Please, Kick Me.

I am one of them! I have crossed over! I am a lame well wisher!!!
GRRRRR!!!! I hate it when I am really hurting, or talking about my pain, and somebody who thinks they are my friend, decides to randomly relate to me, and try to encourage me. Okay, okay, you bloggers can be excluded ok. I mean, here we are, a nameless, faceless, society. You know, if you say something that I don't like, I can weigh it, and decide if the heart is in the right place, and then put it on the shelf ya know?? I might give a little "grrr" but I will get over it. Essentially this is what we do here right? We all kind of bitch about life, and then feel free to make comments about each others bitching?
I guess that when its people I know, or used to know, I just feel like my space is being invaded. Isn't that weird? I know, it so is.
It's just that...you people online...yeah, we might become friends, like Joe and Sandy and me for example...and you might have a real avenue to speak into my life, or you might grow on me, like Lara and Jill, but you aren't here. Judging me, trying to make me feel better. Wanting me to put on a happy face, so that you don't have to deal with my pain. That makes me crazy!
Okay, okay, not everyone wants that. Some people are very genuine, I just hate lame antecdotes.
So, tonight I emailed my friend, and I didn't give them any lame antecdotes. I just told them that I know about pain, the kind that rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding, and I like people who can just let me be there, and not try to fix it, and not expect me to say anything deep in return.
It sounds fine right? Something I would appreciate! The problem is, I haven't spoken to this person in years. So...is it going to be something they are going to appreciate?! I am now starting to be afraid not, and feeling like a lame commenter, trying to make my friend feel better, when I can't.
I hate that. If I was there...maybe I could just sit with my friend, and let them hurt, but still be there, or maybe I could help them out somehow, you know, by doing something practical for them when they wanted to lay on the floor in a heap...but I am not there. I am far far away....and maybe they wouldn't want me there anyway!!!! So I just pray, and hurt, and cry over my friend. I guess that is the best thing I can do after all, but I don't always like it.

So there you have it, my confession.

Deep Breaths

Okay, so I'm feeling a little better now.
I mean, aside from listening to sappy old country music, that I cannot seem to pull myself away from. haha.
I mean, I am not feeling entirely better....no, no. Just a little.
Today I have talked to some friends, and it has been really nice. A good day over all. In fact, earlier today I thought...Wow, I really feel so much better, but that has slowly faded away.
I can feel the prayers and the tears, just biding their time.

On the upside, I have been singing more this week than in a long time...for a variety of reasons I think. It feels nice though, and it is a way to let some emotion out.
I keep thinking that maybe I am just pmsing and that I will snap out of it any minute. ha! I think that is wishful thinking. Anyway, it keeps not happening!! Dammit!!!! :p You know, just when I finally want to blame my emotions on my hormones, they aren't acting up. lol! Figures!

I was looking for this journal of mine...grrr. I left some in my hope chest, which is at my mom's house in Spokane. I grabbed the most recent few. There are six or seven of them. Well, the one from 05 is missing. Apparently I left that one, and that happens to be the one I want, so I am really annoyed. I guess you would have to be me to understand this strange phenomenon.:p
Oh well I guess.

I do need to take a trip home soon. See a couple of friends, and my baby neice, whom I have not yet gotten to hold. I am the oldest of 12 grandchildren on my mom's side, and all of a sudden everyone started having babies!! My cousin Zack and his wife, had a little girl last year. She turned one in November, and at Christmas they announced that they were pregnant again. In the past year, my cousin Sarah, her brother Jacob's girlfriend, and my brother's girlfriend Kayla, have all had babies. Sarah had twins.
I am starting to feel old. lol.

Too many things are happening at once! :p That little cave is still looking good. hehe.

I want to write, and I want not to write. I honestly just don't even know what to say half the time. I don't know what my problem is. I mean, okay, lol, I know what *some* of my problems are! haha. I just don't know what my main problem is in this particular instance, and the theories I have are ones that I really do not like or want to face.
Obviously I am going to have to come to terms with that at some point though.

I could deal with the praying and the crying at night, if I could be a very happy and well adjusted girl during the day.
Rawr. Some *days* are better than others. So, I am going to cross my fingers for tomorrow's shift.
Unfortunately, I may have to find a church. I really, really don't want to, but I am bored, and must make friends. Not saying that because I am in a friend I will neccesarily make friends, but let's face it, I have too much time on my hands. Do I want to get involved in church culture again? No. am I ready to deal with that? Probably not.
I mean, I will love the worship portion, and things will be fine until people start telling me how to live my life. Ha! As if I am not one of the most hard core people I have ever known....or at least, hadn't spent most of the past decade of my life being...
And then I might have an episode where I tell some nice, well-meaning church person to kiss my ass, or at least to take a flying leap of some kind..:p
Ugh.

*sigh* Anyway....I need to set my clock forward, and get ready for bed, so that I can give the prayers an tears a sufficient amount of time to run their course before I deprive myself of too much sleep.
Thank you, Oh great blogging community, for listening to my Woes.

Take this heart....and just rip it right out of me

Okay, so here I am with my ongoing drama.

Actually, I am fine. Really. In my lovely, large apartment, all by myself, with food in my cupboards, I really have nothing to complain about.
So...why is it that ever since I have been home from Charlotte, I have been the living dead? I have been dragging myself through each and every work day. This was before my friends tracked me down and gave me more to be upset about.

