Holiday Revelry

I have this Faith Hill song stuck in my head, it's called; "Stealing Kisses." I really love that song. It's kind of sad...I like to think of it as tragically beautiful, and those are my favorite kind. It is really uncanny how many of my blog titles come from song lyrics. Stealing Kisses just wasn't gonna work out for me tonight. Still, there it is. At least my song of the moment is included.

So last night was the fabulous Leach family christmas shindig, which I enjoyed far more than should be legally possible. I think there was a moment there when I was pretty close to "perfectly happy." I'm a simple girl, what can I say? I don't think there is any such thing as sustained perfect happiness, so you have to grasp the feeling when you can! =)

After the Leach family fun I journeyed through the snow storm to my Mother's house. It was late, I'm not gonna lie. My brother lives there with his daughter, Hailey, who is two (well, two in January). So, apparently sometime during the night, before bed, my brother's...friend? gf? I have no idea? ..put some lotion on Hailey, which she was really sensitive to. It made her skin burn. Of course, she couldn't tell us what was wrong, she just screamed bloody murder. She wasn't really scratching or anything at first, and my mom and I could not figure out what was going on. We tried everything we could think of to make her feel better. When we would try to talk to her she would just scream louder. I mean, it was bad. I was starting to pray desperate prayers of; "help! my niece is posessed!" My brother had already gone to bed when this started, apparently. Mom and I were up almost all night with Hailey. She would start to doze off and then wake up crying. Even though it must have been hurting her all along, it didn't show up on her skin right away. Eventually her face started to get blotchy and she was scratching her forehead though, and my mom went and put her in the bath. Phew! Everything was great after that, except for the fact that none of us had gotten any sleep.
We were surprisingly upbeat today, considering. Of course, I did have four cups of coffee that didn't even take the edge off.
I played trivial pursuit with my sister, her fiance, and our cousin. I was nearly falling asleep at the table.
I am SO glad to be home. Of course, when I got here I had to straighten up because I don't want to wake up to a messy house. It is reasonably tidy at the moment, and that's pretty much all I've got in me. I am going to confess that there are a couple of boxes of things I hid from myself in the sun room, because I am too exhausted to organize anything and I don't want to sort through them. On top of that, there are all the things I brought home, which I have not yet put away. They are in a neat little area, but still...

I can't even think about doing it tonight though. I am hoping to have enough energy just to go to work tomorrow! It is past time for sleeping. Reading is totally out of the question.

The wall is looming. I am about to smack into it.

Bring on the laughter..

I have been so good about updating lately, I don't want to lose the groove now!

I had some family and friends over tonight. We had dinner and played games and it was just totally laid back and fun. I had a couple of glasses of bubbly. :) Of course, the champagne only brought the sleepiness on faster. I'm about to fall over from exhaustion. I guess all the snow shoveling is wearing me out! :p It was an...interesting...drive home from work today. Tomorrow I have to do it again. God bless my little front wheel drive. I don't know how I got it back into the driveway tonight, but PTL!! A friend called me yesterday and said; "Are you okay?!? Do we need to come get you?! We have room you know! Is your electricity working? Is it warm enough?? We are going to bring you a little space heater tomorrow!" haha. I wasn't expecting the outburst of kindness. It made my day. Plus, they have a nice big truck, and now I know who to call when noone else can get up and down this damn hill anymore!!! It's good to have friends!

Sometimes it's nice just to have a bit of laughter with people you love, and not have to think too hard about anything. I appreciate nights like tonight. I dearly love to laugh! Recently my friend pointed out that I, like his wife, throw my head back with abandon and laugh from my belly. :p I never would have thought about that if it hadn't been pointed out to me! Isn't that funny?! I never would have noticed!

Okay, that's it. I just hit the wall. To bed before I am asleep on the computer keys. =)

Jesus Behind the Couch

=) Thank you Chris, for that title.

So, it is 4 in the morning, I am listening to Lauryn Hill, which I am really into at this moment, and I am totally jacked up on caffeine. Not even that much caffeine.

More than one typo will undoubtedly escape my notice on this particular entry, I'm not gonna lie. =)

For quite a few hours now I have wanted to write this entry, and a hodge podge of thoughts (as per usual) are floating around in my brain.

First let me just say, I am really blessed today. I have been up late talking to my peeps, and that is nice. The girls went to sleep awhile ago, but Paul and Chris the insomniacs have been online for quite a bit of the night. I feel like I've been having hang out night with the guys, which is something I have not done in a long time! So that's fun!

