Do you like how it sounds like I am saying this to myself?!
I would like to take a brief side trail here to talk about Evanescence. Specifically, their debut album. It came out at a strange period in my life. I was getting ready to move off to L.A.
Okay, obviously that didn't work out so well. I wasn't there so long!! Anyway...I listened to that album a lot during that time, and it still brings back this whole amazing rush of feelings.
Good, but really quite interesting feelings that I have a hard time describing. It connects with getting outside the box. Getting in touch with something inside, and at the same time, escaping one's environment.
Strange, I know, but there it is.
I was listening to my ipod and one of the songs came on and I thought; It's a really great day to hear this song.
So back to me being a respectable grownup type person.
Surely, I am. Yes, yes. I simply must be.
Some days I even feel like I am!!
What is bringing this on you ask? My need to remind myself that this simply must be the truth? Well, to be honest, the answer is quite lame. I am pretty sure I don't even want to share it. =P
Stupid stuff.
Stupid stuff that I have apparently not learned to put aside and care less about.
I am doing pretty good here. Work is pretty good. I am paying my bills. I love the weather. I am a wee bit inspired to take a couple of classes...
In general, I just can't complain.
And yet.. Don't we always find something to be unsatisfied about?
I can distract myself from a lot of things. I am good at dealing with pain. I can put it aside and smile on the surface despite however I feel inside. In fact, I can even feel pretty good on the surface.
Still, sometimes there are things that are lurking down there in my heart. I can't quite get rid of them. They come and go, but when they are here, there is no ignoring that fact. I can put them aside for awhile. I have learned to live with their company. Even so, GGRRR!!! I don't want to have to!! Makes me MAD!
So here is my very, very lame and ugly confession, which will only be given to you bloggers out there in the abyss.
I feel like the crypt keeper. =) My little sister, who recently turned 18, is engaged. She and her Beau have been dating for some time. I am not completely surprised to be honest, and yet, I didn't expect it to come so soon. I would like it much better if he loved Jesus, but he is really good to my sister and makes her happy, so you take what you can get. She deserves some happiness.
The question then occurs to me, however unbidden, do I not?
It's a stupid question. I might as well ask, Does JillB not? Of course she does. We know that she is a charming individual, and the same age as me (although NOT the crypt keeper. hehe).
There is no measuring device for who deserves happiness, and who doesn't. Besides, there are plenty of desperately unhappy married people. That isn't happiness really, it is just something that we want. A nice bonus!
I am okay with that. Okay with being single.
In fact, if I could just set better goals and get the freak on with it, I would be overjoyed.
If I could just put it aside and not freaking think about it!! Grrr!! Not like its ever present, but you know what I mean. It lurks.
That is what makes me angry. It's lurkiness. Ready to pounce on me and tell me how unworthy I am, and how it is something that has passed me by, when instead I should be feeling happiness for those I care about.
Besides, my other siblings and cousins have been popping out babies for the last three years. This should not be shocking.
Stoopid! STTOOOOPPIIIDDD!!! =)
I know these lies are not true, but again with the lurky. If I could just kick Mr. Lurky to the curb, we would be doing great.
Unfortunately, it is there right now, underneath everything else. That feeling that its just not for me. Which, I could deal with, if I just didn't want it so fucking badly. GRRR! I hate not being able to control that. Really, truly hate it.
Well, I just keep on pressing on, because that is what I do. Pain or no pain. I just wish I could stop secretly thinking that He is punishing me, or that this is a secret experiment, to see how much I can take. How many times my heart can nearly beat out of its chest and still stay put!
I can't let myself dwell there.
I have to just pick myself up and go forward, to wherever that is.
It's all good. In the end, I know, its all good.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Apparently, I have been tagged. I guess I'm IT!
Lara tagged Jill, and Jill tagged me.
Unfortunately, that means that I have to find a spark of creativity, and I am just not feeling it. ha.
They didn't give me any specific rules, so I am just going to have to go with it!!
Since next Monday is my 31st birthday, I am going to give you 31 of my favorite songs, and a few random memories that go with them. I love music, and this is by no means an exhaustive list of my favorites. Reading Jill and Lara's memes however, got me thinking about days gone by, so I dug into the past for many of these. Hope you enjoy (or are at least amused! ha!)
1. When I was very young...4ish? I remember my sister and I sitting with my parents on the hide-a-bed, singing into one of those stereo microphones, along with old Chicago. Not just one song, actually, although "Saturday in the Park" always comes to mind. Somewhere, once, there existed a tape of this. I wish I knew where. If it still even exists.
2. When I was a kid, my great grandmother lived in Sunnyside, Washington, which is also where my dad and his siblings went to high school. We used to drive there all the time to visit and there were three albums we listened to over and over, that became ingrained in my head. The first song I remember from these is a song called "The Master's Call" by Marty Robbins. It was the first favorite song I can remember, from like the 3rd grade. Nearly 15 years later, when I had not heard the song since I was a kid, I could still remember every single word.
3. "Hello" Lionel Richie
Again, one of my oldest favorite songs. Another song from road trips, these with my mom and aunt.
4. One of my most favorite songs ever is a song called "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood. Once, when I was like 11, my very first crush (Stevie Ferguson, who was my neighbor and friend until I was six) and his family, visited ours from California. My friends and I had a slumber party in the yard. Sleeping under the stars I listened to that song and dreamed of Stevie, and a 12 yr old happy ever after. :p
5. "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel was my cousin Stephanie's favorite song when we were kids, and she is still fond of it. Her parents drove this tiny Sprint, and crammed all of us cousins in the back all the time. We would holler the chorus at the top of our lungs, but our mom's didn't care, they would just sing along. =)
6. "True Blue" Ooohhh Madonna. I still love this song, I confess. I pilfered it from the neighbor girl in the fifth grade. Whenever my parents let me be home alone I would turn it up super loud and listen to it five times in a row.
7. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. My cousins and siblings and I, on warm summer evenings, used to sit out on my grandmothers deck while the grown-ups played cards. We would watch the bug zapper light up and buzz, and everytime it did we would sing in chorus; "Du dun dun dun...Another one bites the dust!" Sometimes now someone will do it just to make everyone else laugh.
8. "I will Always Love You" the Whitney Houston version. I can't help it. Even if it's cheesy, this song was playing in the background during my last, and most memorable kiss. =)
9. "I'll Be There For You" Bon Jovi
My friend Dani (whom I grew up with) and I used to be huge Bon Jovi fans. We grew up listening to them. When I finally saw them in concert with my Aunt and cousin about three years ago, I commented to them as Richie Sambora started to sing this song...."It just isn't the same without Dani here to tell me what a cute butt he has!" :p
10. "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" Elton John.
I can't even give you a great memory for this one. It was really popular on the radio around the same time as the above mentioned "For the Longest Time." Somthing about the melody just captured me, even when I was so young, and I still love this song. It just haunts me.
11. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Tears for Fears
Ya know. There are just some songs that remind you of when you were young. Summertime, barbecues, going to the lake. Feeling good in general. This is one of those songs. Also a great summer driving song, although not the #1. See below. :p
12. "Hysteria" Def Leppard
It is my personal opinion that this is the best summer driving song EVER. No, I mean it, EVER.
13."If I Stand" Rich Mullins
Okay, I so hate that Rich died before I got to see him in concert. The man was an insanely good hammered dulcimer player. Listening to those songs of his that are full of the dulcimer just fill me with unexplainable happiness. I love this guy. My old youth pastor was a big fan too, and it was one of those things we bonded over. I just have a lot of memories of my old college group days, and Rich's songs in the background.
14. "Let Me Sing" Andrew Peterson
Because it says everything I feel about my faith. What I would sing to God, if I knew I were singing to God.
15. "Sing Sing Sing" specifically from the Swing Kids soundtrack as well, but really, any version, its a GREAT song.
We coerced the DJ to play it at my senior prom! Oh man, we had so much fun dancing to that. My friend Chris offered to flip me, but I politely declined. I confess, I was afraid that I was heavier than him and he would drop me. =)
16. "Family Tradition" Hank Williams Jr.
Seriously, this lands in the list of all-time faves. I don't think I even would have liked it, but I used to go once in awhile to this country bar at the state line when I was in my late teens and early twenties. The band ALWAYS played this song. Not only was there a line dance that went with it, but EVERYONE sang the words at the top of their lungs. It was a rowdy atmosphere, but oh my gosh, I have rarely had such fun.
17. "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'" Michael Jackson
No, I have not outgrown the Thriller album. Let's face it, it was one of the best albums ever. Plus, it reminds me so much of when I was young. My mom and my aunt used to be huge Michael Jackson fans (at least until he turned into the crypt keeper).