Why is this happening? I have been doing pretty well here in Federal Way. The only thing I can think of, is that I am just lonely. In Charlotte I was with Shawn all the time. When I lived with Lance and Jeni, even though I was pretty solitary, I at least saw them from time to time. I guess it was more essential human contact than I realized.
I am really ok. I am going to get up, and go to work, and it is going to be fine. Just like any other day. I have come to realize, however, that my job is my life. So when I have a bad day at work...there is noone pleasant to come home to. My friends here are almost entirely co-workers. At least, the people I ever hang out with are coworkers. Which, isn't neccesarily bad, but I can never separate myself from work.

I have just been trying to distract myself this week. Stay busy, but it's been hard. Everyone else is so busy, noone is answering their phones. Today I took a nap, and went grocery shopping, and chatted with the girl scouts...good times. it wasn't a bad day, except for the gaping hole in my heart, which is at once explainable, and at the same time a complete and utter mystery to me.

Life...is long and difficult, and frankly, I really dislike it sometimes. :p I am sure that most of you can relate.
Right now I really want to dig myself a little hole, and hide in there, away from the whole world, and not have to deal with the way I am feeling, and not have to deal with hurting friends whom I cannot help.
Tonight I was praying, and remembering other prayer times, where there were a lot of tears. I wish that I felt the same spiritual connection, but alas, I do not entirely.
Again, I am praying for someone, for whom prayer used to always bring tears, and at times, I wish that I could not be praying for them, and that it was not my job. Selfish, I know. You don't only pray for the people who make you all happy happy joy joy inside. That's far too easy. No, real intercession is when you pray for the people who break your heart into tiny little bite size pieces. oh yeah. So thrilling to be me.

There is nowhere I can run, and nowhere I can hide from this, and I have to tell you, every crazy spontaneous idea I have ever had is crashing into my brain right now, looking for a way out....but it's inside of me, and you can't run from that.
I am having a seriously animated conversation with God in my head, if you want to know the truth. I told my friend that I wanted to just run out into the rain, and scream up at the sky; HERE IT IS!!!!! TAKE IT!!! JUST RIP IT RIGHT OUT!!! IT'S YOURS ANYWAY!!!! My heart that is. Alas, it stays put, and just keeps beating out it's agonizing rythm.

I decided that the things I thought were laid down a long time ago, maybe were not completely, and to face going there again...not pleasant in any way. In fact, I don't know that I have it in me to do it again at all.

Vent

It's that time again. Time for venting.

I want to vent about something that I am not sure I can find words for. I just feel frustration.
Yesterday I reconnected with some old friends.
They updated me on another friend, who I wrote about in December. His name is Jason.
I am tired of hearing that life is beating up my friends. I know it happens to all of us in some seasons, but lately.....rawr.
It makes me sad. It makes me feel despair. It makes me lack hope. Especially, you know, this is someone who I used to pray and pray for. Cry and cry over, and I just want them to be happy, and it grieves me to find out that they are not.

So anyway, moving on into todays conversations....it was a rehashing of old things between my friend and I. The relationship in its twisted form. Okay, maybe twisted is the wrong word. It was a good friendship. We were young, and probably too young to make it anything more serious, despite feelings on both sides. I was pretty open with my feelings towards him, but he hid his feeling for me for a long time.
Despite that, we had a great friendship. There were other issues though. Alcohol, and various other things.
They moved, I stayed.
I'm not sorry. I had gotten involved with my church, and was where I knew I needed to be. Because I went the direction I did, I have been overseas and had the opportunity to do a lot of things I might not otherwise have done.
Even so...
I have never had that kind of relationship ever again.
A couple friendships have come close, have been good, but without that romantic connection that makes someone "more" than your friend, you know?

I am 30. I was 18.
I imagined it happening long before now. The fact that it hasn't is alright....but what aggrevates me, is that we had something good, and it didn't have a chance. Years later I am thinking....What the hell?? I can't help being a little upset for myself.
Although I am upset for myself however, I am more upset for my friend, who deserves to have some happiness in life, and has worked hard at making his life better!!!! I want to pray and believe, like I used to believe, that God is going to change things, and make them better, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. I don't know what is going to happen for my friend. Grrrr.

I want to cry and yell at God, and do all those things I used to do that made me feel much better in the morning....!

That's all I can say right now.

Hello World!!

Yes, yes, I am back from my brief excursion. My vacation was wonderful...good company being the highlight, with an exceptional bottle of wine thrown in here and there...fabulous food, and my pint of cider at the Irish pub. hehe.
Asheville was nice, we had dinner with another friend of mine who lives there, and toured the Builtmore House....oldest privately owned home estate in the country (right Jill?!). It was fabulous.

So, now I am home, and tired. My flight got in around 9:30 on Monday, then began the waiting at baggage claim, and after everything I finally got home around 11:00p.m. I had to wake up at 3:30 am to go to work. Joy. My body was already screaming; "It's two in the morning!" when I went to sleep, since it has been enjoying east coast time for a week, and the whole day was so long I was just exhausted. So then Tuesday, after a really long Monday and four hours of sleep, I was a delirious idiot, who luckily got to go home early and nap. =)
After said nap, I began packing. Since I still have a lot of things at my mom's house in Spokane, there isn't too much luckily. Last night I slept for about six hours, and this morning I had to open again, so it has been a really long day. Raelynn and I hauled a bunch of stuff over to my new apartment, I signed the lease and whatnot, and then we went shopping for a few last minute items.
It is 8:15 and I am completely exhausted.
I feel like an old woman. :p

My apartment is great though. Plenty of space for little ole me. It's so weird to go there and think..."I have this place all to myself!" :p
I am not sleeping there tonight, and tomorrow is still up in the air, but I am getting things organized and will be settled soon I hope.
My friends have been so helpful, and generous...I don't know what I would do without them. Raelynn is like Mighty Mouse, or the Energizor Bunny! She ran up and down the stairs today with boxes, thank God, because I hadn't lifted much when my back began to give me a seriously hard time. Grrrr!!!! I wish for a happily straight spine.

