I Wish I Wasn't Bitter

The past couple of days I have been thinking; How long can my life go on like this?
Maybe because I was sick, and I haven't really accomplished anything in a week. Maybe because I work seven days a week, and only have Friday off to visit with Shawn and Steve, by some miracle of God.
Who knows. Maybe I am just feeling worn out and disgruntled. I don't feel particularly sad, which is great on the one hand, and then scary on the other...maybe I am getting a little too apathetic? Like, I have just kind of given up?

Tonight was lovely. After work I had to stop by Starbucks and I ran into someone I knew there, and chatted awhile. Then I went to the grocery store, and as I was walking out, it was starting to get a little bit dark, and it smelled soooo good outside. Like...early summer evenings. For a moment I thought about my mom's backyard, and how she is addicted to barbecue. I looked out over the vast expanse of lawn, to the massive garden in back where she spends so many hours. I smelled fresh cut grass. I imagined walking down the street at dusk, with all the pleasant smells of summer mingling in the air. For a moment.
Then the moment was over.
It was still lovely.
It still smelled good.
I wondered though, if I would ever enjoy a calm summer evening like that again, with people that I love.

It's nice here. Mild. Green. Lovely. I live and work in the same town, so I don't have to fight too much traffic usually. It's the Northwest. There are a thousand places to go off the beaten path. Certainly there are some lovely little hide-aways to take your friends to. There are hundreds of breathtaking locations.
How could I complain?
Even so, it's not so much fun all by yourself.
I am certainly capable of making friends. I have done it over and over and over for the past 31 years! Definitely not an area I have seriously lacked in. Still.....

There are acquaintance friends, and then there are real friends. Ya know? The former are the people I know from work. They are very nice. I enjoy them. Occassionally we go out to lunch or sit in the big cushy chairs and chat after work. They are ok, but it's not the same.
Real friends take time to grow.
When you are older, and you have been through a lot of life, and everything isn't so cut and dried as it once was, making those kinds of friends seems harder.
At least, it does for me.
I used to just bulldoze my way into peoples lives, and they would end up being my friend whether they wanted to or not. These days, I am feeling a little tired. I don't feel like bulldozing. I would rather that people just sort of like me. lol!

I've been wondering if I am just not as interesting as I used to be? But then, I tell myself, I am the same in lots of ways. The same girl. Then I wonder if it is my bitterness.
I used to be all full of grand ideas and grand hope, and even if you thought I was crazy it was hard not to at least be amused. :0)
Then the bitterness creeped in.
It has been wheedling it's way in for a long time. Anyone who has known me for a long time can probably testify to this.
I was very resilient at first, working hard at not letting it become a part of me.
Eventually I just let my defenses down a little too low. One too many disappointments, and I lost a little of my buffer.
Grrrr! But I don't want to be a pity party!!! I hate that!!!
So lately I have been telling myself that noone wants to hang around with a person like that, and I need to snap out of it!!!! ...I am just not quite sure how.

I have lost the way. Well, maybe that is assuming I ever knew what it was to begin with!! All I know is, things have definitely not worked out in ANY of the ways I planned. :p I am at a complete loss what to do now. I really have no options, so I am just going to sit here, doing what I am doing, and wondering how long I can just get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, and do that all over again, seven days a week, with no life. I wonder.
And don't one single one of you tell me that is the best place I can be!! Sitting!! I will glare at you and make angry faces. Take that!

I am sorting out this whole being a grown up thing, living in a different city than most of my friends and family. It is taking a bit more time than I thought. It's ok though. I chose to move here, and I don't hate it, I just miss a few things I could not bring with me. I'll figure it out and snap out of the slump sometime soon. Any day now.

That's my rant for tonight. Now time for medicine and sleeping.