Deeellliiirrriiiuuuummmm!!!!!

Why am I even blogging right now, I have to ask myself.

Myself, responding in a sing-song voice advises me, that I have at least three good hours to kill before I can go to sleep, and I must amuse myself somehow. This blog might only take ten minutes, but that is ten minutes closer to sleepy sleepy time.

You see, I have several opening shifts in a row. What this means to you is that I have to wake up around 3:30 in the morning each day.
Usually, no big deal, but lately I have only been opening here or there, and I am not used to going to sleep that early any more.
The first night I tried to go to bed early, but only succeeded in tossing and turning for several hours. I got maybe three hours of sleep, which was ok, since I would go to work, become highly caffeinated, and get to go home reasonably early and take a nap.
I have done this lots of times, and not had trouble sleeping later.

Well, that's what I did, but I don't know if all those shots of coffee came back later to bite me in the ass or what. Maybe it was the three hour nap that did me in? In any case, I could not sleep the following night, and proceeded to toss and turn once again.
Not only that, but once I did fall into a blissful sleep, I proceeded to wake up 45 minutes before my alarm...wide awake.
Yesterday I was determined to stay awake until at least 6:30 in the evening, which would be going to bed early. I made it until 4, at which time I could no longer keep my eyes open. Even though my nap was shorter, and I was still totally tired later when I went back to bed (there was yawning and everything), I STILL could not sleep!!! UGH!

I drank less coffee today, surprisingly, and am now determined to hold out until 6:30 for real.
I figure at about six I will take a nice hot bath, helping my body go into deep sleep mode. Clean, fresh smelly, and in my favorite comfy pajamas I will crawl into bed at promptly 6:30 and sleep the sleep of the dead, or at least the severely medicated. :p
It's only 3 though, and that time seems a long, long time away.
*chants to self: "I can do it! I can do it!"*

I keep calling people for sheer entertainment value. I am not even at that place where I am so tired that I am extremely hilarious...I am passed there actually. Nothing is that funny anymore!!! :p

In other news, I love my doctor. Random information I know.
I haven't had a general doctor in a long time actually. I mean, I have gone to a couple of different clinics when I needed to, but that was not often. I had an ear nose throat guy in Montana that I liked, but that was a few years ago.
So anyway, in the fall after I moved over here, I was a coughing machine. I think it took me time to become somewhat mold/damp resistant. I needed to go to the doctor bad, so I found the nearest clinic, and made an appointment. Essentially I just fell into having a fabulous doctor. His family had just relocated here from somewhere up north. He is one of those doctors who makes you feel like he actually listens to you, rather than just giving you a drug and sending you on your merry way.
The funny thing is, he sometimes comes through my drive-thru, especially on the weekends, picking up treats for the wife and kiddies. This morning he came through and asked me how I was doing, and seemed to genuinely be concerned. So we talked about the muscle relaxers, the Physical therapist, and money. haha.
Anyway, he is just a really nice guy, and I am so glad that I have a doctor I really like.Some doctors are just creepy, or not very helpful.

I also need to go to the dentist, although I have been putting it off because I know they are going to want me to get my wisdom teeth out, which I can't afford just yet...but there is this dentist, also fabulous, who frequents my store as well, and I am totally going to go see him if he is contracted with my insurance company. Love the guy.

So yeah. It's nice. Sometimes hard to find a physician/dentist who you like.

Well, I am 16 minutes closer to the sleep deadline.
I hope I make it. =)

Later taters!

God Is In the Details...(for Lara)

This blog is a small story about my very random life, how people intersect, and kindred spirits.

Last night I got an email from Kenny. Kenny is four years younger than me, and grew up with my brother. I babysat him a couple of times when I was a teenager and he and his younger sister weren't quite there. Kenny and my brother have been beer drinking hooligans together since forever(remind me to tell random head injury stories later).
A few years ago (three or four?) Kenny got saved. I hadn't spoken to him in awhile. He was, after all, a hooligan, and I was too busy studying the bible to associate with hooligans. :p kenny called me up and asked me about a bible study, because he really wanted to get involved in one, so I took him to mine. It was kind of cool. Kenny, like us, also lost his sister in a car accident.
Kenny is now married and lives in Montana, and I don't get to see or talk to him as much as I would like, but he is still 'little brother' and that is nice.

In 2001 I went to Montana to work with Youth With A Mission. Three months into my time there I got a lovely roommate named Erin, 19, from Recluse (Gilette) Wyoming. Five months prior to my relocation to Montana, my sister had passed away. I was ok, but a bit messy. I cried...a lot. Erin was...amazing. She was like a very understanding younger sister, with tons of grace, who shared my love for all things tea, coffee, and books. We spent many Saturday mornings together eating biscotti, or roaming book stores. Over the course of our time together, I got to talk to Erin's mother, Anita, over the phone several times. She is a kick, who shares our love of tea and literature, made us candles that smelled of bergamot, and sent more biscotti for our consumption. =)

Last night I read Lara's blog. I am always venting on my own blog...I don't comment a lot on other peoples. Firstly, I don't want to sound trite. There are other reasons, but I don't like to pretend to give advice to people who's ins and outs I really don't know. To me, that reeks with the stench of ingenuiness.
Lara and I have been reading each others blogs for a little while now however. She has commented on several of mine, words that have lent to my understanding of her and her situation. When I read her blog yesterday I wanted to respond, but it was late, and I was already looking at 4 1/2 hours of sleep before I had to get up for work. I didn't want it to be rushed, so I decided to wait till today.
Also last night, I got an email from Kenny, which he sent out to everyone, letting us know that he was going to have a phone interview today with a coal company based out of: Gilette, Wyoming. I emailed him back to ponder the freakish chances that might send him to the one horse town of my former roommate's family.

This morning I got a message from Kenny, asking me for information on my friend. When I got home from work I called Anita. We hadn't spoken in three years. Erin is currently somewhere in Australia. She was very glad to hear from me, and said that they had often talked about me and wondered what I was up to. I told her that I had often wondered about her and her bergamot candles. :p
After covering the topic of my call, which was Kenny, and his finding a place to stay during his summer job (he did get it!) in Gilette, we proceeded to talk for TWO HOURS!!! We had this really long conversation about God, emotions, circumstances, and a variety of similarities in our lives that led me back to Lara.

The thing is, we are all different, but some of us are similar to each other. We all feel things, but some people bear the burden of feeling things a little too deeply. Other people have their own similarities. I commiserated over my own similarities with Anita, and wondered if Lara's might not be the same. I am not whining, or complaining. I would not choose to be anyone other than myself, despite how hard I feel it is to be me. (;P) Okay, well, there are definitely days that I would rather be some kind of heroic business woman who is totally organized and not waylaid by emotion, but generally..... =)
I am used to this skin, and would rather keep it than trade it for the great unknown.
One thing is very important however;
run in's with the tribe of Joseph.

Did I snag any Anne of Green Gables fans just then? In a couple of her books L.M. Montgomery uses the phrase to mean, essentially, "kindred spirits." "They are of the tribe of Joseph," she would say.
Once in awhile you need to find somebody, who just gets it. Not someone who tries to comfort you, or someone who is super kind to you, or someone who will be there to distract you, but someone who is with you; Who can be there, right in the pain without cringing and turning away. It's hard to listen to people talk about their pain sometimes. It is harder to sit there, and let them be in it. We have a natural tendency to want to "fix," and also to avoid discomfort. Unfortunately, pain too must run it's course. How amazing it is, to sit there and hurt, and not be alone in your pain. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes a heck of a lot to me.
That's what I was thinking last night when I read Lara's blog. That, you know, I didn't have any wise words of comfort. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't make it go away faster. I wasn't going to attempt to distract her. I was going to let her be in pain. Still read her blog, still sit there and feel the words that she is saying, and not have to go somewhere else. Just be there with her, in it. In spirit anyway, since we live far apart and are connected only by this bloggy blog world.

Anita reminded me of this. She encouraged me that I am not alone in the way I feel. She said; there are other people like us. Some people might not get it, but some people out there, some people get it. That makes me feel....better somehow. Connected. Like there is a purpose...a greater plan if you will.

