Hope.

Hebrews 12:1- Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I got an email today from a girl I met in Montana when I was working with Youth With A Mission. Six months ago, while working in Thailand, she was in a motorcycle/bus accident. She ended up under the bus. Luckily she was spared what could have been fatal injuries. She did, however, shatter the bones in one of her feet and has just started walking for the first time since. I am always so impressed by her attitude. It is so good.
So anyway, she sent out this long email and in it she quoted these couple of scriptures.
This really has nothing to do with her accident, but I just wanted to say God bless her for keeping such high spirits.

The scriptures that she quoted moved something in me. I have to say, that this was for the first time in a long time.
I belonged to an Inductive Bible study for about three years, and at least half of that time I was *officially* part of the leadership team. It was a great Bible study. I had really wanted to learn it, and I really enjoyed teaching it. At least, at first.
Without pointing any fingers, or bringing anyone else into my feelings, let me just say that I felt more and more trapped all the time. The best way I can explain it is to say that I felt like I was in this box, and there weren't any cracks for air. I was starting to feel suffocated. It's important to say that this had been growing in me for some time, but was solidified during this period of time.

All of us have different personalities, and distinct gifts that we have been given. So, I find myself still trying to determine whether or not I just wasn't in a place where I was flourishing in mine. I had worked in leadership for several years before this time. All I can say for sure is that I learned something very important during this phase of my life. Maybe this is something that should be true for all of us, I tend to think so.
My faith needs feet. I can live inside a nice christian bubble, I can go to church four nights a week, and I can cram in every prayer meeting possible, but to be honest, these aren't the things that build my faith, or burn inside my heart. The things that teach me are numerous and varied.
When I am at work, and there is just that one coworker who is so darn mean to everyone, and I show them the most genuine kindness that I can muster.
When the bills are piling up, and I don't know where all the money is going to come from, but I still pull out that ten percent before anything else, because I have the faith that God always stretches it out.
All the times when I show restraint with my temper, or when I show mercy to someone who really doesn't deserve it, or when I feel like cursing God And instead I just cry out to Him.
Just life. Just living it.
I feel like I was kind of hiding for a long long time, and the people closest to me were helping me do it.
Since I didn't date, I really don't have to deal with the kind of pressure that potentially goes along with that, the temptation or whatever else.
Since I didn't have any non-christian friends, I don't have to decide what I would do if one of them put me in a compromising position, or if one of them asked me a question I couldn't answer about the Bible or Christianity.
Since someone in church was always ready to pick me up, ultimately God didn't always have to, and I stopped relying on Him, and started relying on them.

It's very tempting as leadership, to try and control people. You know, sin scares us. We don't want to fall into it. We don't want to make mistakes. So we try to avoid it, and we try to get the people around us to avoid it. Now, of course there is something biblical in "avoiding temptation," but I am talking about disengaging to a more extreme extent.
The problem is, you can't control people, and if you wield that kind of extreme control, you might as well be waiting for an eventual revolution. Essentially, this is what happened with me. I finally revolted. I couldn't stand it anymore. If God has grace for me, why can't I have grace for me?? Why can't you have grace for me?? In high school, I was the one who wasn't drinking and wasn't doing drugs, and wasn't sleeping around, and I was making wise decisions without someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to have a positive effect on my friends and I didn't have a holier than thou attitude, because I didn't know I was really being very good. haha. I thought I was just one of them!!!
So here I am in my late 20's, and I have all these voices telling me which of my decisions are right and which are wrong, and oh so many are wrong. There are all these voices except for the one important voice, that still soft voice of God that I heard before I ever knew that I was hearing it. Acting on it before I even realized He was whispering in my ear.

People need to experience this for themselves. They need to make mistakes sometimes to experience grace. If we don't allow them the freedom to do that, we are stunting their spiritual growth. It's just like with your kids, there is only so much that you can shelter them from! If you try to keep people that sheltered, they are never going to know how to live in the real world, and this was me. I *forgot* how to live in the real world.
I think I am figuring it out again, but to be honest it is a slow and sometimes painful process, and usually scary.
Luckily I have the most solid and down to earth friends spread around out there, that even though I left my bible study, and church for the time being, I was able to just spread my feelers out and connect again with those roots that give me strength in healthy ways.

I don't want anyone to think that I am bashing church, because I am not. What I am going through, and have gone through, anyone could fall into, and many people do, but lots of people also don't. I allowed people to have more authority in my life than what I should have given them. I handed some things over too easily. I let other people become the voice of God for me. Ultimately, I accept responsibility for that, although for many reasons I still needed to separate myself from the atmosphere I was in. Sometimes a change will do you good ( As Sheryl Crowe so readily advises. hehe).

I've felt pretty numb in a lot of ways. A little bitter. A lot dissapointed. I know that some of the things I am going through are very needed, but that doesn't make them fun, and it sure doesn't make me feel very spiritual. I am not in the best place with God that I have ever been, but I am trying to let healing happen naturally without trying to force the process.
So today when I read that scripture and this tiny bead of inspiration jumped into my heart, I was so blessed. I felt...relieved. Like, maybe there's still hope in there after all. Maybe my heart is not so hard after all.
I am really glad about that, because the only thing I ever wanted was to know Him, and to walk closely with Him all the days of my life.

Romans 8:37-39- But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.