God Is In the Details...(for Lara)

This blog is a small story about my very random life, how people intersect, and kindred spirits.

Last night I got an email from Kenny. Kenny is four years younger than me, and grew up with my brother. I babysat him a couple of times when I was a teenager and he and his younger sister weren't quite there. Kenny and my brother have been beer drinking hooligans together since forever(remind me to tell random head injury stories later).
A few years ago (three or four?) Kenny got saved. I hadn't spoken to him in awhile. He was, after all, a hooligan, and I was too busy studying the bible to associate with hooligans. :p kenny called me up and asked me about a bible study, because he really wanted to get involved in one, so I took him to mine. It was kind of cool. Kenny, like us, also lost his sister in a car accident.
Kenny is now married and lives in Montana, and I don't get to see or talk to him as much as I would like, but he is still 'little brother' and that is nice.

In 2001 I went to Montana to work with Youth With A Mission. Three months into my time there I got a lovely roommate named Erin, 19, from Recluse (Gilette) Wyoming. Five months prior to my relocation to Montana, my sister had passed away. I was ok, but a bit messy. I cried...a lot. Erin was...amazing. She was like a very understanding younger sister, with tons of grace, who shared my love for all things tea, coffee, and books. We spent many Saturday mornings together eating biscotti, or roaming book stores. Over the course of our time together, I got to talk to Erin's mother, Anita, over the phone several times. She is a kick, who shares our love of tea and literature, made us candles that smelled of bergamot, and sent more biscotti for our consumption. =)

Last night I read Lara's blog. I am always venting on my own blog...I don't comment a lot on other peoples. Firstly, I don't want to sound trite. There are other reasons, but I don't like to pretend to give advice to people who's ins and outs I really don't know. To me, that reeks with the stench of ingenuiness.
Lara and I have been reading each others blogs for a little while now however. She has commented on several of mine, words that have lent to my understanding of her and her situation. When I read her blog yesterday I wanted to respond, but it was late, and I was already looking at 4 1/2 hours of sleep before I had to get up for work. I didn't want it to be rushed, so I decided to wait till today.
Also last night, I got an email from Kenny, which he sent out to everyone, letting us know that he was going to have a phone interview today with a coal company based out of: Gilette, Wyoming. I emailed him back to ponder the freakish chances that might send him to the one horse town of my former roommate's family.

This morning I got a message from Kenny, asking me for information on my friend. When I got home from work I called Anita. We hadn't spoken in three years. Erin is currently somewhere in Australia. She was very glad to hear from me, and said that they had often talked about me and wondered what I was up to. I told her that I had often wondered about her and her bergamot candles. :p
After covering the topic of my call, which was Kenny, and his finding a place to stay during his summer job (he did get it!) in Gilette, we proceeded to talk for TWO HOURS!!! We had this really long conversation about God, emotions, circumstances, and a variety of similarities in our lives that led me back to Lara.

The thing is, we are all different, but some of us are similar to each other. We all feel things, but some people bear the burden of feeling things a little too deeply. Other people have their own similarities. I commiserated over my own similarities with Anita, and wondered if Lara's might not be the same. I am not whining, or complaining. I would not choose to be anyone other than myself, despite how hard I feel it is to be me. (;P) Okay, well, there are definitely days that I would rather be some kind of heroic business woman who is totally organized and not waylaid by emotion, but generally..... =)
I am used to this skin, and would rather keep it than trade it for the great unknown.
One thing is very important however;
run in's with the tribe of Joseph.

Did I snag any Anne of Green Gables fans just then? In a couple of her books L.M. Montgomery uses the phrase to mean, essentially, "kindred spirits." "They are of the tribe of Joseph," she would say.
Once in awhile you need to find somebody, who just gets it. Not someone who tries to comfort you, or someone who is super kind to you, or someone who will be there to distract you, but someone who is with you; Who can be there, right in the pain without cringing and turning away. It's hard to listen to people talk about their pain sometimes. It is harder to sit there, and let them be in it. We have a natural tendency to want to "fix," and also to avoid discomfort. Unfortunately, pain too must run it's course. How amazing it is, to sit there and hurt, and not be alone in your pain. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes a heck of a lot to me.
That's what I was thinking last night when I read Lara's blog. That, you know, I didn't have any wise words of comfort. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't make it go away faster. I wasn't going to attempt to distract her. I was going to let her be in pain. Still read her blog, still sit there and feel the words that she is saying, and not have to go somewhere else. Just be there with her, in it. In spirit anyway, since we live far apart and are connected only by this bloggy blog world.

