It's just another rainy night without you

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow

I felt like adding that little quote today, because, well, it amuses me.
Also, it is not raining. Queensryche popped into my head just as I sat down to type. So there you go, random title.

Let's see...what is on Amanda's brain today? Oh! I know. Integrity.
Some people have integrity. Other people seem not to.
This is an issue I have been dealing with at work lately. Okay, not only lately, but it is driving more crazy right now than at other times. Not very long ago I was in a friend's office and she had a magnet on her filing cabinet that said: "If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself." I love that.
Basically, I work my ass off at work, whether anyone else is watching or not. Of course, you hope working hard pays off, but I want to feel like I am doing the best I can reguardless of what other people choose to do. It irritates me to see people being taken advantage of, however, by those who really don't give a tiny mice's hiney (Amanda's own term. Yes, I know "mice's" is not correct use of the English language), about their job. What is it with these people?!?! They just get away with everything!!!!! They wrap other people around their deceitful little finger!! Grrr. Rawr. I don't like to see the awesome people I work with get caught in the middle either. I hate to see the rockstars having to pick up the slack for others who make just as much as they do. I realize that this is corporate America, but I don't have to like it!!! IT MAKES ME MAD!!! DO YOU HEAR THAT PERSON AT WORK WHO I CAN'T NAME?!?!?! :p Of course, if I made it my sole objective to make that person's life a living nightmare, I would only be sinking to their level of treachery. *sigh*

All I can say is, you better not try to throw my friends under the bus little missy. Oh, no no.

I really need to work on my attitude, since my frustration has been known to get the better of me. I do the best job I can at work, and that is above reproach, but nevertheless.. In the end, it will be her actions that cause her demise and not mine. I need to remind myself of that.
I need to stop. I am annoyed and it can just balloon out of proportion. All I want to say is; Do the right thing manager, do the right thing. Don't be sucked in by that false;"I am a holy and respectable church going single mom" bit. Don't be fooled!

I wish I had something better to talk about, but a coworker called me a little while ago regaurding a situation that happened at work over the weekend. So now it is on my mind. I am going to read or watch tv to distract myself from it. It is LAME! It would be easy for me to name names, whether they will read this or not, and bash on the offenders until they know the rough side of my tongue (or typing fingers!), but instead I will leave their identities at work and offer them at least a modicum of the decency they should learn to share with others. Hmph.

P.S. I CAN'T STAND CHRISTIANS WHO LIVE INSIDE THEIR LITTLE BUBBLE, INSIDE THEIR LITTLE FAKE FACADE, PRETENDING TO EVERYONE HOW PRETTY THEY THINK THEY ARE OR SHOULD BE, WHILE INSIDE THEY ARE JUST A NASTY CANKER!!! They are giving us all a bad name. Phoo!


Currently Listening to: Emery, The Question

Currently Reading: The Dragon Reborn by Robert Jordan

"The memory so clear, it's as if it's still before me..."

I really need to go back and re-read this blog, to remind myself of the things I have or have not written about and so not repeat myself over and over.
That said...
What is it about the past that seems to capture people my age? For me it's been happening for awhile, but I can tell it is not just me, since suddenly multitudes of my classmates are appearing and adding each other on Facebook. Of course, they aren't all my friends, but when I go to someone else's page I see more of them.
This random connection of mine, Jonathan, recently commented to me; "Isn't it interesting how the universe causes things to happen right when they are supposed to?" I tend to think in terms of "God" rather than "universe," but anyway, you get the gist.
Anyone who reads this, which these days basically consists of Jill since I have been neglecting it for so long, probably knows how I reconnected somewhat recently with my friend Chris. At least, I think it would be obvious, since I wrote about him and then he left me a comment. :p

Well, out of the favorite people of all time category, Chris is not alone (sorry buddy). :p
I had a best friend in high school. Actually, I have tried to give this title to a couple of other people over the years, just as Becky (hi Becky!), as I am back and forth all the time with saying it of her. We have known each other and been close forever, so it only seems right. The problem is, it doesn't feel right. I wonder if Chris feels this when he thinks back about a couple of people he used to know. In any case, no matter how I try to get around it, I have only ever had one best friend. Have I had many very very good friends? Yes, I truly have. Some, like Becky, are closer than others. Still, no matter how or to whom I try to apply the term, it never feels right. It never ever has. There is only one, and no matter how many years between conversations, she is it. I don't know why. It just is.