Okay, so what originally got me thinking about writing today, was a conversation I had much earlier with an old classmate. She is originally from Washington, but has been living and working for some time in the Twin Cities area. We reconnected recently on Facebook. Ya know, everybody's doin' it!

We were friends in high school. Not really close or anything, but friends. We knew a lot of the same people.

We have...a lot of differences. I tend to be conservative, or at least somewhere in the middle, and she is a self described maniac liberal. Our conversation revolved around past experience; Her getting so caught up in academia that she was too much of a snob to talk to anyone not involved therein, and my having gotten so caught up in the conservative, evangelical church, that I could not talk to anyone outside of it. Essentially.

It was...a really great conversation. I really enjoyed that we could have it.

Some time ago, when I left the church I had been in, and tried to find balance for myself somewhere, one of my desires was to reconnect with some of the kinds of people I had known when I was younger. My memory of myself, however skewed, is that I did have specific feelings about certain things. I was cut and dry in some areas, but I was friends with everyone. I just...really liked most people. I wanted, generally, to make peace and get along with people. People are multi-faceted and interesting.

Of course, that doesn't mean everyone is right about everything they think they are right about. I still have my belief system. My opinions, just like then. I had friends in high school who did a lot of drugs and different things. I really loved those people, and spent time with them, though not supporting those habits. I didn't party, I didn't have sex, I didn't bully people...I just wasn't any of those things.I wasn't holier than thou. I didn't expect everyone to have my reasons. I hope I was a good influence, but I wasn't really thinking of it that way. I wasn't really on a mission to save anyone or anything like that. I loved my friends and I wanted them to flourish. And people really, truly, genuinely respond to that. And..I lost it.
Okay, maybe I never lost the ability to be that way. We all have that capacity...and I was by no means perfect or anything like that. There was a part of me that got buried though.

I realize that I don't have to agree with people 100% to love, and support them, and to really see them for the treasure that they are.

Unfortunately, the church, so often, (and I am not talking about one denomination here) is the voice of God's judgement. You can't do this, you can't do that. This is a sin, that is a sin. Chris and I were talking about this the other day, that the time in the Bible when Jesus really gets pissed, it is in the temple.

Now I don't want to misrepresent myself by making anyone think that I don't believe in any moral absolutes, that I am not black and white in some ways. I really hate the term "grey area", however, there is generally just so much more to an issue, so much more to a person...it is so much more complicated than we often choose to see. I wonder if christians are really willing to put their time where their mouth is. Oh, some are, just to be fair. I am not the only person that feels this way. Jesus really saw the person, and his first reaction was always love. He just loved people. The modern church is so AFRAID of people sinning..so afraid of SIN, of screwing up, of doing the wrong thing, whatever. This is the foundation for how they see the world. But if you are a christian, then "perfect love casts out fear". Some of the dialogue, or commentary that is going on, I honestly don't know why it even has to go on. I don't go around preaching to all my friends, "this is the way, walk in it or die."

I hope that there is something in the way I live my life. That I honor, accept and love people, no matter where they come from, how smart they are, how much money they have, what their sexual orientation is. They are all people. We are all Gods kids. We are ALL in this together.
*sigh*
Despite the fact that I really do love and believe in Jesus, I am no longer an evangelical. Will I ever be again? Who knows. I am figuring things out just like everyone.

Okay, but anyway, back to the people in my life...

Earlier in the week I was reading some old emails that my friend Joe and I had sent back and forth, and we have known each other awhile, if online. I haven't really been investing in that friendship as much in the past year or so. I have been caught up in a lot of other things that were going on, and I sort of regret that. I guess I had kind of forgotten that one of the reasons I am friends with Joe is because he challenges me. We don't see everything exactly the same, and I like that! I remember this argument..ish that we had a long time ago, and the topic doesn't matter, but now I am like..Psh. He was so right. Lol! I was so wrong! We haven't had many conversations like that lately, but there are still moments where I am like...dang! I never thought of that!

I miss that when it goes away!