All of this to say, that God is in the details. Anita informed me that a big snow storm is going on in Wyoming, and that if not for that, I would never have caught her at home. So he caused me to meet and love Erin, and in turn her mother, so that four years down the road, Kenny would have a connection, and possibly a place to stay, and new friends, by my making a phone call that would remind me I am not the only one who feels the way I do, cause me to make a connection myself, and give me something even better to share with Lara.
Kenny says that very random and coincidental things seem to happen in my life, and I agree. It reminds me that God is up there, hasn't forgotten about me, and sometimes does extraordinary things, just so that we can have an encouraging message.
If all of my lives circumstances, brought me to that phone call...what other things must be lurking just around the corner? What greater purposes must there be??

Yay for God being big! And Yay for Lara, and me, and Anita, and whoever else can relate to being in pain a little too often.

Blog Interviewy Madness

Lara participated in a blog interview...apparently it is going around from one blogger to another, and I am more than happy to participate, especially since I admire the interviewer. I agreed to let her ask me five questions.
**Once upon a time I remembered how to do cool things like link people in the actual body of my blog, but I grew lazy for awhile and stopped caring, and now I really forget. haha. But hey, Lara's blog is handily linked on the side, and if you go there, you can read tons of Lara-ey goodness.**

1. Why did you start blogging?
And the answer is....I'm nooot exactly sure. ha! I have been an avid journaler, letter writer, writing junkie since high school. I have multitudes of hand written journals, but over the years they have evolved into something best described as prayer diaries. They contain not only my prayers, but random, lame, running commentary to the high and mighty. A few years ago at the behest of Joe(see also bloggy linking goodness on my sidebar), and Steffi, who I knew from a message board, I started up with diary-x, and was there part of a nice little community for a few years, and when that began to taper down, I followed Joe again into the world of BLOG. I guess I just have to write random personal information or I will go insane. It oozes out uncontrollable.
(**side note: I am horrible about backing up my online 'journals' and therefore lost four years worth of writing when diary-x crashed. I am still crying.**

2. What was your best birthday ever?
I thought long and hard about this. It's tough, because I had some fabulous overnighters as a teenager. I have also had some great times as an adult. I am probably even forgetting some, but hmm.. I have decided that I am going to have to go with my 25th birthday. It was somewhat low key. The family I lived with at the time had a barbecue for me, and several close friends and family members were there...a hard group to get together for some reason. It was a rough year, as this was five months after we lost my sister, which maybe made it more awesome to have those dear folks all in one place. Chill, casual goodness.

3. If you died today, what would you most wish you had done before dying?
If I were going home to meet Jesus, a lot of things that are now quite important suddenly wouldn't be. The first thing that came into my mind still sticks. It isn't something I would 'do' per se, but rather something I would witness. If I knew I were going to die, the one thing at the forefront of my thoughts, that I would pray like crazy to see before I went, would be to see my friend Jason get saved, and, well, come into an awesome relationship with God, and be relatively happy. Genuinely.
I am sure there are other things I would want to see and do, but that is the big one that sticks out right now. It might sound lame to some of you, but it is very NOT lame to me.

4. Do you hate anyone now living? If so, what makes you hate that person?
Honestly, no. I have a hard time envisioning myself ever hating anyone. Hate is a very strong word. People irritate me all the time, make me mad, make me want to take their cell phone and smash it into a thousand tiny pieces in the drive-thru, for all to see (yes, that's for you today's drive-thru, ignorey, please-get-my-order-right-even-though-I-can't-be-bothered-to-listen-to-you-read-it-back, lady!)
No, seriously though, people can be awful, but I am not them, and I feel like I have at least a small amount of grace and mercy for everyone. I hope I never lose that. There are people I am still working out forgiving for different things, and I don't particulary want to talk to some of them, but that is not the same as Hate. I try to never be unkind, even if I have my own issues.

5. What would be the greatest gift someone could give you?
*sigh*
I really want to say unconditional love. Totally unconditional love, can you imagine it? Frankly, I cannot, but then, I think there are a lot of people who love me more than I can recognize already, so unfortunately I am going to have to go with the shallow answer and say; Lots and lots of money. :p
Okay, actually it doesn't have to exactly be money. Provision/Stability is what I am going for. I have too many emotional issues that are just compounded by stressing over the rent or whatever else. I wish that I could be able to do everything so awesomely, but unfortunately I suck, and someone who could make me feel....essentially I guess "taken care of" would do more than they could know.
Of course, I would feel guilty accepting any kind of charity, so this would pretty much have to be a spouse. lol.
Oh my gosh, how pathetic does that answer make me?!?! I know, I know, I am trapped somewhere back in time...but there it is. I suck at being alone.

The End.

So there you have it, my interview by Lara. If anyone else out there has not participated in the great bloggy interview goodness, and is feeling so inclined, give me a holler and I will be more than happy to write my five questions for you.
=)

There Are Days...

So often my post titles have to do with whatever song I am listening to at that moment....maybe that says something about my lack of creativity, I don't know.
I was trying to take a break from the slow mellowness of Shawn McDonald, so I put in a Rascal Flatts cd, only slightly more upbeat. haha. I am just not in the mood for anything more cheerful.

I am having a bad day. Maybe not bad on the scale of badness from two years ago, but pretty damn bad. Fucked up even. Which reminds me, there will probably be a lot more swearing in this post, so if that offends you, you should just tune out now.

I really, really, don't like myself sometimes. I am going to be 31 years old...very, very soon. I am just like a big dumb kid who has to learn the same lessons over and over.
For example, if I had....ANY savings, brought on by some sort of financial responsibility, or ability to look into the future and not see a fairy tale, then I could have some back up for paying my rent, or breaking my lease. I can't afford to break my lease....but in the long run, I don't know if I am going to be able to pay my rent. Well, I mean, I could give up eating altogether. lol. I 've thought about it. haha.
I am just a big, stupid girl who is wretched at taking care of herself, and you would seriously think I would have realized by now that noooone else is going to do it!!
Rawr!
Actually, I could be in a much worse mood. I am actually pissed that I feel at all well. I mean, it is just going to go on and on, with me waking up every morning feeling sick. That sinking feeling in your stomache you know?
I actually looked a little for a second job, although that makes me nervous, but what can you do?
I have worked two jobs lots of times in the past, I have just gotten more and more prone over the years to getting overwhelmed and going through some sort of emotional meltdown. I try to pace myself.

Add to all this being homesick. Okay, maybe not exactly for Spokane, which I still detest in so many ways. Maybe just for certain people, or certain places. Cute cousins, and grandparents who won't be with us forever.

I think I might be broken. I have wondered about this for a long time. I mean, I look around me at all these fabulous woman, and they are totally doing it. You know, they are nice, and they work, and they are motivated, and they are paying for lots more stuff than me....and I just don't know how they do it, and I hate that about me. I hate it.
They aren't even christians half the time! Isnt't that supposed to make it easier for me somehow...you know, God's grace for getting by and all that stuff?
I want to be strong, and do everything for myself.
I mean, you know, if one is going to be alone it would be somewhat helpful to be able to do things. heh.
I think I might never get married.
Who wants this broken piece of baggage?!?! I certainly don't expect anyone else to want to deal with my issues.

One time my really good friend James said to me; Amanda, I think that once you find someone that you really care about, a bunch of this stuff that ails you will just fall away.
You know what I want to say to James right now?!?!
"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!"
So there.
That was like...psh. seven years ago? I dunno. Something.
Forgive me for being bitter. I usually hold in even my desire for relationships, as it makes me feel so much less pathetic. However, secretly I have been wanting to get married...Oh....SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER! :p haha.

The other night I went out with some girls from work, and on our way home one of them was saying to me how they had had a conversation about me, and decided that I just needed to "put myself out there!" lol. Well, isn't that a nice and reasonable thought. How does one do that exactly?
I used to meet tons of great single guys through church...I even kind of liked one or two. Of course, I always like the ones who don't give a snit for me. Oh well.
When you are younger you just know more people...from school or whatever, and you probably get out more...ya know? So it was never hard to meet people, and I am miss social butterfly, so that made it even easier.
I never anticipated this being an issue.
Plus, I am just not on the prowl. I hate that. I just don't want to be out there looking around for Mr. Right. I would rather crash into him unexpectedly, however lame that might sound. Anyway....life has certainly not turned out the way I thought.
It has been one dissappointment after another to be honest, and I am sick of that crap.
*sigh*
Whaddya gonna do? :p
Stoopid life! (yes, I know stupid is spelled wrong, but it amuses me to spell it that way, and besides, it's the way I am saying it at the moment; stoooooopid.)

