Yes, yes, I am back from my brief excursion. My vacation was wonderful...good company being the highlight, with an exceptional bottle of wine thrown in here and there...fabulous food, and my pint of cider at the Irish pub. hehe.
Asheville was nice, we had dinner with another friend of mine who lives there, and toured the Builtmore House....oldest privately owned home estate in the country (right Jill?!). It was fabulous.
So, now I am home, and tired. My flight got in around 9:30 on Monday, then began the waiting at baggage claim, and after everything I finally got home around 11:00p.m. I had to wake up at 3:30 am to go to work. Joy. My body was already screaming; "It's two in the morning!" when I went to sleep, since it has been enjoying east coast time for a week, and the whole day was so long I was just exhausted. So then Tuesday, after a really long Monday and four hours of sleep, I was a delirious idiot, who luckily got to go home early and nap. =)
After said nap, I began packing. Since I still have a lot of things at my mom's house in Spokane, there isn't too much luckily. Last night I slept for about six hours, and this morning I had to open again, so it has been a really long day. Raelynn and I hauled a bunch of stuff over to my new apartment, I signed the lease and whatnot, and then we went shopping for a few last minute items.
It is 8:15 and I am completely exhausted.
I feel like an old woman. :p
My apartment is great though. Plenty of space for little ole me. It's so weird to go there and think..."I have this place all to myself!" :p
I am not sleeping there tonight, and tomorrow is still up in the air, but I am getting things organized and will be settled soon I hope.
My friends have been so helpful, and generous...I don't know what I would do without them. Raelynn is like Mighty Mouse, or the Energizor Bunny! She ran up and down the stairs today with boxes, thank God, because I hadn't lifted much when my back began to give me a seriously hard time. Grrrr!!!! I wish for a happily straight spine.
I am going to seriously have to go to bed soon. Since American Idol (rawr!) has messed up my regularly scheduled programming, I thought I would watch a movie, but to be honest, I am not sure that I could keep my eyes open!!!!
I thought I would write more than this, but frankly, ya'll are lucky to get anything with my current brain dead state of being.
Hope everyone out there is doing well!!!
Currently reading; The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse/David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
All Over the Place
First, let me just say that I am feeling the pressure from Jill and Lara, who update much more frequently than I do, to actually blog today. How do you people run across my blog anyway??
In any case....
I am feeling a bit stressed out about the move and everything that goes along with it. I have some great friends here who have been helping me out tremendously, so hopefully when I get back from Charlotte, and start tossing things in boxes, that feeling of support will carry me through the stress.
On...Thursday? Yeah, Thursday. My memory failed me for a minute there. On Thursday I talked to Starbucks HR to find out how to go about working for the company overseas...specifically in the UK. Of course, whoever I talked to couldn't help me, and instead gave me the number for the Resource Manager in my area, who in fact, has not called me back yet. Grrr.
Wouldn't that be a great experience? Working overseas for six months or something? Plus, bonus, much closer to Amsterdam. =)
Work is going...rather well actually. One of my ASM's think I am a rock star, my manager loves me, and all of these make it incredibly easy to serve them in whatever way possible. Although our store has its issues, I love our partners, and I really want to see things flow more smoothly. I am trying to devise ways of making that happen. I don't want to get transferred though, as long as I am in the states, and inevitably, with a promotion, comes a transfer. So, I am crossing my fingers that if things work out for me to go overseas, I can at least stay at my store until that time. After that, well, we shall see. I never thought I wanted to go into management, but I have a lot more confidence in that regard than I used to, and it really does help when you see the areas that you could make positive changes, if only it was up to you. Time will tell, but it is definitely a more distinct possibility than it was before.
I make friends with the most random people. I don't know what attracts me to them. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and because of this, I like to think that I have some sort of a knack for searching out deceny in humanity. haha. When I was 19-ish, I had a couple of bad experiences, which I did not want to repeat, and I think I learned a lot from that, about who to trust, and who to keep on the back burner for awhile...let those friendships simmer....sometimes they thicken into quality. =)
Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have the same luck with men, at least as far as, men to be in relationships with. I have amazing guy friends (you know who you are), and mostly always have, but I end up falling for the wrong ones. Okay, by wrong I don't mean alcoholics, or drug dealers, or baddy bay boys, just guys that are wrong for me, and are bound to break my heart. *sigh* I can't decide if I just have bad luck, or if subconciously I am picking the wrong guys over and over so that I don't have to committ.