Anita reminded me of this. She encouraged me that I am not alone in the way I feel. She said; there are other people like us. Some people might not get it, but some people out there, some people get it. That makes me feel....better somehow. Connected. Like there is a purpose...a greater plan if you will.

All of this to say, that God is in the details. Anita informed me that a big snow storm is going on in Wyoming, and that if not for that, I would never have caught her at home. So he caused me to meet and love Erin, and in turn her mother, so that four years down the road, Kenny would have a connection, and possibly a place to stay, and new friends, by my making a phone call that would remind me I am not the only one who feels the way I do, cause me to make a connection myself, and give me something even better to share with Lara.
Kenny says that very random and coincidental things seem to happen in my life, and I agree. It reminds me that God is up there, hasn't forgotten about me, and sometimes does extraordinary things, just so that we can have an encouraging message.
If all of my lives circumstances, brought me to that phone call...what other things must be lurking just around the corner? What greater purposes must there be??

Yay for God being big! And Yay for Lara, and me, and Anita, and whoever else can relate to being in pain a little too often.

Blog Interviewy Madness

Lara participated in a blog interview...apparently it is going around from one blogger to another, and I am more than happy to participate, especially since I admire the interviewer. I agreed to let her ask me five questions.
**Once upon a time I remembered how to do cool things like link people in the actual body of my blog, but I grew lazy for awhile and stopped caring, and now I really forget. haha. But hey, Lara's blog is handily linked on the side, and if you go there, you can read tons of Lara-ey goodness.**

1. Why did you start blogging?
And the answer is....I'm nooot exactly sure. ha! I have been an avid journaler, letter writer, writing junkie since high school. I have multitudes of hand written journals, but over the years they have evolved into something best described as prayer diaries. They contain not only my prayers, but random, lame, running commentary to the high and mighty. A few years ago at the behest of Joe(see also bloggy linking goodness on my sidebar), and Steffi, who I knew from a message board, I started up with diary-x, and was there part of a nice little community for a few years, and when that began to taper down, I followed Joe again into the world of BLOG. I guess I just have to write random personal information or I will go insane. It oozes out uncontrollable.
(**side note: I am horrible about backing up my online 'journals' and therefore lost four years worth of writing when diary-x crashed. I am still crying.**

2. What was your best birthday ever?
I thought long and hard about this. It's tough, because I had some fabulous overnighters as a teenager. I have also had some great times as an adult. I am probably even forgetting some, but hmm.. I have decided that I am going to have to go with my 25th birthday. It was somewhat low key. The family I lived with at the time had a barbecue for me, and several close friends and family members were there...a hard group to get together for some reason. It was a rough year, as this was five months after we lost my sister, which maybe made it more awesome to have those dear folks all in one place. Chill, casual goodness.

3. If you died today, what would you most wish you had done before dying?
If I were going home to meet Jesus, a lot of things that are now quite important suddenly wouldn't be. The first thing that came into my mind still sticks. It isn't something I would 'do' per se, but rather something I would witness. If I knew I were going to die, the one thing at the forefront of my thoughts, that I would pray like crazy to see before I went, would be to see my friend Jason get saved, and, well, come into an awesome relationship with God, and be relatively happy. Genuinely.
I am sure there are other things I would want to see and do, but that is the big one that sticks out right now. It might sound lame to some of you, but it is very NOT lame to me.

4. Do you hate anyone now living? If so, what makes you hate that person?
Honestly, no. I have a hard time envisioning myself ever hating anyone. Hate is a very strong word. People irritate me all the time, make me mad, make me want to take their cell phone and smash it into a thousand tiny pieces in the drive-thru, for all to see (yes, that's for you today's drive-thru, ignorey, please-get-my-order-right-even-though-I-can't-be-bothered-to-listen-to-you-read-it-back, lady!)
No, seriously though, people can be awful, but I am not them, and I feel like I have at least a small amount of grace and mercy for everyone. I hope I never lose that. There are people I am still working out forgiving for different things, and I don't particulary want to talk to some of them, but that is not the same as Hate. I try to never be unkind, even if I have my own issues.

