All Over the Place

First, let me just say that I am feeling the pressure from Jill and Lara, who update much more frequently than I do, to actually blog today. How do you people run across my blog anyway??
In any case....
I am feeling a bit stressed out about the move and everything that goes along with it. I have some great friends here who have been helping me out tremendously, so hopefully when I get back from Charlotte, and start tossing things in boxes, that feeling of support will carry me through the stress.

On...Thursday? Yeah, Thursday. My memory failed me for a minute there. On Thursday I talked to Starbucks HR to find out how to go about working for the company overseas...specifically in the UK. Of course, whoever I talked to couldn't help me, and instead gave me the number for the Resource Manager in my area, who in fact, has not called me back yet. Grrr.
Wouldn't that be a great experience? Working overseas for six months or something? Plus, bonus, much closer to Amsterdam. =)

Work is going...rather well actually. One of my ASM's think I am a rock star, my manager loves me, and all of these make it incredibly easy to serve them in whatever way possible. Although our store has its issues, I love our partners, and I really want to see things flow more smoothly. I am trying to devise ways of making that happen. I don't want to get transferred though, as long as I am in the states, and inevitably, with a promotion, comes a transfer. So, I am crossing my fingers that if things work out for me to go overseas, I can at least stay at my store until that time. After that, well, we shall see. I never thought I wanted to go into management, but I have a lot more confidence in that regard than I used to, and it really does help when you see the areas that you could make positive changes, if only it was up to you. Time will tell, but it is definitely a more distinct possibility than it was before.

I make friends with the most random people. I don't know what attracts me to them. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and because of this, I like to think that I have some sort of a knack for searching out deceny in humanity. haha. When I was 19-ish, I had a couple of bad experiences, which I did not want to repeat, and I think I learned a lot from that, about who to trust, and who to keep on the back burner for awhile...let those friendships simmer....sometimes they thicken into quality. =)
Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have the same luck with men, at least as far as, men to be in relationships with. I have amazing guy friends (you know who you are), and mostly always have, but I end up falling for the wrong ones. Okay, by wrong I don't mean alcoholics, or drug dealers, or baddy bay boys, just guys that are wrong for me, and are bound to break my heart. *sigh* I can't decide if I just have bad luck, or if subconciously I am picking the wrong guys over and over so that I don't have to committ.
I have a really hard time believing that is the case, since I really want to get married and all that, but so many years of bad choices has put a tiny little question in my mind.

I won't go into my latest crush, although if I did I am sure a couple of people might be somewhat scandalized. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me either, and I wonder if it is just evidence of my being desperate (God I hope not!), even though I don't necessarily feel like I am. *shrug* At least I like nice guys. They might be wrong for me, but at least they aren't the malicious type to use and abuse me. They never break my heart on purpose. It's just a byproduct of not being loved the way I want. Blah blah blah.
What causes us to be attracted to certain people anyway?? Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.
Anyway, I have a treasure trove of friends that make life wonderful, and so incredibly worth living. =)

Speaking of, I am leaving early Weds. morning to fly to North Carolina. I'll be there with my friends for six days, and we'll be visiting another friend in Asheville. I think that is close to Jill?? *waves to Jill* So, everyone, I do not know if I will be updating again in the next week. Two days after I get home, I am moving into a new apartment. I am not entirely sure what is going to happen with my internet as of yet. I desperately need to buy a new laptop, but just cannot do that at the moment. So, I am letting you know that my posts might be fewer and further between. I hope that this is not the case, but it might have to be. So, if I am in and out a little bit less, don't forget about me!!! I'm still out here!!!! =)


Currently Reading: A Long Way Gone/Ishmael Beah

Grrrr at Valentine's Day!

Okay, Okay, I don't like it. I confess.
First of all, I really don't enjoy pink all that much. Pale pink is nice on little girls, and flowers, and that is about all the good things I can say about pink.

Normally, I don't consider myself a bitter single person, and I tell myself that it's more about the things that usually go *wrong* on Valentine's Day, and less about the fact that I am a big outsider in all the gushy love stuff.
Okay, YES, if you must know, things that have gone wrong on past Valentines have had to do with relationships, or crush's or whatever, but that was a long time ago! Other obnoxious things have also happened on this day to aggrevate me.
I know that today is the 15th, and not the 14th, but I blame yesterday for starting the downward spiral. I was sooo frustrated, because I had these books shipped to my friend, from Amazon.com, and realised that I had forgotten to include the Apt. #. Duh. So, I tried changing it, but it was too late, and since then I have also talked to UPS, who told me to call back tomorrow. Grr. Thus began my frustration.
Today I went to check the balance on my cell phone. Some time ago I asked my sister if she wouldn't please help me out with the phone bill for the next couple of months, as I am moving on the 28th, and can't really afford to pay it at the moment. Not only has she not paid anything yet, but I also got the next one, showing me that I had totally gone over on my minutes, thereby making my next bill over 300$. Normally, I would be frustrated but I would just pay it. Right now, I am more than frustrated, as I cannot possibly pay for it at the moment, and can only hope to get it all paid by the skin of my teeth before the end of March.
*sigh*
This is along with buying groceries, to stock an empty kitchen, and all the things that go with moving into a new apartment. I am no longer excited about it.

So back to Valentine's Day... This friend of mine at work got a dozen, lovely, pale pink roses from her boyfriend. I have to admit, that when they got there, all I could think was..."Ugh," as I felt this sinking feeling in my stomache.
Our ASM started to make obnoxious comments about V-Day, at which time I informed her that; "As the token single person here today, I reserve the right to make the bitter Valentines comments, alright?"

Today, I am just glad that it's over. No more pink spilling over everything, no more tiny candy hearts, no more gushy love stuff peeking out at me from every corner. No more reminders that in 30 years, despite my charm (:p), noone has liked me enough to take me out on Valentine's Day. (Not that I would go, since I am now against the day on principle. lol!)

