Been busy, what can I say?
Work has been overloading my brain! It's nice to have a couple of days off. Last week was also a rough week. Just the reality of being 2000 miles away from home for Christmas. Generally, even when I don't live there, I always go home for Christmas. So, I was feeling pretty emotional a couple of days, and coming up with all of these reasons to move home.
I am feeling much better now.
I think as I get older it gets harder to roam to and fro. Almost all of my friends are married now, and most have kids. Everybody is settled down and I guess I am feeling that pull to be near friends and family.
Anyway, I have probably mentioned this many times before.
For awhile now, most of the time I have been in San Antonio, I have been feeling this constant stretching feeling. Being here, though good, has also been very hard. I have definitely grown. I have felt all along though, that I was supposed to be here. I can't really explain it.
In any case, that is what keeps me here. It would be easier for me to go home and be able to work at Starbucks, which I love even when I hate it. haha!
My new job is going to be boring and tedious, but I am going to do whatever I have to do until I feel released to do the next thing.
There are some things in life that I just do not understand, and my being here is one of them!!!! haha!
It's good though. It's great being only two hours from Becky and being able to drive down and visit sometimes. We have great times.
Merry Christmas to all of you reading this. I hope your Holiday is tremendously blessed. Take time to stop and remember the reason for the season.
Much love coming your way from San Antonio!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
JOE SHERRY ROCKS MY FACE OFF! WOOHOO!
Okay, so I have been meaning to post this entry for two days now.
I am not so used to my schedule. It's not a rough one, just different, and I have had plenty to do when I get home lately. By the time I get around to blogging I have been exhausted.
So anyway...
Joe gets the blog title this week for giving me a heads up on the Wheel of Time info. When Robert Jordan died and he didn't rush straight to email to let me know, I gave him a really hard time. hehe. :p
WAHOOO! Harriet has picked a writer for a Memory of Light, which is great news. Althouth I know nothing about this guy, noone could make a better decision than her. It won't be the same, but I know it will be as close as possible.
Possible release date of Fall 2009!!!! I am STOKED about that!! Wooo!
Thanks Joe, for the heads up.
I still check dragonmount, but who knows how many days might have gone by before I visited the site again.
Okay, this is a two part blog.
I asked you guys for blogging topics, and Lara told me that I should blog about what I would personally do if my potential employers were reading my blog.
Ugh.
Hard for me to imagine.
Honestly, the first thing I would probably do would be to change my blog address. lol! I realise that Lara has way too big a fan base to do that, but I don't have that problem. In fact, I could personally email everyone I know of who reads this blog, and direct them to the new place, thereby resolving the issue.
Of course, I really don't WANT to resort to moving my blog. So....hmm.
I guess it depends if I get the job. haha. If this is a job that I want and they have already read my blog...well, what can you do? What's done is done. That doesn't mean that I am feeling comfortable with my boss reading my blog and my not being able to vent about any work related issues, possibly including the fact that one of my supervisors is a snake.
So, if I get the job and keep it, I am moving my blog...or password protecting the entire thing.
If, on the other hand, I interviewed, but they hate me because of my blog or my personality (whatever), or I decide not to take the job for whatever reason...then I really don't care. Read away people!
At that point, they can't affect me professionally, and since I am most likely not going to see them again, or only coincidentally, it isn't that big of a deal.
When it comes to people in my personal sphere though...then I have a tendency to feel exposed or threatened. I like to be in control of what the people surrounding me know about me, as much as is possible. People out there....it's a bit different. Weird huh? I am sure that I am not the only one who feels that way however.
I am thinking of some things to post in response to Jill's suggestion as well. In the meantime, keep 'em comin'!! My brain is way too fried to think up my own topics. Today in training we had about half an hour left and I was ready to get up and run around the room screaming....just to have something else to do. The material is not particularly difficult, it's just taking it all in at once and remembering it!!! Easier said than done.
Wish me luck!
I am not so used to my schedule. It's not a rough one, just different, and I have had plenty to do when I get home lately. By the time I get around to blogging I have been exhausted.
So anyway...
Joe gets the blog title this week for giving me a heads up on the Wheel of Time info. When Robert Jordan died and he didn't rush straight to email to let me know, I gave him a really hard time. hehe. :p
WAHOOO! Harriet has picked a writer for a Memory of Light, which is great news. Althouth I know nothing about this guy, noone could make a better decision than her. It won't be the same, but I know it will be as close as possible.
Possible release date of Fall 2009!!!! I am STOKED about that!! Wooo!
Thanks Joe, for the heads up.
I still check dragonmount, but who knows how many days might have gone by before I visited the site again.
Okay, this is a two part blog.
I asked you guys for blogging topics, and Lara told me that I should blog about what I would personally do if my potential employers were reading my blog.
Ugh.
Hard for me to imagine.
Honestly, the first thing I would probably do would be to change my blog address. lol! I realise that Lara has way too big a fan base to do that, but I don't have that problem. In fact, I could personally email everyone I know of who reads this blog, and direct them to the new place, thereby resolving the issue.
Of course, I really don't WANT to resort to moving my blog. So....hmm.
I guess it depends if I get the job. haha. If this is a job that I want and they have already read my blog...well, what can you do? What's done is done. That doesn't mean that I am feeling comfortable with my boss reading my blog and my not being able to vent about any work related issues, possibly including the fact that one of my supervisors is a snake.
So, if I get the job and keep it, I am moving my blog...or password protecting the entire thing.
If, on the other hand, I interviewed, but they hate me because of my blog or my personality (whatever), or I decide not to take the job for whatever reason...then I really don't care. Read away people!
At that point, they can't affect me professionally, and since I am most likely not going to see them again, or only coincidentally, it isn't that big of a deal.
When it comes to people in my personal sphere though...then I have a tendency to feel exposed or threatened. I like to be in control of what the people surrounding me know about me, as much as is possible. People out there....it's a bit different. Weird huh? I am sure that I am not the only one who feels that way however.
I am thinking of some things to post in response to Jill's suggestion as well. In the meantime, keep 'em comin'!! My brain is way too fried to think up my own topics. Today in training we had about half an hour left and I was ready to get up and run around the room screaming....just to have something else to do. The material is not particularly difficult, it's just taking it all in at once and remembering it!!! Easier said than done.
Wish me luck!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Invitation...
By the way (for the whole three of you that actually read this blog! ha!), I am up for blogging suggestions at the moment. So, if there is a topic or two that you would just love to hear my commentary on, or any questions that you are just dying to ask....feel free.
It could be fun. It could be amusing. It could be revealing!
Mwah!
P.S. One of the big bonuses of not having a kazillion readers and not being THAT incredibly interesting, is that unlike Lara, potential employers do NOT read my blog. I like to keep my anonymity. :p
Go tiny blogging me!
Woo!
It could be fun. It could be amusing. It could be revealing!
Mwah!
P.S. One of the big bonuses of not having a kazillion readers and not being THAT incredibly interesting, is that unlike Lara, potential employers do NOT read my blog. I like to keep my anonymity. :p
Go tiny blogging me!
Woo!
Bloggin' bloggin' bloggin'...
So, Jill asked for an update on my new job. However, since I just started the training today, there is not much I can say about it. Essentially I work for an insurance company, dealing with benefits information, etc etc. Not terribly exciting. In fact, I am going to be bored to tears. I have done these kinds of jobs before and they don't perfectly suit me.
It is, however, a means to an end...as I have said before. Everyone there seems really nice, which is a big bonus.
It may not be the job I have for the next three years, but I will do it for as long as I can without pulling out my hair or someone elses. :p
Actually, I am hoping to save a lot of money the first part of 08. That will be good. So, there are definitely up sides.
And who knows, maybe there is a perfect job up ahead. *shrug*
In any case, I get to wear jeans to work, which is pretty much the highlight of my existence. That's just how I roll. =)
In fact, just in case I die prematurely, perhaps by being stepped on by an elephant, or falling off the roof one day, I would like to say here and now, in writing for all the world to see, that I prefer to be buried in my blue jeans. Ahh yeah baby. ;)
It is cold and foggy in San Antone today and I love it. =) I've been thinking lately about the West coast. Like, I don't care where I live in the future, as long as it is somewhere on the west coast. Things are just so completely different. I don't even care which state it is....Washington, Oregon, California....they are all good options as far as I am concerned. In fact, in Oregon, I wouldn't even have to pump my own gas. :p It's the simple things you know. ha!
Then again, California has In n' Out Burger. ;)
...Well....it's a toss up, what can I say?
=)
It is, however, a means to an end...as I have said before. Everyone there seems really nice, which is a big bonus.
It may not be the job I have for the next three years, but I will do it for as long as I can without pulling out my hair or someone elses. :p
Actually, I am hoping to save a lot of money the first part of 08. That will be good. So, there are definitely up sides.
And who knows, maybe there is a perfect job up ahead. *shrug*
In any case, I get to wear jeans to work, which is pretty much the highlight of my existence. That's just how I roll. =)
In fact, just in case I die prematurely, perhaps by being stepped on by an elephant, or falling off the roof one day, I would like to say here and now, in writing for all the world to see, that I prefer to be buried in my blue jeans. Ahh yeah baby. ;)
It is cold and foggy in San Antone today and I love it. =) I've been thinking lately about the West coast. Like, I don't care where I live in the future, as long as it is somewhere on the west coast. Things are just so completely different. I don't even care which state it is....Washington, Oregon, California....they are all good options as far as I am concerned. In fact, in Oregon, I wouldn't even have to pump my own gas. :p It's the simple things you know. ha!
Then again, California has In n' Out Burger. ;)
...Well....it's a toss up, what can I say?
=)
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Ugh and even more Ugh.
It is so not fun when I really want to talk to someone, and they could genuinely care less about talking to me. I suppose they have much better things to do with their time!!
You know, I generally do not waste my time on these sorts of situations. I find things to distract myself until the desire goes away. Unfortunately, that is not really working out this time!! Phoo.
Soo....I dunno. I guess I am just going to have to deal with that feeling. Bleh.
In other news, I have a possible roommate situation with one of my old DTS friends. She is a really great person, but we are both pretty set in our ways and I do have my doubts. It's the best prospect I have however, and if it works out then that will be good.
I start the new job tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
I am not terribly excited about it, but I am prepared to sink my teeth in and do the best job I can. It is a means to an end.
I was looking into some community college classes, but the tuition here for non-residents is out of control. So, for now I am going to focus on other things, and hope to save some money for whatever is ahead. Including my trip to Europe with Becky in the fall! Woo! Still crossing my fingers that is all going to work out ok.
So, things are not looking good with the writer's strike. I was hoping, probably somewhat naively, that the AMPTP would actually negotiate a good contract, rather than trying to screw the writers. Good Lord, it's NOT like those CEO's are not making plenty of money to spread the wealth around. Half of the good tv is now on reruns and the rest is about to follow in the next couple of weeks.
With no end in sight, there is not a lot of hope for the spring.
It's okay for me. I will miss Bones, but I will also have plenty to keep me entertained in the coming months.
Unfortunately, people are so hooked on their tv's these days, they will probably just go out and buy a lot of shows on dvd to last through the strike. Sad, and I hope it doesn't happen, but possibly the case. I wish we could all rally for the writers...just on general principle. Workers deserve to be fairly compensated, but instead many workers just get buy, while CEO's of large corporations get richer and richer all the time.
Fortunately, my mother does not read this blog. If she did, she would tell me that it is all George Bush's fault, that he is the antichrist and is destroying America. I really hate talking politics with my mom. Regardless of my feelings on Bush, I generally just feel a stubborn desire to argue with her. No matter what the topic.
My mom is, however, a member of a union and I am pretty sure that she would stand with the writers on this. I guess that means we agree on something. I still don't want to talk about it. :p
Things are pretty well here in Texas. I have my good days and my bad days as we all do. There isn't really a lot else to say on the matter right now. I still have no idea what I am doing here, but I am just going with it. I am looking at it as an opportunity for growth. =)
You know, I generally do not waste my time on these sorts of situations. I find things to distract myself until the desire goes away. Unfortunately, that is not really working out this time!! Phoo.
Soo....I dunno. I guess I am just going to have to deal with that feeling. Bleh.
In other news, I have a possible roommate situation with one of my old DTS friends. She is a really great person, but we are both pretty set in our ways and I do have my doubts. It's the best prospect I have however, and if it works out then that will be good.
I start the new job tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
I am not terribly excited about it, but I am prepared to sink my teeth in and do the best job I can. It is a means to an end.
I was looking into some community college classes, but the tuition here for non-residents is out of control. So, for now I am going to focus on other things, and hope to save some money for whatever is ahead. Including my trip to Europe with Becky in the fall! Woo! Still crossing my fingers that is all going to work out ok.
So, things are not looking good with the writer's strike. I was hoping, probably somewhat naively, that the AMPTP would actually negotiate a good contract, rather than trying to screw the writers. Good Lord, it's NOT like those CEO's are not making plenty of money to spread the wealth around. Half of the good tv is now on reruns and the rest is about to follow in the next couple of weeks.
With no end in sight, there is not a lot of hope for the spring.
It's okay for me. I will miss Bones, but I will also have plenty to keep me entertained in the coming months.
Unfortunately, people are so hooked on their tv's these days, they will probably just go out and buy a lot of shows on dvd to last through the strike. Sad, and I hope it doesn't happen, but possibly the case. I wish we could all rally for the writers...just on general principle. Workers deserve to be fairly compensated, but instead many workers just get buy, while CEO's of large corporations get richer and richer all the time.
Fortunately, my mother does not read this blog. If she did, she would tell me that it is all George Bush's fault, that he is the antichrist and is destroying America. I really hate talking politics with my mom. Regardless of my feelings on Bush, I generally just feel a stubborn desire to argue with her. No matter what the topic.
My mom is, however, a member of a union and I am pretty sure that she would stand with the writers on this. I guess that means we agree on something. I still don't want to talk about it. :p
Things are pretty well here in Texas. I have my good days and my bad days as we all do. There isn't really a lot else to say on the matter right now. I still have no idea what I am doing here, but I am just going with it. I am looking at it as an opportunity for growth. =)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Writers and Joss. My Favorite Things.
Somehow in the midst of the writer's strike and my own crazy life here in San Antonio, I am finding the desire to write things taking over and flowing through my veins again. It creeps up on me you know.
Anyway, I do plenty of writing away from this blog.
Today on the United Hollywood website, I read this post by Joss Whedon. Actually, it was originally posted on Whedonesque, which you can also get to by the link on the right hand side of this page.
It brings up a couple of interesting points, especially pertaining to the audacity of the AMPTP.
I am posting it here in its entirety.
Enjoy.
Joss Whedon Looks Into A Crystal Ball...
(From WGA Member Joss Whedon, originally posted on Whedonesque)
We're a week away from Mutant Enemy Picket day! Since the AMPTP have generously offered us a thimble of sputum in exchange for everything written ever, I think it's fair to say it won't be a picnic.
And in two weeks, I'll be in Boston, speechifying (look for some long, fancy words, yo) and rallying shoulder to shoulder with, among other people, my dad, who somehow lived through both the '88 strike and my adolescence. Word. (Long fancy.)
And after that? Well, we might take this to the streets of some other cities. Get the word out, remind everyone that corporate greed (it's nothing but) is hurting everyone in this country. Not just because they're robbing people of entertainment (and, on occasion, art) and strangling an entire (non-writing) community, but because they're sending a message to every union in the country: you're next. The actors know that in their case, it's literally true, but it's also true for the concept of a unionized workforce. We get a lot of flack for being well-fed, glamorous, rich and powerful. We've worked hard to dispel that stereotype but in fact, a select few of us are wealthy and influential. And we have the support of some of the most famous and beloved (and wealthy and influential) people in the country: TV and movie stars! So the fact that the studios feel perfectly comfortable SPITTING IN OUR FACES in front of the whole world cannot bode well for any other union that works under them -- or under anyone who sees how easy it is to deny the basic rights of workers even so public as we. This is bad for writers, bad for actors, teamsters, teachers, nurses, dockworkers... the shape of this country is changing. The middle class is being squeezed out. We're trundling back to the middle ages, people, and all we can do is lie there and take it.
But of course, that's not what's going to happen. The studios mean to starve us out. They can't. We know what's at stake. We take care of our own, and those around us who aren't our own. We dig in. And eventually, if after months of deadlock we still can't make an equitable deal, you will start to see real change. Change in the way we entertain you, change in the essential structure of America's most popular export. (Unless it's corn. Is it corn?) The fact is, the studios have been robbing us for twenty years. (Actually, it's been much longer, but the statute of limitations says I should let 'em off easy.) This grotesque insult of a negotiation is the end of an era. It will be remembered as the stupidest move the conglomotainment empires ever made. WE ASKED FOR PRACTICALLY NOTHING. And they...
Something snaps. Something changes. Chaos, meet opportunity. Let them try to starve us out. We won't just survive. We will THRIVE. We're known as a creative community, and those numb f#$%ing frost-giants are about to find out we're a lot more of both than they knew.
If they come back to the table this very Tuesday next with the deal we need (and they won't), the change will still have come. The snap. The thing that broke, that can't be fixed. The eye, still wincing from the light, but finally wide open.
Good going, guys! Way to think it through.
Anyway, I do plenty of writing away from this blog.
Today on the United Hollywood website, I read this post by Joss Whedon. Actually, it was originally posted on Whedonesque, which you can also get to by the link on the right hand side of this page.
It brings up a couple of interesting points, especially pertaining to the audacity of the AMPTP.
I am posting it here in its entirety.
Enjoy.
Joss Whedon Looks Into A Crystal Ball...
(From WGA Member Joss Whedon, originally posted on Whedonesque)
We're a week away from Mutant Enemy Picket day! Since the AMPTP have generously offered us a thimble of sputum in exchange for everything written ever, I think it's fair to say it won't be a picnic.
And in two weeks, I'll be in Boston, speechifying (look for some long, fancy words, yo) and rallying shoulder to shoulder with, among other people, my dad, who somehow lived through both the '88 strike and my adolescence. Word. (Long fancy.)
And after that? Well, we might take this to the streets of some other cities. Get the word out, remind everyone that corporate greed (it's nothing but) is hurting everyone in this country. Not just because they're robbing people of entertainment (and, on occasion, art) and strangling an entire (non-writing) community, but because they're sending a message to every union in the country: you're next. The actors know that in their case, it's literally true, but it's also true for the concept of a unionized workforce. We get a lot of flack for being well-fed, glamorous, rich and powerful. We've worked hard to dispel that stereotype but in fact, a select few of us are wealthy and influential. And we have the support of some of the most famous and beloved (and wealthy and influential) people in the country: TV and movie stars! So the fact that the studios feel perfectly comfortable SPITTING IN OUR FACES in front of the whole world cannot bode well for any other union that works under them -- or under anyone who sees how easy it is to deny the basic rights of workers even so public as we. This is bad for writers, bad for actors, teamsters, teachers, nurses, dockworkers... the shape of this country is changing. The middle class is being squeezed out. We're trundling back to the middle ages, people, and all we can do is lie there and take it.