5. What would be the greatest gift someone could give you?
*sigh*
I really want to say unconditional love. Totally unconditional love, can you imagine it? Frankly, I cannot, but then, I think there are a lot of people who love me more than I can recognize already, so unfortunately I am going to have to go with the shallow answer and say; Lots and lots of money. :p
Okay, actually it doesn't have to exactly be money. Provision/Stability is what I am going for. I have too many emotional issues that are just compounded by stressing over the rent or whatever else. I wish that I could be able to do everything so awesomely, but unfortunately I suck, and someone who could make me feel....essentially I guess "taken care of" would do more than they could know.
Of course, I would feel guilty accepting any kind of charity, so this would pretty much have to be a spouse. lol.
Oh my gosh, how pathetic does that answer make me?!?! I know, I know, I am trapped somewhere back in time...but there it is. I suck at being alone.

The End.

So there you have it, my interview by Lara. If anyone else out there has not participated in the great bloggy interview goodness, and is feeling so inclined, give me a holler and I will be more than happy to write my five questions for you.
=)

There Are Days...

So often my post titles have to do with whatever song I am listening to at that moment....maybe that says something about my lack of creativity, I don't know.
I was trying to take a break from the slow mellowness of Shawn McDonald, so I put in a Rascal Flatts cd, only slightly more upbeat. haha. I am just not in the mood for anything more cheerful.

I am having a bad day. Maybe not bad on the scale of badness from two years ago, but pretty damn bad. Fucked up even. Which reminds me, there will probably be a lot more swearing in this post, so if that offends you, you should just tune out now.

I really, really, don't like myself sometimes. I am going to be 31 years old...very, very soon. I am just like a big dumb kid who has to learn the same lessons over and over.
For example, if I had....ANY savings, brought on by some sort of financial responsibility, or ability to look into the future and not see a fairy tale, then I could have some back up for paying my rent, or breaking my lease. I can't afford to break my lease....but in the long run, I don't know if I am going to be able to pay my rent. Well, I mean, I could give up eating altogether. lol. I 've thought about it. haha.
I am just a big, stupid girl who is wretched at taking care of herself, and you would seriously think I would have realized by now that noooone else is going to do it!!
Rawr!
Actually, I could be in a much worse mood. I am actually pissed that I feel at all well. I mean, it is just going to go on and on, with me waking up every morning feeling sick. That sinking feeling in your stomache you know?
I actually looked a little for a second job, although that makes me nervous, but what can you do?
I have worked two jobs lots of times in the past, I have just gotten more and more prone over the years to getting overwhelmed and going through some sort of emotional meltdown. I try to pace myself.

Add to all this being homesick. Okay, maybe not exactly for Spokane, which I still detest in so many ways. Maybe just for certain people, or certain places. Cute cousins, and grandparents who won't be with us forever.

I think I might be broken. I have wondered about this for a long time. I mean, I look around me at all these fabulous woman, and they are totally doing it. You know, they are nice, and they work, and they are motivated, and they are paying for lots more stuff than me....and I just don't know how they do it, and I hate that about me. I hate it.
They aren't even christians half the time! Isnt't that supposed to make it easier for me somehow...you know, God's grace for getting by and all that stuff?
I want to be strong, and do everything for myself.
I mean, you know, if one is going to be alone it would be somewhat helpful to be able to do things. heh.
I think I might never get married.
Who wants this broken piece of baggage?!?! I certainly don't expect anyone else to want to deal with my issues.

One time my really good friend James said to me; Amanda, I think that once you find someone that you really care about, a bunch of this stuff that ails you will just fall away.
You know what I want to say to James right now?!?!
"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!"
So there.
That was like...psh. seven years ago? I dunno. Something.
Forgive me for being bitter. I usually hold in even my desire for relationships, as it makes me feel so much less pathetic. However, secretly I have been wanting to get married...Oh....SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER! :p haha.

The other night I went out with some girls from work, and on our way home one of them was saying to me how they had had a conversation about me, and decided that I just needed to "put myself out there!" lol. Well, isn't that a nice and reasonable thought. How does one do that exactly?
I used to meet tons of great single guys through church...I even kind of liked one or two. Of course, I always like the ones who don't give a snit for me. Oh well.
When you are younger you just know more people...from school or whatever, and you probably get out more...ya know? So it was never hard to meet people, and I am miss social butterfly, so that made it even easier.
I never anticipated this being an issue.
Plus, I am just not on the prowl. I hate that. I just don't want to be out there looking around for Mr. Right. I would rather crash into him unexpectedly, however lame that might sound. Anyway....life has certainly not turned out the way I thought.
It has been one dissappointment after another to be honest, and I am sick of that crap.
*sigh*
Whaddya gonna do? :p
Stoopid life! (yes, I know stupid is spelled wrong, but it amuses me to spell it that way, and besides, it's the way I am saying it at the moment; stoooooopid.)