I have a really hard time believing that is the case, since I really want to get married and all that, but so many years of bad choices has put a tiny little question in my mind.
I won't go into my latest crush, although if I did I am sure a couple of people might be somewhat scandalized. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me either, and I wonder if it is just evidence of my being desperate (God I hope not!), even though I don't necessarily feel like I am. *shrug* At least I like nice guys. They might be wrong for me, but at least they aren't the malicious type to use and abuse me. They never break my heart on purpose. It's just a byproduct of not being loved the way I want. Blah blah blah.
What causes us to be attracted to certain people anyway?? Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.
Anyway, I have a treasure trove of friends that make life wonderful, and so incredibly worth living. =)
Speaking of, I am leaving early Weds. morning to fly to North Carolina. I'll be there with my friends for six days, and we'll be visiting another friend in Asheville. I think that is close to Jill?? *waves to Jill* So, everyone, I do not know if I will be updating again in the next week. Two days after I get home, I am moving into a new apartment. I am not entirely sure what is going to happen with my internet as of yet. I desperately need to buy a new laptop, but just cannot do that at the moment. So, I am letting you know that my posts might be fewer and further between. I hope that this is not the case, but it might have to be. So, if I am in and out a little bit less, don't forget about me!!! I'm still out here!!!! =)
Currently Reading: A Long Way Gone/Ishmael Beah
In any case....
I am feeling a bit stressed out about the move and everything that goes along with it. I have some great friends here who have been helping me out tremendously, so hopefully when I get back from Charlotte, and start tossing things in boxes, that feeling of support will carry me through the stress.
On...Thursday? Yeah, Thursday. My memory failed me for a minute there. On Thursday I talked to Starbucks HR to find out how to go about working for the company overseas...specifically in the UK. Of course, whoever I talked to couldn't help me, and instead gave me the number for the Resource Manager in my area, who in fact, has not called me back yet. Grrr.
Wouldn't that be a great experience? Working overseas for six months or something? Plus, bonus, much closer to Amsterdam. =)
Work is going...rather well actually. One of my ASM's think I am a rock star, my manager loves me, and all of these make it incredibly easy to serve them in whatever way possible. Although our store has its issues, I love our partners, and I really want to see things flow more smoothly. I am trying to devise ways of making that happen. I don't want to get transferred though, as long as I am in the states, and inevitably, with a promotion, comes a transfer. So, I am crossing my fingers that if things work out for me to go overseas, I can at least stay at my store until that time. After that, well, we shall see. I never thought I wanted to go into management, but I have a lot more confidence in that regard than I used to, and it really does help when you see the areas that you could make positive changes, if only it was up to you. Time will tell, but it is definitely a more distinct possibility than it was before.
I make friends with the most random people. I don't know what attracts me to them. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and because of this, I like to think that I have some sort of a knack for searching out deceny in humanity. haha. When I was 19-ish, I had a couple of bad experiences, which I did not want to repeat, and I think I learned a lot from that, about who to trust, and who to keep on the back burner for awhile...let those friendships simmer....sometimes they thicken into quality. =)
Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have the same luck with men, at least as far as, men to be in relationships with. I have amazing guy friends (you know who you are), and mostly always have, but I end up falling for the wrong ones. Okay, by wrong I don't mean alcoholics, or drug dealers, or baddy bay boys, just guys that are wrong for me, and are bound to break my heart. *sigh* I can't decide if I just have bad luck, or if subconciously I am picking the wrong guys over and over so that I don't have to committ.
I have a really hard time believing that is the case, since I really want to get married and all that, but so many years of bad choices has put a tiny little question in my mind.
I won't go into my latest crush, although if I did I am sure a couple of people might be somewhat scandalized. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me either, and I wonder if it is just evidence of my being desperate (God I hope not!), even though I don't necessarily feel like I am. *shrug* At least I like nice guys. They might be wrong for me, but at least they aren't the malicious type to use and abuse me. They never break my heart on purpose. It's just a byproduct of not being loved the way I want. Blah blah blah.