Welcome to my life. =)

I console myself with the fact that despite being completely broke, having no idea how I will get my things over here from Spokane, and knowing that things are going to be incredibly tight for the next six months, probably not allowing me to save for the trip overseas that I desperately want to take, I am going to Charlotte next week to see my beloved Shawn, and certainly that ought to make up for some dissapointment. =)

So there you have it, my bitchy post for this post-Valentine's Day.


Currently Reading: Throne of Jade/Naomi Novik

~Amsterdam~

It's less like a place to me, and more like a person who has my heart. It keeps pulling on it saying; Come back to me!

It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.

Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.

Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.

The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.

My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.

Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.


Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan

Friends! People! I Like Ya!

Okay, most of the time. haha!

Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!

So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)

Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!

My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?

I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)

Survey Says...

Jill, who's blog I read off and on, posted this, and I decided that I would repost it here. Fair is fair, after all. I have only done this once here on my blog I think, back when I first started it, although I am addicted to these stupid things on myspace. Ugh.
So here you go....

Getting to Know Me:

1.)What color are your kitchen plates?
Black. Just plain old black. Although, I am about to buy some crazy, festive, yellow dishes...to spice things up a bit.

2.) What book are you reading now?
I am still reading 'His Majesty's Dragon' by Naomi Novik. To be honest, I have been busy and distracted, and it's just been one of those weeks where I don't feel like reading that much.

3.)What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have one

4.)Favorite board game?
I don't know if it is "technically" a board game, but along the same vein....Apples to Apples (currently anyway).

5.)Least favorite smells?
Some flowery perfumes really make me nauseous. Otherwise, Jill mentioned vomit, and I don't think much can beat that....although there were some very odd smells in India at times...

6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning?
Oh Holy Lord!! I am so freaking tired right now...I can't do it...I can't do it!

7.)Favorite Color?
Crimson...the color of dark Poinsettia leaves at Christmastime. Blood red.

8.)Least favorite color?
Pink. pleh!

9.)How many rings until you answer the phone?
It depends on who it says is calling, and whether or not I am debating even answering. Usually about two though, unless I am trying to find my phone.

10.)Future child's name?
I don't know if I can really answer that, since obviously I will have a husband who probably also has an opinion, but for a boy, James is at the top of my list, and for a girl, Ruth Louise...my favorite Aunt's name is Ruth, and it is also the middle name of a dear friend and someone I look up to tremendously. Louise I just have always loved, and I love the nickname Lou.

11.)Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate

12.)Do you like to drive fast?
Yes, unless it's like...dark and rainy.

13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope

14.)Do you like thunderstorms?
Very much...unless they knock the power out for four days when it is 30 degrees, and lower outside!

15.)What color are your eyes?
Hazel...in fact, two of my siblings are hazel eyed too, but one's are more brown, where mine are more green.

16.)Sign?
Gemini

17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Why is this question on every survey? It is lame..hehe. Usually, I eat the stems of broccoli, yes.

18.)If you could have any job, what would it be?
To be honest, I am not sure. As long as it allowed me to write and travel though, it would be good. Writing for tv would be fun...I don't know if I have the talent though...but then, this is a hypothetical question right? Assuming I was good enough to do whatever I wanted as well? Then heck, I would be Pink...or Amy Lee. haha

19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
Mine is fine actually, maybe a little more red. I am starting to grey though. My hair is so thick that it is not super noticeable at the moment, but there is A LOT of grey in there already, it's just spread throughout really well. In the next five years, it will be a lot more obviously salt and peppery. My mom is 50 and has been grey for a long time. I might have ten years left, so I am trying to enjoy the hair color God gave me while I can. haha. Besides, I earned these grey hairs damnit!!!

20.)Is the glass half full or half empty?
It totally depends on my mood that day, or whether I am trying to reassure myself...or someone else. lol. More faith for other people!

21.)What is your favorite movie?
This week? I hate this question. There are way too many, and I can never even remember the best ones when I am asked. I love dramas, and particularly movies that make you think. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' is a fave. I have a lot. I love movies.

22.)Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Mostly, yes.

23.)What's under your bed?
Currently, only shoes and slippers

24.)What is your favorite number?
Don't have one.

25.)Favorite sports to watch?
There is a sport besides football???!

26.)Your single biggest intense pain?
When my sister died...and I don't mean just emotionally. Her accident was on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday. It was three days of this up and down, not eating, not sleeping, hoping and then despairing, having your heart ripped out and bleeding all over the place. I felt it in every bone of my body.

27.)Person most likely to respond?
If I sent this, maybe Nicki. She's a good sport. =)

28.)Person least likely " "?
Not sure....Joe!

29.)Ketchup or Mustard?
Mustard...dijon perferrably.

30.)Hamburgers or hotdog?
Depends. If I am camping...hotdogs. I make then nice and black. If I am in California...burgers from In and Out Burger, and in Texas, Whataburger. Both fabulous.

31.)What is your favorite season?
Football. hehe. (Fall)

32.)The best place you have ever been?
Amsterdam...something about that place just seeped inside of me...and no, I don't mean the marijuana smoke, lol! In fact, I was just reading a travel article about it, and my heart physically ached to return. Hopefully someday soon.

33.)Favorite fast food?
Aside from the aforementioned burger joints, located only hundreds of miles away from me? Probably...Taco Bell.

34.)What kind of car do you drive?
A Plymouth Neon...but I really really want a red Jeep Wrangler. hehe.

35.)Married or Single?
So very single.

So there you have it. Another silly survey. Feel free to post your own if you feel so inclined. =)

Searching for Meaning...