18. "Where the Green Grass Grows" Tim McGraw
I used to take long drives when I needed to think or felt stressed out. I would drive up toward Mnt. Spokane at dusk, and this is just one of those songs that I always loved to listen to, while taking in the general splendor of wheat fields bordered by heavy pine. Smelling the smells, and feeling at peace. It still reminds me of home, and is also a Becky and Amanda song. It always makes me think of her. Love you Beck!
19. "Martyrs & Thieves" Jennifer Knapp
Actually, every song on this cd reminds me of DTS, especially India, but this song particularly reminds me of Shawn. I would leave my boom box in the kitchen (this is in Amsterdam), so that the clean up crew could use it, and I remember coming down later, and finding Shawn sitting on the counter in the dark, listening to Martyrs & Thieves.
20.The National Anthem
Laugh if you must, but I cry everytime I hear it. No kidding. I mean, I may not shed actual tears at a sporting event, but they certainly well up a bit. 4th of July? Yeah, forget it, its over.
21. "The Easter Song" Keith Green
Okay, if you listen to Keith these days, he sounds a bit hokey, but you know he was great for his time. Check out the Afro!! Anyway, I had never really listened to him before DTS, and then one time on outreach we were driving somewhere, singing all these old sunday school songs (most of which I didn't know since I didn't grow up in ss) and somebody started to sing this song. Slowly, most of the other people joined in. I didn't know the words of course, but I got chills listening. Listening to the song now brings back that memory, but nothing will ever be as amazing as hearing all those lovely people sing it wholeheartedly.
22. "You Are The New Day" The Kings Singers
Actually, I can't remember the arrangement, though I know I still have the music in my hope chest. We sang this song in high school for graduation. Not my graduation, but the class before me. It was maybe my favorite song I ever sang in choir. Haha. Choir trips always make me remember how I flashed a guy while changing on the bus. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but I probably showed him a little more than I would have liked for him to see. lol.
23. "Day by Day" Arrangement unknown
Again, high school. This is one of the songs we sang in jazz choir, and it just happens to stick out. Jazz choir was the best thing that ever happened to me. You know those pathetic people that think high school included the best days of their lives?! I am one of those pathetic people. I have never felt the way I felt in choir, about anything else. Ever.
24. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Do I even need to say U2?!!
Obviously, there is a lot behind this song. I love a lot ( a really really lot) of U2 songs, but this has always been one of my faves. I think because it includes the line "The real battle yet begun, to claim the victory Jesus won."
25. "Help Me Believe" Nichole Nordeman
Because it is so me. Really. When I sing it, its like I wrote it.
26. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" John Mayer
Just listen to the music. So bluesy. I love songs that sound like this. Currently playing in the Amanda music library.
27. "Mystery" Indigo Girls
For this line alone: "I could go crazy on a night like tonight, when summer's beginning to give up her fight..."
My friend from high school got me hooked on Indigo Girls. I love pretty much everything they have done, but this is the song I would crank on those late summer evenings when I could take off my t-tops and cruise.
28. "Promentory" (#6!) Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
Because lets face it, this is one of the best soundtracks in the history of soundtracks (and you know you think so), and this is one of the best tracks on this cd!!!
29. "I'll Cover You"(Reprise) from Rent (Original motion picture soundtrack)
Maybe because there had to be a Rent song on here. It really moves me. More than I can explain.
30. "Rickety House" Pages of May
I know you have never heard of them before, but I sincerely wish otherwise. It was a local band. I knew the guys through church friends. They were very solid musically, and the songwriting was so fantastic. It was the bass and drum line that really sucked you in though. Those two guys were friends, and they were tight. It's all about a good rythm section. Anyway..they were sincerely one of my favorite bands ever ever ever.
31. Title Unknown
In high school my friend Chris played the piano for me, and sang me this song in one of our practice rooms. He sang it TO me. I can still remember. I can hear his voice. It always brings with it a lot of emotion.
So there you have it! Yay for you if you managed to stay awake through all of that tedium. haha!
At least Jill will be forced to, since she made me do it! :p
Unfortunately, that means that I have to find a spark of creativity, and I am just not feeling it. ha.
They didn't give me any specific rules, so I am just going to have to go with it!!
Since next Monday is my 31st birthday, I am going to give you 31 of my favorite songs, and a few random memories that go with them. I love music, and this is by no means an exhaustive list of my favorites. Reading Jill and Lara's memes however, got me thinking about days gone by, so I dug into the past for many of these. Hope you enjoy (or are at least amused! ha!)
1. When I was very young...4ish? I remember my sister and I sitting with my parents on the hide-a-bed, singing into one of those stereo microphones, along with old Chicago. Not just one song, actually, although "Saturday in the Park" always comes to mind. Somewhere, once, there existed a tape of this. I wish I knew where. If it still even exists.
2. When I was a kid, my great grandmother lived in Sunnyside, Washington, which is also where my dad and his siblings went to high school. We used to drive there all the time to visit and there were three albums we listened to over and over, that became ingrained in my head. The first song I remember from these is a song called "The Master's Call" by Marty Robbins. It was the first favorite song I can remember, from like the 3rd grade. Nearly 15 years later, when I had not heard the song since I was a kid, I could still remember every single word.
3. "Hello" Lionel Richie
Again, one of my oldest favorite songs. Another song from road trips, these with my mom and aunt.
4. One of my most favorite songs ever is a song called "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood. Once, when I was like 11, my very first crush (Stevie Ferguson, who was my neighbor and friend until I was six) and his family, visited ours from California. My friends and I had a slumber party in the yard. Sleeping under the stars I listened to that song and dreamed of Stevie, and a 12 yr old happy ever after. :p
5. "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel was my cousin Stephanie's favorite song when we were kids, and she is still fond of it. Her parents drove this tiny Sprint, and crammed all of us cousins in the back all the time. We would holler the chorus at the top of our lungs, but our mom's didn't care, they would just sing along. =)
6. "True Blue" Ooohhh Madonna. I still love this song, I confess. I pilfered it from the neighbor girl in the fifth grade. Whenever my parents let me be home alone I would turn it up super loud and listen to it five times in a row.
7. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. My cousins and siblings and I, on warm summer evenings, used to sit out on my grandmothers deck while the grown-ups played cards. We would watch the bug zapper light up and buzz, and everytime it did we would sing in chorus; "Du dun dun dun...Another one bites the dust!" Sometimes now someone will do it just to make everyone else laugh.
8. "I will Always Love You" the Whitney Houston version. I can't help it. Even if it's cheesy, this song was playing in the background during my last, and most memorable kiss. =)
9. "I'll Be There For You" Bon Jovi
My friend Dani (whom I grew up with) and I used to be huge Bon Jovi fans. We grew up listening to them. When I finally saw them in concert with my Aunt and cousin about three years ago, I commented to them as Richie Sambora started to sing this song...."It just isn't the same without Dani here to tell me what a cute butt he has!" :p
10. "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" Elton John.
I can't even give you a great memory for this one. It was really popular on the radio around the same time as the above mentioned "For the Longest Time." Somthing about the melody just captured me, even when I was so young, and I still love this song. It just haunts me.
11. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Tears for Fears
Ya know. There are just some songs that remind you of when you were young. Summertime, barbecues, going to the lake. Feeling good in general. This is one of those songs. Also a great summer driving song, although not the #1. See below. :p
12. "Hysteria" Def Leppard
It is my personal opinion that this is the best summer driving song EVER. No, I mean it, EVER.
13."If I Stand" Rich Mullins
Okay, I so hate that Rich died before I got to see him in concert. The man was an insanely good hammered dulcimer player. Listening to those songs of his that are full of the dulcimer just fill me with unexplainable happiness. I love this guy. My old youth pastor was a big fan too, and it was one of those things we bonded over. I just have a lot of memories of my old college group days, and Rich's songs in the background.
14. "Let Me Sing" Andrew Peterson
Because it says everything I feel about my faith. What I would sing to God, if I knew I were singing to God.
15. "Sing Sing Sing" specifically from the Swing Kids soundtrack as well, but really, any version, its a GREAT song.
We coerced the DJ to play it at my senior prom! Oh man, we had so much fun dancing to that. My friend Chris offered to flip me, but I politely declined. I confess, I was afraid that I was heavier than him and he would drop me. =)
16. "Family Tradition" Hank Williams Jr.
Seriously, this lands in the list of all-time faves. I don't think I even would have liked it, but I used to go once in awhile to this country bar at the state line when I was in my late teens and early twenties. The band ALWAYS played this song. Not only was there a line dance that went with it, but EVERYONE sang the words at the top of their lungs. It was a rowdy atmosphere, but oh my gosh, I have rarely had such fun.
17. "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'" Michael Jackson
No, I have not outgrown the Thriller album. Let's face it, it was one of the best albums ever. Plus, it reminds me so much of when I was young. My mom and my aunt used to be huge Michael Jackson fans (at least until he turned into the crypt keeper).
