Realization

I've come to a decision.

Something that reminded me of one of the reasons I needed to make this decision, was a blog I happened across yesterday.
You see, I love to write. I may not be spectacular at it, but I love it anyway. You ought to see the stack of journals I keep at home, all filled up with this small handwriting crammed into every square inch of paper. I know that to write well, you have to be willing to be transparent in a lot of ways. The stuff we write has to come from somewhere...and if we are unable to reach down into those places, then the stuff we write is pretty shallow.
Unfortunately, we spend our lives helping each other pound down our feelings...and our creativity. There is no more room for daydreams in the harsh reality of life. Damn that sucks.
I have become expert at pounding, although the results often leave a little more to be desired. My desires and emotions that I have worked hard at killing, tend to resurrect themselves at the most inconvenient times.
Why would I even think of doing such a thing in the first place?!? Why would any of us?!?!? Well, I know that for me, as much as I don't want to fit into the box, I have to make a living. Right now, making a living means; answering the phone, answering the phone, answering the phone. Oh yes, let me count the joys. There's just not a lot of opportunity around here these days though. So, you have to do what you have to do. I can't move just now, and I am not completely sure that I want to. Seattle is nice, but I don't want to be stoned in the street for daring to vote Republican. =P hehe.
So, here's my decision. I am just going to work on being me. That that means is, if I am having a bad day, I am going to write that. If I am having a hilarious day, I am going to write like everything is funny. If I am having a....well, you get it.
I am tired of having to throw in hope and smiles because I am a Christian. Sometimes I get mad at God. Sometimes I hate my life. What good is it doing me to pretend otherwise?? How is it helping me, or anyone else? It isn't. This is what sucks about the church. It isn't always so great and glorious. Everything isn't simple. Everyday isn't filled with smiles, and don't treat me like it has to be. We begin to treat each other like unhappiness, or discontent are a sure sign that we have backslidden and are on a fast track to hell. Well, you know what? I am glad that God is not as fake and shallow as we are. And I am glad that just because the 40 hour work week is the American status quo, doesn't mean that God isn't a little more imaginative.
Saying that doesn't mean that I am not mad at Him, and that we don't have some things to work out. It's just the truth. I know it is, even if I am cranky. Don't get me wrong please...I am not cursing God. He is. I mean, He is God, He is there, He is everywhere, and I believe in Him. I believe His word is true, and that we should live accordingly...
I just don't always do that very well, and I am still working some things out in my mind, and that is okay, because He wants us to follow Him completely, and sometimes the precursor to that is that we rebel a little. We get reminded why we don't want to go the other way.

I want to believe completely. I want to know why I do. I don't want to be swallowed by the church, who will tell me everything I need to know. Sometimes I need to work a few things out on my own.
So I am just working on being real. Who I really am. And this is me today.