So yesterday I had an apartment to move into. We were going to sign a year lease. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about signing a year lease, though I can't tell you why. In any case, today I do not have that apartment to move into. I won't go into the details, but I am back to square one. I do have another potential roommate, but I can't move in until April 1st, and ideally, I should be moving the 1st of March. My housemates are awesome, but would really like their house back to themselves, and who can blame them?
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.

Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.

Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.

What to Say

I'm feeling a bit...disappointed.
Things have actually been going pretty well lately, and certain concerns I have had about living situations and whatnot are getting taken care of. So, ya know, I should be feeling pretty good. On the contrary, I've been feeling a little anxious, and I have had a hard time sleeping this last week. The past couple of days I have just kept myself so busy, so that I didn't have enough time to stop and think about things that I didn't need to think about. If that seems vague, it's intentional.
So on to the disappointment...
I have been pretty lucky in my life as far as friendships are concerned. I know so many amazing people. I have done a decent amount of traveling, always meeting new faces, always forming new connections. Moving here was the same. New friends, new things.
People slip in and out of your life, and this is the way of things. You are happy that you have the chance to know them when you do. Friendships enrich the soul. Long term ones and short term ones. Let's face it, we are all different; We have different hopes and dreams, and pursue different ends. We have to enjoy the times we have, and let each other move on.
Sometimes I just don't want to let people go though.
Some people I just want to hang onto. I guess that's normal.
In this case, it isn't only my wanting to hold onto someone, but also just feeling like...I haven't gotten to know them as well as I would have liked, and now that might not happen. Which, of course, is something that I need to accept and I have known that all long.
*sigh*
I also have my own ends to pursue. I didn't move here to work at Starbucks forever. Yeah, I like my job. I actually do. Even so, eventually I need to take some writing classes and look into some other things...not because I know what I want to do with my life, but because there are a lot of things I *could* do. Something creative would be nice. There are just a lot of options and I am certainly not ready to be matronly; Just get comfy and settle in and never go anywhere again or whatever.
So...we come, we go. We make friends and we lose touch with friends. Life evolves. It's supposed to. Change is good.

So why does my heart feel like this?



**Currently reading: His Majesty's Dragon/Naomi Novik

Babies

First of all, for anyone reading this that does not know. I am an Aunt this week. Okay, yes, its' true that I have been an Aunt before...I have a nephew who is six. Even so, this is my first niece, and every baby is a blessing.
I can't say that there are not circumstances surrounding the baby and it's caretaking that I am not worried and upset about, but right now let's just look at the miracle that she is, and be glad at least, for that. Her name is Hailey Anne and she was born on Friday. 5lbs, 10 ounces. Very adorable.

I also found out today that one of my dearest most wonderfulest (yes, I know that's not a word) friends, is having TWINS!! It is soooo exciting!!!! They just had the ultra sound this morning.
Many people close to me have twins. It's like....I spread it around or something. haha. My cousin Sarah has twins. My very close friends James and Lisa have twins. My good friend Angela has twins, and now Karla is having twins. It's a bit uncanny to be honest...it really really is.

I am 30 and single, so there is no fear of me having my own twins any time soon!! haha. Plus, after everyone else has all the twins, I will most likely not. :p
I have been so excited after talking to Karla today, and seeing the ultrasound pictures...I was calling and emailing everyone who might not have gotten her initial email.
Now I am feeling kind of tired, and other things are creeping into my mind.

For example, how I am worried about my little sister, and nobody seems to care what's going on with her, since it is overshadowed by babies, and the trouble my brother gets into. I am far away, and I don't know what to do, or what I can do.
It's been a great last couple of days, and now these things are creeping up on me, and I just feel like weeping.
*sigh*
I think I need to go have a nap now. Sometimes that helps me be calm when I start getting overwhelmed.

I am going to start doing this when I post;
*currently reading: A Knight of the Word/Terry Brooks

New Friends and Stuff

I seem to have a couple of new commenters of late. Hello new commenters! (Is that even a word?) Anyway, interesting to me that someone besides those who liked me already would want to read all of my passionate tossings of words. hehe.
This isn't just about the appearance of new people at my blog though.
I have new friends in *real life* too. :p
Actually, I have started to hang out more with a couple of coworkers...it's not that I usually am at a loss for making friends...but, ya know, I am not as in a hurry as I used to be. I want to genuinely be able to communicate with the people I hang around with. :p

It's been fairly interesting lately.

You know, there is this one person I am friends with...and I am almost loathe to say this, because who really knows who is reading my blog, and I wouldn't want anyone to take it the wrong way...even so, I want to vent.

The other day I was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep, and thinking about a conversation I was having with a friend, and at the same time, kind of arguing with God, when I realized with shocking clarity: "Criminy! You are using me in this persons life, aren't You?!?! Despite how much I suck or whatever is going on with me, through no choice of my own, You are still doing it aren't You?!?! You are ALWAYS doing it!!!!" RAWR!
Okay, not like I can actually, legitimately be mad about something like that. In fact, at another time, perhaps I would be glad to know that He uses us despite ourselves, but I confess, that I was really thinking of what I was getting out of the friendship. Not that I didn't care about the other person. Of course I do! A lot! It's just that...I guess I was feeling....drat. I don't know how to explain.
There was sort of this level playing field. This person and I became friends, and certainly christianity affected it, but didn't dictate it. I wasn't their intercessor, they weren't the person that gave me sage wisdom, we were just friends. Then, all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, I realized that God was speaking to them, through me. You know, which does not neccesarily mean that its not still a level playing field..but once that inner me realizes that there is something lacking there for them, that unconcious intercessor starts stretching her legs.
Of course I pray for my friends....or at least....in theory...I mean, I always have, just not quite as much at the moment.
And, you know, my friends pray for me as well, just the same. That's level. But it's just....different. Of course, this person may be way more mature than I know yet, and maybe secretly they are saying a prayer for me. I hope so. I don't want to be the big sister right now. That is not what I was hoping for in this situation. *sigh*
Call me selfish. Maybe I am.
I just wanted to meet this someone eye to eye. If its not doable, it just isn't, and I will deal with that when I know it for sure. I am still holding out for hope though.

