Okay, if Ryan can do this so can I.....Talk about old loves that is.
What a freaking weird year. I seem to be tracking down a very random variety of people, but I can't help myself! It's like I am soup, and God is stirring the pot that is me, and all of the stuff that was on the bottom is now on the top...or something like that. So, all these old things that I haven't thought about in awhile, that were part of an old life I had, all of these things are starting to resurface, and I am faced with the fact that there are things in there I have never truly let go of.
At least, from the present state of my heart that must be the case.
I am somewhat afraid to post this, but such is life. I am going to do it anyway.
Once there was a guy named Jason, and he was my friend. This was a very long time ago. Jason was the last boy I kissed...a million years ago. I just don't go around kissing people you know, and I really haven't had a "boyfriend" since Jason. Although, technically, Jason was not my boyfriend either, but....let's just call it close enough.
We were really good friends, and I loved him. As much, or maybe more, than I have ever loved anyone. Because, well, I was comfortable with him...completely, and I felt safe with him, and he looked out for me, and because more than anything, we were fun together. There was a lof of joking, and laughing, and joy. Of course, regardless of those things, sometimes you just love somebody and there is no ryhme or reason at all.
Jason had his issues. He did things I did not approve of, and some of those things put his life in danger. I cried a lot of tears over Jason. At this time in my life I was really starting to have a deep relationship with God, and we had more than a few conversations about my friend.
There used to be four of us, that did everything together. We worked together, we went to concerts together, we drove around all night together, just because that is what we did. We went to Daniels and played Mortal Kombat at 4 in the morning...which, let me tell you, is the *only* video game in the world I have ever kicked a guy's ass at. I was always that girl who could grab you with her hair and slam you down on the floor!!! Remember that?? Totally old school! Jason and Daniel could never get out of it. I would just keep slamming their guy down on the ground over and over!!!! lol!!! I could never win as anyone else though, only her. I am not so good with the vids usually.
One time Daniel said that Jason and I were soul mates, and that whatever happened, in the end, we would find each other wherever we were. Obviously that isn't true, but it sounded nice at the time.
I would have married Jason. Truly. If he would have said the word. I would have done a lot of things that he actually kept me from doing. Whatever he was with anyone else, he always had integrity with me.
Sooo...yeah. I think about him off and on, but not with any great regret or anything. That all happened a long time ago.
They all moved to Texas and I stayed behind. I was getting really involved with the church at the time and I felt like God said.."No, I have something better for you."
So right before Christmas I had a dream about Jason and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. I think this is just one of those things that was buried in the closet of my heart.
I never really greived the loss of my friends. I was too busy. There was too much going on, for too long. One day I just realized that time had marched on without them, and that was ok.
Apparently my heart feels differently.
I think Jason is married and lives in Florida. When I heard he was engaged I wanted very badly to send them a gift, but had no contact information. So I called his dad a few days ago. Hopefully I can still send them a little something. We were friends, after all, more than anything, and it just seems like the thing to do. I am glad if he is well.
It's just taking me some time to sort through the heart wrenching memories. I have grown a little tired of heart wrenching, but what can you do? So I am trying to go with this house cleaning thing, or whatever God is doing, and look my past square in the face so that I can move on from it.
And there you have it. Why I am soup. =)
Friday, December 29, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
One For the Road
It seems like a zillion years since I updated, even though in truth it has probably only been a week and a half.
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.
Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!
I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!
Our area suffered a terrible wind storm, which knocked innumerable huge trees to the ground, crashing into houses, power lines, and all kinds of things. As I mentioned in a previous blog about the weather, we had a record amount of rain in November, which had caused a lot of flooding and whatnot, and there was some power loss then as well, just not as much. Because the ground is still so water logged, it was much easier for trees to be uprooted, causing even more damage than a wind storm of this caliber might normally have done. I've wanted to take some pictures, but just haven't done it yet. If I don't get around to it before the mess is all cleaned up, I will steal some from friends that I can post and show some of the damage. It was really quite impressive.
The sidewalks and sides of the road are littered with pine. It's like we have green growing streets! Luckily no trees fell on our house, although one of of close neighbors was not so lucky. We were without power for four days.
