Holiday Revelry

I have this Faith Hill song stuck in my head, it's called; "Stealing Kisses." I really love that song. It's kind of sad...I like to think of it as tragically beautiful, and those are my favorite kind. It is really uncanny how many of my blog titles come from song lyrics. Stealing Kisses just wasn't gonna work out for me tonight. Still, there it is. At least my song of the moment is included.

So last night was the fabulous Leach family christmas shindig, which I enjoyed far more than should be legally possible. I think there was a moment there when I was pretty close to "perfectly happy." I'm a simple girl, what can I say? I don't think there is any such thing as sustained perfect happiness, so you have to grasp the feeling when you can! =)

After the Leach family fun I journeyed through the snow storm to my Mother's house. It was late, I'm not gonna lie. My brother lives there with his daughter, Hailey, who is two (well, two in January). So, apparently sometime during the night, before bed, my brother's...friend? gf? I have no idea? ..put some lotion on Hailey, which she was really sensitive to. It made her skin burn. Of course, she couldn't tell us what was wrong, she just screamed bloody murder. She wasn't really scratching or anything at first, and my mom and I could not figure out what was going on. We tried everything we could think of to make her feel better. When we would try to talk to her she would just scream louder. I mean, it was bad. I was starting to pray desperate prayers of; "help! my niece is posessed!" My brother had already gone to bed when this started, apparently. Mom and I were up almost all night with Hailey. She would start to doze off and then wake up crying. Even though it must have been hurting her all along, it didn't show up on her skin right away. Eventually her face started to get blotchy and she was scratching her forehead though, and my mom went and put her in the bath. Phew! Everything was great after that, except for the fact that none of us had gotten any sleep.
We were surprisingly upbeat today, considering. Of course, I did have four cups of coffee that didn't even take the edge off.
I played trivial pursuit with my sister, her fiance, and our cousin. I was nearly falling asleep at the table.
I am SO glad to be home. Of course, when I got here I had to straighten up because I don't want to wake up to a messy house. It is reasonably tidy at the moment, and that's pretty much all I've got in me. I am going to confess that there are a couple of boxes of things I hid from myself in the sun room, because I am too exhausted to organize anything and I don't want to sort through them. On top of that, there are all the things I brought home, which I have not yet put away. They are in a neat little area, but still...

I can't even think about doing it tonight though. I am hoping to have enough energy just to go to work tomorrow! It is past time for sleeping. Reading is totally out of the question.

The wall is looming. I am about to smack into it.

Bring on the laughter..

I have been so good about updating lately, I don't want to lose the groove now!

I had some family and friends over tonight. We had dinner and played games and it was just totally laid back and fun. I had a couple of glasses of bubbly. :) Of course, the champagne only brought the sleepiness on faster. I'm about to fall over from exhaustion. I guess all the snow shoveling is wearing me out! :p It was an...interesting...drive home from work today. Tomorrow I have to do it again. God bless my little front wheel drive. I don't know how I got it back into the driveway tonight, but PTL!! A friend called me yesterday and said; "Are you okay?!? Do we need to come get you?! We have room you know! Is your electricity working? Is it warm enough?? We are going to bring you a little space heater tomorrow!" haha. I wasn't expecting the outburst of kindness. It made my day. Plus, they have a nice big truck, and now I know who to call when noone else can get up and down this damn hill anymore!!! It's good to have friends!

Sometimes it's nice just to have a bit of laughter with people you love, and not have to think too hard about anything. I appreciate nights like tonight. I dearly love to laugh! Recently my friend pointed out that I, like his wife, throw my head back with abandon and laugh from my belly. :p I never would have thought about that if it hadn't been pointed out to me! Isn't that funny?! I never would have noticed!

Okay, that's it. I just hit the wall. To bed before I am asleep on the computer keys. =)

Jesus Behind the Couch

=) Thank you Chris, for that title.

So, it is 4 in the morning, I am listening to Lauryn Hill, which I am really into at this moment, and I am totally jacked up on caffeine. Not even that much caffeine.

More than one typo will undoubtedly escape my notice on this particular entry, I'm not gonna lie. =)

For quite a few hours now I have wanted to write this entry, and a hodge podge of thoughts (as per usual) are floating around in my brain.

First let me just say, I am really blessed today. I have been up late talking to my peeps, and that is nice. The girls went to sleep awhile ago, but Paul and Chris the insomniacs have been online for quite a bit of the night. I feel like I've been having hang out night with the guys, which is something I have not done in a long time! So that's fun!

Okay, so what originally got me thinking about writing today, was a conversation I had much earlier with an old classmate. She is originally from Washington, but has been living and working for some time in the Twin Cities area. We reconnected recently on Facebook. Ya know, everybody's doin' it!

We were friends in high school. Not really close or anything, but friends. We knew a lot of the same people.

We have...a lot of differences. I tend to be conservative, or at least somewhere in the middle, and she is a self described maniac liberal. Our conversation revolved around past experience; Her getting so caught up in academia that she was too much of a snob to talk to anyone not involved therein, and my having gotten so caught up in the conservative, evangelical church, that I could not talk to anyone outside of it. Essentially.

It was...a really great conversation. I really enjoyed that we could have it.

Some time ago, when I left the church I had been in, and tried to find balance for myself somewhere, one of my desires was to reconnect with some of the kinds of people I had known when I was younger. My memory of myself, however skewed, is that I did have specific feelings about certain things. I was cut and dry in some areas, but I was friends with everyone. I just...really liked most people. I wanted, generally, to make peace and get along with people. People are multi-faceted and interesting.

Of course, that doesn't mean everyone is right about everything they think they are right about. I still have my belief system. My opinions, just like then. I had friends in high school who did a lot of drugs and different things. I really loved those people, and spent time with them, though not supporting those habits. I didn't party, I didn't have sex, I didn't bully people...I just wasn't any of those things.I wasn't holier than thou. I didn't expect everyone to have my reasons. I hope I was a good influence, but I wasn't really thinking of it that way. I wasn't really on a mission to save anyone or anything like that. I loved my friends and I wanted them to flourish. And people really, truly, genuinely respond to that. And..I lost it.
Okay, maybe I never lost the ability to be that way. We all have that capacity...and I was by no means perfect or anything like that. There was a part of me that got buried though.

I realize that I don't have to agree with people 100% to love, and support them, and to really see them for the treasure that they are.

Unfortunately, the church, so often, (and I am not talking about one denomination here) is the voice of God's judgement. You can't do this, you can't do that. This is a sin, that is a sin. Chris and I were talking about this the other day, that the time in the Bible when Jesus really gets pissed, it is in the temple.

Now I don't want to misrepresent myself by making anyone think that I don't believe in any moral absolutes, that I am not black and white in some ways. I really hate the term "grey area", however, there is generally just so much more to an issue, so much more to a person...it is so much more complicated than we often choose to see. I wonder if christians are really willing to put their time where their mouth is. Oh, some are, just to be fair. I am not the only person that feels this way. Jesus really saw the person, and his first reaction was always love. He just loved people. The modern church is so AFRAID of people sinning..so afraid of SIN, of screwing up, of doing the wrong thing, whatever. This is the foundation for how they see the world. But if you are a christian, then "perfect love casts out fear". Some of the dialogue, or commentary that is going on, I honestly don't know why it even has to go on. I don't go around preaching to all my friends, "this is the way, walk in it or die."

I hope that there is something in the way I live my life. That I honor, accept and love people, no matter where they come from, how smart they are, how much money they have, what their sexual orientation is. They are all people. We are all Gods kids. We are ALL in this together.
*sigh*
Despite the fact that I really do love and believe in Jesus, I am no longer an evangelical. Will I ever be again? Who knows. I am figuring things out just like everyone.

Okay, but anyway, back to the people in my life...