I am going to seriously have to go to bed soon. Since American Idol (rawr!) has messed up my regularly scheduled programming, I thought I would watch a movie, but to be honest, I am not sure that I could keep my eyes open!!!!
I thought I would write more than this, but frankly, ya'll are lucky to get anything with my current brain dead state of being.

Hope everyone out there is doing well!!!



Currently reading; The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse/David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen

All Over the Place

First, let me just say that I am feeling the pressure from Jill and Lara, who update much more frequently than I do, to actually blog today. How do you people run across my blog anyway??
In any case....
I am feeling a bit stressed out about the move and everything that goes along with it. I have some great friends here who have been helping me out tremendously, so hopefully when I get back from Charlotte, and start tossing things in boxes, that feeling of support will carry me through the stress.

On...Thursday? Yeah, Thursday. My memory failed me for a minute there. On Thursday I talked to Starbucks HR to find out how to go about working for the company overseas...specifically in the UK. Of course, whoever I talked to couldn't help me, and instead gave me the number for the Resource Manager in my area, who in fact, has not called me back yet. Grrr.
Wouldn't that be a great experience? Working overseas for six months or something? Plus, bonus, much closer to Amsterdam. =)

Work is going...rather well actually. One of my ASM's think I am a rock star, my manager loves me, and all of these make it incredibly easy to serve them in whatever way possible. Although our store has its issues, I love our partners, and I really want to see things flow more smoothly. I am trying to devise ways of making that happen. I don't want to get transferred though, as long as I am in the states, and inevitably, with a promotion, comes a transfer. So, I am crossing my fingers that if things work out for me to go overseas, I can at least stay at my store until that time. After that, well, we shall see. I never thought I wanted to go into management, but I have a lot more confidence in that regard than I used to, and it really does help when you see the areas that you could make positive changes, if only it was up to you. Time will tell, but it is definitely a more distinct possibility than it was before.

I make friends with the most random people. I don't know what attracts me to them. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and because of this, I like to think that I have some sort of a knack for searching out deceny in humanity. haha. When I was 19-ish, I had a couple of bad experiences, which I did not want to repeat, and I think I learned a lot from that, about who to trust, and who to keep on the back burner for awhile...let those friendships simmer....sometimes they thicken into quality. =)
Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have the same luck with men, at least as far as, men to be in relationships with. I have amazing guy friends (you know who you are), and mostly always have, but I end up falling for the wrong ones. Okay, by wrong I don't mean alcoholics, or drug dealers, or baddy bay boys, just guys that are wrong for me, and are bound to break my heart. *sigh* I can't decide if I just have bad luck, or if subconciously I am picking the wrong guys over and over so that I don't have to committ.
I have a really hard time believing that is the case, since I really want to get married and all that, but so many years of bad choices has put a tiny little question in my mind.

I won't go into my latest crush, although if I did I am sure a couple of people might be somewhat scandalized. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me either, and I wonder if it is just evidence of my being desperate (God I hope not!), even though I don't necessarily feel like I am. *shrug* At least I like nice guys. They might be wrong for me, but at least they aren't the malicious type to use and abuse me. They never break my heart on purpose. It's just a byproduct of not being loved the way I want. Blah blah blah.
What causes us to be attracted to certain people anyway?? Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.
Anyway, I have a treasure trove of friends that make life wonderful, and so incredibly worth living. =)

Speaking of, I am leaving early Weds. morning to fly to North Carolina. I'll be there with my friends for six days, and we'll be visiting another friend in Asheville. I think that is close to Jill?? *waves to Jill* So, everyone, I do not know if I will be updating again in the next week. Two days after I get home, I am moving into a new apartment. I am not entirely sure what is going to happen with my internet as of yet. I desperately need to buy a new laptop, but just cannot do that at the moment. So, I am letting you know that my posts might be fewer and further between. I hope that this is not the case, but it might have to be. So, if I am in and out a little bit less, don't forget about me!!! I'm still out here!!!! =)


Currently Reading: A Long Way Gone/Ishmael Beah

Grrrr at Valentine's Day!

Okay, Okay, I don't like it. I confess.
First of all, I really don't enjoy pink all that much. Pale pink is nice on little girls, and flowers, and that is about all the good things I can say about pink.