*sigh*
I miss worship. I can't ask for any Sundays off though. Everyone at my job can't work on Sundays. Leeetle baaastards.

So, I am just going to sit here in my relatively unfurnished apartment, and pout to myself. Not that pouting accomplishes anything, but no matter what I do it is going to be something hard. Everything in my life is always hard. There is no easy way. There are only hard ways. So, I am going to pout. :p take that!

I really don't have anything deep or intelligent to say today. This is my life. Things affect me too much. I am always getting waylaid by something. My heart is always getting broken (usually over lame things that shouldn't be heartbreak worthy). It kinda bites.
That's pretty much all I have to share.

Soundtrack of My Life...

Yes Lara, I am posting this just for you. By the way, I can't believe you have all those songs I love in your collection...especially the Bette Midler one. Oh, I love it!
Okay, so some of these are lame, but here you go.
You know the drill...plug in your ipod, mp3 player or whatever and hit shuffle....no cheating. Whatever song comes up first is #1 and so on and so forth.

Soundtrack of my life....

1. Opening Credits:
'It Takes A Little Time'- Amy Grant
(Hmm...off to an interesting start)

2. Waking Up:
'Buffy the Vampire Slayer[theme]' - Nerf Herder
(This made me laugh out loud...can't you just imagine your radio alarm going off with that song playing?! hahaha)

3. First Day of School:
'There's No Other Way' - Blur
"You're taking the fun out of everything, making me run when I don't want to think"
(Seems like it could be appropriate)

4. Falling in Love:
'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'....
(Uhh.....err.....)

5. Fight Song:
'Breakaway' - Kelly Clarkson
(Sure, ok.)

6.Breaking Up:
'Speechless' - Steven Curtis Chapman
"I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed..."
(If we stick with just those lyrics we are good, lol, or else, this one makes no sense....unless breaking up is some kind of divine and wonderful experience for me. lol!)

7. Prom:
'Ballad for Dead Friends' - Dashboard Prophets
"I really wish I could have saved you, but then who would have saved me from myself?"
(Ahhh....teen angst at its finest!)

8. Life:
'She Will Be Loved' - Maroon 5
"look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile..."
(Yeah. Enough said I think)

9. Making Babies:
'Playing With Fire' - Emery
"Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes?"
(Aww! sad! lol! Nooooo!)

10. Mental Breakdown:
'Going Through the Motions' - Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Once More With Feeling
"Every single night the same arrangment, I go out and fight the fight.. still I always feel this same estrangement, nothing here is real, nothing here is right..."
(hehehehehehe)

11. Driving:
'Dixie Chicken' - Garth Brooks
(Sure, why not.)

12. Flashback:
'The Woman In Me' - Shania Twain
(Believe it or not, it is a flashback song in real life. heh. A friend made me listen to this cd in the car once, over and over. It always reminds me of them.)

13. Getting Back Together:
'What I Really Want to Say' - Steven Curtis Chapman
"What I really want to say; is what the sun would say to the sky, for giving it a place to come alive...."
(Seriously, I did not plan this on purpose. In fact, I think it should be against the rules to use the same artist twice in one silly soundtrack of one's life.)

14. Wedding:
'Brave' - Nichole Nordemon
(Should I be worried here? I need to be brave to marry whoever I am marrying? That doesn't worry me. No, not at all.)

15. Birth of a Child:
'Something's Broken' - Tim McGraw
(You know, that's really not even amusing)

16. Final Battle:
'Reunion' - The Indigo Girls
"I have no need for anger with intimate strangers and, I've got nothing to hide.."
(Soo...if this is a battle, shouldn't I be angry or something? hmm.)

17. Death Scene:
'If I Stand' - Rich Mullins
"if I stand let me stand on the promise, that You will pull me through...and if I can let me fall on the grace, that first brought me to You..."
(I love this song. I guess if I am dead there is no standing...but it is still an okay death scene song for me. Nice way to go out. :p)

18. Funeral Song:
'Bullet The Blue Sky' - U2
"In the howling wind, comes a stinging rain.. see it driving nails into souls on the tree of pain"
(Depressing...and somehow strangely appropriate...not only because it's depressing, but because, after all, it is U2, my favorite band in the whole wide world.)

19. End Credits:
'Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again' - Phantom of the Opera/Movie Soundtrack
(Again, I swear I didn't do it on purpose...but does a nice musical number like this really fit in with the rest of my soundtrack? lol. I don't really think so, but anyway, there you go.)