*sigh*
I miss worship. I can't ask for any Sundays off though. Everyone at my job can't work on Sundays. Leeetle baaastards.

So, I am just going to sit here in my relatively unfurnished apartment, and pout to myself. Not that pouting accomplishes anything, but no matter what I do it is going to be something hard. Everything in my life is always hard. There is no easy way. There are only hard ways. So, I am going to pout. :p take that!

I really don't have anything deep or intelligent to say today. This is my life. Things affect me too much. I am always getting waylaid by something. My heart is always getting broken (usually over lame things that shouldn't be heartbreak worthy). It kinda bites.
That's pretty much all I have to share.

Soundtrack of My Life...

Yes Lara, I am posting this just for you. By the way, I can't believe you have all those songs I love in your collection...especially the Bette Midler one. Oh, I love it!
Okay, so some of these are lame, but here you go.
You know the drill...plug in your ipod, mp3 player or whatever and hit shuffle....no cheating. Whatever song comes up first is #1 and so on and so forth.

Soundtrack of my life....

1. Opening Credits:
'It Takes A Little Time'- Amy Grant
(Hmm...off to an interesting start)

2. Waking Up:
'Buffy the Vampire Slayer[theme]' - Nerf Herder
(This made me laugh out loud...can't you just imagine your radio alarm going off with that song playing?! hahaha)

3. First Day of School:
'There's No Other Way' - Blur
"You're taking the fun out of everything, making me run when I don't want to think"
(Seems like it could be appropriate)

4. Falling in Love:
'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'....
(Uhh.....err.....)

5. Fight Song:
'Breakaway' - Kelly Clarkson
(Sure, ok.)

6.Breaking Up:
'Speechless' - Steven Curtis Chapman
"I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed..."
(If we stick with just those lyrics we are good, lol, or else, this one makes no sense....unless breaking up is some kind of divine and wonderful experience for me. lol!)

7. Prom:
'Ballad for Dead Friends' - Dashboard Prophets
"I really wish I could have saved you, but then who would have saved me from myself?"
(Ahhh....teen angst at its finest!)

8. Life:
'She Will Be Loved' - Maroon 5
"look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile..."
(Yeah. Enough said I think)

9. Making Babies:
'Playing With Fire' - Emery
"Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes?"
(Aww! sad! lol! Nooooo!)

10. Mental Breakdown:
'Going Through the Motions' - Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Once More With Feeling
"Every single night the same arrangment, I go out and fight the fight.. still I always feel this same estrangement, nothing here is real, nothing here is right..."
(hehehehehehe)

11. Driving:
'Dixie Chicken' - Garth Brooks
(Sure, why not.)

12. Flashback:
'The Woman In Me' - Shania Twain
(Believe it or not, it is a flashback song in real life. heh. A friend made me listen to this cd in the car once, over and over. It always reminds me of them.)

13. Getting Back Together:
'What I Really Want to Say' - Steven Curtis Chapman
"What I really want to say; is what the sun would say to the sky, for giving it a place to come alive...."
(Seriously, I did not plan this on purpose. In fact, I think it should be against the rules to use the same artist twice in one silly soundtrack of one's life.)

14. Wedding:
'Brave' - Nichole Nordemon
(Should I be worried here? I need to be brave to marry whoever I am marrying? That doesn't worry me. No, not at all.)

15. Birth of a Child:
'Something's Broken' - Tim McGraw
(You know, that's really not even amusing)

16. Final Battle:
'Reunion' - The Indigo Girls
"I have no need for anger with intimate strangers and, I've got nothing to hide.."
(Soo...if this is a battle, shouldn't I be angry or something? hmm.)

17. Death Scene:
'If I Stand' - Rich Mullins
"if I stand let me stand on the promise, that You will pull me through...and if I can let me fall on the grace, that first brought me to You..."
(I love this song. I guess if I am dead there is no standing...but it is still an okay death scene song for me. Nice way to go out. :p)

18. Funeral Song:
'Bullet The Blue Sky' - U2
"In the howling wind, comes a stinging rain.. see it driving nails into souls on the tree of pain"
(Depressing...and somehow strangely appropriate...not only because it's depressing, but because, after all, it is U2, my favorite band in the whole wide world.)

19. End Credits:
'Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again' - Phantom of the Opera/Movie Soundtrack
(Again, I swear I didn't do it on purpose...but does a nice musical number like this really fit in with the rest of my soundtrack? lol. I don't really think so, but anyway, there you go.)

So there is it, the very silly soundtrack of my life. Not nearly as amusing as I thought it would be.
And now, rather than write more, I must take me sleepy self to bed. I haven't been feeling all that stellar the last couple of days. The muscle relaxers are apparently starting to disagree with my stomache or something.
God bless you one and all.
Goodnight.

Sometimes CSI makes me shiver!

I was getting ready to make a little note about how I just saw the most BLATANT plug for Duracell batteries on CSI New York....did anyone else see that? I swear, they kept the camera on the batteries for like...five whole seconds! You couldn't miss it...totally over the top!
So I was unpleasantly surprised at having to notice said advertisement, when suddenly the corpses mouth started to move and I found myself pleading; "Please don't let that be a cockroach." Oh yeah...it so was. A blood covered cockroach emerges from dead guy's mouth. Oh my disgusting.
I already hate the little buggers without them coming out of dead guys mouths on tv. Ohhh yucky. Blech!
Very exciting entry I know. You are all excited to hear about cockroaches. Apparently it was a jewel encrusted bug, and other people wear them as broaches. That is just too horrid for me to think about.
I am going to try to block it out now.
*****blocking*****

Moving right along...
Today was my day off, so I just lounged around and did nothing...it makes for very exciting blog commentary.
I still haven't finalized any decisions. Everytime I think about it I want to hurl. So..today I decided to try and not think about it. It wasn't such an effective plan, but I at least made an effort. :p
I watched the Age of Innocence, because, frankly, I think Daniel Day-Lewis is a fine piece of man meat, and I hadn't seen it in so long I barely remembered it. That seemed like a good reason. Of course, it ended up not being enough reason, because it is sort of sad and pathetic. It made me think; Awwww! Can years go by and then people still love each other? Even though they haven't thought about each other except in passing? Okay...well, I really don't need to go there.
It's allllll about the letting go of the past. Allllll about letting go.
*breath in* *breath out* *breath in* breath out*
:p
Well, it's nearly 11 and this girl has to get up for work at 3:30 in the morning. So....caio for now.
=)

Corpus Christi

So.
I might be moving...
Yes, to Texas.

It's not for sure yet. I'm going to be talking to a couple of people in the next few days, and hopefully get it figured out.
This is one of those decisions I was talking about before.
I talked to my mom today, just to give her a heads up that it was a possibility. I don't know what I expected. She was surprisingly great though.
I was surprisingly sad.
Texas is a long long way from home. No random trips to Spokane.
If I go there, it will be a long time before I make it home again...and yes, I consider the holidays to be a long time. :p

I don't really want to go into too many details, since I don't know for sure. What matters it that in the next few days, I have to make a decision about leaving lovely, rainy, western Washington. On the bright side, I would be living with my best friend, also a big fan of lovely, rainy, western Washington, and we'll both get back someday. hehe.

I managed to eek through an eight hour work day today. Woo! Victory! Muscle relaxers are your friend. Well, they are my friend anyway. I was so tired when I got home though...I crashed into a blissful two hour nap. I feel like my whole day was wasted, but at least I managed to make some money.
Now I am in a weird mood though...probably just because of everything.
Stress is oozing in at the edges of my psychae.

I suppose that's all I have to say today.

I Met Jesus in a Bar

It's the name of a country song, in case you are feeling baffled.
One of the things I love about country music, is that you can talk about Jesus as much as you want, and nobody labels you as a "christian" artist. In country music, you are all just country music, it isn't split up into all these little sub categories to judge one another by.

So, I would have posted sooner, but I was having some problems with my internet connection, and my computer, which didn't want to recognize the connection or some such nonsense. I will not bother you with an explanation.