Normally, I don't consider myself a bitter single person, and I tell myself that it's more about the things that usually go *wrong* on Valentine's Day, and less about the fact that I am a big outsider in all the gushy love stuff.
Okay, YES, if you must know, things that have gone wrong on past Valentines have had to do with relationships, or crush's or whatever, but that was a long time ago! Other obnoxious things have also happened on this day to aggrevate me.
I know that today is the 15th, and not the 14th, but I blame yesterday for starting the downward spiral. I was sooo frustrated, because I had these books shipped to my friend, from Amazon.com, and realised that I had forgotten to include the Apt. #. Duh. So, I tried changing it, but it was too late, and since then I have also talked to UPS, who told me to call back tomorrow. Grr. Thus began my frustration.
Today I went to check the balance on my cell phone. Some time ago I asked my sister if she wouldn't please help me out with the phone bill for the next couple of months, as I am moving on the 28th, and can't really afford to pay it at the moment. Not only has she not paid anything yet, but I also got the next one, showing me that I had totally gone over on my minutes, thereby making my next bill over 300$. Normally, I would be frustrated but I would just pay it. Right now, I am more than frustrated, as I cannot possibly pay for it at the moment, and can only hope to get it all paid by the skin of my teeth before the end of March.
*sigh*
This is along with buying groceries, to stock an empty kitchen, and all the things that go with moving into a new apartment. I am no longer excited about it.

So back to Valentine's Day... This friend of mine at work got a dozen, lovely, pale pink roses from her boyfriend. I have to admit, that when they got there, all I could think was..."Ugh," as I felt this sinking feeling in my stomache.
Our ASM started to make obnoxious comments about V-Day, at which time I informed her that; "As the token single person here today, I reserve the right to make the bitter Valentines comments, alright?"

Today, I am just glad that it's over. No more pink spilling over everything, no more tiny candy hearts, no more gushy love stuff peeking out at me from every corner. No more reminders that in 30 years, despite my charm (:p), noone has liked me enough to take me out on Valentine's Day. (Not that I would go, since I am now against the day on principle. lol!)

Welcome to my life. =)

I console myself with the fact that despite being completely broke, having no idea how I will get my things over here from Spokane, and knowing that things are going to be incredibly tight for the next six months, probably not allowing me to save for the trip overseas that I desperately want to take, I am going to Charlotte next week to see my beloved Shawn, and certainly that ought to make up for some dissapointment. =)

So there you have it, my bitchy post for this post-Valentine's Day.


Currently Reading: Throne of Jade/Naomi Novik

~Amsterdam~

It's less like a place to me, and more like a person who has my heart. It keeps pulling on it saying; Come back to me!

It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.

Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.

Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.

The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.

My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.

Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.


Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan

Friends! People! I Like Ya!

Okay, most of the time. haha!

Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!

So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)

Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!

My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?

I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)

Survey Says...

Jill, who's blog I read off and on, posted this, and I decided that I would repost it here. Fair is fair, after all. I have only done this once here on my blog I think, back when I first started it, although I am addicted to these stupid things on myspace. Ugh.
So here you go....

Getting to Know Me:

1.)What color are your kitchen plates?
Black. Just plain old black. Although, I am about to buy some crazy, festive, yellow dishes...to spice things up a bit.

2.) What book are you reading now?
I am still reading 'His Majesty's Dragon' by Naomi Novik. To be honest, I have been busy and distracted, and it's just been one of those weeks where I don't feel like reading that much.

3.)What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have one

4.)Favorite board game?
I don't know if it is "technically" a board game, but along the same vein....Apples to Apples (currently anyway).

5.)Least favorite smells?
Some flowery perfumes really make me nauseous. Otherwise, Jill mentioned vomit, and I don't think much can beat that....although there were some very odd smells in India at times...

6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning?
Oh Holy Lord!! I am so freaking tired right now...I can't do it...I can't do it!

7.)Favorite Color?
Crimson...the color of dark Poinsettia leaves at Christmastime. Blood red.

8.)Least favorite color?
Pink. pleh!

9.)How many rings until you answer the phone?
It depends on who it says is calling, and whether or not I am debating even answering. Usually about two though, unless I am trying to find my phone.

10.)Future child's name?
I don't know if I can really answer that, since obviously I will have a husband who probably also has an opinion, but for a boy, James is at the top of my list, and for a girl, Ruth Louise...my favorite Aunt's name is Ruth, and it is also the middle name of a dear friend and someone I look up to tremendously. Louise I just have always loved, and I love the nickname Lou.

11.)Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate

12.)Do you like to drive fast?
Yes, unless it's like...dark and rainy.

13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope

14.)Do you like thunderstorms?
Very much...unless they knock the power out for four days when it is 30 degrees, and lower outside!

15.)What color are your eyes?
Hazel...in fact, two of my siblings are hazel eyed too, but one's are more brown, where mine are more green.

16.)Sign?
Gemini

17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Why is this question on every survey? It is lame..hehe. Usually, I eat the stems of broccoli, yes.

18.)If you could have any job, what would it be?
To be honest, I am not sure. As long as it allowed me to write and travel though, it would be good. Writing for tv would be fun...I don't know if I have the talent though...but then, this is a hypothetical question right? Assuming I was good enough to do whatever I wanted as well? Then heck, I would be Pink...or Amy Lee. haha

19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
Mine is fine actually, maybe a little more red. I am starting to grey though. My hair is so thick that it is not super noticeable at the moment, but there is A LOT of grey in there already, it's just spread throughout really well. In the next five years, it will be a lot more obviously salt and peppery. My mom is 50 and has been grey for a long time. I might have ten years left, so I am trying to enjoy the hair color God gave me while I can. haha. Besides, I earned these grey hairs damnit!!!

20.)Is the glass half full or half empty?
It totally depends on my mood that day, or whether I am trying to reassure myself...or someone else. lol. More faith for other people!

21.)What is your favorite movie?
This week? I hate this question. There are way too many, and I can never even remember the best ones when I am asked. I love dramas, and particularly movies that make you think. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' is a fave. I have a lot. I love movies.