What causes us to be attracted to certain people anyway?? Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense.
Anyway, I have a treasure trove of friends that make life wonderful, and so incredibly worth living. =)
Speaking of, I am leaving early Weds. morning to fly to North Carolina. I'll be there with my friends for six days, and we'll be visiting another friend in Asheville. I think that is close to Jill?? *waves to Jill* So, everyone, I do not know if I will be updating again in the next week. Two days after I get home, I am moving into a new apartment. I am not entirely sure what is going to happen with my internet as of yet. I desperately need to buy a new laptop, but just cannot do that at the moment. So, I am letting you know that my posts might be fewer and further between. I hope that this is not the case, but it might have to be. So, if I am in and out a little bit less, don't forget about me!!! I'm still out here!!!! =)
Currently Reading: A Long Way Gone/Ishmael Beah
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Grrrr at Valentine's Day!
Okay, Okay, I don't like it. I confess.
First of all, I really don't enjoy pink all that much. Pale pink is nice on little girls, and flowers, and that is about all the good things I can say about pink.
Normally, I don't consider myself a bitter single person, and I tell myself that it's more about the things that usually go *wrong* on Valentine's Day, and less about the fact that I am a big outsider in all the gushy love stuff.
Okay, YES, if you must know, things that have gone wrong on past Valentines have had to do with relationships, or crush's or whatever, but that was a long time ago! Other obnoxious things have also happened on this day to aggrevate me.
I know that today is the 15th, and not the 14th, but I blame yesterday for starting the downward spiral. I was sooo frustrated, because I had these books shipped to my friend, from Amazon.com, and realised that I had forgotten to include the Apt. #. Duh. So, I tried changing it, but it was too late, and since then I have also talked to UPS, who told me to call back tomorrow. Grr. Thus began my frustration.
Today I went to check the balance on my cell phone. Some time ago I asked my sister if she wouldn't please help me out with the phone bill for the next couple of months, as I am moving on the 28th, and can't really afford to pay it at the moment. Not only has she not paid anything yet, but I also got the next one, showing me that I had totally gone over on my minutes, thereby making my next bill over 300$. Normally, I would be frustrated but I would just pay it. Right now, I am more than frustrated, as I cannot possibly pay for it at the moment, and can only hope to get it all paid by the skin of my teeth before the end of March.
*sigh*
This is along with buying groceries, to stock an empty kitchen, and all the things that go with moving into a new apartment. I am no longer excited about it.
So back to Valentine's Day... This friend of mine at work got a dozen, lovely, pale pink roses from her boyfriend. I have to admit, that when they got there, all I could think was..."Ugh," as I felt this sinking feeling in my stomache.
Our ASM started to make obnoxious comments about V-Day, at which time I informed her that; "As the token single person here today, I reserve the right to make the bitter Valentines comments, alright?"
Today, I am just glad that it's over. No more pink spilling over everything, no more tiny candy hearts, no more gushy love stuff peeking out at me from every corner. No more reminders that in 30 years, despite my charm (:p), noone has liked me enough to take me out on Valentine's Day. (Not that I would go, since I am now against the day on principle. lol!)
Welcome to my life. =)
I console myself with the fact that despite being completely broke, having no idea how I will get my things over here from Spokane, and knowing that things are going to be incredibly tight for the next six months, probably not allowing me to save for the trip overseas that I desperately want to take, I am going to Charlotte next week to see my beloved Shawn, and certainly that ought to make up for some dissapointment. =)
So there you have it, my bitchy post for this post-Valentine's Day.
Currently Reading: Throne of Jade/Naomi Novik
First of all, I really don't enjoy pink all that much. Pale pink is nice on little girls, and flowers, and that is about all the good things I can say about pink.
Normally, I don't consider myself a bitter single person, and I tell myself that it's more about the things that usually go *wrong* on Valentine's Day, and less about the fact that I am a big outsider in all the gushy love stuff.
Okay, YES, if you must know, things that have gone wrong on past Valentines have had to do with relationships, or crush's or whatever, but that was a long time ago! Other obnoxious things have also happened on this day to aggrevate me.