18. "Where the Green Grass Grows" Tim McGraw
I used to take long drives when I needed to think or felt stressed out. I would drive up toward Mnt. Spokane at dusk, and this is just one of those songs that I always loved to listen to, while taking in the general splendor of wheat fields bordered by heavy pine. Smelling the smells, and feeling at peace. It still reminds me of home, and is also a Becky and Amanda song. It always makes me think of her. Love you Beck!
19. "Martyrs & Thieves" Jennifer Knapp
Actually, every song on this cd reminds me of DTS, especially India, but this song particularly reminds me of Shawn. I would leave my boom box in the kitchen (this is in Amsterdam), so that the clean up crew could use it, and I remember coming down later, and finding Shawn sitting on the counter in the dark, listening to Martyrs & Thieves.
20.The National Anthem
Laugh if you must, but I cry everytime I hear it. No kidding. I mean, I may not shed actual tears at a sporting event, but they certainly well up a bit. 4th of July? Yeah, forget it, its over.
21. "The Easter Song" Keith Green
Okay, if you listen to Keith these days, he sounds a bit hokey, but you know he was great for his time. Check out the Afro!! Anyway, I had never really listened to him before DTS, and then one time on outreach we were driving somewhere, singing all these old sunday school songs (most of which I didn't know since I didn't grow up in ss) and somebody started to sing this song. Slowly, most of the other people joined in. I didn't know the words of course, but I got chills listening. Listening to the song now brings back that memory, but nothing will ever be as amazing as hearing all those lovely people sing it wholeheartedly.
22. "You Are The New Day" The Kings Singers
Actually, I can't remember the arrangement, though I know I still have the music in my hope chest. We sang this song in high school for graduation. Not my graduation, but the class before me. It was maybe my favorite song I ever sang in choir. Haha. Choir trips always make me remember how I flashed a guy while changing on the bus. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but I probably showed him a little more than I would have liked for him to see. lol.
23. "Day by Day" Arrangement unknown
Again, high school. This is one of the songs we sang in jazz choir, and it just happens to stick out. Jazz choir was the best thing that ever happened to me. You know those pathetic people that think high school included the best days of their lives?! I am one of those pathetic people. I have never felt the way I felt in choir, about anything else. Ever.
24. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Do I even need to say U2?!!
Obviously, there is a lot behind this song. I love a lot ( a really really lot) of U2 songs, but this has always been one of my faves. I think because it includes the line "The real battle yet begun, to claim the victory Jesus won."
25. "Help Me Believe" Nichole Nordeman
Because it is so me. Really. When I sing it, its like I wrote it.
26. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" John Mayer
Just listen to the music. So bluesy. I love songs that sound like this. Currently playing in the Amanda music library.
27. "Mystery" Indigo Girls
For this line alone: "I could go crazy on a night like tonight, when summer's beginning to give up her fight..."
My friend from high school got me hooked on Indigo Girls. I love pretty much everything they have done, but this is the song I would crank on those late summer evenings when I could take off my t-tops and cruise.
28. "Promentory" (#6!) Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
Because lets face it, this is one of the best soundtracks in the history of soundtracks (and you know you think so), and this is one of the best tracks on this cd!!!
29. "I'll Cover You"(Reprise) from Rent (Original motion picture soundtrack)
Maybe because there had to be a Rent song on here. It really moves me. More than I can explain.
30. "Rickety House" Pages of May
I know you have never heard of them before, but I sincerely wish otherwise. It was a local band. I knew the guys through church friends. They were very solid musically, and the songwriting was so fantastic. It was the bass and drum line that really sucked you in though. Those two guys were friends, and they were tight. It's all about a good rythm section. Anyway..they were sincerely one of my favorite bands ever ever ever.
31. Title Unknown
In high school my friend Chris played the piano for me, and sang me this song in one of our practice rooms. He sang it TO me. I can still remember. I can hear his voice. It always brings with it a lot of emotion.
So there you have it! Yay for you if you managed to stay awake through all of that tedium. haha!
At least Jill will be forced to, since she made me do it! :p
Thursday, May 24, 2007
More fun for you
 |
Thirteen things I can never seem to remember... 1. Updating people's email. At work or at home, it doesn't matter. I am constantly forgetting or putting it off. 2. To pay my water bill. The money has been chilling in the bank for a week, but I still haven't gotten around to it. 3. That sometimes I need to call my grandmother. I love my grandmother, tremendously, so what's my deal?? 4. That I don't have to wait to fill up my gas tank until I am running on fumes. 5. To buy food which I will actually take to work for lunch. 6. That I should not stay up until 10pm when I have to open in the morning. 7. To set my alarm clock half an hour earlier. 8. To send a message to Lisa on myspace, asking if she is in touch with Deena. Grrr! Everytime I think about it, I am away from home. Rawr. 9. Where I left my mind. Has anyone seen it? 10. My train of thought. Good Lord but having a long conversation with me is interesting. 11. What was I saying?? 12. Mailing things. Letters will sit on my desk for a month, I kid you not. 13. Creating an interesting list of things for Thursday Thirteens. Not that I have had a lot of time lately, but still. I meant to do it. Honest. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Big Paranoid Whussy
Yup, that's me.
Okay, so I had an infection and they put me on antibiotics. At the end of the antibiotics I still wasn't feeling completely recovered, so they looked at my urine (pleasant topic of conversation, I know) again and thought...hmm...maybe there is a tiny bit of something left over, even though we think you should be better by now, so just to be safe here is ten days worth of the totally-serious-kick-your-ass antibiotics. Within one day of those kicking in I was completely feeling fabulous, but I had to take them for ten days anyway. She told me, if this doesn't clear it up, we may need to do an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.
But alas, day ten came and went, and I felt great. I went and did the follow up urine sample (just to be sure all the baddies were gone.) She said it was still not quite as clear as she would like, but it was ok, and I had no symptoms. So off I went. She would just do some cultures as kind of a follow up to be sure.
So today I get this message from my Doctors office; Could I please come in ASAP and redo my urine sample, because they found blood in it (obviously not the kind I can see, but the very small microscopic kind). As soon as possible?
That doesn't sound alarming or anything.
So what does that mean? Am I going to have to have an ultrasound?
I don't like that action!
I am all just say no-ey to finding things wrong inside of me.
I am feeling just a tiny bit....freaked out.
I mean, you are talking to the girl who is going to have to take a knock-me-out pill an hour before the dentist, just so they can stick a needle in my mouth without me freaking out and whacking somebody with a drill!
Ugh.
Maybe it will be just fine.
That is what I keep telling myself, although paranoid surgical procedures keep popping into my head unbidden.
Bleh.
In other news...little sister turned 18 yesterday and I am turning 31 a week from Monday. I am officially crossing into "old". hahaha. :p Okay, maybe not old...just not young. =) I would like 31 to come with great health.
*crosses fingers*
Okay, so I had an infection and they put me on antibiotics. At the end of the antibiotics I still wasn't feeling completely recovered, so they looked at my urine (pleasant topic of conversation, I know) again and thought...hmm...maybe there is a tiny bit of something left over, even though we think you should be better by now, so just to be safe here is ten days worth of the totally-serious-kick-your-ass antibiotics. Within one day of those kicking in I was completely feeling fabulous, but I had to take them for ten days anyway. She told me, if this doesn't clear it up, we may need to do an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.
But alas, day ten came and went, and I felt great. I went and did the follow up urine sample (just to be sure all the baddies were gone.) She said it was still not quite as clear as she would like, but it was ok, and I had no symptoms. So off I went. She would just do some cultures as kind of a follow up to be sure.
So today I get this message from my Doctors office; Could I please come in ASAP and redo my urine sample, because they found blood in it (obviously not the kind I can see, but the very small microscopic kind). As soon as possible?
That doesn't sound alarming or anything.
So what does that mean? Am I going to have to have an ultrasound?
I don't like that action!
I am all just say no-ey to finding things wrong inside of me.
I am feeling just a tiny bit....freaked out.
I mean, you are talking to the girl who is going to have to take a knock-me-out pill an hour before the dentist, just so they can stick a needle in my mouth without me freaking out and whacking somebody with a drill!
Ugh.
Maybe it will be just fine.
That is what I keep telling myself, although paranoid surgical procedures keep popping into my head unbidden.
Bleh.
In other news...little sister turned 18 yesterday and I am turning 31 a week from Monday. I am officially crossing into "old". hahaha. :p Okay, maybe not old...just not young. =) I would like 31 to come with great health.