There is this point I hit before...in the midst of a lot of things...where I really resented the whole "straight and narrow." I don't mean, living a good and prudent life either, because I have always mostly done that, before I ever got involved in church or leadership. What I mean is, this whole higher expectation.
I think I wanted to know what it was like to sink back to a normal level of personhood, where I could be friends with whoever I wanted, and hang out with them wherever I wanted. You know, while we were having drinks, while they were smoking pot...whatever my conscience dictated was alright for that person at that time. No restraints placed on me by my tightrope of leadership.
I don't want that kind of attention anymore. I just want to be another one of the huddled masses. Making a difference in some way...sure, but I don't care if hardly anyone sees that. It's just the individuals that matter to me now. I don't want to be any big thing. I don't need any pedestals to fall off of. I want to have friends to walk with, who also struggle, and we struggle through it together, but we are all the same, and none are better than the others. We are all playing in the mud.
So I guess...I just wanted to peek out from the mud, and see this other person muddy next to me, rather than finding myself clean, sitting on the side of the playpen, looking in at them and seeing their filth, and finding that feeling in myself slowly grow, that I am somehow different than they are, and maybe somehow better.

That's all for now.

Nighttime and Words

This is how I know that I am a night person...Nighttime is when I do most of my writing. Nighttime is when my brain kicks into overdrive, and random thoughts start spewing out all over the place.
Of course, I can write in the daytime too, and I used to go every morning to get coffee and sit and write awhile. I like to do that too....but there is something that happens at night that I cannot explain. With that said, here I am again.

A very long time again, when I was in 10th? maybe 11th grade, I remember being very upset over something, I can't now remember what. In any case, I was in my room, and I was crying, and that's what I remember. I also remember that I chose that moment to say something, which was maybe partially a request as well, to God. I wasn't much of a praying person back then. I was kind of coming into the whole thing on my own though. Just starting to get there. So as I was crying, my sentiment was something like this; Whatever it's like in the future, however much it hurts or whatnot, I always want to be able to feel it....because I would rather have it hurt....I would rather weep like this, than feel nothing. After awhile of feeling nothing, I think you grow even more numb, and I never want to be numb.
Naive huh?
Sometimes now, I am numb, and I do want to be. Mostly because, being a person who feels a lot of raw emotion takes its toll over time.
I havn't been to church in awhile, and the last church I went to was Mars Hill. Now, Mars Hill is a fantastic church, but they don't have a traditional worship service.
One thing I really love about a more traditional worship service is that you might get a lot of repetetive, but you don't have to learn new words every week, and the music is usually fairly easy to follow. This is nice if you want to just be able to sing, and worship, and not worry about the details.
So anyway, I have been meaning to visit this church in town, and I just asked my friend if she would go with me. We're going to go this weekend I think.
Saturday of course, no, I am not missing the playoff game. (haha)

Last week, before I asked my friend, I was just imagining that this was going to end up being one of those worship services where, for whatever reason, I felt particularly touched, and spent the ENTIRE time sobbing my eyeballs out. I am RIPE for this sort of occurance, and it is one that I do not want to have my first night in a new church. Call me crazy, but I don't want to field those sorts of questions, and it might sound crazy, but that sort of encouragement.
Frankly, it is just sometimes annoying when people you have never met before want to give you comfort, as if they have any idea what's going on with you. I just need a good release, okay pal?!?!?!

I know I've mentioned in the past that I am looking for some kind of consistency in my life, as far as, the kind of person I am in public, in private, wherever. Integrating everything that I believe in into one me. Rather than having church Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and Starbucks Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and so on and so forth. Somebody who speaks a language that is relevent all the time, not just in the bubble that church can be. I am done being that person. I don't understand Christianity to be that way. It's not supposed to be!
I cannot reconcile myself to that anymore.

So right now I am dealing with things on my own...I've been afraid to go back to a church, fearing that I will be sucked back into that culture. Maybe I will just go here and there, I don't know. The thing is, God really can move in churches in crazy ways, and having the encouragement of worshipping with all those other believers can be amazing. Church isn't all bad, it's just that there must be more balance.
So...yeah.
I feel somewhat torn. I know in some ways I could use it, and in others....yeah.

I find myself in this place with God where...we really aren't communicating so much. Well, I am sure that He is communicating all the time!! haha! It's ME that has the problem!!! :p
There are these things in the back of my head, and things that I am struggling with sorting out, and I know that I really can't do it on my own, but I sort of hope He will just miraculously intervene without my having to ask, or rather, that at least He just will keep my together so that I don't have an emotional breakdown! :p
The thing is, if I ask Him, and He does nothing (or I percieve He does nothing), then I get letdown. I can deal with the situation, better than I can deal with the dissapointment, so I don't ask.
I don't pray about relationships, a spouse, or any of that mumbo jumbo, because of essentially the same thing. I can deal with being single and not having too many friends where I am, that is usually totally fine, only sometimes hard. Admitting that I want it though, and talking about it to Him, and being completely open about what's deep down inside, brings all of that to the top, for my occassionally shaky emotions to deal with. Then I just feel raw for awhile. I get over it, I mean, until the next time I have to deal with it, but it's still horrible.
I feel like I am just walking around with this gaping wound in my heart. This is my life. I get somebody that I think I need to pray for...and they start doing all this lame ass crap, and the more I pray for them, the more of a heart I have for them, until I have heartache over every stupid ass thing they do!! Is this fair?!?!?! In order to pray so honestly, does it require a constant broken heart on my end?!?! This is how I have begun to feel over time. This is why I have sort of taken a break from praying for people....as horrible as that may sound.

