"The memory so clear, it's as if it's still before me..."

I really need to go back and re-read this blog, to remind myself of the things I have or have not written about and so not repeat myself over and over.
That said...
What is it about the past that seems to capture people my age? For me it's been happening for awhile, but I can tell it is not just me, since suddenly multitudes of my classmates are appearing and adding each other on Facebook. Of course, they aren't all my friends, but when I go to someone else's page I see more of them.
This random connection of mine, Jonathan, recently commented to me; "Isn't it interesting how the universe causes things to happen right when they are supposed to?" I tend to think in terms of "God" rather than "universe," but anyway, you get the gist.
Anyone who reads this, which these days basically consists of Jill since I have been neglecting it for so long, probably knows how I reconnected somewhat recently with my friend Chris. At least, I think it would be obvious, since I wrote about him and then he left me a comment. :p

Well, out of the favorite people of all time category, Chris is not alone (sorry buddy). :p
I had a best friend in high school. Actually, I have tried to give this title to a couple of other people over the years, just as Becky (hi Becky!), as I am back and forth all the time with saying it of her. We have known each other and been close forever, so it only seems right. The problem is, it doesn't feel right. I wonder if Chris feels this when he thinks back about a couple of people he used to know. In any case, no matter how I try to get around it, I have only ever had one best friend. Have I had many very very good friends? Yes, I truly have. Some, like Becky, are closer than others. Still, no matter how or to whom I try to apply the term, it never feels right. It never ever has. There is only one, and no matter how many years between conversations, she is it. I don't know why. It just is.

My best friend's name is Kareth and I haven't (actually hadn't) talked to her in...seven years. Longer actually, but technically she appeared at my sister's funeral seven years ago and I remember hugging her. That is all I remember. I was kind of in a daze as you can probably imagine. We lost touch some time ago. This is mostly my fault as far as I am concerned, but I won't go into details. It's a long story. Plus, since she is my best friend, I don't really want to say anything too personal here that is not mine to share. It would be hard for me to share too much about us or our situation without delving into personal things that I do not feel at liberty to share. So I must be vague. I will leave it at this.
Life did not work out for her the way I wanted it to.
She was always a deeply intelligent and beautiful person who cheered me on. As far as I was concerned, she could do anything she wanted. Life takes turns that sometimes we cannot foresee. And so it was. I didn't really know how to deal with that. I was young, and maybe a little shallow, and apparently not as faithful as I thought I was. And so, gradually, we drifted in our own directions.
*sigh*
It is weird to me now, how I can feel the way I do about the past, about these old friends of mine. After all, I have been blessed to know amazing and incredible people since then. I have had great and interesting experiences. Despite all of that, nothing can overshadow them. They loom larger than life inside of me. That is just the way it is. I put their pictures in my office, the place where I hide and write. Those pictures, I cannot explain this...they tear my heart open. You know how people use the term "like an open wound?" I wouldn't think of them as a wound, but it is something like that. Over the years there are some things you bury inside yourself, I guess. Well, those pictures, just sitting there...they seem to lay me bare. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I think it's good in a lot of ways.

So back to my best friend...
I sent her a letter awhile ago. I had managed to track down an address for her. I never heard back though. She didn't know how to respond. I suppose it was a pretty intense letter after so many years. So last week I stumbled across her brother, and his wife gave me an email address. Of course I wrote, and this time I got a response.
I am full of emotions I cannot describe. I am not even sure why I feel the way I do. Maybe there is no explanation.
It's kind of uncanny and amazing actually, to feel so much depth of emotion. Life seems to do it's best to rob us of our deep feelings.

I don't really know what my intent was in writing this entry. Just now I am reminded of this conversation I had with Joe a long time ago. For some reason, it is a dialogue I have thought of many times since then. In my mind it does not connect to what I am sharing in this blog, but then I realize that the reason it strikes me, is because now it shows me an example of who I was and then who I became. Now I seem to be recovering some of what was lost...praise the Lord.

I'm sorry. I am all over the place tonight. Not that that is really all that unusual, but sometimes it's worse, and this is one of those times.
That is all I have to say for now.