*crosses fingers*
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thursday Thirteen
|
Thirteen Things I'd Like to Do in the Next Five Years... 1. Go Back to Amsterdam. I know you knew this was coming. Please. Could I be more predictable? 2. Buy a red jeep. I just really want one ok?! I have always wanted one, and I just can't stand it anymore!!!! 3. Start to like my blog. Yes, currently I am driving myself crazy with my incessant self pity. 4. Meet my husband. Come on! I can be a silly girl for a minute if I want to be!! Besides, I want my grandparents to know him, and they are not getting any younger. 5. Go on a really long road trip with my little sister. She is the coolest girl in the world!! Who knows when we'd be able to afford it, but it would be such a freaking blast. 6. See Abercrombie and Fitch go bankrupt. Hahahahaha. A girl can dream. 7. Be more financially secure. Who doesn't want that really? Simple, yet important. 8. Make-out with David Boreanaz. :p hehe. Just threw that in to see if you were paying attention. He is cute though. *wink wink* 9. See my mom be more happy, less stressed and bitter. Things at home are not that great. 10. See my cousin Cassie turn into a respectable young woman, rather than a hoochie mama boy toy. Rawr. 11. Hear some good news from Jason in Florida. If you know me, you know what that news is. 12. Push Becky down the road in a shopping cart. Just to prove I can still be juvenile. :p This event is made more difficult by the fact that Becky lives in Corpus, and I live here in the Seattle area, but oh well! And finally... 13. Sing something somewhere that people can actually hear it. Karaoke, YouTube, just somewhere so I can go; "Oh yeah, I can still do that..I still like to do that." So there you have it. My very first Thursday Thirteen. I decided to give in and join the throng. Maybe I will even remember to do it next week. We'll see! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Who dosed my Cheerios?
Actually, I haven't eaten any Cheerios. So maybe you slipped the drugs into my coffee this morning??
Well, it worked. I am in a tremendously good mood.
The weather doesn't really hurt.
It is absolutely lovely tonight.
I keep listening to this Sick Puppies song over and over for no apparent reason. I can't seem to stop.
Last night I was watching the news and they had some story about wedding insurance. I didn't watch all of it, but I guess you can insure your wedding in case it sucks. lol. That makes no sense to me. Shouldn't you be much more worried about the marriage?? Besides, what are you going to do?? Sue your drunk and obnoxious uncle George? I mean, you know it is going to be the crazy family members that mess things up, not the wedding planner or the cake decorator.
Personally, I think the couple making out in the parking lot of the wedding chapel, and the ring bearer picking his wedgie while he is walking down the aisle, are the things that make weddings memorable. =)
Invite the crazies, that's what I say!
Well, it worked. I am in a tremendously good mood.
The weather doesn't really hurt.
It is absolutely lovely tonight.
I keep listening to this Sick Puppies song over and over for no apparent reason. I can't seem to stop.
Last night I was watching the news and they had some story about wedding insurance. I didn't watch all of it, but I guess you can insure your wedding in case it sucks. lol. That makes no sense to me. Shouldn't you be much more worried about the marriage?? Besides, what are you going to do?? Sue your drunk and obnoxious uncle George? I mean, you know it is going to be the crazy family members that mess things up, not the wedding planner or the cake decorator.
Personally, I think the couple making out in the parking lot of the wedding chapel, and the ring bearer picking his wedgie while he is walking down the aisle, are the things that make weddings memorable. =)
Invite the crazies, that's what I say!
Monday, May 14, 2007
#2 For Today
I hate my blog.
I was reading some blogs last night that were articulate and hilarious, and it reminded me that I live in a tiny little corner of the world, and therefore have lost some of my prior inspirations. I am going to work on snapping out of that. I miss having actual intelligent thoughts come out of my brain. :p (You know, as opposed to random wordy bouts of self pity.) =)
You can read all the books you want (and should!), but nothing makes up for the actual push and pull of relationships to get a persons mind raging. :p
I know this is a short post.
I did submit a rather long post a little while ago, that I actually wrote last night when I should have been sleeping.
So there.
And Goodnight.
I was reading some blogs last night that were articulate and hilarious, and it reminded me that I live in a tiny little corner of the world, and therefore have lost some of my prior inspirations. I am going to work on snapping out of that. I miss having actual intelligent thoughts come out of my brain. :p (You know, as opposed to random wordy bouts of self pity.) =)
You can read all the books you want (and should!), but nothing makes up for the actual push and pull of relationships to get a persons mind raging. :p
I know this is a short post.
I did submit a rather long post a little while ago, that I actually wrote last night when I should have been sleeping.
So there.
And Goodnight.
Because It Needs To Be Told.
** I Should make this disclaimer... I feel weird about posting this, though I don't know why. I knew I would eventually, but I can't tell you why now. I can tell you that I didn't write it to sound eloquent, or well spoken. I just wrote it. It is what it is.
If you are looking for something light to read, trust me, this is not going to be it.**
Thursday, February 1st, 2001...
I didn't feel like going to school. I got up and got dressed anyway. I really couldn't afford to miss anymore classes, and I still had nearly two full months left in the quarter. So, I went about the usual morning routine, got in my car, and started driving the 30 minutes to my community college.
A funny thing happened when I was nearly there. All of a sudden, I decided to go to my mom's house. I really wasn't feeling very well anyway, and I decided I just wanted to go there. I love my family, and the oldest of my two younger sisters and I were very close, but I usually am not someone who hides at mom's. I definitely don't have the sweet, warm kind of relationship with my mom that Lara David has with hers.
So I randomly drove to mom's.
My sister, who worked nights at a nursing home, was just getting ready to go to sleep for awhile. She was fixing a bottle for Tristan, her then 18 month old son. It was probably around 10 in the morning when I got there, as I didn't have my early class that morning and had left later than usual. My sister had, for some reason, pulled a mattress out onto the living room floor to sleep. I laid down and curled up with her and the baby. I gave them hugs and kisses and I love yous. We took a lovely nap together for an hour and a half or so, and then I left because I had to go to work.
I had no idea that nothing would ever be the same after that.
Thursday night I went to a Bible study. It was a habit for them to pray for whoever wanted prayer, before we went home. As the group was praying for someone I suddenly choked up. I caught myself on the edge of a sob that came from nowhere. A little girl voice had risen up inside of me, and I felt like saying; "I want my mommy." I had this nearly uncontrollable urge to go to my mom's house, which was nearby, but I new that I would stay too long, and I really needed to get home and go to bed, I had early classes in the morning that I definitely could not miss. Anyway, it was 9pm and my sister had already left for work across town.
I called my mom. She was light hearted, all was well.
I went home to bed.
Friday, February 2nd, 2001.
I got up early and drove to school for a 7:30 class. I sat on the far right side of the room, in the very front row. At around 8am a faculty member came into our classroom and I asked for me by name. I was not alarmed. She asked to talk to me, and told me to bring my stuff. It seemed odd, but I thought for some reason it might have something to do with my financial aid. Once we were out of the classroom she told me that my mom was on the phone.
I was annoyed.
It didn't initially occur to me that something might be wrong.
I wondered what she might be calling about, and verbally reprimanded her in my head.
Just as I got to the door of the office where the phone was waiting, it began to dawn on me that this wasn't quite right.
I came in and a woman handed me the phone.
"Hello?"
I wasn't annoyed anymore, just curious.
My Mother was very calm on the other line.
"Amanda?... There's been an accident"
"Who?" I asked. But I think I already knew.
"Chelle." And that is when I heard the wavering in her voice, and that is when I was afraid. My mom is like granite, an immovable force.
"is she okay?"
A sniff and a pause then..
"it doesn't look good. You need to come to the hospital."
I told her okay mom, I will be right there, but before I could go she caught me. "Amanda? Do I need to send your brother to get you? Are you ok to drive? I can't handle two accidents today."
I told her I was fine to drive, and I was.
I was very, very, eerily calm.
Everything was very clear.
I hung up the phone, thanked the woman who's desk it belonged to, and walked out of the room without looking back. I walked toward the parking lot, but stopped at the last building on campus, the one with all the business classes. I went inside the main doors to the phone, and called Janet Kruckenberg, a dear friend, and the secretary at my church. I told her that my sister had been in an accident, it didn't look good, please call the prayer chain, and I had to go now. It was all very calm. I hung up, went to my car, and drove to the hospital. I still felt super clear, but shaky underneath.
On the cd player in my car, Steven Curtis Chapman sang; "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope, cuz we know our goodbye is not the end." When the song ended he sang; "Be still and know that He is God."
At the hospital I didn't know where to go. I wandered in the emergency room doors, but didn't see anyone I knew. When I asked about my sister they had to look for her name, and as someone started to direct me down the hallway, my mom appeared and I followed her to an emergency waiting room on the first floor. My Aunt Ruth was there. Her oldest daughter Stephanie was there, Whitney was there.
I asked Mom who knows.
Her family, and Dad.
"Someone needs to call Uncle Bob."
"Okay, give me the phone numbers."
As my family sat, not really holding back tears, informing me the little they knew, that my sisters Ford Escort had collided with a snow plow, I dialed numbers.
I called everyone.
It was a bad accident and we didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I wouldn't want to.
I called my dad's side of the family. I called the friends we grew up with. I called all of my sisters friends I had numbers for. I called all the family friends I could think of, and then I called my people. Some already knew by now.