I used to deal with it a lot better. I mean, I understood that place so well, and the ups made it all worth it. Over time and dissapointment though, I have started to feel very selfish, and very tired. Perhaps I will snap out of it. Who knows. I would like to say that I can be an intercessor, regardless of what it costs me, but in order for that to happen, I am going to have to come back to a place of seeing the greater good. Essentially, of having what we like to call in the church, an"eternal perspective." Knowing that you are storing your treasure in heaven, or whatnot, and that its really not about here at all. Knowing that there is some reward for your efforts. I don't mean, reward as in; My mansion is bigger in shinier than yours!! That is a bunch of B.S.! Like we earn it or something...we don't. I mean, more like an eternal reward in people, and in being with all of them in a better place.
Maybe it sounds lame to some people.
Anyway, I used to have that perspective, and I have lost it. It rolled away under the bed or something I guess. :p
Once in awhile I think...Okay Lord! We are going to have it out tonight...but to me that means that I am going to cry, and talk to Him about all of this stuff that he already knows I am feeling, and nothing is going to change, except for tomorrow I am going to feel better for awhile. So, a week or so from now, I am going to be dissapointed again, because I need real answers to some of my questions, like, last week.
And why go through that? Why not just leave everything in the background, and focus on the important things like...Oh, finding a place to live, that is incredibly cheap!
*sigh*
Oh to be 22 again. When I believed and that was alll I needed. I miss that place.

LOL!
I talked to an old friend the other day, and he asked me; Hey!? Done any more of your crazy 40 day fasts lately?! And I was like..Umm...no. And he said; I tell everyone about that! My crazy friend who fasted for 40 days!
And I can't even believe that that girl and I are the same. If I could meet her face to face, I wouldn't know what to say.
That was ten years ago right now. Ten years ago right now, I hadn't eaten anything in nine days. Isn't life weird? The way it twists and turns?

But hey, after all, this is me being real. So at least there is that.

All That Grown Up Stuff

I confess that I sometimes have my doubts about my competence as an adult.
What people do these days, all you have to do, is everything on your own. All you have to do is be, and have a decent job that pays all the bills, and squeak by somehow. Lord, how do single parents do it? I can barely take care of myself, let alone having the responsibility of caring for a child.
Ack!
Once in awhile, I get emotionally overwhelmed. I mean, I deal with it. I can deal. I know what I need to do when that happens, and I get by...but so far I've had roomates, and other people helping me out. So when I got emotionally overwhelmed, I felf like I could take a day off....even though I usually never do. Now, its like...not even an option, and knowing that kind of stresses me out.
Knowing that its all on me....and with my track record....a little scary. Of course, I think it is also good for me, but in the back of my mind I have this fear that I will just get so overwhelmed one day that I will break down completely.
Grrrr! I am so not the girl I always thought I was!!!!!!
I hate that!!! :p

Anyway...that's all I have to share today.

I Am SOUP!

Okay, if Ryan can do this so can I.....Talk about old loves that is.

What a freaking weird year. I seem to be tracking down a very random variety of people, but I can't help myself! It's like I am soup, and God is stirring the pot that is me, and all of the stuff that was on the bottom is now on the top...or something like that. So, all these old things that I haven't thought about in awhile, that were part of an old life I had, all of these things are starting to resurface, and I am faced with the fact that there are things in there I have never truly let go of.
At least, from the present state of my heart that must be the case.

I am somewhat afraid to post this, but such is life. I am going to do it anyway.
Once there was a guy named Jason, and he was my friend. This was a very long time ago. Jason was the last boy I kissed...a million years ago. I just don't go around kissing people you know, and I really haven't had a "boyfriend" since Jason. Although, technically, Jason was not my boyfriend either, but....let's just call it close enough.
We were really good friends, and I loved him. As much, or maybe more, than I have ever loved anyone. Because, well, I was comfortable with him...completely, and I felt safe with him, and he looked out for me, and because more than anything, we were fun together. There was a lof of joking, and laughing, and joy. Of course, regardless of those things, sometimes you just love somebody and there is no ryhme or reason at all.
Jason had his issues. He did things I did not approve of, and some of those things put his life in danger. I cried a lot of tears over Jason. At this time in my life I was really starting to have a deep relationship with God, and we had more than a few conversations about my friend.

There used to be four of us, that did everything together. We worked together, we went to concerts together, we drove around all night together, just because that is what we did. We went to Daniels and played Mortal Kombat at 4 in the morning...which, let me tell you, is the *only* video game in the world I have ever kicked a guy's ass at. I was always that girl who could grab you with her hair and slam you down on the floor!!! Remember that?? Totally old school! Jason and Daniel could never get out of it. I would just keep slamming their guy down on the ground over and over!!!! lol!!! I could never win as anyone else though, only her. I am not so good with the vids usually.
One time Daniel said that Jason and I were soul mates, and that whatever happened, in the end, we would find each other wherever we were. Obviously that isn't true, but it sounded nice at the time.
I would have married Jason. Truly. If he would have said the word. I would have done a lot of things that he actually kept me from doing. Whatever he was with anyone else, he always had integrity with me.

Sooo...yeah. I think about him off and on, but not with any great regret or anything. That all happened a long time ago.
They all moved to Texas and I stayed behind. I was getting really involved with the church at the time and I felt like God said.."No, I have something better for you."
So right before Christmas I had a dream about Jason and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. I think this is just one of those things that was buried in the closet of my heart.
I never really greived the loss of my friends. I was too busy. There was too much going on, for too long. One day I just realized that time had marched on without them, and that was ok.
Apparently my heart feels differently.
I think Jason is married and lives in Florida. When I heard he was engaged I wanted very badly to send them a gift, but had no contact information. So I called his dad a few days ago. Hopefully I can still send them a little something. We were friends, after all, more than anything, and it just seems like the thing to do. I am glad if he is well.

