Jesus Behind the Couch

=) Thank you Chris, for that title.

So, it is 4 in the morning, I am listening to Lauryn Hill, which I am really into at this moment, and I am totally jacked up on caffeine. Not even that much caffeine.

More than one typo will undoubtedly escape my notice on this particular entry, I'm not gonna lie. =)

For quite a few hours now I have wanted to write this entry, and a hodge podge of thoughts (as per usual) are floating around in my brain.

First let me just say, I am really blessed today. I have been up late talking to my peeps, and that is nice. The girls went to sleep awhile ago, but Paul and Chris the insomniacs have been online for quite a bit of the night. I feel like I've been having hang out night with the guys, which is something I have not done in a long time! So that's fun!

Okay, so what originally got me thinking about writing today, was a conversation I had much earlier with an old classmate. She is originally from Washington, but has been living and working for some time in the Twin Cities area. We reconnected recently on Facebook. Ya know, everybody's doin' it!

We were friends in high school. Not really close or anything, but friends. We knew a lot of the same people.

We have...a lot of differences. I tend to be conservative, or at least somewhere in the middle, and she is a self described maniac liberal. Our conversation revolved around past experience; Her getting so caught up in academia that she was too much of a snob to talk to anyone not involved therein, and my having gotten so caught up in the conservative, evangelical church, that I could not talk to anyone outside of it. Essentially.

It was...a really great conversation. I really enjoyed that we could have it.

Some time ago, when I left the church I had been in, and tried to find balance for myself somewhere, one of my desires was to reconnect with some of the kinds of people I had known when I was younger. My memory of myself, however skewed, is that I did have specific feelings about certain things. I was cut and dry in some areas, but I was friends with everyone. I just...really liked most people. I wanted, generally, to make peace and get along with people. People are multi-faceted and interesting.

Of course, that doesn't mean everyone is right about everything they think they are right about. I still have my belief system. My opinions, just like then. I had friends in high school who did a lot of drugs and different things. I really loved those people, and spent time with them, though not supporting those habits. I didn't party, I didn't have sex, I didn't bully people...I just wasn't any of those things.I wasn't holier than thou. I didn't expect everyone to have my reasons. I hope I was a good influence, but I wasn't really thinking of it that way. I wasn't really on a mission to save anyone or anything like that. I loved my friends and I wanted them to flourish. And people really, truly, genuinely respond to that. And..I lost it.
Okay, maybe I never lost the ability to be that way. We all have that capacity...and I was by no means perfect or anything like that. There was a part of me that got buried though.

I realize that I don't have to agree with people 100% to love, and support them, and to really see them for the treasure that they are.

Unfortunately, the church, so often, (and I am not talking about one denomination here) is the voice of God's judgement. You can't do this, you can't do that. This is a sin, that is a sin. Chris and I were talking about this the other day, that the time in the Bible when Jesus really gets pissed, it is in the temple.

Now I don't want to misrepresent myself by making anyone think that I don't believe in any moral absolutes, that I am not black and white in some ways. I really hate the term "grey area", however, there is generally just so much more to an issue, so much more to a person...it is so much more complicated than we often choose to see. I wonder if christians are really willing to put their time where their mouth is. Oh, some are, just to be fair. I am not the only person that feels this way. Jesus really saw the person, and his first reaction was always love. He just loved people. The modern church is so AFRAID of people sinning..so afraid of SIN, of screwing up, of doing the wrong thing, whatever. This is the foundation for how they see the world. But if you are a christian, then "perfect love casts out fear". Some of the dialogue, or commentary that is going on, I honestly don't know why it even has to go on. I don't go around preaching to all my friends, "this is the way, walk in it or die."

I hope that there is something in the way I live my life. That I honor, accept and love people, no matter where they come from, how smart they are, how much money they have, what their sexual orientation is. They are all people. We are all Gods kids. We are ALL in this together.
*sigh*
Despite the fact that I really do love and believe in Jesus, I am no longer an evangelical. Will I ever be again? Who knows. I am figuring things out just like everyone.

Okay, but anyway, back to the people in my life...

Earlier in the week I was reading some old emails that my friend Joe and I had sent back and forth, and we have known each other awhile, if online. I haven't really been investing in that friendship as much in the past year or so. I have been caught up in a lot of other things that were going on, and I sort of regret that. I guess I had kind of forgotten that one of the reasons I am friends with Joe is because he challenges me. We don't see everything exactly the same, and I like that! I remember this argument..ish that we had a long time ago, and the topic doesn't matter, but now I am like..Psh. He was so right. Lol! I was so wrong! We haven't had many conversations like that lately, but there are still moments where I am like...dang! I never thought of that!

I miss that when it goes away!

Tonight I have been talking to my friends Paul and Chris, interesting conversations. I was thinking...Wow. I am having a lot of random conversations today..and it is AWESOME! The gal I was talking about earlier, we were talking about writing, and English degrees, and I was thinking...My God, I need these people in my life. We talked about really coming from the bad side of town...poor white trash. I sometimes feel like I am caught in this middle ground, where I want to be smart and educated, and escape, and then on the otherside I am afraid to get out, because I have no idea what that looks like. I have been BLESSED in my life with a lot of genuinely intelligent people. Awesome people. Just being around those people rubs something off on me, but in some ways I feel like I have thrown that away. I am not living up to my own expectations of myself. Not that they are extravagant or unreasonable, they are just more. I have a mind I just don't always tap into. Then, I remain unfulfilled, and essentially, unsatisfied and unhappy. You don't have to save the world, you know? You just have to find your niche. I don't know exactly what I am looking for, or how to do it, but people like these offer me reminders.

I have been writing this entry for an hour. I am probably a bit spacey and I am trying to say too much.
Essentially, I am really greatful for Becky, and the great talk we had earlier. It was unexpected and just plain good. I appreciate reconnecting with Paul, talking old books and weird religions. I appreciate Joe for all the random insight, book advice, humor, general encouragment and everything else over the years, and I appreciate Christopher for too much to say!!! We are woven of the same fabric! He has always been one of the dearest people to me and we disagree on quite a few things. Batman not being one of them, of course. :p He will kick your ass if you mess with me!! Haha, but he also reminds me that my way isn't always "THE" way. He doesn't even have to say that, I just know by talking to him. Of course, all of these people (and a few who aren't mentioned) are way smarter than I am. I sometimes don't even really get why they are interested in talking to me(and no, Chris, I am not putting myself down! :p), but I am really glad that they are...for however long that lasts. =)
Thanks for keeping me on my toes everybody.
Much Love.