Earlier in the week I was reading some old emails that my friend Joe and I had sent back and forth, and we have known each other awhile, if online. I haven't really been investing in that friendship as much in the past year or so. I have been caught up in a lot of other things that were going on, and I sort of regret that. I guess I had kind of forgotten that one of the reasons I am friends with Joe is because he challenges me. We don't see everything exactly the same, and I like that! I remember this argument..ish that we had a long time ago, and the topic doesn't matter, but now I am like..Psh. He was so right. Lol! I was so wrong! We haven't had many conversations like that lately, but there are still moments where I am like...dang! I never thought of that!

I miss that when it goes away!

Tonight I have been talking to my friends Paul and Chris, interesting conversations. I was thinking...Wow. I am having a lot of random conversations today..and it is AWESOME! The gal I was talking about earlier, we were talking about writing, and English degrees, and I was thinking...My God, I need these people in my life. We talked about really coming from the bad side of town...poor white trash. I sometimes feel like I am caught in this middle ground, where I want to be smart and educated, and escape, and then on the otherside I am afraid to get out, because I have no idea what that looks like. I have been BLESSED in my life with a lot of genuinely intelligent people. Awesome people. Just being around those people rubs something off on me, but in some ways I feel like I have thrown that away. I am not living up to my own expectations of myself. Not that they are extravagant or unreasonable, they are just more. I have a mind I just don't always tap into. Then, I remain unfulfilled, and essentially, unsatisfied and unhappy. You don't have to save the world, you know? You just have to find your niche. I don't know exactly what I am looking for, or how to do it, but people like these offer me reminders.

I have been writing this entry for an hour. I am probably a bit spacey and I am trying to say too much.
Essentially, I am really greatful for Becky, and the great talk we had earlier. It was unexpected and just plain good. I appreciate reconnecting with Paul, talking old books and weird religions. I appreciate Joe for all the random insight, book advice, humor, general encouragment and everything else over the years, and I appreciate Christopher for too much to say!!! We are woven of the same fabric! He has always been one of the dearest people to me and we disagree on quite a few things. Batman not being one of them, of course. :p He will kick your ass if you mess with me!! Haha, but he also reminds me that my way isn't always "THE" way. He doesn't even have to say that, I just know by talking to him. Of course, all of these people (and a few who aren't mentioned) are way smarter than I am. I sometimes don't even really get why they are interested in talking to me(and no, Chris, I am not putting myself down! :p), but I am really glad that they are...for however long that lasts. =)
Thanks for keeping me on my toes everybody.
Much Love.

I'd like some chestnuts, and an open fire please. Thank You.

I would like to write about something, anything, that has nothing whatesoever to do with me or any of my close circle of friends. That means, nothing about the weather. Nothing about jobs or family. Nothing about the things that are gnawing away at my brain, making me crazy. Nothing, even, about the holidays.
Of course, as I say that, every candle in my house is lit, and the oven is on (I'm *thinking* about baking), just to raise the temperature in my apartment a couple more degrees (curse you, drafty old buildings). Everything I write today comes out in a messy jumble of words that makes me want to rip out my hair, undoubtedly not helped by the fact that there are icicles forming in my brain.
Take me someplace sunny, someplace warm.

Despite the fact that my brain refuses to cooperate with me, and I am frustrated, and there is too much on my mind, and I have serious doubts about my character today, I still need to write SOMETHING so that my head does not explode.

It is 6 o'clock in the evening and I can literally FEEL the temperature dropping outside...and when did I become such a big whiner about the weather anyway? Still, DAMN its cold!

Another Late Night

I can't really write everything that is on my mind this time. It isn't even really because I don't want to. I just have to sit on it for the time being. Perhaps later it will be okay.
Notice how I have started to say "really" a lot. I must "really" like that word. I also use "haha," "hehe," and "lol," WAY too much, especially in email. Why do I do this? I don't know, but today I thought about asking my friend Joe to throw something at me everytime he notices. I suppose since he is not close enough to throw anything, that effort would be wasted, but it was a thought. I could ask my friend Jan to throw something, but she wouldn't. Who else can I count on? I am just going to hope that it annoys me enough to stop it.
It does annoy me, but I am so used to doing it, that I have stopped noticing. I only notice it when I go back and re-read.
I feel like I am dumbing down in some ways, and that really bothers me.

The other day I said something really bratty to my sister. Well, I didn't mean it to be bratty, but it was, and in a rather condescending way. I still feel horrible. We were talking about the picture that she and Ryan want to use for their wedding invitations. It is a cute picture, I am just not sure if it is appropriate. Of course, that is not really my call. Big sisters sometimes act like everything is their call however. :p I have my moments.

I have to remind myself once in awhile, that the world does not revolve around me. Not that I am more conceited than anyone else, but its still something I occassionally have to work on. I don't want to be a jerk. I want to be someone that people like. I don't mean shallow popularity either. I am not going for loads of superficial friends. I just want to be worthy of the good people that I know. A nice sense of mutual respect would be just fine.

I was having a VERY bad day last week. I slept in for a long time because I was off that day and just not ready to face the world. I ended up talking to my friend Chris on the phone, really late at night. Don't you hate it when you get sucked into having these conversations and things really late at night, when your guard is down? Then you end up telling details that maybe around noon you would have kept to yourself?! Ha! That is just how it was. Not that I don't trust Chris tremendously. We go WAY back. Still, there are some things I like to keep to myself. For example; shortcomings that I am rather ashamed of, I prefer just to skim the surface. Isn't it interesting how we have such different kinds of friends, and how some of those friends know certain things about us, and the rest know something else? Not like we are hiding anything, neccesarily, but just that people see a different side of us.
Plus, I know that certain people I will talk about something like, oh, say relationships with, but another person I just don't feel like I can talk to them about that for whatever reason. Every friendship is unique I suppose.

I am greatful for my friends in all their varying shades.

Friendships change over the years, and that is okay. Some of them fall away, not neccesarily because anything major went wrong. Sometimes it is just because of time and distance. Other friendships mature and flourish. We change and mature (hopefully!) so that makes sense I suppose. Sometimes I like change and sometimes I loathe it. You know, sometimes I think we just have to look at our relationships from a different perspective. Because we grow, we have to give one another room to do so. It's a bummer when certain friendships can't survive that. I don't know why these things are on my mind. It just comes and goes I guess. Relationships in their many forms are a dominating factor in our lives, so I suppose it's to be expected.

Well, I guess that's all I want to say right now.
I finally decided to get with the program and update my links. Jill and Lara changed their sites long ago and I have been sporting the old ones for ages now. Got rid of a few, and that is just fine.

Scattered

Look at me! I am non-blogger gone wild!
I am so incredibly sporadic. My actions and my thinking have no discernable pattern.
I do normal and responsible things everyday. On the outside, I almost appear controlled. : On the inside I think I am just a swirling vortex of barely controlled chaos. I don't mean that in terms of emotional turmoil or anything. I mean, I definitely have my moments. I am given to strange fits of passion, but I would like to say that I am generally positive and emotionally...upbeat? *shrug*

My problem is that my brain thinks too much. haha. It is always going. It must be fed, it likes to chew on things. To couple with that, my heart feels too much. Okay, maybe everybody says that. I am sure it is true for A LOT more people than just me. So my brain gets going on something, and it stirs up my heart, and then I do myself this terrible travesty of not writing. It is such a great outlet, but I find all kinds of things to distract me from it. From the relief of doing it. Really lame distractions too, okay. Lame lame lame.

You know what I have also realized that kind of goes along with this, is that I got into this habit of watching so many shows, and so many movies (not that there is anything wrong with this in general), but I just love, I am so into the dialogue and the human connection, and the human struggle. Right and wrong, trying to do what is good versus what is evil. I just eat it up. Moral dilemma. Of course, I also let this be my escape from having dialogue. You know, from my own interactions with the world, and my own dilemmas. I am sitting in my house, watching it play out on my tv, rather than living it. I am not saying that this is going to make me stop reading, or writing, or watching t.v., I am just saying that there is balance and I need to remind myself to find it. The people in my life are important. How they affect, challenge, encourage me. Heck, even how they piss me off, or make me cry, or just confuse the crap out of me. In fact, maybe those things more so, because then I have to decide what I am going to do with that. You know? That is where my faith comes in, and patience, and longsuffering, and all of those things that are impossible to achieve without at least some trial in our lives. Character.