22.)Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Mostly, yes.

23.)What's under your bed?
Currently, only shoes and slippers

24.)What is your favorite number?
Don't have one.

25.)Favorite sports to watch?
There is a sport besides football???!

26.)Your single biggest intense pain?
When my sister died...and I don't mean just emotionally. Her accident was on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday. It was three days of this up and down, not eating, not sleeping, hoping and then despairing, having your heart ripped out and bleeding all over the place. I felt it in every bone of my body.

27.)Person most likely to respond?
If I sent this, maybe Nicki. She's a good sport. =)

28.)Person least likely " "?
Not sure....Joe!

29.)Ketchup or Mustard?
Mustard...dijon perferrably.

30.)Hamburgers or hotdog?
Depends. If I am camping...hotdogs. I make then nice and black. If I am in California...burgers from In and Out Burger, and in Texas, Whataburger. Both fabulous.

31.)What is your favorite season?
Football. hehe. (Fall)

32.)The best place you have ever been?
Amsterdam...something about that place just seeped inside of me...and no, I don't mean the marijuana smoke, lol! In fact, I was just reading a travel article about it, and my heart physically ached to return. Hopefully someday soon.

33.)Favorite fast food?
Aside from the aforementioned burger joints, located only hundreds of miles away from me? Probably...Taco Bell.

34.)What kind of car do you drive?
A Plymouth Neon...but I really really want a red Jeep Wrangler. hehe.

35.)Married or Single?
So very single.

So there you have it. Another silly survey. Feel free to post your own if you feel so inclined. =)

Searching for Meaning...

So yesterday I had an apartment to move into. We were going to sign a year lease. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about signing a year lease, though I can't tell you why. In any case, today I do not have that apartment to move into. I won't go into the details, but I am back to square one. I do have another potential roommate, but I can't move in until April 1st, and ideally, I should be moving the 1st of March. My housemates are awesome, but would really like their house back to themselves, and who can blame them?
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.

Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.

Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.

What to Say

I'm feeling a bit...disappointed.
Things have actually been going pretty well lately, and certain concerns I have had about living situations and whatnot are getting taken care of. So, ya know, I should be feeling pretty good. On the contrary, I've been feeling a little anxious, and I have had a hard time sleeping this last week. The past couple of days I have just kept myself so busy, so that I didn't have enough time to stop and think about things that I didn't need to think about. If that seems vague, it's intentional.
So on to the disappointment...
I have been pretty lucky in my life as far as friendships are concerned. I know so many amazing people. I have done a decent amount of traveling, always meeting new faces, always forming new connections. Moving here was the same. New friends, new things.
People slip in and out of your life, and this is the way of things. You are happy that you have the chance to know them when you do. Friendships enrich the soul. Long term ones and short term ones. Let's face it, we are all different; We have different hopes and dreams, and pursue different ends. We have to enjoy the times we have, and let each other move on.
Sometimes I just don't want to let people go though.
Some people I just want to hang onto. I guess that's normal.
In this case, it isn't only my wanting to hold onto someone, but also just feeling like...I haven't gotten to know them as well as I would have liked, and now that might not happen. Which, of course, is something that I need to accept and I have known that all long.
*sigh*
I also have my own ends to pursue. I didn't move here to work at Starbucks forever. Yeah, I like my job. I actually do. Even so, eventually I need to take some writing classes and look into some other things...not because I know what I want to do with my life, but because there are a lot of things I *could* do. Something creative would be nice. There are just a lot of options and I am certainly not ready to be matronly; Just get comfy and settle in and never go anywhere again or whatever.
So...we come, we go. We make friends and we lose touch with friends. Life evolves. It's supposed to. Change is good.

So why does my heart feel like this?



**Currently reading: His Majesty's Dragon/Naomi Novik

Babies

First of all, for anyone reading this that does not know. I am an Aunt this week. Okay, yes, its' true that I have been an Aunt before...I have a nephew who is six. Even so, this is my first niece, and every baby is a blessing.
I can't say that there are not circumstances surrounding the baby and it's caretaking that I am not worried and upset about, but right now let's just look at the miracle that she is, and be glad at least, for that. Her name is Hailey Anne and she was born on Friday. 5lbs, 10 ounces. Very adorable.

I also found out today that one of my dearest most wonderfulest (yes, I know that's not a word) friends, is having TWINS!! It is soooo exciting!!!! They just had the ultra sound this morning.
Many people close to me have twins. It's like....I spread it around or something. haha. My cousin Sarah has twins. My very close friends James and Lisa have twins. My good friend Angela has twins, and now Karla is having twins. It's a bit uncanny to be honest...it really really is.

I am 30 and single, so there is no fear of me having my own twins any time soon!! haha. Plus, after everyone else has all the twins, I will most likely not. :p
I have been so excited after talking to Karla today, and seeing the ultrasound pictures...I was calling and emailing everyone who might not have gotten her initial email.
Now I am feeling kind of tired, and other things are creeping into my mind.

For example, how I am worried about my little sister, and nobody seems to care what's going on with her, since it is overshadowed by babies, and the trouble my brother gets into. I am far away, and I don't know what to do, or what I can do.
It's been a great last couple of days, and now these things are creeping up on me, and I just feel like weeping.
*sigh*
I think I need to go have a nap now. Sometimes that helps me be calm when I start getting overwhelmed.

