Deep Breaths

Okay, so I'm feeling a little better now.
I mean, aside from listening to sappy old country music, that I cannot seem to pull myself away from. haha.
I mean, I am not feeling entirely better....no, no. Just a little.
Today I have talked to some friends, and it has been really nice. A good day over all. In fact, earlier today I thought...Wow, I really feel so much better, but that has slowly faded away.
I can feel the prayers and the tears, just biding their time.

On the upside, I have been singing more this week than in a long time...for a variety of reasons I think. It feels nice though, and it is a way to let some emotion out.
I keep thinking that maybe I am just pmsing and that I will snap out of it any minute. ha! I think that is wishful thinking. Anyway, it keeps not happening!! Dammit!!!! :p You know, just when I finally want to blame my emotions on my hormones, they aren't acting up. lol! Figures!

I was looking for this journal of mine...grrr. I left some in my hope chest, which is at my mom's house in Spokane. I grabbed the most recent few. There are six or seven of them. Well, the one from 05 is missing. Apparently I left that one, and that happens to be the one I want, so I am really annoyed. I guess you would have to be me to understand this strange phenomenon.:p
Oh well I guess.

I do need to take a trip home soon. See a couple of friends, and my baby neice, whom I have not yet gotten to hold. I am the oldest of 12 grandchildren on my mom's side, and all of a sudden everyone started having babies!! My cousin Zack and his wife, had a little girl last year. She turned one in November, and at Christmas they announced that they were pregnant again. In the past year, my cousin Sarah, her brother Jacob's girlfriend, and my brother's girlfriend Kayla, have all had babies. Sarah had twins.
I am starting to feel old. lol.

Too many things are happening at once! :p That little cave is still looking good. hehe.

I want to write, and I want not to write. I honestly just don't even know what to say half the time. I don't know what my problem is. I mean, okay, lol, I know what *some* of my problems are! haha. I just don't know what my main problem is in this particular instance, and the theories I have are ones that I really do not like or want to face.
Obviously I am going to have to come to terms with that at some point though.

I could deal with the praying and the crying at night, if I could be a very happy and well adjusted girl during the day.
Rawr. Some *days* are better than others. So, I am going to cross my fingers for tomorrow's shift.
Unfortunately, I may have to find a church. I really, really don't want to, but I am bored, and must make friends. Not saying that because I am in a friend I will neccesarily make friends, but let's face it, I have too much time on my hands. Do I want to get involved in church culture again? No. am I ready to deal with that? Probably not.
I mean, I will love the worship portion, and things will be fine until people start telling me how to live my life. Ha! As if I am not one of the most hard core people I have ever known....or at least, hadn't spent most of the past decade of my life being...
And then I might have an episode where I tell some nice, well-meaning church person to kiss my ass, or at least to take a flying leap of some kind..:p
Ugh.

*sigh* Anyway....I need to set my clock forward, and get ready for bed, so that I can give the prayers an tears a sufficient amount of time to run their course before I deprive myself of too much sleep.
Thank you, Oh great blogging community, for listening to my Woes.