I had actually written this really long post when it initially went out, and for some reason I couldn't paste my entry into a word document or anything....I was pissed. In any case, a lot of what I am feeling is just a rehash of things I have mentioned before. I've been thinking a lot about old friends, and the ways I used to judge them, and how very long it took me to learn my lesson.
Have you ever seen that t-shirt that says; "You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl" ?? I love that shirt. haha! I used to crack jokes about it, although secretly, it is my shirt. lol.
I miss the things we did when I was a kid. The girls I grew up near, their parents were friends with mine, and we did everything together. Both sets of us had grandparents on one side who lived out in the country. We would go horsebackriding, and play outside. We went to rodeo's in these tiny Washington towns. We lived on the edge of town. We walked down to the creek and jumped in on summer days.
I am so country. haha!
It took me awhile to figure that out.

I like cities too, but it's not the same. There's nowhere to drive to clear my head. Unfortunately, people are what really make a place, and when people leave, it's just not the same. I want my friends near me, and I selfishly want to go through them all, and take out the ones I want the most, and place them all in locations very near to mine.

I know that my thoughts probably seem all cluttered and all over the place at the moment, and if what I write is hard to understand, I apologize. There are certain things I am not completely sure I want to be honest about in a blog, and there are decisions I need to make, and so much going on in my heart....Ugh. I am relatively at peace for all of this, but soon I am going to start freaking out!!
Since my blog has been consumed with the more emotional aspects of my life lately, I have neglected to talk about my physical state of being.
My back is a mess.
In fact, I can no longer work an eight hour day. I had to give up several hours this week because I am in constant pain. When I am at home, sitting, resting, it's much much better, and enables me to sit here and write and think about other things. When I am at work, and on my feet for hours, it is all consuming. I have to work really hard not only to tolerate the pain, but also to be nice....to everyone. :p
I got a referral to a physical therapist that is a lumbar specialist, but looking at my insurance, and how often I am going to have to go...I am worried about making all the bills. Also, I don't know how long it's going to take him to get me out of pain, and in the meantime, I am working less hours to pay more bills. I also have a prescription for muscle relaxers, which I don't take at home, just at work when I have to have them, but they work for a very limited period of time, and I don't want to ask my doctor for a stronger one. I need to be able to work, not sleep through it! ha!
Taking on a roommate would solve all of my money problems, but there are complications to that as well. So, I am not sure what I am going to do. I have to decide soon, but I really don't want to. I really want my friend from home to show up on my doorstep and say; Hey! Here I am to live with you and pay half your rent! Wee! ..wouldn't that be nice?
Unfortunately it looks doubtful. Said friend probably needs a month to decide what she is going to do, and I don't have even close to that long.

In essence, I could use the prayers of any of you that do that. ;)

The living, working, hurting, situation does actually distract my brain from the emotional issues for small periods of time, so that is at least a blessing in disguise. heh.
I would like to find my decision suddenly made for me, in some great and beneficial way. Doubt that that is going to happen though! haha!

Okay, so back to the title of this blog, and country music.
I was wandering around the house talking on my phone last night, to my friend Shawn, and saying to her how nice it is to talk to people who not only know you, but knew you when. You know, people who you grew up around, and who know things about you that you have grown up trying to forget??? haha!!!
I have totally left most of these people behind, and now I find that really really sad. This has been a year, a season, of rediscovery for me. I might have big issues right now, but in some ways I am better adjusted than I have been in a long time. It's weird huh? :p
So this guy is singing about how he met Jesus in a bar, and I guess you can't fall too far, and I wonder how people ever got the idea that Jesus wouldn't be in a bar anyway? I mean, he sought out those kind of people, drowning their sorrows. He had something especially for them.
It makes me think of some people I know.
So last night I was online, and listening to this Todd Agnew song called 'Grace Like Rain,' and I was just singing outloud, and feeling really uplifted, and right then I would have loved a great worship service. I was thinking about how I feel when I am in the middle of a great worship service. I was thinking about how my friend could probably really use that right now, and that I wish he could experience that feeling, just for a moment, so that he could get some peace, and some rest.
It might not last forever, but it certainly helps. Knowing that I can experience that once in awhile, makes life a lot more livable.
So my friend online laughed and said; Why don't you email him the feeling?!
haha! I wish it were that simple. Wouldn't that be nice?!!
=P
So anyway....there is another little selection from the life and times of Amanda. Thanks for joining us, gentle reader. =)

Please, Kick Me.

I am one of them! I have crossed over! I am a lame well wisher!!!
GRRRRR!!!! I hate it when I am really hurting, or talking about my pain, and somebody who thinks they are my friend, decides to randomly relate to me, and try to encourage me. Okay, okay, you bloggers can be excluded ok. I mean, here we are, a nameless, faceless, society. You know, if you say something that I don't like, I can weigh it, and decide if the heart is in the right place, and then put it on the shelf ya know?? I might give a little "grrr" but I will get over it. Essentially this is what we do here right? We all kind of bitch about life, and then feel free to make comments about each others bitching?
I guess that when its people I know, or used to know, I just feel like my space is being invaded. Isn't that weird? I know, it so is.
It's just that...you people online...yeah, we might become friends, like Joe and Sandy and me for example...and you might have a real avenue to speak into my life, or you might grow on me, like Lara and Jill, but you aren't here. Judging me, trying to make me feel better. Wanting me to put on a happy face, so that you don't have to deal with my pain. That makes me crazy!
Okay, okay, not everyone wants that. Some people are very genuine, I just hate lame antecdotes.
So, tonight I emailed my friend, and I didn't give them any lame antecdotes. I just told them that I know about pain, the kind that rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding, and I like people who can just let me be there, and not try to fix it, and not expect me to say anything deep in return.
It sounds fine right? Something I would appreciate! The problem is, I haven't spoken to this person in years. So...is it going to be something they are going to appreciate?! I am now starting to be afraid not, and feeling like a lame commenter, trying to make my friend feel better, when I can't.
I hate that. If I was there...maybe I could just sit with my friend, and let them hurt, but still be there, or maybe I could help them out somehow, you know, by doing something practical for them when they wanted to lay on the floor in a heap...but I am not there. I am far far away....and maybe they wouldn't want me there anyway!!!! So I just pray, and hurt, and cry over my friend. I guess that is the best thing I can do after all, but I don't always like it.

So there you have it, my confession.

Deep Breaths

Okay, so I'm feeling a little better now.
I mean, aside from listening to sappy old country music, that I cannot seem to pull myself away from. haha.
I mean, I am not feeling entirely better....no, no. Just a little.
Today I have talked to some friends, and it has been really nice. A good day over all. In fact, earlier today I thought...Wow, I really feel so much better, but that has slowly faded away.
I can feel the prayers and the tears, just biding their time.

On the upside, I have been singing more this week than in a long time...for a variety of reasons I think. It feels nice though, and it is a way to let some emotion out.
I keep thinking that maybe I am just pmsing and that I will snap out of it any minute. ha! I think that is wishful thinking. Anyway, it keeps not happening!! Dammit!!!! :p You know, just when I finally want to blame my emotions on my hormones, they aren't acting up. lol! Figures!

I was looking for this journal of mine...grrr. I left some in my hope chest, which is at my mom's house in Spokane. I grabbed the most recent few. There are six or seven of them. Well, the one from 05 is missing. Apparently I left that one, and that happens to be the one I want, so I am really annoyed. I guess you would have to be me to understand this strange phenomenon.:p
Oh well I guess.

I do need to take a trip home soon. See a couple of friends, and my baby neice, whom I have not yet gotten to hold. I am the oldest of 12 grandchildren on my mom's side, and all of a sudden everyone started having babies!! My cousin Zack and his wife, had a little girl last year. She turned one in November, and at Christmas they announced that they were pregnant again. In the past year, my cousin Sarah, her brother Jacob's girlfriend, and my brother's girlfriend Kayla, have all had babies. Sarah had twins.
I am starting to feel old. lol.

Too many things are happening at once! :p That little cave is still looking good. hehe.

I want to write, and I want not to write. I honestly just don't even know what to say half the time. I don't know what my problem is. I mean, okay, lol, I know what *some* of my problems are! haha. I just don't know what my main problem is in this particular instance, and the theories I have are ones that I really do not like or want to face.
Obviously I am going to have to come to terms with that at some point though.

