Okay, if Ryan can do this so can I.....Talk about old loves that is.
What a freaking weird year. I seem to be tracking down a very random variety of people, but I can't help myself! It's like I am soup, and God is stirring the pot that is me, and all of the stuff that was on the bottom is now on the top...or something like that. So, all these old things that I haven't thought about in awhile, that were part of an old life I had, all of these things are starting to resurface, and I am faced with the fact that there are things in there I have never truly let go of.
At least, from the present state of my heart that must be the case.
I am somewhat afraid to post this, but such is life. I am going to do it anyway.
Once there was a guy named Jason, and he was my friend. This was a very long time ago. Jason was the last boy I kissed...a million years ago. I just don't go around kissing people you know, and I really haven't had a "boyfriend" since Jason. Although, technically, Jason was not my boyfriend either, but....let's just call it close enough.
We were really good friends, and I loved him. As much, or maybe more, than I have ever loved anyone. Because, well, I was comfortable with him...completely, and I felt safe with him, and he looked out for me, and because more than anything, we were fun together. There was a lof of joking, and laughing, and joy. Of course, regardless of those things, sometimes you just love somebody and there is no ryhme or reason at all.
Jason had his issues. He did things I did not approve of, and some of those things put his life in danger. I cried a lot of tears over Jason. At this time in my life I was really starting to have a deep relationship with God, and we had more than a few conversations about my friend.
There used to be four of us, that did everything together. We worked together, we went to concerts together, we drove around all night together, just because that is what we did. We went to Daniels and played Mortal Kombat at 4 in the morning...which, let me tell you, is the *only* video game in the world I have ever kicked a guy's ass at. I was always that girl who could grab you with her hair and slam you down on the floor!!! Remember that?? Totally old school! Jason and Daniel could never get out of it. I would just keep slamming their guy down on the ground over and over!!!! lol!!! I could never win as anyone else though, only her. I am not so good with the vids usually.
One time Daniel said that Jason and I were soul mates, and that whatever happened, in the end, we would find each other wherever we were. Obviously that isn't true, but it sounded nice at the time.
I would have married Jason. Truly. If he would have said the word. I would have done a lot of things that he actually kept me from doing. Whatever he was with anyone else, he always had integrity with me.
Sooo...yeah. I think about him off and on, but not with any great regret or anything. That all happened a long time ago.
They all moved to Texas and I stayed behind. I was getting really involved with the church at the time and I felt like God said.."No, I have something better for you."
So right before Christmas I had a dream about Jason and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. I think this is just one of those things that was buried in the closet of my heart.
I never really greived the loss of my friends. I was too busy. There was too much going on, for too long. One day I just realized that time had marched on without them, and that was ok.
Apparently my heart feels differently.
I think Jason is married and lives in Florida. When I heard he was engaged I wanted very badly to send them a gift, but had no contact information. So I called his dad a few days ago. Hopefully I can still send them a little something. We were friends, after all, more than anything, and it just seems like the thing to do. I am glad if he is well.
It's just taking me some time to sort through the heart wrenching memories. I have grown a little tired of heart wrenching, but what can you do? So I am trying to go with this house cleaning thing, or whatever God is doing, and look my past square in the face so that I can move on from it.
And there you have it. Why I am soup. =)
Friday, December 29, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
One For the Road
It seems like a zillion years since I updated, even though in truth it has probably only been a week and a half.
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.
Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!
I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.
Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!
I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Christmas, and its varying emotions
At work we have the Charlie Brown Christmas album, and every time I see it, one of those songs gets stuck in my head. I always remember that my pastor from back home loves that show, and I keep meaning to pick it up.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.
I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.
Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.
I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.
So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.
So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.
I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.
Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.
I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.
So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.
So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Connector, that is me.
Apparently I do have a mission in this life. Apparently my gift, forever, will be to connect other people. For my old school college age friends, I am the go to person if you are in need of a phone number.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?
I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.
Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.
Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?
I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.
Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.
Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.
Not such good days
This is definitely one of those days that I should not be allowed near the blogger dashboard. It's been a long week, and I am feeling fairly discouraged, and I wish it were Christmas and I was at home with Becky and Rosie drinking a nice hot cocoa. =)
As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!
Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.
I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.
Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!
As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!
Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.
I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.
Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Stir Crazy
I do love the snow, and I am glad that I get to go into work an hour late tomorrow...yay! However, I am a little bored. I am all motivated for job hunting and whatnot, but everyone has closed up shop. I need to find something active to do in the meantime, while it is still snowy and icy and yicky outside. *sigh* *twiddle*
I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!
I have so much on my mind, but I am just too antsy to sit here and process it all. In fact, if it weren't so darn cold I might just go run around the house for something to do besides sit on my butt. haha!!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Oh! The Weather Outside is Frightful!!!!
SNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.
Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)
So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.
I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!
I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe that Brett Favre is in Seattle, and here I sit at home, instead of at the game. Drat! I think the Packers are probably going....Hey! This is just like home!! The Seahawks are probably like...What the hell?!?!? hahaha.
Noone I work with will probably come to work tomorrow. Oh well.
Crazy Seattleites and their snow.
Seattle is winning by the way, which is really fabulous...although I do love me some Brett Favre. Oh wow. Nice pass. 17 yard line. Well....Seattle might not be winning for long. lol! I have a hard time being mad at the Packers if they score. =)
So yesterday I drove home from Spokane. Let me shorten the drama by saying that it was a very, very long and tedious drive, and that I was completely exhausted when I got home. I stumbled into the house loaded down with stuff, and tossed it in a heap in my room while I tried to shake off my dizziness.
I stumbled into the shower like I was completely inebriated, and within 20 minutes of coming in the front door, I was asleep in my bed with a towel wrapped around my head. =)
I had to work early this morning. I was a blurry eyed idiot the entire time.
I am mad on the job hunt these days. I mean, seriously, it is my whole goal in life to get a new job and move before February. Imagine having my very own apartment for Christmas! Wouldn't that be nice?
It does put a slight hamper on my London travel plans. I do need to make it over there soon though, as sometime in July we are going to be blessed with a small Karla or Jordan!!! Yay!!! We like baby Brookses! woo hoo!
I love snow. I am so excited that it snowed over here. This is my first winter here, and even though it snowed while I was in Spokane....it makes it feel a little more like Christmas. =) I am getting very sleepy. The football players are sliding all over the snowy field. Nice. That's all for now. =)
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Viewing 6,087
I'm watching Anne of Green Gables (the sequel). I'm not actually sure how many times I have seen it to be honest, I just know that it's a lot.
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)
I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)
Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)
It's been some time now, and every once in awhile I just have to dig it out again. =)
I am loving Jane Espenson's blog, which I just linked this past week. She was a writer, along with Joss Whedon (sheer genius!) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and other series. She seems very real and down to earth, and as a major bonus; it is a wealth of writing information. =)
Speaking of writing...I need some new books. I left most of mine in Spokane, and now I want to buy some more. It doesn't seem normal for books not to be taking over my room. It's like...something is missing around here. :p
I have so many projects that I have started around here and never finished, and pieces of things here and there....probably I don't really need to be in the middle of four or five books again, but oh well. Sometimes I just can't help myself! =)
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Just One of Those Days
As usual I got up at the bright and early crack of dawn. Actually, I confess, I usually use the terminology "butt crack" of dawn, because 3:30 in the morning not even the morning people have gotten up yet!!!
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.
I was tired. I slept a decent amount, but the night before I had not been able to sleep and had only gotten maybe an hour and a half. So, I was still behind.
I came home and took a fabulous nap and then watched the Apple Cup. Although I love football, I am not usually a huge college football watcher. I was going to sit and do some writing though, so it seemed like great background noise.
It's been a kind of weird day, with some random side roads that I won't now go into, but I am in a very odd mood. It's 7:30. Tomorrow is day 3 of a 7 day opening streak, so I need to get some sleep. I want to do some writing first though, so I don't know. I hate that conflict of doing what I really want to do, versus going to bed way too early. Phooey.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Writer's Assistant
I know that this is the third entry I have posted.....wait. I was going to say "today" but since it's 1a.m. it is technically "tomorrow", or Thursday at any rate. =)
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.
So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...
Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.
Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)
So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.
There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!
The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.
As I said in a recent entry, sometimes I just have a need to write a lot of things.
So, recently I was talking to a friend about relocating to Bellingham. She has her own reasons for wanting to do so, and would be living there for awhile. I, on the other hand, would mostly be going because....well, why the hell not?! She has asked me to be her roommate if she decides to go, and it's something I have tossed around in my mind. The other day I looked up the Vancouver Film School. Some of you might know, that I was interested in going to film school a little while ago, although my taste runs more to the writer's programs than directing or anything like that. It's pretty expensive, but I was thinking that I could just work awhile and save money...
Here's a little rewind...
I've always loved to write, and in the past few years had tossed around the idea of becoming an editor or something like that, where you can still do your own writing on the side if you want, but it pays the bills. I've always wanted to write a book someday, although I don't know what kind. I read mostly fiction, but I write a mean research paper. I have never take a creative writing class in my life, which is amazing, since I do love fiction. In High School I took journalism and was on the newspaper staff.
Three of four years ago I was introduced to Joss Whedon's work. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, and wasn't interested initially in learning the writer's name. Eventually, that changed. I really got inspired by his work. I mean, sure, there have been some great t.v. shows in recent history, but there is a comedy and a depth to Joss's writing that I find unique. For the first time I wondered about writing for t.v.
Television has evolved a lot since I have been an adult. There is a lot of crap, but there is also a lot of great content. I never thought that something like that would interest me, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a few years now.
Tonight I was online doing some research regarding Bellingham, and film school, which I am not altogether sure I want to, or even need to do. What I did learn was that the best way to get into writing for t.v. or film is to become a writer's assistant. Not sure how I missed this before, but there it is. Of course, a lot of people know this, and therefore the writer's assistant is usually a highly coveted spot, which most people are terribly overqualified for. You know, English degrees, and pesky things like that. :p
Of course, you probably have to move and not live in Federal Way, Washington, to get a job as a writer's assistant. I like it here in the rain though! I tried to move to L.A. once, and that was an abysmal failure.