So there is it, the very silly soundtrack of my life. Not nearly as amusing as I thought it would be.
And now, rather than write more, I must take me sleepy self to bed. I haven't been feeling all that stellar the last couple of days. The muscle relaxers are apparently starting to disagree with my stomache or something.
God bless you one and all.
Goodnight.

Sometimes CSI makes me shiver!

I was getting ready to make a little note about how I just saw the most BLATANT plug for Duracell batteries on CSI New York....did anyone else see that? I swear, they kept the camera on the batteries for like...five whole seconds! You couldn't miss it...totally over the top!
So I was unpleasantly surprised at having to notice said advertisement, when suddenly the corpses mouth started to move and I found myself pleading; "Please don't let that be a cockroach." Oh yeah...it so was. A blood covered cockroach emerges from dead guy's mouth. Oh my disgusting.
I already hate the little buggers without them coming out of dead guys mouths on tv. Ohhh yucky. Blech!
Very exciting entry I know. You are all excited to hear about cockroaches. Apparently it was a jewel encrusted bug, and other people wear them as broaches. That is just too horrid for me to think about.
I am going to try to block it out now.
*****blocking*****

Moving right along...
Today was my day off, so I just lounged around and did nothing...it makes for very exciting blog commentary.
I still haven't finalized any decisions. Everytime I think about it I want to hurl. So..today I decided to try and not think about it. It wasn't such an effective plan, but I at least made an effort. :p
I watched the Age of Innocence, because, frankly, I think Daniel Day-Lewis is a fine piece of man meat, and I hadn't seen it in so long I barely remembered it. That seemed like a good reason. Of course, it ended up not being enough reason, because it is sort of sad and pathetic. It made me think; Awwww! Can years go by and then people still love each other? Even though they haven't thought about each other except in passing? Okay...well, I really don't need to go there.
It's allllll about the letting go of the past. Allllll about letting go.
*breath in* *breath out* *breath in* breath out*
:p
Well, it's nearly 11 and this girl has to get up for work at 3:30 in the morning. So....caio for now.
=)

Corpus Christi

So.
I might be moving...
Yes, to Texas.

It's not for sure yet. I'm going to be talking to a couple of people in the next few days, and hopefully get it figured out.
This is one of those decisions I was talking about before.
I talked to my mom today, just to give her a heads up that it was a possibility. I don't know what I expected. She was surprisingly great though.
I was surprisingly sad.
Texas is a long long way from home. No random trips to Spokane.
If I go there, it will be a long time before I make it home again...and yes, I consider the holidays to be a long time. :p

I don't really want to go into too many details, since I don't know for sure. What matters it that in the next few days, I have to make a decision about leaving lovely, rainy, western Washington. On the bright side, I would be living with my best friend, also a big fan of lovely, rainy, western Washington, and we'll both get back someday. hehe.

I managed to eek through an eight hour work day today. Woo! Victory! Muscle relaxers are your friend. Well, they are my friend anyway. I was so tired when I got home though...I crashed into a blissful two hour nap. I feel like my whole day was wasted, but at least I managed to make some money.
Now I am in a weird mood though...probably just because of everything.
Stress is oozing in at the edges of my psychae.

I suppose that's all I have to say today.

I Met Jesus in a Bar

It's the name of a country song, in case you are feeling baffled.
One of the things I love about country music, is that you can talk about Jesus as much as you want, and nobody labels you as a "christian" artist. In country music, you are all just country music, it isn't split up into all these little sub categories to judge one another by.

So, I would have posted sooner, but I was having some problems with my internet connection, and my computer, which didn't want to recognize the connection or some such nonsense. I will not bother you with an explanation.

I had actually written this really long post when it initially went out, and for some reason I couldn't paste my entry into a word document or anything....I was pissed. In any case, a lot of what I am feeling is just a rehash of things I have mentioned before. I've been thinking a lot about old friends, and the ways I used to judge them, and how very long it took me to learn my lesson.
Have you ever seen that t-shirt that says; "You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl" ?? I love that shirt. haha! I used to crack jokes about it, although secretly, it is my shirt. lol.
I miss the things we did when I was a kid. The girls I grew up near, their parents were friends with mine, and we did everything together. Both sets of us had grandparents on one side who lived out in the country. We would go horsebackriding, and play outside. We went to rodeo's in these tiny Washington towns. We lived on the edge of town. We walked down to the creek and jumped in on summer days.
I am so country. haha!
It took me awhile to figure that out.