I could deal with the praying and the crying at night, if I could be a very happy and well adjusted girl during the day.
Rawr. Some *days* are better than others. So, I am going to cross my fingers for tomorrow's shift.
Unfortunately, I may have to find a church. I really, really don't want to, but I am bored, and must make friends. Not saying that because I am in a friend I will neccesarily make friends, but let's face it, I have too much time on my hands. Do I want to get involved in church culture again? No. am I ready to deal with that? Probably not.
I mean, I will love the worship portion, and things will be fine until people start telling me how to live my life. Ha! As if I am not one of the most hard core people I have ever known....or at least, hadn't spent most of the past decade of my life being...
And then I might have an episode where I tell some nice, well-meaning church person to kiss my ass, or at least to take a flying leap of some kind..:p
Ugh.

*sigh* Anyway....I need to set my clock forward, and get ready for bed, so that I can give the prayers an tears a sufficient amount of time to run their course before I deprive myself of too much sleep.
Thank you, Oh great blogging community, for listening to my Woes.

Take this heart....and just rip it right out of me

Okay, so here I am with my ongoing drama.

Actually, I am fine. Really. In my lovely, large apartment, all by myself, with food in my cupboards, I really have nothing to complain about.
So...why is it that ever since I have been home from Charlotte, I have been the living dead? I have been dragging myself through each and every work day. This was before my friends tracked me down and gave me more to be upset about.

Why is this happening? I have been doing pretty well here in Federal Way. The only thing I can think of, is that I am just lonely. In Charlotte I was with Shawn all the time. When I lived with Lance and Jeni, even though I was pretty solitary, I at least saw them from time to time. I guess it was more essential human contact than I realized.
I am really ok. I am going to get up, and go to work, and it is going to be fine. Just like any other day. I have come to realize, however, that my job is my life. So when I have a bad day at work...there is noone pleasant to come home to. My friends here are almost entirely co-workers. At least, the people I ever hang out with are coworkers. Which, isn't neccesarily bad, but I can never separate myself from work.

I have just been trying to distract myself this week. Stay busy, but it's been hard. Everyone else is so busy, noone is answering their phones. Today I took a nap, and went grocery shopping, and chatted with the girl scouts...good times. it wasn't a bad day, except for the gaping hole in my heart, which is at once explainable, and at the same time a complete and utter mystery to me.

Life...is long and difficult, and frankly, I really dislike it sometimes. :p I am sure that most of you can relate.
Right now I really want to dig myself a little hole, and hide in there, away from the whole world, and not have to deal with the way I am feeling, and not have to deal with hurting friends whom I cannot help.
Tonight I was praying, and remembering other prayer times, where there were a lot of tears. I wish that I felt the same spiritual connection, but alas, I do not entirely.
Again, I am praying for someone, for whom prayer used to always bring tears, and at times, I wish that I could not be praying for them, and that it was not my job. Selfish, I know. You don't only pray for the people who make you all happy happy joy joy inside. That's far too easy. No, real intercession is when you pray for the people who break your heart into tiny little bite size pieces. oh yeah. So thrilling to be me.

There is nowhere I can run, and nowhere I can hide from this, and I have to tell you, every crazy spontaneous idea I have ever had is crashing into my brain right now, looking for a way out....but it's inside of me, and you can't run from that.
I am having a seriously animated conversation with God in my head, if you want to know the truth. I told my friend that I wanted to just run out into the rain, and scream up at the sky; HERE IT IS!!!!! TAKE IT!!! JUST RIP IT RIGHT OUT!!! IT'S YOURS ANYWAY!!!! My heart that is. Alas, it stays put, and just keeps beating out it's agonizing rythm.

I decided that the things I thought were laid down a long time ago, maybe were not completely, and to face going there again...not pleasant in any way. In fact, I don't know that I have it in me to do it again at all.

Vent

It's that time again. Time for venting.

I want to vent about something that I am not sure I can find words for. I just feel frustration.
Yesterday I reconnected with some old friends.
They updated me on another friend, who I wrote about in December. His name is Jason.
I am tired of hearing that life is beating up my friends. I know it happens to all of us in some seasons, but lately.....rawr.
It makes me sad. It makes me feel despair. It makes me lack hope. Especially, you know, this is someone who I used to pray and pray for. Cry and cry over, and I just want them to be happy, and it grieves me to find out that they are not.

So anyway, moving on into todays conversations....it was a rehashing of old things between my friend and I. The relationship in its twisted form. Okay, maybe twisted is the wrong word. It was a good friendship. We were young, and probably too young to make it anything more serious, despite feelings on both sides. I was pretty open with my feelings towards him, but he hid his feeling for me for a long time.
Despite that, we had a great friendship. There were other issues though. Alcohol, and various other things.
They moved, I stayed.
I'm not sorry. I had gotten involved with my church, and was where I knew I needed to be. Because I went the direction I did, I have been overseas and had the opportunity to do a lot of things I might not otherwise have done.
Even so...
I have never had that kind of relationship ever again.
A couple friendships have come close, have been good, but without that romantic connection that makes someone "more" than your friend, you know?

I am 30. I was 18.
I imagined it happening long before now. The fact that it hasn't is alright....but what aggrevates me, is that we had something good, and it didn't have a chance. Years later I am thinking....What the hell?? I can't help being a little upset for myself.
Although I am upset for myself however, I am more upset for my friend, who deserves to have some happiness in life, and has worked hard at making his life better!!!! I want to pray and believe, like I used to believe, that God is going to change things, and make them better, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. I don't know what is going to happen for my friend. Grrrr.

I want to cry and yell at God, and do all those things I used to do that made me feel much better in the morning....!

That's all I can say right now.

Hello World!!

Yes, yes, I am back from my brief excursion. My vacation was wonderful...good company being the highlight, with an exceptional bottle of wine thrown in here and there...fabulous food, and my pint of cider at the Irish pub. hehe.
Asheville was nice, we had dinner with another friend of mine who lives there, and toured the Builtmore House....oldest privately owned home estate in the country (right Jill?!). It was fabulous.

So, now I am home, and tired. My flight got in around 9:30 on Monday, then began the waiting at baggage claim, and after everything I finally got home around 11:00p.m. I had to wake up at 3:30 am to go to work. Joy. My body was already screaming; "It's two in the morning!" when I went to sleep, since it has been enjoying east coast time for a week, and the whole day was so long I was just exhausted. So then Tuesday, after a really long Monday and four hours of sleep, I was a delirious idiot, who luckily got to go home early and nap. =)
After said nap, I began packing. Since I still have a lot of things at my mom's house in Spokane, there isn't too much luckily. Last night I slept for about six hours, and this morning I had to open again, so it has been a really long day. Raelynn and I hauled a bunch of stuff over to my new apartment, I signed the lease and whatnot, and then we went shopping for a few last minute items.
It is 8:15 and I am completely exhausted.
I feel like an old woman. :p

My apartment is great though. Plenty of space for little ole me. It's so weird to go there and think..."I have this place all to myself!" :p
I am not sleeping there tonight, and tomorrow is still up in the air, but I am getting things organized and will be settled soon I hope.
My friends have been so helpful, and generous...I don't know what I would do without them. Raelynn is like Mighty Mouse, or the Energizor Bunny! She ran up and down the stairs today with boxes, thank God, because I hadn't lifted much when my back began to give me a seriously hard time. Grrrr!!!! I wish for a happily straight spine.

I am going to seriously have to go to bed soon. Since American Idol (rawr!) has messed up my regularly scheduled programming, I thought I would watch a movie, but to be honest, I am not sure that I could keep my eyes open!!!!
I thought I would write more than this, but frankly, ya'll are lucky to get anything with my current brain dead state of being.

Hope everyone out there is doing well!!!



Currently reading; The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse/David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen

All Over the Place

First, let me just say that I am feeling the pressure from Jill and Lara, who update much more frequently than I do, to actually blog today. How do you people run across my blog anyway??
In any case....
I am feeling a bit stressed out about the move and everything that goes along with it. I have some great friends here who have been helping me out tremendously, so hopefully when I get back from Charlotte, and start tossing things in boxes, that feeling of support will carry me through the stress.