We closed ourselves up in the downstairs living room and stoked the fire nice and high. Of course, since the power was out we had to have a cold front move in. Everyone knows that that is the first rule of a power outtage...the temperature is going to drop. I think of it as usually fairly warm over here, at least coming from my Eastern Washington perspective. It rarely snows, and 40 degrees is cold. I love it. Of course, when the power went out, the temperature dropped down into the 20's at night. It's a really weird thing to be laying in your bed, which is warm, but then to peek out your head and see your breath in front of your face!!
On the afternoon of the fourth day, several things happened.....
#1. My desire to have experienced the wagon train and life of a pioneer was completely shattered.
#2. Camping inside the house lost all of its novelty.
#3. I had a breakdown and just couldn't take it anymore, so I left. hehe.
One can only freeze ones ass off for so many days in a row. I drove to a friends house in Bellevue, and slept on their floor that night. Of course, at 10pm or so our power came back on, but it was still freezing in the house, and it had a chance to warm up while I was away, which was fabulous.
I was unplugged for about five days, which might be a record for this fall.
Today, anytime now actually, my housemates and I are driving to Spokane for Christmas. Caleb, the rock star, is opening for me tomorrow. Yay for Caleb the rock star!!!! Woooo!!!!!!
I wasn't going to post anything, but I have been meaning to write an entry ever since the power came back on, just been too busy. So, while Lance and Jeni are getting ready to go, I thought I would take the opportunity to let you all know how much I love electricity. =)
I really, really do love it.
Yay for Technology. =)
Okay, well, that's it for now. I am off to gather my stuff and brace myself for the forthcoming festivities!!!!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Christmas, and its varying emotions
At work we have the Charlie Brown Christmas album, and every time I see it, one of those songs gets stuck in my head. I always remember that my pastor from back home loves that show, and I keep meaning to pick it up.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.
I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.
Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.
I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.
So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.
So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.
I want to watch it now. I am sure it will come on tv sometime soon. It tugs at the heart strings in just the right way.
I miss my sister. It's kind of weird actually. I am sure that it sounds normal, but it isn't that normal to me. At least, I usually can't differentiate it from other feelings I might be having. Once you experience that level of grief, I am sure that some part of it always stays with you. I am sure that sometimes it affects me, it's just that it blends in with the other parts of my psychae. Does that make sense? So even though I know that it's there in the background at times, and that it probably affects me in ways that I don't see or understand, I am usually not aware of it.
Right now I know it, though. I don't usually get more emotional at this time of year, or around her birthday, or around the anniversary of the accident. I always wonder if I will, but I don't. I had a rough couple of days, and sometimes when things are particularly tough, I might think about it, but it doesn't really work like...it doesn't randomly come on because life is tough. Which, I suppose, is a blessing.
So I wasn't expecting it, to be honest. I consider myself fairly well adjusted to the whole thing. I mean, it sucks, but what are you going to do?! So anyway, all of that to say, right now I miss my sister, and I know I do.
I just miss her. She should be there, you know, to talk about christmas presents and crazy family antics, but she isn't. She should be my contact person in Spokane, giving me brilliant shopping ideas for Mom (the hardest person in the world to shop for), but she isn't. She just isn't, and never will be again.
Whitney is 17 and we have a great relationship. She's the best. One sibling isn't better than another, they are just different. To be honest, Whitney and I were never that close before we lost Chelle. Losing her, in some sense, enabled us to have the relationship we have today. You look on the bright side, you know. The good that comes out of the bad.
Unfortunately, however close we are, cute little sister just can't possibly understand the frustrations of being a 30 year old adult. Our relationship has a completely different dynamic. Chelle and I were 17 months apart. We grew up together. It's just...different.
So...yeah. It's just one of those moments where it creeps up on you I guess. It lays dormant there for awhile, and one day it just all rises to the surface at it's ideal moment.
It's just a part of life. Life and death, and that whole cycley thing.
So I just miss her, and there is nothing that I can do about that, except to just miss her and let it run it's course. Fortunately it is almost Christmas, and I will get to spend a couple of lovely days at home with friends and family who I am looking so forward to seeing. They aren't my sister, but they are wonderful nevertheless, and that takes the sting away.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Connector, that is me.
Apparently I do have a mission in this life. Apparently my gift, forever, will be to connect other people. For my old school college age friends, I am the go to person if you are in need of a phone number.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?
I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.
Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.
Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.
I am the person, or at least, the main person, who is calling everyone to make sure that Thanksgiving get together goes over as planned. Everyone else is simply obligated to show up.