But of course, that's not what's going to happen. The studios mean to starve us out. They can't. We know what's at stake. We take care of our own, and those around us who aren't our own. We dig in. And eventually, if after months of deadlock we still can't make an equitable deal, you will start to see real change. Change in the way we entertain you, change in the essential structure of America's most popular export. (Unless it's corn. Is it corn?) The fact is, the studios have been robbing us for twenty years. (Actually, it's been much longer, but the statute of limitations says I should let 'em off easy.) This grotesque insult of a negotiation is the end of an era. It will be remembered as the stupidest move the conglomotainment empires ever made. WE ASKED FOR PRACTICALLY NOTHING. And they...
Something snaps. Something changes. Chaos, meet opportunity. Let them try to starve us out. We won't just survive. We will THRIVE. We're known as a creative community, and those numb f#$%ing frost-giants are about to find out we're a lot more of both than they knew.
If they come back to the table this very Tuesday next with the deal we need (and they won't), the change will still have come. The snap. The thing that broke, that can't be fixed. The eye, still wincing from the light, but finally wide open.
Good going, guys! Way to think it through.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Small moments of happiness.
However lame lamedy lame it might be....I LOVE this show. =)
It makes me all happy inside.
So here you go...
It makes me all happy inside.
So here you go...
Rawr. Thirteen Things that SUCK!!!
As I was getting ready to get my rant on, I remembered that it was Thursday and that I haven't done one of these things in a long time. So I thought; What the hell?
Here they are, 13 Things that suck.
1. Blind Faith. This stupid feeling in my gut or voice in my head, or whatever it is, that makes me "go this way," or "do the right thing" or whatever. While everyone else is off chasing after their pleasures and I am sitting here crying because this hurts and it sucks, and on top of it everyone thinks I am a freak. Nice.
2. Not being home with your family for Christmas because of stupid blind faith.
3. Being single. Highly overrated.
4. Getting out of the blue messages, on your dead sisters birthday, from her old friends whom you really do not want to comfort or talk to.
5. Taking new jobs that you don't love (even thought you are greatful for) because you have to pay the bills somehow!!
6. Stupid people who will not talk to you or return your messages for no apparently good reason except that they are LAME!!! ppplllllbbbbb!!!!
7. Old Flames.
8. Hormones that amplify the affect of everything you are already feeling and/or trying to bury, while at the same time negating everything you feel and/or are trying to bury by making other people think you are "simply hormonal."
9. All of the above things happening simultaneously.
10. Having absoultely no control over all of the above things, or seemingly of ones faith-lead life at all.
(Thanks Jill for catching my lameness! haha! Apparently I was ranting a little too much if you catch my drift!!!)
Originally I only posted ten things, rather than 13...
So...
11. Only posting ten things when you meant to post 13!!!!
12. The writers in Hollywood not getting paid what they deserve, so that the shows I love can continue to go on and give me some small comfort!!
13. Feeling stupid the day after my rants, even though I sometimes need to just get it all out!!
Being a Christian is not always full of daises and roses...but, ya know, such is life.
Anyway, there ya have it!!
Here they are, 13 Things that suck.
1. Blind Faith. This stupid feeling in my gut or voice in my head, or whatever it is, that makes me "go this way," or "do the right thing" or whatever. While everyone else is off chasing after their pleasures and I am sitting here crying because this hurts and it sucks, and on top of it everyone thinks I am a freak. Nice.
2. Not being home with your family for Christmas because of stupid blind faith.
3. Being single. Highly overrated.
4. Getting out of the blue messages, on your dead sisters birthday, from her old friends whom you really do not want to comfort or talk to.
5. Taking new jobs that you don't love (even thought you are greatful for) because you have to pay the bills somehow!!
6. Stupid people who will not talk to you or return your messages for no apparently good reason except that they are LAME!!! ppplllllbbbbb!!!!
7. Old Flames.
8. Hormones that amplify the affect of everything you are already feeling and/or trying to bury, while at the same time negating everything you feel and/or are trying to bury by making other people think you are "simply hormonal."
9. All of the above things happening simultaneously.
10. Having absoultely no control over all of the above things, or seemingly of ones faith-lead life at all.
(Thanks Jill for catching my lameness! haha! Apparently I was ranting a little too much if you catch my drift!!!)
Originally I only posted ten things, rather than 13...
So...
11. Only posting ten things when you meant to post 13!!!!
12. The writers in Hollywood not getting paid what they deserve, so that the shows I love can continue to go on and give me some small comfort!!
13. Feeling stupid the day after my rants, even though I sometimes need to just get it all out!!
Being a Christian is not always full of daises and roses...but, ya know, such is life.
Anyway, there ya have it!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Things Come to Pass...
Yesterday someone I knew passed away.
One of my best friends, my big sister really...I mean, if it could be said that I have one...her father passed away. Many years ago he was the associate pastor at our church so I knew him well. Always friendly and full of life, he was a very well liked man.
I haven't seen he or his wife in some time, but I would get occassional reports from my friend. She lives very far from me, back home in Washington, and I am sorry that I am not there to give her a big hug.
Many of my good friends from the old days are scattered all over the place. I made a couple of phone calls to let people know the bad news.
One of the people I called is also an old roommate of mine. We met at work when I was 18. She knows the people who I live with now here in Texas. We go way back. Anyway, she asked me a couple of questions about them and different things. I don't know why, but it made me stop and think about being here. It made me think about what brought me here in the first place.
I haven't cried yet. I mean, I have been on the verge of tears for awhile, but they don't fall. I think the most sad thing for me, is just not being there with my friends. This is, unfortunately, how life goes sometimes.
I wouldn't say that I was incredibly close with this man, but since his family include some of my favorite people ever....well, you know. I generally spend Christmas Eve with the family. It's a three year running tradition, so this will be the first time I have missed it in awhile. It's ok. I mean, I am not sorry about being here, but there are definitely good and bad points.
I pray that one day I will be able to spend holidays with my family and friends in Washington, even if that means flying or driving long distances. I suppose I have been very lucky to have had so many good holidays with everyone so far.
I am listening to some gregorian chant Christmas carol and it is making me all mushy. heh. I love choirs. Love love love.
Work has been surprisingly good the past three days, which is a HUGE blessing, considering the difficulties I have had here, and the constant pain I carry around inside of me. The stress of work and finances does not help.
I have been blissfully numb in some ways. I mean, the things that are constantly on my mind have appeared somewhat less frequently. It was a break I needed. I know it can't last forever, but I am greatful for the respite.
Tonight I am going to do some praying though, which might cause everything to rise right up. It is just a consequence that I must pay.
God is good though and I am well in body and spirit, if just a little weary in the heart area.
It is well with my soul
One of my best friends, my big sister really...I mean, if it could be said that I have one...her father passed away. Many years ago he was the associate pastor at our church so I knew him well. Always friendly and full of life, he was a very well liked man.
I haven't seen he or his wife in some time, but I would get occassional reports from my friend. She lives very far from me, back home in Washington, and I am sorry that I am not there to give her a big hug.
Many of my good friends from the old days are scattered all over the place. I made a couple of phone calls to let people know the bad news.
One of the people I called is also an old roommate of mine. We met at work when I was 18. She knows the people who I live with now here in Texas. We go way back. Anyway, she asked me a couple of questions about them and different things. I don't know why, but it made me stop and think about being here. It made me think about what brought me here in the first place.
I haven't cried yet. I mean, I have been on the verge of tears for awhile, but they don't fall. I think the most sad thing for me, is just not being there with my friends. This is, unfortunately, how life goes sometimes.
I wouldn't say that I was incredibly close with this man, but since his family include some of my favorite people ever....well, you know. I generally spend Christmas Eve with the family. It's a three year running tradition, so this will be the first time I have missed it in awhile. It's ok. I mean, I am not sorry about being here, but there are definitely good and bad points.
I pray that one day I will be able to spend holidays with my family and friends in Washington, even if that means flying or driving long distances. I suppose I have been very lucky to have had so many good holidays with everyone so far.
I am listening to some gregorian chant Christmas carol and it is making me all mushy. heh. I love choirs. Love love love.
Work has been surprisingly good the past three days, which is a HUGE blessing, considering the difficulties I have had here, and the constant pain I carry around inside of me. The stress of work and finances does not help.
I have been blissfully numb in some ways. I mean, the things that are constantly on my mind have appeared somewhat less frequently. It was a break I needed. I know it can't last forever, but I am greatful for the respite.
Tonight I am going to do some praying though, which might cause everything to rise right up. It is just a consequence that I must pay.
God is good though and I am well in body and spirit, if just a little weary in the heart area.
It is well with my soul
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Way Things Are...
Whenever something political is in the news, so and so (somebody, maybe you, or your neighbor)is commenting on the bias of the media and how they always lean this way or that way. I have heard various critisisms of the New York Times for example, saying that they cater to a certain status of people and maybe they have been bought out.
Well, duh.
Everybody is in it for the money.
If I had enough money to get my opinion spread all around the globe, pertaining to world poverty, AIDS, and various other important social topics, don't you think I would do so?
So, where I was going with this is that I actually think the Writer's Strike is a sad commentary on this whole thing. A support of this fact if you will. It has only been minutely covered by the news, and I don't know about you, but I am pretty damn sure that has a lot to do with the networks that are behind the programs.
Even though I believe this to be the case, I still hold out hope that the spirit of journalism will prevail. As far as the internet is concerned, the WGA seems to be well represented, but in the news...pleh.
I guess the Networks don't want the public at large to know they are screwing the people that work for them.
Money hungry bastards.
In any case, as seems ironicly appropriate, I would not doubt that the thing they are unwilling to compromise on, the thing they swear will not last or give money to anyone (despite the fact that they are already rolling in it), will ultimately be
the thing that brings about their demise.
All hail the World Wide Web. =)
Go Writers!
Well, duh.
Everybody is in it for the money.
If I had enough money to get my opinion spread all around the globe, pertaining to world poverty, AIDS, and various other important social topics, don't you think I would do so?
So, where I was going with this is that I actually think the Writer's Strike is a sad commentary on this whole thing. A support of this fact if you will. It has only been minutely covered by the news, and I don't know about you, but I am pretty damn sure that has a lot to do with the networks that are behind the programs.
Even though I believe this to be the case, I still hold out hope that the spirit of journalism will prevail. As far as the internet is concerned, the WGA seems to be well represented, but in the news...pleh.
I guess the Networks don't want the public at large to know they are screwing the people that work for them.
Money hungry bastards.
In any case, as seems ironicly appropriate, I would not doubt that the thing they are unwilling to compromise on, the thing they swear will not last or give money to anyone (despite the fact that they are already rolling in it), will ultimately be
the thing that brings about their demise.
All hail the World Wide Web. =)
Go Writers!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Back to Basics
Today was a good day. Green Bay pretty much wiped the turf with the Vikings. A Packer's fan just can't be sad about that. :p
I live in a household of Dallas fans though...so in a couple of weeks when we go head to head, it is going to be very interesting.
In less exciting news, there haven't really been any positive changes here lately. On the other hand, my attitude about things has begun to sway, which is a good sign. I have realized that I really need to focus on the little things. What I mean by little things are; having a positive attitude at work no matter what, praying for my friends and coworkers, finding ways to bless my very gracious friends that are letting me stay with them. Maybe these things seem like no brainers, but sometimes we get very distracted by the big picture.
I had very specific ideas about the way things were going to go here in San Antonio, and it just hasn't even come CLOSE to what I pictured.
Not to sound all negative, I love my friends and spending time with them, plus reconnecting with others has been a huge blessing. I think this is a point I am reiterating here.
I notice I have been repeating myself a little in the last few posts.
In any case, last week somebody said something to me about "building the foundation," which I HATE hearing. Anything about "foundations" makes me think that I should hide in my room and read the bible for hours and hours each day and I am REALLY bad at that.
It was food for though though, and I am realizing some other areas of my life where some good things do need to be restored and built up. So...gonna work on that.
I had a few days off this week and I go back early in the morning so this will be the first test of whether or not I can have a better attitude. Go me!
Don't get me wrong, I get along with everyone just fine, but my patience is on edge at least half of the time, and I find myself wanting to lose patience even with my customers, which is generally not like me. I feel sick of people and their whiney complaining.
Truth is however, those are a small portion of the people we deal with on a regular basis. I have always been pretty good about brushing them off....just not since I have been in San Antonio.
We'll see how it goes.
In general I can't shake this odd feeling anytime I am outside of this household, that I just don't quite click here. Like...maybe I don't belong, and I definitely do not like people as much as in Washington which genuinely surprises me. Most likely I just haven't given it enough of a chance. I am certainly going to hang in here.
Well, that is the update for this fabulous Sunday evening.
More to come...eventually! ;P
I live in a household of Dallas fans though...so in a couple of weeks when we go head to head, it is going to be very interesting.
In less exciting news, there haven't really been any positive changes here lately. On the other hand, my attitude about things has begun to sway, which is a good sign. I have realized that I really need to focus on the little things. What I mean by little things are; having a positive attitude at work no matter what, praying for my friends and coworkers, finding ways to bless my very gracious friends that are letting me stay with them. Maybe these things seem like no brainers, but sometimes we get very distracted by the big picture.
I had very specific ideas about the way things were going to go here in San Antonio, and it just hasn't even come CLOSE to what I pictured.
Not to sound all negative, I love my friends and spending time with them, plus reconnecting with others has been a huge blessing. I think this is a point I am reiterating here.
I notice I have been repeating myself a little in the last few posts.
In any case, last week somebody said something to me about "building the foundation," which I HATE hearing. Anything about "foundations" makes me think that I should hide in my room and read the bible for hours and hours each day and I am REALLY bad at that.
It was food for though though, and I am realizing some other areas of my life where some good things do need to be restored and built up. So...gonna work on that.
I had a few days off this week and I go back early in the morning so this will be the first test of whether or not I can have a better attitude. Go me!
Don't get me wrong, I get along with everyone just fine, but my patience is on edge at least half of the time, and I find myself wanting to lose patience even with my customers, which is generally not like me. I feel sick of people and their whiney complaining.
Truth is however, those are a small portion of the people we deal with on a regular basis. I have always been pretty good about brushing them off....just not since I have been in San Antonio.
We'll see how it goes.
In general I can't shake this odd feeling anytime I am outside of this household, that I just don't quite click here. Like...maybe I don't belong, and I definitely do not like people as much as in Washington which genuinely surprises me. Most likely I just haven't given it enough of a chance. I am certainly going to hang in here.
Well, that is the update for this fabulous Sunday evening.
More to come...eventually! ;P
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
More on the writer's strike...
I found this insightful video on youtube, reguarding the writer's strike. Of course, it's full of things I personally already knew, but hopefully someone who reads this blog will find it helpful. In case there was any doubt as to my being 100% behind the WGA, let me just say that I wish I was in L.A. so I could drop off some donuts and tasty beverages. =)
Something else, just for sheer amusement value...
Something else, just for sheer amusement value...
Monday, November 05, 2007
Writers Strike, etc.
Yesterday I was reading a lot of very insightful information on this website: www.unitedhollywood.com
As you know if you read this blog much at all, I was interested in screenwriting for awhile. Actually, writing specifically for tv, mostly. I think it would rock. I have a few favorite writers, among those the oft mentioned Joss Whedon, and also Jane Espenson, who is linked on the side of this page.
Anyway, I definitely hope the writers get what they deserve.
I think it is pretty sad that they have to fight so hard for what they already deserve. Without them, we would never have the shows we love in the first place.
I wish I lived in New York or L.A. as I would so join them on the picket lines to show my support.
Today I have been doing the job search once again. Oh, and did I mention when I blogged last that I had checked out that church?? I really liked it.
Anyway, things are made difficult by this wretched sense of waiting. Like when you are teaching your dog manners before giving them a treat. "Waaaiiiit...wait for it.....okay now!" Except, I am still waiting for the "okay now" part.
I had a wonderful email from my friend Beth this morning. She is in Philadelphia working with Teach for America. We have been having some great dialogue...interesting comparison of cities.
I think we have taken for granted that the rest of the country is like the west. In fact, it is QUITE different.
I come from Washington...the land of "green." I do mean that in more than one way, but let's focus on the environment if you will. Not even the hard core environmental issues, but just the seemingly simple things like...recycling paper and not using styrafoam? Yeah, Texas....waaaay behind in that class. :p Not to mention the litterers!!! Good Lord!
Of course, Seattle is listed as one of the most educated cities in the nation, and my friend who works in Corpus reminded me that a lot of people here are poorly educated. Those who lack education tend to care less about environmental issues and the like, because they don't really know why they should care, and also because they often lack the financial means to get things started, or to buy more expensive "green" products.
Tis true, 'tis true.
Also, Beth told me that people in Philadelphia know of Seattle. It is recognized as the home of Starbucks, and generally thought to be somewhere in the Midwest!
:p
Interesting information.
I myself am a college dropout who barely got through high school and that astounds me. I don't consider myself to be a well educated person and even so....Wow.
Goodness. This is two posts right in a row! What in the world is going on! Jill, Lara, try not to have a heart attack! :p
As you know if you read this blog much at all, I was interested in screenwriting for awhile. Actually, writing specifically for tv, mostly. I think it would rock. I have a few favorite writers, among those the oft mentioned Joss Whedon, and also Jane Espenson, who is linked on the side of this page.
Anyway, I definitely hope the writers get what they deserve.
I think it is pretty sad that they have to fight so hard for what they already deserve. Without them, we would never have the shows we love in the first place.
I wish I lived in New York or L.A. as I would so join them on the picket lines to show my support.
Today I have been doing the job search once again. Oh, and did I mention when I blogged last that I had checked out that church?? I really liked it.
Anyway, things are made difficult by this wretched sense of waiting. Like when you are teaching your dog manners before giving them a treat. "Waaaiiiit...wait for it.....okay now!" Except, I am still waiting for the "okay now" part.
I had a wonderful email from my friend Beth this morning. She is in Philadelphia working with Teach for America. We have been having some great dialogue...interesting comparison of cities.
I think we have taken for granted that the rest of the country is like the west. In fact, it is QUITE different.
I come from Washington...the land of "green." I do mean that in more than one way, but let's focus on the environment if you will. Not even the hard core environmental issues, but just the seemingly simple things like...recycling paper and not using styrafoam? Yeah, Texas....waaaay behind in that class. :p Not to mention the litterers!!! Good Lord!
Of course, Seattle is listed as one of the most educated cities in the nation, and my friend who works in Corpus reminded me that a lot of people here are poorly educated. Those who lack education tend to care less about environmental issues and the like, because they don't really know why they should care, and also because they often lack the financial means to get things started, or to buy more expensive "green" products.
Tis true, 'tis true.
Also, Beth told me that people in Philadelphia know of Seattle. It is recognized as the home of Starbucks, and generally thought to be somewhere in the Midwest!
:p
Interesting information.
I myself am a college dropout who barely got through high school and that astounds me. I don't consider myself to be a well educated person and even so....Wow.
Goodness. This is two posts right in a row! What in the world is going on! Jill, Lara, try not to have a heart attack! :p
Saturday, November 03, 2007
My Other Life
I am a wretched blogger. Sometimes I have massive blogging phases, but let's face it, overall I suck.
I feel like all I do is complain, so since things have been rather stressful I have wanted to blog even less, afraid that it will end up sounding like a big bitch fest. What I ought to do is to make myself think of something everyday to be greatful for, and then I can blog that. I probably won't do it often, but it's a nice thought. :p
So today I checked out a new church and it was pretty cool. I am still a bit wary of church in general, but so far these guys sound really cool, and the worship was great which is a serious bonus. All of the other stuff I can do on my own at home...it's the big communal worship service I miss most.