On...Thursday? Yeah, Thursday. My memory failed me for a minute there. On Thursday I talked to Starbucks HR to find out how to go about working for the company overseas...specifically in the UK. Of course, whoever I talked to couldn't help me, and instead gave me the number for the Resource Manager in my area, who in fact, has not called me back yet. Grrr.
Wouldn't that be a great experience? Working overseas for six months or something? Plus, bonus, much closer to Amsterdam. =)

Work is going...rather well actually. One of my ASM's think I am a rock star, my manager loves me, and all of these make it incredibly easy to serve them in whatever way possible. Although our store has its issues, I love our partners, and I really want to see things flow more smoothly. I am trying to devise ways of making that happen. I don't want to get transferred though, as long as I am in the states, and inevitably, with a promotion, comes a transfer. So, I am crossing my fingers that if things work out for me to go overseas, I can at least stay at my store until that time. After that, well, we shall see. I never thought I wanted to go into management, but I have a lot more confidence in that regard than I used to, and it really does help when you see the areas that you could make positive changes, if only it was up to you. Time will tell, but it is definitely a more distinct possibility than it was before.

I make friends with the most random people. I don't know what attracts me to them. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and because of this, I like to think that I have some sort of a knack for searching out deceny in humanity. haha. When I was 19-ish, I had a couple of bad experiences, which I did not want to repeat, and I think I learned a lot from that, about who to trust, and who to keep on the back burner for awhile...let those friendships simmer....sometimes they thicken into quality. =)
Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have the same luck with men, at least as far as, men to be in relationships with. I have amazing guy friends (you know who you are), and mostly always have, but I end up falling for the wrong ones. Okay, by wrong I don't mean alcoholics, or drug dealers, or baddy bay boys, just guys that are wrong for me, and are bound to break my heart. *sigh* I can't decide if I just have bad luck, or if subconciously I am picking the wrong guys over and over so that I don't have to committ.
I have a really hard time believing that is the case, since I really want to get married and all that, but so many years of bad choices has put a tiny little question in my mind.

I won't go into my latest crush, although if I did I am sure a couple of people might be somewhat scandalized. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me either, and I wonder if it is just evidence of my being desperate (God I hope not!), even though I don't necessarily feel like I am. *shrug* At least I like nice guys. They might be wrong for me, but at least they aren't the malicious type to use and abuse me. They never break my heart on purpose. It's just a byproduct of not being loved the way I want. Blah blah blah.
What causes us to be attracted to certain people anyway?? Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.
Anyway, I have a treasure trove of friends that make life wonderful, and so incredibly worth living. =)

Speaking of, I am leaving early Weds. morning to fly to North Carolina. I'll be there with my friends for six days, and we'll be visiting another friend in Asheville. I think that is close to Jill?? *waves to Jill* So, everyone, I do not know if I will be updating again in the next week. Two days after I get home, I am moving into a new apartment. I am not entirely sure what is going to happen with my internet as of yet. I desperately need to buy a new laptop, but just cannot do that at the moment. So, I am letting you know that my posts might be fewer and further between. I hope that this is not the case, but it might have to be. So, if I am in and out a little bit less, don't forget about me!!! I'm still out here!!!! =)


Currently Reading: A Long Way Gone/Ishmael Beah

Grrrr at Valentine's Day!

Okay, Okay, I don't like it. I confess.
First of all, I really don't enjoy pink all that much. Pale pink is nice on little girls, and flowers, and that is about all the good things I can say about pink.

Normally, I don't consider myself a bitter single person, and I tell myself that it's more about the things that usually go *wrong* on Valentine's Day, and less about the fact that I am a big outsider in all the gushy love stuff.
Okay, YES, if you must know, things that have gone wrong on past Valentines have had to do with relationships, or crush's or whatever, but that was a long time ago! Other obnoxious things have also happened on this day to aggrevate me.
I know that today is the 15th, and not the 14th, but I blame yesterday for starting the downward spiral. I was sooo frustrated, because I had these books shipped to my friend, from Amazon.com, and realised that I had forgotten to include the Apt. #. Duh. So, I tried changing it, but it was too late, and since then I have also talked to UPS, who told me to call back tomorrow. Grr. Thus began my frustration.
Today I went to check the balance on my cell phone. Some time ago I asked my sister if she wouldn't please help me out with the phone bill for the next couple of months, as I am moving on the 28th, and can't really afford to pay it at the moment. Not only has she not paid anything yet, but I also got the next one, showing me that I had totally gone over on my minutes, thereby making my next bill over 300$. Normally, I would be frustrated but I would just pay it. Right now, I am more than frustrated, as I cannot possibly pay for it at the moment, and can only hope to get it all paid by the skin of my teeth before the end of March.
*sigh*
This is along with buying groceries, to stock an empty kitchen, and all the things that go with moving into a new apartment. I am no longer excited about it.

So back to Valentine's Day... This friend of mine at work got a dozen, lovely, pale pink roses from her boyfriend. I have to admit, that when they got there, all I could think was..."Ugh," as I felt this sinking feeling in my stomache.
Our ASM started to make obnoxious comments about V-Day, at which time I informed her that; "As the token single person here today, I reserve the right to make the bitter Valentines comments, alright?"

Today, I am just glad that it's over. No more pink spilling over everything, no more tiny candy hearts, no more gushy love stuff peeking out at me from every corner. No more reminders that in 30 years, despite my charm (:p), noone has liked me enough to take me out on Valentine's Day. (Not that I would go, since I am now against the day on principle. lol!)

Welcome to my life. =)

I console myself with the fact that despite being completely broke, having no idea how I will get my things over here from Spokane, and knowing that things are going to be incredibly tight for the next six months, probably not allowing me to save for the trip overseas that I desperately want to take, I am going to Charlotte next week to see my beloved Shawn, and certainly that ought to make up for some dissapointment. =)

So there you have it, my bitchy post for this post-Valentine's Day.


Currently Reading: Throne of Jade/Naomi Novik

~Amsterdam~

It's less like a place to me, and more like a person who has my heart. It keeps pulling on it saying; Come back to me!

It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.

Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.

Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.

The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.

My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.

Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.


Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan

Friends! People! I Like Ya!

Okay, most of the time. haha!

Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!

So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)

Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!

My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?

I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)

Survey Says...

Jill, who's blog I read off and on, posted this, and I decided that I would repost it here. Fair is fair, after all. I have only done this once here on my blog I think, back when I first started it, although I am addicted to these stupid things on myspace. Ugh.
So here you go....

Getting to Know Me:

1.)What color are your kitchen plates?
Black. Just plain old black. Although, I am about to buy some crazy, festive, yellow dishes...to spice things up a bit.

2.) What book are you reading now?
I am still reading 'His Majesty's Dragon' by Naomi Novik. To be honest, I have been busy and distracted, and it's just been one of those weeks where I don't feel like reading that much.

3.)What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have one

4.)Favorite board game?
I don't know if it is "technically" a board game, but along the same vein....Apples to Apples (currently anyway).

5.)Least favorite smells?
Some flowery perfumes really make me nauseous. Otherwise, Jill mentioned vomit, and I don't think much can beat that....although there were some very odd smells in India at times...

6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning?
Oh Holy Lord!! I am so freaking tired right now...I can't do it...I can't do it!

7.)Favorite Color?
Crimson...the color of dark Poinsettia leaves at Christmastime. Blood red.

8.)Least favorite color?
Pink. pleh!

9.)How many rings until you answer the phone?
It depends on who it says is calling, and whether or not I am debating even answering. Usually about two though, unless I am trying to find my phone.

10.)Future child's name?
I don't know if I can really answer that, since obviously I will have a husband who probably also has an opinion, but for a boy, James is at the top of my list, and for a girl, Ruth Louise...my favorite Aunt's name is Ruth, and it is also the middle name of a dear friend and someone I look up to tremendously. Louise I just have always loved, and I love the nickname Lou.

11.)Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate

12.)Do you like to drive fast?
Yes, unless it's like...dark and rainy.

13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope

14.)Do you like thunderstorms?
Very much...unless they knock the power out for four days when it is 30 degrees, and lower outside!

15.)What color are your eyes?
Hazel...in fact, two of my siblings are hazel eyed too, but one's are more brown, where mine are more green.

16.)Sign?
Gemini

17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Why is this question on every survey? It is lame..hehe. Usually, I eat the stems of broccoli, yes.

18.)If you could have any job, what would it be?
To be honest, I am not sure. As long as it allowed me to write and travel though, it would be good. Writing for tv would be fun...I don't know if I have the talent though...but then, this is a hypothetical question right? Assuming I was good enough to do whatever I wanted as well? Then heck, I would be Pink...or Amy Lee. haha

19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
Mine is fine actually, maybe a little more red. I am starting to grey though. My hair is so thick that it is not super noticeable at the moment, but there is A LOT of grey in there already, it's just spread throughout really well. In the next five years, it will be a lot more obviously salt and peppery. My mom is 50 and has been grey for a long time. I might have ten years left, so I am trying to enjoy the hair color God gave me while I can. haha. Besides, I earned these grey hairs damnit!!!