I can relieve the worst of the feeling by just checking out. By watching it on t.v.

These are some of the thoughts in my head. Okay. Better.
This is one of those entries where I remember why I started a blog in the first place. Where I actually reach inside of me, and pull out what is in there. Not the surface stuff, like work making me a little crazy, or the fact that *shock* its snowing in eastern Washington, or anything like that. Not that it isn't sometimes valid, but it requires nothing of me, generally speaking. There are times when what is inside of me, grieving me, are those little things. Like, the constant struggle with my coworker, who shows very little integrity, and how my behaviour toward that situation is abysmal, or how I really need to work out my financial situation so that I can buy a new, non weird-noise-inducing vehicle! I have those times!
The challenge then, is finding out what matters when, and getting it out.
At least, it makes sense to me.
Then again, I am barely controlled chaos. :p

It's midnight. I've been up since four this morning. I should sleep, but having anything at all to say after this crappy year, these crappy months of saying nothing, is too good.
I think I will write Chris a letter now, since he's been harassing me for it.

Goodnight blogosphere.

Snarly Face.

...I am making one right now.
The only reason I am blogging is because I want to be able to say I did, when Chris asks me if I have been writing anything. Which, I concede, is a lame reason. Whatever works though, right? It helps. It does its part.
It isn't my blogs fault that I have a bad additude. :p

Well, in the ongoing adventures of Amanda...today I went shopping. Actually, it was more like wandering around aimlessly waiting for my sister to get off so that "we" could go shopping. We were supposed to be shopping for my mom, but we ended up at the Steve and Barry's closeout sale, buying clothes for small, cute girls. =) I am sure my two year old niece will REALLY appreciate the time we spent. haha. We did also have a lovely lunch. I love my 'lil sister and any opportunity to hang out with her.
It is freezing in Spokane. Literally. I think it's around 24 degrees right now, and tomorrow I think we are supposed to have a whopping high of 9! On the side streets where the snow didn't melt and they haven't dropped any sand, it is now solid ice. After I took my sister home my car couldn't make it up the small incline just outside of her complex so I had to back up and go another way. Luckily that worked out. The main roads aren't too bad, at least, the ones I drove on today. I hope it stays that way. I live at the top of a pretty significant hill. The city takes pretty good care of it, but even so...
It worries me a little.
I am a bit paranoid about winter driving this year. Usually I am not too worried about the snow, or sliding off the road. I am a very careful driver, and I generally avoid the freeway (one benefit of not living in a huge city where it's necessary to commute). I could be wrong, but I think part of the reason I feel this way, is because I am not surrounded by my usual crowd of friends. Of course, I wasn't the past two winters either, but then I was in Texas and Federal Way. In FW it snowed briefly, but it didn't stay long. It generally does not snow at all in San Antonio. So, anyway, in the past I also knew quite a few people with the same pasttimes that I had, so it was easy to hitch a ride somewhere in case of weather. For two years before I moved away, I also had roommates and neighbors who went to the same church as I did, and all the things associated with. So...I don't know. I guess it adds to the security factor.
These days I am just kind of doing my own thing. I suppose I am a bit hermity. Sometimes I go to work quite early in the morning, before anyone else is on the road. The other part of the time I come home after dark. Not super late, but late in the wintertime. People tend to stay in more in the winter, so the roads are not so busy after 9p.m. Of course, that also depends on the weather. Basically it comes down to the fact that I am generally driving alone, in the dark, with barely anyone on the road. It means that there are less maniacs around to cause accidents, lol, but it also means that if anything happens, there is noone around to see.
I find that slightly frightening.
I pray, a lot, that nothing bad will happen.
You've gotta do what you've gotta do. I try not to dwell on it.

Well, I have around 14 days left to finish my Christmas projects, one of which is a needlepoint piece. My fingers are freezing, which I've gotta say is not really so helpful. I am going to attempt to work on it anyway.
Away I go!


Currently Listening to:
Nat King Cole/Christmas

Currently Reading: Robert Jordan/A Crown of Swords

Why Not.

Greetings from Amanda the non-blogger.

So, I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes when I go to bed at night, all of the things from that evening mush together in my head and create really odd dreams.
Last night, I was looking at some pictures of my adorable friend Bridget, who is pregnant. She is the cutest pregnant lady ever! I was thinking about calling my friend Dave who I hadn't spoken to in awhile, and I sent a message to my friend Tonya from high school, asking her who in the heck this other girl was who had sent me a friend request on Facebook. Apparently other friends of mine know her, but I got nothin'.

So after all of that, among other things, I decided to go to bed.
I dreamt that I was pregnant...weird. I dreamt that my friend Dave (who I didn't meet until I was 26) gave me a ride back to high school (but the building was really my old junior high and there was a wedding going on in the basement). All of my old classmates were there, but they were not teenagers, they were adults. It was now, but in high school. Lol! I don't know! It was BIZARRO! haha.
Okay, here is the best part...
After "school" my girlhood friend Danielle drove me home. We were in the same van Dave had driven us to school in. The roads we drove down were way more quaint than our neighborhood really was back then. Suddenly, she started driving like a maniac! We were racing down these tiny streets with huge canopy trees above us! Then, she decided to take a short cut and she flipped the van upside down! Miraculously we were unharmed, but I was shocked and crawled out as fast as I could!
What goes on in my brain while I am sleeping...I just have no idea.
There are very odd things floating around in there.

So, I just haven't felt like blogging lately. Probably because I just don't feel like sharing. That's right, I have become a non-sharer. I really need to snap out of it, but I haven't figured out how yet. I am in some weird transitionary phase and it sucks. I was complaining about something...who knows what...to my friend Chris. I think it had to do with my being in a bad mood. Anyway, he said; "Write that! That is a great time to write!" Which is true of course, but I didn't do it.

I make myself crazy, but I am working on that.
Why can't life be just a little bit easier?!
Ppplllbbbb!!!!!

Jenny.

I am a bad, bad little blogger.
I give myself a good excuse this week.

My dear friend Jennifer passed away on Tuesday in the late morning.
She had a very long surgery that day to remove some tumors which were caused by a disease called Nuerofibromatosis. She did not come out of the surgery.
Her family and I are very very heartbroken.

Jennifer was 32 years old, two months older than me. We have been friends since the 7th grade. We graduated together, and worked together for awhile after high school. I was in her wedding. She and her husband, who is also a dear friend of mine, and his family, moved to San Antonio in 1996 and I stayed in Washington. Though time has taken us to different places, we never stopped being friends. She was a very loyal friend, very good to me. She always saw the best in me.
We all knew the surgery was serious...tricky. Isn't every surgery? You just never know. Even so, it came as a shock to us all. It still seems surreal to me. I have had to call other friends from high school and old coworkers that she was friends with, and everytime I talk to one I want to call Jen up afterwards and say; "Hey! guess who I talked to?!" ..But I can't.
Everything makes me think of her. Old country songs that come on the radio. Candles. Fuzzy socks. Counting tills at work. Random stuff, I know.

Just because you have gone through grief before, doesn't make it easier. It's a different person, a different part of your heart that they occupy.

Jen may not have been my sister, but she was like one. I have known her for so very long. So many memories are wrapped up in our friendship. It makes me feel like little parts of myself are being torn away, and that one day my history will be all gone. It is true that the fabric of our lives is made up of people.

There are other things I can't talk about yet..in detail. Jen & Daniel connected me to their families and other friends. There are others with whom we have memories and it is impossible not to think about those other people right now as well. I wonder if I can even be friends with those people, without Jen. Will that ever not hurt?