My best friend's name is Kareth and I haven't (actually hadn't) talked to her in...seven years. Longer actually, but technically she appeared at my sister's funeral seven years ago and I remember hugging her. That is all I remember. I was kind of in a daze as you can probably imagine. We lost touch some time ago. This is mostly my fault as far as I am concerned, but I won't go into details. It's a long story. Plus, since she is my best friend, I don't really want to say anything too personal here that is not mine to share. It would be hard for me to share too much about us or our situation without delving into personal things that I do not feel at liberty to share. So I must be vague. I will leave it at this.
Life did not work out for her the way I wanted it to.
She was always a deeply intelligent and beautiful person who cheered me on. As far as I was concerned, she could do anything she wanted. Life takes turns that sometimes we cannot foresee. And so it was. I didn't really know how to deal with that. I was young, and maybe a little shallow, and apparently not as faithful as I thought I was. And so, gradually, we drifted in our own directions.
*sigh*
It is weird to me now, how I can feel the way I do about the past, about these old friends of mine. After all, I have been blessed to know amazing and incredible people since then. I have had great and interesting experiences. Despite all of that, nothing can overshadow them. They loom larger than life inside of me. That is just the way it is. I put their pictures in my office, the place where I hide and write. Those pictures, I cannot explain this...they tear my heart open. You know how people use the term "like an open wound?" I wouldn't think of them as a wound, but it is something like that. Over the years there are some things you bury inside yourself, I guess. Well, those pictures, just sitting there...they seem to lay me bare. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I think it's good in a lot of ways.

So back to my best friend...
I sent her a letter awhile ago. I had managed to track down an address for her. I never heard back though. She didn't know how to respond. I suppose it was a pretty intense letter after so many years. So last week I stumbled across her brother, and his wife gave me an email address. Of course I wrote, and this time I got a response.
I am full of emotions I cannot describe. I am not even sure why I feel the way I do. Maybe there is no explanation.
It's kind of uncanny and amazing actually, to feel so much depth of emotion. Life seems to do it's best to rob us of our deep feelings.

I don't really know what my intent was in writing this entry. Just now I am reminded of this conversation I had with Joe a long time ago. For some reason, it is a dialogue I have thought of many times since then. In my mind it does not connect to what I am sharing in this blog, but then I realize that the reason it strikes me, is because now it shows me an example of who I was and then who I became. Now I seem to be recovering some of what was lost...praise the Lord.

I'm sorry. I am all over the place tonight. Not that that is really all that unusual, but sometimes it's worse, and this is one of those times.
That is all I have to say for now.

So Very Easily Distracted

Okay, so it's true that I have not accomplished as much as I wanted to by this time today but it's been a decent day even so. I have this extra little room in my apartment, technically I suppose it is a sun room. There are a lot of windows covered in blinds. It opens to the living room through these beautiful glass french doors. I wonder if a million years ago (obviously I exaggerate), there used to be a porch here. The reason why I wonder that is because there are also windows on either side of the french doors, complete with locks on the inside (living room side). In any case, it's a fabulous little room, which has mostly held the plants I didn't know where else to put and a huge, ancient record player; perhaps I should say stereo record player. It does have am/fm radio. The thing is gargantuan and it weighs a ton. I got it from this family during a church rummage sale about five years ago. They wanted it to go away and I thought it was a fabulous treasure. It's a nightmare to move, but it's in great condition.
Yeah, okay, so back to the room. I have been wondering what exactly I was going to do with it. I have had a few ideas. Then, recently, some friends of mine were having this estate sale and they had this lovely old roll top desk. They had so much stuff that they just really needed to get rid of, that they gave me the desk for 20$ and they even brought it up to my house for me! Sweet! The desk fit perfectly on one side of my little sunroom. It looked so nice sitting there that I had this brilliant idea to turn my sunroom into a writing room. A normal desktop wouldn't fit on the desk, but the laptop is another story, so that works out just fine. Plus, since it is in a separate room, there is no tv or anything like that.
Okay, so I had to start geeking my room out right? I hung up a big map of Randland (ie; The Wheel of Time world), and a picture I got from a Calendar which may be the cover from A Path of Daggers. I can't remember offhand. I had this poster, just something old school, with a bunch of writing stuff on it; quill pens, parchment paper and all that. Then I had these pages that I had written some great quotes on and I hung those up to, as well as some sheet music that I have had since high school.