20.)Is the glass half full or half empty?
It totally depends on my mood that day, or whether I am trying to reassure myself...or someone else. lol. More faith for other people!

21.)What is your favorite movie?
This week? I hate this question. There are way too many, and I can never even remember the best ones when I am asked. I love dramas, and particularly movies that make you think. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' is a fave. I have a lot. I love movies.

22.)Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Mostly, yes.

23.)What's under your bed?
Currently, only shoes and slippers

24.)What is your favorite number?
Don't have one.

25.)Favorite sports to watch?
There is a sport besides football???!

26.)Your single biggest intense pain?
When my sister died...and I don't mean just emotionally. Her accident was on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday. It was three days of this up and down, not eating, not sleeping, hoping and then despairing, having your heart ripped out and bleeding all over the place. I felt it in every bone of my body.

27.)Person most likely to respond?
If I sent this, maybe Nicki. She's a good sport. =)

28.)Person least likely " "?
Not sure....Joe!

29.)Ketchup or Mustard?
Mustard...dijon perferrably.

30.)Hamburgers or hotdog?
Depends. If I am camping...hotdogs. I make then nice and black. If I am in California...burgers from In and Out Burger, and in Texas, Whataburger. Both fabulous.

31.)What is your favorite season?
Football. hehe. (Fall)

32.)The best place you have ever been?
Amsterdam...something about that place just seeped inside of me...and no, I don't mean the marijuana smoke, lol! In fact, I was just reading a travel article about it, and my heart physically ached to return. Hopefully someday soon.

33.)Favorite fast food?
Aside from the aforementioned burger joints, located only hundreds of miles away from me? Probably...Taco Bell.

34.)What kind of car do you drive?
A Plymouth Neon...but I really really want a red Jeep Wrangler. hehe.

35.)Married or Single?
So very single.

So there you have it. Another silly survey. Feel free to post your own if you feel so inclined. =)

Searching for Meaning...

So yesterday I had an apartment to move into. We were going to sign a year lease. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about signing a year lease, though I can't tell you why. In any case, today I do not have that apartment to move into. I won't go into the details, but I am back to square one. I do have another potential roommate, but I can't move in until April 1st, and ideally, I should be moving the 1st of March. My housemates are awesome, but would really like their house back to themselves, and who can blame them?
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.

Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.

Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.

What to Say

I'm feeling a bit...disappointed.
Things have actually been going pretty well lately, and certain concerns I have had about living situations and whatnot are getting taken care of. So, ya know, I should be feeling pretty good. On the contrary, I've been feeling a little anxious, and I have had a hard time sleeping this last week. The past couple of days I have just kept myself so busy, so that I didn't have enough time to stop and think about things that I didn't need to think about. If that seems vague, it's intentional.
So on to the disappointment...
I have been pretty lucky in my life as far as friendships are concerned. I know so many amazing people. I have done a decent amount of traveling, always meeting new faces, always forming new connections. Moving here was the same. New friends, new things.
People slip in and out of your life, and this is the way of things. You are happy that you have the chance to know them when you do. Friendships enrich the soul. Long term ones and short term ones. Let's face it, we are all different; We have different hopes and dreams, and pursue different ends. We have to enjoy the times we have, and let each other move on.
Sometimes I just don't want to let people go though.
Some people I just want to hang onto. I guess that's normal.
In this case, it isn't only my wanting to hold onto someone, but also just feeling like...I haven't gotten to know them as well as I would have liked, and now that might not happen. Which, of course, is something that I need to accept and I have known that all long.
*sigh*
I also have my own ends to pursue. I didn't move here to work at Starbucks forever. Yeah, I like my job. I actually do. Even so, eventually I need to take some writing classes and look into some other things...not because I know what I want to do with my life, but because there are a lot of things I *could* do. Something creative would be nice. There are just a lot of options and I am certainly not ready to be matronly; Just get comfy and settle in and never go anywhere again or whatever.
So...we come, we go. We make friends and we lose touch with friends. Life evolves. It's supposed to. Change is good.

So why does my heart feel like this?



**Currently reading: His Majesty's Dragon/Naomi Novik

Babies

First of all, for anyone reading this that does not know. I am an Aunt this week. Okay, yes, its' true that I have been an Aunt before...I have a nephew who is six. Even so, this is my first niece, and every baby is a blessing.
I can't say that there are not circumstances surrounding the baby and it's caretaking that I am not worried and upset about, but right now let's just look at the miracle that she is, and be glad at least, for that. Her name is Hailey Anne and she was born on Friday. 5lbs, 10 ounces. Very adorable.

I also found out today that one of my dearest most wonderfulest (yes, I know that's not a word) friends, is having TWINS!! It is soooo exciting!!!! They just had the ultra sound this morning.
Many people close to me have twins. It's like....I spread it around or something. haha. My cousin Sarah has twins. My very close friends James and Lisa have twins. My good friend Angela has twins, and now Karla is having twins. It's a bit uncanny to be honest...it really really is.

I am 30 and single, so there is no fear of me having my own twins any time soon!! haha. Plus, after everyone else has all the twins, I will most likely not. :p
I have been so excited after talking to Karla today, and seeing the ultrasound pictures...I was calling and emailing everyone who might not have gotten her initial email.
Now I am feeling kind of tired, and other things are creeping into my mind.

For example, how I am worried about my little sister, and nobody seems to care what's going on with her, since it is overshadowed by babies, and the trouble my brother gets into. I am far away, and I don't know what to do, or what I can do.
It's been a great last couple of days, and now these things are creeping up on me, and I just feel like weeping.
*sigh*
I think I need to go have a nap now. Sometimes that helps me be calm when I start getting overwhelmed.

I am going to start doing this when I post;
*currently reading: A Knight of the Word/Terry Brooks

New Friends and Stuff

I seem to have a couple of new commenters of late. Hello new commenters! (Is that even a word?) Anyway, interesting to me that someone besides those who liked me already would want to read all of my passionate tossings of words. hehe.
This isn't just about the appearance of new people at my blog though.
I have new friends in *real life* too. :p
Actually, I have started to hang out more with a couple of coworkers...it's not that I usually am at a loss for making friends...but, ya know, I am not as in a hurry as I used to be. I want to genuinely be able to communicate with the people I hang around with. :p

It's been fairly interesting lately.

You know, there is this one person I am friends with...and I am almost loathe to say this, because who really knows who is reading my blog, and I wouldn't want anyone to take it the wrong way...even so, I want to vent.

The other day I was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep, and thinking about a conversation I was having with a friend, and at the same time, kind of arguing with God, when I realized with shocking clarity: "Criminy! You are using me in this persons life, aren't You?!?! Despite how much I suck or whatever is going on with me, through no choice of my own, You are still doing it aren't You?!?! You are ALWAYS doing it!!!!" RAWR!
Okay, not like I can actually, legitimately be mad about something like that. In fact, at another time, perhaps I would be glad to know that He uses us despite ourselves, but I confess, that I was really thinking of what I was getting out of the friendship. Not that I didn't care about the other person. Of course I do! A lot! It's just that...I guess I was feeling....drat. I don't know how to explain.
There was sort of this level playing field. This person and I became friends, and certainly christianity affected it, but didn't dictate it. I wasn't their intercessor, they weren't the person that gave me sage wisdom, we were just friends. Then, all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, I realized that God was speaking to them, through me. You know, which does not neccesarily mean that its not still a level playing field..but once that inner me realizes that there is something lacking there for them, that unconcious intercessor starts stretching her legs.
Of course I pray for my friends....or at least....in theory...I mean, I always have, just not quite as much at the moment.
And, you know, my friends pray for me as well, just the same. That's level. But it's just....different. Of course, this person may be way more mature than I know yet, and maybe secretly they are saying a prayer for me. I hope so. I don't want to be the big sister right now. That is not what I was hoping for in this situation. *sigh*
Call me selfish. Maybe I am.
I just wanted to meet this someone eye to eye. If its not doable, it just isn't, and I will deal with that when I know it for sure. I am still holding out for hope though.