Last fall, I followed a prompting in my spirit to go to San Antonio. I had reconnected with Jen & Daniel after a long absence. I lived with them for most of the six months I was down there. Who could know?
I thought I was there for other reasons, and that my time with them and Daniel's family was just an added bonus. Praise God that He knows things we don't know. It is because of His great mercy that I was able to spend that time with my friend. I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving there with them. Jen and I went out to breakfast on Christmas Eve. I keep thinking about that day. It was such a good day, shopping and hanging out. I remember feeling really blessed. It is a joyful memory, in the midst of sadness.
I am glad, after all, that I sometimes do crazy things. You know, like moving to Texas for "no good reason." :p
Maybe it is a blessing not to be so bound to things or places, that we cannot follow a feeling like that. There is always a reason. I hope in the future when things are hard, that I can remember that. Maybe Jen will be my reminder.

What else can I say? My heart just hurts. Grief is a process. I was not able to be with those that I love in SA for the memorial. I hope I will be able to see them all again soon, although it will be hard to be there without her.

It has been a long week and I am very drained and tired now.
That is all I have it in me to share.

C-Span, Debates, Wall Street, Oh My!

So, I had most of an entry written about my own personal politics, but I just didn't feel like it.
What it comes to right now is that I am irritated. I don't know who I am going to vote for. I tend to vote conservative, but I don't want to vote for a party so I keep my mind open. I both like and have concerns about Obama and McCain. Right now I think we need a change no matter what it looks like. Having said that, I take voting very seriously. I worry about voting for the wrong person, even if I am just one little vote.
I am from Washington, which means that most of my state is voting for Obama. The democratic candidate could pretty much torture children and kick puppies and we would still vote blue. So, even if I decided not to vote for Obama, would it really matter? Of course, I am going to vote how I feel like I should vote reguardless. Even if it doesn't matter.

I feel very torn this year, which isn't normal. I couldn't stand wishy-washy Kerry and there was no love lost for Gore either. I would have voted for Bush as the lesser of two evils either way. I guess it is not cool these days to say that you voted for Bush. Noone likes him anymore. The Republicans are just remaining tight-lipped, trying not to incriminate themselves further. No matter what McCain and Palin do, they are never going to get out from under the Bush stigma.

I just keep watching debates and reading whatever I can, and hopefully I am getting closer to being ready for November 4th.
At this point, if whoever elected doesn't screw things up worse than they already are, I think we got an okay deal. Unfortunate to think that way, but there it is.
It's all very frustrating. And that's all I feel like saying right now.

It's just another rainy night without you

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow

I felt like adding that little quote today, because, well, it amuses me.
Also, it is not raining. Queensryche popped into my head just as I sat down to type. So there you go, random title.

Let's see...what is on Amanda's brain today? Oh! I know. Integrity.
Some people have integrity. Other people seem not to.
This is an issue I have been dealing with at work lately. Okay, not only lately, but it is driving more crazy right now than at other times. Not very long ago I was in a friend's office and she had a magnet on her filing cabinet that said: "If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself." I love that.
Basically, I work my ass off at work, whether anyone else is watching or not. Of course, you hope working hard pays off, but I want to feel like I am doing the best I can reguardless of what other people choose to do. It irritates me to see people being taken advantage of, however, by those who really don't give a tiny mice's hiney (Amanda's own term. Yes, I know "mice's" is not correct use of the English language), about their job. What is it with these people?!?! They just get away with everything!!!!! They wrap other people around their deceitful little finger!! Grrr. Rawr. I don't like to see the awesome people I work with get caught in the middle either. I hate to see the rockstars having to pick up the slack for others who make just as much as they do. I realize that this is corporate America, but I don't have to like it!!! IT MAKES ME MAD!!! DO YOU HEAR THAT PERSON AT WORK WHO I CAN'T NAME?!?!?! :p Of course, if I made it my sole objective to make that person's life a living nightmare, I would only be sinking to their level of treachery. *sigh*

All I can say is, you better not try to throw my friends under the bus little missy. Oh, no no.

I really need to work on my attitude, since my frustration has been known to get the better of me. I do the best job I can at work, and that is above reproach, but nevertheless.. In the end, it will be her actions that cause her demise and not mine. I need to remind myself of that.
I need to stop. I am annoyed and it can just balloon out of proportion. All I want to say is; Do the right thing manager, do the right thing. Don't be sucked in by that false;"I am a holy and respectable church going single mom" bit. Don't be fooled!

I wish I had something better to talk about, but a coworker called me a little while ago regaurding a situation that happened at work over the weekend. So now it is on my mind. I am going to read or watch tv to distract myself from it. It is LAME! It would be easy for me to name names, whether they will read this or not, and bash on the offenders until they know the rough side of my tongue (or typing fingers!), but instead I will leave their identities at work and offer them at least a modicum of the decency they should learn to share with others. Hmph.

P.S. I CAN'T STAND CHRISTIANS WHO LIVE INSIDE THEIR LITTLE BUBBLE, INSIDE THEIR LITTLE FAKE FACADE, PRETENDING TO EVERYONE HOW PRETTY THEY THINK THEY ARE OR SHOULD BE, WHILE INSIDE THEY ARE JUST A NASTY CANKER!!! They are giving us all a bad name. Phoo!


Currently Listening to: Emery, The Question

Currently Reading: The Dragon Reborn by Robert Jordan

"The memory so clear, it's as if it's still before me..."

I really need to go back and re-read this blog, to remind myself of the things I have or have not written about and so not repeat myself over and over.
That said...
What is it about the past that seems to capture people my age? For me it's been happening for awhile, but I can tell it is not just me, since suddenly multitudes of my classmates are appearing and adding each other on Facebook. Of course, they aren't all my friends, but when I go to someone else's page I see more of them.
This random connection of mine, Jonathan, recently commented to me; "Isn't it interesting how the universe causes things to happen right when they are supposed to?" I tend to think in terms of "God" rather than "universe," but anyway, you get the gist.
Anyone who reads this, which these days basically consists of Jill since I have been neglecting it for so long, probably knows how I reconnected somewhat recently with my friend Chris. At least, I think it would be obvious, since I wrote about him and then he left me a comment. :p

Well, out of the favorite people of all time category, Chris is not alone (sorry buddy). :p
I had a best friend in high school. Actually, I have tried to give this title to a couple of other people over the years, just as Becky (hi Becky!), as I am back and forth all the time with saying it of her. We have known each other and been close forever, so it only seems right. The problem is, it doesn't feel right. I wonder if Chris feels this when he thinks back about a couple of people he used to know. In any case, no matter how I try to get around it, I have only ever had one best friend. Have I had many very very good friends? Yes, I truly have. Some, like Becky, are closer than others. Still, no matter how or to whom I try to apply the term, it never feels right. It never ever has. There is only one, and no matter how many years between conversations, she is it. I don't know why. It just is.

My best friend's name is Kareth and I haven't (actually hadn't) talked to her in...seven years. Longer actually, but technically she appeared at my sister's funeral seven years ago and I remember hugging her. That is all I remember. I was kind of in a daze as you can probably imagine. We lost touch some time ago. This is mostly my fault as far as I am concerned, but I won't go into details. It's a long story. Plus, since she is my best friend, I don't really want to say anything too personal here that is not mine to share. It would be hard for me to share too much about us or our situation without delving into personal things that I do not feel at liberty to share. So I must be vague. I will leave it at this.
Life did not work out for her the way I wanted it to.
She was always a deeply intelligent and beautiful person who cheered me on. As far as I was concerned, she could do anything she wanted. Life takes turns that sometimes we cannot foresee. And so it was. I didn't really know how to deal with that. I was young, and maybe a little shallow, and apparently not as faithful as I thought I was. And so, gradually, we drifted in our own directions.
*sigh*
It is weird to me now, how I can feel the way I do about the past, about these old friends of mine. After all, I have been blessed to know amazing and incredible people since then. I have had great and interesting experiences. Despite all of that, nothing can overshadow them. They loom larger than life inside of me. That is just the way it is. I put their pictures in my office, the place where I hide and write. Those pictures, I cannot explain this...they tear my heart open. You know how people use the term "like an open wound?" I wouldn't think of them as a wound, but it is something like that. Over the years there are some things you bury inside yourself, I guess. Well, those pictures, just sitting there...they seem to lay me bare. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I think it's good in a lot of ways.