I know that today is the 15th, and not the 14th, but I blame yesterday for starting the downward spiral. I was sooo frustrated, because I had these books shipped to my friend, from Amazon.com, and realised that I had forgotten to include the Apt. #. Duh. So, I tried changing it, but it was too late, and since then I have also talked to UPS, who told me to call back tomorrow. Grr. Thus began my frustration.
Today I went to check the balance on my cell phone. Some time ago I asked my sister if she wouldn't please help me out with the phone bill for the next couple of months, as I am moving on the 28th, and can't really afford to pay it at the moment. Not only has she not paid anything yet, but I also got the next one, showing me that I had totally gone over on my minutes, thereby making my next bill over 300$. Normally, I would be frustrated but I would just pay it. Right now, I am more than frustrated, as I cannot possibly pay for it at the moment, and can only hope to get it all paid by the skin of my teeth before the end of March.
*sigh*
This is along with buying groceries, to stock an empty kitchen, and all the things that go with moving into a new apartment. I am no longer excited about it.
So back to Valentine's Day... This friend of mine at work got a dozen, lovely, pale pink roses from her boyfriend. I have to admit, that when they got there, all I could think was..."Ugh," as I felt this sinking feeling in my stomache.
Our ASM started to make obnoxious comments about V-Day, at which time I informed her that; "As the token single person here today, I reserve the right to make the bitter Valentines comments, alright?"
Today, I am just glad that it's over. No more pink spilling over everything, no more tiny candy hearts, no more gushy love stuff peeking out at me from every corner. No more reminders that in 30 years, despite my charm (:p), noone has liked me enough to take me out on Valentine's Day. (Not that I would go, since I am now against the day on principle. lol!)
Welcome to my life. =)
I console myself with the fact that despite being completely broke, having no idea how I will get my things over here from Spokane, and knowing that things are going to be incredibly tight for the next six months, probably not allowing me to save for the trip overseas that I desperately want to take, I am going to Charlotte next week to see my beloved Shawn, and certainly that ought to make up for some dissapointment. =)
So there you have it, my bitchy post for this post-Valentine's Day.
Currently Reading: Throne of Jade/Naomi Novik
Monday, February 12, 2007
~Amsterdam~
It's less like a place to me, and more like a person who has my heart. It keeps pulling on it saying; Come back to me!
It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.
Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.
Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.
The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.
My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.
Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.
Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan
It's been eight years since I was there. Almost everyone I knew while I was there has moved on. In the beginning, though I wanted to go back, it was hard to imagine the place without the people...but that has faded with time. Over the years, I have always dreamed about Amsterdam. Once every three months or so, comfy in my bed in Washington, I would be there again. Vividly there. I would see places, and people, as real as waking. I would feel all the feelings, deeply.
Over time, the dreams have gotten further between. In fact, the last couple of years...there have only been four, maybe five I think.
Lately though, I just can't explain it. I have always wanted to go back, thought that someday I needed to go back. Now it's like...I have to go back. A week or two ago, I was reading this travel article about Amsterdam. I think I might actually have mentioned this already in a previous blog. As I was reading, my heart just started aching.
Last night I had two dreams.
In the first dream, I was in the Netherlands with some group of people, there was one main girl, but noone I know in real life. So anyway, we were going to walk into the city, but we had to stop somewhere first. We were walking down this cobblestone, european looking street, and every once in awhile I would just let out this little sob of emotion, and kind of stop and catch myself for a moment. I wanted to run to Dam Square. I couldn't hold it back anymore...but in my dream, we never made it there.
In my second dream...Caleb was in that one.
We were working, but it looked more like someone's kitchen with a drive-thru window attached, than a real Starbucks. Anyway, we were cleaning...closing up I think. I told him; I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow! I was just going to go and buy the ticket, right then. At the last minute though, I realized that there was something I had forgotten and I couldn't go. I was pretty disappointed.
The first dream...its not the only one like it I have had in the last few months.
My friend Jan asked me today; Is it the place, or is it the feelings that you miss? Which, was a fair question, but I can't even remember the feelings anymore. It's been eight years. I mean, I suppose it's possible. Obviously something aside from stone connects me to that place. Obviously some impression was made upon me.