Benita, whom I lovingly refer to as "rent-a-mom" (because I lived with her family at the time) worked at the same place as my sister. She got the call through the church prayer chain.
After an hour or so the Doctor came in to ask us permission to amputate my sisters left leg above the knee. My mom started weeping. The leg was pretty much destroyed and they really needed her body to focus on stopping the pressure in her brain if she was going to live. Too much blood was being diverted to the lower extremities. We said a resounding "take the leg." We would rather have her missing a piece than not have her at all. Prosthetics are amazing these days.
At that time, there was a little bit of hope.
They amputated the leg.
After another hour, my father and grandmother were there. A little while after that they were moving us to a waiting room in the Neuro ICU area. That was where we lived for three days. Most of my family, many friends, and a few stragglers who wandered in and out. We took the place over.
We prayed, with my pastor and his wife and most of my church leadership team, my whole family, in a circle, on our knees. People who don't pray. My grandfather. All of us in that waiting room like a sad bunch of sardines.
The rest is partially a big blur. They were not optimistic, but I believe in prayer, so we prayed, and we hoped. We went in and talked to her and held her hand, as the pressure ravaged her brain, and the drugs ravaged her body. She had 17 blood transfusions.
Then, suddenly, the pressure would start to drop. They would wheel her away and do tests. It looked a tiny bit more hopeful. Whatever you are doing, they said, keep doing it. My friend Amy worked upstairs in Peds. She came down around 2am Friday night and brought my cousin Stephanie and I up to find some scrubs to wear, and walk around a little. She encouraged my family. You gotta have hope.
She should know. Once pried out of a mangled car herself, locked there by a drunken driver. She was her own miracle story.
Saturday was again with the up and down. It doesn't look good...but now it looks better, keep doing what you are doing.
It was agonizing.
Then, we were calm, and things seemed ok for a little while.
Chaplains had been coming to visit with us, no doubt to prepare us for the worst. They were nice though at first.
One of them finally said to my mom, when news was bad, as if they were at a complete loss for understanding; "Why are you surprised? You knew there was no hope." At that moment all of my very good manners went out the window, and every ounce of christian indignation I have ever felt replaced them. I stood up in her face. "Don't you dare speak to my mother again. Of course we have hope. We will continue to have hope." I was not kind. I stalked away.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep.
Saturday night three of the best friends I have ever had, pulled me into a little side part of the waiting room, gave me a shot of Nyquil and laid around me on the floor in the dark, willing me to rest.
I felt strength ooze into me from them, my mighty pillars. Finally, I slept an hour.
Christian and Melanie went home.
At 2am Saturday morning I woke up, and Stephanie came in.
"Its at 90." she said, and the tears fell. Pressure. Pressure in the brain at 90.
I think we knew that was it.
I called Christians house at 2 in the morning, despite the fact that he lived with his parents. I woke them up, but who cares?
We went into her room one by one and talked to her. We prayed. We tried.
I had a breakdown in the hallway, in front of my cousins and my dad and uncle. They had to catch me. That was the only time.
Somehow we made it to 8am. The Nuerosurgeon (who we loved), came in and told us; "She's gone on."
My aunt asked, "What does that mean?" As everyone started to weep.
It would be hours more though, waiting for the organ donor folks and whatnot.
We gathered around her bed and held hands. We sang to her. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
We stayed. Until all the tests were done. We stayed to find out if her organs were viable. We stayed to find out that her heart, a perfect match for an eight year old in Canada, had had too many drugs flow through it to be used. Our hearts broke again.
Some did recieve life from my sister though. Kidney's, at least, gave two people another chance at life. One of them, was a nursing aid, just like my sis.
I kissed her on the forehead and they took her away...but she was already gone.
I had to go with my brother and a friend, to the car. There was a wedding ring on her keychain, and we needed to salvage anything possible from her car while we could. Anything of hers. I cannot even begin to describe it to you, or bring you to imagine my shock. The hood was gone. All of the airbags were a tattered mess. The top of the car was pulled back. The driver's seat wasn't even in the car. We stared at the carseat that had horrified the EMT's who responded to the accident. They were sure a child had been in the car, and frantically searched the side of the road for him.
I went home and sent a quick email, and then I planned a funeral. My mom and I both went to the funeral home, she talked to them. I did everything else. I talked to the news. I talked to the paper. I was the spokesperson for the family.
I did what I had to do, what I was good at doing.
By the time we left the hospital, we had gone through such emotional, physical, and spiritual pain, we were almost dry for a couple of days. A couple days after, my Mom, Tristan, Whitney and I were living at My Aunt Ruths house, and half the rest of the family was visiting. Hysterical laughter came and went. It's the balance to the emotional pendulum...especially in my family.
I had to track down my sisters best friend. Ugh. They hadn't spoken lately. She was living on the other side of the state. I had to call her mom at work, horrible. We had grown up next door to them for years. I had to tell her mom at work, that my sister had just died. Tegan thought I was calling because someone was getting married. I will never forget that phone call till the day it is my turn to go home. Tegan, her voice turning from pleasant surprise to agonizing shock.
The world for me, ceased to turn.
All the things that seem so important normally, fell completely off of my radar. I didn't go to work, I didn't go to school. I sat on my Aunts couch and stared out the big bay window, at that early morning grey before the world wakes. That is what I can picture the most clearly about those days. Sometimes, the smell of their house will still remind me.
I sang at the funeral. Jesus, Be The Centre.
Be my hope, be my trust. Be the fire in my heart, be the wind in these sails, be the reason that I live, Jesus.
What else is there? Nothing right then.
Two months. We were at my aunts. Eventually, of course, I was working. I had to. Still, we stayed. We couldn't bear to leave. I cried out a lot of tears. I hugged my cousins. I carried my nephew around. We sat at the table and brought up every quirk of every family member that had ever come and gone. We rehashed every hilarious childhood memory we could think of.
Eventually, it was time to go home.
Mom, had the hard part of going home to Chelle's room, and Chelle's things. We all had the hard part of just going on.
That's the real test.
Going back to living.
I feel that I recovered as well as one can. I feel like I got through it okay, because of my faith. I felt very close to God in those days. I am still me in so many ways. But then, in other ways...
I am inexplicably changed.
I can't even put my finger on it.
There is just a part of me that will never be the same.
Just when I think everything is normal, I feel it there, that difference in me that will never go away.
I think it is just that she is missing.
Not even the tragedy that took her, just her missing-ness.
We were seventeen months apart and she shared all of my memories, so its like half of my memories are missing.
It's as if the way I see things now is not holistic. It's like I only see part of the picture.
I am less secure about my family. She took care of everyone, and I am not her. I can never be her. There is an adhesive in my family that is gone now. If you knew us, you would understand. She was, as Whitney would say, the peanut butter. None of us is peanut butter. The sandwhich just doesn't stick together the way it used to.
I am still learning to find the good in the bad.
I would never have this relationship with Whitney if we had't suffered this together. She is the best. Still, we both know that we can never be her. We can never hold everyone together the way she did. We can never make mom stop wimpering in her sleep.
It is what it is.
She is gone.
I loved her. She was my biggest fan. She was the best of us. All the good things from all the family genes, compiled into one glowing girl.
I will never be whole again until I see her in heaven.
Fortunately, she has the good side of the story. Where she is, there is no more pain or suffering, and for that, I am truly glad.
If you are looking for something light to read, trust me, this is not going to be it.**
Thursday, February 1st, 2001...
I didn't feel like going to school. I got up and got dressed anyway. I really couldn't afford to miss anymore classes, and I still had nearly two full months left in the quarter. So, I went about the usual morning routine, got in my car, and started driving the 30 minutes to my community college.
A funny thing happened when I was nearly there. All of a sudden, I decided to go to my mom's house. I really wasn't feeling very well anyway, and I decided I just wanted to go there. I love my family, and the oldest of my two younger sisters and I were very close, but I usually am not someone who hides at mom's. I definitely don't have the sweet, warm kind of relationship with my mom that Lara David has with hers.
So I randomly drove to mom's.
My sister, who worked nights at a nursing home, was just getting ready to go to sleep for awhile. She was fixing a bottle for Tristan, her then 18 month old son. It was probably around 10 in the morning when I got there, as I didn't have my early class that morning and had left later than usual. My sister had, for some reason, pulled a mattress out onto the living room floor to sleep. I laid down and curled up with her and the baby. I gave them hugs and kisses and I love yous. We took a lovely nap together for an hour and a half or so, and then I left because I had to go to work.
I had no idea that nothing would ever be the same after that.
Thursday night I went to a Bible study. It was a habit for them to pray for whoever wanted prayer, before we went home. As the group was praying for someone I suddenly choked up. I caught myself on the edge of a sob that came from nowhere. A little girl voice had risen up inside of me, and I felt like saying; "I want my mommy." I had this nearly uncontrollable urge to go to my mom's house, which was nearby, but I new that I would stay too long, and I really needed to get home and go to bed, I had early classes in the morning that I definitely could not miss. Anyway, it was 9pm and my sister had already left for work across town.