So back to my best friend...
I sent her a letter awhile ago. I had managed to track down an address for her. I never heard back though. She didn't know how to respond. I suppose it was a pretty intense letter after so many years. So last week I stumbled across her brother, and his wife gave me an email address. Of course I wrote, and this time I got a response.
I am full of emotions I cannot describe. I am not even sure why I feel the way I do. Maybe there is no explanation.
It's kind of uncanny and amazing actually, to feel so much depth of emotion. Life seems to do it's best to rob us of our deep feelings.

I don't really know what my intent was in writing this entry. Just now I am reminded of this conversation I had with Joe a long time ago. For some reason, it is a dialogue I have thought of many times since then. In my mind it does not connect to what I am sharing in this blog, but then I realize that the reason it strikes me, is because now it shows me an example of who I was and then who I became. Now I seem to be recovering some of what was lost...praise the Lord.

I'm sorry. I am all over the place tonight. Not that that is really all that unusual, but sometimes it's worse, and this is one of those times.
That is all I have to say for now.

So Very Easily Distracted

Okay, so it's true that I have not accomplished as much as I wanted to by this time today but it's been a decent day even so. I have this extra little room in my apartment, technically I suppose it is a sun room. There are a lot of windows covered in blinds. It opens to the living room through these beautiful glass french doors. I wonder if a million years ago (obviously I exaggerate), there used to be a porch here. The reason why I wonder that is because there are also windows on either side of the french doors, complete with locks on the inside (living room side). In any case, it's a fabulous little room, which has mostly held the plants I didn't know where else to put and a huge, ancient record player; perhaps I should say stereo record player. It does have am/fm radio. The thing is gargantuan and it weighs a ton. I got it from this family during a church rummage sale about five years ago. They wanted it to go away and I thought it was a fabulous treasure. It's a nightmare to move, but it's in great condition.
Yeah, okay, so back to the room. I have been wondering what exactly I was going to do with it. I have had a few ideas. Then, recently, some friends of mine were having this estate sale and they had this lovely old roll top desk. They had so much stuff that they just really needed to get rid of, that they gave me the desk for 20$ and they even brought it up to my house for me! Sweet! The desk fit perfectly on one side of my little sunroom. It looked so nice sitting there that I had this brilliant idea to turn my sunroom into a writing room. A normal desktop wouldn't fit on the desk, but the laptop is another story, so that works out just fine. Plus, since it is in a separate room, there is no tv or anything like that.
Okay, so I had to start geeking my room out right? I hung up a big map of Randland (ie; The Wheel of Time world), and a picture I got from a Calendar which may be the cover from A Path of Daggers. I can't remember offhand. I had this poster, just something old school, with a bunch of writing stuff on it; quill pens, parchment paper and all that. Then I had these pages that I had written some great quotes on and I hung those up to, as well as some sheet music that I have had since high school.

Not too long ago, I started doing a lot more writing and I was surprised to realize that as I was doing it a lot more great ideas were coming to me in the process. I actually started a few different things. One thing has kind of lead to another. In any case, one idea seemed to take off more than the rest, and I found myself modeling my characters after a couple of people that I used to know. These were dear friends who really inspired me, and possibly impacted me more than just about anyone. It gave me the idea to dig out some old pictures and let them sit there on my desk, which I did.
My little room is shaping up nicely, though I sometimes think I could be better employed than sitting here wondering what I could do to it next. =)

One of the pictures I have on my desk now is the senior picture of my best friend from high school. There is also a picture of us together. It shocks me to realize that there aren't really very many pictures of us together at all.
I think that the people in the pictures I have taken out do inspire me. They also seem to rip me open and leave me bare. It's good and bad. You have to get to that place, but it is also uncomfortable. It's important to me though and I cannot entirely explain why.

So I am in the middle of this story that I really love so far, but it is full of gaping holes that I have not yet figured out how to fill in. I suppose I should get back to it though. I just wanted to update since it has been such a long time that I have not been doing so.


Currently Reading: The Great Hunt - Robert Jordan

Currently Listening To: All the houses look the same - Deas Vail

Back From the Abyss

“I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free.” That is a line in one of my favorite gospel songs: ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow‘. It may sound familiar as it was performed a few years ago by Lauryn Hill in Sister Act II. It’s a beautiful song, but that is the line in particular that always sticks out to me. It represents to me a state of mind. Life may oppress, things may not go my way, but on the inside I can still be happy. I am still free. That is something that no one can ever take away from me.
Lately I have been so busy with work, and other distractions. My schedule has been all over the place. It’s bothersome because I would like to spend more time writing. I would like the free time I do have to be more productive, but it’s hard for me to stay focused when everything changes everyday.
I feel a little melancholy about that. Things have been going really good for me, but anytime that you spend most of your time and energy on one thing, that means you are sacrificing it somewhere else. For me, I have spent a great deal of time and energy on my job. Of course it’s not brain surgery. You’d think that it would be something easy to leave there and forget about once I’m home, and often that is true, but I am an overachiever. I spend too much time there off the clock. I do whatever extra I can, and I come in whenever they need me.
Obviously, since I am getting promoted, or maybe I should say, have gotten promoted since my training is currently happening, they have seen my hard work and it has paid off. I’m glad because I do need the raise, and I might as well get paid more for all the work I do. Even so, it’s a bit of a double edged sword. I like my job and I want to be a person who does great in whatever job they do, whether or not anyone is looking. My writing has been really taking off though as well. I have had some really great ideas and lately I have done more writing that I have done in…well, years really. I feel this deep need to be writing. When I spend my time reading or being distracted by something else, I almost feel guilty. It is a desire that I have been putting on the back burner for far too long. *sigh*
So, although the promotion is a good thing, the greater responsibilities at work only serve to distract me from my real passion.
I do feel however, that once things calm down a bit, and hopefully my schedule falls into a bit more of a routine, it will be easier to make more time for writing. It’s hard for me to jump in and out of that place in an hour. I really desire blocks of time. I find that I am all or nothing and when it comes to writing, I need time to just lose myself there.
So, as yet another distraction, I am re-reading the Wheel of Time series. I am about 200 pages into The Great Hunt right now. I was thinking that I would re-read before the final book comes out, possibly next fall. It will take me awhile and I wanted to have a great deal of time, so that I would not be rushed and could just kind of mosey along.
A friend/coworker of mine has recently read the last couple of books and is now going to start re-reading for the first time. He has been talking about all the things that happened in the last books and it is making me REALLY excited to get to those books. This will be the 4th time I have read the series, but I haven’t re-read since before book ten, so I have only read those final two books once apiece. It still amazes me that I have never re-read Knife of Dreams, since that was pretty much the most exciting book ever. I laughed, I cried, IT MOVED ME!!!! Haha.
Needless to say, all of this enthusiasm is causing me to read the series much faster than I was intending. It did take me two weeks to finish The Eye of the World, which is a long time for me, but I was not reading as much at home as usual; more on breaks at work and stuff like that. Still, I just started book two the day before yesterday and I haven’t read any today. If I keep up like this, it will be finished next week and I will be on to book three already. So much for spacing it out slowly before next fall!!!! :p
Well, we shall see what happens.
I get that guilty twinge when I read instead of writing, as if I am betraying myself, so I try to set only certain times for myself to read. That might help me pace myself. =)
I’ve actually read quite a few books this year. More than usual anyway. Joe is undoubtedly still kicking my arse, regardless. I have given up trying to compete with him…sort of. ;) I could possibly catch up, if not for the fact that half the time I was spending reading is now being spent writing instead. Such is life. One day, my New Years resolution will succeed. Just maybe not this year. :p