Whatever it is, I can see those places in my mind. I can remember the streets I walked down...
I remember, that when the plane landed in Amsterdam, and my foot touched the ground, I knew, more than I have ever known at any other time in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Before I had met anybody, or done anything. When we were leaving India, I was saying; "I want to go home!" but I meant, home to Amsterdam, not home to America. lol! At that point, I would have been happy to land anywhere in the western world. haha. Even so, I remember how I wanted canals, and rain, and everything else that went with that city.
I have never felt this way about a place. Frankly, it's weird.
Lately I feel, like if I don't find a way back soon, my heart will burst. I must go back. Unfortunately, I just signed a six month lease for an apartment I can barely afford, and international trips seem a little unlikely.
Even so...I can pray for a miracle. =)
I just felt the need to blog this. It keeps coming up. I have to just not think about it. As long as I can not think about it, I really am fine. It's just when it comes up, for whatever reason.
Next week, when I got to Shawn and Steve's in NC, who, by the way, I met in Amsterdam, and they stayed there long after I was gone, that will be the toughest thing so far. Reminiscing. Being back there, in my mind, not just by myself, but with Shawn. There are going to be tears, I can almost guarantee it.
Currently reading; The Worst Hard Time/Tim Egan
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friends! People! I Like Ya!
Okay, most of the time. haha!
Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!
So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)
Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!
My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?
I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)
Don't you hate it when all these thoughts are rolling around in your head, and they just can't seem to come out in any semblance of order?! lol! GRRRR!!!!! Happens to me and my scattered brain allll the freaking time!
So today I am going to try and focus on the foremost topic I've been thinking about; Friends! People!
Thursay night I went and hung out with a couple of co-workers. Well, sort of co-workers. One has actually since left the job, and the other is about to. Nice folks, but totally not the people I would have been caught hanging out with three years or so ago. Not because I wouldn't have liked them just as much but....I can just imagine what my college group leader would have thought about the situation. *appalled*
I shouldn't mock I guess.
I just am so happy with the fact that I make my own choices about who's lives I am going to be involved in, and who are going to be my friends and so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that we do not have in common, but even so...variety makes life more interesting. My friends have things to teach me, and I have things to teach them. This is *one* of the reasons we have friends. Learning and growing from being a part of each others lives. (I don't care whether or not that was an actual complete sentence. :p)
Anyway, so then today I was reading Jill's blog, and thinking how funny it is the people I meet online..completely randomly. In fact, recently on myspace, I was reading a friends comments on her page, and one of the gals who had commented her had this hilarious sign as her picture, which I just could not resist but comment on. The friend in question, Sandy, I have never met. She lives in Minnesota with her husband (Hi Joseph!) Whom I met online about 7 years ago, or close to it. So when they got married, it was like a package deal! Two friends for the price of one!!
So anyway, I send a message to this mystery girl on Sandy's myspace, and the girl responds back to me. Now, I don't know if Sandy and Joe have ever even been out near Seattle (have you?!) But it turns out that this girl took the myspace picture in a shop somewhere in Snoqualmie, because she visits her sister in Queen Anne every year (North Seattle). So we are laughing and bantering back and forth about what a small world it is, and she asks me how I know Joe and Sandy. haha. Kiiind of the same way? Essentially just bantering back and forth on a message board, and look at us Mr. Joe? Still friends after all this time.
It just goes to show, there are a lot of interesting people out in the big wide world!!
My life is...stretching and growing in different ways. I am learning to functioin outside of the "bubble" which is how I like to refer to church these days. It's hard some days. I admit it. The great thing is though, that I have been in a couple of situations that have forced me to question why I did or didn't do certain things in the first place. It was nice to be able to look, and see solid reason there, not just because this is what the church told me I could or couldn't do, or because "the bible says," which, don't get me wrong, is not an invalid reason, but you know what I am saying?! Dumb christians that don't really know any other reason why they believe what they believe, so when they are talking to anyone who doesn't believe what they do, all they do is thump them with some lame argument that they haven't even really fully developed in their own mind.
I think we create spineless christians these days, who collapse into a puddle once they get outside the building. Then we judge them and call them "backsliders" because on their own they just can't make the right decisions.