There is this point I hit before...in the midst of a lot of things...where I really resented the whole "straight and narrow." I don't mean, living a good and prudent life either, because I have always mostly done that, before I ever got involved in church or leadership. What I mean is, this whole higher expectation.
I think I wanted to know what it was like to sink back to a normal level of personhood, where I could be friends with whoever I wanted, and hang out with them wherever I wanted. You know, while we were having drinks, while they were smoking pot...whatever my conscience dictated was alright for that person at that time. No restraints placed on me by my tightrope of leadership.
I don't want that kind of attention anymore. I just want to be another one of the huddled masses. Making a difference in some way...sure, but I don't care if hardly anyone sees that. It's just the individuals that matter to me now. I don't want to be any big thing. I don't need any pedestals to fall off of. I want to have friends to walk with, who also struggle, and we struggle through it together, but we are all the same, and none are better than the others. We are all playing in the mud.
So I guess...I just wanted to peek out from the mud, and see this other person muddy next to me, rather than finding myself clean, sitting on the side of the playpen, looking in at them and seeing their filth, and finding that feeling in myself slowly grow, that I am somehow different than they are, and maybe somehow better.

That's all for now.

Nighttime and Words

This is how I know that I am a night person...Nighttime is when I do most of my writing. Nighttime is when my brain kicks into overdrive, and random thoughts start spewing out all over the place.
Of course, I can write in the daytime too, and I used to go every morning to get coffee and sit and write awhile. I like to do that too....but there is something that happens at night that I cannot explain. With that said, here I am again.

A very long time again, when I was in 10th? maybe 11th grade, I remember being very upset over something, I can't now remember what. In any case, I was in my room, and I was crying, and that's what I remember. I also remember that I chose that moment to say something, which was maybe partially a request as well, to God. I wasn't much of a praying person back then. I was kind of coming into the whole thing on my own though. Just starting to get there. So as I was crying, my sentiment was something like this; Whatever it's like in the future, however much it hurts or whatnot, I always want to be able to feel it....because I would rather have it hurt....I would rather weep like this, than feel nothing. After awhile of feeling nothing, I think you grow even more numb, and I never want to be numb.
Naive huh?
Sometimes now, I am numb, and I do want to be. Mostly because, being a person who feels a lot of raw emotion takes its toll over time.
I havn't been to church in awhile, and the last church I went to was Mars Hill. Now, Mars Hill is a fantastic church, but they don't have a traditional worship service.
One thing I really love about a more traditional worship service is that you might get a lot of repetetive, but you don't have to learn new words every week, and the music is usually fairly easy to follow. This is nice if you want to just be able to sing, and worship, and not worry about the details.
So anyway, I have been meaning to visit this church in town, and I just asked my friend if she would go with me. We're going to go this weekend I think.
Saturday of course, no, I am not missing the playoff game. (haha)

Last week, before I asked my friend, I was just imagining that this was going to end up being one of those worship services where, for whatever reason, I felt particularly touched, and spent the ENTIRE time sobbing my eyeballs out. I am RIPE for this sort of occurance, and it is one that I do not want to have my first night in a new church. Call me crazy, but I don't want to field those sorts of questions, and it might sound crazy, but that sort of encouragement.
Frankly, it is just sometimes annoying when people you have never met before want to give you comfort, as if they have any idea what's going on with you. I just need a good release, okay pal?!?!?!

I know I've mentioned in the past that I am looking for some kind of consistency in my life, as far as, the kind of person I am in public, in private, wherever. Integrating everything that I believe in into one me. Rather than having church Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and Starbucks Amanda, who is acceptable to those folks, and so on and so forth. Somebody who speaks a language that is relevent all the time, not just in the bubble that church can be. I am done being that person. I don't understand Christianity to be that way. It's not supposed to be!
I cannot reconcile myself to that anymore.

So right now I am dealing with things on my own...I've been afraid to go back to a church, fearing that I will be sucked back into that culture. Maybe I will just go here and there, I don't know. The thing is, God really can move in churches in crazy ways, and having the encouragement of worshipping with all those other believers can be amazing. Church isn't all bad, it's just that there must be more balance.
So...yeah.
I feel somewhat torn. I know in some ways I could use it, and in others....yeah.

I find myself in this place with God where...we really aren't communicating so much. Well, I am sure that He is communicating all the time!! haha! It's ME that has the problem!!! :p
There are these things in the back of my head, and things that I am struggling with sorting out, and I know that I really can't do it on my own, but I sort of hope He will just miraculously intervene without my having to ask, or rather, that at least He just will keep my together so that I don't have an emotional breakdown! :p
The thing is, if I ask Him, and He does nothing (or I percieve He does nothing), then I get letdown. I can deal with the situation, better than I can deal with the dissapointment, so I don't ask.
I don't pray about relationships, a spouse, or any of that mumbo jumbo, because of essentially the same thing. I can deal with being single and not having too many friends where I am, that is usually totally fine, only sometimes hard. Admitting that I want it though, and talking about it to Him, and being completely open about what's deep down inside, brings all of that to the top, for my occassionally shaky emotions to deal with. Then I just feel raw for awhile. I get over it, I mean, until the next time I have to deal with it, but it's still horrible.
I feel like I am just walking around with this gaping wound in my heart. This is my life. I get somebody that I think I need to pray for...and they start doing all this lame ass crap, and the more I pray for them, the more of a heart I have for them, until I have heartache over every stupid ass thing they do!! Is this fair?!?!?! In order to pray so honestly, does it require a constant broken heart on my end?!?! This is how I have begun to feel over time. This is why I have sort of taken a break from praying for people....as horrible as that may sound.

I used to deal with it a lot better. I mean, I understood that place so well, and the ups made it all worth it. Over time and dissapointment though, I have started to feel very selfish, and very tired. Perhaps I will snap out of it. Who knows. I would like to say that I can be an intercessor, regardless of what it costs me, but in order for that to happen, I am going to have to come back to a place of seeing the greater good. Essentially, of having what we like to call in the church, an"eternal perspective." Knowing that you are storing your treasure in heaven, or whatnot, and that its really not about here at all. Knowing that there is some reward for your efforts. I don't mean, reward as in; My mansion is bigger in shinier than yours!! That is a bunch of B.S.! Like we earn it or something...we don't. I mean, more like an eternal reward in people, and in being with all of them in a better place.
Maybe it sounds lame to some people.
Anyway, I used to have that perspective, and I have lost it. It rolled away under the bed or something I guess. :p
Once in awhile I think...Okay Lord! We are going to have it out tonight...but to me that means that I am going to cry, and talk to Him about all of this stuff that he already knows I am feeling, and nothing is going to change, except for tomorrow I am going to feel better for awhile. So, a week or so from now, I am going to be dissapointed again, because I need real answers to some of my questions, like, last week.
And why go through that? Why not just leave everything in the background, and focus on the important things like...Oh, finding a place to live, that is incredibly cheap!
*sigh*
Oh to be 22 again. When I believed and that was alll I needed. I miss that place.

LOL!
I talked to an old friend the other day, and he asked me; Hey!? Done any more of your crazy 40 day fasts lately?! And I was like..Umm...no. And he said; I tell everyone about that! My crazy friend who fasted for 40 days!
And I can't even believe that that girl and I are the same. If I could meet her face to face, I wouldn't know what to say.
That was ten years ago right now. Ten years ago right now, I hadn't eaten anything in nine days. Isn't life weird? The way it twists and turns?

But hey, after all, this is me being real. So at least there is that.

All That Grown Up Stuff

I confess that I sometimes have my doubts about my competence as an adult.
What people do these days, all you have to do, is everything on your own. All you have to do is be, and have a decent job that pays all the bills, and squeak by somehow. Lord, how do single parents do it? I can barely take care of myself, let alone having the responsibility of caring for a child.
Ack!
Once in awhile, I get emotionally overwhelmed. I mean, I deal with it. I can deal. I know what I need to do when that happens, and I get by...but so far I've had roomates, and other people helping me out. So when I got emotionally overwhelmed, I felf like I could take a day off....even though I usually never do. Now, its like...not even an option, and knowing that kind of stresses me out.
Knowing that its all on me....and with my track record....a little scary. Of course, I think it is also good for me, but in the back of my mind I have this fear that I will just get so overwhelmed one day that I will break down completely.
Grrrr! I am so not the girl I always thought I was!!!!!!
I hate that!!! :p

Anyway...that's all I have to share today.