I had a chance recently to see an old friend who I had not spoken to in five or six years. We lost touch. She now has a large family. They have also been through their own things with the church, but have managed to come through better for it. It was good to see her and her husband and family, and know that they are doing well.
Hooking up with old friends has definitely been a benefit of being here.
Lately when I am going to bed, turning off my light and praying as I lay down, the world seems to change on me. I feel as if my life is not my own. Maybe none of our lives are actually our own, but you know what I mean....you usually don't think about it that much. As soon as I can sit here and things are quiet, stuff that has been hidden throughout the day, appears suddenly before me. Now I don't mean like...all of my issues suddenly come out at night or anything like that. I am fully aware of lifes stress allll day long. :p
This is different. I start to pray and I just find these things stirring up within me. Like, I guess just having faith to pray for people and things that don't seem very hopeful on the outside. On the inside, what I feel is a completely different matter. It's as if I am part of some great idea. It feels like it is important RIGHT NOW.
Not to say that I ever thought prayer did not matter....but this is a little different than most of my prayer time. It feels like...something is going on right now, and I can be a part of it, if I will. *shrug*
In any case, I find myself praying very random things.
As usual, I cannot help but wonder at the future. As I sit here, making plans, starting to attend a new church, and meeting a potential new roommate, I find myself in a strange place. Feeling as if there is a big PAUSE button on my life right now and I am just WAITING for something. What it is, I do not know, it's just this strange feeling I have. Not always comfortable, but usually able to be ignored. I find it odd though, as my every intention was to come and get all settled in. I have peace with this city, although there are definitely a few things that make me crazy...(more on that later)!
Then again, I still love western Washington and thought I would stay there forever. hehehe.
What can I say?!
I don't live the same life as other people.
Of course, sometimes I desperately want to. :p
In the end, I suppose I would have gotten desperately bored in someone else's life. The Lord keeps moving me, keeps challenging me...
Even when I somtimes feel like I am the same stinky 19 year old I started out being, I know that I am not. Even when I feel like I complain too much and am ungreatful, I also know that hard times have taught me what it is to be greatful. I can look inside myself now and know what I am sincere or insincere.
Yup.
Life is about learning I guess. Constantly learning.
Well, that's all the rambling Amanda has in her tonight.
Goodnight my friends in the blogosphere.
I feel like all I do is complain, so since things have been rather stressful I have wanted to blog even less, afraid that it will end up sounding like a big bitch fest. What I ought to do is to make myself think of something everyday to be greatful for, and then I can blog that. I probably won't do it often, but it's a nice thought. :p
So today I checked out a new church and it was pretty cool. I am still a bit wary of church in general, but so far these guys sound really cool, and the worship was great which is a serious bonus. All of the other stuff I can do on my own at home...it's the big communal worship service I miss most.
I had a chance recently to see an old friend who I had not spoken to in five or six years. We lost touch. She now has a large family. They have also been through their own things with the church, but have managed to come through better for it. It was good to see her and her husband and family, and know that they are doing well.
Hooking up with old friends has definitely been a benefit of being here.
Lately when I am going to bed, turning off my light and praying as I lay down, the world seems to change on me. I feel as if my life is not my own. Maybe none of our lives are actually our own, but you know what I mean....you usually don't think about it that much. As soon as I can sit here and things are quiet, stuff that has been hidden throughout the day, appears suddenly before me. Now I don't mean like...all of my issues suddenly come out at night or anything like that. I am fully aware of lifes stress allll day long. :p
This is different. I start to pray and I just find these things stirring up within me. Like, I guess just having faith to pray for people and things that don't seem very hopeful on the outside. On the inside, what I feel is a completely different matter. It's as if I am part of some great idea. It feels like it is important RIGHT NOW.
Not to say that I ever thought prayer did not matter....but this is a little different than most of my prayer time. It feels like...something is going on right now, and I can be a part of it, if I will. *shrug*
In any case, I find myself praying very random things.
As usual, I cannot help but wonder at the future. As I sit here, making plans, starting to attend a new church, and meeting a potential new roommate, I find myself in a strange place. Feeling as if there is a big PAUSE button on my life right now and I am just WAITING for something. What it is, I do not know, it's just this strange feeling I have. Not always comfortable, but usually able to be ignored. I find it odd though, as my every intention was to come and get all settled in. I have peace with this city, although there are definitely a few things that make me crazy...(more on that later)!
Then again, I still love western Washington and thought I would stay there forever. hehehe.
What can I say?!
I don't live the same life as other people.
Of course, sometimes I desperately want to. :p
In the end, I suppose I would have gotten desperately bored in someone else's life. The Lord keeps moving me, keeps challenging me...
Even when I somtimes feel like I am the same stinky 19 year old I started out being, I know that I am not. Even when I feel like I complain too much and am ungreatful, I also know that hard times have taught me what it is to be greatful. I can look inside myself now and know what I am sincere or insincere.
Yup.
Life is about learning I guess. Constantly learning.
Well, that's all the rambling Amanda has in her tonight.
Goodnight my friends in the blogosphere.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
My sad, addictive relationship.
So...you see these people in these horrible situations with a friend or loved one and you think; "that could never be me." Well, at least you HOPE it could never be you.
Somehow though, I have had a revelation. I have been in a terrible relationship for the past 30 years. That's right, 30 years (...or damn close!).
What happens is this; I get my hopes up. It's simple really.
It started out innocently. I was too young to know what was happening in the beginning. Once I started going to school, my friend was there, every September, with the false promise of a new day. Everything seemed fresh with potential. Usually, that was not to be. At first we would be fine. We would get along as friends do. We would hang out together on the weekends and an occassional weekday evening. It could be fun. There would be jumping and shouting and general revelry. We would also go through hard times together...a bad tumble, a twisted ankle, unkind words from those who misunderstood us.
Through it all, I was a good friend.
I was a faithful friend.
I defended their name against those who would trample on it.
I was there for them.
I have come to realize that our relationship has been more ugly than nice. Every year I have hope that things will change. There have even been moments when this seemed to be the case. Years where my friend was seemingly transformed, where they failed to dissappoint or let me down. A couple of years ago I even thought we were golden. Everything seemed to be all better. The years ahead were filled with promise...but that promise has not been fulfilled!
In general, it has been one heartache after another. My heart is constantly being ripped out and handed to me on a platter!! Just when I think I am over it and I don't care anymore, I find myself coming back!! It's like I just can't stop! I tell myself not to give in, but after all these years that is nearly impossible.
Then, tonight, it was almost more than I could bear!
We were set up for a VERY promising evening. Things were looking good. Even the naysayers were confident we could work things out.
Then, it happened...
Stutz, the new guy, fumbled the snap.
There was no coming back after the touchdown that resulted from that little piece of football idiocy.
How does a team that can be as great as ours can, lose to a team that has NOT WON A GAME ALL SEASON?!?!?!?!
Okay, in all honesty, the game is not over yet.
In fact, we still have the entire 4th quarter to pull this game out of our ass.
Even so, it's 28 to 10.
It's been a painful display so far, and I was already reeling with the shame of last weeks loss.
Once again, things are taking a turn for the worst.
That' right folks, I am a Seahawks fan.
Born and bred in Washington state, how could I be otherwise?
It's no wonder my life can be so dreary.
Perhaps I have absorbed the curse of my team??
I mean, hell, the one year we go to the Superbowl, noone even takes us seriously, and then the Ref's completely screw us anyway.
Rawr.
If it weren't for Brett Favre and his rookie Packers to brighten my day, I would be in the middle of my third pint of Cider and getting ready to shave my head.
*sigh*
Ahhh....football season. How I both love (and later loathe) your appearance every fall.
Somehow though, I have had a revelation. I have been in a terrible relationship for the past 30 years. That's right, 30 years (...or damn close!).
What happens is this; I get my hopes up. It's simple really.
It started out innocently. I was too young to know what was happening in the beginning. Once I started going to school, my friend was there, every September, with the false promise of a new day. Everything seemed fresh with potential. Usually, that was not to be. At first we would be fine. We would get along as friends do. We would hang out together on the weekends and an occassional weekday evening. It could be fun. There would be jumping and shouting and general revelry. We would also go through hard times together...a bad tumble, a twisted ankle, unkind words from those who misunderstood us.
Through it all, I was a good friend.
I was a faithful friend.
I defended their name against those who would trample on it.
I was there for them.
I have come to realize that our relationship has been more ugly than nice. Every year I have hope that things will change. There have even been moments when this seemed to be the case. Years where my friend was seemingly transformed, where they failed to dissappoint or let me down. A couple of years ago I even thought we were golden. Everything seemed to be all better. The years ahead were filled with promise...but that promise has not been fulfilled!
In general, it has been one heartache after another. My heart is constantly being ripped out and handed to me on a platter!! Just when I think I am over it and I don't care anymore, I find myself coming back!! It's like I just can't stop! I tell myself not to give in, but after all these years that is nearly impossible.
Then, tonight, it was almost more than I could bear!
We were set up for a VERY promising evening. Things were looking good. Even the naysayers were confident we could work things out.
Then, it happened...
Stutz, the new guy, fumbled the snap.
There was no coming back after the touchdown that resulted from that little piece of football idiocy.
How does a team that can be as great as ours can, lose to a team that has NOT WON A GAME ALL SEASON?!?!?!?!
Okay, in all honesty, the game is not over yet.
In fact, we still have the entire 4th quarter to pull this game out of our ass.
Even so, it's 28 to 10.
It's been a painful display so far, and I was already reeling with the shame of last weeks loss.
Once again, things are taking a turn for the worst.
That' right folks, I am a Seahawks fan.
Born and bred in Washington state, how could I be otherwise?
It's no wonder my life can be so dreary.
Perhaps I have absorbed the curse of my team??
I mean, hell, the one year we go to the Superbowl, noone even takes us seriously, and then the Ref's completely screw us anyway.
Rawr.
If it weren't for Brett Favre and his rookie Packers to brighten my day, I would be in the middle of my third pint of Cider and getting ready to shave my head.
*sigh*
Ahhh....football season. How I both love (and later loathe) your appearance every fall.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Oh Humanity. Sometimes I loathe You.
I'm bored.
Okay, so I worked early this morning and drank waaaay too many shots of espresso. It made things a little bit more entertaining though. Unfortunately since I worked early, I also got off early. Which means of course, that I had a whole lot of today left to find something to do. There just wasn't really anything to do.
I am attempting to hide in my house so that I don't have to spend money on anything, including gas, since I can barely even pay my rent.
So, sometime early this afternoon I attempted to take a nice long nap. I even dozed off for around 20 minutes, but then something happened to wake me up and I just laid there thinking about things I didn't need to think about.
I should have gotten up right then and sent somebody an email, or made a phone call to someone far away, but did I?? Nope.
I just laid there and kept thinking.
My brain wandered into territories best left unexplored.
It contemplated things that are far from happening.
I got a little frustrated at my lack of patience in certain areas of life.
I also thought about an old friend, who now has six children. Count them S-I-X.
She and I have not spoken for a long time and she has been chasing a herd of rugrats for those years, while I have become more of a hermit and enjoyed my individuality way too much. I was recently presented with her long missing email and I wrote to her, but I wonder if I will even be able to relate anymore. Most of my friends are married and lots have kids...just not that many. lol. I do fine playing with families, it's just a bit out of my sphere. I sometimes feel like a big dumb alien. Like, I don't quite get it. I was held back a grade or five.
:p
Luckily, I do like children, even if I am undecided on having any.
I let my brain wander into the realm of old relationships, which again was best left in that dark, musty corner it inhabits in my memories.
It gets me into trouble when I dig it out. All those dust particles and things make a heck of a mess all over Amanda's tender pshyche...Or however you spell that word.
I've come to realize that I am quite possibly insane.
I am of of those crazy people that show up on television dramas. The ones who have left reality far behind and live in some universe of their own making.
I ponder things in my life that other people have entirely moved on from.
I hope for things that seem completely illogical, and yet I cannot help myself.
Quite possibly it is more appropriate to say that I am just a damn fool.
When all is well I create ways to get my heart broken.
For some reason I just can't get my heart broken in normal up-to-date ways like everyone else. Oh no, I have to get creative. :p
Ahh, who knows.
There is a God, and He randomly created this foolish girl named Amanda. So, maybe in some unexpected divine intervention, I will get what I hope for.
Otherwise I have at least been blessed with tremendous adventures and friends along my way.
I should write a book about that. heh.
Okay, so I worked early this morning and drank waaaay too many shots of espresso. It made things a little bit more entertaining though. Unfortunately since I worked early, I also got off early. Which means of course, that I had a whole lot of today left to find something to do. There just wasn't really anything to do.
I am attempting to hide in my house so that I don't have to spend money on anything, including gas, since I can barely even pay my rent.
So, sometime early this afternoon I attempted to take a nice long nap. I even dozed off for around 20 minutes, but then something happened to wake me up and I just laid there thinking about things I didn't need to think about.
I should have gotten up right then and sent somebody an email, or made a phone call to someone far away, but did I?? Nope.
I just laid there and kept thinking.
My brain wandered into territories best left unexplored.
It contemplated things that are far from happening.
I got a little frustrated at my lack of patience in certain areas of life.
I also thought about an old friend, who now has six children. Count them S-I-X.
She and I have not spoken for a long time and she has been chasing a herd of rugrats for those years, while I have become more of a hermit and enjoyed my individuality way too much. I was recently presented with her long missing email and I wrote to her, but I wonder if I will even be able to relate anymore. Most of my friends are married and lots have kids...just not that many. lol. I do fine playing with families, it's just a bit out of my sphere. I sometimes feel like a big dumb alien. Like, I don't quite get it. I was held back a grade or five.
:p
Luckily, I do like children, even if I am undecided on having any.
I let my brain wander into the realm of old relationships, which again was best left in that dark, musty corner it inhabits in my memories.
It gets me into trouble when I dig it out. All those dust particles and things make a heck of a mess all over Amanda's tender pshyche...Or however you spell that word.
I've come to realize that I am quite possibly insane.
I am of of those crazy people that show up on television dramas. The ones who have left reality far behind and live in some universe of their own making.
I ponder things in my life that other people have entirely moved on from.
I hope for things that seem completely illogical, and yet I cannot help myself.
Quite possibly it is more appropriate to say that I am just a damn fool.
When all is well I create ways to get my heart broken.
For some reason I just can't get my heart broken in normal up-to-date ways like everyone else. Oh no, I have to get creative. :p
Ahh, who knows.
There is a God, and He randomly created this foolish girl named Amanda. So, maybe in some unexpected divine intervention, I will get what I hope for.
Otherwise I have at least been blessed with tremendous adventures and friends along my way.
I should write a book about that. heh.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sometimes by Faith..
Apparently it is back to school season, because generally after I post (especially when I haven't posted in awhile) Lara and Jill are right there with a comment, as if they had been staring at the computer, willing it to show an updated post! Hopefully I will be able to be a little better now.
Anyway, hey girls.
So here I am, in San Antonio. Things are going pretty good as I mentioned before. It helps to have friends here.
I came here by faith. I felt like there was a reason, although I did not know what it was. I still feel that way, but I know the purpose may not be revealed for some time. That is sometimes the way things are. Even so, I have the most incredible faith I've had in such a very long time. I don't let myself dwell on the negative, and I try to keep myself going, try to keep my drive up. It has had its moments, but in general has been great. The weather is different, the scenery is different, the grocery stores are different....Let's face it, it's sometimes like another country! Still, I feel good. I know I am supposed to be here. I am doing just fine.
The other day I was hanging out with my friends, and I can't remember what we were talking about, or what specifically brought it up, but I found myself going; "Whoa! have I been living in a cave?!" I just felt like...I had lived in such a sheltered cocoon for so long, that the world outside of it was still feeling very foreign.
I am not saying it's all bad. I worked for a couple of Christian non-profits and both were a great experience, and even all the years I worked with a college age ministry were valuable, even though some of that time just made me feel mad and other times numb. They were all good lessons that formed me.
I do feel, however, as if I had lost some sense of reality while I was in there. When I was younger I think I balanced a little better, even though I had NO idea I was doing so, and was ultimately floundering in the dark.
It's amazing when we look back, at the things we did better, even in immaturity. haha! Oh, we think we are so much older and wiser now!! :p
Anyway, here I am. I am praying. I am believing in good things...and I am trying to keep balance. I am trying to be comfortable among people again, who live outside of my safe little bubble. Just appreciate them and learn to love them.
I am praying for my friend and that good things will be restored to him.
Beyond that....well, there is not much beyond that right now!
If anything interesting comes up, I will be sure to let you know. ;)
Anyway, hey girls.
So here I am, in San Antonio. Things are going pretty good as I mentioned before. It helps to have friends here.
I came here by faith. I felt like there was a reason, although I did not know what it was. I still feel that way, but I know the purpose may not be revealed for some time. That is sometimes the way things are. Even so, I have the most incredible faith I've had in such a very long time. I don't let myself dwell on the negative, and I try to keep myself going, try to keep my drive up. It has had its moments, but in general has been great. The weather is different, the scenery is different, the grocery stores are different....Let's face it, it's sometimes like another country! Still, I feel good. I know I am supposed to be here. I am doing just fine.
The other day I was hanging out with my friends, and I can't remember what we were talking about, or what specifically brought it up, but I found myself going; "Whoa! have I been living in a cave?!" I just felt like...I had lived in such a sheltered cocoon for so long, that the world outside of it was still feeling very foreign.
I am not saying it's all bad. I worked for a couple of Christian non-profits and both were a great experience, and even all the years I worked with a college age ministry were valuable, even though some of that time just made me feel mad and other times numb. They were all good lessons that formed me.
I do feel, however, as if I had lost some sense of reality while I was in there. When I was younger I think I balanced a little better, even though I had NO idea I was doing so, and was ultimately floundering in the dark.
It's amazing when we look back, at the things we did better, even in immaturity. haha! Oh, we think we are so much older and wiser now!! :p
Anyway, here I am. I am praying. I am believing in good things...and I am trying to keep balance. I am trying to be comfortable among people again, who live outside of my safe little bubble. Just appreciate them and learn to love them.
I am praying for my friend and that good things will be restored to him.
Beyond that....well, there is not much beyond that right now!
If anything interesting comes up, I will be sure to let you know. ;)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Here I am, Oh here I am...
Yes, I am here in San Antooooonio!
It's warm, but not too warm thank goodness. Adjusting to the humidity has so far been easier than expected. Phew!
I am sure everyone wants to know all about Texas and how things are going, but I really want to talk about football. lol
Okay, okay, it's going fine. Everything is fine. It's great to see my friends. We have been hanging out a lot and it's been really really good. Buuuttt...more on that later. hehe.
Did you SEE how my Seahawks squeaked out a win yesterday?!?! Okay, yes, it WAS "squeaked" but even so, they won. =) Happy Amanda.
Even BETTER, the PACKERS won too! Brett Favre and his little band of rookies are kicking so much more ass than anyone thought them capable of, and I am LOOOOVING it. Plus, he tied Dan Marino for the career touchdown pass record!!