It is crammed down your throat in most churches that you need to be very careful not to lose that fellowship, that essentially that is how you survive. There is some truth to this. However, it is also true that I am the most tested when I am all alone. I am asked to give answers when noone is there to bail me out, and in the end, I want to feel like I have a backbone, and that I am going to make the right decisions at those important times, when nobody is peeking over my shoulder. Ya know?
I am certain that I rehash a lot of these ideas, but it's just kind of where I am. So, sorry if I seem repetetive. Eventually I will be done venting about this, and working it out in my brain and life, and it will just be a part of me. That will be me again, as it used to be.
Also, for the record, most of my friends are christians, and fantastic people. They are a tremendous support when I need them...I just need to stand on my own two feet without a babysitter. There was a period of time there where I didn't really get that, and apparently neither did the people I was involved in ministry with and....yeah. So here I am. Learning...evolving. Finding new people to love, finding new strength inside me, and all those other very important things. =)
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Survey Says...
Jill, who's blog I read off and on, posted this, and I decided that I would repost it here. Fair is fair, after all. I have only done this once here on my blog I think, back when I first started it, although I am addicted to these stupid things on myspace. Ugh.
So here you go....
Getting to Know Me:
1.)What color are your kitchen plates?
Black. Just plain old black. Although, I am about to buy some crazy, festive, yellow dishes...to spice things up a bit.
2.) What book are you reading now?
I am still reading 'His Majesty's Dragon' by Naomi Novik. To be honest, I have been busy and distracted, and it's just been one of those weeks where I don't feel like reading that much.
3.)What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have one
4.)Favorite board game?
I don't know if it is "technically" a board game, but along the same vein....Apples to Apples (currently anyway).
5.)Least favorite smells?
Some flowery perfumes really make me nauseous. Otherwise, Jill mentioned vomit, and I don't think much can beat that....although there were some very odd smells in India at times...
6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning?
Oh Holy Lord!! I am so freaking tired right now...I can't do it...I can't do it!
7.)Favorite Color?
Crimson...the color of dark Poinsettia leaves at Christmastime. Blood red.
8.)Least favorite color?
Pink. pleh!
9.)How many rings until you answer the phone?
It depends on who it says is calling, and whether or not I am debating even answering. Usually about two though, unless I am trying to find my phone.
10.)Future child's name?
I don't know if I can really answer that, since obviously I will have a husband who probably also has an opinion, but for a boy, James is at the top of my list, and for a girl, Ruth Louise...my favorite Aunt's name is Ruth, and it is also the middle name of a dear friend and someone I look up to tremendously. Louise I just have always loved, and I love the nickname Lou.
11.)Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate
12.)Do you like to drive fast?
Yes, unless it's like...dark and rainy.
13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope
14.)Do you like thunderstorms?
Very much...unless they knock the power out for four days when it is 30 degrees, and lower outside!
15.)What color are your eyes?
Hazel...in fact, two of my siblings are hazel eyed too, but one's are more brown, where mine are more green.
16.)Sign?
Gemini
17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Why is this question on every survey? It is lame..hehe. Usually, I eat the stems of broccoli, yes.
18.)If you could have any job, what would it be?
To be honest, I am not sure. As long as it allowed me to write and travel though, it would be good. Writing for tv would be fun...I don't know if I have the talent though...but then, this is a hypothetical question right? Assuming I was good enough to do whatever I wanted as well? Then heck, I would be Pink...or Amy Lee. haha
19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
Mine is fine actually, maybe a little more red. I am starting to grey though. My hair is so thick that it is not super noticeable at the moment, but there is A LOT of grey in there already, it's just spread throughout really well. In the next five years, it will be a lot more obviously salt and peppery. My mom is 50 and has been grey for a long time. I might have ten years left, so I am trying to enjoy the hair color God gave me while I can. haha. Besides, I earned these grey hairs damnit!!!
20.)Is the glass half full or half empty?
It totally depends on my mood that day, or whether I am trying to reassure myself...or someone else. lol. More faith for other people!
21.)What is your favorite movie?
