In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Anyone know that song? We sang it in jazz choir when I was in high school, but you can actually hear it on the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack.
"In the wee small hours of the morning..when the whole wide world is fast asleep...you lie awake and think about the boy, and never ever think of counting sheep..."
Whenever I have to continuously get up early, I think about that song, even though it's a love song, and not a get up early song. heh.

So, I am on an early morning shift, the like of which I thought I would probably never do again. In fact, this is probably the earliest I have ever worked, besides the two weeks in the summer where I helped Melanie, and Uncle Dave dig post holes at Mary's ranch. So far, I haven't had to actually be at work before 5a.m., but since I live across town, that means that I am getting up by 4. My shift varies, so, some mornings I get to sleep in until 5:30 or 5:45. Nice. How funny is it when 5:30 a.m. is sleeping in?!
I almost never get enough sleep. I survive because of naps. Last night I think I slept maybe four and a half hours, so today when I got home around 2:00 I was ready to pass out.
I'm so used to it now though, after only three weeks or so, that seeing myself scheduled for a 10a.m. to 6 shift makes me cringe. Mornings go by faster, because we are usually busy. I get out of there at a decent hour of the day. I am quickly getting set in my ways. Getting a random mid shift here and there throws me all out of whack. I have one on Tuesday that I am not excited about.

My job is not brain surgery. I could do something that required a lot more intelligence. People are always telling me that I am really smart. (Why? I have no idea) So, when I am constantly doing these flaky things it drives me insane. I am still kind of the new person, and I know that I should cut myself some slack, but I swear some days they must think that I am the biggest moron. Grrr.

In other news....
I turn thirty a month from today. I've actually been looking forward to thirty, but as it draws nearer it is bringing with it introspection mode. For one thing, I am fairly content at the moment, to be single. I am not freaking out to be thirty and still single. I've actually enjoyed a freedom that not all of my friends have had, being married in their early 20's. The older I get, a few things are being driven home. Like, the fact that the person I am in my head is not always the person I am on the outside. I wonder if I show people who I really am, or something else. I do go through those phases where I really want to get married, and I am pretty sure that's fairly normal, but I try to hide those feelings, push them back into the dark recesses of my brain & heart. It's really a little less about what people think, and a little more about detesting dissapointment. =P I've been staying at my mom's and I am getting some bills paid and whatnot, and being here allows me to do that and also to save money for going back overseas, which I am bound to do. I've been planning on moving the first of the year as well, so that's plenty to save for.

Joe and I once had this argument when I said that I wanted to marry someone who had been involved in YWAM. I mean, that is narrowing the field a lot, and its not really fair, which I can now conceed. Actually, I am trying to remember if I really said it had to be that way, or just that I would prefer it. I think the latter, but in any case, it doesn't matter anymore. I love to travel, and it would be nice to meet someone who shares that passion, but as long as they are morally sound and compatible, it doesn't matter if that means YWAM or not. I have standards, but a lot of my ideas about certain things have completely changed in the past couple of years.
So...anyway....this stuff has just been coming up in my head the past couple of days. Crazy. It's good though, I guess, to sit and reevaluate your life at regular intervals. If I had done it seriously more often, then maybe I would have been on the road to well adjusted sooner. I felt trapped for a long time, and I didn't know which way to move in. Sometimes you just need to pick a direction and go, no matter what.