Go him!!! =)
I love that guy!!
I love football season. =)
It's true, I do sometimes get a little too into it, and a little stressed out about it...but that's just because I love it so much. :p
So, in horrible and wretched news, I have to talk about my football goodness because it covers up my terrible feelings over the loss of James Rigney, aka Robert Jordan!! =(
He passed away on the 16th and I didn't even know until like five days later!!!! Where were my friends?!?! Why didn't they call me?!?! JOE! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!
I actually passed the dreaded news onto a couple of people myself.
Why, oh why, Lord God in Heaven, could he NOT have just finished that ONE. LAST. BOOK! before he left us?!?!?! Okay, okay, yes, I am sad for his wife Harriet, and his cousin, and all other family members...I am sad that his life was cut short. I really am. Even though he did not die in pain, and believed in God's timing...
Still...
Moiraine is now going to be trapped in the tower of Gengei forever. Who's going to rescue her?!?!?! It just won't be the same if whoever George R.R. Martin thinks should rescue her, rescues her...or anybody else's opinion for that matter!!! Rawr.
Now I have even more incentive to get to heaven. Until I die, I will NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
*pout*
Okay, yes, SOMEONE is going to finish A Memory of Light, and they might even do an okay job...but it will still be like...Mercedes Lackey finishing the Lord of the Rings. Just not quite acceptable. Just not even close to the same. =(
In response to all of this wretched horribleness, all I can say to console myself is; GO BRETT FAVRE!!! KICK SOME ASS ROOKIE PACKERS!!!!
It's warm, but not too warm thank goodness. Adjusting to the humidity has so far been easier than expected. Phew!
I am sure everyone wants to know all about Texas and how things are going, but I really want to talk about football. lol
Okay, okay, it's going fine. Everything is fine. It's great to see my friends. We have been hanging out a lot and it's been really really good. Buuuttt...more on that later. hehe.
Did you SEE how my Seahawks squeaked out a win yesterday?!?! Okay, yes, it WAS "squeaked" but even so, they won. =) Happy Amanda.
Even BETTER, the PACKERS won too! Brett Favre and his little band of rookies are kicking so much more ass than anyone thought them capable of, and I am LOOOOVING it. Plus, he tied Dan Marino for the career touchdown pass record!!
Go him!!! =)
I love that guy!!
I love football season. =)
It's true, I do sometimes get a little too into it, and a little stressed out about it...but that's just because I love it so much. :p
So, in horrible and wretched news, I have to talk about my football goodness because it covers up my terrible feelings over the loss of James Rigney, aka Robert Jordan!! =(
He passed away on the 16th and I didn't even know until like five days later!!!! Where were my friends?!?! Why didn't they call me?!?! JOE! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!
I actually passed the dreaded news onto a couple of people myself.
Why, oh why, Lord God in Heaven, could he NOT have just finished that ONE. LAST. BOOK! before he left us?!?!?! Okay, okay, yes, I am sad for his wife Harriet, and his cousin, and all other family members...I am sad that his life was cut short. I really am. Even though he did not die in pain, and believed in God's timing...
Still...
Moiraine is now going to be trapped in the tower of Gengei forever. Who's going to rescue her?!?!?! It just won't be the same if whoever George R.R. Martin thinks should rescue her, rescues her...or anybody else's opinion for that matter!!! Rawr.
Now I have even more incentive to get to heaven. Until I die, I will NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
*pout*
Okay, yes, SOMEONE is going to finish A Memory of Light, and they might even do an okay job...but it will still be like...Mercedes Lackey finishing the Lord of the Rings. Just not quite acceptable. Just not even close to the same. =(
In response to all of this wretched horribleness, all I can say to console myself is; GO BRETT FAVRE!!! KICK SOME ASS ROOKIE PACKERS!!!!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Go ahead Armadillo. Try to hide.
One more day.
To accomplish things in Washington that is.
I will be in Spokane on Wednesday, true, and I might accomplish a couple of things while I am there...but tomorrow is pretty much my last solid day for anything on the west side, and for most of those last minutes little details.
Today my car went to the shop. It was leaking oil like...and I quote..."the Exxon Valdez." Also my power steering pump was shot and spewing forth its contents to the four corners of my engine. You will be happy to know that not only are these things fixed, but that I now have some nifty new spark plugs and wiper blades, and freshly flushed coolant. =)
In Spokane I am going to buy a new set of tires (cheaper there) and then I will hopefully be set to go.
Okay, so today was a FABULOUS day. I hung out with my girls from Starbucks and it was so chill!! We took my friends jeep (LAAA!!!!!) and drove around Puget Sound. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Sun was out, but it wasn't too hot. After our nice drive and some time chilling at home, we went to Jimmy Mack's and had a drink. It was lovely.
Then, I went home and met Lance & Jeni and we went out to an awesome Italian dinner, complete with wine and creme brulee. The good conversation was the best part.
Of course, Jeni wanted to know who the guy was that I was moving to Texas for. haha. I assured her that I was NOT moving to Texas for a guy, as I don't know any guys who actually *live* in Texas. I don't think she was very convinced.
I have tried to assure my friends that I have no idea why I am moving to Texas, but Lance says that he thinks I am scheming. *shrug*
Time will tell. *wink wink*
In any case, today was fabulous. Despite the car issues, I have a lot of peace. I had an excellent day with friends, just relaxing and enjoying them. Those are the best kind of days in my opinion. Now I just have to get everything finished and make sure I am set to go.
Later taters!
To accomplish things in Washington that is.
I will be in Spokane on Wednesday, true, and I might accomplish a couple of things while I am there...but tomorrow is pretty much my last solid day for anything on the west side, and for most of those last minutes little details.
Today my car went to the shop. It was leaking oil like...and I quote..."the Exxon Valdez." Also my power steering pump was shot and spewing forth its contents to the four corners of my engine. You will be happy to know that not only are these things fixed, but that I now have some nifty new spark plugs and wiper blades, and freshly flushed coolant. =)
In Spokane I am going to buy a new set of tires (cheaper there) and then I will hopefully be set to go.
Okay, so today was a FABULOUS day. I hung out with my girls from Starbucks and it was so chill!! We took my friends jeep (LAAA!!!!!) and drove around Puget Sound. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Sun was out, but it wasn't too hot. After our nice drive and some time chilling at home, we went to Jimmy Mack's and had a drink. It was lovely.
Then, I went home and met Lance & Jeni and we went out to an awesome Italian dinner, complete with wine and creme brulee. The good conversation was the best part.
Of course, Jeni wanted to know who the guy was that I was moving to Texas for. haha. I assured her that I was NOT moving to Texas for a guy, as I don't know any guys who actually *live* in Texas. I don't think she was very convinced.
I have tried to assure my friends that I have no idea why I am moving to Texas, but Lance says that he thinks I am scheming. *shrug*
Time will tell. *wink wink*
In any case, today was fabulous. Despite the car issues, I have a lot of peace. I had an excellent day with friends, just relaxing and enjoying them. Those are the best kind of days in my opinion. Now I just have to get everything finished and make sure I am set to go.
Later taters!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Yee Haw!
So, this past week I worked several twelve hour days, and after that went home to pack, sort, and clean out my apartment. My lease was up on Friday.
By the grace of God, and two awesome friends named Brittany and DaLona, I managed to get out of there in time....barely.
Of course, that wasn't without a great deal of hard work and sleep deprivation. I have been a bit zombie-ish of late. This morning I slept in for a long time, and even after I woke up I just laid around and let my mind wander.
It was nice to have some quiet time with my thoughts. =)
It's 4:30 on Sunday and I need to go dig some things out of my car and sort through them, but I really don't want to. My car is currently loaded up with nearly everything I kept from my apartment. It's like I am driving my house around. hahaha. I am staying with my friends that I used to live with until I fly to San Antonio on Saturday (the 8th). I return to Washington on the 11th. If everything goes well while I am there, then I will just turn around and drive back down. Terrifying?? Pretty much.
A couple of days ago I talked to Mary, my friend Daniel's mom, and it made me soooo glad!!! She told me that the guest room was all ready for me, but that she is not cleaning the house because I am family!! lol! She also told me that when I get there I better just make myself at home because I am family!!! =)I was feeling the love!
She told me there are a lot of great churches to choose from nearby, and that she said to her family; "Maybe it takes Amanda moving here to get us to go to church once in awhile!"
Talking to her was great and made me more excited to visit, and less scared to move.
For those of you who are asking yourselves; Why on EARTH is Amanda moving to Texas, I assure you, not even Amanda is completely sure of the answer to that question. hehe. In any case, I am hopeful for the future even if it is frightening. ;)
It's hard enough to move 2000 miles away from the state and weather one loves, so keep your snarky comments to yourself. lol!
Well, there's an update, if a not very exciting one. I'll try to write again before I fly away on Saturday. I'm not promising anything!
=)
**Currently listening to: Anberlin:Never Take Friendship Personal**
By the grace of God, and two awesome friends named Brittany and DaLona, I managed to get out of there in time....barely.
Of course, that wasn't without a great deal of hard work and sleep deprivation. I have been a bit zombie-ish of late. This morning I slept in for a long time, and even after I woke up I just laid around and let my mind wander.
It was nice to have some quiet time with my thoughts. =)
It's 4:30 on Sunday and I need to go dig some things out of my car and sort through them, but I really don't want to. My car is currently loaded up with nearly everything I kept from my apartment. It's like I am driving my house around. hahaha. I am staying with my friends that I used to live with until I fly to San Antonio on Saturday (the 8th). I return to Washington on the 11th. If everything goes well while I am there, then I will just turn around and drive back down. Terrifying?? Pretty much.
A couple of days ago I talked to Mary, my friend Daniel's mom, and it made me soooo glad!!! She told me that the guest room was all ready for me, but that she is not cleaning the house because I am family!! lol! She also told me that when I get there I better just make myself at home because I am family!!! =)I was feeling the love!
She told me there are a lot of great churches to choose from nearby, and that she said to her family; "Maybe it takes Amanda moving here to get us to go to church once in awhile!"
Talking to her was great and made me more excited to visit, and less scared to move.
For those of you who are asking yourselves; Why on EARTH is Amanda moving to Texas, I assure you, not even Amanda is completely sure of the answer to that question. hehe. In any case, I am hopeful for the future even if it is frightening. ;)
It's hard enough to move 2000 miles away from the state and weather one loves, so keep your snarky comments to yourself. lol!
Well, there's an update, if a not very exciting one. I'll try to write again before I fly away on Saturday. I'm not promising anything!
=)
**Currently listening to: Anberlin:Never Take Friendship Personal**
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
To Texas, or not To Texas
Yes, I am thinking about moving again, for all yous who are unaware. :p
You know I have considered it before, so it shouldn't be any major surprise. I don't want to hear anything about how there are no maple trees in Texas either!! lol! Please! Don't make it any harder than it already is to leave the grey, rainy emerald city!
One just needs to do what one feels led to do!! So there!
Anyway...
I am going to visit some friends in San Antonio on the 8th. I have not seen them for a very long time, and it is going to be soooo fabulous! Plus, my very wonderful Becky is going to drive over from Corpus to hang out with us, and that is going to be so great I can't even stand it!!!
On top of all of those things, if I am reeaallllyyy lucky (or something), I might even get to talk to Jason on the phone, which, yes, will be weird after nine years of silence. I won't know what to say, and I might have a heart attack or at least burst a blood vessel, but it will still be good. =) One way or another.
If you have any questions about who in the freaking heck Jason is, you have apparently not been reading this blog long enough, as he has been mentioned in the past year, on more than one occassion!! See my crazy after christmas posts, or maybe the interview I did with Lara. They are out there. I tell you so!
In any case, I would expound, but I am not really feeling like going there right now.
This is pretty much all you need to know...(A quick sum up)...
16/Jason/Smooching/18/Friends/Heartache/Prayers for Salvation/Good times/19/Same/Love Me!!/Crazy About You!!/Lots more prayers/Tears/Jen & Daniel/Everyone moving/Amanda pursuing another path
Fast Forward...
30/Dream/Prayer/Why am I thinking about you out of the blue?!/Divorce/Pain/Random reconnect with J & D/More Prayers/More Tears/More Pain/He Really cared about me back then/31/A small question creeps in!/Lots More Prayers!/Maybe one day?/Who knows?/Amanda's heart is lame and should be hiding under the bed, but instead is retardedly letting itself wander into the realm of what if?!/SIGH.
If that makes any sense, then yay for your powers of deduction.
=)
Anyway, I promise to try and be better about letting you know what in the bleep is going on. hehe.
I have been sort of a horrible slacker of late!!
But hey, on the bright side, if I move to Texas, I will miss everyone, and therefore have to spend more time online.
*wink wink*
Cheers!
(Damn you Ryan! :p )
You know I have considered it before, so it shouldn't be any major surprise. I don't want to hear anything about how there are no maple trees in Texas either!! lol! Please! Don't make it any harder than it already is to leave the grey, rainy emerald city!
One just needs to do what one feels led to do!! So there!
Anyway...
I am going to visit some friends in San Antonio on the 8th. I have not seen them for a very long time, and it is going to be soooo fabulous! Plus, my very wonderful Becky is going to drive over from Corpus to hang out with us, and that is going to be so great I can't even stand it!!!
On top of all of those things, if I am reeaallllyyy lucky (or something), I might even get to talk to Jason on the phone, which, yes, will be weird after nine years of silence. I won't know what to say, and I might have a heart attack or at least burst a blood vessel, but it will still be good. =) One way or another.
If you have any questions about who in the freaking heck Jason is, you have apparently not been reading this blog long enough, as he has been mentioned in the past year, on more than one occassion!! See my crazy after christmas posts, or maybe the interview I did with Lara. They are out there. I tell you so!
In any case, I would expound, but I am not really feeling like going there right now.
This is pretty much all you need to know...(A quick sum up)...
16/Jason/Smooching/18/Friends/Heartache/Prayers for Salvation/Good times/19/Same/Love Me!!/Crazy About You!!/Lots more prayers/Tears/Jen & Daniel/Everyone moving/Amanda pursuing another path
Fast Forward...
30/Dream/Prayer/Why am I thinking about you out of the blue?!/Divorce/Pain/Random reconnect with J & D/More Prayers/More Tears/More Pain/He Really cared about me back then/31/A small question creeps in!/Lots More Prayers!/Maybe one day?/Who knows?/Amanda's heart is lame and should be hiding under the bed, but instead is retardedly letting itself wander into the realm of what if?!/SIGH.
If that makes any sense, then yay for your powers of deduction.
=)
Anyway, I promise to try and be better about letting you know what in the bleep is going on. hehe.
I have been sort of a horrible slacker of late!!
But hey, on the bright side, if I move to Texas, I will miss everyone, and therefore have to spend more time online.
*wink wink*
Cheers!
(Damn you Ryan! :p )
Monday, August 13, 2007
Crazy...and bored.
Yes, yes, it has been like a million years since I posted, I know. Jill even left me a message this weekend to try and lure me in (it worked by the way, as you can see..).
I am just in a crazy frame of mind and haven't felt like writing about it I guess.
I am getting bored at my job. Big surprise, I know, but I just thought that would not happen. lol.
I am feeling good in general though...I really can't complain about anything.
I am going to San Antonio next month to see some friends that I have been neglecting for far too long. I think I am also going there to face my past. Grr. I obviously still have some things to work out. Ugh. Nothing like a good heartache to get you going. HA! I am so not serious about that!!
Oh my LANTA I get bored too easily. I should have never left Starbucks. I should have worked there until I died. lol!!!
They kept me running around like a maniac, which apparently is the only way I can function. :p
But you know, I just get like this sometimes. Restless. Antsy.
Things are good though, and I am not complaining. Hopefully I am over that bitching stage of life for awhile. I am just going with it. Here or there, to or fro, wherever it leads me next, I will do it with a smile on.
=)
I am just in a crazy frame of mind and haven't felt like writing about it I guess.
I am getting bored at my job. Big surprise, I know, but I just thought that would not happen. lol.
I am feeling good in general though...I really can't complain about anything.
I am going to San Antonio next month to see some friends that I have been neglecting for far too long. I think I am also going there to face my past. Grr. I obviously still have some things to work out. Ugh. Nothing like a good heartache to get you going. HA! I am so not serious about that!!
Oh my LANTA I get bored too easily. I should have never left Starbucks. I should have worked there until I died. lol!!!
They kept me running around like a maniac, which apparently is the only way I can function. :p
But you know, I just get like this sometimes. Restless. Antsy.
Things are good though, and I am not complaining. Hopefully I am over that bitching stage of life for awhile. I am just going with it. Here or there, to or fro, wherever it leads me next, I will do it with a smile on.
=)
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday the 13th...
It was a good day.
Karla has two, lovely, NEARLY 7LB bouncing babies. She had a c-section at 10am this morning London time. (2am here in Washington)
I am stoked!!!
Also, little sister is officially un-engaged. Big sister is happy because she made a wise decision. Also, he didn't love Jesus, and I am sorry...you can believe whatever you want and I will still like you...but my sister is a believer and I thought she should be with someone who was like minded.
Work was good today, and the insane part of my week has once again ended without me bursting a blood vessel. =) Always a bonus!!
I am tired as heck and have a lot on my brain, but once again I have survived until Friday night.
The weather here is LOVELY!! It wasn't too hot today, just nice, and it is still warm. I love warm summer evenings.
I have friends whom I adore and all around I feel that life is very good. I like to roll with that feeling while I have it, ya know?!
Anyway, despite being in a fabulous mood, I am completely wiped out, and although I get to sleep in a bit, I still have to work at 9am tomorrow so I really must go to bed.
Adios!
Karla has two, lovely, NEARLY 7LB bouncing babies. She had a c-section at 10am this morning London time. (2am here in Washington)
I am stoked!!!
Also, little sister is officially un-engaged. Big sister is happy because she made a wise decision. Also, he didn't love Jesus, and I am sorry...you can believe whatever you want and I will still like you...but my sister is a believer and I thought she should be with someone who was like minded.
Work was good today, and the insane part of my week has once again ended without me bursting a blood vessel. =) Always a bonus!!
I am tired as heck and have a lot on my brain, but once again I have survived until Friday night.
The weather here is LOVELY!! It wasn't too hot today, just nice, and it is still warm. I love warm summer evenings.
I have friends whom I adore and all around I feel that life is very good. I like to roll with that feeling while I have it, ya know?!
Anyway, despite being in a fabulous mood, I am completely wiped out, and although I get to sleep in a bit, I still have to work at 9am tomorrow so I really must go to bed.
Adios!
Monday, July 09, 2007
So I am trying to type a title for this blog, but it won't let me click into that little box. How lame is that?
Well kids, sorry for my disappearance, but I am just not feeling the bloggyness of late. Possibly due to physical pain, followed by I-am-so-damn-busy-I-can-hardly-stand-it!!!! Although, look! I have a day off now and I am actually posting!!! Wooo! Wonders will never cease!
So work is going well, but busy, and I am just somewhere in the clouds right now. My brain is MIA. I didn't even know what to do having an entire day off to myself, so I went and got a haircut and let some lady at Macy's put way too much eye make-up on me. Good times.
I was going to go to church since I haven't been in ages, but then I was exhausted so I slept in. I really needed that actually, after everything.