This week? I hate this question. There are way too many, and I can never even remember the best ones when I am asked. I love dramas, and particularly movies that make you think. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' is a fave. I have a lot. I love movies.
22.)Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Mostly, yes.
23.)What's under your bed?
Currently, only shoes and slippers
24.)What is your favorite number?
Don't have one.
25.)Favorite sports to watch?
There is a sport besides football???!
26.)Your single biggest intense pain?
When my sister died...and I don't mean just emotionally. Her accident was on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday. It was three days of this up and down, not eating, not sleeping, hoping and then despairing, having your heart ripped out and bleeding all over the place. I felt it in every bone of my body.
27.)Person most likely to respond?
If I sent this, maybe Nicki. She's a good sport. =)
28.)Person least likely " "?
Not sure....Joe!
29.)Ketchup or Mustard?
Mustard...dijon perferrably.
30.)Hamburgers or hotdog?
Depends. If I am camping...hotdogs. I make then nice and black. If I am in California...burgers from In and Out Burger, and in Texas, Whataburger. Both fabulous.
31.)What is your favorite season?
Football. hehe. (Fall)
32.)The best place you have ever been?
Amsterdam...something about that place just seeped inside of me...and no, I don't mean the marijuana smoke, lol! In fact, I was just reading a travel article about it, and my heart physically ached to return. Hopefully someday soon.
33.)Favorite fast food?
Aside from the aforementioned burger joints, located only hundreds of miles away from me? Probably...Taco Bell.
34.)What kind of car do you drive?
A Plymouth Neon...but I really really want a red Jeep Wrangler. hehe.
35.)Married or Single?
So very single.
So there you have it. Another silly survey. Feel free to post your own if you feel so inclined. =)
So here you go....
Getting to Know Me:
1.)What color are your kitchen plates?
Black. Just plain old black. Although, I am about to buy some crazy, festive, yellow dishes...to spice things up a bit.
2.) What book are you reading now?
I am still reading 'His Majesty's Dragon' by Naomi Novik. To be honest, I have been busy and distracted, and it's just been one of those weeks where I don't feel like reading that much.
3.)What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have one
4.)Favorite board game?
I don't know if it is "technically" a board game, but along the same vein....Apples to Apples (currently anyway).
5.)Least favorite smells?
Some flowery perfumes really make me nauseous. Otherwise, Jill mentioned vomit, and I don't think much can beat that....although there were some very odd smells in India at times...
6.)What is the first thing you think of in the morning?
Oh Holy Lord!! I am so freaking tired right now...I can't do it...I can't do it!
7.)Favorite Color?
Crimson...the color of dark Poinsettia leaves at Christmastime. Blood red.
8.)Least favorite color?
Pink. pleh!
9.)How many rings until you answer the phone?
It depends on who it says is calling, and whether or not I am debating even answering. Usually about two though, unless I am trying to find my phone.
10.)Future child's name?
I don't know if I can really answer that, since obviously I will have a husband who probably also has an opinion, but for a boy, James is at the top of my list, and for a girl, Ruth Louise...my favorite Aunt's name is Ruth, and it is also the middle name of a dear friend and someone I look up to tremendously. Louise I just have always loved, and I love the nickname Lou.
11.)Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate
12.)Do you like to drive fast?
Yes, unless it's like...dark and rainy.
13.)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope
14.)Do you like thunderstorms?
Very much...unless they knock the power out for four days when it is 30 degrees, and lower outside!
15.)What color are your eyes?
Hazel...in fact, two of my siblings are hazel eyed too, but one's are more brown, where mine are more green.
16.)Sign?
Gemini
17.)Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Why is this question on every survey? It is lame..hehe. Usually, I eat the stems of broccoli, yes.
18.)If you could have any job, what would it be?
To be honest, I am not sure. As long as it allowed me to write and travel though, it would be good. Writing for tv would be fun...I don't know if I have the talent though...but then, this is a hypothetical question right? Assuming I was good enough to do whatever I wanted as well? Then heck, I would be Pink...or Amy Lee. haha
19.)If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
Mine is fine actually, maybe a little more red. I am starting to grey though. My hair is so thick that it is not super noticeable at the moment, but there is A LOT of grey in there already, it's just spread throughout really well. In the next five years, it will be a lot more obviously salt and peppery. My mom is 50 and has been grey for a long time. I might have ten years left, so I am trying to enjoy the hair color God gave me while I can. haha. Besides, I earned these grey hairs damnit!!!