Tonight I have been talking to my friends Paul and Chris, interesting conversations. I was thinking...Wow. I am having a lot of random conversations today..and it is AWESOME! The gal I was talking about earlier, we were talking about writing, and English degrees, and I was thinking...My God, I need these people in my life. We talked about really coming from the bad side of town...poor white trash. I sometimes feel like I am caught in this middle ground, where I want to be smart and educated, and escape, and then on the otherside I am afraid to get out, because I have no idea what that looks like. I have been BLESSED in my life with a lot of genuinely intelligent people. Awesome people. Just being around those people rubs something off on me, but in some ways I feel like I have thrown that away. I am not living up to my own expectations of myself. Not that they are extravagant or unreasonable, they are just more. I have a mind I just don't always tap into. Then, I remain unfulfilled, and essentially, unsatisfied and unhappy. You don't have to save the world, you know? You just have to find your niche. I don't know exactly what I am looking for, or how to do it, but people like these offer me reminders.

I have been writing this entry for an hour. I am probably a bit spacey and I am trying to say too much.
Essentially, I am really greatful for Becky, and the great talk we had earlier. It was unexpected and just plain good. I appreciate reconnecting with Paul, talking old books and weird religions. I appreciate Joe for all the random insight, book advice, humor, general encouragment and everything else over the years, and I appreciate Christopher for too much to say!!! We are woven of the same fabric! He has always been one of the dearest people to me and we disagree on quite a few things. Batman not being one of them, of course. :p He will kick your ass if you mess with me!! Haha, but he also reminds me that my way isn't always "THE" way. He doesn't even have to say that, I just know by talking to him. Of course, all of these people (and a few who aren't mentioned) are way smarter than I am. I sometimes don't even really get why they are interested in talking to me(and no, Chris, I am not putting myself down! :p), but I am really glad that they are...for however long that lasts. =)
Thanks for keeping me on my toes everybody.
Much Love.

I'd like some chestnuts, and an open fire please. Thank You.

I would like to write about something, anything, that has nothing whatesoever to do with me or any of my close circle of friends. That means, nothing about the weather. Nothing about jobs or family. Nothing about the things that are gnawing away at my brain, making me crazy. Nothing, even, about the holidays.
Of course, as I say that, every candle in my house is lit, and the oven is on (I'm *thinking* about baking), just to raise the temperature in my apartment a couple more degrees (curse you, drafty old buildings). Everything I write today comes out in a messy jumble of words that makes me want to rip out my hair, undoubtedly not helped by the fact that there are icicles forming in my brain.
Take me someplace sunny, someplace warm.

Despite the fact that my brain refuses to cooperate with me, and I am frustrated, and there is too much on my mind, and I have serious doubts about my character today, I still need to write SOMETHING so that my head does not explode.

It is 6 o'clock in the evening and I can literally FEEL the temperature dropping outside...and when did I become such a big whiner about the weather anyway? Still, DAMN its cold!

Another Late Night

I can't really write everything that is on my mind this time. It isn't even really because I don't want to. I just have to sit on it for the time being. Perhaps later it will be okay.
Notice how I have started to say "really" a lot. I must "really" like that word. I also use "haha," "hehe," and "lol," WAY too much, especially in email. Why do I do this? I don't know, but today I thought about asking my friend Joe to throw something at me everytime he notices. I suppose since he is not close enough to throw anything, that effort would be wasted, but it was a thought. I could ask my friend Jan to throw something, but she wouldn't. Who else can I count on? I am just going to hope that it annoys me enough to stop it.
It does annoy me, but I am so used to doing it, that I have stopped noticing. I only notice it when I go back and re-read.
I feel like I am dumbing down in some ways, and that really bothers me.

The other day I said something really bratty to my sister. Well, I didn't mean it to be bratty, but it was, and in a rather condescending way. I still feel horrible. We were talking about the picture that she and Ryan want to use for their wedding invitations. It is a cute picture, I am just not sure if it is appropriate. Of course, that is not really my call. Big sisters sometimes act like everything is their call however. :p I have my moments.

I have to remind myself once in awhile, that the world does not revolve around me. Not that I am more conceited than anyone else, but its still something I occassionally have to work on. I don't want to be a jerk. I want to be someone that people like. I don't mean shallow popularity either. I am not going for loads of superficial friends. I just want to be worthy of the good people that I know. A nice sense of mutual respect would be just fine.

I was having a VERY bad day last week. I slept in for a long time because I was off that day and just not ready to face the world. I ended up talking to my friend Chris on the phone, really late at night. Don't you hate it when you get sucked into having these conversations and things really late at night, when your guard is down? Then you end up telling details that maybe around noon you would have kept to yourself?! Ha! That is just how it was. Not that I don't trust Chris tremendously. We go WAY back. Still, there are some things I like to keep to myself. For example; shortcomings that I am rather ashamed of, I prefer just to skim the surface. Isn't it interesting how we have such different kinds of friends, and how some of those friends know certain things about us, and the rest know something else? Not like we are hiding anything, neccesarily, but just that people see a different side of us.
Plus, I know that certain people I will talk about something like, oh, say relationships with, but another person I just don't feel like I can talk to them about that for whatever reason. Every friendship is unique I suppose.