I am going to start doing this when I post;
*currently reading: A Knight of the Word/Terry Brooks

New Friends and Stuff

I seem to have a couple of new commenters of late. Hello new commenters! (Is that even a word?) Anyway, interesting to me that someone besides those who liked me already would want to read all of my passionate tossings of words. hehe.
This isn't just about the appearance of new people at my blog though.
I have new friends in *real life* too. :p
Actually, I have started to hang out more with a couple of coworkers...it's not that I usually am at a loss for making friends...but, ya know, I am not as in a hurry as I used to be. I want to genuinely be able to communicate with the people I hang around with. :p

It's been fairly interesting lately.

You know, there is this one person I am friends with...and I am almost loathe to say this, because who really knows who is reading my blog, and I wouldn't want anyone to take it the wrong way...even so, I want to vent.

The other day I was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep, and thinking about a conversation I was having with a friend, and at the same time, kind of arguing with God, when I realized with shocking clarity: "Criminy! You are using me in this persons life, aren't You?!?! Despite how much I suck or whatever is going on with me, through no choice of my own, You are still doing it aren't You?!?! You are ALWAYS doing it!!!!" RAWR!
Okay, not like I can actually, legitimately be mad about something like that. In fact, at another time, perhaps I would be glad to know that He uses us despite ourselves, but I confess, that I was really thinking of what I was getting out of the friendship. Not that I didn't care about the other person. Of course I do! A lot! It's just that...I guess I was feeling....drat. I don't know how to explain.
There was sort of this level playing field. This person and I became friends, and certainly christianity affected it, but didn't dictate it. I wasn't their intercessor, they weren't the person that gave me sage wisdom, we were just friends. Then, all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, I realized that God was speaking to them, through me. You know, which does not neccesarily mean that its not still a level playing field..but once that inner me realizes that there is something lacking there for them, that unconcious intercessor starts stretching her legs.
Of course I pray for my friends....or at least....in theory...I mean, I always have, just not quite as much at the moment.
And, you know, my friends pray for me as well, just the same. That's level. But it's just....different. Of course, this person may be way more mature than I know yet, and maybe secretly they are saying a prayer for me. I hope so. I don't want to be the big sister right now. That is not what I was hoping for in this situation. *sigh*
Call me selfish. Maybe I am.
I just wanted to meet this someone eye to eye. If its not doable, it just isn't, and I will deal with that when I know it for sure. I am still holding out for hope though.

There is this point I hit before...in the midst of a lot of things...where I really resented the whole "straight and narrow." I don't mean, living a good and prudent life either, because I have always mostly done that, before I ever got involved in church or leadership. What I mean is, this whole higher expectation.
I think I wanted to know what it was like to sink back to a normal level of personhood, where I could be friends with whoever I wanted, and hang out with them wherever I wanted. You know, while we were having drinks, while they were smoking pot...whatever my conscience dictated was alright for that person at that time. No restraints placed on me by my tightrope of leadership.
I don't want that kind of attention anymore. I just want to be another one of the huddled masses. Making a difference in some way...sure, but I don't care if hardly anyone sees that. It's just the individuals that matter to me now. I don't want to be any big thing. I don't need any pedestals to fall off of. I want to have friends to walk with, who also struggle, and we struggle through it together, but we are all the same, and none are better than the others. We are all playing in the mud.
So I guess...I just wanted to peek out from the mud, and see this other person muddy next to me, rather than finding myself clean, sitting on the side of the playpen, looking in at them and seeing their filth, and finding that feeling in myself slowly grow, that I am somehow different than they are, and maybe somehow better.

That's all for now.

Nighttime and Words

This is how I know that I am a night person...Nighttime is when I do most of my writing. Nighttime is when my brain kicks into overdrive, and random thoughts start spewing out all over the place.
Of course, I can write in the daytime too, and I used to go every morning to get coffee and sit and write awhile. I like to do that too....but there is something that happens at night that I cannot explain. With that said, here I am again.

A very long time again, when I was in 10th? maybe 11th grade, I remember being very upset over something, I can't now remember what. In any case, I was in my room, and I was crying, and that's what I remember. I also remember that I chose that moment to say something, which was maybe partially a request as well, to God. I wasn't much of a praying person back then. I was kind of coming into the whole thing on my own though. Just starting to get there. So as I was crying, my sentiment was something like this; Whatever it's like in the future, however much it hurts or whatnot, I always want to be able to feel it....because I would rather have it hurt....I would rather weep like this, than feel nothing. After awhile of feeling nothing, I think you grow even more numb, and I never want to be numb.
Naive huh?
Sometimes now, I am numb, and I do want to be. Mostly because, being a person who feels a lot of raw emotion takes its toll over time.
I havn't been to church in awhile, and the last church I went to was Mars Hill. Now, Mars Hill is a fantastic church, but they don't have a traditional worship service.
One thing I really love about a more traditional worship service is that you might get a lot of repetetive, but you don't have to learn new words every week, and the music is usually fairly easy to follow. This is nice if you want to just be able to sing, and worship, and not worry about the details.
So anyway, I have been meaning to visit this church in town, and I just asked my friend if she would go with me. We're going to go this weekend I think.
Saturday of course, no, I am not missing the playoff game. (haha)

Last week, before I asked my friend, I was just imagining that this was going to end up being one of those worship services where, for whatever reason, I felt particularly touched, and spent the ENTIRE time sobbing my eyeballs out. I am RIPE for this sort of occurance, and it is one that I do not want to have my first night in a new church. Call me crazy, but I don't want to field those sorts of questions, and it might sound crazy, but that sort of encouragement.
Frankly, it is just sometimes annoying when people you have never met before want to give you comfort, as if they have any idea what's going on with you. I just need a good release, okay pal?!?!?!

