This post isn't about whatever Nickie and I have talked about lately, it's more about my relationship with God, but I thought she'd like to hear, so this post is for her.
I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.
Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"
I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)
Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.
Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Federal Way
Well, at last, here I am.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Your Grace Still Amazes Me
(The title is in reference to a Phillips, Craig & Dean song)
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Ahhhh Family.
You just gotta love 'em. Yep. I'm sticking with that.
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
God's Promise for Seattle?
Posted by Picasa
I found this picture and I really love it. It reminded me of God's promise after the flood.
It makes me think of Mars Hill and their love for the city...their desire to grow and bring more people to know the love of God. It's like Jesus is just reaching down and touching the city of Seattle with his holy finger. Beautiful.
Indescribable!!
"Indescribable
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Reality of Moving
The title probably implies that this entry is about packing, and stress, and all the stuff that goes along with moving, but it's actually not. It's more about the fact that reality hit me today that I am moving...in like five days. I work on Saturday, but the next three days are full of dental appointments, sorting, packing, and seeing everyone I can cram in. Today I worked with several people for the last time, my usual weekday morning crew.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hallelujah
"she sings hallelujah, when all has become nothing
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
September 11th
I told Joe that I was going to post something uplifting after the last entry, but.....Oh well. hehe. :p
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Cold Hard Truth (About me that is)
Ryan and I were having this thought provoking conversation today, and it giving me fuel for blogging. Thus, the following was inspired...(its a long one)
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
Yay for Accomplishment!
I've done it! I have actually packed things!!
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Frustration
I told myself not to blog right now, but here I am anyway. I am not at my most UNemotional right now. Not that I am crazy bouncing off the walls or anything either, but I do have a lot going on. It is possible that I am not then, being my most rational self, but I decided that I really don't care.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I am the blogging Queen
Okay, not reeeaallly. I mean, some people do blog more than me. Joe, for example, always diligently blogging his book reviews, definitely outdoes me. Still, I *do* blog more than my other friends (put together actually) and I cannot let them attempt to outdo me. So take that! Not that I really take this threat seriously (because I don't), but I am blogging anyway just because I can. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Monday, August 14, 2006
Seattle (and Flea!)
I just got home from Seattle a little over an hour ago, and I am pretty darn tired. I did a decent amount of driving today.
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
WWII Memorial
For Ryan's benefit at least, here are a couple pictures of the WWII Memorial. I have some more, but my posting frenzy is over for the night. There are some other pictures below as well.
WWII Memorial...or at least one side of it. Impossible to get the whole thing. One side says Atlantic, and the other Pacific.
Posted by Picasa
Hopefully this one won't post twice...its the three of us hanging out in Central Park.
Posted by Picasa
Starry Starry Night
Since I have never bothered to attempt posting pictures, now seemed like as good a time as any. These are just a few that were taken on my New York/DC trip last spring.
(Lookit Joe! Pictures!)
(Lookit Joe! Pictures!)
Mike took this picture of Maribeth and I looking intently at Van Gogh's "Starry Night." (Museum of Modern Art)
Posted by Picasa
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
One Body, Many Parts
I feel like such a crazed person lately. It's been a very strange couple of weeks. The heat didn't really help either. Sometimes I just feel....fuzzy. Like, everything is not as clear as I wish it was. I have so much to do with moving and finding a new job, and I have been working on that, but I just have this weird feeling at times, like everything is stacked against me leaving here. The black pit trying to pull me back in.
There is a small temptation to leave Spokane even before I said I would. Mostly because I am starting to go a little insane. I wish I could say that I was always calm and collected, and that I would act out my plans precisely when I said I would, but honestly, that usually doesn't happen.
Currently I am trying to distract myself from feeling the way I feel. Yesterday I spent a bunch of time with my friend Jan. We went out to lunch, and then we went out to the Elk and drank hard cider on tap in the evening. Yuuuum! I didn't even know you could get the stuff around here, that was the first I had had since Amsterdam. I've also probably been harassing Ryan at work even more than usual.
I'm feeling a little unlike myself this week. I want to just be super motivated and on top of things, and get it all together.
The closer it gets to September, the more I know I need to get out of here. I'm still a little apprehensive about the move, but not because I feel in any way like it's the wrong decision. I'm just not as good at taking care of myself as I wish I was, and as I want everyone to think I am. hehe. There is always that slight possibility I will suck at everything and end up sleeping in my car. =P haha!
Actually, I doubt my friends would let that happen, but you know what I am saying.
So, blog title, reference to this past Sunday's sermon from Mars Hill. It was great. I am actually, surprisingly, really looking forward to getting involved with church again. It's been a good year without, but I am just not as good of a person on my own. Sad, but true. Tonight when I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk I was thinking how nice it was just sitting in church the week before. Oh, and how comforting it is to belong to a group of believers, and not to have to work so hard to spend time with some of them.
I am determined to do some packing tonight...
I have to figure out what is staying here for sure, and what is going to Federal Way since I am not moving everything yet. So...off I go to become caffeinated and get to work.
There is a small temptation to leave Spokane even before I said I would. Mostly because I am starting to go a little insane. I wish I could say that I was always calm and collected, and that I would act out my plans precisely when I said I would, but honestly, that usually doesn't happen.
Currently I am trying to distract myself from feeling the way I feel. Yesterday I spent a bunch of time with my friend Jan. We went out to lunch, and then we went out to the Elk and drank hard cider on tap in the evening. Yuuuum! I didn't even know you could get the stuff around here, that was the first I had had since Amsterdam. I've also probably been harassing Ryan at work even more than usual.
I'm feeling a little unlike myself this week. I want to just be super motivated and on top of things, and get it all together.
The closer it gets to September, the more I know I need to get out of here. I'm still a little apprehensive about the move, but not because I feel in any way like it's the wrong decision. I'm just not as good at taking care of myself as I wish I was, and as I want everyone to think I am. hehe. There is always that slight possibility I will suck at everything and end up sleeping in my car. =P haha!
Actually, I doubt my friends would let that happen, but you know what I am saying.
So, blog title, reference to this past Sunday's sermon from Mars Hill. It was great. I am actually, surprisingly, really looking forward to getting involved with church again. It's been a good year without, but I am just not as good of a person on my own. Sad, but true. Tonight when I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk I was thinking how nice it was just sitting in church the week before. Oh, and how comforting it is to belong to a group of believers, and not to have to work so hard to spend time with some of them.
I am determined to do some packing tonight...
I have to figure out what is staying here for sure, and what is going to Federal Way since I am not moving everything yet. So...off I go to become caffeinated and get to work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