It's just taking me some time to sort through the heart wrenching memories. I have grown a little tired of heart wrenching, but what can you do? So I am trying to go with this house cleaning thing, or whatever God is doing, and look my past square in the face so that I can move on from it.

And there you have it. Why I am soup. =)

One For the Road

It seems like a zillion years since I updated, even though in truth it has probably only been a week and a half.
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.

Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!

I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!

Christmas, and its varying emotions

At work we have the Charlie Brown Christmas album, and every time I see it, one of those songs gets stuck in my head. I always remember that my pastor from back home loves that show, and I keep meaning to pick it up.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.

I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.

Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.

I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.

So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.

So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.

The Connector, that is me.

Apparently I do have a mission in this life. Apparently my gift, forever, will be to connect other people. For my old school college age friends, I am the go to person if you are in need of a phone number.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?

I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.

Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.

Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.

Not such good days

This is definitely one of those days that I should not be allowed near the blogger dashboard. It's been a long week, and I am feeling fairly discouraged, and I wish it were Christmas and I was at home with Becky and Rosie drinking a nice hot cocoa. =)

As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!

Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.

I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.

Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!

Stir Crazy

I do love the snow, and I am glad that I get to go into work an hour late tomorrow...yay! However, I am a little bored. I am all motivated for job hunting and whatnot, but everyone has closed up shop. I need to find something active to do in the meantime, while it is still snowy and icy and yicky outside. *sigh* *twiddle*

I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!

Oh! The Weather Outside is Frightful!!!!

SNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.

Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)

So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.

I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!

I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)

Viewing 6,087

I'm watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). I'm not actually sure how many times I have seen it to be honest, I just know that it's a lot.
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)

I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)

Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)

Just One of Those Days

As usual I got up at the bright and early crack of dawn. Actually, I confess, I usually use the terminology "butt crack" of dawn, because 3:30 in the morning not even the morning people have gotten up yet!!!
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.

Writer's Assistant

I know that this is the third entry I have posted.....wait. I was going to say "today" but since it's 1a.m. it is technically "tomorrow", or Thursday at any rate. =)
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.

So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...

Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.

Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)

So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.

There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!

The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.

Bones

I LOVE this show!!!!
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!

This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)

It's just a bunch of Huey! (As Jimmy Stewart would say)

Yes, I do love me some Jimmy Stewart. =)

So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.

-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.

-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.

I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.

I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.

My failed optimism

There's a lot of things I would like to leave out of this blog entry...
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.

I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.

You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.

I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.

God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.

Trying to keep up...

I seem to go through these phases where I cannot seem to control myself with the blogging. I just need to blog constantly. Then, there are other times, like now, where I just don't feel like I have that much to say, and I am really just forcing myself to make the effort. There is something therapuetic in writing, whether I have anything to say or not like,
It was weird coming home to Federal Way from Spokane last week and saying to myself; "I live here." coming back seemed to solidify that somehow.
It's good.
I do live here. There is no desire in me to ever live in Spokane again.

So I have about finished a serious Battlestar Galactica marathon. I've been taking a bit of a break the past couple of days because I was beginning to meet people like Lee Adama, and Starbuck in my dreams at night. Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. I had the most HORRIFYING dream the other night. Saturday I think. I went to bed early, at like 8pm. I had to work at 7 in the morning and I have just been so tired this past weekend. I don't know if it was the Thai food I ate before bed or what. =P In my dream, I was sitting around this table with some people from work. Essentially, I think they were all managers of some kind. We were at this house that overlooked a beach. There was a huge deck outside, and we were sitting on this table out there, having an indepth discussion (not neccessarily having anything to do with work) At some point, something weird was going on down on the beach, and we noticed that there were a couple of people running around down there. It was no big deal though, so we went back to our conversation. Whatever we were talking about, I was agreeing with this guy Jeff, who didn't seem to be getting his point across, and I was trying to explain in a different way, when this guy Gregory jumped in and all of a sudden started saying something random about how you don't know what kinds of battles are raging behind closed doors. It felt like some kind of a spiritual comment. I mean, like you look at a couple, and they seem happy, but behind the scenes, in their home, it is a battlefield. And then Gregory said "Wars are being fought for people's very lives."
Right at that moment, we heard a sound in the sky and we all looked up. It was like something had just come through the atmosphere, you know how some of it gets burned? It was like this really loud sizzle kind of sound, like something was singhed around the edges. It looked like a meteorite way up there, all red and glowing around the edges, and then at last, it got close enough to see and it was a person. I felt this jolt go through my body and I gasped and woke up straight away. I can't even tell you the shock and trauma I felt looking up and seeing that woman falling out of the sky. In fact, it was like 10:30 at night by this point, and I got up and went downstairs and watched part of a movie with Lance and Jeni just so I could turn the image off. *shiver*
I have no idea what on earth made me have that dream, but I haven't had a dream that freaked me out that much in....I can't even tell you how long. Weird huh?
I confess, I did go see Flags of Our Fathers that day, but so?? Movies rarely cause me to have traumatizing dreams, and it felt spiritual. Bleh.
Shake it off, shake it off!
Just thought I would randomly share that.

I had a rough couple of days at work this last week. In fact, this past couple weeks have been my most difficult to date. Still, even when it's tough there is always a nice day thrown in the middle. Some people make work more enjoyable that others.
It also really amuses me that everyone at Starbucks is on Myspace. I swear. There should be a Starbucks group for crying out loud.