Currently I am trying to figure out the living situation. My lease is up next month and rent is going up...not that I really want to stay here anyway...so I am hoping to find a roommate or something much cheaper. We shall see. It's not looking terribly promising at the moment, but you just never can tell.
I hope all is well out there in cyberland. I am sure your lives are terribly more exciting than mine this summer.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Well kids, sorry for my disappearance, but I am just not feeling the bloggyness of late. Possibly due to physical pain, followed by I-am-so-damn-busy-I-can-hardly-stand-it!!!! Although, look! I have a day off now and I am actually posting!!! Wooo! Wonders will never cease!
So work is going well, but busy, and I am just somewhere in the clouds right now. My brain is MIA. I didn't even know what to do having an entire day off to myself, so I went and got a haircut and let some lady at Macy's put way too much eye make-up on me. Good times.
I was going to go to church since I haven't been in ages, but then I was exhausted so I slept in. I really needed that actually, after everything.
Currently I am trying to figure out the living situation. My lease is up next month and rent is going up...not that I really want to stay here anyway...so I am hoping to find a roommate or something much cheaper. We shall see. It's not looking terribly promising at the moment, but you just never can tell.
I hope all is well out there in cyberland. I am sure your lives are terribly more exciting than mine this summer.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
It's Hard to Chew a Burger When Your Mouth is All Swolled Up
=)
Okay, so disreguard everything I said in that last post about it "not being so bad." It was horrible.
Okay, Friday and Saturday were a breeze, and I was thinking; "Is this it?" Umm..it wasn't it.
About 4am Sunday morning I woke up in about the worst pain I have ever been in in my life, medically speaking. Not only my mouth hurt, but my entire jaw was tight and in agony. I had the most excrutiating headache in my temples that I have ever had before. It made me nauseous.
I had to get up and eat something, so that I could take a couple of pills and slip back into blissful sleep (eventually anyway).
Somehow I managed to survive that horrible day, only to face it again on Monday. Except, dear friends, on Monday, my painkillers chose 'such a time as this' to make me incredibly ill, at which time (around noon give or take) I started to throw up, and continued doing so all. day. long. This was despite the fact that I stopped taking absolutely everything the first time. I was still throwing up right before I went to bed around midnight. So much for going back to work THAT day! haha.
Tuesday, my headache was still excrutiating, and it had now been nearly 24 hours with no drugs, and I was afraid to eat anything. Boys and Girls, I HATE to throw up. More than just about anything.
So I laid in my bed as long as possible before finally venturing into the unsafe territory of applesauce. After three hours, despite the fact that I was still wracked with nausea, I hadn't lost it yet, so I decided to graduate up to a bit of oatmeal.
My head was about ready to explode, like those aliens in "Mars Attacks," when they hear Slim Pickins. I wouldn't dare to even take ibuprofen though, because I knew it would never stay where I put it!
Eventually I survived the whole day, and my friend came over last night to take me to the store, where I bought Sprite, fried chicken, and saltines. I know you are thinking why fried chicken?! It eases my stomache, however weird that sounds, and as hard as it was to get down it was worth every bite. Plus, I ate a lot of saltines last night. Eventually, just before bed, my stomache felt about as close to level as I thought it was going to get, so I took some ibuprofen and went to bed.
You will be happy to know I feel much better today.
I still have a headache, but I have been able to take a little ibuprofen to keep it at bay.
My incisions don't really hurt much, they are just annoying, and I have vowed to never take oxycodone again as long as I live.
Aside from the stomache blahs, I also kept seeing flashes from 'The Color Purple' that made no sense and shouldn't have been traumatizing, and feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare that was never going to end. Literally.
It also took two days for my pupils to dialate back to a normal size.
Today at work someone told me they can never take that stuff because it gives them crazy dreams and I was like...AH HA! I did feel a little paranoid as well, I confess. I was having my doubts that my water supply isn't in fact poisoned, and that my dishwashing detergent hasn't slowly been making me ill.
I'm better now. Well, mostly. My stomache is still a tad ruffled, and my mouth isn't working 100% correctly, but I am going to retire early and possibly watch some lame marathon of Miami Ink, or one of those tattoo shows that I love for no apparent reason. This, I am confident, will help me recover. =)
At least I am well enough to even look at my laptop. I was avoiding it for a few days. I was pretty much avoiding everything that included getting out of bed. You'd think I wouldn't want to lay down again, but it's amazing how fighting off pain can make you tired.
So there you have it, Amanda's grand wisdom teeth adventure!!
I'll try to reappear again sometime soon for more hilarity.
Okay, so disreguard everything I said in that last post about it "not being so bad." It was horrible.
Okay, Friday and Saturday were a breeze, and I was thinking; "Is this it?" Umm..it wasn't it.
About 4am Sunday morning I woke up in about the worst pain I have ever been in in my life, medically speaking. Not only my mouth hurt, but my entire jaw was tight and in agony. I had the most excrutiating headache in my temples that I have ever had before. It made me nauseous.
I had to get up and eat something, so that I could take a couple of pills and slip back into blissful sleep (eventually anyway).
Somehow I managed to survive that horrible day, only to face it again on Monday. Except, dear friends, on Monday, my painkillers chose 'such a time as this' to make me incredibly ill, at which time (around noon give or take) I started to throw up, and continued doing so all. day. long. This was despite the fact that I stopped taking absolutely everything the first time. I was still throwing up right before I went to bed around midnight. So much for going back to work THAT day! haha.
Tuesday, my headache was still excrutiating, and it had now been nearly 24 hours with no drugs, and I was afraid to eat anything. Boys and Girls, I HATE to throw up. More than just about anything.
So I laid in my bed as long as possible before finally venturing into the unsafe territory of applesauce. After three hours, despite the fact that I was still wracked with nausea, I hadn't lost it yet, so I decided to graduate up to a bit of oatmeal.
My head was about ready to explode, like those aliens in "Mars Attacks," when they hear Slim Pickins. I wouldn't dare to even take ibuprofen though, because I knew it would never stay where I put it!
Eventually I survived the whole day, and my friend came over last night to take me to the store, where I bought Sprite, fried chicken, and saltines. I know you are thinking why fried chicken?! It eases my stomache, however weird that sounds, and as hard as it was to get down it was worth every bite. Plus, I ate a lot of saltines last night. Eventually, just before bed, my stomache felt about as close to level as I thought it was going to get, so I took some ibuprofen and went to bed.
You will be happy to know I feel much better today.
I still have a headache, but I have been able to take a little ibuprofen to keep it at bay.
My incisions don't really hurt much, they are just annoying, and I have vowed to never take oxycodone again as long as I live.
Aside from the stomache blahs, I also kept seeing flashes from 'The Color Purple' that made no sense and shouldn't have been traumatizing, and feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare that was never going to end. Literally.
It also took two days for my pupils to dialate back to a normal size.
Today at work someone told me they can never take that stuff because it gives them crazy dreams and I was like...AH HA! I did feel a little paranoid as well, I confess. I was having my doubts that my water supply isn't in fact poisoned, and that my dishwashing detergent hasn't slowly been making me ill.
I'm better now. Well, mostly. My stomache is still a tad ruffled, and my mouth isn't working 100% correctly, but I am going to retire early and possibly watch some lame marathon of Miami Ink, or one of those tattoo shows that I love for no apparent reason. This, I am confident, will help me recover. =)
At least I am well enough to even look at my laptop. I was avoiding it for a few days. I was pretty much avoiding everything that included getting out of bed. You'd think I wouldn't want to lay down again, but it's amazing how fighting off pain can make you tired.
So there you have it, Amanda's grand wisdom teeth adventure!!
I'll try to reappear again sometime soon for more hilarity.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Bye bye Wizzy's!
It's official. I am finally girl-without-wisdom-teeth.
It wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. I never even had a chance to see the iv in my arm, as I looked away while they were putting it in, and promptly fell asleep afterward. =)
Anyway, I am still on the medicine from the Oral Surgeon, so I am feeling pretty okay, at least despite the fact that my mouth is full of gauze and I just want to guzzle some water now, without drinking half a pint of blood at the same time. I hate that dry mouth feeling. Bleh.
I definitely need popsicles. fer sure. :p
Anyway, much disomfort, but I will live. It's not so bad...we'll just see when the drugs where off. They did give me a prescription for painkillers though, so that oughta fix me right up. =)
Well, I know this was brief, but I am off to find some ice and a good movie. =) Hope all is well out there in bloggyland.
It wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. I never even had a chance to see the iv in my arm, as I looked away while they were putting it in, and promptly fell asleep afterward. =)
Anyway, I am still on the medicine from the Oral Surgeon, so I am feeling pretty okay, at least despite the fact that my mouth is full of gauze and I just want to guzzle some water now, without drinking half a pint of blood at the same time. I hate that dry mouth feeling. Bleh.
I definitely need popsicles. fer sure. :p
Anyway, much disomfort, but I will live. It's not so bad...we'll just see when the drugs where off. They did give me a prescription for painkillers though, so that oughta fix me right up. =)
Well, I know this was brief, but I am off to find some ice and a good movie. =) Hope all is well out there in bloggyland.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Jerry Springer called; He wants your family.
...
I would like to say that I am beyond words, but that is not often the case if there is something at all worth ranting about.
My family is so completely messed up that I cannot begin to describe it.
Last night I called a family friend to say happy birthday, and we ended up talking for an hour and a half about her helping out with my neice and nephew, and how stressful that has become.
My nephew really has noone to give him the time and attention a 7 year old deserves. I have witnessed this for a long time, and have no idea what to do about it. I can't take him. Noone would let me, even if I thought it possible. I used to wish I had a husband who would be willing to step in and parent my nephew.
Likewise, or, maybe not so likewise, my niece does not stand a chance. Niether parent is capable of caring for her. One is too likely to get drunk, pass out, and let her cry herself to death at the very least, and the other is too busy getting high, and passing around STD's to make sure she gets FED!
My mother is currently raising both grandchildren.
She lives in complete denial about my brother and his issues. Maybe she has to live in denial or she will have a complete breakdown, I don't know.
She has to handle everything, and keep up at least the illusion of being in control.
She is tired, bitter, and works full time. She should not be raising these kids, and I could seriously beat the living crap out of my brother for adding to her already difficult situation by knocking up his crack whore ex-girlfriend in the first place.
Ladies and Gentleman, here is what happens when all you are looking for in life is a good lay.
After I got off the phone with my friend last night, I called my little sister and talked to her until after midnight, so we could cry together. Sort of. She is only 18 and works at a crappy job, and can't take my niece even if anyone would let that happen. Mom and my brother will never step out of the way, and even if she ends up getting taken away my brother will most likely become suicidal.
Noone in this situation has the integrity, or self sacrifice to even think of putting this child up for adoption and giving her a chance to have a life with a stable family. No doubt in part because they think we ARE a stable family.
Little sis and I are concerned that without our intervention, our tiny niece is doomed to meet an early demise. She is not in a safe environment. Tristan isn't either, but Mom would never let us take him. Hailey, at least stands a chance of being won away through a custody battle. We don't know what to do. If something happens to her, not only is that terrible enough, but we have to live with our consience for the rest of our lives, that we could have intervened and did not. Who wants to go to court to tell the judge that their own brother, and Mother's pride and joy, is not fit to be a parent and might be the accidental cause of his own childs death?!? This situation sucks. Big time.
I have a horrible fear of ever being a single parent, as I can barely take care of myself. I do not prefer to take the child, but what else are you going to do?!?! Plus, I cannot afford to fight for custody. If I did take her, I would go into it wholeheartedly, and make a lot of sacrifices. It is not something to be even considered lightly. Still, I don't know.
Little sister and I are praying for some kind of a miracle for everyone involved. I am trying to tell myself that I can handle whatever God might ask of me.
I can't do nothing, although I don't know what exactly TO do.
I am at a complete loss, and have a hard time even finding the words to pray. This is usually not an issue for me, but in this case...seriously.
So that is my major drama for this week. Still, I am 300 miles away from my family, and cannot escape. My cousin Sarah is equally f'd up, and my poor grandmother just worries about these situations constantly.
What is there to say really?! Grrrr and Rawr don't even begin to cut it. I am so going to have to hire Jill, just to come and social work my family. haha.
Seriously...KIDS NEED FAMILIES!!!! Get it through your heads people!!!! Somebody freaking sterilize all these freaking horny idiots already!!! Good LORD!
Okay, I need to go do...SOMETHING! Anything. Preferably something that includes breaking something into a million pieces!!
I would like to say that I am beyond words, but that is not often the case if there is something at all worth ranting about.
My family is so completely messed up that I cannot begin to describe it.
Last night I called a family friend to say happy birthday, and we ended up talking for an hour and a half about her helping out with my neice and nephew, and how stressful that has become.
My nephew really has noone to give him the time and attention a 7 year old deserves. I have witnessed this for a long time, and have no idea what to do about it. I can't take him. Noone would let me, even if I thought it possible. I used to wish I had a husband who would be willing to step in and parent my nephew.
Likewise, or, maybe not so likewise, my niece does not stand a chance. Niether parent is capable of caring for her. One is too likely to get drunk, pass out, and let her cry herself to death at the very least, and the other is too busy getting high, and passing around STD's to make sure she gets FED!
My mother is currently raising both grandchildren.
She lives in complete denial about my brother and his issues. Maybe she has to live in denial or she will have a complete breakdown, I don't know.
She has to handle everything, and keep up at least the illusion of being in control.
She is tired, bitter, and works full time. She should not be raising these kids, and I could seriously beat the living crap out of my brother for adding to her already difficult situation by knocking up his crack whore ex-girlfriend in the first place.
Ladies and Gentleman, here is what happens when all you are looking for in life is a good lay.
After I got off the phone with my friend last night, I called my little sister and talked to her until after midnight, so we could cry together. Sort of. She is only 18 and works at a crappy job, and can't take my niece even if anyone would let that happen. Mom and my brother will never step out of the way, and even if she ends up getting taken away my brother will most likely become suicidal.
Noone in this situation has the integrity, or self sacrifice to even think of putting this child up for adoption and giving her a chance to have a life with a stable family. No doubt in part because they think we ARE a stable family.
Little sis and I are concerned that without our intervention, our tiny niece is doomed to meet an early demise. She is not in a safe environment. Tristan isn't either, but Mom would never let us take him. Hailey, at least stands a chance of being won away through a custody battle. We don't know what to do. If something happens to her, not only is that terrible enough, but we have to live with our consience for the rest of our lives, that we could have intervened and did not. Who wants to go to court to tell the judge that their own brother, and Mother's pride and joy, is not fit to be a parent and might be the accidental cause of his own childs death?!? This situation sucks. Big time.
I have a horrible fear of ever being a single parent, as I can barely take care of myself. I do not prefer to take the child, but what else are you going to do?!?! Plus, I cannot afford to fight for custody. If I did take her, I would go into it wholeheartedly, and make a lot of sacrifices. It is not something to be even considered lightly. Still, I don't know.
Little sister and I are praying for some kind of a miracle for everyone involved. I am trying to tell myself that I can handle whatever God might ask of me.
I can't do nothing, although I don't know what exactly TO do.
I am at a complete loss, and have a hard time even finding the words to pray. This is usually not an issue for me, but in this case...seriously.
So that is my major drama for this week. Still, I am 300 miles away from my family, and cannot escape. My cousin Sarah is equally f'd up, and my poor grandmother just worries about these situations constantly.
What is there to say really?! Grrrr and Rawr don't even begin to cut it. I am so going to have to hire Jill, just to come and social work my family. haha.
Seriously...KIDS NEED FAMILIES!!!! Get it through your heads people!!!! Somebody freaking sterilize all these freaking horny idiots already!!! Good LORD!
Okay, I need to go do...SOMETHING! Anything. Preferably something that includes breaking something into a million pieces!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
A Response, and other Lameness
Jillbe thought I had fallen off the edge of the world, so I thought I better post. haha. It has been a week after all.
So I decided to say the following:
a) Amanda is alive and well, still working two jobs, still a bit stressed, but doing ok.
b) Amanda is becoming a bit of an activist.
c) You should go HERE and support a good cause = helping in the fight against AIDS/HIV in Africa, and this is a practical way to do it. Every little bit helps.
d) It's important to remember that little things go a long way.
e) I have to get my wisdom teeth out next Friday and I don't wanna. *pout*
Okay, moving right along. Here are some things that people have reminded me of this week, and I feel the desire to share:
1) In and Out Burger, the closest of which (to my current location) is in Redding, CA and that might just be too far to drive for a burger, although man do I want one.
2) The Cracker Barrel, the closest of which to my current location is in Missoula, MT. Do we see a pattern here?
3) Pablo y Carol Arria. Where are they now?! I don't know, but I wish I did. I miss them. I want to hug them and squeeze them!! Come to me little Venezuelans!
4) The craziest people in the world, CAN be found in the Starbucks drive-thru. It's true, I am telling you. I witness this first hand on a regular basis.
5) It has been way way way too long since I talked to Karla in London, and hearing her voice on my answering machine makes me want to cry. Awww.
So there you go. Another post of random Amanda madness (say that five times fast!). Hope you enjoyed. More to come at a later, as yet unspecified date. ;)
So I decided to say the following:
a) Amanda is alive and well, still working two jobs, still a bit stressed, but doing ok.
b) Amanda is becoming a bit of an activist.
c) You should go HERE and support a good cause = helping in the fight against AIDS/HIV in Africa, and this is a practical way to do it. Every little bit helps.
d) It's important to remember that little things go a long way.
e) I have to get my wisdom teeth out next Friday and I don't wanna. *pout*
Okay, moving right along. Here are some things that people have reminded me of this week, and I feel the desire to share:
1) In and Out Burger, the closest of which (to my current location) is in Redding, CA and that might just be too far to drive for a burger, although man do I want one.
2) The Cracker Barrel, the closest of which to my current location is in Missoula, MT. Do we see a pattern here?
3) Pablo y Carol Arria. Where are they now?! I don't know, but I wish I did. I miss them. I want to hug them and squeeze them!! Come to me little Venezuelans!
4) The craziest people in the world, CAN be found in the Starbucks drive-thru. It's true, I am telling you. I witness this first hand on a regular basis.
5) It has been way way way too long since I talked to Karla in London, and hearing her voice on my answering machine makes me want to cry. Awww.
So there you go. Another post of random Amanda madness (say that five times fast!). Hope you enjoyed. More to come at a later, as yet unspecified date. ;)
Monday, June 04, 2007
Thirty-One Flavors (and then some)
Sorry I have been so bad about updating.
I find that lately, either I have nothing to say, or I just don't want to talk about the things I wish I could say. I would rather just keep it all inside and let it roll around until I am ready to let it go (if that ever happens).
I go through these phases.
I am just in a deep one right now.
In other news, I am officially 31. Joy. Wahoo. Toss a firecracker.
In honor of my birthday, I get to pay a late rent fee of 50$! Woo! What can I say? Shit has been known to happen. :p
I did go out to lunch with some coworkers. That was lovely. There was chocolate cake involved.
Nothing else terribly exciting. It was fairly nice overall. I can't really complain.
I find that lately, either I have nothing to say, or I just don't want to talk about the things I wish I could say. I would rather just keep it all inside and let it roll around until I am ready to let it go (if that ever happens).
I go through these phases.
I am just in a deep one right now.