I've actually found myself praying about what I really want to do....again, as if I have found any answers there any other time. It's not that God doesn't know, it's just that all of that is probably inside of me and I am too stupid or lazy to have figured it out yet...and please, no inspirational comments regarding my calling myself "stupid." It's my blog, and when I am venting I will say whatever I want. =)
So, yes....writer's assistant. Apparently all the kids are doing it these days. I was actually thinking about...Oh, starting with a creative writing class...lol! Last fall I was feeling soooo motivated. In fact, just ask Joe (hey Joe!) I told him all about how I was starting to write a book, and every morning after class I went to Starbucks and drank tea and wrote in my little book. I actually have a few interesting morsels stored in the archives, and a bunch of stuff that has never been typed up...but I lost a little steam there for awhile, so I am trying to get that back. Still won't pay the bills however. Ahh...life will take over and have its way with me.
There's this young guy at work whom I am rather fond of. No big deal, you just click with some people more than others I guess, and I think he is an interesting, and nice fellow. So anyway, apparently he is going to recording school after the first of the year. In Los Angeles. I am both annoyed and inspired by this. You know, people actually having a desire and chasing after it...with a little bit of follow-through. I seem to lack that. It makes me feel old. Old, because bright eyed 22 year olds are still accomplishing this all over the place, and I am really doing jack. heh. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger!
The key is that you have to be willing to endure the hardship, the criticism, all the badness to get to what you ultimately want....and I am completely scared away by all of that stuff. Tired, and kind of worn out, I feel as if I had already been used and abused, and now I am supposed to suck it up, and have another go. Rawr. Life is hard like that.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Bones
I LOVE this show!!!!
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!
This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)
I confess, I started watching it when it premiered last year, because David Boreanaz was in it, and I am a fan of his from BtVS and Angel the series. I am a huge fan of all shows Joss Whedon (as if anyone reading this did not know that.)
So anyway, I started watching the show. Initially I thought the show was ok. I wasn't really sold on the chemistry of Emily Deschanel (Bones) and David Boreanaz (Seely Booth). In fact, I wasn't sure I liked her at all. She did warm up on me after awhile though.
So anyway, as anyone who reads this blog probably also knows, I am a huge fan of the t.v. show House. Hugh Laurie is great in about everything he does. It's just a great show.
House is having a great season so far. In fact, I like it better than the end of last season.
So this year I was looking forward to the premier of both shows.
Surprisingly, though I still love House, and watch/record it every week, it is Bones that I find myself looking forward to more than any other show. First of all, I love any show that has some type of forensic investigation. This show also has an extra added emotional pull. The characters are quirky and interesting. They are attached to one another, but it's not overly gushy. I looooove it. It is smart and thoughtful, with just enough hint of potential romance to feed my girly need for it.
Tonight the episode that aired was about a kidnapper called the gravedigger who buried his victims alive. He caught and buried Bones & Hodgins. What followed was not only the emotional dilemma of the crew trying to find them before their air ran out, but of them being trapped in a buried car, trying to use their scientific brains to get a message out, and find ways to get more air. (Like cutting through the backseat to puncture the air out of a spare tire.)
Maybe this sounds like the plot of many a cop show, but even so, I find that it has a freshness to it, and like I said above, a quirkiness that I truly appreciate. Oh, and I adooore the character of Jack Hodgins! =) Woot!
This has honestly become one of my favorite of all the shows I watch...maybe #1 on my list....And I just had to share it. =)
It's just a bunch of Huey! (As Jimmy Stewart would say)
Yes, I do love me some Jimmy Stewart. =)
So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.
-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.
-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.
I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.
I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.
So, here is the complainey version of my blog for this week. Actually, not neccesarily complainy, just the cold hard facts.
- I still have a somewhat icky cough. It's leftover from my having been sick for the last two weeks. Bleh.
- Madison (one of the dogs) wants me to pet her, but then I get this pet dander all around me, and that just makes me cough more. I mean, I love dogs, but she is so needy, and with all this coughing...I want her to go away. :( Yes, I am a big meany!!! Actually... I let Maddy come in and sleep on the floor, and once in awhile Buddy will come in and jump on my bed, but usually he doesn't stay long, and aside from this occassional visit, I mostly keep the animals out of my room. I am really sensitive to dust, and I am sure, pet dander. So my room is my little hidey place.
Oh, now she is whinining and giving me a very pathetic look. She tries to make me think that I am torturing her somehow.
-It is soooo windy outside. First, we had TONS of rain. A couple of big storms that came through, causing floods and overflowing rivers....
This week it was the mega wind storm that came through. All those huge trees already less stable in the mushy ground, are now finding new homes in the middle of people roofs, and over the top of the power lines they knocked to the ground. It's a mess around here.
-All this rain means tons of snow in the mountain, which I am traversing next week to eat turkey with my family. I'm hoping the roads won't be so bad at that point.
I'm looking for a new job, which, isn't really exciting at this point. It needs to happen though so....yeah.
I'm feeling kind of....blah tonight. A little tired. I think I am going to curl up and watch some tv....try to finish a couple of Christmas presents that I want to take home next week.
Oh, random comment.....I do not understand kids beauty pagents. I just....I really don't get dressing up your little people like such big people.
Also, does anyone else want to kick O.J. Simpson? Good Lord.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
My failed optimism
There's a lot of things I would like to leave out of this blog entry...
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.
I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.
You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.
I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.
God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.
It's ok to be honest and vent, but there's a point where that turns into something pathetic. Maybe it will anyway, but I am drawing my lines in the sand. No reason to expose all of my selfishness in one blog entry. hehe.
I've been dealing with this big issue in my life lately, and that is my general apathy. It's the killing factor in my life.
I used to have tons of big plans and whatnot. In fact, my close friends teased me about always having a "plan." =P
Unfortunately, most of my plans were doomed to fail. When one plan crashed and burned I just moved right along with a new one. Unfortunately, over time, I started to burn out. So, for a season, I worked really hard at not making any plans. I just took a break, thinking that I needed to absorb some basic principals where I was at in that moment.
It was probably a good idea. I spent some quality time just sitting still.
I did kind of go back to making plans after that, but I never really got anywhere. The church...actually, thats not fair. Maybe I should say, the christian circles I ran in, always talked about having a call from God. How everyone of us has a purpose in our lives and we just need to find it.
I was 19 when I started going to my last church. Ripe for people to talk to me about my "future," I bought it all.
I'm not saying it was all bad or anything, but people were always saying that "it's not you, its all Him." Like, He has to do it. He is going to show you, He is going to make the way. So, you know, I believed that. I thought he would show me. I thought there would be a way to go and I would know it. I thought there would be some sign or whatnot, and I kept looking and looking for it.
Maybe it sounds dumb. Maybe I wanted to believe in soome purpose bigger than myself, or whatever lame thing I could come up with on my own.
In any case, I spent years going here and there, doing this and that, trying different things, and not really finding something that fit. I didn't worry about it for a long time.
I mean, I just had faith that whatever was supposed to happen would happen in the end. I was going off to YWAM, and taking trips to see friends a lot, and I did a few different jobs. I felt really judged by people in my church, that I didn't just settle down into something. I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to do yet, and I was interested in a few different things, so I just tried this and that. I made a lot of friends, and had a lot of different experiences.
You know how when you are young...in your early 20's or whatever, you have all these hopes and ideas about the future? You might have a specific career goal down the road, but you have no idea what it's going to look like to get there. You think about things like marriage, and kids, and being involved in different kinds of ministry and whatnot. You assume that those things will kind of fall into place as you go along...or something like that.
I never imagined that I would be 30, and single, and working at Starbucks because I wasn't qualified to do anything else!
Actually, the fact of the matter is. I was wrong about finding that "thing" that fits. It isn't like that at all.
It's more like, choosing the lesser evil and dragging your ass through school so that you can make a career of it.
That's how I feel.
Because I am completely uninterested in doing almost anything. I know I need to find some passion to put into something, so that I won't just sit here and eat myself into oblivion. heh.
I've always been surrounded by this tremendous group of friends. Amazing people. We were kind of..."in it together."
Unfortunately, all those things you imagine happening have happened for them. They are married and have families that take their focus and energy. They have careers that they love. They are involved in ministries that they have maintained passion for, despite the difficult times. I love them, and I am happy for them, and they will always be my friends....but somehow I have drifted toward the fringe.
I can't say that it has happened entirely without a little heartbreak on my part. It would be nice to appear all strong, and full of faith, but in reality I am not, and do not posess such. I used to have a tremendous faith. Maybe when you have more, you just hit the ground a little harder when some of the air goes out of it.
God isn't really about serving us. He is doing His own thing, and the best we can hope for is that He lets us be involved. Still, I live with this delusion that people are gifted in certain areas, and that many of them find areas where they can flourish in said giftings. The struggle of my life has been telling myself to just do all the things I so loath. You know, you have to maintain a good attitude, and trust in Him, even in the very darkest places. That was what I strove for for so long, all the while believing that one day it could change, and even though at times it would still be difficult, I would have found a place where I could be challenged, and find some satisfaction from life.
Okay, it's true that I am not dead yet. Not even close hopefully. Even so, I am tired. Worn out. Heartbroken...and seriously seriously lacking faith that God cares about this, cares about me, and has any intention of ever helping me out of it.
So, because I need to eat, I am going to get up at 3:30 in the morning and go back to Starbucks (which isn't so bad after all), and I am going to keep my head up, and push myself to crawl out of the dark place I live in. Though...some days I would sincerely rather just lay there.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Trying to keep up...
I seem to go through these phases where I cannot seem to control myself with the blogging. I just need to blog constantly. Then, there are other times, like now, where I just don't feel like I have that much to say, and I am really just forcing myself to make the effort. There is something therapuetic in writing, whether I have anything to say or not like,
It was weird coming home to Federal Way from Spokane last week and saying to myself; "I live here." coming back seemed to solidify that somehow.
It's good.
I do live here. There is no desire in me to ever live in Spokane again.
