There Are Days...

So often my post titles have to do with whatever song I am listening to at that moment....maybe that says something about my lack of creativity, I don't know.
I was trying to take a break from the slow mellowness of Shawn McDonald, so I put in a Rascal Flatts cd, only slightly more upbeat. haha. I am just not in the mood for anything more cheerful.

I am having a bad day. Maybe not bad on the scale of badness from two years ago, but pretty damn bad. Fucked up even. Which reminds me, there will probably be a lot more swearing in this post, so if that offends you, you should just tune out now.

I really, really, don't like myself sometimes. I am going to be 31 years old...very, very soon. I am just like a big dumb kid who has to learn the same lessons over and over.
For example, if I had....ANY savings, brought on by some sort of financial responsibility, or ability to look into the future and not see a fairy tale, then I could have some back up for paying my rent, or breaking my lease. I can't afford to break my lease....but in the long run, I don't know if I am going to be able to pay my rent. Well, I mean, I could give up eating altogether. lol. I 've thought about it. haha.
I am just a big, stupid girl who is wretched at taking care of herself, and you would seriously think I would have realized by now that noooone else is going to do it!!
Rawr!
Actually, I could be in a much worse mood. I am actually pissed that I feel at all well. I mean, it is just going to go on and on, with me waking up every morning feeling sick. That sinking feeling in your stomache you know?
I actually looked a little for a second job, although that makes me nervous, but what can you do?
I have worked two jobs lots of times in the past, I have just gotten more and more prone over the years to getting overwhelmed and going through some sort of emotional meltdown. I try to pace myself.

Add to all this being homesick. Okay, maybe not exactly for Spokane, which I still detest in so many ways. Maybe just for certain people, or certain places. Cute cousins, and grandparents who won't be with us forever.

I think I might be broken. I have wondered about this for a long time. I mean, I look around me at all these fabulous woman, and they are totally doing it. You know, they are nice, and they work, and they are motivated, and they are paying for lots more stuff than me....and I just don't know how they do it, and I hate that about me. I hate it.
They aren't even christians half the time! Isnt't that supposed to make it easier for me somehow...you know, God's grace for getting by and all that stuff?
I want to be strong, and do everything for myself.
I mean, you know, if one is going to be alone it would be somewhat helpful to be able to do things. heh.
I think I might never get married.
Who wants this broken piece of baggage?!?! I certainly don't expect anyone else to want to deal with my issues.

One time my really good friend James said to me; Amanda, I think that once you find someone that you really care about, a bunch of this stuff that ails you will just fall away.
You know what I want to say to James right now?!?!
"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!"
So there.
That was like...psh. seven years ago? I dunno. Something.
Forgive me for being bitter. I usually hold in even my desire for relationships, as it makes me feel so much less pathetic. However, secretly I have been wanting to get married...Oh....SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER! :p haha.

The other night I went out with some girls from work, and on our way home one of them was saying to me how they had had a conversation about me, and decided that I just needed to "put myself out there!" lol. Well, isn't that a nice and reasonable thought. How does one do that exactly?
I used to meet tons of great single guys through church...I even kind of liked one or two. Of course, I always like the ones who don't give a snit for me. Oh well.
When you are younger you just know more people...from school or whatever, and you probably get out more...ya know? So it was never hard to meet people, and I am miss social butterfly, so that made it even easier.
I never anticipated this being an issue.
Plus, I am just not on the prowl. I hate that. I just don't want to be out there looking around for Mr. Right. I would rather crash into him unexpectedly, however lame that might sound. Anyway....life has certainly not turned out the way I thought.
It has been one dissappointment after another to be honest, and I am sick of that crap.
*sigh*
Whaddya gonna do? :p
Stoopid life! (yes, I know stupid is spelled wrong, but it amuses me to spell it that way, and besides, it's the way I am saying it at the moment; stoooooopid.)

*sigh*
I miss worship. I can't ask for any Sundays off though. Everyone at my job can't work on Sundays. Leeetle baaastards.

So, I am just going to sit here in my relatively unfurnished apartment, and pout to myself. Not that pouting accomplishes anything, but no matter what I do it is going to be something hard. Everything in my life is always hard. There is no easy way. There are only hard ways. So, I am going to pout. :p take that!

I really don't have anything deep or intelligent to say today. This is my life. Things affect me too much. I am always getting waylaid by something. My heart is always getting broken (usually over lame things that shouldn't be heartbreak worthy). It kinda bites.
That's pretty much all I have to share.