In other news, I am officially 31. Joy. Wahoo. Toss a firecracker.
In honor of my birthday, I get to pay a late rent fee of 50$! Woo! What can I say? Shit has been known to happen. :p
I did go out to lunch with some coworkers. That was lovely. There was chocolate cake involved.
Nothing else terribly exciting. It was fairly nice overall. I can't really complain.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I'm A Respectable Grown-Up Type Person. Yes, Yes, I Am
Do you like how it sounds like I am saying this to myself?!
I would like to take a brief side trail here to talk about Evanescence. Specifically, their debut album. It came out at a strange period in my life. I was getting ready to move off to L.A.
Okay, obviously that didn't work out so well. I wasn't there so long!! Anyway...I listened to that album a lot during that time, and it still brings back this whole amazing rush of feelings.
Good, but really quite interesting feelings that I have a hard time describing. It connects with getting outside the box. Getting in touch with something inside, and at the same time, escaping one's environment.
Strange, I know, but there it is.
I was listening to my ipod and one of the songs came on and I thought; It's a really great day to hear this song.
So back to me being a respectable grownup type person.
Surely, I am. Yes, yes. I simply must be.
Some days I even feel like I am!!
What is bringing this on you ask? My need to remind myself that this simply must be the truth? Well, to be honest, the answer is quite lame. I am pretty sure I don't even want to share it. =P
Stupid stuff.
Stupid stuff that I have apparently not learned to put aside and care less about.
I am doing pretty good here. Work is pretty good. I am paying my bills. I love the weather. I am a wee bit inspired to take a couple of classes...
In general, I just can't complain.
And yet.. Don't we always find something to be unsatisfied about?
I can distract myself from a lot of things. I am good at dealing with pain. I can put it aside and smile on the surface despite however I feel inside. In fact, I can even feel pretty good on the surface.
Still, sometimes there are things that are lurking down there in my heart. I can't quite get rid of them. They come and go, but when they are here, there is no ignoring that fact. I can put them aside for awhile. I have learned to live with their company. Even so, GGRRR!!! I don't want to have to!! Makes me MAD!
So here is my very, very lame and ugly confession, which will only be given to you bloggers out there in the abyss.
I feel like the crypt keeper. =) My little sister, who recently turned 18, is engaged. She and her Beau have been dating for some time. I am not completely surprised to be honest, and yet, I didn't expect it to come so soon. I would like it much better if he loved Jesus, but he is really good to my sister and makes her happy, so you take what you can get. She deserves some happiness.
The question then occurs to me, however unbidden, do I not?
It's a stupid question. I might as well ask, Does JillB not? Of course she does. We know that she is a charming individual, and the same age as me (although NOT the crypt keeper. hehe).
There is no measuring device for who deserves happiness, and who doesn't. Besides, there are plenty of desperately unhappy married people. That isn't happiness really, it is just something that we want. A nice bonus!
I am okay with that. Okay with being single.
In fact, if I could just set better goals and get the freak on with it, I would be overjoyed.
If I could just put it aside and not freaking think about it!! Grrr!! Not like its ever present, but you know what I mean. It lurks.
That is what makes me angry. It's lurkiness. Ready to pounce on me and tell me how unworthy I am, and how it is something that has passed me by, when instead I should be feeling happiness for those I care about.
Besides, my other siblings and cousins have been popping out babies for the last three years. This should not be shocking.
Stoopid! STTOOOOPPIIIDDD!!! =)
I know these lies are not true, but again with the lurky. If I could just kick Mr. Lurky to the curb, we would be doing great.
Unfortunately, it is there right now, underneath everything else. That feeling that its just not for me. Which, I could deal with, if I just didn't want it so fucking badly. GRRR! I hate not being able to control that. Really, truly hate it.
Well, I just keep on pressing on, because that is what I do. Pain or no pain. I just wish I could stop secretly thinking that He is punishing me, or that this is a secret experiment, to see how much I can take. How many times my heart can nearly beat out of its chest and still stay put!
I can't let myself dwell there.
I have to just pick myself up and go forward, to wherever that is.
It's all good. In the end, I know, its all good.
I would like to take a brief side trail here to talk about Evanescence. Specifically, their debut album. It came out at a strange period in my life. I was getting ready to move off to L.A.
Okay, obviously that didn't work out so well. I wasn't there so long!! Anyway...I listened to that album a lot during that time, and it still brings back this whole amazing rush of feelings.
Good, but really quite interesting feelings that I have a hard time describing. It connects with getting outside the box. Getting in touch with something inside, and at the same time, escaping one's environment.
Strange, I know, but there it is.
I was listening to my ipod and one of the songs came on and I thought; It's a really great day to hear this song.
So back to me being a respectable grownup type person.
Surely, I am. Yes, yes. I simply must be.
Some days I even feel like I am!!
What is bringing this on you ask? My need to remind myself that this simply must be the truth? Well, to be honest, the answer is quite lame. I am pretty sure I don't even want to share it. =P
Stupid stuff.
Stupid stuff that I have apparently not learned to put aside and care less about.
I am doing pretty good here. Work is pretty good. I am paying my bills. I love the weather. I am a wee bit inspired to take a couple of classes...
In general, I just can't complain.
And yet.. Don't we always find something to be unsatisfied about?
I can distract myself from a lot of things. I am good at dealing with pain. I can put it aside and smile on the surface despite however I feel inside. In fact, I can even feel pretty good on the surface.
Still, sometimes there are things that are lurking down there in my heart. I can't quite get rid of them. They come and go, but when they are here, there is no ignoring that fact. I can put them aside for awhile. I have learned to live with their company. Even so, GGRRR!!! I don't want to have to!! Makes me MAD!
So here is my very, very lame and ugly confession, which will only be given to you bloggers out there in the abyss.
I feel like the crypt keeper. =) My little sister, who recently turned 18, is engaged. She and her Beau have been dating for some time. I am not completely surprised to be honest, and yet, I didn't expect it to come so soon. I would like it much better if he loved Jesus, but he is really good to my sister and makes her happy, so you take what you can get. She deserves some happiness.
The question then occurs to me, however unbidden, do I not?
It's a stupid question. I might as well ask, Does JillB not? Of course she does. We know that she is a charming individual, and the same age as me (although NOT the crypt keeper. hehe).
There is no measuring device for who deserves happiness, and who doesn't. Besides, there are plenty of desperately unhappy married people. That isn't happiness really, it is just something that we want. A nice bonus!
I am okay with that. Okay with being single.
In fact, if I could just set better goals and get the freak on with it, I would be overjoyed.
If I could just put it aside and not freaking think about it!! Grrr!! Not like its ever present, but you know what I mean. It lurks.
That is what makes me angry. It's lurkiness. Ready to pounce on me and tell me how unworthy I am, and how it is something that has passed me by, when instead I should be feeling happiness for those I care about.
Besides, my other siblings and cousins have been popping out babies for the last three years. This should not be shocking.
Stoopid! STTOOOOPPIIIDDD!!! =)
I know these lies are not true, but again with the lurky. If I could just kick Mr. Lurky to the curb, we would be doing great.
Unfortunately, it is there right now, underneath everything else. That feeling that its just not for me. Which, I could deal with, if I just didn't want it so fucking badly. GRRR! I hate not being able to control that. Really, truly hate it.
Well, I just keep on pressing on, because that is what I do. Pain or no pain. I just wish I could stop secretly thinking that He is punishing me, or that this is a secret experiment, to see how much I can take. How many times my heart can nearly beat out of its chest and still stay put!
I can't let myself dwell there.
I have to just pick myself up and go forward, to wherever that is.
It's all good. In the end, I know, its all good.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Apparently, I have been tagged. I guess I'm IT!
Lara tagged Jill, and Jill tagged me.
Unfortunately, that means that I have to find a spark of creativity, and I am just not feeling it. ha.
They didn't give me any specific rules, so I am just going to have to go with it!!
Since next Monday is my 31st birthday, I am going to give you 31 of my favorite songs, and a few random memories that go with them. I love music, and this is by no means an exhaustive list of my favorites. Reading Jill and Lara's memes however, got me thinking about days gone by, so I dug into the past for many of these. Hope you enjoy (or are at least amused! ha!)
1. When I was very young...4ish? I remember my sister and I sitting with my parents on the hide-a-bed, singing into one of those stereo microphones, along with old Chicago. Not just one song, actually, although "Saturday in the Park" always comes to mind. Somewhere, once, there existed a tape of this. I wish I knew where. If it still even exists.
2. When I was a kid, my great grandmother lived in Sunnyside, Washington, which is also where my dad and his siblings went to high school. We used to drive there all the time to visit and there were three albums we listened to over and over, that became ingrained in my head. The first song I remember from these is a song called "The Master's Call" by Marty Robbins. It was the first favorite song I can remember, from like the 3rd grade. Nearly 15 years later, when I had not heard the song since I was a kid, I could still remember every single word.
3. "Hello" Lionel Richie
Again, one of my oldest favorite songs. Another song from road trips, these with my mom and aunt.
4. One of my most favorite songs ever is a song called "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood. Once, when I was like 11, my very first crush (Stevie Ferguson, who was my neighbor and friend until I was six) and his family, visited ours from California. My friends and I had a slumber party in the yard. Sleeping under the stars I listened to that song and dreamed of Stevie, and a 12 yr old happy ever after. :p
5. "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel was my cousin Stephanie's favorite song when we were kids, and she is still fond of it. Her parents drove this tiny Sprint, and crammed all of us cousins in the back all the time. We would holler the chorus at the top of our lungs, but our mom's didn't care, they would just sing along. =)
6. "True Blue" Ooohhh Madonna. I still love this song, I confess. I pilfered it from the neighbor girl in the fifth grade. Whenever my parents let me be home alone I would turn it up super loud and listen to it five times in a row.
7. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. My cousins and siblings and I, on warm summer evenings, used to sit out on my grandmothers deck while the grown-ups played cards. We would watch the bug zapper light up and buzz, and everytime it did we would sing in chorus; "Du dun dun dun...Another one bites the dust!" Sometimes now someone will do it just to make everyone else laugh.
8. "I will Always Love You" the Whitney Houston version. I can't help it. Even if it's cheesy, this song was playing in the background during my last, and most memorable kiss. =)
9. "I'll Be There For You" Bon Jovi
My friend Dani (whom I grew up with) and I used to be huge Bon Jovi fans. We grew up listening to them. When I finally saw them in concert with my Aunt and cousin about three years ago, I commented to them as Richie Sambora started to sing this song...."It just isn't the same without Dani here to tell me what a cute butt he has!" :p
10. "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" Elton John.
I can't even give you a great memory for this one. It was really popular on the radio around the same time as the above mentioned "For the Longest Time." Somthing about the melody just captured me, even when I was so young, and I still love this song. It just haunts me.
11. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Tears for Fears
Ya know. There are just some songs that remind you of when you were young. Summertime, barbecues, going to the lake. Feeling good in general. This is one of those songs. Also a great summer driving song, although not the #1. See below. :p
12. "Hysteria" Def Leppard
It is my personal opinion that this is the best summer driving song EVER. No, I mean it, EVER.
13."If I Stand" Rich Mullins
Okay, I so hate that Rich died before I got to see him in concert. The man was an insanely good hammered dulcimer player. Listening to those songs of his that are full of the dulcimer just fill me with unexplainable happiness. I love this guy. My old youth pastor was a big fan too, and it was one of those things we bonded over. I just have a lot of memories of my old college group days, and Rich's songs in the background.
14. "Let Me Sing" Andrew Peterson
Because it says everything I feel about my faith. What I would sing to God, if I knew I were singing to God.
15. "Sing Sing Sing" specifically from the Swing Kids soundtrack as well, but really, any version, its a GREAT song.
We coerced the DJ to play it at my senior prom! Oh man, we had so much fun dancing to that. My friend Chris offered to flip me, but I politely declined. I confess, I was afraid that I was heavier than him and he would drop me. =)
16. "Family Tradition" Hank Williams Jr.
Seriously, this lands in the list of all-time faves. I don't think I even would have liked it, but I used to go once in awhile to this country bar at the state line when I was in my late teens and early twenties. The band ALWAYS played this song. Not only was there a line dance that went with it, but EVERYONE sang the words at the top of their lungs. It was a rowdy atmosphere, but oh my gosh, I have rarely had such fun.
17. "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'" Michael Jackson
No, I have not outgrown the Thriller album. Let's face it, it was one of the best albums ever. Plus, it reminds me so much of when I was young. My mom and my aunt used to be huge Michael Jackson fans (at least until he turned into the crypt keeper).
18. "Where the Green Grass Grows" Tim McGraw
I used to take long drives when I needed to think or felt stressed out. I would drive up toward Mnt. Spokane at dusk, and this is just one of those songs that I always loved to listen to, while taking in the general splendor of wheat fields bordered by heavy pine. Smelling the smells, and feeling at peace. It still reminds me of home, and is also a Becky and Amanda song. It always makes me think of her. Love you Beck!
19. "Martyrs & Thieves" Jennifer Knapp
Actually, every song on this cd reminds me of DTS, especially India, but this song particularly reminds me of Shawn. I would leave my boom box in the kitchen (this is in Amsterdam), so that the clean up crew could use it, and I remember coming down later, and finding Shawn sitting on the counter in the dark, listening to Martyrs & Thieves.
20.The National Anthem
Laugh if you must, but I cry everytime I hear it. No kidding. I mean, I may not shed actual tears at a sporting event, but they certainly well up a bit. 4th of July? Yeah, forget it, its over.
21. "The Easter Song" Keith Green
Okay, if you listen to Keith these days, he sounds a bit hokey, but you know he was great for his time. Check out the Afro!! Anyway, I had never really listened to him before DTS, and then one time on outreach we were driving somewhere, singing all these old sunday school songs (most of which I didn't know since I didn't grow up in ss) and somebody started to sing this song. Slowly, most of the other people joined in. I didn't know the words of course, but I got chills listening. Listening to the song now brings back that memory, but nothing will ever be as amazing as hearing all those lovely people sing it wholeheartedly.
22. "You Are The New Day" The Kings Singers
Actually, I can't remember the arrangement, though I know I still have the music in my hope chest. We sang this song in high school for graduation. Not my graduation, but the class before me. It was maybe my favorite song I ever sang in choir. Haha. Choir trips always make me remember how I flashed a guy while changing on the bus. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but I probably showed him a little more than I would have liked for him to see. lol.
23. "Day by Day" Arrangement unknown
Again, high school. This is one of the songs we sang in jazz choir, and it just happens to stick out. Jazz choir was the best thing that ever happened to me. You know those pathetic people that think high school included the best days of their lives?! I am one of those pathetic people. I have never felt the way I felt in choir, about anything else. Ever.
24. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Do I even need to say U2?!!
Obviously, there is a lot behind this song. I love a lot ( a really really lot) of U2 songs, but this has always been one of my faves. I think because it includes the line "The real battle yet begun, to claim the victory Jesus won."
25. "Help Me Believe" Nichole Nordeman
Because it is so me. Really. When I sing it, its like I wrote it.
26. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" John Mayer
Just listen to the music. So bluesy. I love songs that sound like this. Currently playing in the Amanda music library.
27. "Mystery" Indigo Girls
For this line alone: "I could go crazy on a night like tonight, when summer's beginning to give up her fight..."
My friend from high school got me hooked on Indigo Girls. I love pretty much everything they have done, but this is the song I would crank on those late summer evenings when I could take off my t-tops and cruise.
28. "Promentory" (#6!) Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
Because lets face it, this is one of the best soundtracks in the history of soundtracks (and you know you think so), and this is one of the best tracks on this cd!!!
29. "I'll Cover You"(Reprise) from Rent (Original motion picture soundtrack)
Maybe because there had to be a Rent song on here. It really moves me. More than I can explain.
30. "Rickety House" Pages of May
I know you have never heard of them before, but I sincerely wish otherwise. It was a local band. I knew the guys through church friends. They were very solid musically, and the songwriting was so fantastic. It was the bass and drum line that really sucked you in though. Those two guys were friends, and they were tight. It's all about a good rythm section. Anyway..they were sincerely one of my favorite bands ever ever ever.
31. Title Unknown
In high school my friend Chris played the piano for me, and sang me this song in one of our practice rooms. He sang it TO me. I can still remember. I can hear his voice. It always brings with it a lot of emotion.
So there you have it! Yay for you if you managed to stay awake through all of that tedium. haha!
At least Jill will be forced to, since she made me do it! :p
Unfortunately, that means that I have to find a spark of creativity, and I am just not feeling it. ha.
They didn't give me any specific rules, so I am just going to have to go with it!!
Since next Monday is my 31st birthday, I am going to give you 31 of my favorite songs, and a few random memories that go with them. I love music, and this is by no means an exhaustive list of my favorites. Reading Jill and Lara's memes however, got me thinking about days gone by, so I dug into the past for many of these. Hope you enjoy (or are at least amused! ha!)
1. When I was very young...4ish? I remember my sister and I sitting with my parents on the hide-a-bed, singing into one of those stereo microphones, along with old Chicago. Not just one song, actually, although "Saturday in the Park" always comes to mind. Somewhere, once, there existed a tape of this. I wish I knew where. If it still even exists.
2. When I was a kid, my great grandmother lived in Sunnyside, Washington, which is also where my dad and his siblings went to high school. We used to drive there all the time to visit and there were three albums we listened to over and over, that became ingrained in my head. The first song I remember from these is a song called "The Master's Call" by Marty Robbins. It was the first favorite song I can remember, from like the 3rd grade. Nearly 15 years later, when I had not heard the song since I was a kid, I could still remember every single word.
3. "Hello" Lionel Richie
Again, one of my oldest favorite songs. Another song from road trips, these with my mom and aunt.
4. One of my most favorite songs ever is a song called "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood. Once, when I was like 11, my very first crush (Stevie Ferguson, who was my neighbor and friend until I was six) and his family, visited ours from California. My friends and I had a slumber party in the yard. Sleeping under the stars I listened to that song and dreamed of Stevie, and a 12 yr old happy ever after. :p
5. "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel was my cousin Stephanie's favorite song when we were kids, and she is still fond of it. Her parents drove this tiny Sprint, and crammed all of us cousins in the back all the time. We would holler the chorus at the top of our lungs, but our mom's didn't care, they would just sing along. =)
6. "True Blue" Ooohhh Madonna. I still love this song, I confess. I pilfered it from the neighbor girl in the fifth grade. Whenever my parents let me be home alone I would turn it up super loud and listen to it five times in a row.
7. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. My cousins and siblings and I, on warm summer evenings, used to sit out on my grandmothers deck while the grown-ups played cards. We would watch the bug zapper light up and buzz, and everytime it did we would sing in chorus; "Du dun dun dun...Another one bites the dust!" Sometimes now someone will do it just to make everyone else laugh.
8. "I will Always Love You" the Whitney Houston version. I can't help it. Even if it's cheesy, this song was playing in the background during my last, and most memorable kiss. =)
9. "I'll Be There For You" Bon Jovi
My friend Dani (whom I grew up with) and I used to be huge Bon Jovi fans. We grew up listening to them. When I finally saw them in concert with my Aunt and cousin about three years ago, I commented to them as Richie Sambora started to sing this song...."It just isn't the same without Dani here to tell me what a cute butt he has!" :p
10. "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" Elton John.