Currently Reading:
The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan

Currently Listening to:
Viva la Vida, Coldplay

*cough cough*

I am feeling a bit under the weather.
This has been going on for a few days now, but I think yesterday and Wednesday were the worst. Luckily, yesterday and today were my days off. I have pretty much been hiding out in my house, watching old tv episodes, blowing my nose a lot the whole time. Today I feel a bit better, but my nose is still stuffy, and I am still trying to drink enough tea, and rest my voice enough that I won't get that horrible lingering cough that always comes next. I have pretty much learned that this is the only way to defeat it...do nothing. No talking, no playing... just resting, taking vitamins, drinking lots of liquids.
We'll see how I am tomorrow. Tomorrow is my Monday (joy) and I will have to do a lot of talking at work. Saturday mornings start out a lot slower than other days though, so that helps. =)

Last night I had this bizarro dream about an old friend and her husband. I have crazy dreams you know that?!?!?! Last week I dreamt that I was getting ready for my first day of school - my senior year! In high school!!! ha! I need to start picking out the really amusing ones and sharing them...just for sheer entertainment value =)

So the weather is FINALLY doing something nice. It actually SNOWED here last week. Ugh. It's sunny and nice out now though ( I observed this while sneaking out to get my mail.). It is supposed to hit almost 70 this weekend. Wahoo!!!
Even so, I am hiding in my house. The sunshine might do me good, but my head feels a little swirly at the moment. I see a nap in the near future.

Yesterday I watched all the episodes of that show "New Amsterdam." It wasn't bad. I had tried to watch it on tv once, but I felt kind of lost. So, I thought it would help to watch the Pilot. I had nothing else to do either, so I watched the other six episodes I found. Generally I get tired sitting still that long, but yesterday it was good. I don't know what I am going to watch today. I think I will go and browse. :p

Anyway, I thought I better update since I had been neglected my blog...as usual.

Well, here we go again.

Once again I find myself in this wretched place of self consciousness.
It is something that I never used to struggle with so much.
I think it is a byproduct of some of my experiences, disappointment, and bitterness. It is because I hate it so much that I have decided to post this entry.

Maybe I have blogged this before, but once when I was, I think, a sophomore in high school, I was crying in my room. Who knows why. I was a teenager!!! Something had upset me though and I remember praying (and I was not a big pray-er back then). My prayer was that I would always be sensitive. That even though it hurt me dreadfully, I would never allow myself to become completely calloused and hard hearted.
That was so many years ago.

Since that time I have gone through many evolutions. The kind of evolutions that come with life. Becoming a sincere person of faith rather than one who hung on the fringe, experiencing the loss of a most beloved sister, visiting (for an extended period) the third world for the first time. Relationships, good and sometimes bad, coming into and going out of my life.
My parents divorce.

At times I have felt joyful and full of hope. At times I have felt depressed, sorrowful, abandoned. My faith has sustained me through all of this in some way or another.
Especially in the recent years though, I have started overlooking my blessings, and focusing on my disappointments.
I didn't really mean to do it, it just sort of started happening. I mean, I was hurt! Hurt leads people to close off parts of their heart. It is easier for some of us to keep from doing this. I am not one of those people. Well, okay, sometimes with the help of Jesus I am. Not lately.
Building walls is my preferred defense mechanism.
It always has been. Some people get mad, or sarcastic, I get out the drywall.
However, for many years I had a couple of groups of awesome friends who helped to sustain me through the rough patches. Youth and vitality helped me to bounce back. I learned to forgive.
Even so, there are some relationships, the one with my Mother for instance, in which I built walls when I was very young that I cannot now imagine ever being able to tear down.
We do get along pretty well, but they are there and I am sometimes very aware of them.

Some people seem to have a magic card of Amanda's grace. For whatever reason I can keep forgiving them no matter what they do. I can love them even if they rip out my heart.
Even so, there are areas of my life where resentment has grown, and bitterness has rolled in like a fog, making the truth blurry.

Here is a painful example of my issues.
When I become attracted to someone, I immediately go into denial. At least, inside my head. Whatever my reaction to that guy in person, in my mind there is a barrage of lies. Though I know that many of these lies are just that, believing them comforts me. It makes me think that by listening to them, I will be abe to avoid getting hurt and humiliated.
So right now there is a young man who has drawn my attention. He seems to be from a good family, while mine is a tattered mess.
He seems to be responsible where I lack disipline.
I immediately began berating myself that someone like this could ever be interested in me.
My logical mind concluded that this would keep me from being hopeful and then disappointed.
It doesn't really work. I mean, you can't shield yourself from disappointments, though still I try.
The sad thing is, I don't generally dislike myself. In fact, I think I am interesting, intelligent, loyal, and kind. So then I feel sad and don't understand how I can be unlovable, when in fact, I shut love out.

Last week I was listening to some Mark Driscoll sermon which just kind of reminded me of my real priorities. Getting back to the basics if you will. As I have been trying to do that I have also been trying to find balance.
Attraction is a normal, God given part of us. God created relationships, etc etc. Trying to close yourself off from the disappointment of them is only letting fear run your life, and no longer being open to all of its surpises and beauty.
So yes, it is very possible that this guy will not get to see what a rockstar I am. :p
However, I am forcing myself to go with the flow. It sucks. This is someone I see on a somewhat regular basis. Today was a very ackward and uncomfortable day which I did not appreciate.
Still, I am fighting, every day, that urge to deny. I am forcing myself to live in the ackward moment. Frankly, I hate it.
Such is life.
Good and bad, happy and sorrowful, it has many layers. The bad ones make the good ones that much more enjoyable.

Having said all that, I suppose I am having a mini revival. I am not exactly sure how else to describe it at the moment.
Allowing myself to be open for God to change my heart and do whatever He wants to do. I cannot do it on my own.
It hurts to remove old callouses. It is not an easy process.
I went to a small church the other day, and the girl I was with knew all these people. Ugh. I felt overwhelmed. I did not want to meet them. I wanted to sit in worship and then make my great escape.
I am not as trusting as I once was. Friendships take time and I have a healthy fear of rushing into them.
Isn't it funny how I make it sound as if something HORRIBLE has happened to me?!?!
It hasn't. I mean, I have been wounded, but we all have been. We all are.
This is how I have responded. Over time, it has made me cold and hard. Maybe not with those who know me closely, but even so, it is there. I have been aware of it growing, like a cancer, for quite some time. I don't want to live my life that way.

The Lord and I are having a conversation. It's a long, slow conversation that reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet." Several excerpts actually, but this is the one that always comes to mind.

"When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth."

later he says;
"..let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."

My friend Jeanine used to always say; "run into the pain."

I wouldn't say that I am doing any running. LOL! Still, I am trying to go there, hoping to come out on a somewhat brighter other side.

So that's what is up with me.
Ironically, when I started this post I was thinking about faith.
I will leave you with the song that inspired me.


All I Need (Did Not Catch Her Name) by Caedmon's Call
"I did not catch her name
I did not catch her tears
But they hit me like a train
When her story hit my ears
Mother of eight sons
Father off to war
Got no home address
Just bricks on a dirt floor
And she said, "Jesus is all I need"

Tiny plot of land
Corn stored up in piles
The years it doesn't rain
They just stay hungry for a while
With no fatted calf to kill
She made a feast of cuy and corn, she said
Who else knew my name before
The day that I was born?
Jesus is all I need
Jesus is all I need

And she bragged about her boys
how they're growing into men
how they learned to praise the Lord
Old style Ecuadorian
But to buy the new guitar
We had to sell the swine
See my boys go to school on a foreign angel's dime

This world calls me poor
I bore my babies on this floor
But He always provides
Sure as the sun will rise
So I sing Him songs of praise
'Cause I know He keeps me in His gaze

Rain fell from the sky
We raced back to the van
Tears in the eyes
Of this poor forgetful man
Mother of eight sons
She knows the peace of God
Lord, help me learn to lean on
Thy staff and Thy rod

Jesus is all I need ..."