I called my mom. She was light hearted, all was well.
I went home to bed.
Friday, February 2nd, 2001.
I got up early and drove to school for a 7:30 class. I sat on the far right side of the room, in the very front row. At around 8am a faculty member came into our classroom and I asked for me by name. I was not alarmed. She asked to talk to me, and told me to bring my stuff. It seemed odd, but I thought for some reason it might have something to do with my financial aid. Once we were out of the classroom she told me that my mom was on the phone.
I was annoyed.
It didn't initially occur to me that something might be wrong.
I wondered what she might be calling about, and verbally reprimanded her in my head.
Just as I got to the door of the office where the phone was waiting, it began to dawn on me that this wasn't quite right.
I came in and a woman handed me the phone.
"Hello?"
I wasn't annoyed anymore, just curious.
My Mother was very calm on the other line.
"Amanda?... There's been an accident"
"Who?" I asked. But I think I already knew.
"Chelle." And that is when I heard the wavering in her voice, and that is when I was afraid. My mom is like granite, an immovable force.
"is she okay?"
A sniff and a pause then..
"it doesn't look good. You need to come to the hospital."
I told her okay mom, I will be right there, but before I could go she caught me. "Amanda? Do I need to send your brother to get you? Are you ok to drive? I can't handle two accidents today."
I told her I was fine to drive, and I was.
I was very, very, eerily calm.
Everything was very clear.
I hung up the phone, thanked the woman who's desk it belonged to, and walked out of the room without looking back. I walked toward the parking lot, but stopped at the last building on campus, the one with all the business classes. I went inside the main doors to the phone, and called Janet Kruckenberg, a dear friend, and the secretary at my church. I told her that my sister had been in an accident, it didn't look good, please call the prayer chain, and I had to go now. It was all very calm. I hung up, went to my car, and drove to the hospital. I still felt super clear, but shaky underneath.
On the cd player in my car, Steven Curtis Chapman sang; "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope, cuz we know our goodbye is not the end." When the song ended he sang; "Be still and know that He is God."
At the hospital I didn't know where to go. I wandered in the emergency room doors, but didn't see anyone I knew. When I asked about my sister they had to look for her name, and as someone started to direct me down the hallway, my mom appeared and I followed her to an emergency waiting room on the first floor. My Aunt Ruth was there. Her oldest daughter Stephanie was there, Whitney was there.
I asked Mom who knows.
Her family, and Dad.
"Someone needs to call Uncle Bob."
"Okay, give me the phone numbers."
As my family sat, not really holding back tears, informing me the little they knew, that my sisters Ford Escort had collided with a snow plow, I dialed numbers.
I called everyone.
It was a bad accident and we didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I didn't want anyone to see it on the news. I wouldn't want to.
I called my dad's side of the family. I called the friends we grew up with. I called all of my sisters friends I had numbers for. I called all the family friends I could think of, and then I called my people. Some already knew by now.
Benita, whom I lovingly refer to as "rent-a-mom" (because I lived with her family at the time) worked at the same place as my sister. She got the call through the church prayer chain.
After an hour or so the Doctor came in to ask us permission to amputate my sisters left leg above the knee. My mom started weeping. The leg was pretty much destroyed and they really needed her body to focus on stopping the pressure in her brain if she was going to live. Too much blood was being diverted to the lower extremities. We said a resounding "take the leg." We would rather have her missing a piece than not have her at all. Prosthetics are amazing these days.
At that time, there was a little bit of hope.
They amputated the leg.
After another hour, my father and grandmother were there. A little while after that they were moving us to a waiting room in the Neuro ICU area. That was where we lived for three days. Most of my family, many friends, and a few stragglers who wandered in and out. We took the place over.
We prayed, with my pastor and his wife and most of my church leadership team, my whole family, in a circle, on our knees. People who don't pray. My grandfather. All of us in that waiting room like a sad bunch of sardines.
The rest is partially a big blur. They were not optimistic, but I believe in prayer, so we prayed, and we hoped. We went in and talked to her and held her hand, as the pressure ravaged her brain, and the drugs ravaged her body. She had 17 blood transfusions.
Then, suddenly, the pressure would start to drop. They would wheel her away and do tests. It looked a tiny bit more hopeful. Whatever you are doing, they said, keep doing it. My friend Amy worked upstairs in Peds. She came down around 2am Friday night and brought my cousin Stephanie and I up to find some scrubs to wear, and walk around a little. She encouraged my family. You gotta have hope.
She should know. Once pried out of a mangled car herself, locked there by a drunken driver. She was her own miracle story.
Saturday was again with the up and down. It doesn't look good...but now it looks better, keep doing what you are doing.
It was agonizing.
Then, we were calm, and things seemed ok for a little while.
Chaplains had been coming to visit with us, no doubt to prepare us for the worst. They were nice though at first.
One of them finally said to my mom, when news was bad, as if they were at a complete loss for understanding; "Why are you surprised? You knew there was no hope." At that moment all of my very good manners went out the window, and every ounce of christian indignation I have ever felt replaced them. I stood up in her face. "Don't you dare speak to my mother again. Of course we have hope. We will continue to have hope." I was not kind. I stalked away.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep.
Saturday night three of the best friends I have ever had, pulled me into a little side part of the waiting room, gave me a shot of Nyquil and laid around me on the floor in the dark, willing me to rest.
I felt strength ooze into me from them, my mighty pillars. Finally, I slept an hour.
Christian and Melanie went home.
At 2am Saturday morning I woke up, and Stephanie came in.
"Its at 90." she said, and the tears fell. Pressure. Pressure in the brain at 90.
I think we knew that was it.
I called Christians house at 2 in the morning, despite the fact that he lived with his parents. I woke them up, but who cares?
We went into her room one by one and talked to her. We prayed. We tried.
I had a breakdown in the hallway, in front of my cousins and my dad and uncle. They had to catch me. That was the only time.
Somehow we made it to 8am. The Nuerosurgeon (who we loved), came in and told us; "She's gone on."
My aunt asked, "What does that mean?" As everyone started to weep.
It would be hours more though, waiting for the organ donor folks and whatnot.
We gathered around her bed and held hands. We sang to her. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
We stayed. Until all the tests were done. We stayed to find out if her organs were viable. We stayed to find out that her heart, a perfect match for an eight year old in Canada, had had too many drugs flow through it to be used. Our hearts broke again.
Some did recieve life from my sister though. Kidney's, at least, gave two people another chance at life. One of them, was a nursing aid, just like my sis.
I kissed her on the forehead and they took her away...but she was already gone.
I had to go with my brother and a friend, to the car. There was a wedding ring on her keychain, and we needed to salvage anything possible from her car while we could. Anything of hers. I cannot even begin to describe it to you, or bring you to imagine my shock. The hood was gone. All of the airbags were a tattered mess. The top of the car was pulled back. The driver's seat wasn't even in the car. We stared at the carseat that had horrified the EMT's who responded to the accident. They were sure a child had been in the car, and frantically searched the side of the road for him.
I went home and sent a quick email, and then I planned a funeral. My mom and I both went to the funeral home, she talked to them. I did everything else. I talked to the news. I talked to the paper. I was the spokesperson for the family.
I did what I had to do, what I was good at doing.
By the time we left the hospital, we had gone through such emotional, physical, and spiritual pain, we were almost dry for a couple of days. A couple days after, my Mom, Tristan, Whitney and I were living at My Aunt Ruths house, and half the rest of the family was visiting. Hysterical laughter came and went. It's the balance to the emotional pendulum...especially in my family.
I had to track down my sisters best friend. Ugh. They hadn't spoken lately. She was living on the other side of the state. I had to call her mom at work, horrible. We had grown up next door to them for years. I had to tell her mom at work, that my sister had just died. Tegan thought I was calling because someone was getting married. I will never forget that phone call till the day it is my turn to go home. Tegan, her voice turning from pleasant surprise to agonizing shock.
The world for me, ceased to turn.
All the things that seem so important normally, fell completely off of my radar. I didn't go to work, I didn't go to school. I sat on my Aunts couch and stared out the big bay window, at that early morning grey before the world wakes. That is what I can picture the most clearly about those days. Sometimes, the smell of their house will still remind me.
I sang at the funeral. Jesus, Be The Centre.
Be my hope, be my trust. Be the fire in my heart, be the wind in these sails, be the reason that I live, Jesus.
What else is there? Nothing right then.
Two months. We were at my aunts. Eventually, of course, I was working. I had to. Still, we stayed. We couldn't bear to leave. I cried out a lot of tears. I hugged my cousins. I carried my nephew around. We sat at the table and brought up every quirk of every family member that had ever come and gone. We rehashed every hilarious childhood memory we could think of.