I can't even give you a great memory for this one. It was really popular on the radio around the same time as the above mentioned "For the Longest Time." Somthing about the melody just captured me, even when I was so young, and I still love this song. It just haunts me.
11. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Tears for Fears
Ya know. There are just some songs that remind you of when you were young. Summertime, barbecues, going to the lake. Feeling good in general. This is one of those songs. Also a great summer driving song, although not the #1. See below. :p
12. "Hysteria" Def Leppard
It is my personal opinion that this is the best summer driving song EVER. No, I mean it, EVER.
13."If I Stand" Rich Mullins
Okay, I so hate that Rich died before I got to see him in concert. The man was an insanely good hammered dulcimer player. Listening to those songs of his that are full of the dulcimer just fill me with unexplainable happiness. I love this guy. My old youth pastor was a big fan too, and it was one of those things we bonded over. I just have a lot of memories of my old college group days, and Rich's songs in the background.
14. "Let Me Sing" Andrew Peterson
Because it says everything I feel about my faith. What I would sing to God, if I knew I were singing to God.
15. "Sing Sing Sing" specifically from the Swing Kids soundtrack as well, but really, any version, its a GREAT song.
We coerced the DJ to play it at my senior prom! Oh man, we had so much fun dancing to that. My friend Chris offered to flip me, but I politely declined. I confess, I was afraid that I was heavier than him and he would drop me. =)
16. "Family Tradition" Hank Williams Jr.
Seriously, this lands in the list of all-time faves. I don't think I even would have liked it, but I used to go once in awhile to this country bar at the state line when I was in my late teens and early twenties. The band ALWAYS played this song. Not only was there a line dance that went with it, but EVERYONE sang the words at the top of their lungs. It was a rowdy atmosphere, but oh my gosh, I have rarely had such fun.
17. "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'" Michael Jackson
No, I have not outgrown the Thriller album. Let's face it, it was one of the best albums ever. Plus, it reminds me so much of when I was young. My mom and my aunt used to be huge Michael Jackson fans (at least until he turned into the crypt keeper).
18. "Where the Green Grass Grows" Tim McGraw
I used to take long drives when I needed to think or felt stressed out. I would drive up toward Mnt. Spokane at dusk, and this is just one of those songs that I always loved to listen to, while taking in the general splendor of wheat fields bordered by heavy pine. Smelling the smells, and feeling at peace. It still reminds me of home, and is also a Becky and Amanda song. It always makes me think of her. Love you Beck!
19. "Martyrs & Thieves" Jennifer Knapp
Actually, every song on this cd reminds me of DTS, especially India, but this song particularly reminds me of Shawn. I would leave my boom box in the kitchen (this is in Amsterdam), so that the clean up crew could use it, and I remember coming down later, and finding Shawn sitting on the counter in the dark, listening to Martyrs & Thieves.
20.The National Anthem
Laugh if you must, but I cry everytime I hear it. No kidding. I mean, I may not shed actual tears at a sporting event, but they certainly well up a bit. 4th of July? Yeah, forget it, its over.
21. "The Easter Song" Keith Green
Okay, if you listen to Keith these days, he sounds a bit hokey, but you know he was great for his time. Check out the Afro!! Anyway, I had never really listened to him before DTS, and then one time on outreach we were driving somewhere, singing all these old sunday school songs (most of which I didn't know since I didn't grow up in ss) and somebody started to sing this song. Slowly, most of the other people joined in. I didn't know the words of course, but I got chills listening. Listening to the song now brings back that memory, but nothing will ever be as amazing as hearing all those lovely people sing it wholeheartedly.
22. "You Are The New Day" The Kings Singers
Actually, I can't remember the arrangement, though I know I still have the music in my hope chest. We sang this song in high school for graduation. Not my graduation, but the class before me. It was maybe my favorite song I ever sang in choir. Haha. Choir trips always make me remember how I flashed a guy while changing on the bus. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but I probably showed him a little more than I would have liked for him to see. lol.
23. "Day by Day" Arrangement unknown
Again, high school. This is one of the songs we sang in jazz choir, and it just happens to stick out. Jazz choir was the best thing that ever happened to me. You know those pathetic people that think high school included the best days of their lives?! I am one of those pathetic people. I have never felt the way I felt in choir, about anything else. Ever.
24. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Do I even need to say U2?!!
Obviously, there is a lot behind this song. I love a lot ( a really really lot) of U2 songs, but this has always been one of my faves. I think because it includes the line "The real battle yet begun, to claim the victory Jesus won."
25. "Help Me Believe" Nichole Nordeman
Because it is so me. Really. When I sing it, its like I wrote it.
26. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" John Mayer
Just listen to the music. So bluesy. I love songs that sound like this. Currently playing in the Amanda music library.
27. "Mystery" Indigo Girls
For this line alone: "I could go crazy on a night like tonight, when summer's beginning to give up her fight..."
My friend from high school got me hooked on Indigo Girls. I love pretty much everything they have done, but this is the song I would crank on those late summer evenings when I could take off my t-tops and cruise.
28. "Promentory" (#6!) Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
Because lets face it, this is one of the best soundtracks in the history of soundtracks (and you know you think so), and this is one of the best tracks on this cd!!!
29. "I'll Cover You"(Reprise) from Rent (Original motion picture soundtrack)
Maybe because there had to be a Rent song on here. It really moves me. More than I can explain.
30. "Rickety House" Pages of May
I know you have never heard of them before, but I sincerely wish otherwise. It was a local band. I knew the guys through church friends. They were very solid musically, and the songwriting was so fantastic. It was the bass and drum line that really sucked you in though. Those two guys were friends, and they were tight. It's all about a good rythm section. Anyway..they were sincerely one of my favorite bands ever ever ever.
31. Title Unknown
In high school my friend Chris played the piano for me, and sang me this song in one of our practice rooms. He sang it TO me. I can still remember. I can hear his voice. It always brings with it a lot of emotion.
So there you have it! Yay for you if you managed to stay awake through all of that tedium. haha!
At least Jill will be forced to, since she made me do it! :p
Thursday, May 24, 2007
More fun for you
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Thirteen things I can never seem to remember... 1. Updating people's email. At work or at home, it doesn't matter. I am constantly forgetting or putting it off. 2. To pay my water bill. The money has been chilling in the bank for a week, but I still haven't gotten around to it. 3. That sometimes I need to call my grandmother. I love my grandmother, tremendously, so what's my deal?? 4. That I don't have to wait to fill up my gas tank until I am running on fumes. 5. To buy food which I will actually take to work for lunch. 6. That I should not stay up until 10pm when I have to open in the morning. 7. To set my alarm clock half an hour earlier. 8. To send a message to Lisa on myspace, asking if she is in touch with Deena. Grrr! Everytime I think about it, I am away from home. Rawr. 9. Where I left my mind. Has anyone seen it? 10. My train of thought. Good Lord but having a long conversation with me is interesting. 11. What was I saying?? 12. Mailing things. Letters will sit on my desk for a month, I kid you not. 13. Creating an interesting list of things for Thursday Thirteens. Not that I have had a lot of time lately, but still. I meant to do it. Honest. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Big Paranoid Whussy
Yup, that's me.
Okay, so I had an infection and they put me on antibiotics. At the end of the antibiotics I still wasn't feeling completely recovered, so they looked at my urine (pleasant topic of conversation, I know) again and thought...hmm...maybe there is a tiny bit of something left over, even though we think you should be better by now, so just to be safe here is ten days worth of the totally-serious-kick-your-ass antibiotics. Within one day of those kicking in I was completely feeling fabulous, but I had to take them for ten days anyway. She told me, if this doesn't clear it up, we may need to do an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.
But alas, day ten came and went, and I felt great. I went and did the follow up urine sample (just to be sure all the baddies were gone.) She said it was still not quite as clear as she would like, but it was ok, and I had no symptoms. So off I went. She would just do some cultures as kind of a follow up to be sure.
So today I get this message from my Doctors office; Could I please come in ASAP and redo my urine sample, because they found blood in it (obviously not the kind I can see, but the very small microscopic kind). As soon as possible?
That doesn't sound alarming or anything.
So what does that mean? Am I going to have to have an ultrasound?
I don't like that action!
I am all just say no-ey to finding things wrong inside of me.
I am feeling just a tiny bit....freaked out.
I mean, you are talking to the girl who is going to have to take a knock-me-out pill an hour before the dentist, just so they can stick a needle in my mouth without me freaking out and whacking somebody with a drill!
Ugh.
Maybe it will be just fine.
That is what I keep telling myself, although paranoid surgical procedures keep popping into my head unbidden.
Bleh.
In other news...little sister turned 18 yesterday and I am turning 31 a week from Monday. I am officially crossing into "old". hahaha. :p Okay, maybe not old...just not young. =) I would like 31 to come with great health.
*crosses fingers*
Okay, so I had an infection and they put me on antibiotics. At the end of the antibiotics I still wasn't feeling completely recovered, so they looked at my urine (pleasant topic of conversation, I know) again and thought...hmm...maybe there is a tiny bit of something left over, even though we think you should be better by now, so just to be safe here is ten days worth of the totally-serious-kick-your-ass antibiotics. Within one day of those kicking in I was completely feeling fabulous, but I had to take them for ten days anyway. She told me, if this doesn't clear it up, we may need to do an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.
But alas, day ten came and went, and I felt great. I went and did the follow up urine sample (just to be sure all the baddies were gone.) She said it was still not quite as clear as she would like, but it was ok, and I had no symptoms. So off I went. She would just do some cultures as kind of a follow up to be sure.
So today I get this message from my Doctors office; Could I please come in ASAP and redo my urine sample, because they found blood in it (obviously not the kind I can see, but the very small microscopic kind). As soon as possible?
That doesn't sound alarming or anything.
So what does that mean? Am I going to have to have an ultrasound?
I don't like that action!
I am all just say no-ey to finding things wrong inside of me.
I am feeling just a tiny bit....freaked out.
I mean, you are talking to the girl who is going to have to take a knock-me-out pill an hour before the dentist, just so they can stick a needle in my mouth without me freaking out and whacking somebody with a drill!
Ugh.
Maybe it will be just fine.
That is what I keep telling myself, although paranoid surgical procedures keep popping into my head unbidden.
Bleh.
In other news...little sister turned 18 yesterday and I am turning 31 a week from Monday. I am officially crossing into "old". hahaha. :p Okay, maybe not old...just not young. =) I would like 31 to come with great health.
*crosses fingers*
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thursday Thirteen
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Thirteen Things I'd Like to Do in the Next Five Years... 1. Go Back to Amsterdam. I know you knew this was coming. Please. Could I be more predictable? 2. Buy a red jeep. I just really want one ok?! I have always wanted one, and I just can't stand it anymore!!!! 3. Start to like my blog. Yes, currently I am driving myself crazy with my incessant self pity. 4. Meet my husband. Come on! I can be a silly girl for a minute if I want to be!! Besides, I want my grandparents to know him, and they are not getting any younger. 5. Go on a really long road trip with my little sister. She is the coolest girl in the world!! Who knows when we'd be able to afford it, but it would be such a freaking blast. 6. See Abercrombie and Fitch go bankrupt. Hahahahaha. A girl can dream. 7. Be more financially secure. Who doesn't want that really? Simple, yet important. 8. Make-out with David Boreanaz. :p hehe. Just threw that in to see if you were paying attention. He is cute though. *wink wink* 9. See my mom be more happy, less stressed and bitter. Things at home are not that great. 10. See my cousin Cassie turn into a respectable young woman, rather than a hoochie mama boy toy. Rawr. 11. Hear some good news from Jason in Florida. If you know me, you know what that news is. 12. Push Becky down the road in a shopping cart. Just to prove I can still be juvenile. :p This event is made more difficult by the fact that Becky lives in Corpus, and I live here in the Seattle area, but oh well! And finally... 13. Sing something somewhere that people can actually hear it. Karaoke, YouTube, just somewhere so I can go; "Oh yeah, I can still do that..I still like to do that." So there you have it. My very first Thursday Thirteen. I decided to give in and join the throng. Maybe I will even remember to do it next week. We'll see! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Who dosed my Cheerios?
Actually, I haven't eaten any Cheerios. So maybe you slipped the drugs into my coffee this morning??
Well, it worked. I am in a tremendously good mood.
The weather doesn't really hurt.
It is absolutely lovely tonight.
I keep listening to this Sick Puppies song over and over for no apparent reason. I can't seem to stop.
Last night I was watching the news and they had some story about wedding insurance. I didn't watch all of it, but I guess you can insure your wedding in case it sucks. lol. That makes no sense to me. Shouldn't you be much more worried about the marriage?? Besides, what are you going to do?? Sue your drunk and obnoxious uncle George? I mean, you know it is going to be the crazy family members that mess things up, not the wedding planner or the cake decorator.
Personally, I think the couple making out in the parking lot of the wedding chapel, and the ring bearer picking his wedgie while he is walking down the aisle, are the things that make weddings memorable. =)
Invite the crazies, that's what I say!
Well, it worked. I am in a tremendously good mood.
The weather doesn't really hurt.
It is absolutely lovely tonight.
I keep listening to this Sick Puppies song over and over for no apparent reason. I can't seem to stop.
Last night I was watching the news and they had some story about wedding insurance. I didn't watch all of it, but I guess you can insure your wedding in case it sucks. lol. That makes no sense to me. Shouldn't you be much more worried about the marriage?? Besides, what are you going to do?? Sue your drunk and obnoxious uncle George? I mean, you know it is going to be the crazy family members that mess things up, not the wedding planner or the cake decorator.
Personally, I think the couple making out in the parking lot of the wedding chapel, and the ring bearer picking his wedgie while he is walking down the aisle, are the things that make weddings memorable. =)
Invite the crazies, that's what I say!
Monday, May 14, 2007
#2 For Today
I hate my blog.
I was reading some blogs last night that were articulate and hilarious, and it reminded me that I live in a tiny little corner of the world, and therefore have lost some of my prior inspirations. I am going to work on snapping out of that. I miss having actual intelligent thoughts come out of my brain. :p (You know, as opposed to random wordy bouts of self pity.) =)
You can read all the books you want (and should!), but nothing makes up for the actual push and pull of relationships to get a persons mind raging. :p
I know this is a short post.
I did submit a rather long post a little while ago, that I actually wrote last night when I should have been sleeping.
So there.
And Goodnight.
I was reading some blogs last night that were articulate and hilarious, and it reminded me that I live in a tiny little corner of the world, and therefore have lost some of my prior inspirations. I am going to work on snapping out of that. I miss having actual intelligent thoughts come out of my brain. :p (You know, as opposed to random wordy bouts of self pity.) =)
You can read all the books you want (and should!), but nothing makes up for the actual push and pull of relationships to get a persons mind raging. :p
I know this is a short post.
I did submit a rather long post a little while ago, that I actually wrote last night when I should have been sleeping.
So there.
And Goodnight.
Because It Needs To Be Told.
** I Should make this disclaimer... I feel weird about posting this, though I don't know why. I knew I would eventually, but I can't tell you why now. I can tell you that I didn't write it to sound eloquent, or well spoken. I just wrote it. It is what it is.
If you are looking for something light to read, trust me, this is not going to be it.**
Thursday, February 1st, 2001...
I didn't feel like going to school. I got up and got dressed anyway. I really couldn't afford to miss anymore classes, and I still had nearly two full months left in the quarter. So, I went about the usual morning routine, got in my car, and started driving the 30 minutes to my community college.
A funny thing happened when I was nearly there. All of a sudden, I decided to go to my mom's house. I really wasn't feeling very well anyway, and I decided I just wanted to go there. I love my family, and the oldest of my two younger sisters and I were very close, but I usually am not someone who hides at mom's. I definitely don't have the sweet, warm kind of relationship with my mom that Lara David has with hers.
So I randomly drove to mom's.
My sister, who worked nights at a nursing home, was just getting ready to go to sleep for awhile. She was fixing a bottle for Tristan, her then 18 month old son. It was probably around 10 in the morning when I got there, as I didn't have my early class that morning and had left later than usual. My sister had, for some reason, pulled a mattress out onto the living room floor to sleep. I laid down and curled up with her and the baby. I gave them hugs and kisses and I love yous. We took a lovely nap together for an hour and a half or so, and then I left because I had to go to work.
I had no idea that nothing would ever be the same after that.
Thursday night I went to a Bible study. It was a habit for them to pray for whoever wanted prayer, before we went home. As the group was praying for someone I suddenly choked up. I caught myself on the edge of a sob that came from nowhere. A little girl voice had risen up inside of me, and I felt like saying; "I want my mommy." I had this nearly uncontrollable urge to go to my mom's house, which was nearby, but I new that I would stay too long, and I really needed to get home and go to bed, I had early classes in the morning that I definitely could not miss. Anyway, it was 9pm and my sister had already left for work across town.
I called my mom. She was light hearted, all was well.
I went home to bed.
Friday, February 2nd, 2001.
I got up early and drove to school for a 7:30 class. I sat on the far right side of the room, in the very front row. At around 8am a faculty member came into our classroom and I asked for me by name. I was not alarmed. She asked to talk to me, and told me to bring my stuff. It seemed odd, but I thought for some reason it might have something to do with my financial aid. Once we were out of the classroom she told me that my mom was on the phone.
I was annoyed.
It didn't initially occur to me that something might be wrong.
I wondered what she might be calling about, and verbally reprimanded her in my head.
Just as I got to the door of the office where the phone was waiting, it began to dawn on me that this wasn't quite right.
I came in and a woman handed me the phone.
"Hello?"
I wasn't annoyed anymore, just curious.
My Mother was very calm on the other line.
"Amanda?... There's been an accident"
"Who?" I asked. But I think I already knew.
"Chelle." And that is when I heard the wavering in her voice, and that is when I was afraid. My mom is like granite, an immovable force.
"is she okay?"
A sniff and a pause then..
"it doesn't look good. You need to come to the hospital."
I told her okay mom, I will be right there, but before I could go she caught me. "Amanda? Do I need to send your brother to get you? Are you ok to drive? I can't handle two accidents today."
I told her I was fine to drive, and I was.
I was very, very, eerily calm.
Everything was very clear.
I hung up the phone, thanked the woman who's desk it belonged to, and walked out of the room without looking back. I walked toward the parking lot, but stopped at the last building on campus, the one with all the business classes. I went inside the main doors to the phone, and called Janet Kruckenberg, a dear friend, and the secretary at my church. I told her that my sister had been in an accident, it didn't look good, please call the prayer chain, and I had to go now. It was all very calm. I hung up, went to my car, and drove to the hospital. I still felt super clear, but shaky underneath.
On the cd player in my car, Steven Curtis Chapman sang; "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope, cuz we know our goodbye is not the end." When the song ended he sang; "Be still and know that He is God."
At the hospital I didn't know where to go. I wandered in the emergency room doors, but didn't see anyone I knew. When I asked about my sister they had to look for her name, and as someone started to direct me down the hallway, my mom appeared and I followed her to an emergency waiting room on the first floor. My Aunt Ruth was there. Her oldest daughter Stephanie was there, Whitney was there.
I asked Mom who knows.
Her family, and Dad.
"Someone needs to call Uncle Bob."
"Okay, give me the phone numbers."