So I have about finished a serious Battlestar Galactica marathon. I've been taking a bit of a break the past couple of days because I was beginning to meet people like Lee Adama, and Starbuck in my dreams at night. Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. I had the most HORRIFYING dream the other night. Saturday I think. I went to bed early, at like 8pm. I had to work at 7 in the morning and I have just been so tired this past weekend. I don't know if it was the Thai food I ate before bed or what. =P In my dream, I was sitting around this table with some people from work. Essentially, I think they were all managers of some kind. We were at this house that overlooked a beach. There was a huge deck outside, and we were sitting on this table out there, having an indepth discussion (not neccessarily having anything to do with work) At some point, something weird was going on down on the beach, and we noticed that there were a couple of people running around down there. It was no big deal though, so we went back to our conversation. Whatever we were talking about, I was agreeing with this guy Jeff, who didn't seem to be getting his point across, and I was trying to explain in a different way, when this guy Gregory jumped in and all of a sudden started saying something random about how you don't know what kinds of battles are raging behind closed doors. It felt like some kind of a spiritual comment. I mean, like you look at a couple, and they seem happy, but behind the scenes, in their home, it is a battlefield. And then Gregory said "Wars are being fought for people's very lives."
Right at that moment, we heard a sound in the sky and we all looked up. It was like something had just come through the atmosphere, you know how some of it gets burned? It was like this really loud sizzle kind of sound, like something was singhed around the edges. It looked like a meteorite way up there, all red and glowing around the edges, and then at last, it got close enough to see and it was a person. I felt this jolt go through my body and I gasped and woke up straight away. I can't even tell you the shock and trauma I felt looking up and seeing that woman falling out of the sky. In fact, it was like 10:30 at night by this point, and I got up and went downstairs and watched part of a movie with Lance and Jeni just so I could turn the image off. *shiver*
I have no idea what on earth made me have that dream, but I haven't had a dream that freaked me out that much in....I can't even tell you how long. Weird huh?
I confess, I did go see Flags of Our Fathers that day, but so?? Movies rarely cause me to have traumatizing dreams, and it felt spiritual. Bleh.
Shake it off, shake it off!
Just thought I would randomly share that.
I had a rough couple of days at work this last week. In fact, this past couple weeks have been my most difficult to date. Still, even when it's tough there is always a nice day thrown in the middle. Some people make work more enjoyable that others.
It also really amuses me that everyone at Starbucks is on Myspace. I swear. There should be a Starbucks group for crying out loud.
Okay, I have now written a sufficiently long entry, despite starting out with nothing to say. See how that works? Very nice.
That's it for now though.
It was weird coming home to Federal Way from Spokane last week and saying to myself; "I live here." coming back seemed to solidify that somehow.
It's good.
I do live here. There is no desire in me to ever live in Spokane again.
So I have about finished a serious Battlestar Galactica marathon. I've been taking a bit of a break the past couple of days because I was beginning to meet people like Lee Adama, and Starbuck in my dreams at night. Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. I had the most HORRIFYING dream the other night. Saturday I think. I went to bed early, at like 8pm. I had to work at 7 in the morning and I have just been so tired this past weekend. I don't know if it was the Thai food I ate before bed or what. =P In my dream, I was sitting around this table with some people from work. Essentially, I think they were all managers of some kind. We were at this house that overlooked a beach. There was a huge deck outside, and we were sitting on this table out there, having an indepth discussion (not neccessarily having anything to do with work) At some point, something weird was going on down on the beach, and we noticed that there were a couple of people running around down there. It was no big deal though, so we went back to our conversation. Whatever we were talking about, I was agreeing with this guy Jeff, who didn't seem to be getting his point across, and I was trying to explain in a different way, when this guy Gregory jumped in and all of a sudden started saying something random about how you don't know what kinds of battles are raging behind closed doors. It felt like some kind of a spiritual comment. I mean, like you look at a couple, and they seem happy, but behind the scenes, in their home, it is a battlefield. And then Gregory said "Wars are being fought for people's very lives."
Right at that moment, we heard a sound in the sky and we all looked up. It was like something had just come through the atmosphere, you know how some of it gets burned? It was like this really loud sizzle kind of sound, like something was singhed around the edges. It looked like a meteorite way up there, all red and glowing around the edges, and then at last, it got close enough to see and it was a person. I felt this jolt go through my body and I gasped and woke up straight away. I can't even tell you the shock and trauma I felt looking up and seeing that woman falling out of the sky. In fact, it was like 10:30 at night by this point, and I got up and went downstairs and watched part of a movie with Lance and Jeni just so I could turn the image off. *shiver*
I have no idea what on earth made me have that dream, but I haven't had a dream that freaked me out that much in....I can't even tell you how long. Weird huh?
I confess, I did go see Flags of Our Fathers that day, but so?? Movies rarely cause me to have traumatizing dreams, and it felt spiritual. Bleh.
Shake it off, shake it off!
Just thought I would randomly share that.
I had a rough couple of days at work this last week. In fact, this past couple weeks have been my most difficult to date. Still, even when it's tough there is always a nice day thrown in the middle. Some people make work more enjoyable that others.
It also really amuses me that everyone at Starbucks is on Myspace. I swear. There should be a Starbucks group for crying out loud.
Okay, I have now written a sufficiently long entry, despite starting out with nothing to say. See how that works? Very nice.
That's it for now though.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The old old days
So today was one of those mornings where I had to get up way..way too early. I worked on some projects when I got home, but eventually succombed to the temptation of the nap. During said nap I had the most odd dream. Okay, well, I guess its not that odd in the great scheme of Amanda's brain, but it was somewhat odd. I dreamed about this guy named Kris from high school who I am pretty sure I haven't talked to since graduation...Okay, it's possible I talked to him after that, but if so, I forget.
These days, its not all that weird to randomly run into somebody from high school (Hi Ryan! Oh, and hi Nickie!) but the dream just seemed very out of the blue. I just dreamed that he came to see me at Starbucks (although I think I was in Spokane at the time), and we had a nice conversation, and he told me that he lived in Renton, and something about commuting, and I told him I lived in Federal Way, and then I had to walk to another building, where we promptly ran into my grandparents. haha. Anyway. That's all the weirdness I have to report.
I know Kris does live on this side of the mountains, but that's about all I know. Not sure what dropped his face into my psychae. *shrug*
I was talking to someone today about Battlestar Galactica, since I have it on the brain. It's kind of hard not to with how many episodes I have watched in the last few days. Plus, I enjoy any geeky connection with people. haha!! It doesn't take much these days to get a sticker on my happy page.
Spokane was good, but I was glad that I got to leave again. I am going to restart the job hunt, which hasn't really been going at all lately. I mostly like my job, but there are a couple of people who seem sent to remind me that I am not a Starbucks lifer.
I know I haven't updated the ole blog here lately. There just hasn't felt like anything to say. Spent a couple of days in Spokane like I mentioned above, and now I am doing a lot of opening shifts. I definitely like opening with some people more than others. It's not like I really genuinely dislike anyone that I work with, but I for sure secretly have my favorites...because they make work workable. =P
Anyway. That's pretty much all I have to say. Maybe the title of this blog should be "Ode to Kris Kanzler" hehe.
Blessings to all.
=)
These days, its not all that weird to randomly run into somebody from high school (Hi Ryan! Oh, and hi Nickie!) but the dream just seemed very out of the blue. I just dreamed that he came to see me at Starbucks (although I think I was in Spokane at the time), and we had a nice conversation, and he told me that he lived in Renton, and something about commuting, and I told him I lived in Federal Way, and then I had to walk to another building, where we promptly ran into my grandparents. haha. Anyway. That's all the weirdness I have to report.
I know Kris does live on this side of the mountains, but that's about all I know. Not sure what dropped his face into my psychae. *shrug*
I was talking to someone today about Battlestar Galactica, since I have it on the brain. It's kind of hard not to with how many episodes I have watched in the last few days. Plus, I enjoy any geeky connection with people. haha!! It doesn't take much these days to get a sticker on my happy page.
Spokane was good, but I was glad that I got to leave again. I am going to restart the job hunt, which hasn't really been going at all lately. I mostly like my job, but there are a couple of people who seem sent to remind me that I am not a Starbucks lifer.
I know I haven't updated the ole blog here lately. There just hasn't felt like anything to say. Spent a couple of days in Spokane like I mentioned above, and now I am doing a lot of opening shifts. I definitely like opening with some people more than others. It's not like I really genuinely dislike anyone that I work with, but I for sure secretly have my favorites...because they make work workable. =P
Anyway. That's pretty much all I have to say. Maybe the title of this blog should be "Ode to Kris Kanzler" hehe.
Blessings to all.
=)
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Italy
I hate shows where they blow up Rome.
Especially since I haven't been there yet and it fills me with dread that somehow I'll never get to see all those ancient treasures. =)
I love old things, what can I say?
I always did have a fascination with archaeology. =P When I was in Europe I thought briefly about going to Pompeii, but didn't do it. Someday, I hope.
I also really want to go to the Louvre. I know there are a lot of other fantastic places to go in France, but how can you not want to see all of that art?!?! I can't imagine. I love the details. =)
If little sister becomes a high school counselor, then we'll have to take a summer and go walk about. Since, obviously, she won't have to work.
It's just always putting things off into the future that bothers me...because you just never know what's going to happen, and you need to do things while you can.
Especially since I haven't been there yet and it fills me with dread that somehow I'll never get to see all those ancient treasures. =)
I love old things, what can I say?
I always did have a fascination with archaeology. =P When I was in Europe I thought briefly about going to Pompeii, but didn't do it. Someday, I hope.
I also really want to go to the Louvre. I know there are a lot of other fantastic places to go in France, but how can you not want to see all of that art?!?! I can't imagine. I love the details. =)
If little sister becomes a high school counselor, then we'll have to take a summer and go walk about. Since, obviously, she won't have to work.
