Scattered

Look at me! I am non-blogger gone wild!
I am so incredibly sporadic. My actions and my thinking have no discernable pattern.
I do normal and responsible things everyday. On the outside, I almost appear controlled. : On the inside I think I am just a swirling vortex of barely controlled chaos. I don't mean that in terms of emotional turmoil or anything. I mean, I definitely have my moments. I am given to strange fits of passion, but I would like to say that I am generally positive and emotionally...upbeat? *shrug*

My problem is that my brain thinks too much. haha. It is always going. It must be fed, it likes to chew on things. To couple with that, my heart feels too much. Okay, maybe everybody says that. I am sure it is true for A LOT more people than just me. So my brain gets going on something, and it stirs up my heart, and then I do myself this terrible travesty of not writing. It is such a great outlet, but I find all kinds of things to distract me from it. From the relief of doing it. Really lame distractions too, okay. Lame lame lame.

You know what I have also realized that kind of goes along with this, is that I got into this habit of watching so many shows, and so many movies (not that there is anything wrong with this in general), but I just love, I am so into the dialogue and the human connection, and the human struggle. Right and wrong, trying to do what is good versus what is evil. I just eat it up. Moral dilemma. Of course, I also let this be my escape from having dialogue. You know, from my own interactions with the world, and my own dilemmas. I am sitting in my house, watching it play out on my tv, rather than living it. I am not saying that this is going to make me stop reading, or writing, or watching t.v., I am just saying that there is balance and I need to remind myself to find it. The people in my life are important. How they affect, challenge, encourage me. Heck, even how they piss me off, or make me cry, or just confuse the crap out of me. In fact, maybe those things more so, because then I have to decide what I am going to do with that. You know? That is where my faith comes in, and patience, and longsuffering, and all of those things that are impossible to achieve without at least some trial in our lives. Character.

I can relieve the worst of the feeling by just checking out. By watching it on t.v.

These are some of the thoughts in my head. Okay. Better.
This is one of those entries where I remember why I started a blog in the first place. Where I actually reach inside of me, and pull out what is in there. Not the surface stuff, like work making me a little crazy, or the fact that *shock* its snowing in eastern Washington, or anything like that. Not that it isn't sometimes valid, but it requires nothing of me, generally speaking. There are times when what is inside of me, grieving me, are those little things. Like, the constant struggle with my coworker, who shows very little integrity, and how my behaviour toward that situation is abysmal, or how I really need to work out my financial situation so that I can buy a new, non weird-noise-inducing vehicle! I have those times!
The challenge then, is finding out what matters when, and getting it out.
At least, it makes sense to me.
Then again, I am barely controlled chaos. :p

It's midnight. I've been up since four this morning. I should sleep, but having anything at all to say after this crappy year, these crappy months of saying nothing, is too good.
I think I will write Chris a letter now, since he's been harassing me for it.

Goodnight blogosphere.