As my family sat, not really holding back tears, informing me the little they knew, that my sisters Ford Escort had collided with a snow plow, I dialed numbers.
I called everyone.
It was a bad accident and we didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I wouldn't want to.
I called my dad's side of the family. I called the friends we grew up with. I called all of my sisters friends I had numbers for. I called all the family friends I could think of, and then I called my people. Some already knew by now.
Benita, whom I lovingly refer to as "rent-a-mom" (because I lived with her family at the time) worked at the same place as my sister. She got the call through the church prayer chain.
After an hour or so the Doctor came in to ask us permission to amputate my sisters left leg above the knee. My mom started weeping. The leg was pretty much destroyed and they really needed her body to focus on stopping the pressure in her brain if she was going to live. Too much blood was being diverted to the lower extremities. We said a resounding "take the leg." We would rather have her missing a piece than not have her at all. Prosthetics are amazing these days.
At that time, there was a little bit of hope.
They amputated the leg.
After another hour, my father and grandmother were there. A little while after that they were moving us to a waiting room in the Neuro ICU area. That was where we lived for three days. Most of my family, many friends, and a few stragglers who wandered in and out. We took the place over.
We prayed, with my pastor and his wife and most of my church leadership team, my whole family, in a circle, on our knees. People who don't pray. My grandfather. All of us in that waiting room like a sad bunch of sardines.
The rest is partially a big blur. They were not optimistic, but I believe in prayer, so we prayed, and we hoped. We went in and talked to her and held her hand, as the pressure ravaged her brain, and the drugs ravaged her body. She had 17 blood transfusions.
Then, suddenly, the pressure would start to drop. They would wheel her away and do tests. It looked a tiny bit more hopeful. Whatever you are doing, they said, keep doing it. My friend Amy worked upstairs in Peds. She came down around 2am Friday night and brought my cousin Stephanie and I up to find some scrubs to wear, and walk around a little. She encouraged my family. You gotta have hope.
She should know. Once pried out of a mangled car herself, locked there by a drunken driver. She was her own miracle story.
Saturday was again with the up and down. It doesn't look good...but now it looks better, keep doing what you are doing.
It was agonizing.
Then, we were calm, and things seemed ok for a little while.
Chaplains had been coming to visit with us, no doubt to prepare us for the worst. They were nice though at first.
One of them finally said to my mom, when news was bad, as if they were at a complete loss for understanding; "Why are you surprised? You knew there was no hope." At that moment all of my very good manners went out the window, and every ounce of christian indignation I have ever felt replaced them. I stood up in her face. "Don't you dare speak to my mother again. Of course we have hope. We will continue to have hope." I was not kind. I stalked away.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep.
Saturday night three of the best friends I have ever had, pulled me into a little side part of the waiting room, gave me a shot of Nyquil and laid around me on the floor in the dark, willing me to rest.
I felt strength ooze into me from them, my mighty pillars. Finally, I slept an hour.
Christian and Melanie went home.
At 2am Saturday morning I woke up, and Stephanie came in.
"Its at 90." she said, and the tears fell. Pressure. Pressure in the brain at 90.
I think we knew that was it.
I called Christians house at 2 in the morning, despite the fact that he lived with his parents. I woke them up, but who cares?
We went into her room one by one and talked to her. We prayed. We tried.
I had a breakdown in the hallway, in front of my cousins and my dad and uncle. They had to catch me. That was the only time.
Somehow we made it to 8am. The Nuerosurgeon (who we loved), came in and told us; "She's gone on."
My aunt asked, "What does that mean?" As everyone started to weep.
It would be hours more though, waiting for the organ donor folks and whatnot.
We gathered around her bed and held hands. We sang to her. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
We stayed. Until all the tests were done. We stayed to find out if her organs were viable. We stayed to find out that her heart, a perfect match for an eight year old in Canada, had had too many drugs flow through it to be used. Our hearts broke again.
Some did recieve life from my sister though. Kidney's, at least, gave two people another chance at life. One of them, was a nursing aid, just like my sis.
I kissed her on the forehead and they took her away...but she was already gone.
I had to go with my brother and a friend, to the car. There was a wedding ring on her keychain, and we needed to salvage anything possible from her car while we could. Anything of hers. I cannot even begin to describe it to you, or bring you to imagine my shock. The hood was gone. All of the airbags were a tattered mess. The top of the car was pulled back. The driver's seat wasn't even in the car. We stared at the carseat that had horrified the EMT's who responded to the accident. They were sure a child had been in the car, and frantically searched the side of the road for him.
I went home and sent a quick email, and then I planned a funeral. My mom and I both went to the funeral home, she talked to them. I did everything else. I talked to the news. I talked to the paper. I was the spokesperson for the family.
I did what I had to do, what I was good at doing.
By the time we left the hospital, we had gone through such emotional, physical, and spiritual pain, we were almost dry for a couple of days. A couple days after, my Mom, Tristan, Whitney and I were living at My Aunt Ruths house, and half the rest of the family was visiting. Hysterical laughter came and went. It's the balance to the emotional pendulum...especially in my family.
I had to track down my sisters best friend. Ugh. They hadn't spoken lately. She was living on the other side of the state. I had to call her mom at work, horrible. We had grown up next door to them for years. I had to tell her mom at work, that my sister had just died. Tegan thought I was calling because someone was getting married. I will never forget that phone call till the day it is my turn to go home. Tegan, her voice turning from pleasant surprise to agonizing shock.
The world for me, ceased to turn.
All the things that seem so important normally, fell completely off of my radar. I didn't go to work, I didn't go to school. I sat on my Aunts couch and stared out the big bay window, at that early morning grey before the world wakes. That is what I can picture the most clearly about those days. Sometimes, the smell of their house will still remind me.
I sang at the funeral. Jesus, Be The Centre.
Be my hope, be my trust. Be the fire in my heart, be the wind in these sails, be the reason that I live, Jesus.
What else is there? Nothing right then.
Two months. We were at my aunts. Eventually, of course, I was working. I had to. Still, we stayed. We couldn't bear to leave. I cried out a lot of tears. I hugged my cousins. I carried my nephew around. We sat at the table and brought up every quirk of every family member that had ever come and gone. We rehashed every hilarious childhood memory we could think of.
Eventually, it was time to go home.
Mom, had the hard part of going home to Chelle's room, and Chelle's things. We all had the hard part of just going on.
That's the real test.
Going back to living.
I feel that I recovered as well as one can. I feel like I got through it okay, because of my faith. I felt very close to God in those days. I am still me in so many ways. But then, in other ways...
I am inexplicably changed.
I can't even put my finger on it.
There is just a part of me that will never be the same.
Just when I think everything is normal, I feel it there, that difference in me that will never go away.
I think it is just that she is missing.
Not even the tragedy that took her, just her missing-ness.
We were seventeen months apart and she shared all of my memories, so its like half of my memories are missing.
It's as if the way I see things now is not holistic. It's like I only see part of the picture.
I am less secure about my family. She took care of everyone, and I am not her. I can never be her. There is an adhesive in my family that is gone now. If you knew us, you would understand. She was, as Whitney would say, the peanut butter. None of us is peanut butter. The sandwhich just doesn't stick together the way it used to.
I am still learning to find the good in the bad.
I would never have this relationship with Whitney if we had't suffered this together. She is the best. Still, we both know that we can never be her. We can never hold everyone together the way she did. We can never make mom stop wimpering in her sleep.
It is what it is.
She is gone.
I loved her. She was my biggest fan. She was the best of us. All the good things from all the family genes, compiled into one glowing girl.
I will never be whole again until I see her in heaven.
Fortunately, she has the good side of the story. Where she is, there is no more pain or suffering, and for that, I am truly glad.
If you are looking for something light to read, trust me, this is not going to be it.**
Thursday, February 1st, 2001...
I didn't feel like going to school. I got up and got dressed anyway. I really couldn't afford to miss anymore classes, and I still had nearly two full months left in the quarter. So, I went about the usual morning routine, got in my car, and started driving the 30 minutes to my community college.
A funny thing happened when I was nearly there. All of a sudden, I decided to go to my mom's house. I really wasn't feeling very well anyway, and I decided I just wanted to go there. I love my family, and the oldest of my two younger sisters and I were very close, but I usually am not someone who hides at mom's. I definitely don't have the sweet, warm kind of relationship with my mom that Lara David has with hers.
So I randomly drove to mom's.
My sister, who worked nights at a nursing home, was just getting ready to go to sleep for awhile. She was fixing a bottle for Tristan, her then 18 month old son. It was probably around 10 in the morning when I got there, as I didn't have my early class that morning and had left later than usual. My sister had, for some reason, pulled a mattress out onto the living room floor to sleep. I laid down and curled up with her and the baby. I gave them hugs and kisses and I love yous. We took a lovely nap together for an hour and a half or so, and then I left because I had to go to work.
I had no idea that nothing would ever be the same after that.
Thursday night I went to a Bible study. It was a habit for them to pray for whoever wanted prayer, before we went home. As the group was praying for someone I suddenly choked up. I caught myself on the edge of a sob that came from nowhere. A little girl voice had risen up inside of me, and I felt like saying; "I want my mommy." I had this nearly uncontrollable urge to go to my mom's house, which was nearby, but I new that I would stay too long, and I really needed to get home and go to bed, I had early classes in the morning that I definitely could not miss. Anyway, it was 9pm and my sister had already left for work across town.
I called my mom. She was light hearted, all was well.
I went home to bed.
Friday, February 2nd, 2001.
I got up early and drove to school for a 7:30 class. I sat on the far right side of the room, in the very front row. At around 8am a faculty member came into our classroom and I asked for me by name. I was not alarmed. She asked to talk to me, and told me to bring my stuff. It seemed odd, but I thought for some reason it might have something to do with my financial aid. Once we were out of the classroom she told me that my mom was on the phone.
I was annoyed.
It didn't initially occur to me that something might be wrong.
I wondered what she might be calling about, and verbally reprimanded her in my head.
Just as I got to the door of the office where the phone was waiting, it began to dawn on me that this wasn't quite right.
I came in and a woman handed me the phone.
"Hello?"
I wasn't annoyed anymore, just curious.
My Mother was very calm on the other line.
"Amanda?... There's been an accident"
"Who?" I asked. But I think I already knew.
"Chelle." And that is when I heard the wavering in her voice, and that is when I was afraid. My mom is like granite, an immovable force.
"is she okay?"
A sniff and a pause then..
"it doesn't look good. You need to come to the hospital."
I told her okay mom, I will be right there, but before I could go she caught me. "Amanda? Do I need to send your brother to get you? Are you ok to drive? I can't handle two accidents today."
I told her I was fine to drive, and I was.
I was very, very, eerily calm.
Everything was very clear.
I hung up the phone, thanked the woman who's desk it belonged to, and walked out of the room without looking back. I walked toward the parking lot, but stopped at the last building on campus, the one with all the business classes. I went inside the main doors to the phone, and called Janet Kruckenberg, a dear friend, and the secretary at my church. I told her that my sister had been in an accident, it didn't look good, please call the prayer chain, and I had to go now. It was all very calm. I hung up, went to my car, and drove to the hospital. I still felt super clear, but shaky underneath.
On the cd player in my car, Steven Curtis Chapman sang; "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope, cuz we know our goodbye is not the end." When the song ended he sang; "Be still and know that He is God."
At the hospital I didn't know where to go. I wandered in the emergency room doors, but didn't see anyone I knew. When I asked about my sister they had to look for her name, and as someone started to direct me down the hallway, my mom appeared and I followed her to an emergency waiting room on the first floor. My Aunt Ruth was there. Her oldest daughter Stephanie was there, Whitney was there.
I asked Mom who knows.
Her family, and Dad.
"Someone needs to call Uncle Bob."
"Okay, give me the phone numbers."
As my family sat, not really holding back tears, informing me the little they knew, that my sisters Ford Escort had collided with a snow plow, I dialed numbers.
I called everyone.
It was a bad accident and we didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I wouldn't want to.
I called my dad's side of the family. I called the friends we grew up with. I called all of my sisters friends I had numbers for. I called all the family friends I could think of, and then I called my people. Some already knew by now.
Benita, whom I lovingly refer to as "rent-a-mom" (because I lived with her family at the time) worked at the same place as my sister. She got the call through the church prayer chain.
After an hour or so the Doctor came in to ask us permission to amputate my sisters left leg above the knee. My mom started weeping. The leg was pretty much destroyed and they really needed her body to focus on stopping the pressure in her brain if she was going to live. Too much blood was being diverted to the lower extremities. We said a resounding "take the leg." We would rather have her missing a piece than not have her at all. Prosthetics are amazing these days.
At that time, there was a little bit of hope.
They amputated the leg.
After another hour, my father and grandmother were there. A little while after that they were moving us to a waiting room in the Neuro ICU area. That was where we lived for three days. Most of my family, many friends, and a few stragglers who wandered in and out. We took the place over.
We prayed, with my pastor and his wife and most of my church leadership team, my whole family, in a circle, on our knees. People who don't pray. My grandfather. All of us in that waiting room like a sad bunch of sardines.
The rest is partially a big blur. They were not optimistic, but I believe in prayer, so we prayed, and we hoped. We went in and talked to her and held her hand, as the pressure ravaged her brain, and the drugs ravaged her body. She had 17 blood transfusions.
Then, suddenly, the pressure would start to drop. They would wheel her away and do tests. It looked a tiny bit more hopeful. Whatever you are doing, they said, keep doing it. My friend Amy worked upstairs in Peds. She came down around 2am Friday night and brought my cousin Stephanie and I up to find some scrubs to wear, and walk around a little. She encouraged my family. You gotta have hope.
She should know. Once pried out of a mangled car herself, locked there by a drunken driver. She was her own miracle story.
Saturday was again with the up and down. It doesn't look good...but now it looks better, keep doing what you are doing.
It was agonizing.
Then, we were calm, and things seemed ok for a little while.
Chaplains had been coming to visit with us, no doubt to prepare us for the worst. They were nice though at first.
One of them finally said to my mom, when news was bad, as if they were at a complete loss for understanding; "Why are you surprised? You knew there was no hope." At that moment all of my very good manners went out the window, and every ounce of christian indignation I have ever felt replaced them. I stood up in her face. "Don't you dare speak to my mother again. Of course we have hope. We will continue to have hope." I was not kind. I stalked away.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep.
Saturday night three of the best friends I have ever had, pulled me into a little side part of the waiting room, gave me a shot of Nyquil and laid around me on the floor in the dark, willing me to rest.
I felt strength ooze into me from them, my mighty pillars. Finally, I slept an hour.
Christian and Melanie went home.
At 2am Saturday morning I woke up, and Stephanie came in.
"Its at 90." she said, and the tears fell. Pressure. Pressure in the brain at 90.
I think we knew that was it.
I called Christians house at 2 in the morning, despite the fact that he lived with his parents. I woke them up, but who cares?
We went into her room one by one and talked to her. We prayed. We tried.
I had a breakdown in the hallway, in front of my cousins and my dad and uncle. They had to catch me. That was the only time.
Somehow we made it to 8am. The Nuerosurgeon (who we loved), came in and told us; "She's gone on."
My aunt asked, "What does that mean?" As everyone started to weep.
It would be hours more though, waiting for the organ donor folks and whatnot.
We gathered around her bed and held hands. We sang to her. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
We stayed. Until all the tests were done. We stayed to find out if her organs were viable. We stayed to find out that her heart, a perfect match for an eight year old in Canada, had had too many drugs flow through it to be used. Our hearts broke again.
Some did recieve life from my sister though. Kidney's, at least, gave two people another chance at life. One of them, was a nursing aid, just like my sis.
I kissed her on the forehead and they took her away...but she was already gone.
I had to go with my brother and a friend, to the car. There was a wedding ring on her keychain, and we needed to salvage anything possible from her car while we could. Anything of hers. I cannot even begin to describe it to you, or bring you to imagine my shock. The hood was gone. All of the airbags were a tattered mess. The top of the car was pulled back. The driver's seat wasn't even in the car. We stared at the carseat that had horrified the EMT's who responded to the accident. They were sure a child had been in the car, and frantically searched the side of the road for him.
I went home and sent a quick email, and then I planned a funeral. My mom and I both went to the funeral home, she talked to them. I did everything else. I talked to the news. I talked to the paper. I was the spokesperson for the family.
I did what I had to do, what I was good at doing.
By the time we left the hospital, we had gone through such emotional, physical, and spiritual pain, we were almost dry for a couple of days. A couple days after, my Mom, Tristan, Whitney and I were living at My Aunt Ruths house, and half the rest of the family was visiting. Hysterical laughter came and went. It's the balance to the emotional pendulum...especially in my family.
I had to track down my sisters best friend. Ugh. They hadn't spoken lately. She was living on the other side of the state. I had to call her mom at work, horrible. We had grown up next door to them for years. I had to tell her mom at work, that my sister had just died. Tegan thought I was calling because someone was getting married. I will never forget that phone call till the day it is my turn to go home. Tegan, her voice turning from pleasant surprise to agonizing shock.
The world for me, ceased to turn.
All the things that seem so important normally, fell completely off of my radar. I didn't go to work, I didn't go to school. I sat on my Aunts couch and stared out the big bay window, at that early morning grey before the world wakes. That is what I can picture the most clearly about those days. Sometimes, the smell of their house will still remind me.
I sang at the funeral. Jesus, Be The Centre.
Be my hope, be my trust. Be the fire in my heart, be the wind in these sails, be the reason that I live, Jesus.
What else is there? Nothing right then.
Two months. We were at my aunts. Eventually, of course, I was working. I had to. Still, we stayed. We couldn't bear to leave. I cried out a lot of tears. I hugged my cousins. I carried my nephew around. We sat at the table and brought up every quirk of every family member that had ever come and gone. We rehashed every hilarious childhood memory we could think of.
Eventually, it was time to go home.
Mom, had the hard part of going home to Chelle's room, and Chelle's things. We all had the hard part of just going on.
That's the real test.
Going back to living.
I feel that I recovered as well as one can. I feel like I got through it okay, because of my faith. I felt very close to God in those days. I am still me in so many ways. But then, in other ways...
I am inexplicably changed.
I can't even put my finger on it.
There is just a part of me that will never be the same.
Just when I think everything is normal, I feel it there, that difference in me that will never go away.
I think it is just that she is missing.
Not even the tragedy that took her, just her missing-ness.
We were seventeen months apart and she shared all of my memories, so its like half of my memories are missing.
It's as if the way I see things now is not holistic. It's like I only see part of the picture.
I am less secure about my family. She took care of everyone, and I am not her. I can never be her. There is an adhesive in my family that is gone now. If you knew us, you would understand. She was, as Whitney would say, the peanut butter. None of us is peanut butter. The sandwhich just doesn't stick together the way it used to.
I am still learning to find the good in the bad.
I would never have this relationship with Whitney if we had't suffered this together. She is the best. Still, we both know that we can never be her. We can never hold everyone together the way she did. We can never make mom stop wimpering in her sleep.
It is what it is.
She is gone.
I loved her. She was my biggest fan. She was the best of us. All the good things from all the family genes, compiled into one glowing girl.
I will never be whole again until I see her in heaven.
Fortunately, she has the good side of the story. Where she is, there is no more pain or suffering, and for that, I am truly glad.
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