I am greatful for my friends in all their varying shades.

Friendships change over the years, and that is okay. Some of them fall away, not neccesarily because anything major went wrong. Sometimes it is just because of time and distance. Other friendships mature and flourish. We change and mature (hopefully!) so that makes sense I suppose. Sometimes I like change and sometimes I loathe it. You know, sometimes I think we just have to look at our relationships from a different perspective. Because we grow, we have to give one another room to do so. It's a bummer when certain friendships can't survive that. I don't know why these things are on my mind. It just comes and goes I guess. Relationships in their many forms are a dominating factor in our lives, so I suppose it's to be expected.

Well, I guess that's all I want to say right now.
I finally decided to get with the program and update my links. Jill and Lara changed their sites long ago and I have been sporting the old ones for ages now. Got rid of a few, and that is just fine.

Scattered

Look at me! I am non-blogger gone wild!
I am so incredibly sporadic. My actions and my thinking have no discernable pattern.
I do normal and responsible things everyday. On the outside, I almost appear controlled. : On the inside I think I am just a swirling vortex of barely controlled chaos. I don't mean that in terms of emotional turmoil or anything. I mean, I definitely have my moments. I am given to strange fits of passion, but I would like to say that I am generally positive and emotionally...upbeat? *shrug*

My problem is that my brain thinks too much. haha. It is always going. It must be fed, it likes to chew on things. To couple with that, my heart feels too much. Okay, maybe everybody says that. I am sure it is true for A LOT more people than just me. So my brain gets going on something, and it stirs up my heart, and then I do myself this terrible travesty of not writing. It is such a great outlet, but I find all kinds of things to distract me from it. From the relief of doing it. Really lame distractions too, okay. Lame lame lame.

You know what I have also realized that kind of goes along with this, is that I got into this habit of watching so many shows, and so many movies (not that there is anything wrong with this in general), but I just love, I am so into the dialogue and the human connection, and the human struggle. Right and wrong, trying to do what is good versus what is evil. I just eat it up. Moral dilemma. Of course, I also let this be my escape from having dialogue. You know, from my own interactions with the world, and my own dilemmas. I am sitting in my house, watching it play out on my tv, rather than living it. I am not saying that this is going to make me stop reading, or writing, or watching t.v., I am just saying that there is balance and I need to remind myself to find it. The people in my life are important. How they affect, challenge, encourage me. Heck, even how they piss me off, or make me cry, or just confuse the crap out of me. In fact, maybe those things more so, because then I have to decide what I am going to do with that. You know? That is where my faith comes in, and patience, and longsuffering, and all of those things that are impossible to achieve without at least some trial in our lives. Character.

I can relieve the worst of the feeling by just checking out. By watching it on t.v.

These are some of the thoughts in my head. Okay. Better.
This is one of those entries where I remember why I started a blog in the first place. Where I actually reach inside of me, and pull out what is in there. Not the surface stuff, like work making me a little crazy, or the fact that *shock* its snowing in eastern Washington, or anything like that. Not that it isn't sometimes valid, but it requires nothing of me, generally speaking. There are times when what is inside of me, grieving me, are those little things. Like, the constant struggle with my coworker, who shows very little integrity, and how my behaviour toward that situation is abysmal, or how I really need to work out my financial situation so that I can buy a new, non weird-noise-inducing vehicle! I have those times!
The challenge then, is finding out what matters when, and getting it out.
At least, it makes sense to me.
Then again, I am barely controlled chaos. :p

It's midnight. I've been up since four this morning. I should sleep, but having anything at all to say after this crappy year, these crappy months of saying nothing, is too good.
I think I will write Chris a letter now, since he's been harassing me for it.

Goodnight blogosphere.

Snarly Face.