I like cities too, but it's not the same. There's nowhere to drive to clear my head. Unfortunately, people are what really make a place, and when people leave, it's just not the same. I want my friends near me, and I selfishly want to go through them all, and take out the ones I want the most, and place them all in locations very near to mine.

I know that my thoughts probably seem all cluttered and all over the place at the moment, and if what I write is hard to understand, I apologize. There are certain things I am not completely sure I want to be honest about in a blog, and there are decisions I need to make, and so much going on in my heart....Ugh. I am relatively at peace for all of this, but soon I am going to start freaking out!!
Since my blog has been consumed with the more emotional aspects of my life lately, I have neglected to talk about my physical state of being.
My back is a mess.
In fact, I can no longer work an eight hour day. I had to give up several hours this week because I am in constant pain. When I am at home, sitting, resting, it's much much better, and enables me to sit here and write and think about other things. When I am at work, and on my feet for hours, it is all consuming. I have to work really hard not only to tolerate the pain, but also to be nice....to everyone. :p
I got a referral to a physical therapist that is a lumbar specialist, but looking at my insurance, and how often I am going to have to go...I am worried about making all the bills. Also, I don't know how long it's going to take him to get me out of pain, and in the meantime, I am working less hours to pay more bills. I also have a prescription for muscle relaxers, which I don't take at home, just at work when I have to have them, but they work for a very limited period of time, and I don't want to ask my doctor for a stronger one. I need to be able to work, not sleep through it! ha!
Taking on a roommate would solve all of my money problems, but there are complications to that as well. So, I am not sure what I am going to do. I have to decide soon, but I really don't want to. I really want my friend from home to show up on my doorstep and say; Hey! Here I am to live with you and pay half your rent! Wee! ..wouldn't that be nice?
Unfortunately it looks doubtful. Said friend probably needs a month to decide what she is going to do, and I don't have even close to that long.

In essence, I could use the prayers of any of you that do that. ;)

The living, working, hurting, situation does actually distract my brain from the emotional issues for small periods of time, so that is at least a blessing in disguise. heh.
I would like to find my decision suddenly made for me, in some great and beneficial way. Doubt that that is going to happen though! haha!

Okay, so back to the title of this blog, and country music.
I was wandering around the house talking on my phone last night, to my friend Shawn, and saying to her how nice it is to talk to people who not only know you, but knew you when. You know, people who you grew up around, and who know things about you that you have grown up trying to forget??? haha!!!
I have totally left most of these people behind, and now I find that really really sad. This has been a year, a season, of rediscovery for me. I might have big issues right now, but in some ways I am better adjusted than I have been in a long time. It's weird huh? :p
So this guy is singing about how he met Jesus in a bar, and I guess you can't fall too far, and I wonder how people ever got the idea that Jesus wouldn't be in a bar anyway? I mean, he sought out those kind of people, drowning their sorrows. He had something especially for them.
It makes me think of some people I know.
So last night I was online, and listening to this Todd Agnew song called 'Grace Like Rain,' and I was just singing outloud, and feeling really uplifted, and right then I would have loved a great worship service. I was thinking about how I feel when I am in the middle of a great worship service. I was thinking about how my friend could probably really use that right now, and that I wish he could experience that feeling, just for a moment, so that he could get some peace, and some rest.
It might not last forever, but it certainly helps. Knowing that I can experience that once in awhile, makes life a lot more livable.
So my friend online laughed and said; Why don't you email him the feeling?!
haha! I wish it were that simple. Wouldn't that be nice?!!
=P
So anyway....there is another little selection from the life and times of Amanda. Thanks for joining us, gentle reader. =)

Please, Kick Me.