It's just always putting things off into the future that bothers me...because you just never know what's going to happen, and you need to do things while you can.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Yay for reality
I'm having one of those moments, where reality just sinks in. I'm not sure how to explain exactly. Nothing major has happened to cause this, I just feel firmly planted at the moment. It's kind of good actually. Sometimes I live far out in space. =P It's this problem I have. ha!!
That is my random information for today. My back has been feeling so much better, but right now it hurts and I probably should go to bed and get some rest. I still have a long weekend of work ahead of me. *sigh* It would be nice to have a day off where I am not just laying in bed in pain. I'm a little worn out from it to be honest.
Okay, short entry tonight, but it's all I've got.
That is my random information for today. My back has been feeling so much better, but right now it hurts and I probably should go to bed and get some rest. I still have a long weekend of work ahead of me. *sigh* It would be nice to have a day off where I am not just laying in bed in pain. I'm a little worn out from it to be honest.
Okay, short entry tonight, but it's all I've got.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Ouchie. Ouchie. Ouchie.
Phooey on Monday mornings. Good thing there is football on tonight or this day would be completely irredeemable! haha.
At roughy 6:15 this morning, standing in the drive-thru window at Starbucks, my back abruptly gave out. At least, I guess that's what it did. It hurts....a lot. When I am just taking a small step I sometimes feel like I am about to hit the floor, and also, I can't even lift a gallon of milk. It's not pretty. Lifting a gallon of milk is pretty important when you work at Starbucks. hehe.
Needless to say, I am now at home. It's hard to work when it causes you pain just to hand someone their change out the window.
Rawr.
I would kill for a fabulous muscle relaxer right now.
I must face the inevitable visit to the chiropractor. Maybe I can also go to the massage therapist. That's something I can get into. My old chiropractor in Spokane had a massage therapy place right in their office!!! Is that normal? It's fabulous anyway. I'm probably going to have to get a new x-ray of my spine. Joy.
Actually, I have no medical coverage to go to the chiropractor. My benefits are great actually, its just that I never go to the doctor, so I chose the cheapest possible plan. I mean, if I got strep throat it would be no problem. Of course, I can change my plan, but in the meantime...Grr. I *do* have coverage for physical therapy, so I am going to have to see a doctor and go from there. Bleh.
In leiu of muscle relaxers I have opted for ibuprofen and Kahlua. hehe One does what one can. :p
I am sitting at the computer because I don't want to lay in bed all day long. It just doesn't sound very appealing. My treatment method hasn't kicked in yet though, and boy am I hurting!! So, I could be in bed with a stack of dvd's anytime now. :p
Thank God for a good attitude.
If I were crabby pants this could be so much worse. =)
At roughy 6:15 this morning, standing in the drive-thru window at Starbucks, my back abruptly gave out. At least, I guess that's what it did. It hurts....a lot. When I am just taking a small step I sometimes feel like I am about to hit the floor, and also, I can't even lift a gallon of milk. It's not pretty. Lifting a gallon of milk is pretty important when you work at Starbucks. hehe.
Needless to say, I am now at home. It's hard to work when it causes you pain just to hand someone their change out the window.
Rawr.
I would kill for a fabulous muscle relaxer right now.
I must face the inevitable visit to the chiropractor. Maybe I can also go to the massage therapist. That's something I can get into. My old chiropractor in Spokane had a massage therapy place right in their office!!! Is that normal? It's fabulous anyway. I'm probably going to have to get a new x-ray of my spine. Joy.
Actually, I have no medical coverage to go to the chiropractor. My benefits are great actually, its just that I never go to the doctor, so I chose the cheapest possible plan. I mean, if I got strep throat it would be no problem. Of course, I can change my plan, but in the meantime...Grr. I *do* have coverage for physical therapy, so I am going to have to see a doctor and go from there. Bleh.
In leiu of muscle relaxers I have opted for ibuprofen and Kahlua. hehe One does what one can. :p
I am sitting at the computer because I don't want to lay in bed all day long. It just doesn't sound very appealing. My treatment method hasn't kicked in yet though, and boy am I hurting!! So, I could be in bed with a stack of dvd's anytime now. :p
Thank God for a good attitude.
If I were crabby pants this could be so much worse. =)
Monday, September 18, 2006
It's raining, it's pouring...
Okay, well, technically not pouring. =P In fact, I think I see some sunshine out the window! Still, it was pretty soggy this morning and I LIKED it! Might as well document this here, so that in six months when I am like....WOULD IT PLEASE STOP RAINING?!?! You can all snicker. haha
I. love. Seattle. I really do. More than I thought I did.
Yesterday, once again, I drove downtown and met Ryan and we went to Mars Hill. Of course, yesterday a Seahawks game had just gotten over, and there were like a kazillion jerseyed football fans everywhere. Unlike myself, this did not even stress me out. I was feeling very happy driving into Seattle. It's this weird thing that happens to me. I just like going there. And, ya know, I have always liked Seattle, but it's different now.
I almost didn't go to church yesterday. I worked until 1, and then I came home and Lance and Jeni were sorthing all of the left over boxes and things in the garage, trying to get the last bits of their house in order. So I contributed by sweeping, and mopping, and doing dishes and whatnot. My back hurt and I was a little tired, and I knew I had a long week ahead of me, but I also knew that Seattle makes me happy. hehe.
Besides, I felt like I should go. Know what I mean? So I went, and I was so glad. The sermon was good, as I think they usually are, but there must also just be something in the atmosphere there that seeps into me, because when I leave I always feel like a tiny bit of life has settled in my bones, and I always feel great when I am driving home again.
Okay, maybe it's not fair to say "always" since I have only done it a couple of times so far...Maybe so far so great would be better. =)
So today I was driving home from work, and it was rainy and dreary and everything looked very green. I just felt this well of emotions rise up in me, that I don't really know how to explain. I wish I did have the words, because then later I could look back and go "Oh yeah!! That is exactly how I felt!"
I did think about Amsterdam...I have this pair of black shoes that I bought in Amsterdam. They are just kind of sleek and fashionably functional. They are perfect for walking in the rain. They don't slip on anything wet. Amsterdam is one of those trend setting fashion cities, and there are always crazy things on the street. People go by in crazy outfits with huge, glittery hot-pink mohawks and stuff like that. Then there are a bunch of people that just look like super-models. The thing I remember the most however is just....well, again, the word sleek comes to mind.
Of course, as far as fitness there is that European practice of walking everywhere, and riding your bike. (Plus they have to climb up and down all those obscenely long spiral staircases!) It's not like everyone is super thin either, they just look good. Lots of well dressed, sleek looking people, moving with purpose, side by side with the crazy fasion statement crowd.
At least, that's what is in my memory. I could have made it up. haha.
Ahhh Memories.
Shawn sent me a postcard from back east, and she mentioned being homesick for Europe. It just really is a different world. I really hope I get to go back someday....before something crazy happens...(my fear of which I will not at this time elaborate on)
Well, that's just about all I have to say today. I am living in a strange place at the moment; right between the past and the hopeful future. I am processing.
Here I go to do some more of that...!
Adios!
*For the whole two of you who might have any clue what I am talking about, I am and am not giving up on my lame (very very lame) search, but am very close to offering 50$ to whichever friend can definitively locate the elusive JP. Of course, that is a piddly amount considering the trouble I have gone to already without actually hiring myself a spy. ha. ha. It just sounded good for a moment.
I. love. Seattle. I really do. More than I thought I did.
Yesterday, once again, I drove downtown and met Ryan and we went to Mars Hill. Of course, yesterday a Seahawks game had just gotten over, and there were like a kazillion jerseyed football fans everywhere. Unlike myself, this did not even stress me out. I was feeling very happy driving into Seattle. It's this weird thing that happens to me. I just like going there. And, ya know, I have always liked Seattle, but it's different now.
I almost didn't go to church yesterday. I worked until 1, and then I came home and Lance and Jeni were sorthing all of the left over boxes and things in the garage, trying to get the last bits of their house in order. So I contributed by sweeping, and mopping, and doing dishes and whatnot. My back hurt and I was a little tired, and I knew I had a long week ahead of me, but I also knew that Seattle makes me happy. hehe.
Besides, I felt like I should go. Know what I mean? So I went, and I was so glad. The sermon was good, as I think they usually are, but there must also just be something in the atmosphere there that seeps into me, because when I leave I always feel like a tiny bit of life has settled in my bones, and I always feel great when I am driving home again.
Okay, maybe it's not fair to say "always" since I have only done it a couple of times so far...Maybe so far so great would be better. =)
So today I was driving home from work, and it was rainy and dreary and everything looked very green. I just felt this well of emotions rise up in me, that I don't really know how to explain. I wish I did have the words, because then later I could look back and go "Oh yeah!! That is exactly how I felt!"
I did think about Amsterdam...I have this pair of black shoes that I bought in Amsterdam. They are just kind of sleek and fashionably functional. They are perfect for walking in the rain. They don't slip on anything wet. Amsterdam is one of those trend setting fashion cities, and there are always crazy things on the street. People go by in crazy outfits with huge, glittery hot-pink mohawks and stuff like that. Then there are a bunch of people that just look like super-models. The thing I remember the most however is just....well, again, the word sleek comes to mind.
Of course, as far as fitness there is that European practice of walking everywhere, and riding your bike. (Plus they have to climb up and down all those obscenely long spiral staircases!) It's not like everyone is super thin either, they just look good. Lots of well dressed, sleek looking people, moving with purpose, side by side with the crazy fasion statement crowd.
At least, that's what is in my memory. I could have made it up. haha.
Ahhh Memories.
Shawn sent me a postcard from back east, and she mentioned being homesick for Europe. It just really is a different world. I really hope I get to go back someday....before something crazy happens...(my fear of which I will not at this time elaborate on)
Well, that's just about all I have to say today. I am living in a strange place at the moment; right between the past and the hopeful future. I am processing.
Here I go to do some more of that...!
Adios!
*For the whole two of you who might have any clue what I am talking about, I am and am not giving up on my lame (very very lame) search, but am very close to offering 50$ to whichever friend can definitively locate the elusive JP. Of course, that is a piddly amount considering the trouble I have gone to already without actually hiring myself a spy. ha. ha. It just sounded good for a moment.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Searching...