Okay, I have now written a sufficiently long entry, despite starting out with nothing to say. See how that works? Very nice.
That's it for now though.

The old old days

So today was one of those mornings where I had to get up way..way too early. I worked on some projects when I got home, but eventually succombed to the temptation of the nap. During said nap I had the most odd dream. Okay, well, I guess its not that odd in the great scheme of Amanda's brain, but it was somewhat odd. I dreamed about this guy named Kris from high school who I am pretty sure I haven't talked to since graduation...Okay, it's possible I talked to him after that, but if so, I forget.
These days, its not all that weird to randomly run into somebody from high school (Hi Ryan! Oh, and hi Nickie!) but the dream just seemed very out of the blue. I just dreamed that he came to see me at Starbucks (although I think I was in Spokane at the time), and we had a nice conversation, and he told me that he lived in Renton, and something about commuting, and I told him I lived in Federal Way, and then I had to walk to another building, where we promptly ran into my grandparents. haha. Anyway. That's all the weirdness I have to report.
I know Kris does live on this side of the mountains, but that's about all I know. Not sure what dropped his face into my psychae. *shrug*
I was talking to someone today about Battlestar Galactica, since I have it on the brain. It's kind of hard not to with how many episodes I have watched in the last few days. Plus, I enjoy any geeky connection with people. haha!! It doesn't take much these days to get a sticker on my happy page.

Spokane was good, but I was glad that I got to leave again. I am going to restart the job hunt, which hasn't really been going at all lately. I mostly like my job, but there are a couple of people who seem sent to remind me that I am not a Starbucks lifer.

I know I haven't updated the ole blog here lately. There just hasn't felt like anything to say. Spent a couple of days in Spokane like I mentioned above, and now I am doing a lot of opening shifts. I definitely like opening with some people more than others. It's not like I really genuinely dislike anyone that I work with, but I for sure secretly have my favorites...because they make work workable. =P

Anyway. That's pretty much all I have to say. Maybe the title of this blog should be "Ode to Kris Kanzler" hehe.
Blessings to all.
=)

Italy

I hate shows where they blow up Rome.
Especially since I haven't been there yet and it fills me with dread that somehow I'll never get to see all those ancient treasures. =)
I love old things, what can I say?
I always did have a fascination with archaeology. =P When I was in Europe I thought briefly about going to Pompeii, but didn't do it. Someday, I hope.

I also really want to go to the Louvre. I know there are a lot of other fantastic places to go in France, but how can you not want to see all of that art?!?! I can't imagine. I love the details. =)

If little sister becomes a high school counselor, then we'll have to take a summer and go walk about. Since, obviously, she won't have to work.
It's just always putting things off into the future that bothers me...because you just never know what's going to happen, and you need to do things while you can.

Yay for reality

I'm having one of those moments, where reality just sinks in. I'm not sure how to explain exactly. Nothing major has happened to cause this, I just feel firmly planted at the moment. It's kind of good actually. Sometimes I live far out in space. =P It's this problem I have. ha!!
That is my random information for today. My back has been feeling so much better, but right now it hurts and I probably should go to bed and get some rest. I still have a long weekend of work ahead of me. *sigh* It would be nice to have a day off where I am not just laying in bed in pain. I'm a little worn out from it to be honest.
Okay, short entry tonight, but it's all I've got.

Ouchie. Ouchie. Ouchie.

Phooey on Monday mornings. Good thing there is football on tonight or this day would be completely irredeemable! haha.
At roughy 6:15 this morning, standing in the drive-thru window at Starbucks, my back abruptly gave out. At least, I guess that's what it did. It hurts....a lot. When I am just taking a small step I sometimes feel like I am about to hit the floor, and also, I can't even lift a gallon of milk. It's not pretty. Lifting a gallon of milk is pretty important when you work at Starbucks. hehe.
Needless to say, I am now at home. It's hard to work when it causes you pain just to hand someone their change out the window.
Rawr.
I would kill for a fabulous muscle relaxer right now.
I must face the inevitable visit to the chiropractor. Maybe I can also go to the massage therapist. That's something I can get into. My old chiropractor in Spokane had a massage therapy place right in their office!!! Is that normal? It's fabulous anyway. I'm probably going to have to get a new x-ray of my spine. Joy.

Actually, I have no medical coverage to go to the chiropractor. My benefits are great actually, its just that I never go to the doctor, so I chose the cheapest possible plan. I mean, if I got strep throat it would be no problem. Of course, I can change my plan, but in the meantime...Grr. I *do* have coverage for physical therapy, so I am going to have to see a doctor and go from there. Bleh.
In leiu of muscle relaxers I have opted for ibuprofen and Kahlua. hehe One does what one can. :p
I am sitting at the computer because I don't want to lay in bed all day long. It just doesn't sound very appealing. My treatment method hasn't kicked in yet though, and boy am I hurting!! So, I could be in bed with a stack of dvd's anytime now. :p
Thank God for a good attitude.
If I were crabby pants this could be so much worse. =)

It's raining, it's pouring...