I am one of them! I have crossed over! I am a lame well wisher!!!
GRRRRR!!!! I hate it when I am really hurting, or talking about my pain, and somebody who thinks they are my friend, decides to randomly relate to me, and try to encourage me. Okay, okay, you bloggers can be excluded ok. I mean, here we are, a nameless, faceless, society. You know, if you say something that I don't like, I can weigh it, and decide if the heart is in the right place, and then put it on the shelf ya know?? I might give a little "grrr" but I will get over it. Essentially this is what we do here right? We all kind of bitch about life, and then feel free to make comments about each others bitching?
I guess that when its people I know, or used to know, I just feel like my space is being invaded. Isn't that weird? I know, it so is.
It's just that...you people online...yeah, we might become friends, like Joe and Sandy and me for example...and you might have a real avenue to speak into my life, or you might grow on me, like Lara and Jill, but you aren't here. Judging me, trying to make me feel better. Wanting me to put on a happy face, so that you don't have to deal with my pain. That makes me crazy!
Okay, okay, not everyone wants that. Some people are very genuine, I just hate lame antecdotes.
So, tonight I emailed my friend, and I didn't give them any lame antecdotes. I just told them that I know about pain, the kind that rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding, and I like people who can just let me be there, and not try to fix it, and not expect me to say anything deep in return.
It sounds fine right? Something I would appreciate! The problem is, I haven't spoken to this person in years. So...is it going to be something they are going to appreciate?! I am now starting to be afraid not, and feeling like a lame commenter, trying to make my friend feel better, when I can't.
I hate that. If I was there...maybe I could just sit with my friend, and let them hurt, but still be there, or maybe I could help them out somehow, you know, by doing something practical for them when they wanted to lay on the floor in a heap...but I am not there. I am far far away....and maybe they wouldn't want me there anyway!!!! So I just pray, and hurt, and cry over my friend. I guess that is the best thing I can do after all, but I don't always like it.

So there you have it, my confession.

Deep Breaths

Okay, so I'm feeling a little better now.
I mean, aside from listening to sappy old country music, that I cannot seem to pull myself away from. haha.
I mean, I am not feeling entirely better....no, no. Just a little.
Today I have talked to some friends, and it has been really nice. A good day over all. In fact, earlier today I thought...Wow, I really feel so much better, but that has slowly faded away.
I can feel the prayers and the tears, just biding their time.

On the upside, I have been singing more this week than in a long time...for a variety of reasons I think. It feels nice though, and it is a way to let some emotion out.
I keep thinking that maybe I am just pmsing and that I will snap out of it any minute. ha! I think that is wishful thinking. Anyway, it keeps not happening!! Dammit!!!! :p You know, just when I finally want to blame my emotions on my hormones, they aren't acting up. lol! Figures!

I was looking for this journal of mine...grrr. I left some in my hope chest, which is at my mom's house in Spokane. I grabbed the most recent few. There are six or seven of them. Well, the one from 05 is missing. Apparently I left that one, and that happens to be the one I want, so I am really annoyed. I guess you would have to be me to understand this strange phenomenon.:p
Oh well I guess.

I do need to take a trip home soon. See a couple of friends, and my baby neice, whom I have not yet gotten to hold. I am the oldest of 12 grandchildren on my mom's side, and all of a sudden everyone started having babies!! My cousin Zack and his wife, had a little girl last year. She turned one in November, and at Christmas they announced that they were pregnant again. In the past year, my cousin Sarah, her brother Jacob's girlfriend, and my brother's girlfriend Kayla, have all had babies. Sarah had twins.
I am starting to feel old. lol.

Too many things are happening at once! :p That little cave is still looking good. hehe.

I want to write, and I want not to write. I honestly just don't even know what to say half the time. I don't know what my problem is. I mean, okay, lol, I know what *some* of my problems are! haha. I just don't know what my main problem is in this particular instance, and the theories I have are ones that I really do not like or want to face.
Obviously I am going to have to come to terms with that at some point though.

I could deal with the praying and the crying at night, if I could be a very happy and well adjusted girl during the day.
Rawr. Some *days* are better than others. So, I am going to cross my fingers for tomorrow's shift.
Unfortunately, I may have to find a church. I really, really don't want to, but I am bored, and must make friends. Not saying that because I am in a friend I will neccesarily make friends, but let's face it, I have too much time on my hands. Do I want to get involved in church culture again? No. am I ready to deal with that? Probably not.
I mean, I will love the worship portion, and things will be fine until people start telling me how to live my life. Ha! As if I am not one of the most hard core people I have ever known....or at least, hadn't spent most of the past decade of my life being...
And then I might have an episode where I tell some nice, well-meaning church person to kiss my ass, or at least to take a flying leap of some kind..:p
Ugh.

*sigh* Anyway....I need to set my clock forward, and get ready for bed, so that I can give the prayers an tears a sufficient amount of time to run their course before I deprive myself of too much sleep.
Thank you, Oh great blogging community, for listening to my Woes.

Take this heart....and just rip it right out of me

Okay, so here I am with my ongoing drama.