Today I got an email from Beth, letting us all know how school is going and whatnot. She mentioned fall, and how this is the time of year where she misses Spokane. It does have a high degree of fall splendour...especially on the south hill in the middle of a forest of Maple trees.....my favorite.
To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it though. I have some nostalgia for the gray weather of this region. An inspirational week in rainy Olympia from way back in the day, and a transformational three months in rainy Amsterdam. Good things have happened for me in gray and rainy places. Perhaps it just gives me a sense of hope. Weird, I know, but there it is.
I was talking to a couple of people this week about my plans and about what I want for my future. Of course, I don't really have a lot of answers to those questions. I am relatively non stressed out by thinking about it though, which is a nice change from days gone by.
For whatever reason memories are flooding back to me and I am sorting through plans long past. I am also sorting through faces in my mind, and for good or bad, find myself searching for people and ideas that were long ago lost to me.
It's been my experience (and certainly not mine alone) that to truly move forward you have to let go of the past. There are a couple of things from my past that keep resurfacing for me, not in any super negative way, but just in terms of being distracting enough that I am starting to think I'm going to have to face them down. I am not completely sure how that will be accomplished, but in one case, there is a person I feel like I need to see. I'm sure all it would take is a brief encounter to lodge our current reality firmly into my brain, but even so, that is easier said than done. What seems simple can also be very complicated.
In any case, it is my attempt to move forward that has me desiring to look the past (good and bad) squarely in the face and say; "Move out of my way." hehe.
So the past couple of days I find myself searching, searching for avenues...onces that I have yet to find. That's where I am, and that's really all there is.
To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it though. I have some nostalgia for the gray weather of this region. An inspirational week in rainy Olympia from way back in the day, and a transformational three months in rainy Amsterdam. Good things have happened for me in gray and rainy places. Perhaps it just gives me a sense of hope. Weird, I know, but there it is.
I was talking to a couple of people this week about my plans and about what I want for my future. Of course, I don't really have a lot of answers to those questions. I am relatively non stressed out by thinking about it though, which is a nice change from days gone by.
For whatever reason memories are flooding back to me and I am sorting through plans long past. I am also sorting through faces in my mind, and for good or bad, find myself searching for people and ideas that were long ago lost to me.
It's been my experience (and certainly not mine alone) that to truly move forward you have to let go of the past. There are a couple of things from my past that keep resurfacing for me, not in any super negative way, but just in terms of being distracting enough that I am starting to think I'm going to have to face them down. I am not completely sure how that will be accomplished, but in one case, there is a person I feel like I need to see. I'm sure all it would take is a brief encounter to lodge our current reality firmly into my brain, but even so, that is easier said than done. What seems simple can also be very complicated.
In any case, it is my attempt to move forward that has me desiring to look the past (good and bad) squarely in the face and say; "Move out of my way." hehe.
So the past couple of days I find myself searching, searching for avenues...onces that I have yet to find. That's where I am, and that's really all there is.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Yeah yeah yeah
Okay, I know that I am a bad little blogger, but there just isn't much to tell, and to be honest, I have just been too busy doing other things to sit here and update.
Work is fine, everyone is nice, so that is a relief. hehe. I am still applying for other jobs, but it's no big emergency.
Today I looked at online programs to get a degree in Homeland Security or something like. They probably cost a gazillion dollars, as do most things pertaining to education...oh well. Anyway, did you know that you can get an AS in homeland security? Crazy. I hate math and science but....maybe I could suck it up. Anyway, it was just one of those things I felt like doing. I really hate school so....who knows. I've never tried doing it online.
Nothing really exciting to share today. It actually sort of rained this morning, which is a first since I've been here, and that only last about ten minutes. It's just been cool and gray ever since then. I actually see blue sky out the window for the first time all day. I like the gray though. =) Okay, maybe in January when I feel depressed I will have changed my mind, but since that has yet to happen I am going with positive thinking.
I spent three months in dreary, cold, windy Amsterdam September through December, and I loved it, so how bad can this place be??? It doesn't even snow here for crying out loud...there are no canals to freeze solid, and the freezing, nearly solid feeling, chill-you-to-your-bones, icey air isn't going to blow in off the north sea. Granted, it might feel colder in downtown Seattle with wind coming in off of Puget Sound, but I am not there, and it's still warmer here than home...just a different kind of cold. More humid.
Speaking of cold, it is chilly here in the basement, and besides, I have things to do so I must away!
Adios!!!
Work is fine, everyone is nice, so that is a relief. hehe. I am still applying for other jobs, but it's no big emergency.
Today I looked at online programs to get a degree in Homeland Security or something like. They probably cost a gazillion dollars, as do most things pertaining to education...oh well. Anyway, did you know that you can get an AS in homeland security? Crazy. I hate math and science but....maybe I could suck it up. Anyway, it was just one of those things I felt like doing. I really hate school so....who knows. I've never tried doing it online.
Nothing really exciting to share today. It actually sort of rained this morning, which is a first since I've been here, and that only last about ten minutes. It's just been cool and gray ever since then. I actually see blue sky out the window for the first time all day. I like the gray though. =) Okay, maybe in January when I feel depressed I will have changed my mind, but since that has yet to happen I am going with positive thinking.
I spent three months in dreary, cold, windy Amsterdam September through December, and I loved it, so how bad can this place be??? It doesn't even snow here for crying out loud...there are no canals to freeze solid, and the freezing, nearly solid feeling, chill-you-to-your-bones, icey air isn't going to blow in off the north sea. Granted, it might feel colder in downtown Seattle with wind coming in off of Puget Sound, but I am not there, and it's still warmer here than home...just a different kind of cold. More humid.
Speaking of cold, it is chilly here in the basement, and besides, I have things to do so I must away!
Adios!!!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
For Nickie
This post isn't about whatever Nickie and I have talked about lately, it's more about my relationship with God, but I thought she'd like to hear, so this post is for her.
I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.
Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"
I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)
Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.
Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!
I learned this amazing thing about God when my sister died, that I thought I had known before and I guess I am always learning. That is how He is all Encompassing. When that tragedy happened I found myself in this unique place where I was no longer mad about petty things, or even concerned about stuff like how I needed to buy new tires for my car. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. It became all about the basics, and the basics were worshipping God. I am actually really greatful for that time, because I was able to just be in this place of grief where all I could do was worship God and it was the most profound thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I think we get these tiny reminders of just how all encompassing He is. We think in such a two dimensional way compared to Him.
Anyway, even before that time, but maybe more since, I have learned to really appreciate raw worship. This is one of the reasons I love Bono and U2, regardless of what other christians might think of them. They never apologize for where they are, they are really honest about it. Whatever questions they have of God, or whatever they are going through, comes out in their music. So I love worship music like that. I love Nichole Nordeman because she always seems to be right where I am. She sings a lot of songs about worshipping Him just because He is, regardless of where we are. A great example of this is a song called Gratitude.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain"
I was very tempted to post the whole song, but I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. It's worth checking out anyway.
You know, there is just that place where everything sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it, but no matter what, He is still God, He is still good, (even if that is beyond our comoprehension) and all we can do is just be on our face worshipping Him, knowing that....despite all else.
Sometimes bad things happen, and people try to comfort you, or tell you these lame christian antecdotes, but I think you can tell the people who really get what you are going through...they are the people who want to just let you suffer...because they know that that is not a bad place. They are the people who are not afraid to feel the pain with you.
(Not that everyone doesn't have good intentions of course.)
Anyway, I just love that reality of life with God. People who don't try to sugar coat it. So I can be like....This is just how it is. I can be kind of miserable, and life can suck today, but I am still going to worship Him because He is. Of course, sometimes I can come across loving Him more than other times. hehe. Even so...this honest christian is the kind I want to be.
Just thought I'd share that!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Federal Way
Well, at last, here I am.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
I've only really been here for a couple of days, but it feels like longer. Strange.
I'm starting work tomorrow, which is nice. Not having things to do is not really good for me. I did bring a trove of old Bible study stuff, which I have not spent a great deal of time on yet, so there is something...
I haven't been online at all in two days...which isn't long, but feels like it. Probably not a good sign. lol!! Actually, if I had been busier I wouldn't have noticed quite as much.
So...my friends are awesome and it's very nice to see them. I am sleeping in the cushiest bed of my life, which makes me wonder how I am ever going to transition into getting up at 3:30 in the morning again! Also, there are so many pillows on the bed that I don't know what to do with myself. This luxury is wasted on me; a terrible bed maker. In the mornings I am trying my hardest to make it all lovely again. hehe.
Tonight Jeni had to run out to Orting to sign some paperwork stuff for the old house. Apparently when she comes back we are going to have drinks and veg in front of the tv, which sounds like a plan to me. My brain thinks too much, and right now I just need for it to be quiet and let me have some peace. It's just one of those days.
I LOVE the weather. It's not cold, but it certainly isn't hot. When I got up this morning it was all gray. It got a bit sunny later, but still pretty cloudy, and I love that I can sleep under a comfy blanket. It hasn't really rained, which I said I wanted..but I am just fine with this. Not complaining at all!
It was 95 on Monday when I left Spokane, and I just wanted to cry. I cannot tolerate heat the same way I used to be able to. I get fairly irritable. It ended up being okay, although it did seem like a really long drive for once.
I was thinking on my way over that its been awhile since I drove up to the Flathead Lake area. Now its much further to do so, and I don't know when its going to happen, but I dearly love that drive from Spokane to Kalispell. One of these days...
Today I have been thinking about issues that I don't really want to admit too, but suffice it to say that there are areas in my life aggravating me at the moment. It's been a good few months and I have felt fairly content for the most part, but today I am feeling frustrated. As most people, I am sure, I want to have control over my feelings and emotions at all times, but that doesn't always happen and it makes me mad!!!! =P Grrr! I get mad at myself for letting my guard down, and reaping the consequences of being too sensitive. It's a balancing act for me!!! *sigh*
Anyway, things are pretty good in general. I can't really complain too loudly. God is good, and still looking out for me.