Not too long ago, I started doing a lot more writing and I was surprised to realize that as I was doing it a lot more great ideas were coming to me in the process. I actually started a few different things. One thing has kind of lead to another. In any case, one idea seemed to take off more than the rest, and I found myself modeling my characters after a couple of people that I used to know. These were dear friends who really inspired me, and possibly impacted me more than just about anyone. It gave me the idea to dig out some old pictures and let them sit there on my desk, which I did.
My little room is shaping up nicely, though I sometimes think I could be better employed than sitting here wondering what I could do to it next. =)

One of the pictures I have on my desk now is the senior picture of my best friend from high school. There is also a picture of us together. It shocks me to realize that there aren't really very many pictures of us together at all.
I think that the people in the pictures I have taken out do inspire me. They also seem to rip me open and leave me bare. It's good and bad. You have to get to that place, but it is also uncomfortable. It's important to me though and I cannot entirely explain why.

So I am in the middle of this story that I really love so far, but it is full of gaping holes that I have not yet figured out how to fill in. I suppose I should get back to it though. I just wanted to update since it has been such a long time that I have not been doing so.


Currently Reading: The Great Hunt - Robert Jordan

Currently Listening To: All the houses look the same - Deas Vail

Back From the Abyss

“I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free.” That is a line in one of my favorite gospel songs: ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow‘. It may sound familiar as it was performed a few years ago by Lauryn Hill in Sister Act II. It’s a beautiful song, but that is the line in particular that always sticks out to me. It represents to me a state of mind. Life may oppress, things may not go my way, but on the inside I can still be happy. I am still free. That is something that no one can ever take away from me.
Lately I have been so busy with work, and other distractions. My schedule has been all over the place. It’s bothersome because I would like to spend more time writing. I would like the free time I do have to be more productive, but it’s hard for me to stay focused when everything changes everyday.
I feel a little melancholy about that. Things have been going really good for me, but anytime that you spend most of your time and energy on one thing, that means you are sacrificing it somewhere else. For me, I have spent a great deal of time and energy on my job. Of course it’s not brain surgery. You’d think that it would be something easy to leave there and forget about once I’m home, and often that is true, but I am an overachiever. I spend too much time there off the clock. I do whatever extra I can, and I come in whenever they need me.
Obviously, since I am getting promoted, or maybe I should say, have gotten promoted since my training is currently happening, they have seen my hard work and it has paid off. I’m glad because I do need the raise, and I might as well get paid more for all the work I do. Even so, it’s a bit of a double edged sword. I like my job and I want to be a person who does great in whatever job they do, whether or not anyone is looking. My writing has been really taking off though as well. I have had some really great ideas and lately I have done more writing that I have done in…well, years really. I feel this deep need to be writing. When I spend my time reading or being distracted by something else, I almost feel guilty. It is a desire that I have been putting on the back burner for far too long. *sigh*
So, although the promotion is a good thing, the greater responsibilities at work only serve to distract me from my real passion.
I do feel however, that once things calm down a bit, and hopefully my schedule falls into a bit more of a routine, it will be easier to make more time for writing. It’s hard for me to jump in and out of that place in an hour. I really desire blocks of time. I find that I am all or nothing and when it comes to writing, I need time to just lose myself there.
So, as yet another distraction, I am re-reading the Wheel of Time series. I am about 200 pages into The Great Hunt right now. I was thinking that I would re-read before the final book comes out, possibly next fall. It will take me awhile and I wanted to have a great deal of time, so that I would not be rushed and could just kind of mosey along.
A friend/coworker of mine has recently read the last couple of books and is now going to start re-reading for the first time. He has been talking about all the things that happened in the last books and it is making me REALLY excited to get to those books. This will be the 4th time I have read the series, but I haven’t re-read since before book ten, so I have only read those final two books once apiece. It still amazes me that I have never re-read Knife of Dreams, since that was pretty much the most exciting book ever. I laughed, I cried, IT MOVED ME!!!! Haha.
Needless to say, all of this enthusiasm is causing me to read the series much faster than I was intending. It did take me two weeks to finish The Eye of the World, which is a long time for me, but I was not reading as much at home as usual; more on breaks at work and stuff like that. Still, I just started book two the day before yesterday and I haven’t read any today. If I keep up like this, it will be finished next week and I will be on to book three already. So much for spacing it out slowly before next fall!!!! :p
Well, we shall see what happens.
I get that guilty twinge when I read instead of writing, as if I am betraying myself, so I try to set only certain times for myself to read. That might help me pace myself. =)
I’ve actually read quite a few books this year. More than usual anyway. Joe is undoubtedly still kicking my arse, regardless. I have given up trying to compete with him…sort of. ;) I could possibly catch up, if not for the fact that half the time I was spending reading is now being spent writing instead. Such is life. One day, my New Years resolution will succeed. Just maybe not this year. :p

Currently Reading:
The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan

Currently Listening to:
Viva la Vida, Coldplay