Disappointed as Usual.

Okay, I know that we all have our varying opinions on politics.
I did not vote in the primaries, and I have been withholding my decision on who I am going to vote for in November.
I confess however, that I have been leaning towards voting for Obama.
(Ryan, try to control your apoplexy!)
I know that I don't want to vote for Hillary. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to vote for McCain.
I'm not going to vote based on one situation alone, however, I am not thrilled about this whole Jeremiah Wright thing.
Having a lot of church going experience myself, I know the kind of power and influence a pastor can wield. If you stay in a church for 20 years, there is a pretty good chance that you are at least mostly in agreement with the church leadership.
If not, I can't conceive how you could sit there Sunday after Sunday.
I didn't leave my own church based on a serious difference in beliefs. I left because I didn't like the way those beliefs were lived out. That alone made me antsy and miserable until I finally made a break with them.
Can I judge a 30 year ministry on a few clips from tv though, that is the real question. Do I know that this man is inherantly evil and has therefore lead Barack Obama to the dark side?

Voting for president always scares me. It's a big deal. What if I vote for a bad person?? There is always that chance. I have liked candidates before who did not end up being what I hoped.
Having said that, I still think we need a change.
It has been hammered into me for a long time that I am a Republican, that I vote for Republicans.
Why?
Because they generally oppose abortion and gay marriage? Is that it? Are those the big issues??
Right now I am concerned that gas costs 5$ a gallon, and the economy is in the tank. I am concerned that we let people rack up thousands of dollars in debts that they can't pay for, and that the national debt keeps climbing while everybody is fighting over other more petty issues.

I wish that I could vote for the best person, rather than a party favorite. Right now I just wish we could see a change. I have nothing personally against George W. Bush. In fact, I am sure that in regular life he is a very nice man. I am not going to sit here and bitch about his opinions and what he has and hasn't done. The reality is however, that we keep voting for rich, white men. It's not that being white and wealthy make you inherantly bad. I am not saying that. What I am saying, is that it might be nice to have a different perspective for once.
I don't know.
Frankly I am just completely frustrated about politics and I am sure that a lot of other people feel the same way.

Anyway, we will see who gets the vote, Hillary or Obama, and then I will decide who is the lesser of two evils.
Pretty sad to look at it that way, but there it is.

*Yawn*

Life is so bizarre and unexplainable.

On Saturday I had the most uncomfortable work day. I don't know why.
I liked all the people I was working with. The store manager kept telling me to do things I already knew, and I wanted to make faces at him. I was feeling terrible and old. This other guy who I worked with almost the entire day was being very quiet, although he did not seem cranky. I tried to engage him in conversation a couple of times, but it was not effective, and it was a pretty slow day which meant that there was a lot of silence.
It felt like ackward silence to me. Pleh.

I haven't been here terribly long, so I don't know everyone super well. That could be part of the issue, just expecting people to behave differently than they do. However, I have worked with this guy quite a lot already and he is generally friendlier and more talkative with me.
It was a lousy day and I was glad to go home.

I was supposed to have lunch with my friend Dave, but he bailed. Actually, he never even called me at all, grr. Other tentative plans fell through as well, so I decided to be charitable and babysit for my brother. I was there until 2a.m. It wasn't a bit surprise, but I was still unhappy about it. I slept in gloriously this morning though.
I am hoping that tomorrow I am going to wake up in a much better mood than I have recently been in.

Oooooohhhhhhh I almost had a heart attack when I checked my gmail inbox tonight as an afterthought, and there was a comment notification from Chris. NO WAY!!! I totally thought it wasn't real at first. lol!

On that note, I am going to crawl into my covers and pray for cheerfulness and a positive outlook for my Monday. Ha. :p

Language of the Heart

It's getting late and luckily I do not have to work in the morning. I am going to sleep in and then lay around and read for as long as possible...because that sounds fabulous. =)
During high school, on some choir trip, my friends Chris and Jerry made me listen to this song called "How Did You Find Me Here." It was a beautiful song. A big favorite of theirs, I heard it mentioned on several occasions. After high school when I was missing my friends, I went hunting for the album it belonged to and that is when I really became a David Wilcox fan.
David is a folk singer, and I love his variety of music. Nice, chill, acoustic guitar.
Tonight my friend Jan was over and we were watching all these old eighties songs and early nineties songs on youtube. After she left my song fest continued and I ended up looking for David, as the only album of his I had has long since dissappeared. I miss it. A lot.
I'm not sure it is really the music I ought to be listening to, as it reminds me of my friends, and I don't need any help there this week.
I am feeling rather sad. Melancholy. Don't get me wrong, everything is fine with me. I am blessed and taken care of.
Even so, I can't help missing those friends of mine and wishing that I could see them again.
These kinds of feelings come and go. Maybe I am a bit more emotional than some people, or maybe am just realizing that there are a couple of really great people that I let wander out of my life with no resistance on my part at all. Whatever the case, I cannot help the heartache I feel, but do the best that I can despite it.

OH!!! By the way...yesterday this guy I knew from high school totally walked right into our Starbucks! I hadn't seen him in...Oh, almost ten years. We used to be kind of friends and write letters when he was in the Navy the year after high school. It was so BIZARRE especially considering the state of my emotions this week!!! I was like...NO WAY! We had a nice short chat. It was just weird. I ran into another girl last week. Not sure if I mentioned that. I don't run into people I knew back then very often, so both people were pretty unexpected. Good to see them and know that they are doing well though. I really liked seeing them both.

So I finally got around to writing my three and a half page letter. I mailed it this morning and now I just wait. I don't think I am really worried about what my friend is going to say...just how long it is going to take me to hear back from her, and how different things are now, and trying to move forward from this point on.

People are always astonished by my great memory. I am telling you though, it is a blessing and a curse. I remember some things as if they happened yesterday. Even in my heart it is as if it were only yesterday.
But it wasn't.
It feels near when it was really far far away. A long time ago. It kind of sucks. ...In case you wanted to know. hehe :p

Lara and Jill, are you on Facebook? Enquiring Amanda's want to know. :p
*hugs*
Goodnight all.

Spring is attempting to show it's face.

Today I actually didn't have to wear a coat at all. It was a beautiful thing. Wonderful in every way in fact. =)

It is nearly spring and I am boy crazy. Okay, actually I am not really. I generally cannot be referred to as "boy crazy," however, I am hearing the luring sound of birds and bees and silly crushes that mean nothing. :p

Tomorrow I work early and not a really long shift, so I am planning on writing a letter to an old friend. Did I mention that in my last post?? Yeah, well I have been meaning to do it this week and kept putting it off. I want to do it when I really have a lot of time to sit and write forever without being interrupted. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it, mostly for reasons that are too much to explain.

On another note...
Chris Davlin! Where ARE you?!?!?!
Now that I have said your name on my blog, perhaps you will randomly google yourself and see that I want to know. hehehe. Sneaky. Sly even.
Seriously though, I haven't seen my friend Chris Davlin in five kajillion years and I miss him. We were pals ya know?! I want him to come to town and drink some coffee with me (or tea), and then go do something really silly as if we were teenagers again. That would be fun. In fact, that would be so wonderful that I wouldn't even have to do anything fun for the whole rest of the year!!! I would just glide by on the joy of that one occasion!!!!
You hear that Chris Davlin?!?!?!?!
COME OUT OF YOUR HIDEY HOLE!!!!!! =)
*sigh*

My heart is kind of sad this week. I mentioned this before. It's nothing unbearable. It will pass. Still, I just can't help it nor seem to explain it. Luckily, other than that I am pretty well. Money is tight, but what's really new there?!?! Ha! Life is good and I can't really complain about it...too much. :p At least, now that it's warming up a bit!!
Oh, there is nothing like a good cold front to make you truly appreciate spring. I feel as if it is the most glorious thing in the world!!