And now, I am hungry and must make dinner.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Your Grace Still Amazes Me
(The title is in reference to a Phillips, Craig & Dean song)
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Alright, so I have this post that I really want to make, except that for once words are totally failing me and I don't know if I can do it justice. I really want to do it justice, but what the heck.....I am just going to go for it.
It's 2:00a.m. I have to work at 4:30a.m. Essentially I would be getting up in an hour and a half even if I tried to go to sleep (which seems a little pointless by now). The reason I am up so late is because I had dinner at a friends. I knew that if I went I would be up late...I didn't realize that I wouldn't sleep at all, but maybe I should have assumed that. You see, the people I went to hang out with are old friends of mine, and that's what I want to talk about.
When I was 19 I came to the Rock. The Rock is the church I attended for ten years until I left last November. About four months after I got there, a couple of people started talking about starting a college group, because there wasn't one functioning at that time. Several people our age had begun hanging out at our apartment anyway, becoming friends and whatnot, so it was a fairly easy transition.
What followed...I am not sure I will ever be able to explain. I can only say that there must have been some sort of divine intervention. We started meeting one night a week (officially) in September of 1996. The next year of my life ended up being one of the most amazing, transitional, growth filled times in my life.
For whatever reason, I just ended up with this amazing group of people who just clicked with each other. I mean, certain people had their issues and disagreements, but for the most part....I have just never belonged to a group of people who had such love and grace for one another. Our hearts were knitted together...I don't even know how it happened. We just spent all of our time with each other. Talking about God, going to church, doing Bible studies, but most of all just hanging out and being lame together. hehe.
Everything revolved around Phil's house for awhile. We would go out there and play pool in his parents basement. We'd chat and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning all the time. (I was younger and had more risilience back then. hehe)
My friend Rachel and I used to hang out at Phil's till 2, and then we'd leave...or try to. We'd end up talking out in front of our cars for an hour....even in the dead of winter. Finally when we couldn't stand being out there anymore, we would drive to Shari's ( a restaurant) a few blocks away, and drink coffee until 5a.m., at which time, Rachel would go straight to work. We did this all the time.
There was a lot of growth, a lot of great memories were made, and, in short, it was just the most amazing time in my life. Eventually we all began to move on. I mean, people were going to school, and going overseas to do missions, and whatnot. It was just that stage in life...it was bound to happen. We all had our own courses to pursue in life.
Lance was very busy with his business, Phil went to Spain to study, among other things, and eventually got his Master's degree to teach secondary Spanish. Rachel did a school of frontier missions, and married someone she met there. They live in southern CA now, and are planning on starting a school in Egypt eventually. Renee got married and moved to Vancouver. Becky went to the Peace Corp in the Phillipines, Rhonda went to Japan, Eliesha and I are still the token single people living here in Spokane. Karla went to YWAM fulltime, and she eventually (finally) married Jordan and moved to the UK. Christian is still around...but the point is, we have all gotten a little spread out.
The most amazing thing is though...whenever somebody comes to Spokane we all rally. Last Thanksgiving Karla and Jordan were home, so we all got together at Phil's. He and his wife live in the Spokane Valley now. Once again, it has become the place we meet. Renee calls everyone when she is in town. Rachel calls everyone when she is in town.
A year and a half ago? Two years? I got a call from someone...I don't even remember who, that Phil was sick and in the hospital. He had gotten some virus, and just went down fast. It ended up attacking his heart. It was a pretty serious time. I got on the phone and called everyone. It was pins and needles for awhile, but the whole gang was praying. I'd talk to people on the phone, and you know, it was just like our brother was in the hospital. That's the kind of feeling we have toward one another. No matter how often we get to hang out.
Phil recovered, Praise the Lord. He'll have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life because they replaced a valve, but we're just happy to have him with us.
So tonight a few of us were over there, Martha made us some tasty tequila laced lemonade, because she is Mexican and he might as well be, and that's just what you do. haha! Seriously, it was just such a good time. Catching up, and telling old stories. I would say that at least half of us do this once a year anyway. It's just incredible that after all this time....10 years now, marriages, sicknesses, children later...we are all as close as we've ever been, some of us more so, just not neccesarily in proximity.
Every once in awhile I just get overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. It's hard for me to imagine that some people never have had friends like mine. I am occassionally ungrateful, and once in awhile we have our issues, but in the long run....These are the people who's doorsteps I could show up on at 3:00 in the morning, no matter what was going on. I'm serious about that. Some friends you think might be those kind of friends, but these guys are. There is no shadow of doubt about that.
When I left tonight it was Phil and I, Rachel, and Eliesha and I told them....you know, the gooey things that everyone doesn't always say because its too gushy and sentimental? The stuff usually reserved for Christmas cards, or for when someone dies? Well, I told them that I think it's amazing that we are all still friends, and that I love them a bunch. I'm not sure they can even understand, or that I do, the love that wells up in my heart over them.
As I was driving home tonight, I just felt this thankfulness gushing out of my heart, and there are long periods of time I have gone without really being able to feel that. I am thankful, literally just to feel thankful. hehe. My heart was just full at that moment, as it feels every once in awhile, and it reminded me that we worship a big, good God, who loves his kids and sincerely has their best in mind. Knowing that makes it so much easier to give everything up and follow him. To jump off the edge of faith so to speak. I just haven't felt this way in such a long time...
It's been building, but then to be reminded by these dear old folks who I know, and have a relationship with, soley because of His great kindness and mercy.
From the depths of my heart....Sincerely, sincerely, Thank You Jesus.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
"Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day, I fall on my knees....
Cuz Your grace still amazes me."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Ahhhh Family.
You just gotta love 'em. Yep. I'm sticking with that.
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
I have escaped from my box filled room for a few minutes. I pretty much got up and started packing right away this morning, before I had even put clothes on I could be seen in. haha. I am now starving since I haven't taken time to eat all day. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take the time to cook anything, so I am just scavenging for snack foods. hehe.
The past couple days have been fairly busy, and it's only getting worse as Monday draws closer. Tonight I am meeting a friend from work when she gets off, and after that I am going to a another friends house for dinner. Who knows when I'll get home, but it will be somewhat late for me, and I have to work at 4:30 in the morning, so I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I get off at 11:45a.m. and I have to run home, change, cash my check, and make a salad for my friends birthday bbq which starts at 2. Lots of people I want to hang out with are going to be there, so that will be nice. Whenever I get home, I will have finished all the laundry I needed to do before it could be packed, and then it will just be the random miscellaneous stuff that is hiding around the house, and whatnot that still needs to be packed. Hopefully, God willing, that will be the end of it, because Sunday I am meeting Christian to go over Bible study stuff, and after that I have a bbq at my granparents that will take the rest of the day.
PHEW!
=)
I won't even go into Monday...all that matter is that sometime during the course of that 24 hours I will land in Federal Way. After that....who knows! I should be able to update my blog fairly regularly, but things are still a little up in the air. I need to go in on Tuesday and talk to my new manager, and then I am still going to be looking for another job so....yeah. Welcome to my crazy life.
It's going to be good though.
Despite the hectiness I am not stressed out. Amen for that.
I am, however, really sick of blogging about packing, etc. etc.
Lately everything has boiled down to this boring drivel. Ugh.
Here's to next week, and new things to write about!!!! =)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
God's Promise for Seattle?
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I found this picture and I really love it. It reminded me of God's promise after the flood.
It makes me think of Mars Hill and their love for the city...their desire to grow and bring more people to know the love of God. It's like Jesus is just reaching down and touching the city of Seattle with his holy finger. Beautiful.
Indescribable!!
"Indescribable
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name
You are amazing God...
All Powerful
Untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God."
I can't get this song out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. I found it last night on accident, and it's been with me ever since. Yay for Chris Tomlin! Woooo!
So, apparently I am on some crazy worship music kick. Last night I was listening to Nichole Nordeman, who always inspires me, and from there it branched into worship music. I was trying to send Ryan a couple of clips off of napster and I found this treasure of worship music there. It was a downward music spiral in which I didn't go to sleep until after 12. hehe.
I am in such a good mood that I don't even know what to do with myself!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody's been slipping me the happy pills again. I got some coffee this morning, to prepare myself for several hours of packing ahead. I've just been sitting here enjoying it. Now I am trying to decide if I should go pack for awhile, and take a break in the middle to listen to the Mars Hill sermon from Sunday, or if I should just listen to it now. Hmm. I'm feeling tormented over having to turn the worship music off. =P Alas, my Chris Tomlin marathon is going to have to come to a temporary end. I'm going to promise myself that I can come back to it this afternoon after my 2ND dentist appointment for the day. hehe.
So...
It *is* possible that later on today I will have something a bit more....deep to write about, but for now, that's pretty much it. I'm feeling blissfully shallow at the moment. =)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Reality of Moving
The title probably implies that this entry is about packing, and stress, and all the stuff that goes along with moving, but it's actually not. It's more about the fact that reality hit me today that I am moving...in like five days. I work on Saturday, but the next three days are full of dental appointments, sorting, packing, and seeing everyone I can cram in. Today I worked with several people for the last time, my usual weekday morning crew.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
As I was leaving one of our assistant managers came and gave me a big hug, and another gal that I work with also came and hugged me and said goodbye. It was kind of touching actually. I almost teared up!! =P
I was talking to my manager, who is corresponding with another Starbucks on the west side where I am transferring., and she gave me some really encouraging feedback, telling me what kinds of things she shared with that other manager. It was a pretty great day over all. I came away feeling more appreciated than I had before.
Hugging people goodbye just made me realize that I am actually leaving in a matter of days.
A month ago, when I was starting to prepare for the move, I was really stressed out, but now that I am about to leave, I feel a lot more calm. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to seeing Jeni, and helping her do whatever stuff with the house that she needs help with. Yeah!
It's been an interesting week so far, and it's only Tuesday night! There's moving stuff....God kicking my butt in a variety of ways....you know, that sort of thing.
