Stir Crazy

I do love the snow, and I am glad that I get to go into work an hour late tomorrow...yay! However, I am a little bored. I am all motivated for job hunting and whatnot, but everyone has closed up shop. I need to find something active to do in the meantime, while it is still snowy and icy and yicky outside. *sigh* *twiddle*

I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!

Oh! The Weather Outside is Frightful!!!!

SNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.

Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)

So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.

I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!

I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)

Viewing 6,087

I'm watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). I'm not actually sure how many times I have seen it to be honest, I just know that it's a lot.
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)

I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)

Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)

Just One of Those Days

As usual I got up at the bright and early crack of dawn. Actually, I confess, I usually use the terminology "butt crack" of dawn, because 3:30 in the morning not even the morning people have gotten up yet!!!
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.

Writer's Assistant

I know that this is the third entry I have posted.....wait. I was going to say "today" but since it's 1a.m. it is technically "tomorrow", or Thursday at any rate. =)
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.

So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...

Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.

Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)

So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.

There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!

The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.

Bones

I LOVE this show!!!!
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!

This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)

It's just a bunch of Huey! (As Jimmy Stewart would say)

Yes, I do love me some Jimmy Stewart. =)

So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.

-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.

-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.

I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.

I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.

My failed optimism

There's a lot of things I would like to leave out of this blog entry...
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.

I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.

You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.

I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.

God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.