Eventually, it was time to go home.
Mom, had the hard part of going home to Chelle's room, and Chelle's things. We all had the hard part of just going on.
That's the real test.
Going back to living.
I feel that I recovered as well as one can. I feel like I got through it okay, because of my faith. I felt very close to God in those days. I am still me in so many ways. But then, in other ways...
I am inexplicably changed.
I can't even put my finger on it.
There is just a part of me that will never be the same.
Just when I think everything is normal, I feel it there, that difference in me that will never go away.
I think it is just that she is missing.
Not even the tragedy that took her, just her missing-ness.
We were seventeen months apart and she shared all of my memories, so its like half of my memories are missing.
It's as if the way I see things now is not holistic. It's like I only see part of the picture.
I am less secure about my family. She took care of everyone, and I am not her. I can never be her. There is an adhesive in my family that is gone now. If you knew us, you would understand. She was, as Whitney would say, the peanut butter. None of us is peanut butter. The sandwhich just doesn't stick together the way it used to.
I am still learning to find the good in the bad.
I would never have this relationship with Whitney if we had't suffered this together. She is the best. Still, we both know that we can never be her. We can never hold everyone together the way she did. We can never make mom stop wimpering in her sleep.
It is what it is.
She is gone.
I loved her. She was my biggest fan. She was the best of us. All the good things from all the family genes, compiled into one glowing girl.
I will never be whole again until I see her in heaven.
Fortunately, she has the good side of the story. Where she is, there is no more pain or suffering, and for that, I am truly glad.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Uh Oh Spaghettio
So tonight I decided to make pasta. Last time I was at the store I bought this new kind of pasta sauce that I haven't had before. I love pasta sauce from scratch, but to be honest, I usually just want something quicker and easier. If you come over for dinner maybe I will be fancy, but not tonight for my dinner for one.
Anyway. My pasta now tastes like Spaghettio's. It's an italian sausage kind of sauce too, which makes this particularly odd.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Spaghettio's ( however horrible for you they might be) but when I want Spaghettio's, I want Spaghettio's, and when I want real pasta, I want real pasta.
I don't want real pasta that tastes like Spaghettios!
*grumble*
:p
In other, and even less exciting news...
It is so nice to feel healthy and infection free. I haven't felt this lovely in quite a long time it seems. So, now the sad truth. Since I am feeling much better, I now have to come to terms with a fact I have been denying and/or ignoring for the past two weeks in my misery: One of my wisdom teeth is coming in.
I thought those little buggers would hold off awhile longer! Grr!
It's not actually painful at this point, but I can feel the pressure of it just below the gum. I thought I felt it a week or so ago, but I wrote it off because I was distracted by actual pain. I knew that the time was coming for me to have to get them all removed, but I guess I was hoping that maybe I would be a bit more on top of my financial game by then. heh.
Rawr.
Do you ever just think to yourself, "Good Lord! It's one thing after another!!"
That is exactly what I am thinking to myself right now. :p
Today we had a customer come in who works for Boeing. He was talking about how he has to go to Sweden for a month for work. I was asking him where else he had traveled for work, and we got to talking about Amsterdam. Man. My heart just started to burn. I wanted to weep! It's madness I tell you. I can never get over it. Crazy, crazy madness.
Well, that is all the lame Amandaness I have to mention tonight. Try to hold back your unwavering enthusiasm. :p
Anyway. My pasta now tastes like Spaghettio's. It's an italian sausage kind of sauce too, which makes this particularly odd.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Spaghettio's ( however horrible for you they might be) but when I want Spaghettio's, I want Spaghettio's, and when I want real pasta, I want real pasta.
I don't want real pasta that tastes like Spaghettios!
*grumble*
:p
In other, and even less exciting news...
It is so nice to feel healthy and infection free. I haven't felt this lovely in quite a long time it seems. So, now the sad truth. Since I am feeling much better, I now have to come to terms with a fact I have been denying and/or ignoring for the past two weeks in my misery: One of my wisdom teeth is coming in.
I thought those little buggers would hold off awhile longer! Grr!
It's not actually painful at this point, but I can feel the pressure of it just below the gum. I thought I felt it a week or so ago, but I wrote it off because I was distracted by actual pain. I knew that the time was coming for me to have to get them all removed, but I guess I was hoping that maybe I would be a bit more on top of my financial game by then. heh.
Rawr.
Do you ever just think to yourself, "Good Lord! It's one thing after another!!"
That is exactly what I am thinking to myself right now. :p
Today we had a customer come in who works for Boeing. He was talking about how he has to go to Sweden for a month for work. I was asking him where else he had traveled for work, and we got to talking about Amsterdam. Man. My heart just started to burn. I wanted to weep! It's madness I tell you. I can never get over it. Crazy, crazy madness.
Well, that is all the lame Amandaness I have to mention tonight. Try to hold back your unwavering enthusiasm. :p
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Oh Seattle, How Do I Love Thee?
Let me count the ways.
=)
Driving into the city is sometimes such a pain, but I always forget how much I enjoy it. Plus, you really can't beat fantastic company.
Shawn and Steve are staying near the city tonight. They are going on an Alaskan cruise in a couple of days, so tomorrow they are going to take the train up to Vancouver. Today was a blast. We just wandered around so they could see the market and some other things. We went to a fabulous pub in Pioneer Square, and I had a pint of cider....which, in case you didn't know, is pretty much my "happy place." =) We had some fabulous seafood and salad for lunch, some fabulous mediterranean food for dinner, and Shawn and Steve got to take a touristy trip up the Space Needle.
The weather was divine. Not hot, not cold, just sunny and wonderful. I felt like I had been locked away in a dark attic for years. Playing outside just made me so incredible happy. I have also been so sick recently, and feeling discouraged because of that, that it was nice to feel good for a change. The antibiotics I am on now are FANTASTIC! I have slept in a wonderful coma-like state the past two nights, and felt better in the morning than it seems I have felt in forever. So, I actually had energy to walk around downtown today.
Aside from all that, I just feel more like an actual person than I have felt in awhile. Sometimes I feel like I am a slave to my weekend job, and there is no way to ever have any freedom from it, which makes working there harder than it was before. Getting an actual day off was a serious gift from God. It was full, but not too full, and I am so pleasantly tired right now.
On the down side, if there can even be said to be a down side, we talked a lot about Amsterdam. Shawn and Steve had never been to Seattle, and they loved it. It reminded them of Amsterdam in some ways. All the flowers at the market place....Amsterdam has flower vendors on every corner. The little shops and cafes and restuarants of various shapes and sizes, stuff like that.
Ah, Amsterdam. How you taunt me.
Now it is there again, gnawing a hole in my heart. I don't doubt that I will dream I am there, or at least go to bed filled with this ache I cannot explain. It is a part of me that sometimes hides its face, but never goes away. There are days where I feel like I just don't know how I can go on without having made it back there...without dropping everything and just going. It's weird. After a day or two, or maybe three or four, it will subside again and leave me in peace for a little while.
Anyway, despite the strange yearning to be in a faraway city, I still feel great, and again, pleasantly tired. I think I will take my pleasantly tired self to bed a little bit early in fact.
So long for now.
=)
Driving into the city is sometimes such a pain, but I always forget how much I enjoy it. Plus, you really can't beat fantastic company.
Shawn and Steve are staying near the city tonight. They are going on an Alaskan cruise in a couple of days, so tomorrow they are going to take the train up to Vancouver. Today was a blast. We just wandered around so they could see the market and some other things. We went to a fabulous pub in Pioneer Square, and I had a pint of cider....which, in case you didn't know, is pretty much my "happy place." =) We had some fabulous seafood and salad for lunch, some fabulous mediterranean food for dinner, and Shawn and Steve got to take a touristy trip up the Space Needle.
The weather was divine. Not hot, not cold, just sunny and wonderful. I felt like I had been locked away in a dark attic for years. Playing outside just made me so incredible happy. I have also been so sick recently, and feeling discouraged because of that, that it was nice to feel good for a change. The antibiotics I am on now are FANTASTIC! I have slept in a wonderful coma-like state the past two nights, and felt better in the morning than it seems I have felt in forever. So, I actually had energy to walk around downtown today.
Aside from all that, I just feel more like an actual person than I have felt in awhile. Sometimes I feel like I am a slave to my weekend job, and there is no way to ever have any freedom from it, which makes working there harder than it was before. Getting an actual day off was a serious gift from God. It was full, but not too full, and I am so pleasantly tired right now.
On the down side, if there can even be said to be a down side, we talked a lot about Amsterdam. Shawn and Steve had never been to Seattle, and they loved it. It reminded them of Amsterdam in some ways. All the flowers at the market place....Amsterdam has flower vendors on every corner. The little shops and cafes and restuarants of various shapes and sizes, stuff like that.
Ah, Amsterdam. How you taunt me.