On another note, my sisters kittens are driving me toward the edge!! Of course, they are cute and playful and generally endearing, but today they are high maintenance and keep meowing at me for no apparent reason. They also like to dig their little claws into one's leg and climb on up whenever they take the notion. Arrgghh! I hate those surprise attacks when a kitten flies at me from out of nowhere and latches itself onto my calve!!!! Rawr!
Well that's all I have to share today. Not terribly exciting, just life.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hallelujah
"she sings hallelujah, when all has become nothing
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
her hope in the savior has colored all she does, taints the way she loves
she sings hallelujah and falls to the ground again
with hands held up to the sky she's waiting for the day
she will hear him say...."
I want that to be my theme song. I was telling Ryan this the other day.
Sneaky, sneaky God. He has this way of creeping into your life in these unexpected ways. Like, just when you thought you had wriggled out from under his thumb in that one area, you suddenly realize that you are there again!!! I remember finding myself saying....NO MORE!!!!! I even seemed to escape for awhile, but that time of false comfort has whizzed right passed me out the door.
Once again, the familiar stretching feeling that I used to love, when I loved PAIN and now I HATE! haha! A long time ago God gave me a very specific word through someone, about checking my motives. It was a bit of a confirmation to me. and Oh Lord, how often I have checked my motives.
You know, friendships, family relationships, marriage relationships, they are not about what you personally get out of them.
I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say something about this; about it not being selfish. You put the other person before yourself. It's about them. That means you try to always do it. Arrgghh! It's so difficult. I wish it could just be...ya know, not hard. haha.
I remember studying Titus in Bible study. I just hit the wall. I could not delve in. A little while later, on my own I was able to, and it became one of my favorite books, but you know...all that stuff about leadership....not using your freedom as an opportunity to make other people stumble...walking the line. it's so hard!!!
*sigh*
If you ask me what has brought this up, I don't have a specific answer. Maybe it's just all the stuff Ryan and I have been talking about God. Maybe it is bringing me face to face with Him. Maybe He is getting ready to say Okay! You had your nine month sabbatical, but it's over! It's time to heal and move on. It's time to be a leader again. I don't mean, neccessarily in any kind of formal arena, I just mean, personally. My life. When you hear that call, you know, you just have to live by it. It's not some big thing like...getting called to Africa to teach the gospel to pygmies....it's just this way that you live your life. Everyday. Whether you like it or not. Constant Integrity.
Originally this post was going to be about something else. It was going to be about how God is working out my job situation, or at least my temporary job situation. and how at work today I just realized that depsite myself, He is making a way before me, and how I just wanted to sing this Nicole Nordeman (whom I love) song at the tops of my lungs; "Thank You Jesus, even when you see us, just as we are...!"
Of course, these topics still go together. I am stepping out, and, for the most part, leaving my comfort zone. I am going to a new city, a new job, a new church, and all of this at a time in my life when I had started to give up. At least, I am pretty sure that I had.
And God is blessing me. I mean, everything isn't going exactly the way I wanted, but I can clearly see His hand. Trust me, I have been seasons without it, and I know what it looks like.
I must be going in the right direction, because that direction happens to be the most stretching, but ultimately, also the most fulfilling. Currently, I don't know about fulfilling. lol. We might be a ways from that, but I guess there's hope! I still doubt Him. It's this terrible habit I got into awhile ago. Not doubting who He is, but doubting what He wants to do in me, through me, even for me. I prayed that He would woo me back... that it wouldn't be by anything I could do, but that I would just know that he loved me for who I am, and not what a great bible teacher I can be, or whatever.
And you know what? It feels like he IS doing that. Even in my disbelieving state, little cracks are starting to shine through.
Anyway, that familiar wrenching in my gut tells me that we are about to embark on another wild ride. So...here's for bracing myself.
....It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measure, but you know better
So thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say, but I'm not ashamed to need you
More each day
We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to..."
~Nichole Nordeman (Even Then/Woven & Spun)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
September 11th
I told Joe that I was going to post something uplifting after the last entry, but.....Oh well. hehe. :p
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Last night I was up way too late (as usual), and when I crawled into bed (with the tv on) there was this program about the collapse of the world trade center. Actually, two programs back to back....I'm not telling what time they went over. ;)
One of the things that was lost when Diary-X when down (because like most of my friends I never backed up those entries) were my entries from that week in September 2001.
I was in Montana actually, and it was my staff orientation week. Erin and I had just gone down to the dining hall for staff meeting, and we were some of the first people there. One of the other people told us that a plane had flown into one of the towers. Of course, we just kind of stared at them in shock. The rest of the staff showed up, and by the time the last straggler had come in, the second plane had flown into the south tower.
Instead of having our usual meeting, we prayed collectively for about ten minutes, and then everyone went home...or wherever there was a tv.
Because Erin and I had orientation, we were actually with a group of people that included three Canadians, a south african, and three americans. We went back to the apartment of the Canadian couple, and all of us watched the towers fall on live t.v.
I just remember it being so surreal, and that there was no sound coming from my fellow americans, just complete shock and disbelief. Somebody, I think the south african fellow, just kept saying "Oh my god, Oh my god..." and shaking his head. The Canadian folks were the most animated, and freaking out.
I'm actually glad I was where I was, with people I came to love so much. It was a shared experience for us.
After the fact of course, things got really crazy around the base. The following tuesday was the start date of our School of Biblical Studies, School of Worship, Discipleship Training School.... all of these averaging 35-50 students. The students were coming from all over the country, and world, and we had not only students, but also returning staff delayed all over the place. It was crazy on the phones, talking to people stranded in bus stations, because their flights were canceled, or holed up in some arena in Nova Scotia where people were being housed until they could get them home.
Of course, none of our difficulties were anything like those faced in Manhattan. Which for me, frankly, is impossible to imagine.
Over the course of the last five years I have seen a lot of programs on 9/11, and have heard people tell their stories, but for whatever reason, the program I watched last night impacted me the most that I have been since that day. I have even been to Manhattan island, and whether you are from there or not, there is this impossible gaping hole in the skyline, that you can't help but be aware of. I heard a couple of personal stories when I was in New York, and they were astounding. Even so, for some reason, last night I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tv.
There has been an anniversary every year, so I don't know why this one should bother me so much. It was just as real last year as this. Maybe it is just the constant reminder that someone IS still out to get us.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Cold Hard Truth (About me that is)
Ryan and I were having this thought provoking conversation today, and it giving me fuel for blogging. Thus, the following was inspired...(its a long one)
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
I am the oldest of four, though I do have an older step brother whom I have rarely seen. When I was a kid, I was Daddy's girl. I never had the relationship with my mom that I did with my dad...don't know why. My sister (the second oldest) and I were very well behaved kids, we were very well behaved teenagers too for the most part, except for those moments of hormonal teenage passion where my mom and I would scream at one another (which my dad would never put up with.. "You don't talk to your mother that way!") They both had a bit of old fashioned in the blood, and that's probably where I got it.
My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I have almost no memory of that, except for one time at night when we went in the car with my mom to collect him from jail. He had been thrown there after smearing a motorcycle while intoxicated. The rider, luckily, was unharmed.
My dad was always pretty open with us kids about his recovery, and when I was 12 I remember him showing us his little AA coins and whatnot. I think it deterred us from ever being drinkers.
Sometime late in elementary school things started to change around our household and were less peaceful, but it didn't really come out (or I didn't become as aware) until I started junior high. My Dad had lost a fairly decent job, and wasn't really very motivated to find a new one. When he did, it did not exactly pay all the bills. Mom started having to pick up the slack, and she was not happy about it. She had been working to help already, and doing most caretaking of us. My dad was a lazy soul. He would sit on the couch in front of the television and scream at us if we got in his way. He would holler at us to do the dishes and whatever, and he would never lift a finger around the house, whether he was working or not.
He always let my brother slack, and put the pressure on us girls to take care of things domestically. Since Mom was around less and less, we did more and more. I'm not really upset or sorry about that. We weren't slaves, we still got to play. We could seriously scrub a house I'm telling you! I am to this day however, really sensitive when I am at Mom's and my brother is sitting on the couch in front of the tv, barking orders. I just don't have any of it. I swore a long time ago that I would never be that kind of a wife who waits on her husband hand and foot, not because she loves him, but because he is too lazy to get off his ass and do anything for himself.
We had the same neighbors until I was 11. They moved right before we did, but the eldest daughter and my sister stayed close friends, and later in high school, they moved nearby again, and the two girls started meeting up in the mornings and taking the bus together.
My sister was two years behind me in school, so at this time she was in the fall of her senior year, 1995. My brother I think was going to alternative school, he wasn't around all the time, and my youngest sister Whitney was 6.
I happened to be moving to the east side of the state at the time, and I didn't live at home, but I was sick so I was hanging out on my moms couch when all the craziness broke loose.
I don't know where Whitney was. Mom came home with Chelle, which I thought was weird because it was a school day. They looked really serious, and asked me to come out to the car. They wouldn't tell me why, and at this point I was pretty sure someone had died.
My dad worked nights and was asleep in the other room.
Finally I relented and went to the car, and there the whole story came out.
Apparently my Dad had written some scandalous letters to my sisters 16 year old best friend. He slipped them in her pockets in the morning. The first time she didn't tell anyone, but this time she couldn't keep it to herself anymore, so she SHOWED the letter to my sister on the bus. My sister made it to her homeroom before she collapsed in a weeping mess. They had to carry her to the counseling center, where they then called my mom. From school my mom went and talked to the mother of my sisters friend, and everyone decided that the girls father would never find out, (and as far as I know he still never has) because he would shoot my dad. Not an exxageration.
I never read the letter (thank you merciful God) but it must have been extreme from what my mother told me.
As soon as this all happened we found out that my Dad had been making passes at the neighbor for 15 years. He also got frisky with the woman I used to babysit for, and she confided in my best friend, who held it in guilt and agony for three years before it all came out and she felt safe to reveal it.
The shit hit in the fan in all sorts of ways.
