Sometimes I hate my life.

I know I am just having a bad day, and that in a couple of days I will have completely snapped out of it. Okay, maybe not completely, but mostly. Still, so often there's this lingering dissatisfaction about life. I tell my friends..."No, don't worry, I am fine, I don't mean it to sound so bad." The reality though...sometimes it is that bad.
Today I was reading my friends blog. She's in the peace corp.
When I looked at a picture of her over there, I just saw all of her successes flash before my eyes. And, you know, she's my friend so I am glad for her. I love her and all.
But sometimes I hate her.
Because she's good at all the things I am bad at. She finds opportunities where I find dark, empty rooms. She finds motivation where I find depression and apathy. Arrggg! =P

When I was younger I had this grand plan for my life. When that plan got burnt up like so many wild grasses after the lightening, I still looked ahead brightly. I just made new plans. I branched out in what I had wanted. But all good things crumble into dust. Or at least it often seems so. I used to be an optimist, can you believe it?!
I have just been dissapointed, so. very. many. times.
The funny thing is, I have little patience with people who talk like this, because we all know well enough that life goes on. Just suck it up. Who knows what might be around the bend?! Oh, the irony!

I just feel wasted. Wasted brains that need an education. Wasted heart that needs something to be passionate about. I am always trying to find my niche. Find that something that I am good at, all can get into, find that place where I belong. Sometimes I really wonder if there is such a place.
*sigh* but I am going to keep on keeping on, because that is all we can do. Try to be kind, and serve the people around us. Try to see the silver lining, and not be a person constantly raining on other peoples parades. Look up!
That friendly upbeat person? That's who I used to be. That's who I want to be. I want to say I am strong, and whatever comes I will face it head on, and I will be an overcomer. No matter what kind of nasty lemons life hands me, I will make tasty lemonade. I have lost faith in me though. Too many failures. Too many grievances hidden in my heart.
This uphill battle of mine. *shrug* what can I say? This is how I feel. This is where I am. This is where I usually am.
And I want to belive Him. And I want to know that it could change. But I don't know it. And if I just had whatever it takes to get through it anyway, with the kind of integrity that I want to walk out, then maybe that would be enough...but I find it hard to do sometimes.
"I find it hard to say..that everything is alright..."(LH)

Okay, enough bitching.
I am off for today.