Okay, well, technically not pouring. =P In fact, I think I see some sunshine out the window! Still, it was pretty soggy this morning and I LIKED it! Might as well document this here, so that in six months when I am like....WOULD IT PLEASE STOP RAINING?!?! You can all snicker. haha

I. love. Seattle. I really do. More than I thought I did.
Yesterday, once again, I drove downtown and met Ryan and we went to Mars Hill. Of course, yesterday a Seahawks game had just gotten over, and there were like a kazillion jerseyed football fans everywhere. Unlike myself, this did not even stress me out. I was feeling very happy driving into Seattle. It's this weird thing that happens to me. I just like going there. And, ya know, I have always liked Seattle, but it's different now.
I almost didn't go to church yesterday. I worked until 1, and then I came home and Lance and Jeni were sorthing all of the left over boxes and things in the garage, trying to get the last bits of their house in order. So I contributed by sweeping, and mopping, and doing dishes and whatnot. My back hurt and I was a little tired, and I knew I had a long week ahead of me, but I also knew that Seattle makes me happy. hehe.
Besides, I felt like I should go. Know what I mean? So I went, and I was so glad. The sermon was good, as I think they usually are, but there must also just be something in the atmosphere there that seeps into me, because when I leave I always feel like a tiny bit of life has settled in my bones, and I always feel great when I am driving home again.
Okay, maybe it's not fair to say "always" since I have only done it a couple of times so far...Maybe so far so great would be better. =)

So today I was driving home from work, and it was rainy and dreary and everything looked very green. I just felt this well of emotions rise up in me, that I don't really know how to explain. I wish I did have the words, because then later I could look back and go "Oh yeah!! That is exactly how I felt!"
I did think about Amsterdam...I have this pair of black shoes that I bought in Amsterdam. They are just kind of sleek and fashionably functional. They are perfect for walking in the rain. They don't slip on anything wet. Amsterdam is one of those trend setting fashion cities, and there are always crazy things on the street. People go by in crazy outfits with huge, glittery hot-pink mohawks and stuff like that. Then there are a bunch of people that just look like super-models. The thing I remember the most however is just....well, again, the word sleek comes to mind.
Of course, as far as fitness there is that European practice of walking everywhere, and riding your bike. (Plus they have to climb up and down all those obscenely long spiral staircases!) It's not like everyone is super thin either, they just look good. Lots of well dressed, sleek looking people, moving with purpose, side by side with the crazy fasion statement crowd.
At least, that's what is in my memory. I could have made it up. haha.
Ahhh Memories.

Shawn sent me a postcard from back east, and she mentioned being homesick for Europe. It just really is a different world. I really hope I get to go back someday....before something crazy happens...(my fear of which I will not at this time elaborate on)

Well, that's just about all I have to say today. I am living in a strange place at the moment; right between the past and the hopeful future. I am processing.
Here I go to do some more of that...!
Adios!

*For the whole two of you who might have any clue what I am talking about, I am and am not giving up on my lame (very very lame) search, but am very close to offering 50$ to whichever friend can definitively locate the elusive JP. Of course, that is a piddly amount considering the trouble I have gone to already without actually hiring myself a spy. ha. ha. It just sounded good for a moment.

Searching...

Today I got an email from Beth, letting us all know how school is going and whatnot. She mentioned fall, and how this is the time of year where she misses Spokane. It does have a high degree of fall splendour...especially on the south hill in the middle of a forest of Maple trees.....my favorite.
To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it though. I have some nostalgia for the gray weather of this region. An inspirational week in rainy Olympia from way back in the day, and a transformational three months in rainy Amsterdam. Good things have happened for me in gray and rainy places. Perhaps it just gives me a sense of hope. Weird, I know, but there it is.

I was talking to a couple of people this week about my plans and about what I want for my future. Of course, I don't really have a lot of answers to those questions. I am relatively non stressed out by thinking about it though, which is a nice change from days gone by.
For whatever reason memories are flooding back to me and I am sorting through plans long past. I am also sorting through faces in my mind, and for good or bad, find myself searching for people and ideas that were long ago lost to me.
It's been my experience (and certainly not mine alone) that to truly move forward you have to let go of the past. There are a couple of things from my past that keep resurfacing for me, not in any super negative way, but just in terms of being distracting enough that I am starting to think I'm going to have to face them down. I am not completely sure how that will be accomplished, but in one case, there is a person I feel like I need to see. I'm sure all it would take is a brief encounter to lodge our current reality firmly into my brain, but even so, that is easier said than done. What seems simple can also be very complicated.
In any case, it is my attempt to move forward that has me desiring to look the past (good and bad) squarely in the face and say; "Move out of my way." hehe.

So the past couple of days I find myself searching, searching for avenues...onces that I have yet to find. That's where I am, and that's really all there is.

Yeah yeah yeah

Okay, I know that I am a bad little blogger, but there just isn't much to tell, and to be honest, I have just been too busy doing other things to sit here and update.
Work is fine, everyone is nice, so that is a relief. hehe. I am still applying for other jobs, but it's no big emergency.
Today I looked at online programs to get a degree in Homeland Security or something like. They probably cost a gazillion dollars, as do most things pertaining to education...oh well. Anyway, did you know that you can get an AS in homeland security? Crazy. I hate math and science but....maybe I could suck it up. Anyway, it was just one of those things I felt like doing. I really hate school so....who knows. I've never tried doing it online.
Nothing really exciting to share today. It actually sort of rained this morning, which is a first since I've been here, and that only last about ten minutes. It's just been cool and gray ever since then. I actually see blue sky out the window for the first time all day. I like the gray though. =) Okay, maybe in January when I feel depressed I will have changed my mind, but since that has yet to happen I am going with positive thinking.
I spent three months in dreary, cold, windy Amsterdam September through December, and I loved it, so how bad can this place be??? It doesn't even snow here for crying out loud...there are no canals to freeze solid, and the freezing, nearly solid feeling, chill-you-to-your-bones, icey air isn't going to blow in off the north sea. Granted, it might feel colder in downtown Seattle with wind coming in off of Puget Sound, but I am not there, and it's still warmer here than home...just a different kind of cold. More humid.
Speaking of cold, it is chilly here in the basement, and besides, I have things to do so I must away!
Adios!!!

For Nickie

This post isn't about whatever Nickie and I have talked about lately, it's more about my relationship with God, but I thought she'd like to hear, so this post is for her.

I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.

Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"

I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)

Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.

Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!