Okay, I have to get up really early to go to work, so I probably should head in that direction.



Listening to: Indigo Girls "Swamp Ophelia" So Awesome.

Back after a long absence...

Well, I am finally a bit settled into the new apartment and Spokane is going just fine so far.
I am getting used to a new laptop so my typing feels a bit off.
Currently I am so exhausted that I think I might fall asleep typing this at any second!

Today was a long day. It ended with a nice chat on the phone with my friend Caleb in L.A. who I have not spoken to in awhile, so that was nice. =)
Yay for my friends!!

Work is going pretty well here. I don't really have complaints. Of course I will add a lot more information later, it's just that right now I can barely keep my eyes open!! Oh, and such a headache! I am having a nice glass of wine though, which is only helping me to go to sleep sooner.

The past couple of days I have been taking a trip down memory lane...mostly due to the fact that I really need to write a letter to my best friend from high school, etc. I got an address for her recently and it's just been tooooo long! Anyway, I was thinking about her and the sad direction her life has taken, and also my friend Chris who we used to hang out with. I don't know why, but it makes my heart sad. I wish they were still in my life.
Anyway, hopefully this is my reentry to the blogosphere. I have been reading a bit lately, and one of these days I will have to post a list so that Joe can make fun of me for being ten (or however many) books behind!! haha!!

To sleep for now!

Somewhere Out There..

Sorry folks. I am out in lala land right now!!! Ha!

Actually, I drove far far away from San Antonio, back to Washington. I found a darling apartment and I am trying to get everything settled. I probably will not be posting much because I am busy, but I also have not set up my internet or anything yet, and I am not sure when exactly I will.
So, I just wanted to give a little heads up.
There are certain things I want to comment on, and perhaps those things will be a little more fleshed out by the time I get around to posting again. Something to look forward to?!
Ooh! Pictures too! I have taken a couple of all the snow, and of a tiny town I drove through on the way home...which is darling! So I will also get those onto my laptop at a later time.
For now I just wanted to say; HELLO OUT THERE!!!!!! =)

Grey's Anatomy...

Someone got me thinking today about some of my favorite show endings.

Last season there was a wonderful episode end of Bones, where they played a song called "Bring on the Wonder," by Susan Enan. The particular version of the song that aired also featured Sarah McLaughlin. I have searched everywhere for that version but can't find it. I did, however, add Susan Enan to my friends list on myspace and was able to listen to another version of the song there.

I am also particularly moved by that Anna Nalick song "Breathe." I know that by now we have all heard it a zillion times, but I never get tired of it. I don't know why. What's funny is that the song ALWAYS makes me think of Grey's Anatomy, because when it first came out it aired on an episode that sticks out in my mind. It was right after the Superbowl so they hyped it up. If you watch the show, you will remember the episode where the guy has a bomb...I forget the exact details of the device, but something homemade...stuck in his chest.
Despite the fact that it was nearly two years ago, I always remember that song on that episode. Crazy.

It just goes to show how much television also impacts music.
Remember when Buffy used to be on, and all these folks (including Michelle Branch and Aimee Mann) were seen playing at the Bronze?

Okay, so music lead me to looking up some clips on YouTube.

I am telling you, there have been a couple of moments on Grey's Anatomy where they have just ripped my heart out and handed it back to me on a platter. Like the episode where Denny dies, and Izzy lies on the floor for a whole day in a big pink prom dress? That is so like grief. I can relate to that episode. This one is my fave though, and I had to post it.
As far as I know, a fan made this video and no big congloms are thereby getting money out of me by putting it on my blog. If that is untrue and I am naive, please somebody tell me and I will take it off until another day. =) This scene is exactly why I love writers. Brilliant...and OH SO WELL executed by Sandra Oh.

Hang In There Writers!

My life is a strange and mysterious place. heh.

For the past month I have been like a house divided. I am completely split down the middle over remaining in Texas or going home to Washington.
I think I know what my heart wants to do...which is totally different from what my gut is telling me to do, so I have no idea what to do.
Everytime I think I have made a decision, it later gets upheaved!

Last night I had this crazy dream. I can't remember all of it, but the important part was this. I was out in the middle of this big lake. Swimming across I think, when all of sudden the water starting fighting me. Literally. On my left side the water started rising into a big wave as if to overwhelm me, and on the other side it started roiling around out of control. I was very close to drowning...and you won't believe what I did then. It was kind of odd.
I balled my hands into fist and I slapped the left one down onto the surface of the water and screamed "I AM ONE!" then I repeated it on the right side. I kept doing this, shrieking, until the water calmed down and I was slapping a serene surface.
My friends had already run away, thinking me lost.
I went to find them.

The part that strikes me about this dream is it's very real representation of the battle being waged inside of me.
*sigh*

Okay, in totally unrelated news....I am obsessed with the Writer's Strike.
Could any tv junkie not be? Aside from my general fandom though, I feel for these people. The AMPTP wants to hand them a shitty deal and thinks that they will just take it and cower back into their little writing caves.
The sheer audacity of those with money just blows me away.
Are we just supposed to roll over and die so they can make more money off of us?!
Yeah, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO take it personally.

My entire family is middle class America. I totally get how Unions are important in this industry. It is being displayed for me right now. If those were my family members on the picket lines, I would want them to get a fair deal.
What they are asking for is so reasonable!!! It is just freaking nuts that the AMPTP does not come back and negotiate. They haven't even been back to the table in 35 DAYS!!!! I mean, come on people!

Things are heating up right now because Tom Hanks gave a statement to Rueters, saying that the AMPTP should negotiate and get people back to work. He is the first A-lister to speak up and a lot of people are hoping that he is just just the beginning.
Then there is this whole fight over the Late-Night shows...Leno and Kimmel currently being at the top of the nit-pick list.
They are writing their own stuff and they are not supposed to be. The Guild is saying they are going to penalize them...which they should if they would penalize anyone else for the same thing...and many people are afraid that if they do that they might lost a lot of public support. Frankly, I think that in that case, the public should pull its head out of its collective ass, and realize that Jay Leno isn't Rah, and that the guild should not bow down to him. Grr.

Conan, just to give him a smidge of credit, has been improvising his shows, rather than writing a monologue. He is also a member of the guild.
Now, some people say that improvising is the same as writing, but I disagree, and in any case, it shows that he is still TRYING to support his fellow writers, whether he has been forced to go back on the air or not.
People are also saying they are getting tired of Letterman constantly commenting on the strike and the writers getting a fair deal, but I say; GO DAVE!!! Since the AMPTP own major media, who else is going to report on it?!?! You can bet your ass than CBS is piiiiissed at Letterman right now.
In any case, I wish that more fans were aware of what exactly is going on. We are so one way or the other these days.
I mean, either we are FREAKY activist: Don't eat veggies! They're alive!" or we are not activist at all.
There are some battles WORTH fighting!

New Year's Resolution....

I make the same one every year. At least, in recent years.
My NYR is to read more books than Joe does this year. Obviously, as I keep making it, I have yet to ever do it. Not from a lack of being able to read as fast as Joe does, but more along the lines of losing my committment here and there along the way. :p
A couple of years ago I started out brilliantly...I read seven books the first week of 2006. That is a book a day! Wooo! Okay, yes, I had that particular week off (obviously). Of course, after that my reading tapered down until an entire month had gone by without my reading anything.
I love to read but I get distracted by so many other things. It's rather sad really.
Still, this resolution is on the list of things to do before I die, so I will keep making it until one day I have achieved victory...and not because Joe was in a coma or on some strange asian getaway where he had limited access to books.
A normal Joe kind of year. :p

Not a lot else to say.
To be honest, I haven't posted lately because I haven't felt like "talking" to anyone. I have decisions I need to make...things on my mind...I just have no desire to rehash them here right now.
I feel politically disgruntled, and you all know by now how I feel about the writer's strike. Perhaps I will comment on that again soon, but for now...this is all you get.
=)