It's that time again. Time for venting.
I want to vent about something that I am not sure I can find words for. I just feel frustration.
Yesterday I reconnected with some old friends.
They updated me on another friend, who I wrote about in December. His name is Jason.
I am tired of hearing that life is beating up my friends. I know it happens to all of us in some seasons, but lately.....rawr.
It makes me sad. It makes me feel despair. It makes me lack hope. Especially, you know, this is someone who I used to pray and pray for. Cry and cry over, and I just want them to be happy, and it grieves me to find out that they are not.
So anyway, moving on into todays conversations....it was a rehashing of old things between my friend and I. The relationship in its twisted form. Okay, maybe twisted is the wrong word. It was a good friendship. We were young, and probably too young to make it anything more serious, despite feelings on both sides. I was pretty open with my feelings towards him, but he hid his feeling for me for a long time.
Despite that, we had a great friendship. There were other issues though. Alcohol, and various other things.
They moved, I stayed.
I'm not sorry. I had gotten involved with my church, and was where I knew I needed to be. Because I went the direction I did, I have been overseas and had the opportunity to do a lot of things I might not otherwise have done.
Even so...
I have never had that kind of relationship ever again.
A couple friendships have come close, have been good, but without that romantic connection that makes someone "more" than your friend, you know?
I am 30. I was 18.
I imagined it happening long before now. The fact that it hasn't is alright....but what aggrevates me, is that we had something good, and it didn't have a chance. Years later I am thinking....What the hell?? I can't help being a little upset for myself.
Although I am upset for myself however, I am more upset for my friend, who deserves to have some happiness in life, and has worked hard at making his life better!!!! I want to pray and believe, like I used to believe, that God is going to change things, and make them better, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. I don't know what is going to happen for my friend. Grrrr.
I want to cry and yell at God, and do all those things I used to do that made me feel much better in the morning....!
That's all I can say right now.
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We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. ~Anais Nin
"Till shade is gone, till water is gone, into the shadow with teeth bared, screaming defiance with the last breath, to spit in sightblinders eye on the last day.."
2 comments:
oh, kid, i'm sorry. that is incredibly frustrating, and i can understand why you're upset and needing to vent. we're all here to listen, though that is, unfortunately, all we can really do. i hope you find some peace soon.
I SOO know what you mean. I've been realizing lately that through the tremendous amount of shit these last few years, I seem to have lost my hope. I used to expect that good things could happen, and I no longer have the energy or the ability to do that. It's sad, and depressing, and this tiny piece of me would really like to get back to being that way again (but the overwhelming part of me knows to expect nothing less than rotten piles of stinking crap to be dumped at every turn and time). What happened to the person I used to be - and SCREAMMM is what I feel in my head when I think that nearly nobody even remembers her, or knows she once existed.
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