Take this heart....and just rip it right out of me

Okay, so here I am with my ongoing drama.

Actually, I am fine. Really. In my lovely, large apartment, all by myself, with food in my cupboards, I really have nothing to complain about.
So...why is it that ever since I have been home from Charlotte, I have been the living dead? I have been dragging myself through each and every work day. This was before my friends tracked me down and gave me more to be upset about.

Why is this happening? I have been doing pretty well here in Federal Way. The only thing I can think of, is that I am just lonely. In Charlotte I was with Shawn all the time. When I lived with Lance and Jeni, even though I was pretty solitary, I at least saw them from time to time. I guess it was more essential human contact than I realized.
I am really ok. I am going to get up, and go to work, and it is going to be fine. Just like any other day. I have come to realize, however, that my job is my life. So when I have a bad day at work...there is noone pleasant to come home to. My friends here are almost entirely co-workers. At least, the people I ever hang out with are coworkers. Which, isn't neccesarily bad, but I can never separate myself from work.

I have just been trying to distract myself this week. Stay busy, but it's been hard. Everyone else is so busy, noone is answering their phones. Today I took a nap, and went grocery shopping, and chatted with the girl scouts...good times. it wasn't a bad day, except for the gaping hole in my heart, which is at once explainable, and at the same time a complete and utter mystery to me.

Life...is long and difficult, and frankly, I really dislike it sometimes. :p I am sure that most of you can relate.
Right now I really want to dig myself a little hole, and hide in there, away from the whole world, and not have to deal with the way I am feeling, and not have to deal with hurting friends whom I cannot help.
Tonight I was praying, and remembering other prayer times, where there were a lot of tears. I wish that I felt the same spiritual connection, but alas, I do not entirely.
Again, I am praying for someone, for whom prayer used to always bring tears, and at times, I wish that I could not be praying for them, and that it was not my job. Selfish, I know. You don't only pray for the people who make you all happy happy joy joy inside. That's far too easy. No, real intercession is when you pray for the people who break your heart into tiny little bite size pieces. oh yeah. So thrilling to be me.

There is nowhere I can run, and nowhere I can hide from this, and I have to tell you, every crazy spontaneous idea I have ever had is crashing into my brain right now, looking for a way out....but it's inside of me, and you can't run from that.
I am having a seriously animated conversation with God in my head, if you want to know the truth. I told my friend that I wanted to just run out into the rain, and scream up at the sky; HERE IT IS!!!!! TAKE IT!!! JUST RIP IT RIGHT OUT!!! IT'S YOURS ANYWAY!!!! My heart that is. Alas, it stays put, and just keeps beating out it's agonizing rythm.

I decided that the things I thought were laid down a long time ago, maybe were not completely, and to face going there again...not pleasant in any way. In fact, I don't know that I have it in me to do it again at all.