I find it hard to separate one from the other. He is, the author, and always will be, and his sickness affects the body, but it also affects the work. So, forgive me if I care about both. I can't seem to help myself. I feel compassionate, and thoughtful towards the person, and I feel anxious about the work. All of this rolls up together in my mind. I would be lying to say otherwise. In any case, many many prayers and good wishes go out to Robert Jordan, his wife, Harriet, and the family. Here's cheering for a miraculous recovery.
http://www.locusmag.com/2006/Features/03JordanLetter.html
Kudos to Jordan for having such a brave attitude.
My friend Alecia and I used to joke around...kind of. We would be like; "What happens if Robert Jordan gets ill or something? What if he dies?" We used to laugh and screech and tell ourselves that we would have to make up our own endings to The Wheel of Time, but that didn't really satisfy us. Of course, now it is no joking matter. I can't imagine facing an illness of that sort. I've had close friends go through similar things, and I think they are way stronger than I am. I guess you never know until you are put in that situation. Commenting now on the next book, or whatever, seems mean hearted considering what he has to go through physically, and his books shouldn't be the thing on my mind.
The truth is though, he is a great author, and I really enjoy his work. So does he it seems! So I find it hard to separate one from the other. He is, the author, and always will be, and his sickness affects the body, but it also affects the work. So, forgive me if I care about both. I can't seem to help myself. I feel compassionate, and thoughtful towards the person, and I feel anxious about the work. All of this rolls up together in my mind. I would be lying to say otherwise. In any case, many many prayers and good wishes go out to Robert Jordan, his wife, Harriet, and the family. Here's cheering for a miraculous recovery.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Oatmeal and Chocolate Chips
I can't believe that I haven't written a blog in over a month. I hate that. Myspace does not count. I keep thinking, man, I need to post, but then I don't. I am making this resolution to get back in the game. hehe.
So...oatmeal. My sister bought these Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips in them, and I have a serious weakness for cookies with oatmeal in them. Unless there is also raisins, of course. I hate raisins. I am actually on a pretty great diet, getting all my veggies and that good stuff. Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, not so big on my diet. I have tried to keep myself away from the cookies to no avail. I tell myself that since I am so good the rest of the time, it's okay to eat them...even though I am not sure that's what I really think. =P
In other news, I just read Hugh Laurie's book "The Gun Seller," and I really enjoyed it. It was different from most of the books I've read lately, which was nice, but better than that, it was genuinely funny. I shouldn't be surprised that Hugh Laurie would write something that funny, but I really didn't know what to expect. I would reccommend this book though, even to you critic Joe. ;)
LAW & ORDER SVU:
So, my little sister and I watch a lot of this show. Our whole family have always been big Law & Order buffs. This isn't a show, however, where I watch the new episodes religiously (like House). It's more like, something I watch reruns of on USA. You know, the marathon weekends, or late at night when I am laying in bed, but still wide awake. It's a great show though, and I do sometimes catch it on Tuesdays.
So last Tuesday after House, I tuned in...AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS!!! I mean, what does Olivia mean she wants a new partner?!?!? Scandalous. I know Mariska Hargitay is taking some maternity leave, but I can't imagine an SVU world without Olivia and Elliot as partners. I think that's one of the first episodes of that show where I have actually screamed at the tv (as if its going to fix things for me). I had to comment on this. No good reason really, except that I like this show, and it was a crazy crazy episode.
I tried to get Joe & Sandy to watch House, but apparently Joe doesn't like tv shows where people get needles poked in their eyeballs, their spines, or wherever else. I told him it wasn't too bad, but I don't think he believes me. hehe.
It's my turn to wash the dishes, and I have been putting it off, so I guess I should stop that and just get it over with. Ta ta for now.