I guess I should feel flattered. I have in the past. It's nice to be needed, even if it's just so that everyone can know what everyone else is doing.
I serve this same function in other groups of my friends. For example, a friend from my DTS recently contacted me to get in touch with another of our DTS friends. To be fair, we are from the same town, went to the same h.s. and I know his mother...even though I haven't seen her in years. So, logically, I am the person to ask. Said missing DTSer is also connected with my old school college age friends, a couple of whom have also asked about him, so it was pretty much time for me to track the bugger down anyway.
I was able to reach his mom tonight, and get the update on his life, and a current phone number. I haven't talked to the guy in like....six years I think?
I love my friends. They are all truly the most amazing people. How I wandered into them all, I will never understand. In comparison, I truly, truly suck. You know, when I was younger, and still wide eyed in all things Christianity, I prayed that I would just have a place, however humble, and I got my wish. This is what I do. My life sucks, I barely make ends meet, I can't seem to get a decent job, and I have no idea where to go with my life. My faith, at times, flounders....but through it all, I am still the go to girl. I still connect my friends. I am sort of like the glue in this little makeshift family of christians.
I don't really mind. I mean, like I said, it's nice to be needed, however infrequently. I like everyone, so its not really hard for me to try and keep in touch with them. I genuinely want the best for everyone, so I am glad to hear that everyone is mostly well.
These are the benefits of my job as the communicator.
Tonight I just had a moment though...my bad attitude rearing it's ever ugly head. When I was in the middle of hearing about the lives of my friends, pursuing God, every marching onward with goals and visions for their life, new adventures branching out before them...Once again I couldn't help feeling....left behind. Forgotten. Maybe not by all of them. Maybe by God, I don't know.
If I was suddenly missing, maybe some of them would lose track of each other, but they would ultimately keep on marching down their noble paths.
I know that they are thankful for me, and the role I play, but I am not sure that I am always entirely thankful for it. I would rather have it than not, I would just also like to be able to take care of myself, and have a decent job. I am a fairly nice person, and I work hard at work, and most people seem to like me, so I don't really understand why this is such an issue. Sometimes it feels like this curse that I can never ever break free of.
When I hear the great news about what's going on with my friends, I don't want that joy to be laced with my own selfish sorrow. Rawr.
Anyway...I will keep on doing my job, and having these brief beautiful moments of getting to connect with an amazing group of people, and getting to connect them, joyfully, with each other.
That's just what I do.
Not such good days
This is definitely one of those days that I should not be allowed near the blogger dashboard. It's been a long week, and I am feeling fairly discouraged, and I wish it were Christmas and I was at home with Becky and Rosie drinking a nice hot cocoa. =)
As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!
Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.
I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.
Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!
As lame as it sounds, last night I was watching Oprah, and Carrie Underwood was on there singing "Jesus take the Wheel," which is a great song whether you appreciate country music or not, and I confess, I had a moment where I didn't feel quite so horrible, but it didn't last long enough!!!
Last week I had a couple of interviews with a Physical Therapy office up in Kirkland, but I didn't get the job. I told myself that it was better to know now I wasn't the right fit for them, than three months down the road, but the truth is, no matter how miserable the job could have been, I would have still gotten some more experience, which could have helped me in the long run. So when I got the news, I was a little more discouraged than I had thought I was going to be. I kind of hid in my room for awhile. Actually, I guess I kind of hide in my room a lot. Jeni probably thinks I am the laziest person on earth. She's home today. I have heard her moving about in the other room, but the only time I have ventured out, she had coincidentally just gotten into the shower, so I don't know if she thinks I am sleeping or what, but in any case, it is 3:00 and I am still in my room.
I don't really have a lot of other places to go at the moment, and I have books in here, and the internet, which keep me at least somewhat entertained. I may actually get in my car and go pick up my tips at work...maybe. I can also get them tomorrow morning, so its no big deal. Just an excuse to leave the house really.
I have good days and bad days. Today, is a bad day. I mean, not like the most horrible day or anything, just not a good day. I think that badness has been building for a few days and now I am having a hard time fighting it off. Of course, you never know...tomorrow I could wake up and it could be a fabulous day. That sometimes does happen. Stranger things you know.
Anyway, I could descend into a horrible tirade at any moment, and I really don't want to do that, so I am going to go while the gettin's good!
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