Actually, I am fine. Really. In my lovely, large apartment, all by myself, with food in my cupboards, I really have nothing to complain about.
So...why is it that ever since I have been home from Charlotte, I have been the living dead? I have been dragging myself through each and every work day. This was before my friends tracked me down and gave me more to be upset about.

Why is this happening? I have been doing pretty well here in Federal Way. The only thing I can think of, is that I am just lonely. In Charlotte I was with Shawn all the time. When I lived with Lance and Jeni, even though I was pretty solitary, I at least saw them from time to time. I guess it was more essential human contact than I realized.
I am really ok. I am going to get up, and go to work, and it is going to be fine. Just like any other day. I have come to realize, however, that my job is my life. So when I have a bad day at work...there is noone pleasant to come home to. My friends here are almost entirely co-workers. At least, the people I ever hang out with are coworkers. Which, isn't neccesarily bad, but I can never separate myself from work.

I have just been trying to distract myself this week. Stay busy, but it's been hard. Everyone else is so busy, noone is answering their phones. Today I took a nap, and went grocery shopping, and chatted with the girl scouts...good times. it wasn't a bad day, except for the gaping hole in my heart, which is at once explainable, and at the same time a complete and utter mystery to me.

Life...is long and difficult, and frankly, I really dislike it sometimes. :p I am sure that most of you can relate.
Right now I really want to dig myself a little hole, and hide in there, away from the whole world, and not have to deal with the way I am feeling, and not have to deal with hurting friends whom I cannot help.
Tonight I was praying, and remembering other prayer times, where there were a lot of tears. I wish that I felt the same spiritual connection, but alas, I do not entirely.
Again, I am praying for someone, for whom prayer used to always bring tears, and at times, I wish that I could not be praying for them, and that it was not my job. Selfish, I know. You don't only pray for the people who make you all happy happy joy joy inside. That's far too easy. No, real intercession is when you pray for the people who break your heart into tiny little bite size pieces. oh yeah. So thrilling to be me.

There is nowhere I can run, and nowhere I can hide from this, and I have to tell you, every crazy spontaneous idea I have ever had is crashing into my brain right now, looking for a way out....but it's inside of me, and you can't run from that.
I am having a seriously animated conversation with God in my head, if you want to know the truth. I told my friend that I wanted to just run out into the rain, and scream up at the sky; HERE IT IS!!!!! TAKE IT!!! JUST RIP IT RIGHT OUT!!! IT'S YOURS ANYWAY!!!! My heart that is. Alas, it stays put, and just keeps beating out it's agonizing rythm.

I decided that the things I thought were laid down a long time ago, maybe were not completely, and to face going there again...not pleasant in any way. In fact, I don't know that I have it in me to do it again at all.

Vent

It's that time again. Time for venting.

I want to vent about something that I am not sure I can find words for. I just feel frustration.
Yesterday I reconnected with some old friends.
They updated me on another friend, who I wrote about in December. His name is Jason.
I am tired of hearing that life is beating up my friends. I know it happens to all of us in some seasons, but lately.....rawr.
It makes me sad. It makes me feel despair. It makes me lack hope. Especially, you know, this is someone who I used to pray and pray for. Cry and cry over, and I just want them to be happy, and it grieves me to find out that they are not.

So anyway, moving on into todays conversations....it was a rehashing of old things between my friend and I. The relationship in its twisted form. Okay, maybe twisted is the wrong word. It was a good friendship. We were young, and probably too young to make it anything more serious, despite feelings on both sides. I was pretty open with my feelings towards him, but he hid his feeling for me for a long time.
Despite that, we had a great friendship. There were other issues though. Alcohol, and various other things.
They moved, I stayed.
I'm not sorry. I had gotten involved with my church, and was where I knew I needed to be. Because I went the direction I did, I have been overseas and had the opportunity to do a lot of things I might not otherwise have done.
Even so...
I have never had that kind of relationship ever again.
A couple friendships have come close, have been good, but without that romantic connection that makes someone "more" than your friend, you know?

I am 30. I was 18.
I imagined it happening long before now. The fact that it hasn't is alright....but what aggrevates me, is that we had something good, and it didn't have a chance. Years later I am thinking....What the hell?? I can't help being a little upset for myself.
Although I am upset for myself however, I am more upset for my friend, who deserves to have some happiness in life, and has worked hard at making his life better!!!! I want to pray and believe, like I used to believe, that God is going to change things, and make them better, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. I don't know what is going to happen for my friend. Grrrr.

I want to cry and yell at God, and do all those things I used to do that made me feel much better in the morning....!

That's all I can say right now.