Now it is there again, gnawing a hole in my heart. I don't doubt that I will dream I am there, or at least go to bed filled with this ache I cannot explain. It is a part of me that sometimes hides its face, but never goes away. There are days where I feel like I just don't know how I can go on without having made it back there...without dropping everything and just going. It's weird. After a day or two, or maybe three or four, it will subside again and leave me in peace for a little while.
Anyway, despite the strange yearning to be in a faraway city, I still feel great, and again, pleasantly tired. I think I will take my pleasantly tired self to bed a little bit early in fact.
So long for now.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I Wish I Wasn't Bitter
The past couple of days I have been thinking; How long can my life go on like this?
Maybe because I was sick, and I haven't really accomplished anything in a week. Maybe because I work seven days a week, and only have Friday off to visit with Shawn and Steve, by some miracle of God.
Who knows. Maybe I am just feeling worn out and disgruntled. I don't feel particularly sad, which is great on the one hand, and then scary on the other...maybe I am getting a little too apathetic? Like, I have just kind of given up?
Tonight was lovely. After work I had to stop by Starbucks and I ran into someone I knew there, and chatted awhile. Then I went to the grocery store, and as I was walking out, it was starting to get a little bit dark, and it smelled soooo good outside. Like...early summer evenings. For a moment I thought about my mom's backyard, and how she is addicted to barbecue. I looked out over the vast expanse of lawn, to the massive garden in back where she spends so many hours. I smelled fresh cut grass. I imagined walking down the street at dusk, with all the pleasant smells of summer mingling in the air. For a moment.
Then the moment was over.
It was still lovely.
It still smelled good.
I wondered though, if I would ever enjoy a calm summer evening like that again, with people that I love.
It's nice here. Mild. Green. Lovely. I live and work in the same town, so I don't have to fight too much traffic usually. It's the Northwest. There are a thousand places to go off the beaten path. Certainly there are some lovely little hide-aways to take your friends to. There are hundreds of breathtaking locations.
How could I complain?
Even so, it's not so much fun all by yourself.
I am certainly capable of making friends. I have done it over and over and over for the past 31 years! Definitely not an area I have seriously lacked in. Still.....
There are acquaintance friends, and then there are real friends. Ya know? The former are the people I know from work. They are very nice. I enjoy them. Occassionally we go out to lunch or sit in the big cushy chairs and chat after work. They are ok, but it's not the same.
Real friends take time to grow.
When you are older, and you have been through a lot of life, and everything isn't so cut and dried as it once was, making those kinds of friends seems harder.
At least, it does for me.
I used to just bulldoze my way into peoples lives, and they would end up being my friend whether they wanted to or not. These days, I am feeling a little tired. I don't feel like bulldozing. I would rather that people just sort of like me. lol!
I've been wondering if I am just not as interesting as I used to be? But then, I tell myself, I am the same in lots of ways. The same girl. Then I wonder if it is my bitterness.
I used to be all full of grand ideas and grand hope, and even if you thought I was crazy it was hard not to at least be amused. :0)
Then the bitterness creeped in.
It has been wheedling it's way in for a long time. Anyone who has known me for a long time can probably testify to this.
I was very resilient at first, working hard at not letting it become a part of me.
Eventually I just let my defenses down a little too low. One too many disappointments, and I lost a little of my buffer.
Grrrr! But I don't want to be a pity party!!! I hate that!!!
So lately I have been telling myself that noone wants to hang around with a person like that, and I need to snap out of it!!!! ...I am just not quite sure how.
I have lost the way. Well, maybe that is assuming I ever knew what it was to begin with!! All I know is, things have definitely not worked out in ANY of the ways I planned. :p I am at a complete loss what to do now. I really have no options, so I am just going to sit here, doing what I am doing, and wondering how long I can just get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, and do that all over again, seven days a week, with no life. I wonder.
And don't one single one of you tell me that is the best place I can be!! Sitting!! I will glare at you and make angry faces. Take that!
I am sorting out this whole being a grown up thing, living in a different city than most of my friends and family. It is taking a bit more time than I thought. It's ok though. I chose to move here, and I don't hate it, I just miss a few things I could not bring with me. I'll figure it out and snap out of the slump sometime soon. Any day now.
That's my rant for tonight. Now time for medicine and sleeping.
Maybe because I was sick, and I haven't really accomplished anything in a week. Maybe because I work seven days a week, and only have Friday off to visit with Shawn and Steve, by some miracle of God.
Who knows. Maybe I am just feeling worn out and disgruntled. I don't feel particularly sad, which is great on the one hand, and then scary on the other...maybe I am getting a little too apathetic? Like, I have just kind of given up?
Tonight was lovely. After work I had to stop by Starbucks and I ran into someone I knew there, and chatted awhile. Then I went to the grocery store, and as I was walking out, it was starting to get a little bit dark, and it smelled soooo good outside. Like...early summer evenings. For a moment I thought about my mom's backyard, and how she is addicted to barbecue. I looked out over the vast expanse of lawn, to the massive garden in back where she spends so many hours. I smelled fresh cut grass. I imagined walking down the street at dusk, with all the pleasant smells of summer mingling in the air. For a moment.
Then the moment was over.
It was still lovely.
It still smelled good.
I wondered though, if I would ever enjoy a calm summer evening like that again, with people that I love.
It's nice here. Mild. Green. Lovely. I live and work in the same town, so I don't have to fight too much traffic usually. It's the Northwest. There are a thousand places to go off the beaten path. Certainly there are some lovely little hide-aways to take your friends to. There are hundreds of breathtaking locations.
How could I complain?
Even so, it's not so much fun all by yourself.
I am certainly capable of making friends. I have done it over and over and over for the past 31 years! Definitely not an area I have seriously lacked in. Still.....
There are acquaintance friends, and then there are real friends. Ya know? The former are the people I know from work. They are very nice. I enjoy them. Occassionally we go out to lunch or sit in the big cushy chairs and chat after work. They are ok, but it's not the same.
Real friends take time to grow.
When you are older, and you have been through a lot of life, and everything isn't so cut and dried as it once was, making those kinds of friends seems harder.
At least, it does for me.
I used to just bulldoze my way into peoples lives, and they would end up being my friend whether they wanted to or not. These days, I am feeling a little tired. I don't feel like bulldozing. I would rather that people just sort of like me. lol!
I've been wondering if I am just not as interesting as I used to be? But then, I tell myself, I am the same in lots of ways. The same girl. Then I wonder if it is my bitterness.
I used to be all full of grand ideas and grand hope, and even if you thought I was crazy it was hard not to at least be amused. :0)
Then the bitterness creeped in.
It has been wheedling it's way in for a long time. Anyone who has known me for a long time can probably testify to this.
I was very resilient at first, working hard at not letting it become a part of me.
Eventually I just let my defenses down a little too low. One too many disappointments, and I lost a little of my buffer.
Grrrr! But I don't want to be a pity party!!! I hate that!!!
So lately I have been telling myself that noone wants to hang around with a person like that, and I need to snap out of it!!!! ...I am just not quite sure how.
I have lost the way. Well, maybe that is assuming I ever knew what it was to begin with!! All I know is, things have definitely not worked out in ANY of the ways I planned. :p I am at a complete loss what to do now. I really have no options, so I am just going to sit here, doing what I am doing, and wondering how long I can just get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, and do that all over again, seven days a week, with no life. I wonder.
And don't one single one of you tell me that is the best place I can be!! Sitting!! I will glare at you and make angry faces. Take that!
I am sorting out this whole being a grown up thing, living in a different city than most of my friends and family. It is taking a bit more time than I thought. It's ok though. I chose to move here, and I don't hate it, I just miss a few things I could not bring with me. I'll figure it out and snap out of the slump sometime soon. Any day now.
That's my rant for tonight. Now time for medicine and sleeping.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
No to the Yuck
Here I am again, with another week gone by without posting. I have a much better reason this time though, I swear.
I have an infection in my kidneys. It is really no fun.
I finally went to the Doctor and they put me on some antibiotics, but it still hurts, a lot.
Last night I started to get a sore throat, and today my sinuses are feeling itchy and not well. That would be the head cold thingy that I inherited from my Starbucks coworkers. Joy. Sooo needed that.
I stayed home today. It was definitely neccesary.
Hopefully tomorrow will be significantly better.
That's all the energy I have for sitting here at the computer this evening.
Hope everyone else is well!
I have an infection in my kidneys. It is really no fun.
I finally went to the Doctor and they put me on some antibiotics, but it still hurts, a lot.
Last night I started to get a sore throat, and today my sinuses are feeling itchy and not well. That would be the head cold thingy that I inherited from my Starbucks coworkers. Joy. Sooo needed that.
I stayed home today. It was definitely neccesary.
Hopefully tomorrow will be significantly better.
That's all the energy I have for sitting here at the computer this evening.
Hope everyone else is well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