So...oatmeal. My sister bought these Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips in them, and I have a serious weakness for cookies with oatmeal in them. Unless there is also raisins, of course. I hate raisins. I am actually on a pretty great diet, getting all my veggies and that good stuff. Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, not so big on my diet. I have tried to keep myself away from the cookies to no avail. I tell myself that since I am so good the rest of the time, it's okay to eat them...even though I am not sure that's what I really think. =P
In other news, I just read Hugh Laurie's book "The Gun Seller," and I really enjoyed it. It was different from most of the books I've read lately, which was nice, but better than that, it was genuinely funny. I shouldn't be surprised that Hugh Laurie would write something that funny, but I really didn't know what to expect. I would reccommend this book though, even to you critic Joe. ;)
LAW & ORDER SVU:
So, my little sister and I watch a lot of this show. Our whole family have always been big Law & Order buffs. This isn't a show, however, where I watch the new episodes religiously (like House). It's more like, something I watch reruns of on USA. You know, the marathon weekends, or late at night when I am laying in bed, but still wide awake. It's a great show though, and I do sometimes catch it on Tuesdays.
So last Tuesday after House, I tuned in...AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS!!! I mean, what does Olivia mean she wants a new partner?!?!? Scandalous. I know Mariska Hargitay is taking some maternity leave, but I can't imagine an SVU world without Olivia and Elliot as partners. I think that's one of the first episodes of that show where I have actually screamed at the tv (as if its going to fix things for me). I had to comment on this. No good reason really, except that I like this show, and it was a crazy crazy episode.
I tried to get Joe & Sandy to watch House, but apparently Joe doesn't like tv shows where people get needles poked in their eyeballs, their spines, or wherever else. I told him it wasn't too bad, but I don't think he believes me. hehe.
It's my turn to wash the dishes, and I have been putting it off, so I guess I should stop that and just get it over with. Ta ta for now.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Late night chats with Mel.
I meant to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I swear I did. In fact, at 11:45 I was getting ready to go to bed, but then I did a quick email check and wouldn't you know it, Melanie was online! Melanie usually goes to bed around 9:30, so that was amazing. Of course I had to talk to her and she was doing the late night chat thing. So I stayed around long enough to have a silly conversation with her. That's what mel and I do. We have silly conversations. What can I say? We find ourselves and each other amusing!! She related to me how a friend of hers on myspace had a picture with himself sitting at a table with a cup of coffee, and in the chair opposite him was a vacuum sitting in a chair. Tha caption read; "A conversation with one of my intimate friends.." or something like that. I got a chuckle out of it anyway. So, right, I was tired. I didn't want to abandon Mel though, and since she just moved away and I can't just drive over any old afternoon to see her, I thought I better take all the opportunities I can!
In any case, I had a cup of tea to boost my alertness, and now I am having a second wind. I completely spaced the Academy Awards last night, which I sort of wanted to watch, minus any political crap spewed by Jon Stewart. So I had to look them up online and find out who won. I am glad for Reese Witherspoon. I totally thought that Felicity Huffman was going to win, so I was pleasantly surprised by that. I am also glad that Crash won best picture. Woot!
Now that I am completely awake, and pathetic, I decided to browse the Joss Whedon site that I frequent, and now I am downloading the video of Hugh Laurie from the Golden Globes. I know I really need to get a life. Actually, I am supposed to go somewhere with a friend in the late morning and I will probably be a little bit sleepy when it comes to that. Oh well. Such is my life. :p This thing is taking forever to download, mostly because my computer has serious issues at the moment, but I love Hugh so I have to watch it. *shrug* That's just me. Maybe in the meantime I should kill some more braincells at Myspace. hehe.
In any case, I had a cup of tea to boost my alertness, and now I am having a second wind. I completely spaced the Academy Awards last night, which I sort of wanted to watch, minus any political crap spewed by Jon Stewart. So I had to look them up online and find out who won. I am glad for Reese Witherspoon. I totally thought that Felicity Huffman was going to win, so I was pleasantly surprised by that. I am also glad that Crash won best picture. Woot!
Now that I am completely awake, and pathetic, I decided to browse the Joss Whedon site that I frequent, and now I am downloading the video of Hugh Laurie from the Golden Globes. I know I really need to get a life. Actually, I am supposed to go somewhere with a friend in the late morning and I will probably be a little bit sleepy when it comes to that. Oh well. Such is my life. :p This thing is taking forever to download, mostly because my computer has serious issues at the moment, but I love Hugh so I have to watch it. *shrug* That's just me. Maybe in the meantime I should kill some more braincells at Myspace. hehe.
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