I know I've mentioned in the past that I am looking for some kind of consistency in my life, as far as, the kind of person I am in public, in private, wherever. Integrating everything that I believe in into one me. Rather than having church Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and Starbucks Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and so on and so forth. Somebody who speaks a language that is relevent all the time, not just in the bubble that church can be. I am done being that person. I don't understand Christianity to be that way. It's not supposed to be!
I cannot reconcile myself to that anymore.

So right now I am dealing with things on my own...I've been afraid to go back to a church, fearing that I will be sucked back into that culture. Maybe I will just go here and there, I don't know. The thing is, God really can move in churches in crazy ways, and having the encouragement of worshipping with all those other believers can be amazing. Church isn't all bad, it's just that there must be more balance.
So...yeah.
I feel somewhat torn. I know in some ways I could use it, and in others....yeah.

I find myself in this place with God where...we really aren't communicating so much. Well, I am sure that He is communicating all the time!! haha! It's ME that has the problem!!! :p
There are these things in the back of my head, and things that I am struggling with sorting out, and I know that I really can't do it on my own, but I sort of hope He will just miraculously intervene without my having to ask, or rather, that at least He just will keep my together so that I don't have an emotional breakdown! :p
The thing is, if I ask Him, and He does nothing (or I percieve He does nothing), then I get letdown. I can deal with the situation, better than I can deal with the dissapointment, so I don't ask.
I don't pray about relationships, a spouse, or any of that mumbo jumbo, because of essentially the same thing. I can deal with being single and not having too many friends where I am, that is usually totally fine, only sometimes hard. Admitting that I want it though, and talking about it to Him, and being completely open about what's deep down inside, brings all of that to the top, for my occassionally shaky emotions to deal with. Then I just feel raw for awhile. I get over it, I mean, until the next time I have to deal with it, but it's still horrible.
I feel like I am just walking around with this gaping wound in my heart. This is my life. I get somebody that I think I need to pray for...and they start doing all this lame ass crap, and the more I pray for them, the more of a heart I have for them, until I have heartache over every stupid ass thing they do!! Is this fair?!?!?! In order to pray so honestly, does it require a constant broken heart on my end?!?! This is how I have begun to feel over time. This is why I have sort of taken a break from praying for people....as horrible as that may sound.

I used to deal with it a lot better. I mean, I understood that place so well, and the ups made it all worth it. Over time and dissapointment though, I have started to feel very selfish, and very tired. Perhaps I will snap out of it. Who knows. I would like to say that I can be an intercessor, regardless of what it costs me, but in order for that to happen, I am going to have to come back to a place of seeing the greater good. Essentially, of having what we like to call in the church, an"eternal perspective." Knowing that you are storing your treasure in heaven, or whatnot, and that its really not about here at all. Knowing that there is some reward for your efforts. I don't mean, reward as in; My mansion is bigger in shinier than yours!! That is a bunch of B.S.! Like we earn it or something...we don't. I mean, more like an eternal reward in people, and in being with all of them in a better place.
Maybe it sounds lame to some people.
Anyway, I used to have that perspective, and I have lost it. It rolled away under the bed or something I guess. :p
Once in awhile I think...Okay Lord! We are going to have it out tonight...but to me that means that I am going to cry, and talk to Him about all of this stuff that he already knows I am feeling, and nothing is going to change, except for tomorrow I am going to feel better for awhile. So, a week or so from now, I am going to be dissapointed again, because I need real answers to some of my questions, like, last week.
And why go through that? Why not just leave everything in the background, and focus on the important things like...Oh, finding a place to live, that is incredibly cheap!
*sigh*
Oh to be 22 again. When I believed and that was alll I needed. I miss that place.

LOL!
I talked to an old friend the other day, and he asked me; Hey!? Done any more of your crazy 40 day fasts lately?! And I was like..Umm...no. And he said; I tell everyone about that! My crazy friend who fasted for 40 days!
And I can't even believe that that girl and I are the same. If I could meet her face to face, I wouldn't know what to say.
That was ten years ago right now. Ten years ago right now, I hadn't eaten anything in nine days. Isn't life weird? The way it twists and turns?

But hey, after all, this is me being real. So at least there is that.

All That Grown Up Stuff

I confess that I sometimes have my doubts about my competence as an adult.
What people do these days, all you have to do, is everything on your own. All you have to do is be, and have a decent job that pays all the bills, and squeak by somehow. Lord, how do single parents do it? I can barely take care of myself, let alone having the responsibility of caring for a child.
Ack!
Once in awhile, I get emotionally overwhelmed. I mean, I deal with it. I can deal. I know what I need to do when that happens, and I get by...but so far I've had roomates, and other people helping me out. So when I got emotionally overwhelmed, I felf like I could take a day off....even though I usually never do. Now, its like...not even an option, and knowing that kind of stresses me out.
Knowing that its all on me....and with my track record....a little scary. Of course, I think it is also good for me, but in the back of my mind I have this fear that I will just get so overwhelmed one day that I will break down completely.
Grrrr! I am so not the girl I always thought I was!!!!!!
I hate that!!! :p

Anyway...that's all I have to share today.

I Am SOUP!