...I am making one right now.
The only reason I am blogging is because I want to be able to say I did, when Chris asks me if I have been writing anything. Which, I concede, is a lame reason. Whatever works though, right? It helps. It does its part.
It isn't my blogs fault that I have a bad additude. :p

Well, in the ongoing adventures of Amanda...today I went shopping. Actually, it was more like wandering around aimlessly waiting for my sister to get off so that "we" could go shopping. We were supposed to be shopping for my mom, but we ended up at the Steve and Barry's closeout sale, buying clothes for small, cute girls. =) I am sure my two year old niece will REALLY appreciate the time we spent. haha. We did also have a lovely lunch. I love my 'lil sister and any opportunity to hang out with her.
It is freezing in Spokane. Literally. I think it's around 24 degrees right now, and tomorrow I think we are supposed to have a whopping high of 9! On the side streets where the snow didn't melt and they haven't dropped any sand, it is now solid ice. After I took my sister home my car couldn't make it up the small incline just outside of her complex so I had to back up and go another way. Luckily that worked out. The main roads aren't too bad, at least, the ones I drove on today. I hope it stays that way. I live at the top of a pretty significant hill. The city takes pretty good care of it, but even so...
It worries me a little.
I am a bit paranoid about winter driving this year. Usually I am not too worried about the snow, or sliding off the road. I am a very careful driver, and I generally avoid the freeway (one benefit of not living in a huge city where it's necessary to commute). I could be wrong, but I think part of the reason I feel this way, is because I am not surrounded by my usual crowd of friends. Of course, I wasn't the past two winters either, but then I was in Texas and Federal Way. In FW it snowed briefly, but it didn't stay long. It generally does not snow at all in San Antonio. So, anyway, in the past I also knew quite a few people with the same pasttimes that I had, so it was easy to hitch a ride somewhere in case of weather. For two years before I moved away, I also had roommates and neighbors who went to the same church as I did, and all the things associated with. So...I don't know. I guess it adds to the security factor.
These days I am just kind of doing my own thing. I suppose I am a bit hermity. Sometimes I go to work quite early in the morning, before anyone else is on the road. The other part of the time I come home after dark. Not super late, but late in the wintertime. People tend to stay in more in the winter, so the roads are not so busy after 9p.m. Of course, that also depends on the weather. Basically it comes down to the fact that I am generally driving alone, in the dark, with barely anyone on the road. It means that there are less maniacs around to cause accidents, lol, but it also means that if anything happens, there is noone around to see.
I find that slightly frightening.
I pray, a lot, that nothing bad will happen.
You've gotta do what you've gotta do. I try not to dwell on it.

Well, I have around 14 days left to finish my Christmas projects, one of which is a needlepoint piece. My fingers are freezing, which I've gotta say is not really so helpful. I am going to attempt to work on it anyway.
Away I go!


Currently Listening to:
Nat King Cole/Christmas

Currently Reading: Robert Jordan/A Crown of Swords

Why Not.

Greetings from Amanda the non-blogger.

So, I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes when I go to bed at night, all of the things from that evening mush together in my head and create really odd dreams.
Last night, I was looking at some pictures of my adorable friend Bridget, who is pregnant. She is the cutest pregnant lady ever! I was thinking about calling my friend Dave who I hadn't spoken to in awhile, and I sent a message to my friend Tonya from high school, asking her who in the heck this other girl was who had sent me a friend request on Facebook. Apparently other friends of mine know her, but I got nothin'.

So after all of that, among other things, I decided to go to bed.
I dreamt that I was pregnant...weird. I dreamt that my friend Dave (who I didn't meet until I was 26) gave me a ride back to high school (but the building was really my old junior high and there was a wedding going on in the basement). All of my old classmates were there, but they were not teenagers, they were adults. It was now, but in high school. Lol! I don't know! It was BIZARRO! haha.
Okay, here is the best part...
After "school" my girlhood friend Danielle drove me home. We were in the same van Dave had driven us to school in. The roads we drove down were way more quaint than our neighborhood really was back then. Suddenly, she started driving like a maniac! We were racing down these tiny streets with huge canopy trees above us! Then, she decided to take a short cut and she flipped the van upside down! Miraculously we were unharmed, but I was shocked and crawled out as fast as I could!
What goes on in my brain while I am sleeping...I just have no idea.
There are very odd things floating around in there.

So, I just haven't felt like blogging lately. Probably because I just don't feel like sharing. That's right, I have become a non-sharer. I really need to snap out of it, but I haven't figured out how yet. I am in some weird transitionary phase and it sucks. I was complaining about something...who knows what...to my friend Chris. I think it had to do with my being in a bad mood. Anyway, he said; "Write that! That is a great time to write!" Which is true of course, but I didn't do it.

I make myself crazy, but I am working on that.
Why can't life be just a little bit easier?!
Ppplllbbbb!!!!!