My dad and I had had our issues, as all kids and their parents do, but despite his shortcomings, we got along rather well. I could always ask him questions about books and religion...I was always allowed to make up my own mind about things, though he encouraged me to believe in something. Both of my parents wanted us all to go to college and drove it in unmercifully. So far it hasn't worked very well. I always thought things were ok though. I mean, I was 19 and my parents were still together, which was not to be said for many of my classmates. (Although we did know how to communicate the most through YELLING!)
I guess I was wrong.
There was always pornography in our house. I know, because the neighbor boy and I stumbled across it when I was about 6 and we were digging around in my parents room where we weren't supposed to be. I found it again when I was in junior high. I forget how or where. All I know is, it was hiding in our house. I instinctivley knew that it was something to be hidden, so I put it back wherever it was.
I have often wondered, how it made my mom feel to have my dad looking at pornography. I mean, after four kids you aren't the gorgeous bodied 20 year old you once were. You can tell yourself its no big deal, but deep down it has to undermine your sense of worth. You know, men always want women who are these young, thin creatures. That's just the way it is, and that's not who you are anymore. Your worth is in your looks.
Now the truth comes out that he has essentially been playing around throughout their entire marriage? Yeah, it was a blow.
I went home, was fine for a few hours, and then started freaking out at about 10p.m. At around 2:30 I ran into my roommates bedroom, who subsequently took me to bed with some tea and spent two hours trying to calm me down. Eventually I did settle. I never had an episode like that again. It's hard not to feel like everything you've ever been told has been a lie. You're mother has value, you who are an extension of her have value, women have value.
I've had a lot of time to analyze this, and my reactions to it. It was 11 years ago now.
It affected my relationships with men, a lot. God was really good to me though, and quickly brought me these amazing solid guy friends who helped me heal in a lot of ways. I wonder what its like for girls who don't have that?? I do still have occassional moments where I feel not good enough. I am not as good looking as I used to be, and once in awhile that is the thing that eats at me, but its gotten better.
My mom was always working very hard, and drumming it into us to work very hard, and this just solidified that. She felt betrayed, and she had been hanging onto the marriage for awhile, trying to keep it afloat. So essentially she had been taking care of us and herself alone anyway. There was no support. We were taught that, we needed to make a life for ourselves without the contributions of others.(At least thats how I took it) Fortunately (or unfortunately! ha!) I have never been very good at that. I have always ended up in seasons of letting people help me. I am a very poor solo entity. I just keep trying though. I have this mad need, this crazed desire to be able to do it all by myself. The fact that I keep failing is the perpetual thorn in my side.
We haven't been very good at letting men do things for us. One time, not so very long ago, I had a friend in town and a few of us went out to eat. He happened to sit next to me, and he pulled out my chair. I just stood there gaping like a buffoon. I did have a friend I used to hang out with all the time who would take me to movies, and open doors for me, and it was really good for me to let him, but that was awhile ago, and now if a guy tries to open a door for me, I have to make a conscious decision to step back and let him (if I even catch it in time). Close friends too, its different. For the most part, if I have been even moderately interested in someone, I have had even more of a need to protect myself, which means that waiting for someone to open the door for me is weak. I do fight this mentality, but I have been single for eons, and I am used to doing things for myself, so part of it is simply habit.
I'm not as messed up over it as I used to be, but I am afraid that in the future I will learn some way it has affected me that I did not know about until I got into a serious relationship.
Every girl has her story. Sadly, most are worse than mine. Some lucky ones are better, but they all mold us, and we have to work hard to let our guards down. Even now I am asking myself...Should I be letting my guard down as much as I am? Pain and heartache could be just around the corner, but so it goes. As Lance would say; "Just live life Amanda, just live."
Yay for Accomplishment!
I've done it! I have actually packed things!!
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
You know how in the middle of packing, even though you've actually gotten stuff done, you are still sitting in a pile of boxes and stuff and it just feels like a huge mess?! That is exactly where I am! At least I am in the middle though instead of still back at the beginning.
I just got the most wonderful, supportive email from Erin Rose, which I just really needed to hear at that moment. It was nice. There is definitely a time for ass kicking, but there is a time for positive reinforcement and/or support as well! I like friends with backbones who can say hard things to me when I need to hear them. I really do. I value that. These have to be relationships that are tempered with love however. I know I am way too sensitive, but I have a really hard time recieving those same admonishments from people who I don't have a solid relationship with. My really close friends, they get to speak into my life, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
In the past, I have let myself get way to bogged down with what everyone was saying, and at some point you realize that you are giving too many people, too much authority in your life. They shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you feel about yourself. Most of them even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't always mean its good for you.
My good friends who love me, who are invested in this whole two way friendship thing, they get to kick my ass, because they already love me, and I already trust them, and they know me, so they usually know if I am being completely lame. haha.
I am a bit touchy sometimes though, I confess.
I try not to be, but it's one of those things I am still dealing with. Work in progress and all that jazz. =)
I've had some not so light times in my life. I have believed some not great things about myself, and I've been feeling a lot better for awhile now, and I am trying to work against my raging insecurities and make a better life for myself, so I guess I just find it insensitive when old friends seem to be knocking that. Perhaps I overreacted to the things my friend said yesterday. Grr. I am not over it, but I suppose I'll have to think it over.
Well, that's about all I have for now. My eyes are seriously drooping, so I think it's time to have a heart to heart with my pillow. =)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Frustration
I told myself not to blog right now, but here I am anyway. I am not at my most UNemotional right now. Not that I am crazy bouncing off the walls or anything either, but I do have a lot going on. It is possible that I am not then, being my most rational self, but I decided that I really don't care.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Screw being my most rational self.
I did make this decision that this was my blog and that I would write whatever I want to in it, regardless of what anyone else thinks of THAT. So there. hehe.
Anyway, I am getting ready to move, change jobs, blah blah blah. I do feel like this is the right decision and I am looking forward to it, however it is also a little bit stressful and I sometimes have my doubts.
When my friends play upon my doubts, it is not so helpful...especially depending on who said friends are. I feel like saying; YES, in case you hadn't noticed, I DO know that I am a complete failure and I DON'T need you to rub it in!!! Thank you so much for being my friend all that time, but having moved on to a state of higher being now where you cannot possibly relate. All I can keep doing is the best that I can do!!! That does not always make sense to the people around me, but there it is. I have to live in my skin, they do not.
Noone else is going to take care of me! I must take care of myself! So, I have to look at my options and tell myself that whether or not this makes sense to everyone else, I know I have to do it.
Yay for you that you are all stable and nestled down into your nice safe marriage, community, whatever it is, but I currently am not. It's as good a time as any!! Plus, no matter what everyone else thinks, it is the best option I have right now and I am TAKING IT!! =P
*sigh* Sorry if I sound a little bit like a petulant five year old. It's just so IRRITATING when you only talk to people once in six months and they question you in such a way. Arrgg.
Anyway, I am off to do some packing. It simply must be done.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I am the blogging Queen
Okay, not reeeaallly. I mean, some people do blog more than me. Joe, for example, always diligently blogging his book reviews, definitely outdoes me. Still, I *do* blog more than my other friends (put together actually) and I cannot let them attempt to outdo me. So take that! Not that I really take this threat seriously (because I don't), but I am blogging anyway just because I can. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Work today seemed to drag on forever. I have been feeling that way a lot more of late, and I can't decide if that is because I am moving and getting antsy to be gone (which I really don't feel any other time), or because I just have no patience with my job at the moment (the more probable explanation!) hehe. A friend of mine at work moved recently, so today she gave me a bunch of boxes. Basically that just means that I have to start really packing today. I've kind of been putting it off. I'm glad though. I feel ready to get it done now. More motivated. My family (well, except for my brother) are actually camping until tomorrow, which is also nice since its quiet and I can pack without being interrupted...asked to do any of a multitude of things.
I spoke to another dental office today, which really doesn't mean anything except that they now have my resume and are looking at it, but I am crossing my fingers anyway. Though I love Starbucks, I am definitely not a lifer. =P
Monday, August 14, 2006
Seattle (and Flea!)
I just got home from Seattle a little over an hour ago, and I am pretty darn tired. I did a decent amount of driving today.
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
I drove over on Friday morning...scratch that, Friday early afternoon. Getting out of town was like a nightmare, there was so much to do. After swearing I wouldn't drive downtown at all, (fraidy cat!) I actually drove close to downtown when I went to meet Ryan near Safeco (although since there was no traffic I'm not sure it counts) and today I actually drove through downtown to go have lunch with Jeni, and managed not to take out any of a multitude of pedestrians. haha. Go me!!
Ryan and I went to Endfest at White River Ampitheatre on Saturday. It was a long day, but it was actually really fun. I confess I had my doubts about any band that names itself "Wolfmother" but those guys were very Led Zeppelinesque and I rather liked them. =) Neither one of us were completely excited about seeing the Chili Peppers, more dissappointed about NOT seeing Snow Patrol. The former actually ended up being very entertaining though, and just very very good. I think its fair to say we were both pleasantly surprised. Good times.
I was so tired going back to Melanie's that 405 seemed to stretch on forever. I was certain that I hadn't driven that far on my way to Seattle. ha! I did get there though, somewhere between 2:30 and 2:45 in the morning, and boy did I sleep good after that. =)
Today I drove down to Federal Way so that I could find the house on my own, before I went back up to Seattle and had lunch with Jeni, which was a last minute development. Now I have a little better idea where the heck I'm going!
In the bad news....my new theory is that I have a caffeine allergy, or at least something along those lines. I'm not sure why I've never considered this before. I've been feeling worse and worse lately, which just happens to coincide with my drinking obscene amounts of coffee (I do work at Starbucks, after all). In the past, even if I wasn't drinking a lot of coffee, or soda, I *always* drink tea. In fact, I have been noticing for awhile, just been in denial, that black tea can set it off all by itself. I'm not really thrilled about the prospect of giving up coffee, and I am even less excited about not being able to drink caffeinated tea. I hate that herbal crap, but I will try to drink decaffeinated iced tea, which hopefully won't taste that horribly bad. =P Sadness.
Well, that's all the news for now. I have a date with my pillow in about five minutes since I have to work at 4:30 in the morning. Tomorrow begins the joy of packing. (Hold me back!!)
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