Okay, if Ryan can do this so can I.....Talk about old loves that is.

What a freaking weird year. I seem to be tracking down a very random variety of people, but I can't help myself! It's like I am soup, and God is stirring the pot that is me, and all of the stuff that was on the bottom is now on the top...or something like that. So, all these old things that I haven't thought about in awhile, that were part of an old life I had, all of these things are starting to resurface, and I am faced with the fact that there are things in there I have never truly let go of.
At least, from the present state of my heart that must be the case.

I am somewhat afraid to post this, but such is life. I am going to do it anyway.
Once there was a guy named Jason, and he was my friend. This was a very long time ago. Jason was the last boy I kissed...a million years ago. I just don't go around kissing people you know, and I really haven't had a "boyfriend" since Jason. Although, technically, Jason was not my boyfriend either, but....let's just call it close enough.
We were really good friends, and I loved him. As much, or maybe more, than I have ever loved anyone. Because, well, I was comfortable with him...completely, and I felt safe with him, and he looked out for me, and because more than anything, we were fun together. There was a lof of joking, and laughing, and joy. Of course, regardless of those things, sometimes you just love somebody and there is no ryhme or reason at all.
Jason had his issues. He did things I did not approve of, and some of those things put his life in danger. I cried a lot of tears over Jason. At this time in my life I was really starting to have a deep relationship with God, and we had more than a few conversations about my friend.

There used to be four of us, that did everything together. We worked together, we went to concerts together, we drove around all night together, just because that is what we did. We went to Daniels and played Mortal Kombat at 4 in the morning...which, let me tell you, is the *only* video game in the world I have ever kicked a guy's ass at. I was always that girl who could grab you with her hair and slam you down on the floor!!! Remember that?? Totally old school! Jason and Daniel could never get out of it. I would just keep slamming their guy down on the ground over and over!!!! lol!!! I could never win as anyone else though, only her. I am not so good with the vids usually.
One time Daniel said that Jason and I were soul mates, and that whatever happened, in the end, we would find each other wherever we were. Obviously that isn't true, but it sounded nice at the time.
I would have married Jason. Truly. If he would have said the word. I would have done a lot of things that he actually kept me from doing. Whatever he was with anyone else, he always had integrity with me.

Sooo...yeah. I think about him off and on, but not with any great regret or anything. That all happened a long time ago.
They all moved to Texas and I stayed behind. I was getting really involved with the church at the time and I felt like God said.."No, I have something better for you."
So right before Christmas I had a dream about Jason and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. I think this is just one of those things that was buried in the closet of my heart.
I never really greived the loss of my friends. I was too busy. There was too much going on, for too long. One day I just realized that time had marched on without them, and that was ok.
Apparently my heart feels differently.
I think Jason is married and lives in Florida. When I heard he was engaged I wanted very badly to send them a gift, but had no contact information. So I called his dad a few days ago. Hopefully I can still send them a little something. We were friends, after all, more than anything, and it just seems like the thing to do. I am glad if he is well.

It's just taking me some time to sort through the heart wrenching memories. I have grown a little tired of heart wrenching, but what can you do? So I am trying to go with this house cleaning thing, or whatever God is doing, and look my past square in the face so that I can move on from it.

And there you have it. Why I am soup. =)

One For the Road

It seems like a zillion years since I updated, even though in truth it has probably only been a week and a half.
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.

Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!

I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!

Christmas, and its varying emotions

At work we have the Charlie Brown Christmas album, and every time I see it, one of those songs gets stuck in my head. I always remember that my pastor from back home loves that show, and I keep meaning to pick it up.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.

I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.

Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.

I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.

So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.

So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.

The Connector, that is me.

Apparently I do have a mission in this life. Apparently my gift, forever, will be to connect other people. For my old school college age friends, I am the go to person if you are in need of a phone number.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?

I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.

Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.

Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.

Not such good days

This is definitely one of those days that I should not be allowed near the blogger dashboard. It's been a long week, and I am feeling fairly discouraged, and I wish it were Christmas and I was at home with Becky and Rosie drinking a nice hot cocoa. =)

As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!

Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.

I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.

Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!

Stir Crazy

I do love the snow, and I am glad that I get to go into work an hour late tomorrow...yay! However, I am a little bored. I am all motivated for job hunting and whatnot, but everyone has closed up shop. I need to find something active to do in the meantime, while it is still snowy and icy and yicky outside. *sigh* *twiddle*

I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!

Oh! The Weather Outside is Frightful!!!!

SNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.

Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)

So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.

I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!

I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)

Viewing 6,087

I'm watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). I'm not actually sure how many times I have seen it to be honest, I just know that it's a lot.
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)

I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)

Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)

Just One of Those Days

As usual I got up at the bright and early crack of dawn. Actually, I confess, I usually use the terminology "butt crack" of dawn, because 3:30 in the morning not even the morning people have gotten up yet!!!
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.

Writer's Assistant

I know that this is the third entry I have posted.....wait. I was going to say "today" but since it's 1a.m. it is technically "tomorrow", or Thursday at any rate. =)
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.

So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...

Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.

Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)

So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.

There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!

The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.

Bones

I LOVE this show!!!!
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!

This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)

It's just a bunch of Huey! (As Jimmy Stewart would say)

Yes, I do love me some Jimmy Stewart. =)

So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.

-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.

-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.

I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.

I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.

My failed optimism

There's a lot of things I would like to leave out of this blog entry...
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.

I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.

You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.

I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.

God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.