20.)Is the glass half full or half empty?
It totally depends on my mood that day, or whether I am trying to reassure myself...or someone else. lol. More faith for other people!
21.)What is your favorite movie?
This week? I hate this question. There are way too many, and I can never even remember the best ones when I am asked. I love dramas, and particularly movies that make you think. 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' is a fave. I have a lot. I love movies.
22.)Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Mostly, yes.
23.)What's under your bed?
Currently, only shoes and slippers
24.)What is your favorite number?
Don't have one.
25.)Favorite sports to watch?
There is a sport besides football???!
26.)Your single biggest intense pain?
When my sister died...and I don't mean just emotionally. Her accident was on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday. It was three days of this up and down, not eating, not sleeping, hoping and then despairing, having your heart ripped out and bleeding all over the place. I felt it in every bone of my body.
27.)Person most likely to respond?
If I sent this, maybe Nicki. She's a good sport. =)
28.)Person least likely " "?
Not sure....Joe!
29.)Ketchup or Mustard?
Mustard...dijon perferrably.
30.)Hamburgers or hotdog?
Depends. If I am camping...hotdogs. I make then nice and black. If I am in California...burgers from In and Out Burger, and in Texas, Whataburger. Both fabulous.
31.)What is your favorite season?
Football. hehe. (Fall)
32.)The best place you have ever been?
Amsterdam...something about that place just seeped inside of me...and no, I don't mean the marijuana smoke, lol! In fact, I was just reading a travel article about it, and my heart physically ached to return. Hopefully someday soon.
33.)Favorite fast food?
Aside from the aforementioned burger joints, located only hundreds of miles away from me? Probably...Taco Bell.
34.)What kind of car do you drive?
A Plymouth Neon...but I really really want a red Jeep Wrangler. hehe.
35.)Married or Single?
So very single.
So there you have it. Another silly survey. Feel free to post your own if you feel so inclined. =)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Searching for Meaning...
So yesterday I had an apartment to move into. We were going to sign a year lease. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about signing a year lease, though I can't tell you why. In any case, today I do not have that apartment to move into. I won't go into the details, but I am back to square one. I do have another potential roommate, but I can't move in until April 1st, and ideally, I should be moving the 1st of March. My housemates are awesome, but would really like their house back to themselves, and who can blame them?
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.
Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.
Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.
So there is that.
Aside from the moving, things have been going pretty well for me lately.
I've felt inspired..in a lot of different ways really. In general I have just felt this renewed sense of hope. This renewed feeling of life.
I can't really explain it. I would like for it to stick around though.
For a long time I have had this terrible mindset of whatever can go wrong is about to. Like...I am always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.
In fact, even with the moving situation, when things begin to go well, there is a touch of fear in the back of my mind, that it really isn't going to work out the way I had planned.
Of course, since I moved here, things have been getting better and better. Slowly I feel like life has been coming back to me. Things I had lost before. Recapturing some of them has been unexpected and wonderful. So, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, even when I feel like Everything is about to fall apart again. Your whole life doesn't just change overnight...usually. =)
New mindsets require time to develop.
Once again I find that I am just wondering what adds real meaning to our lives. If I get married, and have kids, is that where I am going to find the most meaning? If I become passionate about some career, will that give me meaning? I find that I need to live my life with some sense of it. It's easier now than it used to be, because my definition isn't as grandious as it once was. Even so, it's difficult for me to feel like there is enough meaning in my life. The people around me really help. Once I establish connections with the people in my everyday life, that is a huge part of it. So my friends here definitely help. It's nice to have friends who have ambitions for their lives, beyond just staying in Spokane and having babies. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but I just want something more, and back home...you know, its all the same. I don't mean to imply, by saying that, that I don't want a family someday. I just hope that my family will travel a little and...I don't know...do more than carpool and attend soccer games. Who knows what will be.
Maybe someday I will get married, and find myself content to sit still in Federal Way forever. I find it hard to imagine though.
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